Have a podcast in 30 days

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In this episode, you’ll learn…

  • You’re robbing your children of becoming a healthy and happy adult every time you do this… (5:10)
  • The single most destructive lie parents tell themselves that slowly deteriorates your relationship with your kids (6:44)
  • Why trying to parent without help is a recipe for disaster and how to instantly access the help you need (9:34)
  • How to activate your “spiritual armor” that will prepare you for any challenge that heads your way (10:36)
  • The real reason it seems like your kids don’t want to spend any time with you (13:07)
  • The surefire way to guarantee your kids won’t trust or respect you (14:49)

If you have zero energy to focus on yourself and need extra support and accountability from women who know what it’s like to juggle a crazy busy life, then go to https://befitandfierce.com and become unstoppable with us.

Or, if you want to join a sisterhood dedicated to growing our faith, join our Just Breathe Facebook Group.

Read Full Transcript

Hi there. I'm Jill Allen and this is find your fierce, the show designed for women to discover your fierce, unlock and unstoppable mindset. Build unbreakable courage and completely transform how you show up every single day. Each week I will bring ideas, methods and strategies that will inspire you to step into your greatness and live life on purpose. Let's be fit, fierce and unstoppable.

(00:35): Hey there, welcome to episode 17 of find your fear. So glad that you're with us today. We are continuing the mini series on relationships because there is so much we can dive into on this topic. I, last week we talked about marriage and how to build that strong foundation and it's funny because when I decided to do this series at that moment, at that given time, I thought the series would be so much fun because I thought I had it together for the most part, something to share and had some strategies or tips that I could pass along to all of you, how you can connect with your kids. Just some fun, lighthearted ways that we can grow our relationship with our children. Then now, and I know it's not by coincidence, I actually started second guessing myself because guess what? These past few weeks, Oh my word, I was feeling like I was failing, that I was the worst mom ever.

(01:32): The fear that was thinking in asking myself, do my kids even love me? How is it that I could even share with all of you how to be a rock star mom or give tips on how to connect with your kids when all this crud was happening behind closed doors. And I fully believe when we have been put on a path to make an impact or when something is placed on our heart to share, to make a difference. When we are mothers, women, things happen. The enemy shows up and we are faced with a challenge or a roadblock or a lie that looks so real that will make you second guess your purpose, your mission, your assignment. So I kind of mix things up a bit today. I may be going a bit deeper here than I thought. Here I am today, instead of sharing with you a picture, perfect.

(02:24): Pinterest, mom with five amazing kids. I'm going to be real with you to share with you the messy, the, I don't always have it altogether. The truth of what it takes and how to conquer the challenges we face as being a mom and to let you know that you are not alone. So as most of you know, or maybe you remember, we have five kids ranging from the ages of nine to 17 we have three boys, 17 he's almost 18 as he likes to remind us of that daily. 1614 and then the two girls are 12 and 10 so from the sounds of that you think we would be experts right? Far from it. I am just a mom trying to navigate being a mom. And so I want to ask you, and it doesn't matter how old your kids are now, but how many of you have told your kids you're going to sit there quietly, you're going to behave, be respectful, right?

(03:21): Don't talk, don't move, be kind. We are out in public. Don't you dare act up. And if you do, wait until we get home or I'm going to take your phone if you don't make good choices. If we are honest with ourselves, we all want those kids, the act perfect and public. The ones that are well behaved, polite, so everyone can say, aren't those kids so nice? Wow. Look at them. Oh, they must have good parents because no one wants the kids who are the hot mess that disrupts that. Everyone talks about. At least I've thought that a few times since we're being honest. I mean starting off as a new mom, as a new parent, we see those parents that throw an iPad or a phone in the kids' hands just so the kids can sit there nicely at the restaurant. They don't want the child that disrupts.

(04:12): I remember at Harrison's preschool graduation, a grandmother Harrison is 16 now. Okay, so this is probably what, 12 years ago a grandmother came up to me and said, we've been talking. Okay. That was clue number one. We have noticed that Harrison acts up the most when he is around you. I was like, huh, thanks. Thank you. Thanks for letting me know your thoughts. Thanks for allowing us to be the topic of your conversation. Gosh, what, what do I say to that? How do you even respond? And I learned right then and there not to judge others when it comes to parenting because it is one of the hardest. I mean it is the hardest job on the planet. Yes, it's the most rewarding, but it's still the hardest and we all want amazing kids. But over the years as the kids enter junior high, high school, it has become very clear to me that I don't just want amazing kids.

(05:16): I have amazing kids. I do, but rather I want my amazing kids that become amazing adults. And that is something that I continue to work through. Letting go of control, having to grasp that kids mess up. But we as parents mess up and we make mistakes that there are a whole lot of ups and downs in this whole parenting thing that both the kids and the parents have so much to learn and that no one, no one is perfect. But that doesn't mean we are failing. That doesn't mean we are horrible parents, that kids are not good kids. It just means that this is all part of a journey way beyond our control and there's a lot that we are to learn through all the years of parenting. So here are a few things or shifts in perspective or thinking or changes within our hearts when it comes to our kids.

(06:08): I wish I understood this years ago, but I think, I guess I would have missed the growth process over these past 17 years and heads up. This takes daily intentional focus. Trust me, excelling at this from the get go. I'm asking. I'm encouraging you to give yourself some grace. Number one, focus on the truth. That truth is that you are a good mom. I'm a good mom. In fact, we are great moms that God created you to be your kids' moms specifically. It is not by coincidence, do not fall into the trap of thinking you are a failure or that you're not doing enough or that you're not good enough. It is a lie, one that I've been guilty of believing so many times. We've been given this gift of 18 years to help guide and lead our children and the best way that we know how it's a gift and I get it sometimes we don't look at it that way.

(07:08): When we have believed in the enemy schemes, his deceptions, the lies that we are messing up our kids that were failures, the guilt, the shame, the imperfection, all lies, lies that hold us back from connecting with our kids. Lies that hold us back from having a strong relationship with our children. Lies that break up the mother, daughter, mother, son, connection. Guys, it is coming from the enemy and we need to focus on the truth. We need to get ourselves in check and to work on us as parents, by aligning ourselves with God's word, God's truth, the encouragement, the hope, the love. When we do that, we will realize that all the other little voices, the distractions and attacks are just that attacks, attacks that will block us from being the mother. We are meant to be a tax that will stop who our kids are meant to be.

(08:02): And for all of us, for living out our purpose, we need to have this clear vision and open heart and to stand firm in the truth. We need to be able to see clearly when that enemy attacks us by baiting us with our insecurities. Man, is he good at that? He uses our family, the ones we love. My friend crystal, I love our chats. She's actually going to be a guest on the next episode. I can't wait so you guys are going to have to tune back into that. But she told me that the truth is that they are not our children. They are gods that he gave them to us to help raise up, that we need to see our children the way God sees them as his. That was a hard one for me to soak in. I totally get it. Why wouldn't they be right?

(08:50): Cause we as mothers are God's children. We as women are God's children of our kids are his, but wait a minute, I'm the one in control of them. I gave birth to them, they're mine, but at the end of the day, I needed to realize God has them just like he has us, that we need to love our children. Like God does. Look at our kids like God looks at them. That raising the perfect Pinterest looking family, that is not the mission here, that our mission and assignment is to raise godly children who grow up to become godly adults, to help them get to know their creator and to live a life with strong faith, focus on the truth, and as a mom, you will be led to your next step. Number two, pray. If you think you can do this on your own, Oh goodness.

(09:41): We need all the help we can get. Our kids need all the help they can get. We can not do this alone. You know how I said you're not alone. We're not. We have a Lord in our corner. He has our backs and he's given us everything we need. I'm currently leading a Bible study in our just breathe community, the armor of God by Priscilla Schrier. Oh my gosh. It's so good. One of the best studies I have done, I cannot get enough. I just keep going back for more. And of course in the study we talk about the armor that God has given us. We talked about suiting up and how to actually put on the armor that he's given us. But that seventh piece of armor that holds everything in place, the connective tissue between you and the heavenly places is prayer. And I wasn't able to put all of this into words until after going through the study that prayers, everything.

(10:33): You know what? I'm taking this piece I'm going to share with you right from the study. She said that prayer activates your spiritual armor, that we can go to church, we can take our kids to church, get them in Sunday school youth group, read the Bible. We could do our Bible studies, we could participate in ministries, but if we are not grounded in prayer, we will be forever spinning our wheels. And I don't know about you, but I don't want to spin my wheels anymore when it comes to being a mom or with my kids as a wife. I don't want my kids to spin their wheels. So we need to pray. Pray at all times in the spirit. And I'm going to let you know, the enemy always creeps in and tells me more lies. Like, Joe, you don't know how to pray. Joe, you have to use big words and be poetic when you pray, Jill, nothing is going to happen.

(11:22): It's not going to work. Jill, you just have to take matters into your own hands, right? But I pray anyway. I pray authentically and my prayers are heartfelt. Sometimes it's two sentences, sometimes it's just a glance up. Sometimes it's like 10 minutes, you know, depending on the battle. And to be real and honest with you here, these last few weeks with God's help, I'm fighting the battle of the enemy within my family and I am praying hard, you know, and I don't impress anyone. And, and it's a time where we can real with God. Time to give praise, to give thanks to ask, to pray for us. Being a mom, pray for my husband as a father, pray for my kids. I pray for that. My kids will walk with the Lord. I pray they are protected and I pray. They know that they are loved.

(12:10): We need to pray. We need to shut that enemy down. We need to speak the truth. We need to be that prayer warrior and mama that the enemy cannot mess with, but the enemy will flee when they see you coming. We align ourselves up with the truth. We pray. We set a strong foundation and we've prepared ourselves for the third thing that I'm going to share with you and that is to show up and to connect. We need to get to know our kids, like really get to know them like God knows us, not just how we want to know and understand them, who we think they should be or what is convenient for us, but get to know who they really are, who God created them to be. When we are connected, there was a give and take kind of flow. You know, a high level of trust.

(12:56): There's genuine respect and if we as parents want to build it stronger, then it's up to us to make the first move because we all know that teenagers will not think about this. I know I have been guilty of it. When we get busy, the days are full. We're thinking we need time with our kids or we feel disconnect. What happens is, or at least I did, we tend to pour kids to us versus going to them like, come watch the movie with me. Come snuggle. Or let's go take a bike ride. Let's go do something that I like to do. And of course they don't want to join you because it's not their thing because we're not taking into account what they love, you know? And they often complained. They say no, you know, and the enemy creeps in and tells me they don't want to spend any time with me.

(13:39): They must not love me. So of course I stopped asking them to join me, which led to even more of a disconnect. So we got to go to them, join them in doing what they love to do. I started taking the time to see the world through their eyes. You know what shows they like? I know if I see one more mermaid show I'm going to go crazy, but what do they like to do? What do they enjoy? What lights them up? How do they like to spend their time? What games do they like to play foods do they like to eat? Get to understand and take part in that and watch them open up. Which leads me to communication. Of course we want our kids to talk with us. I talked a little bit about this last week in our marriage series. We want communication.

(14:19): It's key. Did freely talk about their day to share with us about their friends, their day at school, what's going on with them, all the good stuff, all the bad, the feelings that they're feeling. We got to put down our phones. We need to eat together, laugh together, share personal stories, build that layer upon layer of trust and when they trust us and we show up to spend time with them, they will begin to talk and communicate. Now remember, it's a give and take, right? So we need to be able to listen and we need to listen carefully. Everyone wants to feel like they're being listened to to be heard and kids are no different. They're not an exception. Sometimes what seems like a small issue to us may be a really big deal to the kids. That is hard for me sometimes because I want to jump in, give solutions, I want to give my opinion.

(15:03): Sometimes I yell and that doesn't work. It doesn't work. Just to let you know, ask questions, prompt them to think, get them to solve the problem while talking with you and using you as a sound board. Our job is to be there, to show up, to connect, to not control, but to guide, to lead. And yes we need to set boundaries, teach them right from wrong. We've got to throw in those consequences. But all I can tell ya is when we try and control every little thing we lose and when they know that we are always there. And I mean like always there, that the connection is there, the trust, the respect. It's just another step toward amazing kids that grow up to be amazing adults. I hope you enjoyed what I shared with you today. Maybe you had an aha moment or how to shift in perspective, but when it comes to our kids and raising a family, no one's perfect.

(15:54): We're all in this together facing challenges, enjoying the special moments while being given the most amazing responsibility we can have when it comes to raising kids. Focus on the truth. My friends, you are a good mom with a specific God assignment. Keep aligning yourself with the truth. Pray without prayer. It all falls apart. We fall victim to the enemy and the lies. Pray for you as a mother. Pray for your family. Pray for your children. Overcome the enemy and three, connect with your kids. Show up and go to them. Get to know them as who God created them to be. Take that initiative to connect. We're always on a mission here on the find your fierce podcast to be the best version of ourselves, to be better today than we were yesterday, and to always be working on ourselves. So if you have zero energy to focus on yourself and need extra support and accountability from women who know what it's like to juggle a crazy busy life, then go to be fit and fierce.com and become unstoppable with us.

(16:48): Or if you want to join a sisterhood dedicated to growing our faith, join our just breathe Facebook group heads up on the next episode. We are going to continue this relationship series, but this time with a special guest, my friend crystal Jones, and we will discuss her spiritual journey and how the relationship with the Lord changed everything. Thanks so much for joining me today. Please subscribe. Share this episode link on your social media as we all know, someone that can benefit and I would love it if you would give some feedback and a review as well. Talk with you next time. Be fit, be fierce, be unstoppable. See ya.

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