Hi there. I'm Jill Allen and this is find your fierce, the show designed for women to discover your fierce, unlock and unstoppable mindset. Build unbreakable courage and completely transform how you show up every single day. Each week I will bring ideas, methods and strategies that will inspire you to step into your greatness and live life on purpose. Let's be fit, fierce and unstoppable.
00:33 Hey there, how are you doing? This is episode six of find your fierce. So glad that you're here today and I love today's topic and what we are going to cover. Certainly one that I can relate to, and I know others are wrestling with this as well. Perfectionism, we all know someone who needs everything to be just right, someone who spends way too long on even simple tasks, having to have the perfect career house, family, body, the perfect image often driving themselves and others crazy in the process. I don't know. So whether it's with work, keeping up with the house duties or in relationships. Many of us have an area of our life where we're total perfectionists. And while the thing we're focused on gets better because of our high standards, oftentimes other things suffer. And sometimes that thing that suffers is us. And when perfectionism shows up, it often brings its buddies with them.
01:41 It's close friends such as depression, anxiety and anger. The question of our self worth, those things come along with perfectionism. And I've wrestled with this, I'm, I'm sure it's not a shock for those that know me. I have high standards, I have high expectations. I love to push myself outside my comfort zone, to challenge myself, to raise the bar to Uplevel. I love to create and I love to have things a certain way. And maybe that is you too. So you’re probably asking yourself, and I know I had done the same thing prior, I've done often is what's so wrong with trying to improve? I mean here we are finding our fierce right and working on ourselves daily. So what's wrong with trying to get better? Well when it becomes a problem and it hinders the day to day, and when you're so focused on doing things right, that a lot of other things start to go wrong.
02:42 And so when that is the case, it may be time to make an intentional change because in the end, perfection isn't about having high standards. It's about control. And I can say this as I'm speaking from experience, nobody wants to be called a control, but try to have an impossible, crazy level of control over a world that is pretty much uncontrollable. You see what I'm saying? You get what I'm saying? So let me tell you about control. I love having the perfect house. I like a clean home. I feel better, I work better. I can relax more in a clean and tidy home. And so that seems crazy having five kids, right? So you can see the dilemma that I'm going to have. I have that, the struggle of wanting that clean home. But the reality is we have five kids, but the counters, the kitchen counters, they need to be spotless.
03:35 Okay? The sink needs to be rinsed out at all times. And my pillows on the couch and the bed need to be just right now that may, here I am letting you in on the insides of our home. You're probably, you know, thinking I'm crazy, but it's a routine every morning to get ready for my day. You know, I work from home, so I like that perfect environment so much. So my husband Rob on purpose, he will leave crumbs on the counter or walk by the bed and he'll disrupt the placement of that perfectly placed pillow just to see if I move it back. And so that went on for years before I realized it was him. Okay. That he was playing a joke on me. But the day that I left it crooked. Okay. I left it there. I left it crooked on purpose because I was becoming self aware of the perfectionism and the things that I was trying to control.
04:31 And it was that pillow. Okay. And the pillow guys, it was good enough. It was okay to be on the bed that certain way. And so at the end of the day he told me he was proud of me for letting that go all day. Okay, so let me tell you, I might be a bit crazy and I'm sure you're thinking that, but people notice how crazy you are if you're a perfectionist. Okay? So what can we say? I mean, we like things a certain way. We chalk it up to being a high achiever. We like to raise the bar. We have high standards and think that everyone else is lazy, am I right? But let's identify the differences between perfectionists and high achievers and what perfectionism is and is not. And I work with lots of highly driven women and I've picked up on these telltale signs even in myself.
05:24 But perfectionism differs from high achievement or excellence in one important way. And that's where our focus lies. If we are striving for excellence, we can actually be happy about our achievements and the mistakes we make. Because after all, we are human. But there's no shame in the mistakes or the imperfection. It's just an opportunity for us to learn and to grow from them. With perfectionism. It's not so much that way with perfectionism. We actually attempt to avoid all rejection, all criticism, all failure, and all the shame. And when things are not so perfect, what happens? How do you respond? How do you show up? So being a high achiever and striving for excellence, I gotta say is far better for our health and our happiness. Because perfectionism and I, and if you guys can recall a time where that has taken over, it can Rob you of your peace of mind, your enjoyment of life, your self esteem.
06:28 Think of the stress levels that come along with it. I remember those days and it was not good and it wasn't good for anyone. So perfectionism is different in that the focus is less forgiving. Have you ever beat yourself up for anything that appears to be lacking? And I say appears because our outlook is oftentimes skewed. Do you beat yourself up over an untidy house, the laundry not getting done, a dinner that you've prepared that maybe went wrong, a project at work as a mom, a wife, a friend? Do you beat yourself up over your weight the way you look? I mean, it shows up in all areas of our life. It rears its ugly head, and when it does, it robs us of the satisfaction and the joy, the pride that comes from all of the things that we do. Rock out like a rock star each day.
07:23 Those things get overlooked and ignored. You know, one of the biggest problems that perfectionist face is the fear that if they stopped shooting for perfection or having everything perfect, that they will become, yeah, I don't know. Low achievers that they're worth decreases. Their identity is flawed. The shame and the guilt set in and that their goals will go by the wayside, but that's a wrong way of thinking and a belief. Let this reassure you. Letting go of perfectionist attitudes can actually help you to Excel and thrive even more. And I can say that because I've lived it, I'm living it now. I am of course always a work in progress, aren't we all? But when I started showing up as the imperfect Jill, the real Jill, and actually being okay with it, things started shifting in my life, shifting for the better. Things were not so life and death anymore.
08:21 Everything that I was stressing about such as timelines that I actually created for myself, things that are self-induced, the gotta have it altogether. Imagine the things I was controlling or trying to control or trying to make or be perfect with this huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and life was better when I was able to make that shift, so how to overcome it or how to begin working on ditching the perfectionist attitude. Again, that's something that I continue to work on daily as I have been at it for 30 plus years. Years of experience when it comes to being a perfectionist, but first I had to stop and ask myself, what is it costing me? What is it costing you? How was this harming you, your family, your relationships, your excellence, your achievements? Is it holding you back? I think back to all the times I wasted the moments of procrastination, the moments of feeling stuck, not being able to move forward until it was perfect.
09:28 The perfect time guys, my philosophy now is the perfect time is always now I think of all the stressful moments yelling at the kids to get out the door because we had to be in church in 10 minutes. That doesn't even make sense to me. You know, looking back or how irritated my husband and kids got with me. I remember Harrison asking, he's our second boy. You know, why does everything have to be so perfect with you? I was projecting that on my kids and it goes back to the control. So re-evaluating my standards, relaxing them. Now I didn't go too crazy. I'm not lowering my standards. Okay? And I don't want you to lower your standards but relaxing them a bit. Realizing the shame, the guilt or you know, your worst fears are likely not going to happen. Like I thought or like you think, okay, so we are the family that is often times late.
10:24 It happens. That's life. It happens when you try and get seven people out the door and it's okay. We're still all here. So you know, I just want to encourage you to take a deep breath and ask yourself if the perfection is worth what it is costing you. It was costing me my sanity, the relationships, my peace of mind. Okay? And I can tell you it's not worth it. Second surrender. I had to surrender. I had to just let go. When we surrender to the moment or you know, to the change that's happened in our life, you know, to the messiness or the imperfection, we fully allow these seeds of like true excellence to grow. We allow the beauty of life, the true beauty of life to kick in. We allow our unique gifts, the talents in our amazing personalities, the quirks that we have to actually shine and to benefit and serve others in a way that we couldn't even possibly imagine.
11:21 And we can make an even greater impact. I gave myself permission to love who I truly am and I gotta be honest with you. That came from working on my faith and stopping the need to control the outcome of things and started showing up as the perfectly imperfect person I am and began truly loving myself. You know, the same goes for you knowing that being a work in progress, it's a good thing. Okay. Three laugh and forgive, I guess you can say that's actually really three and four. Okay. Laugh and forgive a perfectionistic outlook. It's not much fun. One, it's boring and too we often tend to live in the future. Okay. When we're constantly striving and the present, it's like this high stakes situation where every mistake or every flaw is looming. It's right there. Think about this. Some people, well not even leave the house without makeup and in their hair done because they're too worried about their flaws.
12:26 The shame, the guilt set in, right? It drives that perfection like we're under this threat of failure or the shame, the guilt. So how can we make this journey more fun? Well, we can start by laughing. We always joke in the family, where's fun? Jail because the Jill, that was always serious, the Jill that took everything so seriously. It was just not good. It was not a good vibe. The energy that we send out wasn't something that we wanted to have in our home, but start by laughing about anything. Do a often, have a sense of humor about ourselves and our actions, especially embarrassing or disappointing experiences, doesn't have to be a shield or a form of protection. Humor can actually heal us and will get us through those tough and stressful times. I remember sending out an email to my list of over 5,000 people promoting, actually, it was promoting the launch of this podcast and I spelled peek wrong.
13:27 Okay? I was letting everyone know about the sneak peek and I spelled it pee a K versus P E K and not only did I spell it wrong, I spelled it wrong in the title, in the subject line. It was the first thing that all these people were going to see, but here's the thing. There was nothing I could do about it. It was sent and all I could do was laugh. Okay. Which actually leads me to forgiveness, forgiving ourself mostly. It's actually one of the best selfish acts ever. Forgiveness releases us from the fear of the self doubt, the insecurities and the emotions that we have going on. Just forgive. It's freeing. I laughed and I forgave myself like, Hey, I messed up. I spelled it wrong, I owned it and it's good and I can learn from it. Obviously I need to, I need to work on spellcheck a little bit more, but after 30 years of perfecting perfectionism, you know, I finally learned to let go of controlling every single detail of my life and it's hard.
14:28 It's challenging. It's actually scary sometimes and there are days when I just want to organize and reorganize my desk or the silverware drawer or clean the fridge out or declutter my closet instead of actually facing what's really bothering me. Think about this, if you can just dig down deep and ask if it's worth all that it's costing you, simply exhale and to whatever it is that's in your heart and in your mind. Laugh and find the focus on the joy in your life and ultimately forgive. Give grace to others, give grace to yourself. That's all I have when it comes to this perfectionism. I just wanted to touch the surface with you. Bring this awareness when it comes to all of this and know that we can work on this daily. If you're looking to be with a bunch of perfectly imperfect, amazing women you know and you have zero extra time to go to the gym, you don't have the time or energy to meal plan and hate dieting.
15:26 You don't want to count calories or restrict what you eat or not sure where to start or if you just want to kick it up a notch with the support and accountability from women who get what it's like to juggle crazy busy life than head to be fit and fierce.com so you can be on this unstoppable journey with us. Head over to be fit and fierce.com heads up on the next episode we are going to talk about how to get out of survival mode and thrive. It can be a game changer for sure, so come back next week. Thanks so much for joining me today. Please subscribe, share this episode, link on your social media as we all know someone that can benefit, and I would love it if you would give some feedback rate and review as well. How could the next time be fit? Be fierce, be unstoppable. See ya.