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Do you ever find yourself frustrated or feeling like you’re out of control of your situation? No matter what the circumstances, how you respond to them can make all the difference.

In this episode, Ray and Christy discuss the difference between reacting and responding to a situation, as well as techniques for handling difficult people, rebounding from bad decisions, and more.

Show Highlights Include:

  • How knowing the difference between responding and reacting can lift you from failure to success (2:07)
  • Changing this one element of any situation will make you a better entrepreneur, spouse, and parent (6:20)
  • Try this to bounce back quickly from bad choices that leave you angry with yourself (10:30)
  • Take this game-changing approach to any outcome and end frustration for good (16:28)
  • You can focus on this one simple thing to improve every interaction you have with another person (18:03)
  • The mindset shift that helps you avoid a downward spiral in triggering situations (27:07)
  • Stop using these two words right now to immediately begin repairing broken relationships (36:25)

Ready to co-create the perfect life with your partner? Head over to http://bothonboard.com/ to get your free special report on “7 Game-changers for Highly Effective Entrepreneurial Couples” and level up your life, business, and relationship.

Read Full Transcript

Hey, I'm Christy and I'm Ray. And our passion is to inspire entrepreneurial couples to cocreate the life and business of their dreams and enjoy the ride. Together, we built three successful businesses. We have a beautiful three year old daughter and we pride ourselves on living a life by design. And our goal is to help you do the same. Are you ready to take your relationship, your health, and your wealth to the next level?

00:48 All right. So today on this episode, it's something we've we spoke about in the past and we're really excited and we're always [inaudible].

00:54 Coming back to this theme of responsibility. My angel Christy wanted us to talk about it. We've, we've hit it in the past, but not the way it deserves to be. And we're going to define responsibility. We're going to talk about what it means to us and, and then just beginning to bring awareness to what it means to fully be responsible for everything in your life. Let's start there with the definition of what that means to us and, and you know, our amazing listeners, what that, what they may want to reconsider, what that means to them.

01:26 So the first thing that comes up, and obviously there, there can be several different definitions to this, but the one that we like to focus on is response ability. So the ability to respond, and we talk a lot in personal development in these episodes, in, in our daily lives, we talk about respond versus react or react to versus respond. And what really kind of juices us is this conversation of how do we respond versus just reacting from a very low level, low energy place versus responding, which is taking the time to figure out what needs to be done or what, how this needs to be taken in order to move the ball forward in a way where it feels better and it feels more aligned with what we want. Rather than reacting and then having to clean up messes. So that's what comes up for me. For me, reacting is very low vibration. Low energy doesn't feel good. It's like, Oh, why did I do that? Why did I say that? Why did I think that? And then

02:25 Your homeless, let's get, let's get deep deep into that react. The word itself is to act again. You're acting the same thing. So you're really living in the past. You're not reaction is when you're not at choice. Right, right. And, and one of the things when she said respond that was amazing is respond to whom? And some dr Sangeeta Sahi on our podcast, we had two episodes with Sangeeta. She said, what does that mean to us? And I remember listening to her call guys, if you have not listened to those two episodes, we would encourage you, even if you have to relisten to those, because I've listened to them a few times cause I'm not evolved as my sunshine over here. But she listened to it and she listened to it recently and was really blown away in terms of like she was able to really understand and embody what she was saying.

03:12 We're at that time we were really not ready to receive all that she was dropping. But if you guys listened to that, those two episodes, I mean she was dropping gems, I mean all over the place. But in there she mentioned what does it mean to be responsible and was she mentioned was an [inaudible] stuck with me is the ability to respond to yourself first. Right? So what like now in us in retrospect when we say the ability to respond yes. And to us first, how do we begin to bring awareness to that? How do we begin to understand even like sometimes I'm just, I just do things I don't know.

03:45 Well, I mean I think we could, we could give many examples. The one that that just came up for me, I use, we were talking in, the word that came up for me was the awareness. So having that space of awareness in between how you respond to something when something happens, right, there's a deal gone wrong, or your, your, your child is not behaving or your husband or wife says something that triggers you in, as in it doesn't feel good in the moment. Right? So taking that space as she talks about that in that episode as well. But like taking that, that space and to give it the time it needs sometimes, like obviously something, you can't always just take space and be, let me think about this, but you can start to train yourself to kind of give yourself that space in that room to feel out what's really going on.

04:25 And so an example would be when you're driving and someone cuts you off, they cut you off. Does it really make a big difference in the scheme of things? No, but you honk your horn or you yell at them or you, you know, flip them off or whatever comes up right in that moment. And then that's very reactive, right? You, you didn't stop that. They, okay. Well, what I'm going to do right now is I'm going to yell and then I'm going to honk my horn really loud and then I'm going to put my, my middle finger out at them or whatever. That's not what you're, what happens? It's just something that happens, right? All of a sudden you're yelling and you're upset and this person cuts you off and you don't know what's going on in their, in their world. You don't know if they have to go to the bathroom or they're in a rush because someone is in the hospital, like you don't know what's going on in that car.

05:05 All you know what's going on in your world is that you are not happy right now and you reacted to something that happened versus the same situation live, for example, getting cut off. And then sometimes if I'm in a, in a mood where I'm just like, whatever, it's like, okay, let me just make sure I don't crash. Right? And like stop, press the brake and let them through and it gets no big deal. It's the same event. It's the same thing that happened, but how would the energy that came up within, that's what you want to start to look at. And it definitely takes practice and it takes the, you're not going to be perfect. Then there's going to be moments. And that's just a silly example of something that we can all relate to I think. But like it comes up in different areas.

05:43 So where in your life do you see something? And usually it's things that happen over and over again. It doesn't just happen one time. It's, it ha it comes up and then you felt like triggered or you felt kind of like weird about something and then all of a sudden you're, you're, you're upset or you're not happy or you're yelling or you're arguing with your spouse, with your children, with your employees, with someone on the phone, with a, with a customer service rep. Like whatever that looks like. What is it that got you to that place? Right? So it's that space and that awareness that gives you the ability to respond in a way where it's not only more beneficial to you, but it doesn't, for example, ruin your day or it doesn't cause you to, to make things worse or create friction with between you and somebody else. So it's, it's that spatial piece of, of being able to, to stop and react and respond in a way where you're not just reacting and it's, it's not automatic.

06:34 I love it. I just, I just think that once we get punched in the mouth or wherever, we have a challenge with that already where we're reacting from place of really you're reacting from a place of fear and scarcity, right? There's only two things, right? Love or fear. And usually when you're reacting, the usual reaction isn't coming from love because otherwise you'd be more okay with that. It's more of a fear based, Hey, I don't want this. Right? I feel like I'm going to lose something. I feel like a, I'm going to have less of something or I'll never have something. And I think that's, that's something we want to start to bring awareness to. And it's hard to feel like you really, you really need to feel into it. It's kind of like everything that, one of the things Christie lives by is every outcome is a term by the energy that is created from.

07:15 So really getting clear on that, bringing awareness to that reaction. Hey, I reacted. All right, so maybe we get into that babe. Like what do you do when you react to, first of all, forgive yourself and choose a new and do you want to keep that reaction? So how do we bring awareness to a reaction? Cause usually that's how we catch right and shows up for us, right? And to how do we not react at all? How do we come to a situation, a great place of true response on attachment and not letting it bother our peace. Still staying in peace no matter what causes it. Truth is guys, nothing in this world is going to take or add anything to you. Like it's just, it's, it's all an illusion and it's as we begin to transition and embody that, that's something Christie and I are currently working on, and yet sometimes we still get hooked by our reactions for sure.

08:04 Well, I think it's definitely, the awareness pieces is huge and just getting better at catching yourself almost. It's so, it's like that space thing that we were talking about, that, that awareness of saying, wait a second, this normally it triggers me, but this time, right? React acting in like the way you acted in the past. Right? Versus this time, I'm not going to just let it take control over me. I'm not going to go to that automatic response place. Right. I'm going to stop for a second. And the first thing might be maybe he's a little awkward. Someone tells you something that triggers you and you just maybe bite your tongue or you or you or you just breathe and you look into it and you, and it's that moment right before that thing comes out of your mouth that you shouldn't have said or that that action takes place, right? It's that little moment that is the awareness. That is that moment of saying, okay, well how am I going to respond to this? What is the best thing that I could do right now in this moment, given the circumstances that are ahead of me.

09:00 One of the guys that was in a mastermind and one of the things he used to say is when us psychiatrists told them, look, if you react that way, play the movie forward, play the movie 24 hours from now. You could, whatever you're reacting to, the reason it's coming up for you, it's, it's, and I'm just thinking about this out loud guys. So just give us the permission to really like feel through this and talk through this as if you're reacting to something and it's triggering you. It doesn't feel good. Like that's, that's the indicator. Hey I, I'm not like that. Your true self isn't like whatever you did. So there's like a pain there or there's a discomfort there or it's not your true self. So that's what triggers the whole thing. So one of the key things we want you to be aware of is, okay, thank you God, thank you for that sign.

09:42 Thank you for that ability to be able to make a new choice where you don't want to go from. Once you do, that is a place of judging yourself, a place of beating yourself up, a place of not loving yourself. Like you're already doing that. So, Hey, I'm not like that. This is not how I want to be. I made that choice in the past. I don't want to make it again. But the moment you get awareness and you still choose to do the old behavior, it's not awareness at all. You might as well not know because now you know and you're kicking your butt. So once you have that awareness, and it usually comes from pain saying, Hey, this is not how I truly want to be, then go ahead and forgive yourself and open that up to make a new choice, a choice that you want to have made. So that's one case where you've made a bad choice. Ideally it's both. It's that. And Hey, how do I come into a new situation? I don't even need to react anymore. I'm just responding out of love and really on attachment and a place from, nothing's out to get me. Nothing's out to hurt me. And I think that is a, the level one conversation is not as, Hey, I reacted, what do I do now? Level two is how do we even prevent the reaction from ever happening.

10:51 Yeah. And I think, I mean, the more boring into this conversation we get, the more I realized that there are levels to it. And I think almost like beyond that and, or proceeding that is the energy that you're currently in before the situation happens that you respond versus, or react. The like where you are at mentally, emotionally, spiritually, before the triggering event happens. And when we talk about responsibility, the ability to respond. If you're already on empty or you're not in a good place or you're not feeling good already, then that's just gonna exponentially increase your odds of reacting in a way that it's just going to get worse. Right. Versus when you're taking care of yourself. When you're, you're, you're making sure that you're, that you're doing the things that need to be done so that you are in a, in a good place, which is more a lot more proactive.

11:44 When those things come to trigger you, you have a much better ability to respond in a way where you're not going necessarily regret what you said or what you did or whatever it is. And it's kind of hard to say it the way we're seeing it because it's obviously easier with concrete examples, but think about a time in your life or think about something that happens or not even something a person, let's, let's, let's, let's go with that. A person that's triggering it can be your partner, it can be an employee or an employer, it can be a family member. It can be someone in this case, just to keep the example simple and clear. Someone that you know triggers you. So someone that you know, quote unquote brings out the worst in you, even though that's not taking responsibility because they are, they do not have control over you, but they quote unquote bring out the worst in you.

12:38 And there's, I'm sure everybody already has at least two or three faces or names popping up. Normally it's family members, but it doesn't always have to be. It can be, you know, friends or, or, or, or whoever, whoever that those people are. Think about that situation where, where you know that that person's going to say something or you know that that person's going to do something and then feel your energy toward that person at that moment. And that right there is that energetic exchange that you're going to have with that person. Because if you're already, and we can get into deeper and deeper levels, but if you're already triggered by that person just by thinking about them or hearing their name or looking at their face, then that's already a charged situation. And then when they do or say something that does trigger you, your reaction is almost inevitable and automatic, right? So it's that place of, of being conscious enough of saying, okay, I'm gonna go to this event or I'm going to go to this person's house and I'm aware that they trigger me or that they might say something. Right? And then little by little, you start to build that, not resistance, but that that, what's the word I'm trying to say? Like that just ability, right? The ability to, to, to, to come from a different place toward that person.

13:52 I get what you're saying maybe, and it sounds like what you're saying. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no. It didn't, it was beautiful actually. It sounds like what you're saying is I'm looking for a simple way to express it. Watch how you're showing up to the situation. Be really aware of the context you are bringing to it because that's gonna determine everything. Guys. You can go have an experience, the same experience as somebody else and have two very different outcomes. Guys. All events are neutral. So whatever happened, Hey, this situation happened, right? Whatever that situation is. But then all our interpretations of that situation give us a whole different experience. And that experience is really pre sueded right? Pre the book Pre-Suasion, right? Robert Cialdini is a great book and he talks about people get influenced by what happened right before they got influenced. What kind of place where they begin to get influenced. So just really starting to, you know, going back to awareness I think is huge on this one.

14:45 I think that another thing that came up was that I wanted to touch up on there is also like the two other no-nos in responsibility is, is taking things personally and being attached to, right. So having that non-attachment energy has been a game changer. How do you know when you're attached? It's when you're, let me explain that. It's like when you're, when you're, when you're expecting something not expecting,

15:10 It's when you're emotionally charged, you're attached to

15:14 Want something to happen. Any other way of the happening is unacceptable, is not cool. Right. And I think, yeah, so the non attachment and the not taking things personal, that was has been huge for me. I think probably especially in the last six months in growing through that and not taking things so personal and knowing that everyone has, like Ray said, their perspective on things. Everyone has their own preconceived notions. Everyone has their path, everyone has their traumas, everyone has all these things that they bring to the two situations and that they bring to the table that you have one no control over. And two probably no awareness of all you have is like we were talking about, which is why it's, it's just a multilayered conversation, but the, the, the ability to respond from your point of view, from your perspective and if you can just be unattached to that to what they're going through and just say, okay, well this is how I'm feeling.

16:06 This is what I'm thinking. Let me figure myself out and let me figure this out and not add to the fire what they're doing or what they're thinking or what they're feeling. Right. Because you have no control over any of that. And in most cases you don't even have awareness of that. But you do have what's on your side and not taking things personally and not being attached to certain outcomes and how things need to be is two of the most valuable things that you can get really good at when you're having these type of triggering conversations or these situations that

16:38 Cause you to react to things. That came up from me as you were speaking of forgiveness and not judging the other person for giving yourself, right. Hey, if when you react then to don't judge the other person cause you can't love somebody for judging them and then they're usually judging you so you, you're like, it's, it doesn't make any sense why judge them. This is accept people for who they are and then we get attached because we want to change them or we have an expectation of what they should be when really it's just, it's what we think is going to make us happy. Right? So it's even like a delusion of, of, of being thinking that this is what's gonna be best for everyone or, or thinking that if you get this outcome that everything's going to be better. Or thinking that you know what's best for everybody, that you, that you who and that's really a non-attached insignificant, you know the best way to have this come about. Yeah. Right. So that's when we're, and I think we touched upon a lot of different

17:34 Things, but like that responsibility for us is that is, is being able to take ownership for what you're going through and how you're showing up to the plate and not having any type of attachments or expectations. What the other person, and obviously we're speaking about a person, but it can be a situation, it could be a, you know, it can be a car accident, it can be a deal gone wrong. It could be, usually it involves a person. So are people, so there's no control over there. There's no attachment, there's no taking things personal. And then it's just you showing up to the event in a way where you can respond versus react or showing up to the event where you get to choose what you want to make this mean,

18:19 Right. That's really the power awareness, right? Like we're meaning making machines. Thank you. Hashtag landmark forum, you get to choose what things mean to you and you can give it an empowering meaning or you can give them this empower me and that's completely up to you. So let's, let's start to kind of wrap, wrap some, some frameworks around this as we kind of discovered it with between us level one, one of the key things, one of our mentors that runs this podcast ask us kind of like what do we want you guys to do? Started level one, what, let's assume that you're at level one. And again, we all are at level ones in different areas and some areas of my life I'm at level one and own it. This is where I'm at. And so as Christie, even though as far as of all the she is, she's a level one in some areas of her life, right?

19:00 It's true. So we're going to give you some guys, some concrete examples of where we're at level ones and some of the work we want to do there. And then start to bring awareness to where you're at. So level one is a place where things are triggering you. You are getting triggered by events external to you and you're just reacting whatever it is. And the mentality that, Oh, woe is me. Why is that happening? Or you're not doing it consciously. You don't, you don't know that you're playing the victim, but it doesn't feel good. Yeah. Yeah. Cause if you, if you knew you're playing a victim now that they've, none of our listeners are victims in their lives consciously. Right? So, so let's give an example of that level one where my life maybe where in your life or where you know the question to ask yourself, like an a practical, actionable question.

19:41 Like what we want you guys to do is where am I life? Am I reacting and after react, what I'm saying to myself as, you know what? Dang dang Ray dude, that wasn't like you. That's not how you do things. That's not how you roll. So if I have to look in my life, for me it's been one of the things where the competitiveness, like if I'm playing a sport or a basketball or something and that moment I might get heated and say something or hit someone in a way where, you know what? That's not like me. My goal is to how out here and have fun, have a good time and be good. Sportman still played a win and played on my potential, but my winning isn't a, by me beating the other person, winning is defined by me playing to my potential and sometimes that that's something that I'm still working on, on not reacting on, not talking trash on a basketball court, on not getting into fights.

20:28 As Christy says, I'm playing to enjoy the game. Some of the things I'm doing is I'm just bringing awareness to it. Okay, this is an area for me to work. This is an area for me to, you know that I shake hands, everybody in the way out that I, that I, that I do my part, they're going to do their part, right. I'm not able to control that, but do I need to react to them in a negative way that then I'm like, you know what, that's not like me. And it makes me feel bad. And if my daughter Valentino was there, I wouldn't be proud of myself. What's something for you baby?

20:55 Well, I think that as you were speaking several different things came up in my mind, but the biggest one is like giving my power away. So when I, and I catch myself, right? And I would just give you, maybe you and Valentina as examples, but there's, there's definitely other areas. But for me as they giving my power away is like, why do you have to, you know, make me feel this way or you, you, you're making me feel guilty or you're making me feel bad. Right? And those things, like those words that come up, it's, it's like I'm literally giving my power away in seeing that because you did this then I'm feeling this way, but I'm choosing that. So an example would be that like, Ray, why are you rushing me? You're rushing me. Like he's not rushing me. He's doing what he's doing and I am choosing to feel rushed.

21:41 I am choosing to take it as him rushing me and not just am I taking it to be rushing. I am letting the rushing happen as well. So it's like that taking that responsibility for saying I am letting this happen. It's not Ray's fault that I feel rushed. It's raised doing whatever he's doing. I have no control. I have no, no say in that. I don't even know if that's really what's going on in his side. Maybe he's just feeling rushed in and he wants to get things done. I don't know what's going on. So given that one sided thing on my side is I am letting him rush me. I am letting him make me feel like I need to rush because of some external force, which is him versus I am choosing it. And that for me is the responsibility is saying, you know what, you're making me feel rushed.

22:26 But I choose not to feel rushed because I don't like the feeling of feeling rushed. And so I am going to take back my power and say, no, I'm not rushing. I'm done when I'm done and I'll talk to you when I'm finished with what I'm doing. And it's that dance, right? That moment of questioning it, of saying, what is it that's really going on here? It's not that Ray is rushing me or is that he's making me feel a certain way. It's that I'm choosing to let that in. I and I am able to respond in a way where I can choose to rush or not. Right. Does that make sense?

22:58 Yeah. Just, just, just, just going back to being at choice and saying, Hey, I don't, I, Ray is not rushing me. Right? That's not what it means. And yet maybe myself like I want to be rushed. I feel like I should do something else. So it's triggering something with inner and yet the other thing too is if she reacts to me in that moment, Hey, you're rushing me, stop brushing me, then I'm going to react to her. Right? So if she throws a stone now again, eventually one of us stops that process. Cause then otherwise you guys end up in a a spirited debate rights. And the weird thing is, have you ever had a fight with your spouse or your significant other that you love? And it's always the same thing. She says this, I say that. And you could see that movie like my friend Mark said, you could see that movie 24 hours. It's always the same thing. I'm like, do I want to choose a path or do I wanna choose another path at that moment to give yourself the choice of what path you want to choose.

23:50 That's where you take back your power when you say, you know what, I'm going to choose not to make this mean that I'm going to choose to make it mean this. And that's not to say I don't have the conversation with Ray and say, listen, when you call me five times when I was on the road doing errands, that didn't feel good. So please next time. But I can say it like that versus the way versus the way I actually said it, which was leave me alone. Dude. Like I'm busy.

24:16 I just want to make her some, I was cooking some fire, Cuban beans, black beans. I mean that was, that was amazing.

24:21 But it's that ability right, to take back that power to not feel as the victim or as he's trying to control me or, and he's looking to get me to do something that I don't want to do or whatever. Yeah.

24:33 Controlling. No, I was cooking for you. I wonder to see if you're coming home cause I don't want to have the food ready.

24:38 Yeah, that's all I know. You always get back to an actual thing that happens.

24:41 So cause I want to be practical with, with them. So all right, so that's level one. And I think that some action steps for level one is when you react. I think the first thing to do is, is as you catch it, like okay, I said this, I reacted. Okay. Forgiveness. First of all, forgive yourself. Like really forgive yourself and then two glass of forgiveness from your partner, whoever you were in that confrontation with. Right. So when I left basketball, I'll always apologize that other person and always clap it up after right there. There might still be some negative, some bad blood between them to me, but I, at least on my part, I've said, you know, I pounded them up, Hey, it was just a game and I let it go and move forward. So what are some of the things that they can do? They've already crossed that boundary of reacted again, but sometimes what happens, you know, at least it happened to me in the past, is you take that reaction, you don't learn from it, you put it underneath the rug and then it just gets bigger and bigger. Because what's happening is life is looking to show you a lesson here and you're not getting the lesson. So the lesson gets more and more intense over time.

25:46 Well, that's what I was getting at in the word that was coming up for me is diffusing the situation. So diffusing that by saying, you know what, Ray, for example, I know that you like to get things done on your timeline, but there's two timelines here. And in this example, it's obviously with your spouse because it's, you know, and, and especially if you work together, because my time is, is, is dependent on his time sometimes and vice versa. So it's still diffusing and addressing the situation, but not from a place of reaction. Not from a place of negativity, not from a place of that charged negative heavy space. Because that's why it becomes that cycle that you were talking about because it doesn't, because it doesn't, right. It's either this, but then you did that, but then you said this, but then I said this, but then you did that and it's, and it's that constant cycle of, of crap that never gets resolved.

26:38 So one of the things that we've done much better at, especially lately is addressing these things. So if I feel, and obviously everybody has their own cases, like what are a few triggering things, for example, and this is both on board. So with your spouse or your children or your parents or your brother or sister, like those few people that popped up into your head, what are a few examples of things that constantly trigger you that constantly come up? So it's certain family members that might be committing to things that you don't really want to go to events or having certain conversations about my daughter. Right. For example, like what she eats, right? Or what she doesn't eat or her health or whatever with my mom. Right. Having those kinds of conversations. Like what are those?

27:21 The ones that are the, the uncomfortable negative ones that it's the ones that you're avoiding,

27:25 Right. The ones that you're avoiding and then start to own, like show up to them, like show up to them from a different place versus, I know I married a man that does not know how to tell time. Like he just doesn't know how to tell time for whatever reason. So he likes to be late and rush or he doesn't like it, but he just does it. I don't know why he does it or doesn't do it, but like he, he's just an I am now finally realizing like I don't get to change him. Like I am not going to change him. I can encourage him and I can maybe give some type of reward right. For her actually showing up on time. But he's a rusher. He likes to run late. He likes to just do things on his own timeline. And I don't get to change that.

28:10 And I know that it triggers me. It makes me really, really angry and upset when we're late to something or when I'm rushing and I'm not feeling in flow because I'm going too fast and then I forget things. Or then, you know, I lose my train of thought or I lose my creativity because he's rushing me because he wants me to get home. Because, so that's again, just an example, but think about examples in your life of those few people that popped up in your head that are triggering and then not as it's happening because it's so much harder to respond when you're triggered. Right? Or when you're charged. Like we said. So before that, like now maybe take out your journal, maybe, maybe half the conversations they look, tone it down. Don't say look, say, listen sweetie, I know that you have your own timeline and you don't like to be on anybody else's watch and all that and please understand that. I don't like to be late. So if you are planning on being late, then just let me know ahead of time so that I can do my thing and then you can do your thing and we can both meet in the middle. Whatever that looks like. I don't know. That's not how the,

29:15 What am I love that you said though? No, it was great. Baby is, is a guys and ladies communication and communication really from a place of unattachment, which is more challenging. Right? Cause Chrissy's like Noray like she's, she's really punctual. She wants to honor whatever she said to that person. And if she says she's in and she, you know, she doesn't let me show up to things empty hand there. So she's like, no, let's get there early. I made all these commitments, but in her mind she made it way bigger than what I'm making. And I'm saying it's right or wrong. I'm just saying I have to understand that. And she goes, look, as you come to me and said, Hey baby, I made a commitment to show up at this place at three o'clock and I want to go. And then I'm like, baby, do you really want to go?

29:51 Cause sometimes in the past she was, she'd be like, Oh, I want to go. But she really doesn't want to go, but she's going more out of obligation anyway. She's getting a lot better at that. So, so now if she really wants to go, then I might, she puts me back at choice. Hey babe, look, you can go on your own. You can Uber later, whatever. Just don't get here last minute and foresaw it'll be late. And I'm okay with that. At that point it puts me, I chose, Hey, do I want to go with here with her on time or don't want to show up later. So again, communicate, forgive yourself, and then communicate and make sure that you both are communicating from a place of positive emotions of love. That's the biggest thing you communicating from a loving place. And Hey babe, here's what I understood.

30:28 It may not be right, don't try and be right. Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right? Right. Come from a place of like look. And then when you mess up, own it. Hey, I messed up here. Like that was my bad. And sometimes like what I'll do sometimes is I'll ask for help guys, Hey babe, I'm not good at this being on time thing and I want to get better at it, but I have to ask for, so one of our new rules is that if the other person doesn't ask for help in that area or accountability, then you don't offer it because it's not for you to offer. Like they have to want the help. So that's the first level. That's the first level of that. What we want you to kind of take from this. Now, the second level, say you're evolving.

31:03 So the second level, we're always evolving in different areas of life. The second level is I think is how do you get to a place where you're constantly responding? And I think the first question there is where are you mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically? Like what are your rituals to make sure that you show up as the highest version of yourself, even in days you don't feel like it, you show up as a better version of yourselves. So what are those rituals you do? Whether it's meditation, prayer, reading, Oh, working out, whatever. Like what are you going to do to make sure that you show up at your best and you bring awareness to things. And I think the biggest thing within that to bring awareness to is how are you going to be, I think most people maybe aren't clear on how they want to be. They're clear on what they want in terms of material, financial, whatever, but they're not clear. And I'm still getting more and more clear on what States of being do I want to embody you today. That's the most important question in my opinion.

32:00 And that's, that's the, the reactive nature too that comes in. When I think of that, it's like you're reacting, right? We're talking about responding versus reacting. When you're reacting to things, you're almost like an automatic pilot and you don't stop to think, do I want to be frazzled? Do I want to be so competitive? Maybe, maybe there's some goodness in the competitiveness, but do I want to be,

32:21 Do I want to be an anxiety? Especially if an entrepreneur anxiety, fear, lack overloaded.

32:28 Yeah. And so, and so I think it's that, that piece of, of that, like you said, the proactiveness of taking care of how you feel. Right? And how you want to show up in the who you want to be. Right? I want to be peaceful. I want to be calm, I want to be centered, I want to be compassionate, like those kind of words. And we talked about that in a, in a prior episode about the to be list, right? Versus the to do list. How do you, how do you want to show up in your daily life? And this is an ongoing conversation and again is a daily practice, right? That's what I'm saying. Yeah. So what seeds do I want to plant in my, in the, in the garden of my mind, and it's not just, Oh yeah, I want to be peaceful, but then when that person says that, then everything goes out the window, right?

33:11 Yeah. Forget piece. Right, right. But that, that's when it counts. Right? That's when it's really important because anyone can be peaceful sitting in their, you know, in their, in their meditation cushion with, with quiet all around them. Right. But when it's going out into the road or going on into the business dealer or going on into the store and then getting triggered by these things, and that's where it's, it's a process, right? It's, it's starting to get more and more aware of what is it that triggers me? What is it that, that bothers me so much? What is it that people say that that makes me feel not good? Or maybe it makes me feel reactive and then what in me is triggering this course? That's always that. That's why it's the responsibility piece. That's why it's like there's layers and it's very, very complex.

33:55 But when you get to the end, to the core of it, it's that, it's like all it is, is that you're getting triggered, you're letting yourself be triggered. So rather than feeling like bad about it, like we were talking about like it's not about judging myself or judging the person. Oh, I'm such an I'm such a jerk. Right? No. Okay. What was it that like get curious? One of my favorite words, get curious. What, what is it that is getting triggered in me with Ray or with my mom or with, you know, curious and also like, one of the things I'm trying to learn is I'm trying to look at things from a place of innocence. Like sometimes I'm, I'm looking at it, I'm getting curious, but I'm still judging it. So now I'm like, dude, I'm innocent in this. Like I'm just really looking to be that observer.

34:37 Like, okay, I'm innocent in this, what's going on right from that place, not from, Oh, you're here. He goes, Ray, he messed it up again, right? Yeah. And the inner, the inner talk to like that and it's a dance, right? Like there's, there's going to be moments where it's, and then it's like taking that responsibility without feeling the shame or the guilt or I reacted the wrong way to my mom and I said this and I shouldn't have said that. That's not going to make the situation better. Obviously if you need to, you know, apologize for something or whatever, then that's, that's a whole nother conversation and you can go ahead and do that. But it's not just about that, it's about learning from it so that the next time it comes up, like Ray said, like all these things that keep continue and we all have, you know, probably a list of five to 10 things that just constantly show up and constantly like, it's funny that, for example, I, I've been working on this for years now, but like now when I pull up somewhere to, in my car, like I get the best parking spots.

35:29 Like I literally attract the best parking spots and it's because I've been working on it for literally years and my mom and my grandma now when they're in the car with me, even my grandmother has noticed, she's like, I'll see, because you know Christie always finds the bus spots because I've put that out there for so long. And for me it's an example of, you know, another whole nother conversation. But the, the power of, of my intention, the power of the law of attraction, the power of, of things coming your way and vice versa. The negative stuff. Like if you're constantly saying, Oh, I'm never going to find a good parking spot, there's, this place is always packed. I always have to park at the end of the thing. That's what you're going to get. So if you're, for example, telling your spouse, Oh, because you're always late and all you do is be late and you're always making a slate and that's what you're going to get more of. So it's that same principle.

36:16 One's used to get me used to hurt me because then like it's that word always. And never just be very cautious when you use that cause you're really hurting that you always do this. They don't. No one always does something. Sometimes on my baby, I have a pattern here. So I think one of the thing that that's huge here is is like once you go to communicate communication after you've reacted, they have, I don't know what is triggered in me, like have that vulnerable conversation so that you can really get to the core of it and the other person has to then allow time. Because guys, this is a pattern within you already. So Hey one day to the next, I'm just going to change it and it's going to be gone forever. For some simple things that might work, but I think if, if this has been going on for the last 35 years, it may take some time.

37:00 So can your partner be compassionate and can you be vulnerable with your partner share, Hey this fear is triggering, you know, this fear of losing money for me has triggered all this stuff in the past, babe. And it's just something I'm working on. It's kind of something where my magic is. So that's important. Having a partner to be compassionate with you and what's more important too, like very important. Equally here is whatever that person is showing up or that action or whatever it is, they're blessing you. Like that's what their role is. That person that cuts you off, that person that hit me on the shoulder, we're playing basketball or us doing a bad deal with someone. They're here to teach me that. Like that's what they're here for. They're here to bring that up in me so that you can address it. It's coming up so it can be embraced so that you can actually transcend it.

37:46 Right? So sick, it's coming up. Sick of me released. All right, so part number dose or what we spoke about, number dose number dose says, how are you being what? What States of being and you're committed to being no matter what, and then the universe is going to test you. Okay? You say you were, you committed to this, but then you're judging our president or you're during somebody. Oh, you don't want to judge anybody, but then you're judging everybody. Right? And so judgment is one of the things we do all the time in that, you know, we can, that's a whole other episode. So some of the key questions here for us is what do we want our amazing listeners to do? I think the first thing is look back at the stuff that you've reacted to and there's things in your soul and your gut that knows, go ahead and forgive yourself first. And then if the communication with somebody else, ask for forgiveness for them, not for them but for you and communicate with them. That's not how you're committed to being.

38:37 And, and I think the showing up differently too. Like once you have that awareness, you get to show up differently. You get, you get the the opportunity and you get the choice, right? The choice comes back and you take your power back and then you are responsible again, right? Like that's that word. Responsibility. Like you are responsible for how you show up, you are responsible for, for what you make things mean, right? It's your responsibility. And that is where your power is only if you pawn that off to people constantly, which is we as humans like to do, right? It's easier to blame somebody else. Oh, well why did you cut me off? Well, he cut me off because he cut me off. But do I have to respond that way? Do I have to get my blood pressure up? Do I have to honk and, and bother everybody else around me? And, and you know, and like those, those moments of, of taking that power back and saying, you know what, they're doing what they're doing. And one thing that for me was, was huge, was like, I'm not condoning that. It's like I'm not, I'm not saying that that's okay, but that doesn't mean that it's going to take from my beingness, from my piece, from my, you know, from whatever it is that I committed to at the beginning of the day. Just because I got cut off doesn't mean that all that stuff goes out the window. Right?

39:46 [Inaudible] you're accepting it. You're not judging saying a traitor wrong, and you're not condoning it either. And you're saying it is what it is, it's not going to affect my peace. I love that baby. I love that. All right, so those are the two things and then the final question is, now what do we need to believe to actually do that? I think we need to believe that we actually can change. I think we need to believe that, that we can be at choice and that we can make a new choice and we can show up differently and we can start to be differently. Guys, nothing will change. And ladies, until we start to be different and show up different from an emotional place of peace, love, joy, gratitude, abundance, fearlessness, right? Until we start embodying those things consistently and living in love, meaning this is how we actually operate and realizing that living where you're not attached to anything and you're just enjoying the ride, I think. I think that's the, that's what you need to believe. You need to believe that it's possible. You need to believe that, that you can be happy here and that happiness is the way, and then you got to own it and then practice it daily.

40:53 I think for me, one of the biggest, the most helpful things was not taking things personally, like it's not personal. Ray is not late because he wants to make me feel like crap, right? Ray is not late because he wants to upset me. Ray's late for whatever his reasons are and I get to choose what I make that mean and what I do with that information and that's where being responsible, it starts to feel good after a while. It's like, okay, well I can make this mean what I want it to mean. I can take the responsibility that I need to take for the situation and it's not personal. Like it's not about me, just like what I'm feeling is not about Ray and what Ray's feelings not about me. It's about how we're showing up and who we're choosing to be and what we're making things mean and those other things where it's not personal.

41:34 Yeah. And then can, the last thing I would leave you guys with is, this is both on board. This is one of the hardest things that we've had to be is to be real within ourselves and have a real raw and authentic conversations. If you guys could find it possible. And if we could create an example or serve as an example for you. I think our lives have been on purpose and our example is be willing to share those vulnerabilities that come up with you when you get triggered, especially by your partner. Because if she knows what triggers me and what stories I have around that, then she can help me diffuse that and vice versa. I know what her triggers are, I know where the sensitivities are. So if I can help her, you know, maybe giving her some encouraging words and, and, and I know when she struggles with certain things, I know what our tendencies are, we can begin to help each other because ultimately the reason you chose that partner you're with is because they're here to help you. They're here to help you be the best person on yourselves. And they chose you for the same reason, so just begin to honor that and love that in yourself that that your ultimate personal development tool is really your partner. They're here to bring these things out. Don't judge them. It's not about you. Don't take it personal. It's how do we grow together and use each other's iron. Sharpen iron. All right. We love you guys. We appreciate you. Thank you for listening and we'll talk to you soon.

42:48 Thank you. Thanks for hanging out with us and listening to the both onboard podcasts. Go to our website@bothonboard.com to receive your free special report on seven game changers for highly effective entrepreneurial couples. You can also connect to this on Facebook and Instagram at both onboard. If you got value from us, please subscribe to our channel and leave an amazing five star reviews, how we can help others get on board to cocreate the life and business of the dreams and enjoy the ride. We hope to connect with you soon.

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