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In this episode, you’ll discover… 

  • The single biggest regret all mothers share (and how being present frees you from suffering from your regrets) (5:31)
  • How to handle the tough teenage years (without depriving your children of the freedom and independence they need to grow) (8:05) 
  • The simple “15 minute cleaning session” that teaches your kids independence, makes your house sparkling clean, and helps you bond with your kids (12:28) 
  • How getting closer to Jesus enhances your marriage (even if it seems like you’ll have less time to spend with your husband) (16:18) 
  • Why checking off items on your to-do list and striving to reach your potential in business makes you forget your purpose (and the counterintuitive way to rediscover your life’s mission) (21:43) 
  • How having a relationship with Jesus gives you unlimited freedom (even if you’re not a religious person) (24:09) 

If you’d like a sneak peek at my soon-to-be-released book, Set Free: A Woman’s Guide to Clarity, Freedom, & God’s Endless Love, you can download the first 5 pages here: jillallencoaching.com

If you’re ready to rise up and become the best version of yourself, check out the 12-month mindset and accountability experience that will help you rise up, click on the just breathe link at jillallencoaching.com

If you have zero energy to focus on yourself and need extra support and accountability from women who know what it’s like to juggle a crazy busy life, then go to the Fit & Fierce link at jillallencoaching.com and become unstoppable with us. 

Or, if you want to join a sisterhood dedicated to growing our faith, join our Just Breathe Facebook Group.

Read Full Transcript

Hi there. I'm Jill Allen and this is find your fierce, the show designed for women to discover your fierce, unlock and unstoppable mindset. Build unbreakable courage and completely transform how you show up every single day. Each week I will bring ideas, methods and strategies that will inspire you to step into your greatness and live life on purpose. Let's be fit, fierce and unstoppable.

(00:35): Hi there, gang. Welcome to find your fears. Yes, this is a different voice. I am Rob Allen, Jill's husband, and she talked me into hosting. Today's find your fierce episode. We love that you're here. Listen. And once again, or if this is your first time joining us, we welcome you either way. We're just glad that you're here today before diving in, Joe told me that she thanks you from the bottom of her heart, for all your love and support, and she appreciates all your feedback, your reviews, and would definitely love if you'd share this podcast with all of your friends, if you could keep on doing that, it helps reach more women and it impacts more lives. And it's certainly a team effort. So thank you very much for all you do for who you are and for less union each week. Now let's welcome.

(01:22): My wife, Jill, who I'm very, very proud of, and she is in the hot seat today. Hi Jill, how are you? This is so much fun. I love it. I really do. I can not thank you for being the host just because I know that you love you so love public speaking. It's it's your thing. And I know you're definitely stepping outside your comfort zone, so this is just going to be fun. I'm yeah. So thanks for having me. This is good. Absolutely. So we asked you guys to send in some questions that you wanted to know and wow. You, you sent back a list that's it looks like it's going to make Joe dig deep a little bit today. So I love it. So we're just going to get started. The first question is Jill, describe your perfect day. Oh gosh. Okay.

(02:12): I, you know, a perfect day would be where my heart, I know this sounds so cheesy, but it really, it really is, but where my heart is full of joy and a day when I walk in peace or with peace a day where nothing feels like things have to be done, no agendas, no schedules, no deadlines. I know our calendar is constantly full when you and I are running in every direction, you know, with five kids. So our lists are very long. So a day with no list and no pressures where you wake up and you ask like, what do I get to do today? And, and I'm sure a part of that day, cause I tell you my element is, you know, on the trails and hiking and moving. And so that would, that would be definitely in there with my family, even if they're fighting me the whole entire way, you know, walking, hiking those 10 miles,

(03:00): But my family would be there and talking and sharing stories, having conversations, no phone, just being out on those trails with the people that I love the most and definitely soaking up the scenery, the views, you know, being in that element, you know, that I love the most. And you know, of course with all of you guys, but I think I've spent so many days that have been filled with anxiety and stress. So a day where I walk in that peace and that calm and that joy, it chalks it up to a, a pretty perfect day.

(03:32): Nice, nice. I like that. Switching gears a little bit. Who's the person who has had the most influence on your life, Man, there's, there's been so many between my parents, my grandma, my grandparents, you, I gotta add you in there. Our kids, it's hard to, hard to nail down the person that has the most influence. You know, I feel that every person we come in contact with can actually make an impact in one way or the other. I feel that we go through seasons and, and people are placed in our life, you know, at a specific time on purpose. I don't think we ever cross paths with someone or with a person, you know, by accident. You know, whether they're here to help you through a, a time, a difficult time whether they're your junior high basketball coach or, or track coach, or maybe you are there to help them, or if we're to learn from them, you know, maybe, you know, they are to be with us for the long haul even, or, you know, maybe they're there to help you make a shift or to inspire you change your perspective to help you become who you are, who you were meant to be.

(04:42): So to kind of nail down the most influential person. I don't think I can do that. I mean, I, I, I believe that every encounter with someone can actually be special. And I think oftentimes we miss it because we miss that impact because, you know, here we are going through pushing through, you know, the days in our life, whether we're distracted or too busy or too wrapped up in ourselves or our phone. But if we slow down a little bit and flip that script, all these moments, all the encounters, all the people that we, you know, come in contact with, you know, there's, everybody influences our lives, our thoughts, our decisions, and how it all molds us into who we are today. So I don't know if I took the easy way out on that because I didn't nail someone down, but I really do believe that the people that we cross paths with is for a reason.

(05:26): Yeah. So good. What would you say would be your biggest regret? Hmm. The biggest regret, of course, all our regrets helped mold us, right. Helped shape us into who we are, but I would have to say worrying, he would probably get a kick out of it, but worrying about the most trivial things with our kids, that's something that I'm still working on. You know, it seems after, you know, it seems like 18 years goes by way too fast. And, and I regret the time that was spent on silly things. And I know we can't get that time back. And so you could say that that's probably a pretty big regret, but, but, but, but, but because of that, I had a decision to change, you know, to change my focus and the opportunity opportunity to learn from it and to grow from it and have a better relationship with our oldest, for sure than ever before. I share a little bit about that in my book. And so, you know, I think that biggest regret is wasting time on things that don't matter. So I'm so thankful for, for that change and that pivot.

(06:32): Yeah, that's good. I totally see what you're touching on there. Cause we get stuck in parent mode and we have to do the parent duties, but we also sometimes get caught up in the trivial things that let some of the moments pass by. And so yeah, I totally get what you're getting at there. Yeah. A little more positive twist from the regret. What would be your biggest victory

(06:55): That I can say is easy? No, you know, you asked me that a couple years ago and I probably would have said some sort of accomplishment or a level of success at some point and you know, just things changed. And the biggest victory is, you know, turning to the Lord and, and kinda growing in my walk on that, surrendering, surrendering everything to him and, you know, to let go of control. And I know that that's things that I still got to work on, you know, but to let go of the guilt and the fear and the worries and the doubt you know, surrendering the, the comparison and the striving and the pushing and know just giving it all to him, you know, where before I could probably say that I felt weak or that I was saying that I couldn't do it all, you know, or to say that I needed help, you know, that that was hard for me. And so turning to him for everything more freedom, more peace, more joy. I can, I can actually breathe. I mean, chaos is still going on, you know, in our life. But you know, the fact that I could just breathe through all of this, you know, that the victory has been there all along. That's the biggest thing for me over these last few years.

(08:01): Nice. Okay. This one, this is a tricky one. How do you deal with the difficult teenage years that they are driving for autonomy and independence? That's a big word. Yeah. I stumbled a little, a little bit. That was awesome. Who was that from? That was from Lisa. She, yes. Teenagers are difficult. So I'm anxious to hear your okay.

(08:26): Yeah. Yeah, it is. I mean, it kind of goes back to, you know, the, my regret of, of that, you know, because ask me how I dealt with it with our first son with Houston. You know, the answer would not be the same as it is today with the four that are still at home. And, you know, it went from control to working on, you know, the communication and listening. And, but I gotta ask, I mean, isn't that what we want the independence kids to be independent, to be happy, productive you know, kind citizens that, you know, add value to the world. You know what I mean? I, I know I don't want them living with us at 25. You know, so my view on that is that if they are independent, then I think we've done our job, you know, and I, and I pray for that respect to be there from both sides, but, you know, and that goes back to the, you know, how we communicate with them, love them, show them, you know, you know, what's possible.

(09:22): But I do think our kids know, I mean, they really do. They, they know the values that we've instilled in them, you know, they're there. I don't think they necessarily always show it, but they know, and our job is to guide them and teach them and lead them into a, you know, a relationship with the Lord. And, you know, most of all our job is to pray for them to, you know, the thing that they are his, that they're just ours, that they're a gift from him. And, you know, knowing that the Lord loves us, but to think that he loves them more than we even love them, which is so hard to even imagine, but giving surrendering, even them, you know, to the Lord and, you know, because they're not ours and to give up that control, then that we're there as teachers and guides and to love our kids, but to know that God's got them. So I think that independence is such a good thing. It might not be good when they're like five 15, you know, 18, but when they're older, it's such a, it's so good. It's so good. And to see the, you know, just again, you know, thinking about Houston, just to see how he soaring and just taken off and taken on the world, it's just, he's doing such amazing things because of his independence.

(10:37): Yeah, that was good. I was trying to think how I would answer that while you were forming your answer there. And it is actually pretty similar because my thoughts were, as, you know, as parents, we want, I think at times we get caught up trying to mold our kids to be like us. And we have to realize, especially in, you know, a larger family where you have more than two, three, four kids, every child is so different. You can't, you know, they're not cookies, you can't cut them out in the same mold. And with our five, obviously they're each so different, but yeah. You know, starting to become independent in their ways, I guess, as parents, it's our job to help maybe guide them to get to where, like you said, they have respect for others. They, they have a strong faith to where they have as good fundamentals. They might not be our version of independence, but yet they're their best version is that you, you kind of touched on all of that. And it was kind of interesting how you put that together.

(11:36): That was awesome. No, that's so good. Yeah. Just to given up that control and what we see for them might not be what God has placed on their heart. So that's awesome. Next one is a good question too. It's obviously not geared much towards me, but how do you stay motivated day in and day out and get up early and do all the redundant chores that work moms do?

(11:58): Oh gosh. You know, I have always, I've always been a go getter, you know, list maker, you know, knock that, knock the list out each day and we just get it done. But I, again, I keep using the terminology of, you know, flipping the script, you know, ladies, we don't have to do it all. And I think that's, you know, something that we're not told or taught or, or we feel that that's not expected of us. I mean, we don't have to do it all because we have help. We do have help. We have, you know, I mean, we as kids and as a family, you know, we pulled together as a team. And so a lot of times our kids do step up. Now we may have to ask them a few times you know, when it comes to that, but you know, they help with the laundry, they clean their bathrooms, you know, they help sweep the floors, they unload the dishwasher and, you know, I always go around, you know, we're doing a 15 minute clean, everybody's doing a 15 minute clean.

(12:53): It goes back to teaching them to be that independent adult and the responsibilities and, you know, and that's what family is all about. And it doesn't rely on just mom and dad that we all pitch in. So I'm a really good delegator. And Rob, you could probably agree, but flip that script, ladies, I mean, we, as moms, don't have to do it, all that pressure, it can be gone and I'm giving you permission to again, let go of that control and it's okay to ask for help and your kids pitch in. I mean, that's just what being a family is all about

(13:26): For sure. The next two questions here both are geared towards marriage and obviously interested to see your response on these as well. First one is how do you keep your marriage fresh and alive?

(13:41): Ooh, how do we, how do we, this is crazy how we're doing this podcast in the middle of the busiest season ever. I know, I don't know a lot of our listeners, they know that we have a greenhouse. I share this in my book as well. And I know that you're burning at both ends and we have kids and activities and the book release and there's, there's so much good that's happening in all of that. And, and, and time is so precious, but I think back to, so I, I do, I don't think this is a coincidence that we're actually recording this. So you're doing it right now, Rob, you're doing it right now. You're interviewing me when you have 50 million things that you need to be doing. And so you help me, you support me in everything I do. And so, gosh, yeah, you're doing it right now.

(14:37): This is it. We help each other out and, and talk about being a team. This is, this is what we do. I know what last week I, you had stuff going on. I said, well, and I wanted to get a workout in. And I said, well, why don't you just come downstairs in the gym and we chat and you can, you know, work on what it is that you want to work on, but we can just be together. And I think it's the time that we spend. So that's, that's my look on that. So thank you for doing it.

(15:01): That's good because yeah, just because you know, your schedules are busy. Doesn't mean you don't have to be present or be there for each other. Just might shift in a different versions of how you're there. Yeah. But there's nothing better than we're both home bodies at the end of the day. I mean, we really are. I mean, we're not ones that go out on hot dates all the time.

(15:20): The thing I was kind of thinking of that we do is even if we're in the middle of our busy season or whenever, you know, every season is different, but we always try to have something on the Verizon that we can look forward to. Whether it be that you and I will be doing together or some, you know, a lot of times since we were kids at home, a lot of times it's just a family unit we'll be doing together, but we always try to have something on the horizon that we are kind of working on or gearing towards. And, you know, in addition to recording podcasts like this kind of the day to day stuff that we do together to try to, you know, keep close and then we also have the things long-term, you know, month or two away that we look forward to. And then what kind of plants and stuff now. So

(16:03): Kind of goes back to the last week's podcast, take the trip. So if you guys haven't caught that, go back to that. That's so good. So we're always planning something for that, that quality time. But yeah. So anyway, I just wanted to add that in there. Next question is still in a marriage topic. How has your marriage changed with your dependence on Jesus who asks this? This is from darks

(16:27): Darcy, Darcy, Darcy. This is wow. Okay. So how was the marriage change while I think personally and Rob, you can add into this. I think it has gotten better because of the change within me in terms of, you know, letting go of some things and just the communication. And I, I pray that I'm walking around with more peace and calm and in the house and in our relationship. So I think it has gotten better

(17:03): Your answer and I'm writing down kind of, you know, how you might've answered or how I would answer that. I agree because I wrote down when we got a little more deeply rooted in faith, it just makes us want to be better people in general, you know, a better spouse, a better parent, a better friend. And yeah, I mean, it just makes you go through the day and try harder at everything you do on affect all aspects of your life. Yeah, that's good. Okay. What is one of the most challenging seasons you've walked through that you wish where you wished that you had a relationship with the Lord?

(17:40): Because everything just seems to keep going back to, to our kids, Rob, you know, raising teenagers as the hardest thing ever I share in my book, would you rather be in the toddler phase or the teenage years? And I said, sippy cups all the way, teenagers are tough. And again, it goes back to the control that I, you know, I'm a recovering obsessor of details. That's, that's something that I'm, that I'm working on, but it's, it's raising teenagers. And again, I just wish that that was there a little bit sooner, but also very, very thankful because that was part of what led me to the Lord because, you know, there's, there were points that were prayer was the only thing that I felt that I had left. And, you know, so yeah, I think raising teenagers, but it also like inspired me to maybe try, maybe try a relationship with the Lord. You've tried this, this and that, and how's that working for you. And so it turned me to, to be able to seek him and grow in that and, yeah.

(18:46): Good. So good. The next four questions. These are actually geared towards your book. You have coming out, which again, I'm just blown away that you did it. I mean, so proud. So with that in mind, what has been your biggest hurdle to overcome with writing and releasing your book coming out,

(19:07): Man? Okay. Well, I could probably share a few things. I mean, this start, this journey started years ago. I remember I had notes in my phone of an outline of a chapter, you know, of the chapters of topics and stories that I wanted to share, but it was go time. I mean, I, I, I was in my closet and all I heard, I was just praying. And I said, I heard that it was just go time and this is it. And that was last January, February. And it's crazy with this pandemic. I mean, if you think about it, you know, 2020 was crazy and everything, you know, was shutting down, everything was getting canceled, including schools. So that meant five kids at home, full time, you know, throw in a graduating senior and with a mindset of independence that we talked about, you know, I felt that the enemy was throwing a lot of those fiery darts to make this as difficult to write down the message that God gave me in my heart.

(20:04): And I just kind of felt under attack at that time. Again, you throw in our schedules and all seven of us at home. And just, I think I said, kids are always home and now I don't want them to go back to school. I miss him. So that's just crazy. But from working from home and everything our, our whole entire lives were shifted. That kind of just was a challenge and a hurdle that definitely had to overcome all good stuff. But another hurdle that I just kind of thought of, you know, it was actually hitting the submit button for the final editing because the stories I share and the fact that my heart is now out there, and there was that little voice in there. I was like, what are people going to think? And, you know, the doubt and is anyone gonna read this? And it's just all those little things that go through your head when you're, you know, sharing a message that, that you're so passionate about and so real and so close to your heart. And of course we always have those thoughts, but the transparency that I share with each and every one of you guys that that's, that's I think the most challenging part of, again, letting go and just being so super real with each and every one of you guys and the submit button was it. So it's like, ah, it's out there

(21:17): So good. These next three questions are kind of all sort of lumped in one, so we can break them apart or treat them as one. But why did you write the book? What was your motivation and who was it for?

(21:32): Okay, why did I write this book? There was a time where I was, and if you guys are part of the, just breeze sisterhood that started four or five years ago, and I just remember it so vividly because I was at a point in my life where I was pushing and striving, and I found myself chasing these worldly things you know, all that superficial, happiness and stress to the Bram anxiety filled. And I just kinda lost it. And I heard this song just breathe by Johnny Diaz on the radio. And it was a pivotal moment because that's exactly what I needed to hear. I know we always hear things at the time. We need to hear it. And that was that moment, but I just felt lost, you know, I was going through the motions. I was on autopilot and just going through the day and forgot my purpose in life and, and, and who brought me on this earth in the first place.

(22:24): And so I know that I was not the only woman struggling with this, and I just kinda wanted to share that journey of, of the hard in life and what it is that we need to overcome and how we can, and for us not to settle, you know, with things. And again, we've, we've only been given one life, but life's too short to settle for jobs that make us miserable or relationships that are taught sick or settle for unhappiness, I mean, or the negativity in our life. And I think that's just the biggest thing is, okay, what can we do about it? How can we make that shift and show up with the passion and the purpose and who it is that God intended us to be. And so there's a lot of things that we need to overcome and to face. And that's kind of what inspired and motivated me to write this book and this message.

(23:14): And I don't even think it was me. I, it's not, it wasn't me. I mean, God has, you know, taken me on a journey and that's the best part about it because I truly believe it's his message. And he's just kind of using me as that vessel to get it out there to as many women as possible. Who's at four. Well, gosh, I think everyone really, truly everyone, people who are looking to find peace or the calm in the middle of chaos, those looking to find their own personal freedom through Jesus. I mean, women who are for a way out, anyone who has any kind of struggle or pain or hurt or something that they've gone through, whether it's physical, emotional, or spiritual, I mean this book and the message that God shared with me, I mean, it's to give hope and healing and help, you know, set people free. And so that's kind of forever.

(24:02): You're kind of starting to touch on it, but we have one more question here and you kind of were diving into this, but what in conclusion, what do you want the reader to walk away with after reading your book set free?

(24:17): Oh, that's simple. That's easy freedom. It's called set free for a reason, but freedom, a closer relationship with the Lord. And it's something that, I mean, this is not about religion. It is truly about a relationship with our creator and for us to be able to walk with him as the person that he created us to be, to have the courage, to face the hard to show up as our most truest self and to have a healed heart and to live with purpose on purpose. So to walk in that true freedom is a complete game changer. And I know for me, I never want to never want to go back and if I can just help one person's life be set free. That would be absolutely amazing.

(24:56): That's excellent. Well, I think you handled the hot seat pretty well. Thank you. Almost like you've done that. I love it so much fun. You know what we should do? We should like, have you host or us team up together more often? I think so, Tim, that would be wonderful. Now I know. I really do. I think

(25:18): A boy now we're back to the building, the marriage and relationship here. Aren't we? Yeah, I know it's definitely out of my comfort zone, but I still, I still really enjoyed it. This is great. Okay. To wrap things up, we would definitely like to invite you to take a sneak peek of set free and join us at freeze book club. You can go to Joe Allen coaching.com, where you can find the link in Jill's just brief Facebook group. Again, set free is scheduled to release in may. Also Joe knows you're being called to rise. We want to invite you to the Jaspreet sisterhood at 12 month mindset and accountability experience rooted in biblical truth for Christian women like you, who are ready to rise up head to just breathe Lanka, Joe Allen, coaching.com heads up on the next episode, we're going to continue the set free journey with a special guest and parenting coach. So come back next week, as we unpack so much more looking forward to that. Thanks so much for joining us today. Please subscribe, share this episode link on your social media. If you felt encouraged or inspired, as we all know someone that can benefit. And I would love it. If you would give some feedback and reviews as well, talk to you next time. Fit be for years being stopped. See ya. Awesome.

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