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In this episode, you’ll learn…

  • Why you’re seeking your identity in the wrong places, and where to look instead (1:18)
  • This mistake is exactly what leads you to a mid-life crisis (2:24)
  • Why achieving the goals you set for yourself often leave you empty and depressed (6:42)
  • This is the most common, and most destructive area where men seek their identity (10:35)
  • The ONLY answer to the question, “Who am I?” (11:40)

Are you crushing it at work but struggling at home? If you want to learn how to win at home, then go to https://CoryMCarlson.com and download your free copy of “10 Ways To Win At Home.”

Read Full Transcript

Welcome to the win at home first podcast. I'm your host, Corey Carlson. This podcast is where we talk about how successful business leaders win, not only at work, but also at home. On this podcast, we will go behind the scenes with great leaders to hear stories of how they win. Thank you for listening and on to today's episode.

(00:25): Hello, My name is Corey Carlson and you are listening to the win at home first podcast. This is episode number three. Who are you as a man? So today what we want to talk about are those areas that we all can take our identity to, but yet it's not fulfilling where we can often take our identity, it's temporary. And as those things ebb and flow, we can also allow that to affect who we are as men, as well as for women. For those that are listening. So where do you go to take your identity? Is it the size of your bank account? And so when things are going great, you think you're the man, you've become, you've accomplished, you've achieved. But when it's down, dude, beat yourself up and that you are not worthy. You take your questions of who you are to your job title.

(01:14): If I just became vice president, if I just became president, if I just was running my own company, I would be a man. I would have arrived, I would have done the things I needed to do and I'd be successful. Do you take the questions of who you are as a man to another woman, whether it be your wife or to a woman outside the marriage? Are you taking your questions? Who you are? Another woman? Maybe it's to physical fitness. Maybe you are taking the. Find out the value of who you are through the amount of triathlons you've done and so that is where you find your value that you or an achiever you are getting something done. There's nothing wrong with any of these, right? Physical fitness is great. Climbing the corporate ladder is great. All those. If the mindset is about, it's part of the journey, it's part of staying in shape, part of increasing my leadership abilities, then that is healthy.

(02:10): That is good, but when it is part of a destination, when it's part of an identity that is not healthy, not sustainable. And that's what leads to the midlife crisis, right? That is what leads to us going in and buying a certain car or doing something to make us feel it was all worth it. And so we are going to today talk about three of the different areas we go to our identity. The first one, my identity is what I do. The second my identity is what I have. And the third one, which is where we want to start to shift their position towards is my identity is who I am. A beloved son. Well for the women listening to the beloved daughter of God. So let's dive into number one. My identity is what I do. I want to share a story with, I unpack this more in my book when at home first, but I had the opportunity a few years ago to go see Chad Williams speak, who is a Navy seal, and it was just an incredible conversation to see somewhat of that [inaudible] that status, to share his ups and down his own vulnerability.

(03:18): Chad also has his own book called seal of God, which you can check out, but Chad Williams shared in his life. He'd always taken his questions of who he was of his identity to really the temporary thing to the next option. So he had always struggled in school. So it was, well, I'm identities. I'm going to get through school in a way that I never, you know, had achieved anything. He didn't actually, it didn't work out for him. So that was it. A struggle and an issue for him. Next, they had a family friend, Scott hel. Visteon was his name that took him under his wing. And so kind of, Hey, follow me, train with me. You can become a Navy seal. You've got some unique athletic abilities, some unique termination that you could be a Navy seal. So come along with me for the ride.

(04:09): And so in fact, Chad did, he started a train. It started to become equipped Ford, the Navy seal. The days prior to him entering the Navy seal, Jeff unexpectedly saw this graphic video of Scott being brutally killed in Iraq. Since then, I a very shortly after that video has been removed, but Chad actually saw it. He saw. And so he saw his mentor, his coach, his guide brutally killed. And so Chad inscribed Scott's name into the inside of his hat. [inaudible] Always wore that hat [inaudible] that became his identity. Like I am going to become a Navy seal ordered to really fulfill my mission of not only Scott hell Vinston, but any of the brokenness in less than thoughts. I've had my own life. I'm going forward. So Chad Williams, he in fact ends up graduating. He graduates one of 13 Navy seals from a group of 173 people that tried out and he was successful.

(05:15): Not only did he graduate, which [inaudible] is an amazing accomplishment, but he also had different records that he said from his own physical ability and some of his determination, Oh, it's interesting when he God, his graduation pin, it wasn't enough. Almost as if he got to the finish line, looked around and said, what was the oldest four? What is this? He'd taken his identity to become a Navy seal. When he got that Navy seal, he still had a void in his heart. So for a lot of us, we can relate. Now, we can't relate to the Navy seal piece, but it's once I get to that corner, office, life is going to be better. Once I become the precedent of this company, of this division, life will be better, and so our identity can become wrapped up into what I do. I remember a quote years ago when Tom Brady every won the Superbowl, it says, yeah, is this it?

(06:14): To the point where he even had that feel, that void. And we know Tom story is one that has gone on to open up different businesses and he's really passionate about the concussion, the health of the athletes in the future. And so in spending time in those pieces knowing that the football itself would come to an end, some of us need it take that on as well. What we're doing may eventually come to an end or there's a merger and acquisition. Our role changes. And so if we're not careful, if we tie our identity to what I do can happen is we strive, we reach burnout. We are going hard after that thing that we think our identity is tied to. And so we're striving, we're burning out. There's w not sleeping well, not doing well at home because we're going after what we think will give us fulfillment.

(07:07): And so there could be a lot of shrapnel off to the side along the way as we are pursuing. What I do will give me that job satisfaction. And so for you, what is it that you do that you, if you're honest with yourself, you in fact are taking your questions to what you do. The next area is what I have my identity. Number two is my identity is what I have and so for some of you, what you have is in your wealth, whether we've seen something in the recession where stock market has completely went away to people's wealth, then Coronavirus, how it negatively impacted people's wealth. [inaudible] Always at some point going to be a recursion of a market and your money is completely affected. I know for myself, before the recession took place, I was wanting to basically pursue wealth as if that would define me as being successful.

(08:07): Now there were some days obviously I was doing to provide for my family. I had the right mindset, but I also know that the root of some of it, it was to prove myself, my identity being tied to being a successful real estate, you know, investor and having success there and there's nothing wrong with investing in real estate, especially if done with the right mindset. I know for me it was definitely a pursuit of greed and wanting more on some of those days. So what we ended up doing is we bought one property, this was before all this took place. Right before the recession. We bought one property and had it fixed and then flipped and we sold it. And what's amazing about it is we sold it for the $17,000 was a profit on that house and it was like a drug. I put together a package to go by basically five additional houses, some with partners, some by myself because I just, I want a more like this is working, let's go get more.

(09:05): Well I did it right before the recession. The idea was to buy them and then we would flip them as we did house number one. Well when the recession came, many of you listening experiences as well. But this old idea of we went to purchase them to sell them, but now all of a sudden there's a significant surplus of homes out in the market. So we couldn't sell it. So then we had a, of course correct and go to rent them. Well due to the excess amount of homes on the market, the, the rental value decrease. What w before the recession, what was market rate for rentals was now less than, and if some of the houses we were to rent at that less than market rate, others we add even go a notch lower and to do section eight because we couldn't rent it out at the market rate pricing.

(10:01): And so this just became a downward financial spiral. [inaudible] Well led to some different negative things from foreclosures, short sales. We can unpack all of that. In a future podcast, what that is, but I have been there, I have gone after the, the wealth because tied to my identity and it didn't work out because it can all be taken away. You know, Jesus talks about this in Matthew six where we have the store treasures in heaven where neither moth nor rust destroys. And so if we're not careful, if we are taking are identity and our worth of who we are to what we have, what happened when it's gone, what happens when it's cut in half due to a market re correction? Is that how you view yourself now? You're cut in half. You're less than so we have to be careful of taking our questions to both what I do as well as the what I have. You're unstoppable at work at home. It's another story. Sound like you good news. I'm here to help.

(11:12): Huh? If you're ready to win at home, then go to CoreyMcarlson.com and download your free copy of 10 ways to win at home.

(11:23): The third area we want to talk about is actually where we need to be taken our identity and that's who I am. I am a beloved son of God or beloved daughter for her, for the ladies that are listening, there's a fantastic story that I, I've been a part of or experience, I shouldn't say story, but a fantastic experience. I've been a part of lucky to be involved in a men's ministry called the new frontier ministry. Started by a friend and mentor of mine, Chris Hartenstein. And we will go to Montana to unpack really four key questions in our life. And one of them is who I, who am I, which is all about identity. And to help reinforce this [inaudible], we go on a hike and we get to the top, it's called bear Creek overlook. And we're in Montana. Oh, on this mountain top, looking out in the range.

(12:16): And you can see the Valley too over to the other side of the Valley where it's the Sapphire mountains. And here on this mountain ranger and the bitter root mountains and it's absolutely beautiful. The big Montana, big sky sun is out. There's clouds, there's a enormous blue sky. You can see the yellow tamaracks on the mountain side and pine trees and green and all the different colors. Absolutely beautiful. So as we get up there, Chris, we'll get all the men that are on this trip together. Just say, look around. What do you see? Give me some words to describe what you see. So you started to hear people say Epic. Oh beautiful, amazing, awesome. All these words to describe the beauty we're surrounded by and it's a, it's a, it's an incredible experience. And one I'd love for all you to get to experience at some point too and go out to Montana.

(13:16): But as you're doing that, there's just all these neat words coming. And then Chris says, you know, talking about from Genesis one and to where when God made all of the earth, made that exact area in Montana, what did he actually say? He said it is good. But when he made man and woman, he said, very good. So he then goes to talk about, we see this as awesome, we see all this man, you know, this Montana view is Epic. But yeah, God sees it as good and season us as very good. And for me, when I first heard that I was, I was blown away. It was an emotional experience to hear that. And I still can reflect on that first time. I've been part of it multiple times and just love it. Even had the opportunity to walk through with my kids on a beach.

(14:10): Did that same visual exercise with my kids one time when we went to Hilton head because of the expense. [inaudible] Is so neat too. Be reminded that we are very good in God's eyes, so we are beloved sons and beloved daughters and that we are not just tied to what we do or to what we have. So for me this was a game changer in my own life because my identity started to shift into being a beloved son a few years prior to his Montana experience. As I was going through more discipleship with an executive coach helping me as well, some mentors from the and my own life am I Denny was starting to shift from what I did to what I have and I got to see this firsthand. I work for a company. I was president of sales. We are operating in 30 States due to dynamics in the market.

(15:07): We went to try and go to market to sell the company. When that was unsuccessful, the private equity group that owned us wanted to start dialing back our coverage and really improve EBITDA earnings before interest tax depreciation amortization. Basically the bottom line, they want to improve the bottom line of the business. And in doing that they said we've got to scale back any low margin work, not going adverse scaling back. So as we were scaling back, we were terminating different sales folks on our team and eventually I knew it was coming towards main because if you have a smaller sales team, you don't need a president of sales. Because I knew my time was coming and when it happened, my old self would have been devastated getting terminated from my highest paying job ever. The best title I've ever had. Great responsibility being president of sales, having an executive position reporting into the private equity group, an incredible experience.

(16:04): But the old me would've been devastated and my identity would have been rocked if I had been terminated in that mindset. However, I'd already been embracing and living into the idea of a beloved son when I got terminated. Yeah, I mean it was for sure disappointment and had to make some adjustments, but it didn't rock my world. And so I see that in so many different people that when their identity is tied to the temporary things, if those temporary things are ripped apart, then who are they? And they have this downward spiral. And so my encouragement to you is to press into this third component of who is my identity is that beloved son, beloved daughter of God [inaudible] and it takes daily investments. If I'm not careful, I can fall back into some of those ways of thinking about work, thinking about the size of my coaching practice, thinking about how many people like something on social media.

(17:01): And so it does take daily investments of recalibrating, journaling, spending time in word reflection, prayer so that I can continue to get filled up to get reconnected with God. And so the two areas we often find ourselves as just a recap as we close this out, is my identity. This should not be tied to what I do because it changes people above us. Make choices too are employment. That can totally change it. If we have a good quarter or a bad quarter, it should not affect how we define who we are. Second is my identity is not what I have because that too can be taken away or justice out of our control. But the last one is the step into being

(17:50): A son of God. And so thank you. Next episode we are talking about are you wandering from day to day, have a great framework to help leaders understand their own personal vision so that they know the direction that they're going and without a personal vision we all can wander. Thank you very much for listening and until next time he went in at home. Thank you.

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