It's time to rip the cover off what really works to ditch addiction, depression, anger, anxiety, and all other kinds of human suffering. No, not sobriety. We're talking the F-word here: Freedom. We'll share, straight from the trenches, what we have learned from leaving our own addictions behind, and coaching hundreds of others to do the same—and since it's such a heavy topic, we might as well have a good time while we're at it.
Bob: Welcome back. We're going to go a little more lighthearted today or something cool. We're going to have to throw in some stories today. Last week was a doozy of a conversation.
Today, we want to talk about the future and expectations, and how to be free of the emotional struggles that come when you're trying to change your life.
Back in Japan, there was a Zen monk. He was a master in his own right, and had left the main monastery and had set up shop in a little tiny monastery up on top of a Hill. It was like a personal little hermitage, really, his own little place, his on little shack, and he was there and he would go help people, and beg around town and do what these monks did. But people respected him a lot. [01:15.7]
One day, one young lady in the village got pregnant, young, pregnant out of wedlock, and they pressed her and pressed her to try and find out who the offending party was, who was the one that got her pregnant. She didn't want to tell, didn't want to tell, didn't want to tell, until, finally, after being pressured so much, that they were with all of the fear about everything that was going to go on and her parents were going to punish her in a certain way, she finally divulged that the father of the child that was in her belly was the monk.
There was an uproar and there was an outrage, and they understood, suddenly, why it is that she didn't want to divulge this secret, because everybody really loved this guy. What would it do to his reputation? What would it do to him to find out that this was the case? [02:02.4]
Well, baby is born. As soon as the baby's born, he walks out. This monk is up there. He walks out because, at his house, somebody has knocked on the door. He opens the door and he walks out, and there stand the couple, the mom and dad of this young lady. And here's a baby in a basket with a little note next to it, and they hand it to them and they say, “This is your fault. You're the one that impregnated this woman, and so, it's your job. It's your job to take care of this baby. You have to clean up the mess that you’ve created.”
He looks at him and he says the same thing he said to the people when they told him that he was the father and accused him, and said, You're this. You're that. You're whatever. And he said, “Is that so? Is that so? Huh?” And that's the same thing he said to this couple.
“You're the one responsible.”
“Oh, is that so? Okay.”
And so, then he took the baby in and he cared for this baby over very many years. For several years, he’s taking care of and raising the child, feeding it and everything else, until some years pass and some new event has happened in town. [03:06.5]
The young lady, she grew up and she married a young man, who she loved deeply. They had been good friends growing up, and so they were wed, affianced, whatever, put together.
At a certain point in time, she started feeling really heavy and sick about things. She finally confided in her parents that the monk wasn't the father of the baby, that it was actually this man whom she had married. He was the father of the baby, but she didn't want to tell that because she loved him dearly and she didn't want her parents to separate her from him, and for him to be cast out or to have a bad life, or anything like that, so she blamed it on the monk, instead.
Now the parents are aghast. They're not sure what to do. Here they’ve defamed the monk. They've railed against him. They forced him to raise a baby for several years.
So, they trot back up to his hermitage and they knock on the door, with the daughter, and they apologize and they say, “We're sorry. This baby, actually, we found out it belongs to this other guy, that you're not the one that is involved here. And we want to apologize.” [04:15.3]
He says, “Is that so?”
Sometime later, the young lady comes back up and she says, “This is my baby and I want to raise him myself.” So, she takes the kid, who is now a couple of years old, back down to live with her and her husband, who is his real biological father. As she takes the kid, the monk says, “Oh, okay. Is that so? Okay.”
And that's all he ever said is that. “Is that so? Is that so?”
Railing accusations that were patently false. “Is that so?”
Massive apologies. “Is that so?”
Here’s a baby for you to raise. “Is that so?”
We're taking this baby that you've now raised, been raising and we're taking it away from you. “Is that so?” Never mind the fondness that the monk may have had for the baby.
All of his responses all the time. “Is that so?” [05:02.3]
The question then might arise in you, Why would he respond that way? Why, with all this stuff going on, wouldn't he defend himself or why would he just accept it as it is? And herein is an enormous secret. How much misery do you think that monk was in when he could simply accept everything that was happening as that which is happening, without any refusal, without any resistance, without any rejection, just like, Okay, cool, I get to raise a baby right now?
The monk would never have had a chance to raise a baby on his own because he wasn't married. He’d vowed celibacy and all kinds of other stuff. His life focus was something different. So, now he had this opportunity to raise a child and care for a young one, and be very close to him for a little period of time, and that could be seen as a positive thing. But why would he do that? Why wouldn't he defend himself? Why wouldn't he sit there and seek to be right?
That is because he probably learned that only accepting what is here and now, and turning that into something powerful and beautiful in your life, is the only way to live a happy life and a free life. [06:07.4]
If you need the future to be a certain way, if you need the present—that's even more problematic—to be a certain way, for you to be happy, what you've done is enslaved yourself to your own misery. If there's a demand that life show up in a certain way, at a certain time, in order for you to be okay, then we're living a miserable life.
Too many people don't see that this very moment, as you're listening to this, is inevitable. There is, literally, nothing you can do about what has happened right now, because it's already happened. It can't be any other way than it is because it's already there. It already is this way.
The future, what happens next in the next few moments, we do have a say over. You have some influence, but you can't influence it very well, if you're not willing to take the raw materials of this moment as they are.
You go onto a woodshop and there's wood all over the floor, scattered on the ground. There are pieces here and pieces there, and there aren’t enough pieces of the shape and size that you want in order to make the table that you want. You can sit there and be like, I don't like this. That's not right. That's not the way that it should be. [07:16.1]
You can go to your neighbors and complain, and you can go to all this other stuff and complain, and you can talk to people, this, that or the other, or you could look and see, What are my needs? What is it that I'm trying to accomplish? I need to build a table. How could I use this set of raw materials to do it, or what else could I do to get the raw materials to do it?
Total acceptance of the hodgepodge of detritus that is in the woodpile is the only way to move forward. Resistance of what's in the woodpile like, I don't like this. It's not supposed to be that way, the only thing that will create in your life is misery, which will then inhibit your ability to create the life that you want.
It was total acceptance by the monk of the fact that this woman accused him that enabled him to continue to move on without any struggles. He's fine. He's happy. Okay, someone's accusing me. That's fine. Whatever, no big deal. [08:08.9]
It was total acceptance of the baby dumped on his doorsteps that enabled him to continue to build a powerful life with a baby in it. It was total acceptance of the apology that enabled him to continue to live a powerful life regardless of what other people thought about him. It was total acceptance of the fact that the baby, now toddler, was taken away that allowed him to continue to live and build a powerful life regardless of what had happened.
If you or someone you know is looking to drop the F-bomb of “Freedom” in your life, whether that's from addiction or depression and anxiety, or just anything that's making you feel flat-out stuck, but you have no clue how to shake it and just want help doing it, head on over to LiberateAMan.com and book a call, where we can look at your unique situation and give you the roadmap you've been missing.
How many of you have experienced a death in the family, where someone that you know and love has passed on? Only total acceptance of that will enable you to move and create a powerful life. [09:11.6]
I'm pretty sure that, maybe not none, but probably most of the deceased aren't sitting there going, Man, I hope they're sad for the rest of their lives that I'm gone. I'm pretty sure they would much rather that you cherish their memories and be able to create an even better life, simply because you knew them.
That's a guess. I could be wrong on that one because I haven't talked to all of the dead that have passed on. But I would hazard a guess and I'm certain that that's the way that I would want things to go. Sometimes I jokingly tell my kids, You know what? I want you to cremate me. I want you to just spread my ashes wherever. Not even label them. I just want you to go plant a tree and maybe have a bench under it or something and you don't even have to put my name on it. But then, every year, I just want you guys to go and have a dance or a party, or swing on the tree or something. I'd much rather people are celebrating every year in a better way, well, because I was alive once, than they sit there and mourn my passing. [10:03.2]
And the same thing here. You're mourning the passing of the events that you want. You're mourning the passing of your expectations. You're mourning the passing of all this other stuff, and you can't move on with your life because you're so stuck on the fact that what you wanted died.
Sometimes our dreams are still born. They never come to life in the first place. Other times, our dreams come to life, and then they transform into something else. If you're stuck reliving the glory days of that dream, wearing your high school letterman jacket when you're in your sixties and seventies, because that was the highlight of your life, or with people who go on missions and they talk about that being the highlight of their life, or any number of other things, then you cannot create a powerful life in this moment.
So, here's a hint—this moment, what there is, right now, in this moment, and now this moment, and now this moment, is the only thing that exists. That's it. If you believe in God, God exists in this moment only. The past doesn't actually exist. Remember, it's a recreation in your mind. It's a present-moment experience that you're creating. That exists, but not as the past, no. [11:08.1]
The future doesn't exist. It's a present-moment imagination you're creating in your mind. It doesn't exist. It's a present-moment experience. What there is right now is all that there is, and it cannot be any other way, simply because it's already shown up this way. This present moment cannot be any other way than it already is.
What happens next, you have a say in, but this moment, you don't have a say in. It's already here. Being able to accept that and use it as the raw material for creation, instead of as and antagonism, to where you are a victim of this moment and you're emotionally reacting to this moment, that's where the power to create a powerful life is in. You have to be able to accept what is in this moment.
What does that mean for goals and dreams, Bob? What does that mean about setting up? I'm supposed to not be satisfied until I get what I want. I'm supposed to go after my dreams. I'm supposed to dream big. I'm supposed to dream of this possible future and hold that in my mind's eye, and do all this other stuff and whatnot. How can I have a goal if my only job is to accept this moment? [12:17.5]
I get that it sounds like a little bit of a … is it called “fatalism” or something where you just surrender and you're a victim to this moment or to what's happened? That's not what I'm talking about at all.
For instance, a car in a given moment—we can talk about Heisenberg's uncertainty principle—you can either find out where a thing is or you can find out its velocity, but you can't know both at the same time, right? In that, you're talking about some discrete things, where a thing is and where it's going.
If you think about this moment being a vector or a current in a river, in a certain moment, there is water moving in a certain direction, right? The more you are embracing the water in the current, the more you can swim in the current. The more you're fighting the current … Have you ever fought the current? [13:03.5]
It doesn't mean you can't have powerful experiences. If there's a boulder in the middle of the river that you want to swim to and you're going to wait out there, the current pushing you downstream, and you wait all the way out there and then you swim against the current when it gets deep enough, and you battle your way across, and you finally make it there. You're out of breath. You're sitting on the rock and, boom, you have this tremendous experience because you overcame the current. You swam there. You made it and you can have a powerful experience in your life.
There is nothing wrong with swimming against the current. It's just going to create something. You're going to be out of breath. It's going to take a lot more effort and you'll have the experience of overcoming, if you like that, but you'll also have expended a lot of energy.
Another person who wants to go sit on the boulder might just be like, Hey, look, there's a boulder. Let me walk up stream a little bit and then I'll use the current to my advantage. I'll get on a little inner tube and I'll sit in it. If I want to swim, fine, I'll swim in it, but I'm going to swim downstream toward the boulder and let the stream push me there, so that by the time I get there, I just grab on and I sit down. Boom. Made it to the boulder. Far less effort, far less energy, and I didn't have to fight reality. I didn't have to fight the current. I simply had to steer and direct, while I was in it. [14:19.6]
People operate in their lives this way. Both of them have goals.
Now, a third person could just be like, I just want to float down the river, and you don't have to have a goal all the time. There are times in your life where you might just want to enjoy floating down the river, and then there might be another time where you wake up and you're like, Hmm, I really want to go do this thing, and a desire may naturally arise.
When the desire arises, the easiest and most efficient way to get it is to accept what is to take a deep, profound look at everything that exists in your life, everything that exists in the way, all the things that you can foresee and that you can see, everything. In order to get a clear picture of what the current is, so that then you can decide, Hmm, okay, I want to go there. How can I swim with the current? And then, you can go that direction by totally accepting. [15:05.7]
But what happens, Bob, if a log is also swimming in the current and it bumps into me? The only way you're going to be able to handle that is to accept the log. It's bigger than you, and so, if you're trying to fight it all the time, you're just going to end up drowning and you might miss your opportunity to sit on the boulder. Even the log, you must be aware of.
Other things that happen after you’ve started your journey that just show up unexpectedly, those are also things that you'll have to accept. In accepting them and not turning them into an obstacle, but rather as simply the way the current is flowing, it allows you to steer your life with much more ease.
So, when you're moving forward, it is totally okay to have a place that you want to go and experience you want to have. I want to earn this much money. I want to have this many friends. I want to have this, that or the other. I want to go and travel to certain places. I want to get rid of something in my life and no longer have that be there. Any of those things are perfectly okay.
As you move forward, you have to just understand that two things only are needed … I guess, three things are in play. 1) What's the direction I want to head to? 2) To what does the current look like then? 3) Cool. What’s my first step? [16:11.5]
Don't plan. I mean, it's helpful to kind of preplan 20 steps, just so that you can figure out step one. The only reason to work backwards from a thing like, This is going to need to happen and this and this, and before that, this, that and the other, is so you can figure out step one. Usually, once you've taken step one, things change anyway. A log has entered the stream, and so what was going to be step two might end up having to be different.
All you need to know is, Where am I going? What's the current? And what's my next step? And that's how you set a goal without ignoring reality.
What's going on in your life right now? Everything that your family is doing, everything your kids are doing, everything that's happening in the workplace, everything that's happening in the government, in the world and the economy, all of that stuff, if you're complaining about it—remember what we said—wash your face. You have to accept it for what it is and not add poop to it. Once you can accept it for what it is, you can see the current and you can figure out, Okay, cool. How do I need to swim to use this current to get me where I want to go? [17:11.6]
And that frees you from so much turmoil and so many problems, so that it's not just, Oh, I have this problem I have to deal with. No, it's just the current. It's just life happening. It's completely neutral. You don't have to turn it into a problem. You can just roll with it in some beautiful, powerful ways because you're no longer turning what is happening into a problem to overcome or an obstacle in your way, or a challenge to be faced or a trial and tribulation.
You can simply see things the way that they really are. You can say, Huh? Is that so? Sweet. Now I know how to move my next one. Oh, this happened? Huh? Is that so? Sweet. Now I know what my next move is going to be. Is that so? Huh? Sweet. Now I know what my next move is going to be, and so on and so forth.
And just like the monk, it doesn't matter what people think about you. It doesn't matter what people are going to do in your life. It doesn't matter, because you will be able to swim and use the current to get you where you want to go, in an intelligent way that is easy and efficient, and allows you to have the experiences you want, without having to constantly fight reality and feel like everything is out to get you, in order for you to finally be able to feel like you've accomplished something in your life. [18:24.0]
And that's it for today's “Alive and Free Podcast.” If you enjoyed this show and want some more freedom bombs landing in your ear buds, subscribe right now at wherever you get your podcasts from. And, while you're at it, give us a rating and a review. It'll help us keep delivering great stuff to you. Plus, it's just nice to be nice.
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