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Almost every trauma started in your childhood. And no parent wants to repeat this trauma cycle with their children. Parenting is already hard enough, and not knowing what the future holds makes your job 100x harder. 

How can you raise your children to live a happy and trauma-free life? 

In this episode, Jasmine and I reveal how our two differing parenting styles complement each other. And how you can do this with your spouse and your kids. 

Listen now and give your children an advantage throughout the rest of their life. 

Show highlights include:

  • Why almost all of your problems started in your childhood (and how to raise children without burdening them like you were) (1:17) 
  • How one awkward conversation as a kid tricks you into thinking everyone notices your awkwardness throughout your life (1:41) 
  • The weird way an online personality test makes you and your spouse better parents (2:39) 
  • How to prevent your children from having meltdowns for good (8:11) 
  • The “Play to your Strengths” method for parenting which gives your kids the best chance at a happy and trauma-free life (8:52) 
  • How to have the birds and the bees talk with your kids (and the best age to have this tough conversation) (12:03) 
  • Why deflecting uncomfortable questions your children ask you detonates their trust in you (15:44) 
  • How making your kids choose their own consequences for acting out helps them learn from their mistakes better than you laying down the law (23:14) 
  • The “Reflection Strategy” for confronting bad behavior (without making your kids rebel against you) (28:17) 

If you want to radically change how much control you have over your emotions in as little as 20 days, you can go to https://thefreedomspecialist.com/feelbetternow and sign up for the Choose Your Own Emotion course. 

If you or somebody you know is looking to drop the ‘F’ Bomb of freedom in your life and break free from addiction, depression, anxiety or anything that’s making you feel flat-out stuck, head over to https://thefreedomspecialist.com/ and book a call where we can look at your unique situation and give you the roadmap you’ve been missing.

If you’d like to buy a copy of my book, Is That Even Possible?: The Nuts and Bolts of Energy Healing for the Curious, Wary, and Totally Bewildered, you can find it on Amazon here: https://www.amazon.com/That-Even-Possible-Healing-Bewildered/dp/1512336041

Read Full Transcript

It's time to rip the cover off what really works to ditch addiction, depression, anger, anxiety, and all other kinds of human suffering. No, not sobriety. We're talking the F-word here: Freedom. We'll share, straight from the trenches, what we have learned from leaving our own addictions behind, and coaching hundreds of others to do the same—and since it's such a heavy topic, we might as well have a good time while we're at it. [00:27.6]

(00:35): Welcome back to the alive and free podcast. And now it's time to talk about parenting. And you know, what's interesting is that the focus of this podcast is on giving you the insights or tools or clarity to be able to live a life that is both full of life. And also free of all the constraints, the expectations, the shoulds that tend to pull a person down. And aren't absolutely necessary to experience a really high level of freedom in your life. And this is where the rubber hits the road is I parenting because a lot of the people almo pretty much everybody that we've ever worked with hundreds and hundreds were nearing on a thousand people at this stage in the game. And a lot of the people that we've worked with most of their struggles come from how they were raised. They grew up how they feel about themselves as a response to that.

(01:26): And that's not just trauma. That's also just the fact that as little kids, you make up stories about what's going on and if no, one's there to help you see through those stories, they just stay. So if you felt like you were awkward as a kid, and that's the story that stuck, then you grow up feeling awkward and everything in your life that plays into that you just see, see as evidence, see I'm awkward yet. There are billions of times when you're not awkward. And so what is the job of a parent, but to be there in a way that'll help the kid one, not die that, and then two to grow up in a way where they too can be alive and free. So in many ways, parenting is where we take everything we've been talking about on this podcast and make it accessible to a younger generation. So Jasmine and I are pretty much aligned on the way we think about parenting, but we have different approaches. Would you say that?

(02:22): Yeah. I mean, I think my role as apparent is definitely more the heavy handed enforcer, Apparently One parently. So Jasmine really likes structure in general. Oh, if you guys haven't ever done this@kolbe.com, colby.com, they do assessments called the Colby a assessment. They do these for corporations and stuff as well. The, a assessment is a personal one and Jasmine and I did this A couple years ago, A few years back. And well, he did it because he made me do it. Yes.

(02:59): But it was so eyeopening to us because it really helped me see just how much we genuinely operate differently. And yeah, like when it comes to information more or less the same, she tends to like a little bit more information than I do. Yeah. I tend to want key information more than she does. I think when it comes to spaces is a little bit more hands on with a physical space than I am, but both of us are kind of in the same boat, but when it comes to systems and routines and whatnot, let's just put it this way. When Jasmine solves a problem I have a system and a routine. And Bob has none

(03:36): That, that apparently is part of her problem solving that Bob has none. She will schedule it on the calendar or she will create a checklist or she will do things like that. And at the same time, one of their go-to things is also to make sure that everybody's taken care of that no risks are being overtaken. That any possible risks in the future are avoided right now, as she's creating this system. Right? Sure. I am the exact opposite. I am there to innovate a solution based on the one specific situation and only that situation, which means I'm winging it almost all of the time. I handle surprise and chaos exceptionally well. I've trained martial arts, which is pretty much all surprising chaos. And I'm constantly improving on breaking down systems, putting them back together. It's what enabled me to figure all this stuff out where all of the rest of the industry and all the rest of the people talking about it have missed massive pieces of information because I was able to synthesize that. But when it comes to us solving problems together, well, that has been before we did this. It was a real, the huge struggle because, well, there's a problem that comes up. Bob's automatically creating solutions. Jasmine is automatically shooting them down, Shooting them down pigeons Pretty soon. Bob doesn't wanna answer the pro come up with a solution.

(04:55): I don't wanna ask him for anything because he's like, I'm apparently the only one that wants to solve this. You're just creating problems. But that actually is her way of solving problem is, is to foresee difficulty and then create a system that will circumvent that right. Take the path that has either no obstacles or the least amount of obstacles, easier path through it. Bobs is just, let's blow all the obstacles out of the water and plow right through.

(05:22): If we were to take this like a ski run, she's gonna go down the sloping smooth trail, and I'm gonna take the jumps basically. That's how that runs. Sure. I don't ski. So I probably would just roll down the bunny hill and call it a day. But the point is we off pray differently and that isn't a bad thing. That is a huge, great thing. So when it comes to, for instance, family vacations, now she,

(05:50): I plan it cuz and actually that I like to do that. So I plan it. I make sure everything's in order, I get us all settled and set packed and everything. And then anything that comes up Bob's in charge. Right? So I handle all of the difficult. So she's planning Christmas. She's looking for Christmas deals early in the year. Last year she had some presents in may. Wow. And you know, usually I'm but like, honestly that's pretty typical. So not wow. Normal for me.

(06:24): And you know, I'm thinking about it, you know? Oh yeah. Christmas is coming, whatever here and there, every now and again. But usually it's like a couple weeks before I'm like, oh, do I have presents for everyone? Oh, I should probably do something like this. Right. Because it's really, oh, did Jasmine get presents for everyone? I need to get something for Jasmine.

(06:40): Right? Jasmine takes care of everybody in a big way if I had to, I would. But it would always probably be more or less last minute. That's yeah. And I do well last minute. So this isn't a, this isn't a, oh Jasmine's approach is better. It is more responsible to the people that operate way. But to the people that operate my way, it is way too much work when that work isn't needed to be done. And that effort is best spent in other places. So everybody is different. So when it comes to parenting, Jasmine wants to have some structure and there are some of our kids, especially our third, Our second and third who really thrive on structure. Yeah. They need to know how of the day gonna be built. What's gonna happen next if everybody's gonna be taken care of. And if that's not there, especially number three, he can't function like he's frozen.

(07:27): Yeah. He, so number three, he, he will really just kind of freeze and like he'll stand there, get a kind of a blank stare on his face. Just trying to pro like one day he didn't get snack time because he was still cleaning his room. And I told him they had to finish cleaning their rooms before they got snack. And they just played in their room. They were having a great time, but it didn't get cleaned. Snack time came and went. And then I called them down for dinner. Actually, they didn't care about food. They weren't asking for snacks. They were just having good time playing. I called him down to dinner and he just kind of froze because he is like, but I didn't get a snack. He was like, oh, well it's time for dinner. Come on. And he's like, he could not handle the fact that he missed snack time.

(08:11): And then our, our second in elementary school, probably in first grade or so, he was just having meltdowns every single morning. And I figured out if the night before I could prep him and say, okay, what clothes are you gonna wear tomorrow? This is what we are having for breakfast. And then we're gonna do this and this in the morning. And then we're gonna go to school meltdowns eliminated, like he had expectations that of how the morning was going. And when it didn't go that way, he could, I didn't handle it. So once we kind of talked about it, mornings went a whole lot smoother.

(08:45): So part of this is the freedom to operate the way that you are designed to operate the way that you have figured out how to navigate the world. In other words, to play to your strengths, most of the education system is built around a certain set of strengths. For instance, people that research and they, they gather a lot of information and they read books and they do homework in a certain processes and stuff and education isn't built for people, for instance, that learn with their hands very well. Now there are some education systems that do that and others that don't, but generally speaking hands on learning is it they're trying to incorporate it, but it's with multiple intelligences and stuff like that with Howard Gardner's work and whatnot in, in the schools. But it's still predominantly focused toward people who are very big on data and research and people who follow systems really well.

(09:34): So when it comes to innovation, even though schools want to claim innovation, the system isn't set up to really promote that super well in most cases, but as a person, your ability to thrive sort of depends on your ability to not always just play to your handicaps and instead play to your strengths. Yes, they want you to do do this project. How can you use your own strengths to do that? As an example in the business the CEO of my business, Tucker, who is an early client and became a partner early on, has helped coach a lot of PE people. He's really big on research. So when it's time to go solve a problem, he'll go get a bunch of information and he'll read a bunch of books, whereas I'll just start trying stuff. And Jeff, Jasmine will put a checklist together and try and make sure where things are gonna go off three different approaches to the same problem.

(10:21): When he doesn't have, when Tucker doesn't have enough information, he can't make a decision. Me, if you gimme too much information, I can't make a decision. Jasmine. If you're giving her the wrong kind of information, she needs to know who's gonna, who's gonna be or where it's gonna go down and, and all that other stuff. So it's very, very different for each of us. And with you as a couple husband and wife, you need to learn what those strengths are. The Colby assessment is a great one to start learning about that. There are obviously all kinds of strength, finders and other personality things online. If you, if you jive with those, this one was simple and direct and easy to comprehend from a, and it's helped a lot of clients too. So I highly recommend it. So with your kids too, they're each different. And each one needs to be given the chance to figure things out and play to their strengths.

(11:09): So that comes down to more or less our parenting strategy, which is we want our kids to be a hundred percent self-sufficient or as close to that as can get them to before they move out of the house so that they have live-in coaches all the way. And they're living in the real world before they actually move out. And we want them to make all of their mistakes before their felonies, because then they have some people that can help. 'em Sort it out and they can learn to be independent emotionally, even financially to whatever extent we can make that happen. And they can learn to cook. They can learn to do their laundry and all this other stuff. So everything that we're doing as parents is to prepare them to that end, to give them the information, to help 'em understand their natural strengths and whatnot. Yes.

(11:56): That was a very eloquent. Yes, Jasmine. I know. That's all I got. So the question that comes to us, especially around the big things that the kids are gonna run into usually is around. Okay. What about the sex talk? Talk to me about your, she hasn't done this yet because we only have one girl and that girl is coming up on it. I say It is so easy for me. I haven't had to do it. Wow. We have, we've had four boys so far and we usually give it at around age eight,

(12:27): Depending on maturity level and what they're asking and stuff like that. So around age eight and, and I have Bob do it, he usually takes him for a walk drive in the car or something. And then afterwards, I come in to the conversation and we talk a little bit more about it. See if they have any questions from the mom's point of view, that kind of thing. But we do that with more than just the first sex talk. We do it with a lot of cuz you don't, you don't wanna just give them one and say, Hey, it's good. You know,

(12:56): Like gets, so my dad tried and I didn't even know the topic of conversation. He just asked if I had any questions. And I said, no, and that was it. So, So give him the talk. We like to do it earlier when hormones are not a factor really in the matter, it's just kind of straightforward. This is what it is. Factual. Not really any emotions about it for the kids anyway, then interesting. Sometimes, maybe a little bit uncomfortable, but we try and make it as, you know, just, this is what it is as possible. I'm I assume I haven't given the talk, but that's what I do when I come in afterwards. And then, you know, there's follow ups. There's how you do one there's, you know, all different kinds of things that we, we do to because as they do grow and then as their hormones do come in, they're gonna have different questions. They're gonna have different responses to things. And we want to just make sure that the conversations stay is open and that they feel comfortable talking to us about

(13:58): That. Yeah. And part of that is not reacting emotionally to the fact that little kids don't understand the words that are coming out of their mouth. As of, for instance, one Sunday, our little girl came to me and she said, dad, I wanna watch some pornography now, backstory quick backstory, Jasmine and I we're dancers. We did a thing called choreography a lot. And there's a Bing Crosby show called white Christmas. Maybe you've heard of it where there's a, a tune called it's not dance it's choreography or whatever it is. So she's had these things in her head, but she also hears the conversations that I have with other people. So she's like, dad, I wanna watch some pornography. If I had been like, what, what are you thinking? That's bad that would've led something very different to what actually happened. I said, okay, what exactly do you mean by pornography?

(14:49): Tell me about that. And then she described, you know, well, it's not dance. It's cor it's this it's pornography. She said, and she described dance members. I was like, oh, that's choreography. And then we gotta have a talk about what pornography was, because obviously she didn't know the difference, but it was a very different conversation than if I had just freaked out. So if you are emotional uncomfortable with things, the worst thing you can do is react out of that space with your kid and try and pretend like you have it all together. And like, you know, everything, they don't actually know what they're asking most of the time when I was a kid, I've told the story before. So I'll briefly mention it. My, I asked my dad what a condom was in the middle of a department store. And he told me it was an emergency water back.

(15:33): And he did that, you know, for whatever reasons I haven't actually grilled him on why all the reasons he was. He did that, but it was basically, I mean, that's what they use it for in the air force. You know, it can hold water. So there is that, but he kind of deflected the question because it was uncomfortable. And so I was like, well, that's weird cuz my friends wanted a year supply of those. Why would you want your supply of emergency water bags? Anyway, at the end of that, I just kind of learned later some years later with a TV show, what a, what a condom was. And I also learned from that conversation that, oh my dad's not gonna answer these questions straight. I'm not gonna be able to trust him. And he didn't intend for that at all. He did the best.

(16:09): He knew how, and it was an uncomfortable topic and it's not like he was trained in it, but because of that unwillingness to just be a real person and to have the need to be in control of the situation, then suddenly like I learned to not go to him for information. And then that led eventually to me go getting curious and snooping around online and finding pornography and testing out the waterworks and all that other stuff from the there. So I can't say that I wouldn't have done that anyway, but that definitely was a contributing factor.

(16:39): If you or someone, you know, is looking to drop the FBO of freedom in their life, whether that's from past trauma, depression, anxiety, addiction, or any other host of emotional and personal struggles, but they just don't know how or want some help doing it, head on over to the freedom specialist.com/feel better now and check out some of the things we've got in store for you or book a call. So we can look at your unique situation and get you the help that you're looking for.

(17:10): Well, I remember there was one time when I had to run the grocery store really fast and I had my oldest with me and he was probably 11 or 12 at the time, maybe 10, I don't know. But I had to get some more pads, like it was on my list and I didn't wanna have to not get him and go back, but he was following me. So I was like, whatever, we're just gonna do it. So I go down the maxi pad aisle and I grab it and he just looks over and he's like, maxi pads, what are those for? And I'm I kind of did, you know this like sidelong glance down, both sides of the aisle. There wasn't anybody in that specific aisle. So I was like, well, let's do this. So I just, you know, it was really a short 32nd version of why women might need to use maxi pads. And his face in the store was just like, Why would you do that? You know, he was just like, okay. And I was just like, do you have more questions? He was like, no, No,

(18:14): He was done. But you know, like I don't know whether that was the best place where I probably could have said, I could tell you later. And maybe I would have, if it was packed with people, but there was nobody there. I felt it was as good as places as any. And you, it worked out okay.

(18:31): The more normal you make it, the less reactive you are to the situation. The less they'll think it, that it's something big and that they need to explore and that they need to freak out about. These are just facts of life. Everybody is born with sexual genitalia. I'm pretty sure I can't think of anybody who hasn't been in the Guinness book of records or something maybe, but everybody's born with it. It's a part it's a natural part of human life. And if we start to treat it like it's something that shouldn't be talked about or should be talked about over the top of other things like modern media does. If you start to exaggerate its place in life, then they get an exaggerated view of it. And then that exaggeration leads them to be behave as if it's bigger or smaller than it really is.

(19:13): It's just a little over 2% of your DNA that makes you male or female, that's it. And if you're gonna treat it as if it's this 10% problem or 50% problem or the biggest plague in the world today, then what happens is that people operate around it. Like it's this big fearful thing. And that's what leads to them being controlled by that kind of behavior. So I have retreats. We, I, my, my oldest sons have been helping out in those for a while and they've seen men and women from all different walks of life. Not all of them have been suffered from sexual abuse or other things, but they've been around it. It's just normal, common fair for them. And their relationship to that part of humanity is very, very different than your average teenager, because, well, they've seen more and it hasn't been hidden from them.

(20:00): And so there's not a lot that they can really get curious about that. We haven't already talked about it. Hasn't been on the table. Not everybody has, I guess, this luxury of running a business like this, it's such a luxury. They don't have the luxury of living in an addiction for 18 years. Been coming out of it. The point is like, we keep it very, very open. Now the conversations I have with them are straightforward. I try not to tell them what they should and should not do for the very reason that that very language made me respond in the way that I did growing up. You shouldn't do this. You should do that because when I wasn't doing it fine, but at the moment I did it once this heap of guilt and this mountain of your broken and you'll never get better and you've done this wrong thing.

(20:50): And it's the most horrible thing in the world. And you should be ashamed of yourself, fell on me, predominantly created by me, but as a result of all of that kind of rhetoric. And so I try to keep it very straightforward. And this has been my experience with pornography. This has been my experience with masturbation. This is what happens. It feels great. It's a wonderful, beautiful part of human life. And it has led me also down all these other side roads that ended up in this situation and this situation and that one. And so I highly highly recommend just for now, if you got questions asked and like, if I, I recommend waiting, wait till you're married, wait till you have someone else that you can explore that with. Now. Some of you don't believe that marriage isn't is necessary. And obviously that's up to you as parents to figure that out.

(21:36): But I, I would recommend it, but then I would end that by saying, look, kid, whatever you decide, I wanna be a part of your life. If for some strange reason you end up in jail, I wanna come visit. Can I be one of your, of visitors? I wanna be, I wanna know what's going on. I wanna be a part of the life, your life. I want to hear what's happening with you. And if I don't have an answer, then I would really, really like to help find, figure one out and, and, and do that with you. And so I'm constantly when I'm talking to them, working on making sure that the conversation isn't one of shame or of guilt or of you're gonna do something wrong or of fear, but one of like, wow, this is life. This is what I've learned from my experience. And I want you to do the same. I want you to really pay attention, see what works, see what doesn't work, watch how it's affecting other people's lives and use that to inform your own. Jasmine has a slightly different approach because rules and structure are very, very helpful for some of our kids and for her. So you wanna talk about that?

(22:38): I probably just encourage or try to encourage certain behaviors more than Bob does. He's he's a lot more the word. I don't know. I, I feel like I have to lay down the law a lot more than Bob does,

(22:55): And that comes back to the way that we solve challenges, right? The we're we're confronting this thing called life, her way of doing it is like, let's look at risks and let's find a path that is gonna work for everybody. And that is gonna be, that is like reliable and whatnot, where my approach she's gonna be let's wing it. What does the situation call for

(23:13): Also in, in regards to like consequences? You know, if, if one of our kids does make a choice that isn't what they were supposed to be doing at the time, we, we really try to make the consequences one related to the action. It's not a punishment. It's just, you know, Hey, something has to follow this and we'd like it to be a learning experience. So the past few times that that's happened, we have encouraged them to come up with their own consequence approved by us.

(23:47): Yeah. Let's give an example with the phones, cuz I think that's a really important one. And a lot of people have questions around phones and electronics. And so, so basic layout is, Jasmine's like, cool. If we're gonna give you a phone, you're gonna have a contract. These are the terms and stipulations of the phone. If not, you don't get it. Right. So I, I actually type up a contract, they sign it, I sign it. Nobody ever sees it again. It's not it's probably, But it happens.

(24:10): And that involves like at a certain time and day seven, seven O'clock so the, the time limits, usually they're, they're supposed to not have really access to anything besides color, text from seven in the morning. And then depending on the kid and the day, whatever time at night, like if they're hanging out with friends, I'm not gonna turn off all their stuff at seven o'clock at night on a weekend, but there's certain times where they just have limited access to their phones. I think all three of them, maybe just two of 'em at this point, don't have access to the internet on their phones or they are only allowed certain websites like the church website or the school website or PBS kids or yeah. Things like that. So it's or du lingo or things

(24:56): Like that. It's pretty limited access to apps and websites on their phone. Now our goal is that by the time they're hopefully 16, 17 went in there, they can have full access. We wanna work up our sense of trust that they can handle it so that they are, they have full access and full rain on all this stuff before they leave home so that they don't leave home and go like I'm free,

(25:19): Let's try everything. And so we, we want them to get that before they leave home. And so that's what we're working toward. Right. But each kid at the pace that allows, right. So that's the backdrop. Yeah. And we're not gonna just toss 'em in a pot of boiling water, you know, we're, we're trying to teac them. We prefer to tell we've diverted to boil the water while they're in slowly accustom them to it.

(25:41): But so that's kind of the backdrop now when it comes to consequences, here's what I happened recently. One of our kids, we, we were out on a date. So as Halloween and I, I took her to an Andrea Belli concert. Yes. We accidentally really scheduled it on the day before Halloween, which is since Halloween was on a Sunday last year, our neighborhood did Halloween on Saturday. You didn't even think about that. But we just went to the concert and our two oldest were in charge of taking the kids trick or treating one was in charge of taking the kids trick or treating. And one was in charge of staying home and passing out candy and they all agreed to it. And I told them that they could have one specific friend and over because I trust that friend. And other than that, they just had to stay chill with the kids and take care of the house and everything on Halloween. And we get home and you know, it's late, the kids are asleep and what whatnot. And was it the next day? I think it was the next day I look out the back window and there, there is candy all over the backyard, not like tons of candy, but a few pieces of candy just like strewn across the black backyard and a plunger. So I don't know what happened, but it was, it was my plunger in our backyard.

(27:08): Yeah. So we had some conversations. And so we went back and forth among all the kids to try and figure out what had happened. And our oldest two were sleeping in the ones in charge. They were sleeping in. So as the younger kids woke up, we asked them how the night went and things. And then we started hearing certain things that were a little bit suspicious. And so I actually went and checked my boy's phones, their texts and found some more things that didn't align with how the night was supposed to go, the rules set for the night. Right. And so as they woke up, one of 'em, we talked to him about it and he is like, oh, it's fine. He didn't say much, but we didn't have a lot of dirt. So to say on him, it was Mo mostly the other one. So the other one was taking way too long to wake up. So Bob and I both went up to his room and kind of woke him up and was like, Hey, we just wanna know what happened. You know how last night went and really tried to give him, not break him into it, but give him the opportunity to tell us what happened because we weren't still 100% clear on what happened. So we are trying to find out what happened and give him the opportunity to just be upfront with us,

(28:17): Which is exactly how it worked with this kid when he was 11 and ran into porn for a little bit. Right. And we, you know, we got a note and we just sat down with them. And now when you're sitting with your kids, if you sit down to confront them, then they're gonna treat it like a confrontation. So usually I will not make eye contact, not force them to make eye contact. I will sit at their level or below so that they have control over the situation. I want them to feel like, Hey, look, this isn't a confront. This is just, where are you at in your life? And we notice some things and let's talk about it. And so that there's not this sense of you have to fix yourself, but rather a sense of, well, some things happen. Let's look at that and let's learn. Cause according to John Dewey, and I agree with this statement, man, doesn't learn by experience. He learns by reflecting on that experience. Cause is the reflection looking back on it that allows some things to sink in and go, oh, okay. Yeah, that actually did that. And that came from this and okay. That makes sense. How about we course correct. So here too, we were trying to give him this opportunity. We were not forcing confronting him or forcing him to look us in the eye and all that other stuff either. It took him a while.

(29:25): Yes. So he offered up bits and pieces of information. And then, you know, I would ask, I think I asked, Hey, why is that plunger in my backyard? You know? And he gave like half of the answer. And then, you know, so we, I did have to ask some follow up questions to clarify like, okay, so the kid said that more than this friend was over. How many friends did you have over because you weren't supposed to have any. And how long did they say? And he turns out he left

(29:54): And turns out he actually left the house at, I don't know at what point, but he wasn't supposed to leave the, the house left the house with friends for however long came back. They were in our house and it was just this whole big, you weren't supposed to do that. You were supposed to be in charge of the kids. And he went and hung with his friends for a little bit. Right. So what was the consequence?

(30:15): Well, so basically that was when we were like, Hey, there needs to be a consequence. We want you to learn from this. We don't want it to be, you know, mom and dad are dictating that you have to do this so you can choose some consequences. We can approve it if you don't want to choose them. Or if you can't think of anything, I, as mom would be happy to give you some options. He came up with his own. He decided that he basically grounded himself for a week or two, which, you know, some, There was a big party in the middle

(30:49): Of it. Yeah. Some parents might be like, well, that's not enough. But he did miss a, a birthday party of one of his really good friends for that. And, and that was his choice. You know, he came home and he said, oh, I just found out that she's having a party, but I'm, I can't go. Cuz I, you know, was my thing. And I was like, okay, but he was very, very mature about it and didn't throw a fit or a tantrum or yell at me or anything because it was his consequence that he picked and what El, there was something else. I think he had to do like an extra, he decided to do an extra or something because of the backyard, fiasco, fiasco. There's just a plunger. That's all. But like, it's just so weird to me. Why would there be a plunger in my backyard,

(31:31): Folks, if there's a plunger in your backyard, there's more than meets the eye. So our other son just briefly like the second son we're working on enabling him to be more responsible with screens. He is much more into screens than our first son. And he gets super sucked into him, loses track of time, loses where he's at.

(31:48): Yeah. And so for him, he wanted a certain game on his phone that his friends are playing. And I was like, you gotta show me that you can finish your homework on time and that you can manage your screen time without us having to harp on you for a couple of weeks before I'm willing to let you do that. And he did. And so then he gets this thing and then as his screen time starts to creep up again. Then we start to pull back the go like, look, okay, we're gonna have to curtail this and pull it back. Cuz we you're not governing your own screen time. Now we're having to do this. And that means we're gonna have to like pull it back. And so we're always looking at this as a way of training the child to be responsible with what, whatever the, this society has in store.

(32:27): There is. I think it's arrogant to think that any adult knows how to raise a child in this day and age. We've never lived as teenagers at this time. And so we're thinking we're preparing them for the future, but we don't even know what that future's gonna be like. And I think it's more intelligent to be like, this is what we've seen. We're all here. And it's not the child. That's the problem. It's the situation. That's the issue. And we're trying to empower the child to live alive and free. So as a final note, one of the things that I really want the children to learn is that every rule that Jasmine and I set for them is a rule that only applies while they're with us. Just about every rule we set is in some way, shape or form, we let them know it's temporary right now.

(33:10): This is what we're thinking. We may change this in a month or so, but right now this is what we want. Now. I want them to be free of the feeling that they have to live the way we are hoping have them live in our house when they leave, cuz they may have a different and better scenario. And so every rule that we give them, I wanna be sure that they understand that it's temporary. And I would much rather that they learn how to pay attention to what works in life so that they can constantly adapt and create their own processes moving forward than giving them a set of rules that might not fit every situation they're going to encounter. Do you have any final thoughts around parenting? No.

(33:47): Well that was elegant and, and very thoughtful always. So next week we're gonna talk about one other topic that a lot of people have asked Jasmine and I around the idea of when, if you're single and you're dealing with a relationship where you've dealt with pornography in the past, how do you approach that conversation? Should you approach that conversation in what way and all that other stuff. But today, hopefully you've gotten a glimpse into our life as we are not just living free in our own, right? But also seeking to make it so that our children have that capacity to live free, but not to live like us, but to be free to live their lives, the way that they see fit. While we empower that with them, with the ability to perceive, what's really needed to adapt to situations and to become responsible for the things that they need to be responsible for. And that's it for today's alive and free podcast. If you enjoyed this show and want some more freedom bombs landing in your earbuds, subscribe right now at wherever you get your podcast from. And while you're at it, give us a rating and a review. It'll help us keep delivering great stuff to you. Plus it's just nice to be nice.

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