Hi there. I'm Jill Allen and this is find your fierce, the show designed for women to discover your fierce, unlock and unstoppable mindset. Build unbreakable courage and completely transform how you show up every single day. Each week I will bring ideas, methods and strategies that will inspire you to step into your greatness and live life on purpose. Let's be fit, fierce and unstoppable.
(00:36): Hey there. Welcome. To find your fears. We are back and I am so glad that you were here with us because we have another special guest here today. She is founder of when the day productions host of when the day podcasts and she is on a mission to help others become the best version of themselves, which is right up my alley. Absolutely love it. I know she loves to discover how people are wired, how they process the world and how their strengths can be used to win each day as they add value to others. Meet my friend, Becky Allen, how are you? I'm good. I'm good. Thanks for having me on. I'm excited to get, to have some time together. Yeah, no, this is, this is awesome. Your time is so precious and for us to be able to here to chat and connect, I think it's going to be really good.
(01:21): Well, so tell us, tell us what when the day means. I mean, you're the founder of the, when the day productions you're leading a podcast, it's to me, such a powerful message. What does it, what does it mean to win your day? Yeah, it's definitely something that has become such a, such a way of life, like for me and my family. And so the story sort of starts about four years ago. My husband Darren was diagnosed with testicular cancer and it was a shock to us for sure. I mean, he was a health and wellness, professional, personal trainer. He had done some bodybuilding. He was just, I mean, he was who everybody went to for like health and wellness questions. And so it was just shocking. Also, cause he was just 31 at the time. And so Darren and I were big planners, especially him.
(02:17): He was very, forward-thinking kind of gave him a hard time about it because he would be talking about like retirement when we are like, you know, 20 like come on. So much vision. Yeah, lots of vision, maybe too much sometimes. But that was the thing that was really tricky is when he was going through his treatment is he was so restricted in what he could do each day because he wouldn't feel that greater his energy was lower or, you know, just so many unknowns. And he was really wrestling and frustrated with that lack of efficient and, and unknown. And so he had some quiet time one day and he came downstairs. I mean, he, he just different, like there was light in his eyes and I was like, okay, something's up. I was like, what's going on? Like what, what happened? And he was like, I just had some quiet time and I was praying and just kind of wrestling with this loss of control and you know, talking to God about it.
(03:14): And I just heard him say when the day it's, I gotta worry about when the day and I'll take care of the rest. And so some days for him when the day meant living a relatively normal life and working and being present with our family and helping around the house. And then other days when the day was, you know, maybe just taking a shower or just sitting up in bed and going for a walk around the block, like it looks different. And so when you really let yourself, let go of what happens tomorrow, like really truly, and you're in this 24 hour segments at a time, you know, you assess where you're at, how you're feeling, what your day looks like. Cause it usually looks different than when we thought it was gonna when we woke up, but we just give it the very best we can.
(04:00): And then there's no, there's no guilt. There's no frustration, hopefully right at the end of the day when it's like, you know, I really did when this day, even though my kids were grabby or I got a flat tire or this happened, like given the constraints of my day health, I really showed up and I'm going to surrender the rest to God. So that's really where that when the day message came from and it kind of caught on like wildfire. And I think because so many of us struggle with this like loss of control we want control. I mean, it's sort of false, right? I mean, what can we really actually control, but we can control.
(04:36): Yeah. And I think we start, I think at least speaking for myself, I'm not typically someone who's struggled with like anxiety, right. But this last year has been very different for all of us. And I think when I start to get that anxious feeling, it's a clue to me that I'm one I'm trying to control and you know, turning it over. But also I'm looking too far ahead because I think when we're looking too far ahead and we start to feel kind of that like anxiousness that's assigned for me that I've got to really put my perspective back and like be in, in the moment. So that's really where the one that I started and then it's kind of evolved from there.
(05:14): I love how you said, because I think there's so many of us out there that do plan and look ahead and dream and I'm, I'm a big dreamer and visionary where, you know, you can can see, you know, I remember a question that was always asked in a company that we both worked with. I know that's how we met guys by the way, Becky and I have met, I mean it was years ago and I know we connected at a leadership event, but the question was where do you see yourself in two years? Where do you see yourself in five years? And for me, I was like, Ooh. And it got us draining, but we sometimes forget that we have to come back and say, well, what are the daily daily steps? What is it that we can do today that will help us with those visions or those dreams that I was, I was caught myself always looking ahead and not being in that moment years of that.
(06:03): Yeah. You hard wire yourself for that. And it's not even a bad thing. I mean, you're right. It's good to have a sense of direction. It's just, I think we start to like, it's open and then all of a sudden it's like, no, this is the way I've got to go. Right. We kind of close our fist around it and eliminate the flexibility in things. And that's one thing I've really learned about myself over the last several years is I have such a pull to be black and white and that's not even really a practical way to live. I mean, things are not black and white. I mean there's certain principles. Yes, of course. But I'm just saying like the daily, the, the living of life is carried out in this messy middle. I always call it gray space and I've noticed this internal pressure. I'll put on myself to force myself into making a decision so it can be black or white. Right. And kind of moving out of that. And it's like, that's not really how it works. Like sure. You can be quick to make this decision, but be just as open to maybe find something new out and need to make a different decision. But it's a hard space.
(07:07): Yeah. But I think that gray space, I love how you call it, that there could be so much reward and what we can learn about almost everything and how we respond and how we show up is in that gray space. The unknown. Yeah.
(07:25): Yeah. I don't like being there. I don't think, I don't think any of us do, but I think that the quicker we are to understand that that's really where most of our space is going to be lived out and to sort of accept it and learn to like live with the ambiguity. The better off we are. I mean, that's that surrender? That's the giving up. It's the focusing on what I can do today and, and kind of letting go.
(07:49): Yeah, no, I get it. That it's a challenge. I like the black and white too. You know, you go this way or you go that way and you make a decision and run with it. But being in that, going with the flow, that's not something that I'm used to easy going. That's probably not how someone would describe me, but once I think we can go with, and it's not even, it's just, maybe God's flow is what we probably need to go with, step into it, lean into it. And just so, I mean, how do you, I mean, you're, you're a coach, you, you are a speaker and you impact so many people with your story and, and testimony, you know, where do you ask them to start in and part of your journey. And I part, I know that you share your testimony and you share your story of how you have overcome so much. Where do people begin when they are maybe in that gray space or they're facing an unknown so interesting,
(08:56): Because I think so often the message we're asked to bring to others is the one we really need the most. And so we're asked to bring it to others because it's, we need the repetition, you know, we need to hear it over and over again. And so unfortunately Darren passed away, it'll be three years this coming March. And I've had to have so much patience in this process and, and of, you know, really having things become done and then coming to this middle space of, well now what, and so I just really try to encourage people like it's okay to not have all the answers. We don't need to know them. And to just sort of like rest in the space as it presents itself, because I think I'm so quick to pivot, right? Like I'm a doer. I have a really wonderful therapist. And she recently told me, she's like, Becky, you have an addiction.
(09:47): I was like, I do, she's like, you're addicted to doing, you need to stop it. And I'm like I mean doing is my drug of choice. It just, it is. And so the more aware I can be of that, that, that I'm not running to doing it, overlooking things because the buildup of that is just going to cause burnout. I mean, I mean, we're all experiencing burnout right now for a multitude of different reasons, but ignoring, it does not help doing your way out of that. You can't. And so it's sort of just being in the space of like, self-love grace and patience. If you can kind of sit in that and it's not going to always feel like that, it's not going to always feel great. It's not going to always feel heavy. It's not going to always feel like you're like living in molasses. It will, you know, find a way forward through that. But it's just sort of recognizing where you are and being okay with it and, and knowing that God will meet you in that middle. And it won't always feel like,
(10:46): Can you have joy when you're in that space? Were you able to find, find that joy or that peace or the calm when you're in that gray space? It's interesting because part of me thinks that I'm such a silver lining enthusiast, right? Like I want to see that, like, I need to see that in order to sort of move through those spaces or sit in those spaces, I'm hard wired for like, my cup is not just half full. Like I want it to be overflowing, but that can't always be the case. You know, you can't always fake that and it's okay if it doesn't feel like that. But I really did feel that calm in the middle of the storm, kind of like the eye of the tornado kind of being in that. And I remember sitting at one of my really good friend's house after Darren had passed away and I was sitting on her couch and I think everybody sort of thought I was going to come and down at the scenes a little bit.
(11:42): And I sort of had been doing that, like leading up to like kind of grieving before Darren really passed. But I remember explaining to her that I had felt like I was in that in the middle of it, but that, in that I felt like God was just like sitting next to me on the couch. And like, we didn't have to say anything, just his presence and knowing he was there, it was just sustaining me. And it was enough. I didn't feel like I had to reach or overextend or like, you know, it was just kind of this like understanding of like, yeah, this sucks, but there absolutely can still be joy. I, I remember afternoon past it had been so heavy for so long because he was sick for about 15 months beforehand and he spent a lot of time at home. And so there was good moments too.
(12:25): It wasn't all hard, but a lot of it was, and there was this heaviness, of course that was like washed over like me and the kids in the house and just our schedule. Cause it was just a constant rotation of appointments and medications and things like that. And so, you know, once, you know, Darren was relieved of his pain and, you know, welcome to his eternal home, I did have this joy and I felt really conflicted. I felt really guilty. I struggle with like a lot of, of guilt. And I remember this friend sending me a message and just saying like, Hey, things have been happy for a really long time. Like it's okay if you feel some joy, like it's okay if you know, we're daring went and to allow yourself to feel joy, that, that your life in some respects feels lighter. Now, if you can, even if that even made sense, but like my schedule was freed up to like be a mom again and to be me and to turn my attention to some of those things. And so sort of like a grief and relief, but her just sort of acknowledging like it's okay to have joy. Like it makes sense that you would to celebrate and to celebrate. It's really a way to move through guilt. And so to capture that was really helpful for me.
(13:39): Wow. You're definitely an overcomer. Well, you know, it's funny because like when you're in it, you don't see that. And I know you've gone through hard stuff to jail. Like I'm not the only one and when you're in it, it's just, you feel like you're, you know, you're like in the deep end and you're just like this. Right. You know, you just, it's, it's hard to see sometimes, but that's sweet of you to say it's, it's just, I sort of refuse to like, let life kick me in the teeth. Like maybe a couple of days, you know, and they're going to be down, but it's like every morning I'm getting out of bed, I'm opening my blinds. Sun's coming in. I'm not gonna let something.
(14:17): Yeah, exactly. That is a choice. And I'm probably, and I don't want to put words in your mouth. It's probably a daily, intentional when the day choice. Yeah. So I mean, some seasons in weeks are easier than others. I mean, I live in a Midwest state, Wisconsin, and it's cold and gray and that is hard. We have the gain Ohio blinded because I'm not used to it.
(14:45): Yeah. It definitely yeah, the sun's out here today too. Thankfully makes such a, but yeah. Some days are some days are harder than others. Yeah. Yeah. How did you get through that as a greeting, a grieving wife and as a mom,
(15:02): How did I get through like Darren passing away? Well, you know, it's interesting because I've been connected with so many other young widows. One of them has become like a very dear friend of mine and we talk like every day. And so I feel like I've been exposed to so many different stories of death and loss because it sort of becomes a little bit of a magnet, which that makes sense, right? People are open and comfortable sharing their story with you and you can relate on different levels. So what's interesting is almost all of the widows, except for a couple that I know experienced, lost sending and tragically. Right. I mean, it was always tragic, but just like, you know, car accidents, overdoses, like it just was immediate. And that is so jarring like that. The flip of a switch where literally moments later, everything in your life is different.
(15:53): You don't know passwords, you don't know bank account stuff, you don't take out the trash. I mean, the list that your life is different is massive. And so, you know, when Darren was first diagnosed, there was 15 months of this like slow and doing. And so all of a sudden I noticed, Oh, he's not taking the garbage out on garbage days anymore. Like, I'll do that now. You know? Or he used to pay the bills on this day, but you know, I can tell he's not going to, so I'll do that. And so there was just sort of the shifting of like, I'll figure out how to get the kids to their places. And so it was over time. It wasn't all in one thing. So there was just sort of this like slow transfer of things. And so even though it was like literally held to see someone you love and care for sort of, you know, become undone.
(16:40): That part made the transition. I don't even want to say easier because that's not even the right word, but softer maybe. And so that was part of it. And you know, it's interesting because for the first six months, maybe, maybe not even that long, I felt like alive. Like I, I felt like I went on this, this is a tangent, but I went on this trip after Darren had passed away. It was maybe like four months. And I like loved the ocean, the beach, like that is my happy place. And so I hadn't had like downtime in forever. And so I like booked a solo trip to the beach three, three nights or something like that. And I remember I was reading this book called the rhythm of life by Matthew Kelly. I love it. It was like the perfect book to read. Like it intersected just perfectly with what I needed to hear.
(17:27): And it was talking about like becoming your best self, which is something that I've really leaned into in tandem with, you know, the, when the day kind of mantra is like, what does it take for you to be your best self? How can you help others do that? You know, that kind of thing. And so anyways, I was walking down the beach and I was praying and talking to God and I was asking my, the book had just finished and had some reflection questions. So one of them was, was the last time you were your best self. So I'm walking in thinking when was the last time I wasn't my best self and my like quick response to that was right now. And I remember I immediately felt guilty. Like how could I feel my best right now? Like I just lost my spouse, who I been with since I was 18, how could right now be the very best version of myself.
(18:17): And so I immediately found guilty. And then just as quickly as that question was answered, I felt God kind of nudged me and say like, there is no reason for you to feel guilty. It's like when you give someone a gift, which is what Darren's life was to you, like people give you a gift so that you feel guilty, that they spent money or time on you. That that is never the intent of the gift. The intent of the gift is that you enjoy and you love it and you appreciate it. And so it was like Darren's short life was a gift to me to never take a day or a moment for granted and to live life out, like on a full, full spectrum, full scale, kind of like all in way of living. And there's no way I fully absorbed that and know that and understand that without that gift from him. And so that should not ever be connected to guilt, but that should be something that's like a celebration and really just to be treasured really. And so that has helped kind of erase like some of that, some of that guilt
(19:18): Is the best way of looking at life. And I know we need to be reminded of that daily. It's like, why does, why do we have to be reminded of that? Like, it should be so obvious, but I think sometimes we're, we're all doing go, go, go, striding, pushing, performing what's next. I mean, I'm just trying, I mean, I'm going through how I even, and, and the message is findings. Like our message is what we need to hear the most and that's our mess. And I know that's my message too. It's like, okay, we just need to breathe and be in the moment and celebrate what we have right in front of us. And, and the journey, both decisions left, right. Gray, everything is there's meaning and every single moment for sure.
(20:10): And that's not to say it's always been sunshine and rainbows. It wasn't like that day on the beach. I was like, Oh, my life is so wonderful. This is great. Like, it's been really hard, you know? And, and I think, you know, for the first couple of years I was thrown into single parenting. And so it wasn't something I'd ever thought I would do or was signed up for. And so it was just constant running, living out of my car, not literally, but you know, the rotation of sports in school and all the things. And so I had really done myself into a way of not really feeling. And, and you pick a word, Jill, like, do you do a word for the year? Have you heard of that? Okay. Did you do a word? I did. So last year, my word was rest. And I remember cause the, the, my experience and I'm sure I don't want to speak over years, but it's like, you don't choose the word, the word chooses you.
(21:01): Right. Okay. So that was the word they chose me. And I remember, I literally laughed. I was like, good one God. Like I'm a single mom, like how? And I was starting when, the day in the podcast and everything I'm like, how am I going to rest? Like, that is ridiculous. Like good one. Well, enter pandemic. It's like a hard stuff. And so it's interesting because that hard stop I had to stop doing. And it was really hard. Like, I didn't know what to do with myself. And I started having some like, physical things pop up, like nothing crazy, but just like some gut issues and some, you know, like muscle, what, I mean, just different things that were happening. And I'm like, what is going on right now? Like with me? And I think it was, I was finally slowed down. I was finally in a, in a quiet space.
(21:56): I had to like, just take, I, I mean, I couldn't stuff anything more. Like I just, I had to let go of stuff. I mean, I just felt like I was sort of being choked out by guilt. I felt like I had just done myself out of feeling. And I, so I don't know if you follow any gram stuff too, but I'm an Enneagram one. And so, you know, productions, Taipei, that's kind of like my emo. And so I heard recently that one is always striving to be appropriate. That is, that is there, you know, what's the appropriate thing to say, what's the appropriate thing to wear. What's the appropriate thing to do. And that is me. I am trapped by appropriateness and I had boxed myself in. And so I started, you know, reading this book too called burnout. And it was just talking about the physical manifestation in our bodies of burnout, like lack of compassion that you feel, you feel like you don't have a purpose.
(22:58): Just these things that we feel when we're all kind of like dragging on. And, and I was feeling those things and they talked about how we have all of these completed stress cycles, because something happens if you get mad or, you know, we feel like we can't let it out because it wouldn't be appropriate socially. I'm the mom, I'm the caretaker. Like I can't be frustrated by this, or, you know, it's not appropriate for me to respond to this comment that someone just threw at my, so anyways, you have all these unmet on completed stress response cycles. And so they're just kind of bouncing all around us and in our mind and our gut in our heart and our, you know, and so I couldn't, I didn't have any more space to hold any more of those. So it's been like this release and this outlet of those things. So it's, it's anyways, I just don't want people to be like, Oh, I'm just like read the day all the time. You know, there's, there's hard things with it too, you know? And so I just, I, can't not talk about that because 20, 21, my word is vulnerability and I would usually just skip over the messy part. So that's fine.
(24:02): The, and I, and I know that that's exactly what you're doing here and sharing your heart that has to be freeing to just let go of that control and Of feeling that cause that's a lot of pressure.
(24:20): It is, and it's on too, right? Because I'm so familiar. I mean, it's so easy for me to go to those places because that was sort of my armor. That was like my buffer. Those were my false parameters that I was like living within. And so being aware of those things is, is good, but it's not like you can just drop them. Do you watch this as us? Have you ever seen that show? I was catching up on it last night. And it was, I don't know if you saw the recent episode and I don't want to give away any spoilers, but Randall's finding out about his family. And so there's this moment where he experiences this and this and his mother did too, but they're like in the water, like in a Lake and someone's with them and it's the same. Like you've got to let go of it. Like you're holding too much pain. You have to let go. And like looked back with tears in their eyes. And they said, I don't know how, and it just, then the it kind of neared back and just said, if you don't, your guilt will strangle you. And I just, I was just like listening to this because I was like, how did they know you did some comps?
(25:31): Great to me, so many letter holding on.It's like, right. Like, even though that's not unhealthy, like that is the only way we know. And so it's terrifying to think about letting go of that. And then you don't have anything to hide behind anymore. You know, it's like, I wasn't ever thought I was somebody who struggled with that, but like, I don't have a significant other to hide it. Like, I, I, I don't mean that in a bad way, but I'm just saying, I remember this quote one time where it was like, marriage is not two people becoming one it's, hole's becoming, half's just beautiful. But I went from a hole to a half back to having to redevelop this other second half with me. And so it's interesting to see these things kind of be exposed and like, huh, I didn't know that was there.
(26:21): Thanks for, thanks for sharing that. Waking me up. Yeah. It's so it's messy when we've all, we've all got stuff, you know? And so it's, it's, that's my thing this year is I'm going to face some of that and really let go of it and like actually really do it and, and try best not to think about it.
(26:38): Well, and when you face those things that the guilt or the shame, or the doubt, or the trauma or the hurt, or the pain, all of that, that's when we can finally make our biggest gains or show up to actually win the day, the way that God wants us to and who, and that he has created, created us to do. Amen. I'm getting goosebumps. That was good. I mean, you're, you're totally right. Totally right. Yeah.
(27:07): But we have to go through that. We have to go through the gray space. We have to wrestle with all that before we can actually be set free. It's a process and being okay with it, giving yourself grace in the process. But it's, it's a word that
(27:24): This is so good. Covered so much. I love being in the moment being present, embracing that gray space, letting go, what else, what else? I mean, we have the ability to win the day, keeping it like arms length or just 24 hour chunks. That is so doable. That is so sustainable and something that we can ask ourselves daily, what can we do today to win that day and to give ourselves some grace? Is there anything that you want to add, add to that for our final thought?
(28:04): I just think like it's paying attention and it's, it's slowing down enough to pay attention to here. You know, God wanting to move you to different spaces. It's, it's an awareness of like, wow, my shoulders are tight. I've been clenching my job. Like what's with this tension headache. It's like, okay, what are those things mean to us? Like, what are you, what are you trying to force that shouldn't be forced? What are you holding onto that you need to let go of? I mean, I just think if we pay attention, our mind, heart and body, like our spirit, like those things will tell us what we need to do and where we need to go. We just have to slow down and lean in and pay attention to those things because God's not trying to keep it a secret. He's not like, let me see if they can decode this message. Like, it's, it's not a thing, but if we're too busy to notice and be paying attention, then we're going to miss it. And so, you know, it's just, it's slowing down. It's being okay with where you're at. And I mean, that's, that's, that's really it.
(29:07): Yeah. I love it. It's so good. Where can they find you download? And I know you have a bunch of good stuff. Yeah. So when the day pro blogs are podcasts, is there got some merge there too. And otherwise, like on social media, I was trying to run two different accounts. It's just getting, you know, I don't have time for that. So Instagram, they can follow at Becky underscore Allan and, you know, sharing these types of thoughts and the different podcasts that come out and, you know, just yeah. Opening up to what's. So yeah, that's where we can
(29:42): Connect and I would love to, yeah, we will definitely share that as well. I cannot thank you enough for joining us today. Thank you so much for being here, ladies, you are being called to rise. I want to invite you to the just free sisterhood, a 12 month mindset and accountability experience rooted in biblical truth for Christian women, like you, who are ready to rise up head to be fit and fierce.com forward slash just breathe. Or you can check it out on the just brief Facebook group heads up on the next episode. We're going to talk a bit, it's funny. We're going to continue this about letting go of things that hold you back from the call on your life. Thanks so much for joining us today. Thank you so much, Becky, please subscribe. Share this episode, link on your social media. If you felt encouraged or inspired, as we all know someone that can benefit, and I would love it. If you would give some feedback and a review as well, talk with you next time, be fit, be fierce, be unstoppable. See ya.
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