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Show highlights include:

  • Why finding a “Man Coach” today makes your relationship with your significant other feel like you’re on cloud nine (2:54)
  • Why saying “Happy wife, happy life” takes away from your masculinity as a husband, a father, and a man (and what you can learn from it to turn your relationship around) (3:31)
  • The Bible talks about spouses sacrificing for the good of the relationship (just like Christ loves the church), so you show your spouse in the context of spirituality how to follow God (5:41)
  • Why men have become petrified of making decisions (and how to you eliminate fear to start making trustworthy decisions today) (9:53)
  • How Today's society's mixed messages of “Man Up” and “Toxic Masculinity” ostracizes men (and how what you have to do to reverse that) (11:26)
  • How a man identifies as a man actually roots them in today's society and culture (even though the corporate work space says otherwise) (15:23)

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Read Full Transcript

Do you hate the thought of working past 55 or 60? Do you hate not being able to live the life you deserve today? Do you hate not knowing what your financial future looks like? It's time to stop doing what you hate, here's your host, Mr. Harold Green.

(00:20): Oh, hello. Hi everybody. This is Harold Green. It is time to seriously stop doing what you hate. I hope you are having a fantastic day. I know I am, and I am super duper excited to be bringing you guys today's show because I have a special guest and this special guest, his name is Maddie fuller, and I'm just going to call Matt a, the man coach and the title of our show today is going to be gender and money and why mine set mattered. So, Maddie, I'm going to give you a warm round of applause and welcome to the show. How are you doing today? I'm doing awesome, Harold. Thank you so much. I really appreciate you having me on the show. Glad you're here. So, so Maddie had posted something on Facebook. We're friends on Facebook and, and it was a, it was a post about men and Maddie is the man coach.

(01:21): He's a pastor chaplain and you know, there's coaches for everything. There's coaches for business and there's coaches for sports there's coaches for, you know, different types of development, but, but not as specialized in one particular type of development or coaching. And that's for men specifically. And, you know, I find this interesting because there's a lot of things going on with men in our country today. And things are being just really all bundled up and con confused and there's issues with gender roles and gender identity and all of this stuff. And we're going to get into how that actually affects money, how it ties into, you know, the money mindset, you know, how men think about money, how women think about money and then how we can give you some practical some ideas in order to avoid a lot of these issues and a lot of these pitfalls that that men face.

(02:15): And so we're going to come at it from a little bit of a Christian standpoint, and it's not going to be too preachy at you guys. It's not going to be too religious at you guys. And also this is not to like say ladies, you know, take a back seat, but it's not to say anything like that at all. So we're going to, because I can guarantee you guys from personal experience when, when men are operating on all cylinders and they're doing the things that they're supposed to do, I guarantee you, mama is going to be extremely happy and she's going to be fulfilled. And then she's going to have a satisfying life. But when us as men, when we're broken down and when we're busted up and we're not thinking, right, we make some pretty bad decisions. And so Matt, I want you to talk to me a little bit, why you decided to go into man coaching, if we can use that term and the growth that you've seen not only in your own life, but also in the lives of the people and the guys that you coach and talk.

(03:11): This is it's. I know it's so funny, the idea of a man coach, because you picture like somebody that has to be the perfect masculine guy who is, I don't know, super tough and knows how to do all these different things. And maybe I'm not necessarily that, but, but more important, like a big part of my journey was when I got married, you know, figuring out how to relate to my wife when we first started having children and the first two children that we had were boys figuring out how to bring them up properly. And I have seen, you know, in my own life times when, when I was confused about what it was or what my role was as a husband and as a father or as a man in society, because one of the things that I said in that post was, you know, there's a real sort of cutesy saying that goes around and it's happy wife, happy life. But that, that really gives you the idea that you should be doing it, whatever it is that your wife wants. And at that point, you're not being a leader. You're not being a man. You're not being the man in a relationship. And ultimately I think that leaves everybody a little bit disillusioned and disheartened in the relationship. Does that make sense?

(04:29): And it makes a lot of sense because there's a natural order in the world. And I mean, we live in a world of rules and we live in a world of not only physical rules, but also spiritual rules. And I equate that, you know, to someone saying something like, I don't believe in stop signs. I know they exist, but I don't believe in stop signs. And so when I see a stop sign, I'm not going to stop. I'm just going to blow right through it. And a lot of times in life, we have the stop signs. And then we have these warning signals that if we don't yield or we don't understand what we're dealing with, we're going to blow right through that thing. And we're going to cause some serious, serious danger. And this whole, this whole ideology about happy wife, happy life. I've heard guys come in.

(05:11): And I I've seen guys, and I've seen a situation recently where, you know, it was somebody who had that ideology, happy wife, happy life, but everything this person did to please their wife, it was never enough. And it just, I can see how it's destroying things in their life because the wife has never happy, no matter what he does, no matter how much money he makes, she is never happy. And it is an internal thing with her. And so let's talk about this agenda role thing. And let's talk about this leadership thing. I want to bring it back to the leadership thing. You know, the Bible talks about husband and wife submitting themselves one to another. And Matt, I, you to share a little bit about what that actually means from your perspective, when we talk about submitting ourselves one to another, how do you and your wife, how do you guys work out this? What do I want to say? This is not a concept, an ideology or, or a methodology or, or, or something that's just really good for your relationship.

(06:21): Sure. And anybody who has ever been in a church and anybody who has ever had to talk about, you know, this passage knows that this is a really touchy area. The reason is because a lot of churches, or maybe, maybe a lot of men take this in the wrong direction. It does. It says, you know, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ, for wives. This means to submit to your husbands as the Lord, and then people stop there. But for me, that's far from the entire thing, because if you go down a couple more verses, it says, for husbands, this means love your wives just as Christ loved the church. And that's where the real context for me, that's where the real context of this idea comes into place. Because as a leader, the leader is not somebody who gets to boss. Other people around a leader is not somebody it's not a master slave relationship.

(07:15): You know, a leader is somebody who's setting the tone. Who's living out an example, you know? So you're, you're showing your wife in the context of spirituality, maybe what it means to follow God. So if we go there, right, that's what that means. But, but truthfully, to, to love each other, as Christ loved the church is to sacrifice yourself for the other person. So it's really, it's mutual submission. It's not a, it's not a one-person is the boss of the other. So that's what it means to me. And that's a very important distinction to make when we talk about this,

(07:50): Right? So I used to tell my wife all the time, you know, when we were making decisions about a lot of different things, especially about money, I would, I would tell her, I would say, honey, you know, I'm ultimately responsible for what happens in this relationship. I said, God is holding me as the order. I didn't set this up. Okay. This is, this is not my rule. This is his thing. This is how he wants it to operate. And he's going to hold me responsible for everything that happens. And so when we make decisions, I don't necessarily want you deferring to me. But at the same time I take decision-making in this contact. Very, very, very, very important. And it takes me a while to make a decision because I put a lot of thought into it. I put a lot of prayer into it and I said, so if it goes back, guess what?

(08:41): It's going to be on me. I said, but if we don't do this, it's, it's going to be on me. And then you're not going to be happy either way. So when we talk about submitting ourselves one to the other, here's what I've learned. My wife has a mission when she was raising our kids. And when I was working outside, we, we both had a mission. And the word submit means to submission means to fall under the mission of, and so my wife had a mission with the kids. And so my thing was funny. What do you need? What do you need me to do? So you know, I'm not in charge here. This is your area. So you mean, you pick up the case, you want me to drop the kids off. You want me to take them to the doctor? You want me to do this?

(09:18): You, what do you need me to do? And so I would submit to her in that area. And I, likewise, when it came to me running my business, and this was my area, when it came to finance, she technically would have to fall under my admission because that's the only way we're going to be successful at this. And when we're fighting and we have a lot of infighting going on, it's just not going to happen. And so bear with me a little bit more mad about what you've seen when it comes to husband and wife, you know, making decisions in their finances. And do you see this thing where someone's always trying to get the upper hand on the other person? You know,

(09:54): I don't think in a healthy relationship, that's the goal. I think that that what happens more often than not is either one person is deferring their responsibility for making a decision, whether it's, you know, business-wise or financial wise. And a lot of times you see, this is, this is where the, the man is. The leader thing comes in. Men have, have become scared to make those decisions, or they want to check with their wife on every little detail and while women I think, and let me just blanket qualify that I hesitate to speak for women, obviously, because I'm not a woman. I think that, that in a lot of cases, while, while most wives want to be consulted, they don't want their husband to be so fearful that he thinks that he has to, you know, run every single small thing by them. Because in many cases, they're, they're trusting him to do these things and they want to know that he's capable and that he's leading. And if he's scared to take a step without her approval or input, I think that's when women start to become dissatisfied in those relationships. And they may not even realize that's the reason why, but I think that's something that, that comes up. So it's not necessarily somebody always trying to get the other hand, but it's unconfident men, not being able to make a decision on their own.

(11:23): So tell me, you know, man, coach Matt, like why are men becoming less and less confident in their ability to, to make decisions? And, you know, and then their ability to like lead their families the way that, that they should be led.

(11:39): This is my, my sort of rant on that. This is a big issue and, and it comes down to the fact that men are getting mixed messages from everywhere that they turn, you know, on one, they're being told to man up, you know, you need to take care of that stuff. You need to go out and earn the money. Now maybe when you are in the money, you need to turn it all over to your family. But on the other hand, men are also told, you know, to repress anything that is stereotypically masculine, maybe it's competitiveness, maybe it's some kind of aggression. And I don't mean aggression in a harmful way, but I think, I think you can be aggressive in, in productive ways as well. So, you know, we're told to man up, we're told to do this, but at the same time, we're told don't be too aggressive.

(12:25): Don't be too competitive. Don't be too much of a man. And then, you know, somebody invented the phrase, toxic masculinity, which, you know, a complete lie. There's no such thing as toxic masculinity. So we get these mixed messages. So then the men are out there in the world trying to figure out what they're doing. And then it comes into the household. Cause if you have boys and you say, send them to school, they're, they're basically treated like girls, you know, all the aggression, the testosterone and stuff like that, that they're developing, trying to figure out how it fits into their lives and how it gets into the world is being repressed. So you're, the father is having the same thing happened to him out in the world that the sons are having the same they're having happened to them in school or wherever it is that they are. So nobody knows if they, if they haven't gotten instruction or some kind of help, nobody knows what it is to live out your life as a man.

(13:25): Wow. So our young men are being taught the wrong thing. I believe they're being ostracized. They're being, they're being criticized and criticize, and that can affect a young person's psyche tremendously.

(13:42): Well, and I, I tend to, you know, at the risk of offending teachers now I'll just, I'll just see how many different groups of people I can defend with this conversation today much has been made of the fact that the traditional educational model really is designed around the needs of girls more than it is boys. That is absolutely true sitting at a desk and being lectured to, and, you know, you know, having to stay quiet and not being able to do physical things is not conducive to most boys learning,

(14:12): Right? It's not. And, and we can back this up by looking at the number of ladies who go to college versus the number of guys who go to college, right? There are more women college graduates in this world than there are men. And it's across all spectrums, whether it's Asian, white, black, there's more black women now with a college degree than ever before. And so our education system is geared that way. It is slanted that way. And some parents have opted and said, you know what, I'm going to put my kids in private school because they're going to be taught the things that we feel that they should be taught, you know? And, and, and it's Baroque real school, or, you know, they separate the sexist girls, girls, schools, boys schools, and not to get off the, but a lot of the schools are all trying to integrate the sexist. And I think that was just for monetary reasons because, you know, private schools are hurting for money and it was happening before the coronavirus and things of that nature. So again, so in this situation, we're not talking about women or whoever trying to get the upper hand on the other person. We're simply talking about men, relegating their responsibilities out of a certain kind of fear.

(15:18): Yeah, exactly. A fear and uncertainty sure. Certainty. So, so are we losing faith as men to do what we need to do and to, to, to live the way we were, you know, born to, to live?

(15:31): I think so because when, when the, the main areas of our life, you know, where we spend the most time, which is, is usually work for most people. And especially if you work at a corporation or, you know, a large organization, when those organizations are telling you that, you know, some of the more masculine aspects of your personality are wrong, it's easy to lose your sense of identity. And if I could go off on that for just a second to identity, to me is the key to this entire picture for men. So we root our identity in the things that, that the world and that our culture tells us are important. Whether that's making a lot of money or having a big house or being super fit and looking great, you know, having the right clothes, having the perfect looking family, all of those things.

(16:22): If, if those don't work out, maybe people dive into their hobbies, they play sports, they play golf, something like that. But in every one of those situations, in every other situation that you can name, people are looking for an identity. They're looking for something to hold onto and something that they can say that they are. And the reason that I started doing the things that I'm doing is because I want to encourage men and women too. But I, I feel like this all has to start with men. I want to encourage them to understand exactly what their identity is and what their identity is in Christ. And I don't, you know, maybe we won't go into that too much in detail here. This might not be the right venue, but that's the most important thing to me is we're all seeking an identity. And if we look for it in the wrong place, that's going to undercut every part of our life,

(17:12): Right. For me, you know, and all my listeners know. And I'm sharing with you. I, I wanted to have this conversation because I feel that things are only going to get worse in our society. And we need to find a cornerstone. We need to find a foundation as men to stand on so that we can do one important thing and that's to protect our families. And so if you're a man out there and you're listening, you know, or you're a lady out there and you're listening, the key to having a strong, you know, being strong man is to PR to protect your family and, and to, to guard and to wash over your family. But if we're a week and we're relegating our decisions, then things ultimately are not going to go well, because here's the thing we are equipped differently from day one.

(18:09): When women, when you come out of the womb, you are equipped differently than a man and a guy. When you come out, you are equipped differently than a woman. It's this is the science. I hear a lot of stuff about following the science. And it's amazing to me how people only follow science, or they try to twist science to fit their ideology, which is again, it's like the gravity thing. I don't care what law has made or, or what the prevailing society thinks about something. It's like gravity, you jump off of a building. Gravity does not, it does not discriminate. You are going to hit the ground really hard. And what we're talking about here is the same thing. You know, you violate these principles, something that's going to happen. And I want to do a show in the future. And, and Matt, I may bring it back on, but it's going to be money and divorce. How a large percentage of people get divorced over this whole thing about finances, right? Because one person may make more than the other. And it's just so many different things, you know, that that can derail a family. So Matt and our final thoughts, if you can just kind of share with me one or two things that, that men can do to like, you know, give themselves a checkup from the neck up.

(19:30): You know what, I think that one of the first things in this anecdotally speaking, this comes from my own experience and mistakes that I've made. I know this to be true. One of the most important conversations you can have is with your wife or with your spouse about money. Because what I learned was that my wife and I have extraordinarily different views about what money is wow. Briefly, you know, for her money is security and, and you save it and you keep it. And for me, money is an opportunity. It's an opportunity to do something I'm a little bit more of a risk taker, you know, business owner type of person. And she is more of a, you know, you get it, you put it in a bank, you save it. And that has, that has caused tremendous stress at times. For me not understanding that, I mean, we have abs I, you know, and I, I take the blame for that because in my, you know, I fully believe that it's my responsibility to provide, but if she doesn't feel that I'm doing that in a way that gives her the security that she needs, that causes problems.

(20:36): So that's probably the biggest thing, communicate, talk to your spouse because there's a very good chance that she thinks about it differently than you do. And you need to know that and understand it.

(20:48): Right. And I totally agree. My wife and I have been having conversations about money, you know, for a long time, she's actually our CPA. She does our accounting at home and she does our accounting for the company. So, you know, I can't hide money. So there is no way for me to hide money and do things behind our back because, you know, she has access to all of the accounts and all of the credit card statements. And so when it comes to being an open book, I'm an open book with my spouse. And so, you know, we recently had a conversation about this and her thought processes, she's the same way. She, you make money, you save it, you put it in the bank and you store it like a squirrel stores nuts. Me, you know, we, we make money. It's like, Oh, let's reinvest it.

(21:33): Let's reinvest it, right? Because you've already invested. It can grow. But if you save it, there is no growth in savings per se. And that's where the security comes in for them. And this is for most women that I've seen, not all of them. They would rather have a million dollars sitting in the bank, safe, insecure than a million dollars invested with a hundred thousand dollars coming in every single year for the rest of their life. It's just how they are, are made in it. And we have to balance out this relationship between how women think about money, how men think about money, and then because as men, if we start deferring our opportunities, or we don't take advantage of opportunities because of our wife is afraid, then that, that right there is on us. Right. That right there is on us. And I did it.

(22:29): And I think, I, I can't remember, but I take advantage of the opportunities or something like that. So when, because I believe God will present you with an option. And for my wife, the hardest thing for her was to be in faith about, okay. And I believe that you are following God the way you're supposed to. And he provided you this opportunity. And if you take advantage of it, my life is going to be okay. And that's something that we did when I built my investment for him. It was a huge, huge risk. And I sat down on my sofa and I almost cried because things were not going well for me financially. And I said, you know what? I just got to build my own investment firm. It's going to cost me a lot of money, but it's something that I got to do.

(23:09): And I made this decision while my wife was away. She was on a trip and she was going to be gone for like three weeks. And usually I get my best inspiration when my wife has gone, sorry, honey. But I get my best inspiration when she's not there. Or I'm on a business trip or I'm somewhere way where I can think and not worry about if I run this by her, what is she going to say? You know, but if I'm making the right choice and I'll tell you, this is the secret. If we are truly making the right choice, I believe God speaks to our spouses and fill it in their heart, that he's making the right choice. If we are truly making the right decisions, I believe that God will speak to our wives and calm their hearts down and speak it to them in a way that they can understand it.

(23:59): Because if we try to go and explain the business plan, Matt, it kinda like falls all apart. Right. But if we let him speak to them, then I think that's a, it's an easier pill to swallow per se. They may not like it, but they understand it. And they, they move along with it and faith and that's, I believe that's part of the whole submission thing. And then when my wife has ideas, I tend to, you know, pray about her ideas and then submit to her ideas as well. And the fishies making the right choice. I feel that God will settle me down in my heart and will be able to be successful. You know? So any final thoughts on anything we talked about today?

(24:39): No, I think, I think that's what you just said is fantastic. And, and I guess one final thought that I would say is that if your wife is really, and again, we're talking to the men here, if your wife, if you're feeling like she's crazy, or she doesn't trust you, or she's doing things that are really frustrating, chances are good. That some part of that is a mirror back from what you're giving her. So just, just be aware of that and, you know, consider your own motivations, thoughts and actions too. Yep.

(25:09): And there it is the checkup from the neck up, but the man coach Maddie fuller, if people want to get in contact with you and maybe you start some man coaching or, and just like, you know, trying to sort things out on their own lives, is there a way for them to do that?

(25:23): Absolutely. So I've got a website and it's bringing men up.com. So the words bringing them up, you can also find me on Facebook. My name is Maddie. I'm a T T I E fuller. And yeah, those are probably the two best places right now to get ahold of me,

(25:39): Men. That is fantastic because I tell you, I've found that when men are strong and they're doing the things that they need to do, the family tends to follow a financial plan. Right. And it doesn't go awry. So we got Maddie there@bringingmenup.com and then you guys know if you want to get in contact with me and you can find me at (808) 521-4401, or you can go to my website, retired now, retire well dot and fill out the game changer form. And and I'll get in contact with you to help you stop doing the things that you hate. So if you're a man out there and you know, you got some things going on that you absolutely hate, I encourage you guys to get in contact with Maddie and he can help you guys figure out some of that stuff. All right. So until next time, everybody, thank you for letting me share with you today. And thanks again, Maddie for joining me, you know, it's been a blast and until next time everybody, one, two, three, let's get it.

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