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If you’re like most of us, you’ve probably found yourself stuck in a situation where it seemed like everything you did was for someone else, yet you still felt bad. No matter how hard you tried to take care of your spouse and your kids, things still weren’t working.

In this episode, Ray and Christy take a deep dive into how to be selfish (the right way), how to avoid the devastating results of comparison and how to take care of yourself without neglecting the other parts of your life.

Show Highlights Include:

  • How to release the overwhelming feelings of guilt that go along with putting yourself first, and why it is essential for those who rely on you (4:45)
  • Why taking care of external needs leaves you feeling empty and how to make yourself feel whole again (12:53)
  • The 2 essential steps you must take when you start comparing yourself to others to reclaim your own identity (18:22)
  • How the “unsubscribe” approach can help you crush anxiety and focus only on the things that bring you peace of mind (21:00)
  • Why trying to be the “good mom” is actually making you a worse parent… and person (23:24)
  • The simple method for getting anything you want in life, without taking advantage of your partner (31:53)

Ready to co-create the perfect life with your partner? Head over to http://bothonboard.com/ to get your free special report on “7 Game-changers for Highly Effective Entrepreneurial Couples” and level up your life, business, and relationship.

Read Full Transcript

00:02 Realizing how much I was comparing myself to other people. Open my eyes to seeing, okay, what do I want things to look like? What do I like to look at? And unsubscribe, unfriend, unfollow. Like anything that triggers you to a point where you feel like crap, stop looking.

Hey, I'm Christy and I'm Ray. And our passion is to inspire entrepreneurial couples to cocreate the life and business of their dreams and enjoy the ride. Together, we built three successful businesses. We have a beautiful three year old daughter and we pride ourselves on living a life by design. And our goal is to help you do the same. Are you ready to take your relationship, your health, and your wealth to the next level? If so, let’s do this.

00:47 All right, so we're excited to be back on this episode. This episode is going to be more of a of Ray getting his thoughts out and Christie listening and just letting you know where we're at mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically and kind of what's showing up for us and how we've begun to release some of attachments, so much more X's and O's. And what we're growing through and things that have come up for us. So a few things just recently, me personally, I started live hard. It's a 30 day program.

After you do 75 hard, we spoke about the past and the past, what 75 hard. You had a cold shower, 10 minutes of visualization and three critical critical tasks and that again that gotta get done or that you want to get done to move the whole business forward that aren't things you're comfortable with. So that's, that's that. And one of the things that my lovely wife is taking on is she's doing a goddess circle. It's a women's retreat for self care and, and I think that inner self, inner self care maybe where'd you get the idea for that? And I know that there's a lot of need for that, especially among entrepreneurial wives. What compelled you to do this?

02:01 Just come from the heart. I know I'm going from the heart. I just, I didn't know what we were going to talk about and now you're asking interesting questions. So I think that long story long, I would say I have been after Valentina, my daughter was born who just turned four about a year and a half to two years into being a mom. I was not in a very good place. So I'd say that was about two years ago and I went into this just like self care mode, only taking care of me now. I mean obviously I was taking care of Valentina and Ray and the business as well. But like I, I started to get very selfish. And then I also had a lot of shame and guilt for becoming so selfish. I became selfish with my time. I became selfish with my energy and selfish in a way of filling my own cup first.

02:56 Not being a bad person, kind of selfish, but just really getting to know myself and I, and I, and I've heard the definition of, of, of self, I don't remember what the exact words were by Esther Hicks, but just coming back to myself. Right? And, and then that turned into making, you know, massage appointments and facials and, and getting my hair and my nails. And my feet are done and all these things. And that became, it was so like external and so superficial. I did that for a few months and it was just like, it just became another to do list. So then I just got really interested in redefining what self care meant and really taking care of yourself in whatever way it feels good and that can change and that can shift and that can mean different things to different people and it can mean different things to the same person in different days and different, you know, seasons in life. Right? So after becoming a mom, getting my health back on track and really focusing on my nutrition and focusing on my, on my yoga and, and, and, and having the me time and not feeling like I was at the Beck and call of, of this little human all the time. Right? And asking for help. Right? So I started to get really good and really clear on what self care was caring for myself in ways that felt good, not just in the external world, but more in the

04:21 Saws are doing, man, nails feel good. You know, one of the things outside looking in, I remember that season, it was the hardest part of our marriage. I remember that you got a lot better at letting go of the guilt you used to have. And I think a lot of moms and entrepreneurs, women like that, they, they're so taken care about else that when they, when it's time for them to take care of themselves, there's a lot of guilt and shame.

04:41 Well, that's where selfishness came in and, and, and it just has such a negative connotation being selfish. Right. And, and I've heard this funny thing the other day from, from, you know, Esther Hicks and Abraham Abraham was, was speaking and it was basically, Oh, you're so selfish. And then it was like, Oh, why? Because I'm taking care of my needs versus versus taking care of your needs. Like the net, you're the salt. Like when you tell someone that they're being selfish because they're not doing something for somebody else, then you're the one that's being selfish. Right? So it's, it's, it's getting clear on what that word means and obviously not coming from a negative place of like, I don't care about you. It's more from a, I'm going to take care of me so that then I can take care of you better

05:23 Put my mask on first. So then I can be my best version and then my me doing that. You get to choose what version of you you get to be, but I get to serve as an inspiration for you.

05:32 Exactly. And that obviously does not mean, and everybody can take a C extreme. That doesn't mean that I'm not going to feed my daughter or, or, or show up for my husband or, or, or, or do anything, you know, let go of my business and let it just,

05:46 But the truth is maybe, maybe, I don't think anyone gets that. I think, I think they were where you're at, babe. No one's going to let these things go. Like, Oh, I'm not going to let the finance goal or just throw all our money away and live the street. Like no one's going to let that go. I think what's really happening is the, the other stuff, the good stuff isn't being allowed because the other side was going to take care of herself cause you're already doing that.

06:07 Right. And I think it's, it's that it's reprioritizing so that one, it starts to feel better and then two you start to thrive so then everything else gets better. And that for me was something that was explained to me on several different levels and in several different ways by mentors, by coaches, by you know, personal development books. And I, and I heard it but I didn't understand it. Like it's not just about me, it's about me being the best me that I can be. So that everything around me gets even better. And I think as women, as moms, as the feminine energy, which is a whole nother conversation, like there is so much power in that in us that we don't even know what to do with it sometimes. And it just can get to a place where you're thriving so much that everything else benefits around you.

07:00 And if and then that is the most selfless thing that you can do at that point, but if you're like the saying goes, if you're feeling, if you're, if you're pouring from an empty cup, there's nothing to pour and that's where I was two years ago where I was and then that comes up with all the other stuff and then yes, did I have to deal with some guilt like mom guilt for taking, going on on on a three day retreat or feeling bad about not, you know, being 100% there in the business and taking time for myself after having a baby and pretty much like just uprooting our lives, right? Whatever. What we went through in our, in our business, in our marriage, in our, in our homes, right? All of the things that we, that we've talked about in previous episodes, but really getting to that place of saying, if I'm not 100% that no one else can be at 100% my husband isn't able to be at 100% my daughter isn't able to be at 100% my business is enabled to be at 100% if I am not at 100% first and getting past that like really, and I mean we still joke about it but we get in an airplane and ran.

08:07 I still joke about it like I'm pretty certain that I'll put Valentina's mask on first if something happens, but like really getting that concept and living it from that place of not feeling Gil and not feeling bad for saying, you know what? I need some time for myself. I need some alone time. I need a spa time. I need a friend's time. I need whatever it is I need help.

08:31 I remember how much you struggle than asking, babe, can you take Valentina? Like, and then she would miss her and then I take her at gladly because it allows me to serve on and, and also, you know, give Chrissy some time and then she would feel guilty or she would miss Valentina. I'm like, it's

08:47 Not there. Like right now, today it's what, four, four something and it's Tina Tuesday, which was Ray [inaudible] is a date that they go do something and I still feel kind of bad about things. Like it's not something that I think disappears. Like I feel like, Oh, I'm, I'm by myself, I should be with them. I should be spending time with her. I should be, you know, doing something with Ray. Like I don't think it ever goes away because it's just part of our nurturing ability to just want to give to everyone and theirs. And that was something that I was making wrong too. It made me feel bad for not being there and then, and then, you know, like it was like a vicious cycle. Like I felt bad if I was there. And then if I wasn't there, then I was feeling bad because I wasn't, yeah,

09:28 It was a lose lose. Like there was no way that you guys ladies set up the game so you can win that game that she was playing and sometimes still plays. There's no like just, but just awareness like I, I'm not able to win that game. And that wipes play a game that you're not able to win and that feels bad no matter what happens.

09:45 And then the other part to that that kept coming up was like self care, like the outside stuff. Like how does my skin, the CADA, you know, how, how, how much do I weigh or whatever, whatever those external factors are, not that they're not important because we are very big advocates on health and, and how we, you know, how you look definitely impacts how you feel, right? If you're Justin sweatpants and, and, and just not feeling good versus dressing up and feeling a little bit like that that does have, it plays a big part of it. But really it's for us and, and it's the actual theme of the, of the retreat that I'm putting on. It's living from the inside out. So coming from the inside and dealing with all that stuff internally is what's gonna make the outside start to feel better.

10:32 And so now when I go get a massage, it's a full on like, Oh, this is all about me. I feel so great. This is amazing. Versus before when I was getting a massage and I hadn't dealt with the internal stuff, I was laying on the massage table feeling guilty because I should be working or I should be with my daughter. And then, yeah, and then you don't enjoy it. And I think that that's, and even more of that is like it was, it became a to do, it was like, I have to go to this appointment, Oh, I have to figure out, you know, a time around the, the, the, the traffic because I got to go over here. Like that doesn't feel good either. Then it becomes a chore and there's nothing nicer or nothing feels good about having another chore. Another to do. We have plenty of to do to do's on our list already. So, it became more about that, like what is internally going on. So when I did start to feel shame or guilt or not enoughness, right? Start to look at that, start to journal about that, start to talk to, you know of a friend about that, like start to get those things taken care of as much as possible so that then the rest of the stuff falls more. Just

11:39 A simple embrace that part of you, Hey, I love you. The part of you that feels unworthy and feels unloved and feels like not enough and feels like, Hey, what am I doing in the middle of the day? Getting a massage. Love that part of you. Right? And, and the other thing too that comes a little as I'm listening to you is you're getting a massage but you're not there. So you might as well be somewhere else. So like this idea of the, the, this external thing is the nails, the hair, whatever you think that self care is. If it's done from a way where you're looking for the outside, some kind of effect or experience on the outside to take care of the inside, it's never going to happen

12:17 And it's the half twos, right? Like I have to do my nails so that I feel better. No, I can, I can go three months without doing my nails, but if I feel good on the inside, then that's going to be, then that's gonna make me feel better than, than having the pretty nails and not, you know, feeling like crap. Right. And not that those were the only two. Those are two extremes. Right. And everything in between, but like it's that internal process, that stuff that comes from the inside out that you feel heard, that you feel supported. Right. Asking for help was huge. We have two huge families and I felt like I was the one that had to take care of this child. Like no one else could take care of this child because it was my responsibility because I brought her into the world and that's like, that was it.

13:01 Versus Hey, people want to spend time with her. Come pick her up for a couple hours, come hang out here. It's a community that raises the child. We didn't and we didn't, you know, for two years or whatever, we barely took advantage of that. It was only like on a, on a must have to basis like we have to go on this trip or we have to work or we have to go to this closing mom can you help? And versus now it's like, Whoa, you guys want to spend time with her, take her to the zoo, take her to the park, pick her up and go for a walk. Like and, and how good that feels knowing you have that support. And that can look very different for different people. Locally we're super duper blessed because we have two huge families, but whatever that looks like, whether it's a friend, whether it's your spouse, whether it's it's your sister, whether it's, you know, whatever.

13:47 Let me ask you a silly question cause I'm not a female and I, I don't, I definitely haven't given birth to a child. What is the challenge with women out there, especially the entrepreneurial wonder married to an entrepreneur. What is the challenge with allowing themselves to receive?

14:00I mean it can, I would, what comes up for me for help, right? Cause one thing is you have to ask. But then the other thing is sometimes you ask but you don't really want to receive.

14:07 Well I mean that's a whole, my personal opinion can maybe be a little triggering for people, but I think that it depends on, on obviously on the person. I think it depends on your upbringing for example, or you know, it, I'd say there's a lot of different factors. My theory nowadays is that as entrepreneurial women that are high achieving, I mean I wouldn't call myself type a, but maybe I am a little bit, I dunno, I'm like an a minus maybe. And who also in my case have, have, have, have a daughter. Right. And it's almost like juggling both worlds. Like being in the masculine and in the feminine and you know, being in this world of, of business and be like this whole new territory that I feel like it's, it's a new place and still wanting to do the mama hood. So it's, I think the stereotype is like the woman that has the high pain powered job career thing and then doesn't have a family life or vice versa though the stay at home mom that you know, is home with their kids but then you know, doesn't go out with their friends or do anything like that to, to make it like there's so many different stereotypes now in the world and people are trying to figure out their place.

15:27 So it's this new place of being able to do what I, my goal is, which is to do both, to do all of it, to do anything and everything. That feels great for me. At a high level.

15:40 Yeah, the level you want. So did I answer the question? Yes. So what are, what are some of these ways where I think women struggle with this? And I know from being in different mastermind, high level entrepreneurs, the ones that are open and vulnerable come to me and, and, and their wives definitely have the, these challenges. What can someone in that position begin to be or do to start to allow themselves to, to, to really enjoy it and get, get out of it. Cause if, you know, if the ladies and the racists are not happy, I guarantee you that man is not happy. Because when she said the feminine power, all we want to do is really serve that true femininity and be a provider and a nourisher of that. And yet we can only do our part if it's not being allowed on the other side. It's, it's just, it's just gonna be a constant struggle. So maybe if you could go back a couple of years and talk to that mom, talk to that mompreneur talk to that, talk to that person who is in suffering,

16:40 What would you share with her? I mean, I don't know that there's an order of things, but I think the the few things that I started to put in place was one to start to be much kinder to myself. So that inner inner talk really start to get to know that we call the itty bitty shitty committee. What I was saying to myself, how I was speaking to myself, how I was treating myself was huge. She had crazy expectations like, well what does she think is the owner thing? So I think that the one is, is my, how I was speaking to myself was huge. And I think the other part was simplification for me essentially arising like really getting clear like that it's okay that I am not a hundred percent eco friendly mom that I use wipes versus you know, clothes or like whatever the Liquin rate when you set expectations, like that's what came up.

17:35 It was like that expectation of being a minimalist mom and, and, and having everything be organic and this and like there was a quote on that, like all these, all these high standards that we, that we set for ourselves, right. That when fall off track, like it's like, Oh, it's the end of the world. Like it's okay if I didn't use disposable, you know, I mean that I use disposable diapers when I really wanted to use the cloth diapers, but I just never got around to embracing that for example, for me. Right. So, so whatever that looks like and just being able to simplify to, to, to a place and, and taking the time, right. Taking the time to, to figure out like what is it that I really, really want, which is something that we talk about a lot in general in our business and our relationship in mama hood and just me and my existence period. Like simplifying and getting clear on like what are the really important things, like what are the things that really matter to me?

18:29 Well that, and I, I think, remember one of the things you did too is like you said, what level in these areas do I really want to be at and live at? Like, do I want to be a level 10 mom where I'm, where I'm always with her and I'm always parenting her and she is my number one priority. And, and, and at the expense of these other things that are also important to me. And you started to figure out, no, no, this is important to me. And then allowing it to change as Valentina got older, like allowing the to to say, Hey, that doesn't feel good anymore. Having her at the house all day doesn't feel good to me anymore. Like, and then not making yourself guilty for that. Talk about that transition and, and that just that just continue on that path, I think. I think you could help a lot of women with that. Sure.

19:13 Well, I think the other part that comes up too as you're saying that when you're asking these loaded questions is the, the comparing, right. So the comparing thing came up and that, I mean I, I looked back on my feed sometimes of like Instagram or whatever and a NAC or look at the quotes that I saved cause I love quotes and I see there was so much about comparison and com and comparing yourself to what somebody else is doing, what's somebody else's, how somebody else's being, you know, how many likes that person gets or what, what they're doing, like how they look, right? All these comparisons that we do that with especially, you know, one of the things that we talk about a lot is with social media, right? Every person is going to put, for the most part, their highlight reel. We till we call this like social media, Instagram, Facebook, whatever.

20:01 It's like the highlight reel of people's lives and that's what we see. And then meanwhile you're looking at the behind the scenes of your own life because you actually have a behind the scenes look and you're comparing that. You're comparing those two things and saying, Holy moly, I haven't washed my hair in six days and this person just gave birth. And it looks like a movie star. What the heck is wrong with me? Right? So that comparison that, that or, or, or that not comparing right. Has, and it's, it's not easy, right? It's, it's, it's a challenge to, to not compare yourself because there's so much information and there's so many things out there and there's, everybody has an opinion and everybody has a way of doing things that better than the other way. And for me that realizing how much I was comparing myself to other people really opened my eyes to saying, okay, well what do I want?

20:50 Like what do I want things to look like? What do I like to look at? And I saw a thing today, it's like unsubscribe, unfriend, unfollow. Like anything that triggers you to a point where you feel like crap. Like stop looking at it. And that's what I did. Like I started to clean up my, what was coming in, right? Like all this stuff that was coming into my life. Like what feels good? Who feels good? Right? Who do I actually want to talk to about these things? Who, who do I want to spend my time with? So it's like, it's like a process and it, and it's, it was very organic for me and I think that's why I didn't know we were going to talk about this today, but also it's like it is sharing it right now is, is, is a little bit of a challenge because for me it was a, it was a process.

21:35 It was an organic process of saying, okay, what's the next step? What's the next step of making me feel better? What's the next step in, in, in asking for help? What's the next step in, in taking care of myself better? What's the next, you know, and it was an evolution and it still is a process. It gets, there's still days, like last week when she was sick, it was like, okay, well that means like my whole life is over. Like I can't do anything. Like, no, I can still have my mom come over for a few hours. We still went to the, we had a a lunch meet, a breakfast meeting scheduled with an someone that we were going to invest with. We were still able to go and, and normally it would have been like, no, forget it. I have to stay home with her because she's sick.

22:12 Like she wasn't that sick. So obviously it helped, but like there was no guilt there for going. Maybe there was a little tiny bit of Google guilt that's still there. But that's where your work is. Yeah. That's where you want to bring awareness and love to, right. There was a little bit of like, Oh my God, if people knew that Valentino was home sick and I was here and you know, having breakfast with, with, with Ray and some guy at the, at, at, at the fountain, blue Lake, I'd be a terrible mom. Right. So there's still those things that come up. You know, I think it's part of the standard that we hold ourselves to whatever that looks like for each person. But for me like I want to do everything really well so and, and it comes up like something's got to give versus what do you really want?

22:58 Like do I really want to, to feel sad? And then how I was feeling like for a good, I'd say six months, maybe a year, especially after I stopped nursing her. Like, do I really want to be that mom that's depressed and lives for her kids and nothing else, right? Like I didn't want to be that mom. Like I, I was, I was not being the mom that I wanted to be by doing the, what I thought I needed to do, if that makes sense. Like I was showing up as the mom that I quote unquote thought I needed to be, but that wasn't feeling good. So really I wasn't being the mom that I wanted it to be. I was being the mom that I thought everybody else wanted me to be. So it was, it just, there's a bunch of different, I mean, we could, we could talk about this all day, but yeah, like that was huge for me was being able to differentiate that and saying, okay, well like what do I really want?

23:52 I'd rather spend and not that I had to choose, right? We don't have to choose. We, I personally believe we can find a way to do both. But do I want to spend too insanely or let's say for insanely quality hours with my daughter or 12 mediocre, crappy, chaotic hours with her? No, I'd rather her be in school for a few hours, learn, get smarter and smarter because everyday she comes home with something new and something amazing. And I just love talking to her and she's, you know, at this point she's four. So it's just been so amazing and exciting to see her progress. And then by this, from the time she gets home to the time she goes to bed at night and every morning Lake, I get to spend this amazing quality, present, super valuable time with her and enjoy the process and enjoy her. And those hours that she's in school, I get to take care of myself. I get to take care of my business, I get to take care of our relationship. I get to, you know, sit, stand here and talk to you guys. Like I get to.

24:53 That was huge. Maybe you weren't making an impact, you weren't contributing beyond this. Are you contributing to her? But God made you for more. And there's nothing wrong with just being a mom and I'm just, I'm using that word just on purpose. There is no adjustment. And yet if your soul is meant for more, it's gonna. It's gonna knock on your door.

25:11 Right. And I think that that's, that's kind of what also opened my eyes. So, just to give a little context, when I was quote unquote stay at home mom for about, I'd say, what, five or six months I did, I went to like a mommy and me yoga and I and I, there was this place back in the day, back in the day that doesn't exist anymore, but it was called the gathering place where I did, we did all of our, our, our classes, our laboring classes and all that stuff. And it was like this, this really beautiful community. It was called the gathering place and it was just such an amazing place. I'm so grateful, it's not there anymore. They have a birth center now in North Miami. But and, and I would, I would go there and we would just kind of, you know, we were, most of us were nursing and, and we would have conversations and we would do yoga, we would have play dates and we'd do all these things.

26:02 And it's, it's that when Ray said just right, it's not about just being a mom, right. That word just as is is like, I mean, you're a mom, like that's a big deal, right? That's huge. It's amazing. And it's a sensitive topic because like we always say, everyone has different standards and everyone has different wants and needs and priorities and goals, right? So it's, it's such a, like people want to talk about and that's what I'm doing my best not to do, I'm just speaking from my own personal, but we want to kind of generalize things and you can't generalize this. Like there's this new way of being where you can, you can do and be anything you want, especially if you live in, in the U S and if you have, you know, you have access to so much freedom and so much, you know, just, just so many opportunities.

26:49 And at least from my generation, my, my prior generation, it was like that. It was like, you got to go to work, you gotta figure it out, you gotta make ends meet, you're new in this country, you got to, you know, whatever. And now we're in this place where we have so many options. Like, we don't have to be a stay at home mom if that's not all we want to do. We can be an amazing mom and we can have an amazing business and we can have an amazing relationship and we can have amazing friendships and we can impact the world. Like there's so much of a spectrum that we can do. Whereas just a generation or two prior, it wasn't available. And I think that for what we were talking about too, with the masculine and feminine conversation, like we get to do it so much more now and it's so much more free in those, just the whole conversation, the whole atmosphere, everything is just shifting and evolving to a place where what do we really want?

27:39 We can really ask these questions and we can really get it. And there's so many amazing things, like we talked bad about social media often, but there's so many amazing examples of people on social media doing amazing things. Like I have certain bloggers that I follow that I'm just like obsessed with their lives because they're just brilliant and beautiful and amazing moms and they get their hair done. And they do their makeup every morning and they dress like amazing rock stars and they're my inspiration and they get to be amazing moms and they have an amazing business and they have amazing relationships. Like we get to have all of this and we get to inspire others to do the same and that's what we're doing with this whole both onboard thing that it's like we can have everything in anything that we want and that's what you want to get clear on.

28:26 What is it that you want? What kind of mom do you truly want to be? What kind of business do you really want to have? What kind of wife or husband do you really want to be? Not at anybody else's expectations, not because that's what your parents did, not because that's what your, your friends are doing. Like what do you really want and then do you want to make, what kind of legacy do you want to live? What kind of legacy do you want to leave? And then lead from there. Start from that point and that's what I did two years ago as I started to get really clear, like what do I really want and I didn't want to just be, and again, that word just comes up. I didn't want to be a stay at home mom only and that's it. And and realizing, Hey, I have the option.

29:05 I can stay home with my daughter. Great. I'm super blessed, amazing and I want to do something different. I want to go into the office, I want to continue running my business. And for a little while I thought I had to choose and you don't have to choose anymore. You can do all of it. You can do it all. And more importantly, there's different seasons. Right? When she was like four months old, I personally did not want her in a daycare because she didn't need to be in a daycare. She was able to be with me. She was able to be with my mom. She was able to stay with Ray so that I can go to yoga. She was like, there's so many ways around things and getting clear on what you want is the first step in being able to get what you actually want.

29:46 Which for me was that for a few months when she was younger, we had a whole area set up in the office for her where she would come in and, and, and, and sit there and play and everybody will come and hang out with her. And it was just, it was just amazing because it was like, I, I figured that, that this is what, like I was able to plan this in a way where it's like, it's my office and I can do whatever I want. I can have my baby if I want to be in the office. And we did that right. And then one that started to be a complete distraction. Then we were able to have my mom start taking care of her at the house and we moved to a house that was right next to our office so that we could, you know, so it's like, it's like it's that core thing and, and con I just keep talking.

30:25 Sorry, I'm on a rant, but it just, it just, that was the BA the base thing. Like what do I really want? What does Christy want? Getting clear on that. What does Christie want to feel like? What does Christie want to look like? What does Christie want to do? What would she want her days to look like and getting from that place. And then part two is then communicating that to the, to the support system. Communicating that to Ray, communicating that to my mom. Look mom, I don't want to put her in daycare yet. You're not happy in your job. Do you want to retire? Sure. I'd like, I'd love to retire. Okay. We can pay you to take care of Valentino. Oh, perfect. Like that was easy. Right? And then the next step, okay, rate. I want to start going to yoga. So I know that you need to get your things done and I know you're running the business and I know that, you know, so how can I support you and how can you support me in making this happen so that I can, I can go back to yoga. So I can go on this retreat so that I can do, take this course so that I can read this book so that I can take the time off that I need to then come back to the family a hundred times a hundred percent better. So that's, you know, basically my process,

31:33 I might to the whole family and baby, I think, you know, you needed that. But also I think the world is lacking a lot of this beautiful feminine energy and it's made it wrong. It's made like that, you know that you know you have to be in the masculine. You see a lot of women out there and like they're not embracing that. And like I just think there's so much power in that and that vulnerability and that asking for help. There's a universe that wants to help you and then maybe being able to receive help. Initially it was hard a couple of days ago there was a bunch of dishes in the sink and normally we'd do them and she said, no, I'll let my mom do them. And I said what? And normally she just like, and not from a bad place, just I choose not to do that right now.

32:14 Not what I'm saying. She's never going to not do it. And yet her giving herself this took a long time to get here. And then the fact that we could bless others because you know, whatever help we get for Valentino or for me or help around the house or we pay for things like we really freed them up. They were in a trap. They don't want to do all this. So it's the universe is cooperative, but you have to first get clear on what it is you're really, you really want. And I understand that there's some trade offs here and there, but you, you can't have it all at the levels that you want if it's what you really want.

32:48 And I guess it also goes back to being kind to yourself and to knowing that it's a process. Right? So Ray has asked all these questions and I've been just kind of thinking back, but it's been a two year process and it's, and it's still, it's going to be ongoing because it's going to be changing and it's, and it's always evolving and we're always growing and we're always shifting. Right? And so just like in our relationship, just like in our business, it's something that we know is going to change and things are going to shift and things are gonna grow, right? And there's going to be different seasons and being able to, to be okay with that. Like there's going to be times where we're going to be busier or where I'm going to travel more. And then there's going to be times where I'm gonna be like, look, this month for example, it's February.

33:31 Like I don't, I don't really want to travel. I don't really want to go anywhere. We did our traveling and in January we had to go for business. We had to go do certain things. And now this month I'm like, I'm good. Like, I don't, there's nothing I want to do right now besides be home, take care of, of, of, of our, our business, take care of our family and just chill a little bit. And then there's going to be times where things are going to get busy again, you know, and, and, and it's that flow that comes when you start to really go after what you want and create the space I think is the biggest thing is create the space and give yourself the permission and the opportunity to figure out what you really want and then go after it.

34:09 I think. How does someone give himself permission? Because in another episode we'll talk about this for the men's perspective because yesterday maybe when I went to go play volleyball, I said, you know, I felt guilty about going to a mansion to go play volleyball at four in the afternoon. And I said, that's why we worked for 15 years. So I could go out there and I have some great networking and I just had a great time and that was self care for me. So, even from the men's perspective, sometimes permission driven, like even though it's what you really want [inaudible] even from us at times, like have I deserved it too. I need to earn it. Am I being, am I not being a good steward of my time? Should I not be with my family? So how do you get to a place maybe where you're actually giving yourself permission and we'll cover this next week or week after from the men's perspective. But yet from the women's perspective, I see that even more. It's even worse. I think for the women,

35:06 Giving yourself permission, but from a, from a, from an empowering place I think is the difference that I see. Like sometimes we give ourselves permissions to, to, you know, kind of Slack and, and, and not show up and like never do the dishes for example or whatever. But then you feel guilty. Right? That's what I'm saying. Like you want to, you want to figure out that fine line between, I'm giving myself permission because it's self care, right? I'm caring for myself versus I'm copying out or I'm, I'm playing the victim role. Or you know, is a self care you're escaping, right? And then there's that, that space of, you know, like you get to figure that out. What that, what that is for you. Like for me, like I said, like getting the massage, just doing some, all I was doing was just pretending like I was caring for myself, but really I was just continuing to beat myself up.

35:54 So it's, it's, it's a very, from a very honest, raw place of what do I really need right now? What do I really want right now? And can I get the support from someone like, can, can I, if I, if I tell Ray right now, look, I need a two day escape. I'm going to go rent a hotel room somewhere because I just need to be by myself. Like he's going to say, you got it. Like for sure. But if I'm doing it from an escaping route, you know, like I'm, I want to go, like for example, write my book, right? That he knows that I'm going to go and it's going to be fruitful and I'm going to come back better. But if I'm going, like for example, people that go shopping and they go retail therapy, but it's like they're racking up all these bills and they're getting all this stuff and at the end it's not really fulfilling them and it's not making them feel any better maybe in the moment, but then they feel guilty about spending the money or whatever.

36:46 So it's, it's finding that that fine line, that balance, that, that, that happy medium of giving yourself the permission yet showing up for your life. Like I'm giving myself permission to care for myself because it's going to be at the benefit of my daughter at the benefit of my husband, at the benefit of myself and at the benefit of my business, which are my, my biggest thing. Am I giving myself self care? That's going to make everything better. Like selfish because it's actually for the betterment of everyone else. So fish oil, right? Yeah. So is this kind of like when you, one of the questions you had when we were considering moving, is this better for everyone? Even though initially it may seem like it's only better for you but it isn't, right. It serves, there's this idea of Tony Robbins once mentioned to me, is it good for you and does it serve the greater good?

37:39 Right. So the last thing that comes up too is just something that I did that I haven't really mentioned. But during that time I also, I was part of a mastermind group of about 25 amazing women, not just part of the mastermind. Maybe you sought out personal development and also got help. Right. That's what I'm saying. So I seek support not just in Ray but also, which I think was huge for me. Cause that's what actually the, the I, it was in December of 2017 when I became part of this mastermind group that during that first retreat, that initial retreat where I signed up for the group, I committed to six months of self care. And then that's where I started to learn that stuff. But it was, it was that support system. I also went to another retreat. I had two other retreats that in, in that, in that year, right?

38:28 2018 which is when I really got some momentum on, on this and seeking that support group, which for me has, was, it still is huge red. I still have a life coach, I still have a spiritual mentor. I still have my BodyTalk practitioner. Like I still seek support and it's seeking that support in ways that feel good for me or whatever that is. Whether it's, you know, religious thing or, or, or, or, you know, Bible study or a women's group or, or you know, something that's outside of your regular realm. Like, I wouldn't probably recommend that with just like your basic friends or your like something where it's like, it's gonna pull you to the next level of you.

39:10 So a group of women or a group of people that are gonna push you that they're gonna pull you to the next level. And also I think one of the big things that I remember from you from looking outside in, you realize I'm not alone, these, these women are going through the same things I'm going through and were, I was huge for both of us cause I, I was part of a mastermind group too. And, and ladies from a man's perspective, what I felt when I got my wife back, I felt I got back Christie to 3.0 right. I just felt like I was like, wow, this was missing. Cause we were in a really dark place in our relationship and, and when I got this new Christy and I saw that she was lit up again, I was like, we, we, there was a light at the end of the tunnel and then she's just kind of run towards that light and, and, and now we're running towards the light together. So it was, it was beautiful to see that.

40:00 Yeah. Like knowing that you're like, that's why we love this whole both on board thing. It's like, like there's so many couples that come up to us and ask us, Hey, but how'd you do this? But how do you guys work on that? But how do you, how do you keep, you know, all these questions that we get. And it's like we're not alone. Like there's so many other people going through this and that's what building this whole community is, is, is doing for us and is helping us see. And I, and that happened to me with my mastermind group and, and then some, because I also did other group coaching and one on one coaching Ray had his, his, his groups, his people like all of the seminars and workshops that we attend. Like seeing that we're not alone on this was huge. And being able to have these conversations with people and feeling understood and feeling heard is what really continues us to do this.

40:46 One thing I'll share with you too is sometimes you look at that partner to solve certain things and that's not the role. Her role isn't to solve me hanging out with some boys and having some boy talk and, and just like vetting some that wasn't her place and I was trying to use her for that and vice versa. Like she needed some lady friends that could share in that feminine energy and, and release some tears. That wasn't my environment. That wasn't where I was gonna thrive. So I think giving each other that freedom was huge and giving yourself the permission was huge. So babe, what else would you like to share with our amazing listening nets on this?

41:25 Well, I didn't know I was going to be sharing this much, but I'm glad you recorded it because,

41:30 No, it was amazing. Let me ask you this. Maybe the ladies that are coming, I think you've got eight or nine or 10 coming, eight amazing souls coming in. This is the second one you've done. What are you most excited about and about it and what are they going to walk away with?

41:45 Well, I think definitely the connection, like having that community, having that togetherness in a, you know, in a world where there's way too much screen time and, and, and just kind of like isolation. I feel like it's, it's getting back to that whole tribe mentality.

42:04 I think back of like the like homeo sapiens like first starting out with a woman used to cook together and they used to connect and there was and now what's happened in rather than connect they compete. It's crazy.

42:15 Yeah, definitely that is going to be awesome. Just being able to, to spend quality time with, with like minded people and just really getting back to that self like, like there is no, I don't think cookie cutter one way to do things place. It's giving yourself the space and the permission to figure out what is best for you, what is best for your family, what is best for your business and coming from that place, getting back to that versus like you said, like the competing and the, and the has to be done this way because there's no other way to do it. And that's the way that everybody else is doing. So I have to do it that way too.

42:51 Or trying to live in somebody else's expectations that aren't, or even even what you want. So you've got a group of amazing women that are all been curated by you. You're, you're going to come for a day, get together, show them that there's a pure group of women that care that aren't, aren't competitive. Cause a lot of women haven't even been around that environment where, where it's okay to be open, vulnerable and share and no one's going to judge you. They're just here to love you. Like people in general don't have that environment where they feel supported, they feel loved and there they know that they're not alone.

43:22 And I think definitely for me, like it's just important. Like I've done many different things in the last 10 years as far as personal development and growth and, and healing and all the stuff that we've been through and we talk about. But there's something about the face to face in person stuff that's invaluable. Like it just, it's just, you know, next level like it,

43:45 Well, if it's experiential now, right, they get, they get to, they get to put it in their body, right. Because, Hey, this is about self care, so being here matters, right? So maybe I know that this one's fall already in the future. If you plan on doing any more of these work and they reach out to you if they're interested or they just want to have a talk or really they just want to talk with you to, to just get something off their chest or what kind of like, what's going on?

44:10 Just, yeah. Instagram or Facebook. I mean, it's just about the connection and about being able to, to, to be there for each other and, and, and know that we're not alone and know that we're, that we're, that we're normal, right. That we're okay. Like everything's fine. Like, like not having to hide, like having to do the highlight reel and then hide behind that is, is just, it's exhausting. So yeah, an Instagram, Kristy [inaudible] both on board, whatever, whatever you feel like. We're pretty accessible, so,

44:41 All right. I'd like to. Thank you. We love you. We appreciate your baby. Is there anything else you'd like to leave our amazing listeners? This is, this is both on board the women's episode and yet I think this is one of the biggest things that Christi brings to the table and it's needed. I, it's needed. My soul knows as needed and we didn't expect it to go this way and I'm really happy it did. I'm really happy she played ball with us too to show this side of her that she's still uncovering anything you want to leave them with. Baby, I love you. Appreciate you. Thank you.

45:14 Thanks for hanging out with us and listening to the Bolton board podcasts. Go to our website@bothonboard.com to receive your free special report on seven game changers for highly effective entrepreneurial couples. You can also connect to this on Facebook and Instagram at both on board. If you got value from us, please subscribe to our channel and leave an amazing five star reviews so we can help others get on board to co create the life and business of the dreams and enjoy the ride. We hope to connect with you soon.

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