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When you make a massive change in your life, like unlocking unlimited joy and freedom, it causes ripples of change to every relationship too. And these ripples of change aren’t always positive, which confuses many people.

If you’ve discovered the secret to freedom and happiness, your first step is sharing it with your loved ones. But often, this “advice” comes across as judgemental and can strain your most beloved relationships.

Not only have I struggled with this with my wife, but today’s guests, Lee and Amber have also struggled with it.

In this episode, you’ll discover why these ripples of change can damage your relationships — and how to prevent it and even make your relationships stronger.

Listen now.

Show Highlights Include

  • Why making a massive change in your life can weaken your relationships (and how the “Toddler Technique” keeps your relationships strong) (4:15)
  • How trying to take care of your loved ones actually cripples them (and why anger may work better) (9:31)
  • The “Bleeding Relaxation” trick for making everyone around you more calm and collected (11:44)
  • The insidious way pushing your happiness on others backfires and plants the seeds of resentment (15:23)
  • How accepting people as they are makes them more open to bizarre self-help methods (20:45)
  • The “well, that’s a cute story” secret for instantly making the negative voice in your head shut up (29:10)

If you want to radically change how much control you have over your emotions in as little as 20 days, you can go to https://thefreedomspecialist.com/feelbetternow and sign up for the Choose Your Own Emotion course.

If you or somebody you know is looking to drop the ‘F’ Bomb of freedom in your life and break free from addiction, depression, anxiety or anything that’s making you feel flat-out stuck, head over to https://thefreedomspecialist.com/ and book a call where we can look at your unique situation and give you the roadmap you’ve been missing.

If you’d like to buy a copy of my book, Is That Even Possible?: The Nuts and Bolts of Energy Healing for the Curious, Wary, and Totally Bewildered, you can find it on Amazon here: https://www.amazon.com/That-Even-Possible-Healing-Bewildered/dp/1512336041

Read Full Transcript

It's time to rip the cover off what really works to ditch addiction, depression, anger, anxiety, and all other kinds of human suffering. No, not sobriety. We're talking the F word here. Freedom. We'll share straight from the trenches. What we've learned from leaving our own addictions behind and coaching hundreds of others to do the same. And since it's such a heavy topic, we might as well have a good time while we're at it.

(00:36): All right, folks. Welcome back to the alive and free podcast. All right. Uh, I have with us today, both Amber and Lee, you've talked, or you've heard you haven't talked unless you're talking to your radio, which is, would be hilarious. um, shut up, Bob. Maybe, maybe, maybe anyway, they're here to talk to you about some stuff. Look, too often, people come to me and what they say on the phone when they're looking for change or what they say to some of the, the, my team members and other coaches that work with me is that they feel like their life would be great if this one thing disappeared. And so, you know, that's a great, it's a cute story. I had that story. I'm like, oh man, if I could just get the pornography outta the way, everything would be great. Or if I could just, and then it was like, oh, if I could just get the poverty out of the way and like the bad business, then everything would be amazing.

(01:24): Oh, if I could just get into drugs outta the way, then would be great. Oh, if I could just get this, that and the other. And I had, I always had the next thing like, oh, I just removed this one piece. And then everything falls short. Here's the deal. We think that just changing one piece is somehow possible when it's not, uh, when I was a boy scout, I used to have be in a canoe, right? We had to do all this canoeing stuff because somehow magically learning how to paddle the canoe in the water is gonna prepare you for life, whatever. So we had to swamp the canoe, meaning fill it with water. And then we still had to paddle it. And then we had to figure out how to flip it over and empty it out. And all the other stuff, while we were paddling it, while it was swamped, it would, that's kind of like all those struggles that people deal with, right?

(02:07): You're it, it's hard to, it goes slow and you're kind of waist deep in water, but it works. It still moves if you get the water out of it. If we think, oh, well, if I just get the water out of the canoe, it would be so much better. But the problem is when you get the water out the canoe, that's not the only thing that changes now, it's riding higher on the water, which means it's easier to be swept around by the current. And it's also able to go much faster. And so the landscape is gonna change much more quickly. It's also a little bit less stable. And so it's easier to tip out or fall over sometimes a little bit more. So there's a lot of things that start to happen. Somebody in the boat now with you before they could move and it didn't really affect much, but now it affects it a lot more.

(02:47): So now you're more sensitive to other things, all of that changed by changing the one thing. And so what we're gonna talk today about is what happens when one person changed when suddenly all the pain of a life beforehand disappears when you show up and you're exuberant and you're glorious and you're like, yes, life is gonna be amazing. And then all of a sudden you're confronted with something totally different. So Lee here, you heard him last week, tons of shifts, Amber, you heard hers a little bit, a little while ago and lots of things changed. So, and you've heard me and Jasmine talking about the things that happened inside of our relationship and whatnot in terms of things that shift around and shift inside, inside their space in the world. And so we get to talk today about what happens when you change, when the one thing changes and it starts to rock the boat.

(03:39): So I'm glad we're talking about this because like, there has been a lot of shift in my relationships. Like everything changed. It had to change when I changed, but I, I, I think it's important to identify that the, the guy I was before was the guy who did everything for everybody who took care of everything for everybody, like I would take the higher road, you know, when there'd be problems, I wouldn't, I would, I would swallow the, an injustice or a feeling or whatever, and I would just take it. I would do it. And a lot of people depended on me for a lot of things, you know? And when, when I changed, I, it was like, I had a whole bunch of new things that I had to deal with, but also the people around me had to deal with as well. So Was it scary for you to see yourself acting different? Well,
Yes, because like, like I had to learn how to express what I was actually feeling. You know, I had to be in the moment if, if it was injustice or anger or whatever, like I was there, there wasn't any hiding it. And so like, like I was a, a little bit like a toddler in a sense of learning how to interact with my world again.

(04:52): Yeah. And I remember you and I even had like, okay, well, let's talk about relationships and let's talk about all the things, but the sex talk that you never got as a dad, as a kid, you know, cause you didn't have a dad and right, right. You know, and like, why would people wanna do this? And how does this work? And so there was a lot, there's a huge learning curve. How about for you? Like, Yeah. I really feel like when, when one person changes, the other person doesn't really either know what that means for them. because it's now their world and environment that feels like it's changing too. And because they're not on the inside, they just don't know what it is that's going on. So then, So you were, I mean, you're married, I'm single, you know, but you were a very different person before the change. What, what did that look like for you?

(05:36): So I can speak a little bit to this. Cuz when, when Amber came, like she was very much and then maybe this will get you rolling on it. Cuz she's looking at us. Like, what do you mean? I was different I wasn't different. The world changed for me. Sure. Right. But she was very timid. She was very worried about stepping on people's toes. She had a hard time saying what she felt because she didn't want it to come back to bite her or something. And so she ended up having very beautiful language that ended up saying nothing for a long period of time. Can you take it from here? absolutely. Yeah. That's true. I did. I just always was trying to be careful all the time. Always worried about how people were perceiving me or if I was offending them or hurting them or whatever the thing was also inside of that, wanting to really control a lot of things as it dealt with relationship, communication, all of that. And so then when everything changed and everything shifted, it was so exciting to get, to have conversations where I just could sit back and just listen, just be in the conversation, hear what the other person was saying and respond.

(06:44): Were there surprises? Like, were there things like what Lee talked about where it kind of like freaked you out that you're like, wow, I'm responding to this differently. And I don't know how to navigate world this way. You know, it felt like because really, I mean you taught me well it showed me a lot of things where it, it just felt so fun and curious. I was really excited to just be seeing everything like that. And there were times that I'd be like, whoa, I don't even feel angry right now. And my kids would be doing something or had said something to me. And I'm like, I'm not even upset in the least bit and would respond so differently. And then people around me started commenting like what is going on? And it was quite a bit longer before my husband noticed well, before he started saying anything, about it. Right. And at some point he was like, yeah, a lot is different. And I could see him just not really knowing what to do with that situation. We joke that it's sort of like, because all of last year he just wasn't really sure exactly what was going on.

(07:46): I mean, we'd been married for 20 years and I'd spent 10 of those years, really sick and dealing with pain, pill, addiction, and variety of other things. I was tough to live with. I didn't think I was at the time, but I definitely was hard to live with in a lot of ways. And he was sort of conditioned to responding to me in a certain way, thinking that when I said something that I had, there was all this meaning behind it and that when he said something, I was gonna take it personal. And so he just wasn't seeing that so much had changed. He was still kind of responding to me in the same way, which is very confusing for me when I'm like, but I'm totally relaxed and nothing's wrong and what's going on. So Yeah. So like with Jasmine and I, I, I can say this from like the faith perspective, you know, where it was like, we, we both started with the same sort of faith and we had this sort of TAST agreement that like, okay, she hooks herself onto this kind of tail about what life is like. And I had hooked onto the other side. And then when the tail broke now, she wasn't hooked onto anything. And so there were these moments of like, are we connected? Are we married? What's going on? I don't even know what to make of this anymore. And a lot of really awkward moments where one of us would be like, are you okay? And they'd be like, no, I'm fine, but you can, you know, they're not fine, but they're not willing to budge on the fine thing. So fine stand for what Fixated, insecure and neurotic and emotional There. You have it folks.

(09:15): That's from the Italian job. It's a movie I, I, you know, it's interesting, like I didn't realize that who I was before, actually wasn't helping people because we've talked about this before, when you encourage someone, you give them your courage and what happens when you're not there. And so what I had done by trying to take care of everybody was actually not helpful to them and their development. Yeah. It cripples people. Yeah. And, and I'm horrified by that, cuz I don't want to harm anyone, you know, and I want them to stand on their own two feet and, and, and there's been times where like I have expressed anger, which I don't do, you know, and I've was uncomfortable with it, but people have always responded. Like I am so glad you said that because this needs to stop or, you know, like working out of my own power and, and who I am was not only good for me because I'm not holding that stuff anymore, but it's also good for those around me and, and really bringing the strength and bringing all of who I am. And, that's been a real challenge for people, for me to step into who I really am and um, and for them to step back and be like, okay, I guess I gotta take care of that.

(10:29): Yeah. So like you can get, it can go two ways. Amber and I were just having a conversation yesterday about what happens when somebody in your life is willing to just like show up and be real with wart and all, I hate the phrase, but like just, this is what's real in my life and this is where I'm going and they're not trying to pretend anything. And the kind of permission that that gives. Right? Yeah, absolutely. And I think it is, it really is the most loving thing. right. To just, just be able to let the other person be entirely themselves and you get to do the same thing. Um, and what I thought was that that could only happen when both people kind of had that agreement, right. That both people would be okay with it. It turns out that's not actually the case. when I just show up I'm there and my husband gets to be himself and I am myself. And even if he's not aware that that's what I'm doing, that relax, relaxation, spreads like it, it impacts them. And without them even knowing it, right. And then until they notice

(11:38): , I mean, those there's some things we worked on is in the early retreats too, especially where I would work physically with how like just your own relaxation, bleeds into other people, how you hug them, how you interact with them in that way. So that physically we're working with this, the difficulty here comes with, okay. If I show up on, if I, for instance, I put up, you know, five years ago I put up a video and I'm just telling the whole world, I should have told my family first. They just saw the video online and was like, what is happening? But I told the whole world, basically that Bob Gardner was a pervert. I mean a porn addict and, uh, had been to going through all this stuff and erectus kids and whatnot, and you know, police, officer, family, and all this other stuff.

(12:17): They're like, man, you have too much stuff online. That's like too much information. People are, you know, worried about security and they're calling Jasmine making sure she's okay. And okay. So I had a lot to learn about timing anyway, the rest of the world, the people that responded. Yeah. In the beginning, there were all these people that have all kinds of, you know, there's the people online that just think it's funny to make fun of people just cause whatever I got all kinds of comments, but there were a lot of people that responded really incredibly powerfully to me, just standing up and saying, look, this is what I did. I'm not like something special. I got out of this. But when it came to the people closest to me and stepping out and being real, not just about one aspect of life, too many of us like fake it. And we're like, I could be real here, but then I'm fake everywhere else. And to start to show up as me with the people that are close to me, like Jasmine, now there's the threat that they may not like what's there. So that was tough for me. Like to actually confront the possibility of rejection from somebody who had said yes years before, because she said yes to basically a facade.

(13:21): Yeah. I'm thinking too, like when I start to walk in health, the people around me that I enabled their ill health are forced to deal with their ill health. Yep. And that's not a journey that they've chosen, you know, it's like, I chose it for me and because I chose it for me, I'm not re I'm not doing things for them that force them to deal with who they are. And, and that's a shock to people. Yeah. Because it like, like my world is, is getting better and their world is getting worse. And it's just kind of the nature of the journey. Yeah. Jasmine said that so many times she was like, I didn't, I didn't ask for this. She didn't ask for the addictive thing. She didn't ask for all of the turmoil that came from me getting over the addictive thing. She didn't ask any of that. Right. And well, in my situation with Josh, he had been waiting for a decade for me to go back to the person that he knew before. right. And thought that that was gonna happen. And we were gonna just be the way that it once was. And I was sitting here like, oh my gosh, I've done all this stuff. And I've worked really hard. And I look at it's, you're gonna like me a little bit better. Maybe even like, maybe even you'll enjoy this more. Right. I'm not taking things so personal and not trying to control the conversation. And, but that's, he didn't ask for it. He didn't understand what was happening cuz he wasn't inside my head. right. It was like a brand new relationship and he was just getting the memo. Right.

(14:50): So I think it's hard to, I mean like when we experience so much joy and freedom, like we want everyone around us yes. To do the same. And like you can't make that happen for them as much as you love them and want to make it happen. I just can't. I mean, I can be me and I can, I can use some of the things that I've learned in the way of questions and thinking about, you know, story and uh, challenging where people are at, if they ask for it. Right. But if they don't ask for it, that's a different scenario as well. Yeah. You have to remember that. Like if you are sitting there telling somebody like you there's, you could be so much happier. What they're hearing is you're saying you look like a miserable old tard, you know, and whether that's what they're, they're aware of hearing, basically there's an accusation, a non like unintentional accusation that, Hey, I think that you are less than me and I can save you. Oh boy, this sounds gross. You know, when it comes out that way, but that's really do. We do this to our kids when we tell our kids, oh, they should be good. Or they're getting the judgment that they're not good. That's not something they want to grow up with. And so everywhere around you, you become happy. And if you start trying to push that on other people, without them saying like, look you have something I would like to learn. Then what they end up getting is accusation and judgment.

(16:19): If you or someone, you know, is looking to drop the FBO of freedom in their life, whether that's from past trauma, depression, anxiety, addiction, or any other host of emotional and personal struggles. But they just don't know how or want some help doing it. Head on over to the freedom specialist.com/feel better now and check out some of the things we've got in store for you or book a call. So we can look at your unique situation and get you the help that you're looking for. It's like getting some great food that tastes amazing. And you're like, Hey, you gotta taste this. You gotta taste this. And people are like, I just ate. I don't need the, you know what I saying? Mm-hmm but like you're so excited because you want everyone to experience the same thing that you did. And, the hard thing is that not everybody's experience is gonna be your experience. It's not gonna be the same way, but the invitation then excitement is certainly there. That can be in the front, I think, to some people.

(17:15): Absolutely. So let's talk about the fear that can come in from other people when suddenly, so cuz there's like a social agreement, right? You've been in a relation for a long time. You know, I had this with my mom for instance. And you know, she, I don't know what happened to her as a kid. Like she's, we haven't really talked a lot about it. Um, it's not a topic that she really wants. She's interested in talking about and I'm not interested in fixing my mom. She's great. And so, but like our conversations beforehand used to be, she was a teacher. And so we'd get on the phone, we'd talk about this, that or the other like basics. And then she would proceed to then tell me about her day at school. Now she might not have seen it as complaining at all. But all I heard was like, okay, now she's gonna complain about the parents and the kids and who did this and who did that?

(18:01): And, I hated it. Right. And so all of a sudden, but, but see, I was sitting there not being honest with her, I was sitting there like pretending to be supportive and whatnot. Nobody, nobody wants to find out a year later, like, oh, everyone's been tolerating me. Oh that's yummy. Like that boy, that's a swift kick to the go edge, even if you're not a guy. Right. Um, so, so like all of a sudden I'm just like, I'm not interested in listening to it anymore. I don't, I, it's not something that fills my life with joy or something. And, and I don't think it fills anybody. Else's life with joy of like, oh, you be miserable so I can be happy. That's not what support is. That's coach stupidity. And so I just stopped being willing to listen. And I was like, cool. You know, whatever.

(18:47): And I talk about this, that or the other, or I called a little bit less and still like, sometimes she'll wanna talk about some things, but it's apparently quick that I'm like, yeah. Okay. That's cool. And then I'll change the subject or I'll I'll do, but I just stopped having, I didn't, I wasn't mean about it, but I just was not interested in that kind of conversation anymore. And now she had to deal with the fact that like the only way she knew how to talk to her son was about school and about the things going on in her life. And now he was not really engaging. And so now she's losing her son in some way, shape or form. So there's a fear that comes up. Have you noticed this in other people where they like recoil or they're, they're like, uh,

(19:26): I mean, there's certainly a, a, a stunned quality of, it's almost like everyone's sitting around watching a traffic accident. , you know, you know what I'm saying? And some people walk away and some people are maimed and, you know, whatever, but like some of my friends were on the sidelines, like what just happened? And then like, who is this guy? You know? Um, and I've had the real fortunate privilege that two of my friends have actually come to a freedom retreat and just be able to share the same lingo and talk about the same experiences. And for them to have their experiences were dramatically different than mine. And you know, like, like the retreat met them right. Where they were at their story. Wasn't my story. But it's been so great. I mean, just, even on the way here to get a Marco polo from a friend of mine, it's like, things are going great.

(20:14): And like I knew exactly what she was talking about and she referred to the retreat and that was just such a huge blessing, uh, that, that they would enter this world with me. Uh, but, but really the invitation to freedom, uh, uh, I don't know, it's the greatest gift I can give to someone because it feels like the greatest gift that was given to me. Um, but, but everybody certainly does have to adjust. And if they're willing to enter that world, uh, or my world or the freedom I'm experience, it's, that's been a huge blessing to me.

(20:45): So Jasmine, I only started to change when I stopped wanting her to change. And then so, and I, it's not that she wasn't like exploring life or anything, but in some way, shape or form, there was this weird, like I've experienced this and I think it's amazing and you should experience it too. And so there wa it was like an energy in the background that she could like almost feel. And when I finally was like willing to be like, dude, this person gets to be who they are. They can stay the same for the rest of their life. And I didn't need for them to change that there was no requirement that anybody be anything different than they are. So I stopped even offering things, unless it seemed like, Hey, you know, this might help, not help, whatever. Uh, I stopped letting her know that I was available to help in one way.

(21:32): She, I mean, I'd already told her, like, I don't know how many hundreds of times. And she was probably like, I'm not stupid. I got it on at least the second time, if not the first, you know? And so like, I just stopped. Like, I was just like, okay, cool. She gets to do her thing and I'll, I'll enjoy my life. And then she can enjoy hers then all of a sudden, and it wasn't immediate, but like, you know, all of a sudden, like months later, a couple months later she starts doing something or exploring something that isn't necessarily something that I would choose, but it's like a change we used to be so different. I mean, even on the podcast, we, when we talked about, we were like way different and, uh, that's changed since then. Even like when she brought up a conversation and I was like, who are you a strange lady? This is my wheelhouse. Why are we talking about this? but it came up in a really organic way. And it's something that she kind of felt her way into. And that doesn't mean I'm right. That she should live my life my way. It's just that I stopped, requiring her to do whatever. And suddenly like change started happening because she wasn't being attacked all the time. Have you seen that in Josh?

(22:36): Oh, absolutely. Yes. So I also offered and offered and offered to the point that he said, actually not all that long ago, he said, I have a question for you. Do you know that? I know you're willing to help me if I ask you okay. All right. Got it. but yeah, no, it was really, for me, it was coming from this place of just wanting for his happiness so much. I mean, this thing had happened. He'd been through all this time with me of illness, addiction or whatever was going on with all of that stuff. And then, and then he was married to somebody who had completely changed, who has like the blueprint for that. Right. What's what is he supposed to do with that? And then, then he's, you know, also got whatever it is he's dealing with from all those 10 years and anything else in his own life.

(23:32): I mean, he, yeah. Work, absolutely fire captain, and there's a lot, a lot there. And so I definitely was, felt really eager. Like, oh man, I just there's so much here. He could be so happy. He could see like set all this tension down. This could be so different for him. And then it was you of course, telling me like, he does not have to change. There's no requirement that he changed and kind of broke my brain for a minute because I'd heard you say it before about Jasmine, but I was like, wait, but no, isn't it. But, uh, I love him and if I love him, don't I want him to be happy. And if I want him to be happy, I know the way, and I know how to do it. He Must be happy Like me and he's gotta be happy like me. And so I spent a few days with really like, if he never ever changed, is that okay? And when I really could look at him and just be like, if nothing changed, and this was what it was for forever, then I really am okay with that. It was not that much longer after really, really being okay with him being whatever way that he was, however he was feeling, um, that it felt like some relaxation, some space opened up there for him to say the things he wanted to say. And I mean, it wasn't me that did it. He did it, but I relaxed my desire for him to do something different.

(24:59): Yeah. People like, I think it's really important to recognize that everybody solves problems a different way. And that's something that we've tried to really pay attention to with how we operate as a business. You know, we've, we've, we've looked into it a number of different ways to really assess how a person solves their problems so that we can meet them where they're at. Right. And so when I met with Josh, for instance, like I wasn't talking to him the way that I talked to you, Amber, because you solve problems much more like I did, which is like dive head first in. If it hurts, cool, we'll turn left, you know, you know, and that's not the way he solves problems and he solves problems exceptionally well, just not the way that I do or you do. And Jasmine is the same thing. She solves problems so differently than I do that.

(25:42): It's like almost like a running joke. At this point. I just dropped her off at the airport this morning with the older boys. And I was like, okay, go, you guys are, are you going on a trip? Just so you know, if things go haywire and your mom's trying to figure something out and you guys start offering some opinions, don't be surprised if she shoots them all down. Um, because that's her way of solving a problem is to assess what might go wrong first before then turning around and going like, okay, now that I know what might go wrong, let me go figure out what logistics need to be made, handled, and how we can set this up in a step by step process. And so that's not how I did it. So for the longest time I was like offering solutions and then she'd shoot 'em down and then I'd get all huffy and be like, you know, temper tantrum.

(26:23): Well, I'm, you know, I'm the only one trying to solve this problem here. Obviously, if you are just determined to see only bad stuff and solutions and stay where you're at fine, you know, that was in my head. I didn't actually say that to her cuz I'm not sure that would've gone over well, but that was totally in my head but the thing is, is when they have the space to solve the problem, their own way, because you are not imposing either the demand that they change or the solution, then suddenly they start naturally changing things just because now they can and they're allowed to play to their own strengths. And it is remarkable to behold because one, I'm not taking responsibility for the changes with Jasmine. Like I'm not, she's taking responsibility. I'm no longer like coddling her or saving her from like a frustrated thing here or something there. And so now she looks at that and because there's nobody else reacting, she can't blame anybody else. And so she gets to look at that and that's forced her to do some things that I think have been beautiful to watch just to see her shift and, and adjust and adapt. She was always capable of it, but because I was busy trying to impose happiness on her, she like anybody was like back off BKO. And so what have you seen Lee with like your business partners and stuff in that regard?

(27:43): I, I, I was thinking that there's, uh, like the, the methods and the tools that you've come up with are amazing and they're your tools and methods. And so like, like how do I, as an individual incorporate those things or put them on and how do they fit with me? And, and you've helped me along in this process to like how my brain works and how I think and how I approach people. Um, and so like, I've had an awkward time adjusting to make these tools, my own, and the people around me have had the same deal. But now we, at the point in, in the nonprofit that I work with, where the guy that I work with is quoting me. And in all actuality, I'm quoting you , but it's in my words, you know? But, um, it's, it's been fun because, because it's, it's like we, we ride in your wake in many ways.

(28:40): Like you've been out there driving the boat and we get on behind on, on our skis or the surfboard or whatever. And then there's people behind us as well. And they're all, there's a saying that, that I love when I was a executive director of a conference center, a board member told me the, the only sled dog with a good view is the one in front. And , you know, so like everyone else is getting is second and third. And I, and I keep inviting them to the retreat and, and stuff like that. Like Bob says it much better than I do, but you know, but like, like everything that I do every per, you know, I'm challenging people like, oh, that's a, that's a cute story, you know? And that's funny. And what story are you telling yourself? And I sat with a guy the other day for an afternoon and in the middle of it, he was like, well, my dad doesn't love me and da, da, da.

(29:27): And I'm like, well, that's a cute story. And, uh, for a moment, there's this flash of anger. And then there's like this resolve, like, like in that moment they put that story and it's appropriate place. And then there's a conversation. Um, but there is times that he wept and I just wrote it out with him. And like, where are you at? Where are you doing? And at the end of the conversation, mostly with things that I've learned from you, he said that, you know, in the last hour and a half, I've had more healing than I have in four years of going to counseling. And, and that's because I've taken what you've taught me and I've tried to make it my own and in my world and my words and stuff like that. And that's the beauty of it, you know, like it, like your story doesn't have to be my story, but you have made a way and those methods, uh, can work in a lot of different stories and it doesn't have to be my story of abuse or Amber's story of addiction or, or whatever. But like, we get to make that our own and it's, and it's really a beautiful thing.

(30:27): One of the sweetest feelings I had when I first started doing this was Tucker came in and you guys will get to hear from Tucker, uh, in the next couple weeks, somewhere along the way. But he came in and he was early on and he really loved what we were doing. And he said, I want, I wanna do this for a living. Like, how can I help? And I, I was doing it all by myself at that point in time and, you know, kind of playing with burnout a lot, cause I really wanted to help as many people as possible. So I was like, okay. And so he came to learn how to do what it is that we do. And the first client he took through anything was his sister. And I didn't, I never talked to her at all. And so one day I was just going through the old files and there was a question that we used to ask people, you know, like, you know, when they finished, like, did you win?

(31:09): Did you really get what you came for? And which is kind of a gutsy question to ask, cuz you never liked the answer. Like, no, I didn't win, but I really wanted people to get results then. And if they didn't, I really wanted to make it better. But I look down there at that blinking cursor right in front of her statement that says, yes, I won, I don't hate myself anymore. I don't stand in front of the mirror and wanna kill myself every day. I actually can feel joy and happiness. And I was sitting there feeling a kind of, uh, experience that I'd never witnessed before, because it was something that I made and somebody else used it to help another person. And I wasn't involved at all. And it was this clean joy that was like, wow, like really this stuff is legit. It's not just me forcing it on people.

(32:00): It like really does help people. And it was so powerful and that comes from Tucker really embodied it. I mean he really asked questions. He dove in head first and just really wanted shift for himself and to understand what was going on. And that's possible for you listening for everybody. It starts with the basics. The reason this stuff is so accessible to people and the reason I wanted to do it this way was one. I was a skeptic. And so I wanted to know the stuff worked. I didn't want to just believe the stuff worked. And two it's really rooted in the only things I can work with, which is my, my thought processes and my body, all the rest of it. I know all the theories, all that stuff. I had to throw it all out because those are not things I could work with as I focused on simply just those things and develop these body based practices that clean the mind out that really retrain the nervous system in a way that like is you feel better and you're responding to things.

(32:58): And then you surprise yourself where you're like, wow, I did that totally differently. And you're not having to try. That's really the kind of freedom I wanted. The one that happened that, that took me by the sales and just surprised me instead of me, surprise having to hunt it down all the time. And because of that, because it's rooted in biology and practicality, that's why it's been something that's so adaptable to so many people. And so if you're listening and you've been through this experience, I want you to recognize that the people around you don't need to change. They are beautiful as they are. And if you are still in your life going, but, but, but they could be so much better that's you judging them and that judgment is straining your relationship. And I bet that that judgment is also happening with yourself that you think you need to be better as well.

(33:45): Because often what we do to other people is something we're doing to ourselves. And so take a look at that. Are you willing to say, if I never changed, would I be okay with me cuz then I think you'll find some of the big things that, that you've been really struggling with, that you haven't been able to see very clearly. The second thing is once you do shift and once you're finally okay with people as they are, they will, they often not will, but they often do come to you and they want, they want help or they wanna talk or they wanted something and it'll be tempting to go and just coddle them in their story. You don't have to, you don't have to challenge it. You don't have to be like me or Lee or Amber or anything else, but you can be a beacon of light for them because everywhere else they're being told, they're doomed that life is hard. It's suffering, it's in affliction. And I'll tell you something. Anybody saying that isn't talking about life, they're talking about how they feel. Those are two very, very different thanks.

And that's it for today's alive and free podcast. If you enjoyed this show and want some more freedom bombs landing in your earbuds, subscribe right now at wherever you get your podcast from. And while you're at it, give us a rating and a review. It'll help us keep delivering a great stuff to you. Plus it's just nice to be nice.

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