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You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with. Meaning, if you hang out with people with poor mindsets and habits, you’ll develop them yourself.

But the opposite is also true. And when properly harnessed, it can help you reach all of your goals and ambitions much faster than you otherwise would have.

In this episode, I’m giving you my formula for determining if the people in your life are improving or sabotaging your life so you can reach your full potential.

Show Highlights Include:

  • The single most important thing you can do to create better habits in your life (1:33)
  • How to flip this weird human “glitch” on its head to help you reach all of your goals (4:27)
  • Half the trick of starting a business that’s actually successful (4:59)
  • How the people around you are subconsciously sabotaging your self-esteem (7:19)
  • The one question you must ask yourself when deciding to distance yourself from a relationship (11:28)
  • The 3-step formula for fail-proofing your life regardless of your goals (17:19)

If you have zero energy to focus on yourself and need extra support and accountability from women who know what it’s like to juggle a crazy busy life, then go to https://befitandfierce.com and become unstoppable with us.

Or, if you want to join a sisterhood dedicated to growing our faith, join our Just Breathe Facebook Group.

Read Full Transcript

Hi there. I'm Jill Allen and this is find your fierce, the show designed for women to discover your fierce, unlock and unstoppable mindset. Build unbreakable courage and completely transform how you show up every single day. Each week I will bring ideas, methods and strategies that will inspire you to step into your greatness and live life on purpose. Let's be fit, fierce and unstoppable.

(00:34): Hey there everyone. How are you? Welcome to the eighth episode of find your fierce, happy that you're here with us today. As I'm going to ask you some tough questions that will prompt you to get real and honest with the people you are surrounding yourself with. I will just get right to it. I'm going to ask you, are you hanging out with the wrong people? Because here's the thing, we all mirror the habits of the people we spend the most time with. So to build good habits, we need to spend more time with the people who already practice good habits. I read a while back about the proximity effect. Basically it was saying that the social proximity effect turns you into your friends because humans are social creatures and we're all highly influenced by the people around us each day, and it totally makes sense to me.

(01:24): You know, there's little that you can do to control it as it is human nature, but we can control who we choose to spend our time with. Do you agree? We pick up on the habits and the mindset of who we spend the most time with. Think about what we tell our kids, what our parents told us. We encourage or we want our kids to hang out with kids who make good choices or who have good habits or who have a strong mindset, but then what about us? Do we focus on who we spend our time with? We teach our children to be selective about who their friends are. So why do we think that doesn't apply to us as adults? We encourage our children to be careful about the influences around them, knowing that they're going to be heavily influenced by those closest to them.

(02:11): We see that. We know that and I want us to do some self reflection here today. Let's look at our everyday habits. What do you do in the morning? Do you work out? Do you like to run and train for triathlons? You know, what do you do after you are ready for the day? After you have breakfast? How do you behave at work? How do you spend your evenings? What do you like to do on the weekends? Where did all these things come from? Or then likely they come from someone you met along the way. Who influenced you one way or another? Think about this. It could be the way we talk, the way we speak. It could be a joke or saying you picked up from a friend. You know right now our entire house, my husband, my kids, they're all saying yes sir. Not sure why, but why they say it.

(02:57): We say it when something good like it's a good thing. Who knows? But we're definitely marrying those. Those words are copying. What are our kids saying? It's so easy, but it could be a habit that you inherited from your boss. It could be your relationship to money that came from your parents or a hobby that came from your husband or our wife. I think you get the point. I mean, it doesn't take long for the proximity effect to start working its way into our behavior. Let's think about it this way and let's just keep it simple. I mean, what do you do when someone smiles at you? We mirror it back, right? We mirror it. We smile back. You know, simple gesture in a behavior that we mere, I mean there's absolutely nothing wrong with this. It's simply a characteristic of humans. This is how we learn.

(03:42): This is how we relate to one another, but it also shows me or it proves to me or underlines the importance of being thoughtful about exactly what you expose yourself to when it comes to learning and who you spend time with and who you relate to. Do you know if that proximity effect dictates that will mirror the people around us? Then we have to carefully monitor who those people are and it's the one variable that we actually can control. The proximity effect is not just something to watch for or to be on the lookout for, to tiptoe around. I mean if we can actually grab ahold of this, if we can grab this concept or harness this concept, we can use it to improve our life. If we believe this theory, because you know if hanging around people with bad habits will cause you to develop bad habits yourself, then the opposite is also true.

(04:36): Spending time around people with good habits will cause you to develop good habits. Guys, that is good news. Actually that fires me up. I love it because we have a say in who we hang out with. If you want to be more adventurous, find adventurous people to hang out with, who stretch you, who push you outside your comfort zone, who take you on that adventure. If you want to start a business it is going to be hard to do that from inside a cubicle surrounded by other people in other cubicles. So to improve your odds of actually starting and being successful at a business. We need to find friends or a mentor who's already done it, who is doing it, who can help you? So we got to start hanging around other entrepreneurs. What about your health habits, your fitness habits? If you have cruddy eating habits and you don't exercise, you might have a circle of friends or family who do the same but yet you want to change that.

(05:33): But we have to get yourself on a fitness journey and to be able to do that, to change that, you have to change the amount of time you spend with that group or find another group that does eat well. That does make exercise a priority. Who is on a fitness journey? We need to be able to find that community. In many cases you hardly need to worry about doing the actual thing you want to do. Instead your effort on finding people who already do that thing and build relationships with them. You know, if there's something you want to do or change about your life, then think of people who could spend more time with are the places you could go that would allow you to take advantage of that proximity effect. Let's dive into this a little bit more. I'm going to share with you three strategies, tips that I think will help you as I know that they have helped me.

(06:22): So number one, identify your inner circle. Who formed your inner circle? Is it your best friend at work? People in your neighborhood, somebody you grew up with, those you work out with, someone at your kid's sporting events, or maybe even somebody you met at church named the people you consider in your inner circle. How many are there one? Are there two? Five? Seth, are there more? What qualifies the person to be in your inner circle other than the fact that they might be familiar or it's comfortable? What do you guys talk about when you're together? Do you talk about people, events, ideas? Someone wants said, great minds. Talk about ideas. Average minds talk about events and small minds. Talk about people. Your inner circle only talks about people and or events. Think about this. Is it time for change? Are you good with that? I think it was Dave Ramsey.

(07:14): You are the average. He said you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. This basically means that the people who occupied most of your time have a huge impact on your life. Their influence can impact everything from your self esteem all the way [inaudible], even the food you eat, you know, I'll give you an example of how the people in your day can affect your day to day. I used to teach at the local high school here and overall I loved it, loved the kids, loved the coaches that I coached with, the teachers that I taught with, but when I would avoid the teacher's lounge, okay, I got to tell you, my days were absolutely amazing, but the days I would step in there on my off period, I would feel tired, exhausted, grumpy, stressed. It was impacting the person I was that day.

(08:02): It drained me. It was so easy to get sucked into the negative mindset inside that teacher's lounge. Okay. And then I would take it home outside of work. It was impacting my entire day. So these are some questions you can ask yourself. What kinds of people are in your top five? If you spend a lot of time at work, then it's likely several members of your top five are coworkers, the people you spend time with outside of work such as your family and friends. I just want you to fill in those gaps. What are those people like? Do they tend to be more optimistic or pessimistic? Are they supportive of your goals and ambitions or do they more often bring you back to reality? What values are important to them? Do they represent the kind of person that you would like to become? How do you feel when you spend time with them?

(08:52): You know when you're hanging out with your top five, do you feel inspired and uplifted or do they leave you feeling drained? You know those kinds of ones that you avoid and run from in the grocery store or when their name comes across your phone, you don't even want to answer it because you know the impact that they're going to have on you. Or do they challenge you to grow as a person and your career in your relationships, your health, you know, do they leave you feeling stuck or do these relationships support you or do they leave you feeling depleted? I want you to think about that here today. Do the people in your top five make a positive impact on you? No. I'm not saying that you should drop every friend who's going through a difficult time. People can't help but be people. But if a friend is consistently having a negative impact on your life in a long term way, who's using you as an emotional punching bag or to take, there are problems out on, you know, or is it, if they're having some other toxic effect on you, then you might want to consider distancing yourself from them.

(09:48): Making that conscious effort to put your energy into more positive friendships. That can make a big huge difference in your life. And what are you learning in these relationships? Spend time with the people who are smarter or more skilled than you. I get it. It can be scary, it can be intimidating, but challenge yourself to leave your comfort zone and learn from others. It can really help you grow and develop as that person you want to be. You never know what new skills they might teach you. Number two, delete the toxic. And I'm talking about toxic people and the toxic environments. You know there's signs that letting go of someone in your life as needed. There are people that can be hindering us from elevating you to the next level. Maybe you've outgrown them, you know you dread being around them and even talking to them because you feel like you're not getting anywhere.

(10:37): You are wanting to move forward and up level, but yet they're stuck in the past. Maybe you feel guilty when you are hanging out with your friends or they tend to sabotage your goals and you find yourself reverting back to your old way of life before you bettered yours. And what about those green crushers you have expressed to them maybe your gifts and talents and how you're going to pursue and chase your purpose instead of them uplifting you and being happy for you, they tell you how they think it won't work, how it can't be done or how you should do something else. Instead, the people God has assigned to your life will push you towards the will of God that he has for you, not pull you away. Remove the dream crusher. I mean, they are the ultimate blessing blockers. Encourage and pray for those individuals to be in your life who are genuinely happy for you.

(11:27): The question to ask yourself is, if you're a success skyrocket in any area of your life, what would be the reactions of the five people whose opinions matter most to you? Would they be supportive and excited or upset and critical of you? You know the question. The question is so crucial because if those we are closest to have a negative response. It means that we're also going to be affected emotionally in a negative way and this happens in all areas of her life. When someone starts to grow, especially those that are growing and working on themselves, it's important to realize that if those we let into our inner circle have a negative attitude toward our greater success and criticize us for having bigger goals, it can stop us in our tracks and you may have that going on in your life right now. It is a barrier that prevents us from growing beyond a certain point.

(12:18): Instead of focusing their energy on making significant breakthroughs themselves, they're focused on maintaining the status quo. Again, I want you to ask yourself, are you hanging around the wrong people? And it's hard to talk about because if you have your eyes on a bigger future, it may mean you have to cut some people out of your life and replace them with new ones and may. And that is tough to say and even tougher to do is your bigger future or being accepted by the people who want you to stay as you are. What is more important to you? So make sure that those who are closest to you are always on your side, that they're voting for your success. Think about if they're keeping you complacent, it's time to get real. If you surround yourself with people who support you, you're always going to have an atmosphere of that positive energy and momentum and the more successful you will become.

(13:10): And I'm going to say it again. When we're working to change our lives and reach our goals, one of the most critical areas to examine is to check what types of people we hang around most often. And one of the hardest changes are one of the hardest alterations many people face on the way to reaching their goals is the realization that the people they've surrounded themselves with are negative influences. And no, I'm not advocating you to drop your friends because you've changed or trying to find a new set of people to pal around with so you can look better than you currently are. But this is about evaluating our relationships and determining whether or not they have a positive or negative influence on us. And what about those that drain all your energy? This person, you know, they burden you with all their problems and give that negative energy on.

(13:55): All they do is complain about what's going wrong in their lives and they bring your spirit down. Of course, we know friends are supposed to help each other during difficult times. I totally get it, but someone shouldn't be weighing you down with all their issues and problems all the time. You know, there is no problem with giving advice or encouragement, but you shouldn't be feeling drained with a lack of energy after talking to them, and I want you to think about that. All relationships should be 50 50 that should be also be pouring back into you. You shouldn't be the only one giving them advice. If not, it's time to reevaluate. The best decision you can make is to cut ties with people who are holding you down. Are they negative? Do they gossip or put other people down? Do they consistently discourage you from following your hopes, your dreams, your plans?

(14:42): Are they a poor influence or someone that empowers a bad habit? Those toxic people need to be gone from your life and you can still be friendly, but within certain boundaries, have new boundaries set up. This is especially true when it comes to family members. Can you allow that person to remain in your life in an unlimited way? Can you continue to interact with them without being alone with them or give them a place of significant influence in your life? If not, then you'll have to make that hard decision to delete them from your life. Now you can also change your environment. You know, I imagine that many of your friends or people you became acquainted with, you know is due to your, that regular, that proximity effect that we talked about, right? Maybe you met them in your own neighborhood or your school growing up or back in college.

(15:27): You know, sometimes we meet people at work who are no colleagues at first, but grow to become part of that inner circle. It doesn't really matter where you met. I just want you to recognize that the people you hang out with are likely there because of a shared environment. So if you wake up one day and realize you needed to find a new set of friends who won't be bad influences, don't go looking for new friends. In the same old places. This doesn't mean you need to drop everything. Quit your job, move to a new neighborhood. What it does mean is that you need to change the places you frequent. I mean, it's like if you're not happy with the types of people you're meeting down at the local bar, then why do you keep going to the bar if you haven't been able to make any genuine friends at church, maybe it's time to look for a new church filled with different people.

(16:09): There's no rule that says you're stuck going to the same old places all the time. There's no law that says your closest 10 friends have to be coworkers or the people you've known all your life. So where do the people that you think would positively impact you like to hang out? What are the things the people you admire, like to do? Where do they like to go? Go to those places and get to know different people. Get out there and meet new people and new environments. It's good stuff and three self-check and you got to ask, are you the problem? Realize that you may be the person in need of the most change light calls to likes, so you tend to attract certain types of people more than others. This doesn't mean you're a bad person, but it does mean that there may be some work necessary on your part before others will want to hang out with you.

(17:01): Remember, you're beginning to be selective about who you hang around so you can expect others to be just as selective. Be the energy that you want to attract. Work on yourself. Be that positive influence. Once again, I threw a lot at you. Maybe you have to go back and listen and again, but I want to make sure that I got the importance of who we hang around matters. So one, do a friend inventory. Identify your inner circle. Think about who puts the wind in our sails to delete toxic people and environments from your proximity. And three, do a self check. Are you the problem? Are you the person they run from in the grocery or the one that drains others? What can you do to work on being that positive light in someone's life? If you're needing positive people to surround yourself with, I got to tell you about the fit and fierce community.

(17:48): It's the environment, an inner circle that you definitely want to be a part of. If you have zero extra time to go to the gym, you don't have time or energy to meal-plan and hate dieting. You don't want to count calories or restrict what you eat or not sure where to start or if you want to just kick it up a notch with the support and accountability from women who get what it's like to juggle a crazy busy life. Then head to be fit and fierce.com so you can be on this unstoppable journey with us. Heads up on the next episode we are going to share how you can get everything you want out of life and it is actually a pretty simple concept we tend to overlook. Thanks so much for joining me today. Please subscribe, share this episode link on your social media as we all know, someone that could benefit and I would love it if you would give some feedback and a review as well. Talk with you next time, be fit, be fierce, be unstoppable. See ya.

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