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Show highlights include:  

  • How to stop feeling pressured to fit in and show up as God intended you. (6:48)
  • The Open Heart path for becoming a better person by the day (instead of living through judgment and a foggy lens). (8:55)
  • Why social media doesn’t define who you are (and where to find your confidence instead). (12:54)
  • The Teenage Lessons for becoming a present and supportive parent today. (17:52)
  • The Contagious Kindness formula for showing up anywhere and being yourself. (23:48)

If you’re ready to rise up and become the best version of yourself, check out the 12-month mindset and accountability experience that will help you rise up here: https://jillallencoaching.com/just-breathe-sisterhood/

If you have zero energy to focus on yourself and need extra support and accountability from women who know what it’s like to juggle a crazy busy life, then go to https://jillallencoaching.com/be-fit-and-fierce/ and become unstoppable with us. 

Or, if you want to join a sisterhood dedicated to growing our faith, join our Just Breathe Facebook Group.

Read Full Transcript

Hi there. I'm Jill Allen and this is find your fierce, the show designed for women to discover your fierce, unlock and unstoppable mindset. Build unbreakable courage and completely transform how you show up every single day. Each week I will bring ideas, methods and strategies that will inspire you to step into your greatness and live life on purpose. Let's be fit, fierce and unstoppable.

(00:35): Hey there, gang. Welcome to find your fear so glad you are here with me today. We are continuing with the three part series this week. We're gonna gain a little perspective from a teenager. Harper is back with us. And like I said before, whether you have any kind of relationship with a team, you're gonna love this series. And I have a feeling that you're gonna take away something that's gonna hit home to you and add value to your day. I can't wait today is gonna be another good day. But before we start chatting with Harper today, I have to say that I, I love that you are here listening in and spending time with us. And so honored that I gotta be a part of your day. And because you guys are just so amazing and I have to thank you for your love and support as always.

(01:13): I appreciate your feedback, your reviews, and love that you share this podcast and set free message with your friends and family. And so if you can keep on doing that because there is so much power when we inspiration and lift others up, you are helping this movement as it helps reach more women and it impacts more lives. And that is certainly what life is all about. So thank you so much. Okay. So Harper is here again with us, and if you didn't have a chance to listen to last week's episode, I encourage you to do so. She drops some fire. I absolutely loved, you know, talking with her last week. This is such a special series to partner with my daughter. And I can't believe this is what I do. And you know, not sure I would even call it work. When you are living out your God-given purpose and partnering with your, your family.

(01:58): I mean, it's just, it's just a, becomes a part of who you truly are. And I, and I am so, so blessed and honored that she is here with us again. And so just know that it is possible to live with that kind of freedom. We can flip the script, you can live with joy, you can live with purpose, you can live with intention. It just, it takes showing up doing the work and digging down deep. And that's kind of what we're doing here today. So hopefully these few minutes we spend together, it gets you fired up to walk into that greatness as well. And so here's the thing, just a little recap. Harper is our oldest daughter. She is fourth in the Allen lineup and her heart is just so real and, and full of love. Welcome back, Harper. How are you? You ready for round two?

(02:41): Yes, I am. Yeah. Fired up. Ready to go? Yep. Yeah, of course you are guys. I mean, if you could just see her right now, I mean, like she is shaking her head at me, like, oh my gosh, mom, quit being so weird, you know, but that's okay. That's how we roll. She knows that. So is there anything that you wanna share with people this week? A win, maybe a blessing? I love asking this question because we always get to choose what we focus on, despite all the chaos around us. And so what was a win for you? You got a snow day, huh? Yeah. Snow day on my birthday. Yeah. Know the schools wanted you home. All of you home with me. Yeah. For, to celebrate this special day. I'd have to say that's my win too. Yeah. Yeah. I know.

(03:28): Awesome. Yeah. It's pretty cool. I know, I love it. Talk about wins guys. I mean, we can shift that focus like instantly of no matter what is going on around us. I mean, there is, you know, peace in the, in the middle of the storm or there's joy in the, in the middle middle of, you know, just some doubts and ups and downs. And you know, there's always a the, you know, there's a purpose in the pain. You know, those are all just little cliches that we can kind of fill our brain with, but truly, you know what it is that we set our sites on and our heart, it can flip the day in seconds. And so there's always, there's always good. There's always something that we can be grateful for. So we're continuing our chats from a teen perspective, and I know a hot topic that so many are talking about, and it's not just kids who are addicted or feel pressure adults as well, but we wanna hear it from you.

(04:24): Harp is, you know, there are a lot of pressures when it comes to social media, you know, and how we can be a cool kid. How can we fit in? How can we be liked? How can we be loved? How can we just be approved of, for a lack of a better word? I mean, so there's just a lot of pressure. So can you add to anything when it comes to pressures? I mean, what pressures do kids face? What pressures do you face? Fitting then vaping doing bad things. Wait, what was the first one fitting in? Oh yeah. Fitting in. Okay. Yep. Being liked. Got it. Doing bad things being mean to people bullying. Yeah. Huh. Do you feel pressured again? Because again, moms wanna know we wanna know what you guys are thinking and what you guys are going through. I can't imagine growing up in, in a world where everything is posted, everything is shared.

(05:18): Everything is instant access. You know, I look, you know, here I am, we're sitting out, you know, I'm in my office. I call it is, is actually my walking closet, but I'm sitting in on my desk. I'm looking outside the window and I have a window in my closet, but I'm looking out on Sharon a drive. And I see these cars just like flying by. And I remember riding my bike when I was like eight and nine years old by myself to Tiki pool on this busy road on my 10 speed bike. Right. I can't even imagine now you kids crossing the street by yourself because of all the texting and the driving and the distractions and, and what's going on. I mean, we don't see kids riding their bikes a lot these days. I mean, we're, we would be out until street lights kicked on every single night playing in the Creek and doing all those things.

(06:10): I mean, that's, it's just completely different. And I know we're getting off topic. I mean, we weren't even, you know, we're talking about social media, that's what kids are doing these days. It's, it's social media and gaming and, and things like that. That's what they do for that extracurricular or their activities outside of school where, you know, us, our generation growing up, we were outside playing kickball, hide and seek you know, doing just crazy things. Right. And bikes on shared and drive all by yourself. And don't see that you guys don't have that opportunity as we did. So let's kind of talk a little bit about all that today. Okay. You mentioned about fitting in, I mean, is that, I mean, are kids, do you see, or, and you, I mean, you can be honest here. Do you feel the need or the desire to fit in for me?

(06:58): No. It's just like, you just gonna be like who you are and who God created you to be. Hmm. Just, just be yourself. If I had that, if I had that perspective, when I was your age. Oh my gosh, girl, like, do you think, okay, I'm, I'm gonna say so. I mean, you are not normal. Like I know that sounds crazy. Like that's not the normal, that's not what we see as parent. I mean, because adults are wanting to be fit in. Someone makes a social media post of, you know, a big night out or gathering and it's like, okay, well, why wasn't I invited? Why, you know, I wasn't there, you know, there's some jealousy and there's some comparison and there's that insecurity and the doubt and the feeling left out. I mean, this is, these are all real feelings. And I see it with the women that I coach as well and in adults.

(07:50): So I can only imagine that's what kids and teenagers and high school kids feel as well. And we're seeing it younger and younger and younger. So I'm gonna be honest with you. That's not normal. And that's okay. You know, we talk about how awesome it is to not be normal, right. You know, not to conform to the things of this world. So what is it that you see other kids doing? And again, I, I wanna touch base on this too, because last week we talked about, you know, maybe falling short of things and how we mess up Harper. And I both know that neither one of us are perfect. And I, I think we need to put that out there. Like we are so far from perfect. We fall short daily on all of these things. All we can do is show up, build a connection with the Lord, be honest and true to who we are, you know?

(08:38): And at the end of the day, if we mess up, we mess up and we acknowledge it as well. So this is not coming from a place of perfection when we share this. So what do you see kids doing? And maybe it's something that you've done too, at some point in time before your growth they are changing. Like they are changing their style. They are changing the way they act. They are making bad decisions, just not being themselves. And just, you notice that a lot. Is it the way that they like does there's the way they talk, change the way yeah. This depends on who they hang out with. If they're good people, if they're bad people and you can just tell. Yeah. Well, I mean, and, and the thing of it is it's like, I mean, we're all good people. We just make a lot of bad decisions.

(09:31): A lot of us do, you know, on things for that. And I think there's, I think I believe that people can change. I think Jesus can change them. You know, they, especially when they have that encounter for that. And, and I always say, we know what we can pray for when, when people do make those bad decisions for that. But it says a lot, it speaks volumes to who we hang around with. I mean, do you agree? Yes. Yeah. Hmm. Yeah. That's whether they lift you up speak life. Yep. Encourage you. Do you have friends like that or do you search, are you that friend too? I mean, because I value when people call me out on things that maybe I had a foggy lens on or a different perspective that might not be taking me down the path that God wants me on.

(10:21): And I, I value, I cherish those relationships that call me out on things. I mean, do you have that? Have you been blessed with that? Yes. I have many friends who just call me out on things and make me a better person. And I do the same for them. You, and if they, if I notice they're doing something bad, I call them out on it and sometimes it might not go well, but it's okay. You still are trying to help. Yeah. You're doing it from a heart posture of love. Yeah. Versus judgment. I think that's the biggest thing. I, when, when you mention that people may not take it well, that insecurity and the doubt, I mean of, they don't want people don't wanna be judged. Yeah. You know, they don't, they don't. I mean, again, we go back to everybody. We wanna be liked. We wanna be loved by everybody. And unfortunately, we're not always going to have that. We're not gonna fit everybody's mold, especially when you're or if someone chooses to go one way and the, and, and another person chooses to go another way, way. That's tough. That's tough. But we can still love 'em. Yeah. Yeah. And have that heart posture of just a lot of grace, I think.

(11:29): Hmm. What about you made a good point about like changing clothes and changing thoughts and the way we speak and things like that. Because what we listen to. Yeah. Music. Just anything I hear you downstairs jam into like worship music when you're running on the treadmill or lifting weights. I, I love it. Sometimes your tos are even like that too. I love hearing that hearing you jam to, to good music music does like what we feed our mind books. I know you have read like a ton of books, don't you? I haven't read since like third grade. That's awful. Don't read. Yeah. No judgment here, but you, you need to read even audio podcasts. This again, you're feeling your mind with inspiring, uplifting, uplifting things. What we watch movies, TV shows things that make you feel yucky or things that are like, feel good movies.

(12:26): Yeah. I wanted to go watch underdog here today. That true story of, I love I of true stories where it just makes you feel good. Inspiring. Okay. So we're rambling. I know. I love it. I could probably sit here all day and talk with you. I'm just gonna use it as an excuse. It's like, no, we're podcasting. This is just more time with you. Right. Stretch it out. Okay. So, you know, being okay, so pressure, as you said, vaping, I hear that. Does that. I mean, obviously, you know, we talk a lot about that in our home and have that open communication, but that's, it's a real thing, right. Kids are FA or kids are faced with that. It doesn't matter what family you're from. Yeah. So what do you do about it? I mean, because here's the thing a as parents, we have to understand and realize that our kids are going to be introduced to that.

(13:16): So how can we as a parent, how can we help steer you? Because I can't control what choices you make at the end of the day. I mean, it's it, it's you? So how do you have any suggestions to parents as you know, as we're trying to guide you, but at the end of the day, it's, it's your choice, right? Yeah. For me, it's like, I've had really good parents. Like they have taught me good, bad, like, so I know, like not to make dumb decisions and I know everyone makes mistakes and stuff, but that's one thing I will probably never do in my life. Good. Be dumb. It's not cool. It doesn't make you a cool person. It's just kind of makes you look like trash, to be honest. Yeah. It's just, just, it's not who you are and you're probably doing it cause other people are doing it and you wanna fit in.

(14:05): Be cool. That's not cool. Especially start off with yeah. Yeah. That's a tough one. I mean, you have, you know, drugs and the alcohol, the drinking, and, you know, we always said like, you know, when you're in that junior high, I age the fact that you're going to be introduced to those things and you start seeing groups and circles separate, and there could be a lot of isolation, I think, feel feelings of isolation and loneliness with teenagers. And do you ever feel lost? I mean, do you think teenagers feel lost as to what, what they're here to do? What their purpose is? What, what do you think on that? Because I'm struggling even as a 45 year old as okay. Like tell me, Lord, what's my purpose. What am I here for? Yeah. You can, I feel lost sometimes because like, there's times when you don't know if it's right, if it's wrong and then you have to really think about and just pray, like, should I do it?

(14:58): Should I not? And just, just depends on what it is, I guess. Yeah. I love the fact that you said that you just like, oh, I'm gonna pray. And, and like, Lord, tell me, because here's the thing we talked about this law last week, Hey, I, you know, I wanna be a speaker and, and then this little voice comes in and says, oh, I don't like, you know your voice. Okay. And that's wanna shut you down. Well, we have to realize and understand that that's the enemy trying to hold you back. So we have three voices. We have like that. We hear, we hear the Lords, which is full of love, full of grace, of like vision and excitement and hope. Right. And then we have the enemy's voice. I mean, can you describe that little voice just mean saying like you don't, you can't do anything like, yeah.

(15:46): It's flat out mean isn't it like, I can't imagine like listening to that lie. I mean, there's just a full of lie and, and it makes you be held back. And then of course we have our voice, what we think this we itself. And we wanna always come in and interject the things that we think, and we believe, and whether we're telling the enemy to shut it down, or we're telling God like, mm, you know, how about we try it this way? I mean, there's three voices that we have to choose to listen to. So when you said pray about what to do next that do I feel like, and stop me if I'm wrong. I feel that is what is missing in a lot of these teens life. Yeah. Is that relationship with Lord? Because if they're feeling lost unloved, unworthy, not good enough confused.

(16:29): They're trying to fit in, be someone who they're not, they don't know who they are and they don't have that relationship of like, God created them. I know we, we, oh, we dive into this a lot. Like I speak that over you all the time. You know what? Okay. This just popped in my head. You know, like I was 18 weeks pregnant with you when your dad accidentally I'm, I'm putting that. He did, he accidentally ran me over with a snow pot truck and I was pregnant with you and you were untouched. And I remember after going through that time, you know, your dad and I were like, oh my gosh, this baby is gonna be something special. Like God has big plans. Like it was woo. So good. We're seeing it. So I, I don't know. It makes me wanna tear up. Like, I just look at you and, and there's so much, and this isn't just with you, every single child, every single teen, every single woman, every single man and, and mom and friend and all that, like, we have this purpose that God has for us, but yet we're so bogged down with trying to play a role or a character that we're not meant to play.

(17:41): And we miss out on being who we have been called to be, oh, you're getting me fired up. Okay. I gotta get back to asking you questions. I'm sorry. You know, like I get, I sometimes I sometimes get fired up. So social media that is big Snapchat. What else? Tiktok, Instagram, Instagram. Those are the main ones. Those are the main ones. Are, is Facebook cool for no. Is it just for old people and moms? Nothing much. Okay. Well we need to get better. Maybe I can. Maybe I, for me to be a cool mom, I might need to like poke over on Instagram a little bit, a little bit more. I might need your help, but I mean, what are your thoughts on social media? Because that's probably the biggest conflict that we have in our home is the amount of phone use and technology use and gaming use.

(18:28): And that's even including your dad. And I, I mean, thoughts, what, what are your thoughts on social media? It can be judge. It can be bad. Just depends on what you're doing on social media. You just have to know anything you post. Like you put out there, it's there forever and anyone can see it. And it's never grown away. Even if you delete it. And it's always there. Yeah. People are sneak, they snap. Like they screenshot stuff, pass it along, pass it along to people everything's in print. I mean, everything's right there for the whole world to see. I mean, it's yeah. Now that's where I think the pressure comes in. I mean, cuz even from the adult standpoint, I mean, how many of us are looking side to side? Someone goes on vacation. Ooh. I wish I was there. Someone posts a picture of their, you know, maybe their brand new landscaping.

(19:15): It was like, oh, I wish my landscaping was like that. Or look at that outfit. I wish my outfit looked like that or I wish I had clothes like that. Or look at that fit girl. I, I wanna be fit like that. I mean, this is just setting kids up and adults the not really truly understand. I mean, do you think it's all fake? I mean, what? Yeah. People post the good out of all their lives. Like they don't post like the bad stuff. They don't post the sad stuff. They post the happy stuff. So people only see a little bit of their life. Yeah. Yeah. They see the highlight real. They see the best of the best. I know. Yeah. I do you think that's because of like pride or shame or is it just no one's business? I mean, I that's, yeah. It's tough.

(20:02): Isn't it? Hmm. I don't know. I think too. I mean, you, you hit the, what the nail on the head is that how you say it? You know, it depends on how you use it because there is a lot of good things when it comes to social media, if you do it right. I mean, there, there can be a lot of good things that, that we can connect with. So as a teen and navigating through all of that, you know, I see your youth group in the church and they're the way that they're communicating with you, teens. It's. It's awesome. Hmm. So how do you not fall into the, that trap? Cuz it's a trap. I mean, you can get sucked in thinking that you're, you know, being left out or that you're not invited or I only got so many likes and comments. I mean, how can parents help steer their children to understand that that is a trap.

(20:50): That, that is a lie that your value is not like correlated to how many likes you got on Instagram or snap. You just have to focus on like who you are and just, just be yourself again. Like can't let other people define who you are or something just, I agree with that. You can't yeah. You it's. So who defines who you are? Yeah. Well who does, what does God? Yeah. God just that's yeah. Pretty. It's pretty simple. Huh? God defines who like what he say about you. Right. I think that is the most important thing is steering teens into and, and that's where all the confusion sets in. If kids don't know or in adults know who they are and who they are, then they're gonna try to be everybody else. And they're always gonna end up being second by, because they're always gonna try to be like someone and the world's missing out on who God created them to be.

(21:57): Hmm. So is it cool? Is it cool to talk about the Lord? Is it cool to talk about God? Is it, is it cool? I mean, cuz you said that the pressures and kids are trying to fit in when it comes to, you know, that you see that your perspective again is vaping and bullying and changing and, and trying to fit in with friends and talk a certain way and look a certain way. So is it cool to do something different that the majority may not be doing for me? Yes. All my friends go to church. Like I know there's people who don't go to church and like, don't see things like the way we do. But for me, I don't really care what people have to think. If I talk about God or whatever, just God's a part of my life. So it's like, yeah, that confident.

(22:41): I mean, gosh, that is a, a, a ton of confidence right there. Can you say that you get your confidence from God? Yeah. Goes back to it all goes back to identity. Everything goes back to identity and who you are, who you are in Christ. Oh gosh, this is so good. I think too. I mean, when you see or when you have Jesus in your heart, when you have, when you're living and, and, and walking that out, I know I can see it in people. I mean, it is evident, like their light is shining big time for that. And so let's talk a little bit about kindness and love, you know, if bullying seems to be the cool thing or sarcasm, I think that's another word that we could probably add in. There's a lot of sarcasm that goes on thinking that they're funny. Like you always say, I think like, I think that, I think I'm funny, but it's usually not coming sarcasm, but sarcasm is a, is a form of bullying.

(23:40): So how can we get kindness to be the forefront? If I'm a very time person, I'm always kind, I don't like being mean, cause that's just not who I am. So even if they are mean to me, I'm still kind of them. So if you are kind to many people, that's gonna show them that like kindness really does matter. So they're gonna be kinder to other people. So it's just gonna change. Is it like contagious kind of thing? You know, that is spot out hard when someone's being mean to you and to turn around and still be nice and not take offense. Right. And forgive them anyway. That's hard. Cuz human nature, we wanna lash out. We wanna get revenge. I mean that's, that's usually the default or shut them out or say something that's not kind. So that takes a lot of discipline. Yeah.

(24:31): Well, and it shows them too, that Jesus really is in, in hearts. Hmm. I love it. I know we last asked last week. Well, let's kind of recap here real quick things that you, that things that kids cope these days, there's a lot of addiction. The vaping, some drugs, the bullying, the social media, the pressures, then the expectations that, that are coming from a lot of people from the world and it's a trap. And so the tip that you gave is that we need to understand, I'm just getting this right. And add anything that I missed. And if I didn't get it is knowing who you are, who you are so that you can show up and be yourself. I mean, is that a good kinda summary? Yeah. Is there anything that you wanna add? No. Everything you just said is pretty much it. Okay. Well I think, I think that's good. I mean it we're keeping it simple. We're keeping it simple for that. And as for parents speaking life, just speaking life into your kids as to what's possible for them Harper, I hope that has made a difference in your life and pointing out and seeing and showing kids, not just your kids, but other kids to see what is possible for them as well. So I think that's pretty good. I know we asked this last week. What makes me a cool mom?

(25:57): I dunno. You just listen and you just dance. It's funny. And you're just pretty cool. We do. We do rock out. Pretty good tos. I think you don't think. Oh yeah, for sure. Okay. Thanks honey. For agreeing with me. What makes me a hot mess some days. Yeah. Cause we're all hot messes, but what makes me a hot mess on some days the listeners wanna know what's that listening. And so if we don't listen, I become a hot mess. Oh that is true. If you don't listen the first time I'm like, ah, yeah, I become crazy. I love it. I'm glad you're here. You're coming back next week. You know that right? Round three. Yeah. I know your negotiation skills at work. Save the date. The upcoming inspire leadership retreat is set for April 30th and registration is open on February 22nd. This retreat is designed specifically for girls in grades five through eight and includes interactive workshops on topics such as leadership, confidence, resilience, self care, and community service.

(27:01): I know our girls are so super excited to be a part of this day. There is also opportunity for high school, junior and senior girls to make a difference in the community and earn community service hours while mentoring. So check it all out@inspirefoundation.com. And if you're wanting more fire in your day, follow me on Instagram or join us in the just breathe Facebook group heads up on the next episode, we are continuing another faith filled and inspiring message. So be sure to join us next week. Thanks so much for joining us today. And I pray that we filled your hearts with joy. And if you could let us know before hopping off here today, that would be incredible. Subscribe, share this episode link on your social media. If you felt encouraged or inspired, as we all know someone that can benefit. And I would love it. If you would give some feedback and a review as well, talk with you next time. Be fit, be fierce, be unstoppable. See ya.

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