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In this episode, you’ll discover… 

  • The weird way teeanagers use disrespect to solve their problems (and the healthier way to help them solve their problems) (3:35) 
  • 6 simple strategies to help you keep your peace when your children are disrespectful (8:22) 
  • The “2 hour punishment” method that erases your kid’s disrespectful attitude (11:09) 
  • How taking your kid’s side against their teachers or coaches subconsciously teaches them to be disrespectful (16:40) 
  • The 3 crucial roles parents need to play to raise hard working, respectful kids (18:33) 
  • How demanding respect backfires and makes your kids more disrespectful (20:30) 

If you’d like to check out Jen’s holistic health coaching services or join her 30-day plant-based transformation challenge, head over to https://rootedholistichealth.com/. You can also follow her on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/jen_jenkins_health_coach/.  

Set Free: A Woman’s Guide to Clarity, Freedom, & God’s Endless Love has been officially released! You can order a copy on Amazon here: https://www.amazon.com/Set-Free-Clarity-Freedom-Endless/dp/1664226869

If you’re ready to rise up and become the best version of yourself, check out the 12-month mindset and accountability experience that will help you rise up, click on the just breathe link at jillallencoaching.com

If you have zero energy to focus on yourself and need extra support and accountability from women who know what it’s like to juggle a crazy busy life, then go to the Fit & Fierce link at jillallencoaching.com and become unstoppable with us. 

Or, if you want to join a sisterhood dedicated to growing our faith, join our Just Breathe Facebook Group.

Read Full Transcript

Hi there. I'm Jill Allen and this is find your fierce, the show designed for women to discover your fierce, unlock and unstoppable mindset. Build unbreakable courage and completely transform how you show up every single day. Each week I will bring ideas, methods and strategies that will inspire you to step into your greatness and live life on purpose. Let's be fit, fierce and unstoppable.

(00:33): Welcome to find your fierce love that you're with us once again. And today's chat is the star of a new series called not my kid. I know that I have been guilty of saying that a time or two with the five kids we have, but after a few years of raising kids who are now, we have four that are teens and one who is 11. And I have to tell you my husband and I don't get full too much anymore, but before we kick off with this new series, I have to thank you for your love and support, not just with the podcast, but also for the new release of my books at free. It is now available on Amazon. And I just know you are going to absolutely love it. And I appreciate all your feedback, your reviews, and I love that you share the podcast and the book with your friends and family.

(01:21): If you could keep on doing that, it helps reach more women and it impacts more lives. And that is what life is all about. So thank you so very much for all that you do, and for who you are and for allowing me to be a part of your day. So let's kind of dive in here. I have to say, I'm pretty excited about this series, the next few weeks of discussions, that will probably be tough, real and raw. As I know that we all have been guilty at one time or another, or have been caught saying, or thinking not my kid. There's no way my kid wouldn't do such a thing. And we call this denial guys, and there is so many topics or angles we could focus on when it comes to kids or to parenting. But I thought we could start with respect.

(02:09): My kids are so respectful all the time, right? So I know I can rock this one out, no problem, right? Because they've never rolled their eyes or cursed or insulted me or others, or they, they never have backed talked. And my kids never named call or make side comments. And they always do what is asked of them the first time. Oftentimes, before I even have to ask, right guys, I can't even keep a straight face right now. Let me be straight with you. There are days I want to quit when it comes to being a mom, hardest job ever, hands down. And when you have kids or if you are stepping in or raising children, or if you are a guardian or mentor or work with the youth teacher, coach, you may be able to relate some. But I know that when you hold them in your arms as a sweet little baby, this gift from above when the day that they were born, we don't ever imagine at that moment that they will ever grow up to be teenagers and make you question.

(03:11): If you can even survive this season of life or if they will even make it out alive on some days. And let me just give you a heads up. Truth is going to be spoken here today. So know that if you're struggling with disrespectful behavior from your kids, you're not alone. This is one of the biggest topics of conversation between parents, friends, teachers, coaches. So I know we need to spend a few minutes here on this. And the truth is disrespectful behavior as is one of the inappropriate ways. Kids, especially teenagers actually try to solve their problems. Kids can feel powerless in the face of the rules and the expectations and talking back and showing disrespect is one way. They actually try to take some power back. And if they can drag you into an argument that's even better. Now, you're arguing about respect instead of focusing on their curfew or their homework.

(04:07): And I'm not sure you can actually demand respect, but you can require or teach or emulate that your child acts respectfully no matter how they feel about a situation. And as a mom of five, again, they're almost all teenagers. Disrespectful behavior, unfortunately is pretty normal. And copying an attitude is part of the process of our children growing up and seeking more independence. And that mild disrespect is how it shows up. And as parents, we need to be able to identify what is part of the natural breaking away process and what is hurtful, rude, and demeaning. And so while maybe healthy and normal, in some cases, disrespectful behavior, isn't something you want to go or let go unchecked. And obviously if we do not set boundaries or we ignore it completely, it can cause disrespectful behavior to escalate. And we definitely don't want that. And with that being said, parenting is certainly not going to be a popularity contest.

(05:08): You need to be in charge. We need to be in charge and we need to be able to set some limits as our child is not our partner or our peer. And just because the fact that lines just the lines fade away guys, and it makes it confusing for everyone in the family. And I know notice for us that when our kids are disrespectful or if they turn into someone else or someone you don't recognize, it's easily, you it's usually after certain TV shows time on the internet, Tik TOK videos where crude or cruel behavior is glorified. And I know that our kids are taught by our culture like Nickelodeon or even Disney to think YouTube, to think it's cool to talk back and put down their parents and their teachers. And I know when our kids would be watching a show that you would think would be appropriate on a Disney channel.

(06:01): And then I hear the way the kids in the show talk and it's like, whoa, wow. And the YouTube videos guys, I know, you know what I'm talking about when it comes to our YouTube videos, it's cool to talk that way, to behave that way. Even in homes where the parents are present and involved, it happens. And between the parents not saying, think about this, what about the parents that are not saying no to their kids or higher stress levels in the home because both parents are working or they're maybe worried about their jobs or the bills or financial or personal strains and all that stuff is going on these days. It may be a challenge to devote the time and attention it takes to sit down and talk with our kids and we don't notice it. And we just go through the motions until the disrespectful behavior kicks in, which is the cursing, the yelling, the arguing, the ignoring you refusing requests, name calling, and it becomes this wake up call to parents.

(06:55): But here's the thing there's good news. Most often disrespectful behavior, as unacceptable as it is. It comes down to kids having poor problem solving skills and a lack of knowledge about how to be more respectful as they pull away toward their independence and to make choices for themselves. And I could bet that they will do it all wrong before they learn how to do it. Right. And I bet we also can agree that finding oneself as a law is a lifelong process. And a lot of us are still working on that ourselves and our job as a parent is to teach our children how to behave appropriately and to be respectful toward others. As they grow up to operate out of love with the Lord as their center, we want to raise respectful adults. Now here's something to remember. As we try to lead the way we are the ones that need to set that example to be that example.

(07:47): And I can honestly say that I've not always been that good example. We lose it sometimes. And it's painful at times as we set the limits, the boundaries are, we try to teach them to think for themselves, ask yourself, how are you leading the way in your home? And it's inevitable that at times our kids are going to be angry at us and that we're going to set some limits or boundaries that they don't like, but that's okay. That just means that you're doing your job. As a parent, I know over here, we're killing it. You know, in the Allen house, there's always someone upset with us at some point in time. And so I want to share with you a few strategies to help you keep your peace when it comes to kids pushing that lack of respect button. Okay? Number one, don't take everything personally.

(08:35): And don't overreact pretty much. Every teenager pokes the bear. They relentlessly test the waters with their parents expressing their frustrations eye rolling scoffing, like the smirk, oh, that one gets under my skin every single time. Those are all tools in this teenage arsenal that they convey their disregard. And as we all know, those mild irritating behaviors can send us into like this. Oh, I don't know. It just gets under your skin. Kids are looking for those weak spots, those places where they can drag you in to defending yourself or your rules. And if you take it personally, it's going to be very hard to respond effectively. If you react to every single one of those behaviors, one, you're not likely to see any change in your child while these things are so annoying, they aren't necessarily something to correct all the time. And two, there's going to be battles all day long and your piece will have been stolen.

(09:37): Okay? So ignoring the little disrespectful things your child does, especially if you know, they're otherwise pretty much compliant with your rules, the kid who monitors under their breath, or is they stomp off to do, as she's told, is behaving like a typical normal kid. It's when your kid treats people badly while refusing to comply with the expectations that you need to jump in and prep that behavior. So how can we flip that script? Decide which behaviors you're going to focus on and which one you can ignore. We need to be able to pick our battles. Remember that those irritating behaviors aren't about you. They're simply an expression of frustration. And our role is to deal with our child or team's behavior as objectively as possible. And it doesn't mean that you're not going to be irritated, annoyed. Just find ways to handle that emotion away from interacting with your child.

(10:27): If possible, let it go. Stay focused on the topic at hand. And I know it's a hard one, but try not to take what our kids are saying or doing personally, okay. Like I said before, it's really all about them. Not about you. So instead of allowing yourself to feel hurt or angry, which is a surefire way to get pulled into a power struggle, be clear, direct with your child. And if they're being sassy and starting to push some boundaries, you can just say, Hey, don't talk to me like that. I don't like it. And then turn around and walk away, tell them the behavior wrong and then disengage from it. And it drives them nuts. Guys. It drives them crazy when you walk away first, and if your child's behavior warrants a consequence, I mean, you can say, Hey, it's not okay to call me names or swear when I tell you not to, you know, go that you can't go to a friend's house.

(11:19): I'm taking your cell phone for two hours. And our go to is always a cell phone just because of the fact that that's something that, you know, wakes them up. But during that time, you need to show me, you can behave respectfully to people, you know, do people in this house. And if you're rude again, two hours, we're going to start over. And I want you guys to remember that it doesn't matter if our kid likes us right now, this is about doing the right thing and asking yourself, what do I want to teach my child? And we need to be able to be in charge. We need to be able to set those limits. And when we're in charge and our kids are relying on us to lead the way to be prepared, know that some rude or disrespectful behavior is pretty much normal in adolescents.

(12:03): And we need to be prepared for it. If it's already happened, once we need to anticipate that it probably or odds are it's going to happen again and then plan what we're going to do about it. Our job is to parent our child and teach them to behave differently. And I think most of us have triggers when our kids are disrespectful. And then we end up getting sucked into these arguments with them. If our kids have drawn us into a fight with disrespectful behavior in the past, we have to be prepared that he's going to try to do it again, but we got to know what we're going to do the next time. Are you going to set a limit? Are you going to make your statement, give the expectations and not get caught up in your child's words. So I encourage you to plan ahead and you might decide to give a consequence for the behavior and then have a followup discussion about what happened.

(12:53): So how can we flip the script guys, avoid power struggles at all costs, state your limits, turn around and then walk away and remember, you don't have to attend. Here's the big thing. We don't have to attend every fight. We don't have to attend every power struggle that our kid invites us to and we get invited a lot. Okay? And so once you jump into that power struggle, we've lost. But what you do when your kid is yelling in your face, calling you names, ignoring you, or trying to boss you around. That's where that internal dialogue is so important to not take it personally. And if your child has been extremely disrespectful, because they really haven't had limits around that behavior, it's going to take work, guys. You're going to want to give up it's hard. And once you've set that limit and responded appropriately to the disrespect again, I just encourage you not to get pulled into that power struggle.

(13:48): We all had the kids play, mom and dad against each other, or they continue to ask the same question over and over and over again. Even if you said no, the first time waiting and hoping or demanding or knowing that you're going to give in, because you're tired of them asking, right? You guys know what I'm talking about? Not a time to say no, my kid, they do it all. They all do it. And so if you can save the limit and walk away once and actually follow through it makes it easier to do it again. So as a parent, and if you can say to yourself, I'm doing the right thing by setting these limits. Here was a question I got on my Instagram story. Where should you draw the line with disrespectful behavior? And I think every parent has a different line for their kids.

(14:34): And you're going to know what that line is and what's best for your family. So, but if you plan ahead and let your kid know what you expect, have that open communication, we just can't be that broken record by saying, next time, if you do that next time, when you do that, then it's first time set the boundary and then follow through. So we're not sending those mixed signals. And I have to say too, I want you guys to be determined. If we want things to be different, we will have to make up our mind to do them differently and stick with it. And I get it. It's hard, especially at first, but it's really rewarding when those things begin to change, it's our job to help them and guide them to respond to those struggles boundaries and to be able to solve problems. And obviously if there's an incident like that, we'd be sure to talk with them.

(15:21): You know, once everybody cools down, trying to communicate when everyone is calm, rather than in the heat of the moment, let's face it. There's nothing worse than going through life, treating people badly or walking around in frustration because things are not going their way. So it's not going to help our kids function in the real world. If they're allowed to be rude and disrespectful, kids have to get the message, which actually leads me to number three. Don't bad mouth. Other people, guys, I get it. Life is stressful. Sometimes bosses have challenging neighbors get too loud. Maybe family members can be irritating. And as a parent are going to have plenty of opportunities to show our kids how we respond when we're annoyed and when we're upset and they watch us kids watch us for a living. And if we talk badly about others or treat other people with disrespect, don't be surprised if your child follows.

(16:10): So how can we flip that script on this show? Others God's grace, forgive, speak life. Be grateful, be positive, smile. See the good in the situation. Don't be easily offended. Remember they're watching us. And so even if they don't seem like they care what we do and I get it, like they hate try to, they even tell us that they tell us that they don't care. If you value, respect, model, respectful behavior, and try to do our best to show them the way it should be done is all part of the long journey of raising kids for don't take your kids side. I know it's like, wait, what, Joel, what does taking your child's side have to do with disrespectful behavior? Well, let's think about this. You're driving home from a basketball game and your kid complains about their playing time or lack of right.

(16:56): Calling the coach names and in general being disrespectful. Here's the thing you might agree that this particular coach is not maybe, maybe not making the best decisions or is overlooking your kid. But if you take your child's side in this case, you might say, you know, you agree that you think the coach is stupid and that it's, that he's doing a terrible job. And you agree that your kid deserves to play more because clearly the coaches wrong. When we side with our child in effect, joining them in disrespectful behavior, you're showing them that you don't have to be respectful to someone who you disagree with and the message your child hears is if you think some one is wrong, then we have the right to be rude and complain. And that's not necessarily the case here. So how can we flip the script? The truth is neither you, nor your kid has to agree with someone to treat them respectfully.

(17:47): Even if you think the coach or the teacher or the boss is wrong, let your child know that regardless of how they feel, they still need to find a way to act appropriately, or they need to control what they can control, which is always their attitude and their effort. And the perk of this approach is that your child is going to most likely encounter plenty of people in their adult life that they disagree with. We're helping them set them up for success. So we, they may have to work with people like that in the future. So help them learn the skills they need to handle those disagreements, calmly and appropriately, and how to work with them, showing up as their best self number five, be a teacher and a coach. It's our job to teach our kids to behave more respectfully and manage frustration. Right?

(18:33): I saw the other day from a study that the three crucial roles for us to play as a parent, our teacher, coach, and limit setter. We teach them how to behave. We coach them, we encourage them and when they get it right and we set limits when they get it wrong. These three roles are really the key to being an effective parent. And I loved that breakdown. It keeps it simple for us and for them. So remember the goal is for the kids to be able to function in the real world and go on to be these responsible, loving, caring joy-filled adults who can live on their own and bless others. But it's our job as parents to teach and guide our kids to become more functional. And of course, to do all that out of love and with love, we have to notice their good behavior along the journey.

(19:20): Maybe you're thinking, look, my kid is constantly disrespectful. I have to stay on him if I want things to change. So you correct and redirect every chance you get. And if we're constantly nagging or correcting, which I have been so guilty of it breeds resentment. And if you're always calling your kid out on his poor choices, he might decide like, Hey, there's just no way you can win, right? So we need to acknowledge the times they manage to control their behavior or make the good choice or problem calmly. Or they may just stop trying. That's just human nature. And I get it. We feel as parents to constantly the need, like to correct or to pay attention to the failure, but with no acknowledgement of even the small successes, it can actually increase our kids disrespectful behavior. So how can we, how can we flip the script?

(20:10): Kids respond well to praise. We all do that. Never stops. Not only does it feel good to have a pat on the back or a high five, but also gives them important feedback. And it acknowledges good behavior as it reinforces those skills. We just need to tell our kids and show them how much we appreciate the positive way when they show up in their day and six, as you know, last but not least. This is the big one. Don't demand, respect. I am your parent and you have to respect me. Does that even sound a bit familiar? Another question I received on my Instagram is how can I get my child to me? Let's be real here, gang. It's pretty normal that our teams think they know far more than we do. We're going to be stupid for years to come and wonder how we ever get along in life.

(20:58): Right? As they know everything and we know nothing. So here's the thing. We can't make someone respect us. Respect is a feeling and we can't just legislate or demand these feelings trying to force your child to respect you. Isn't going to work. But if you can't demand their respect, how can you possibly stop them from acting so badly? Right? The answer I found is an addressing. We have to address their behavior rather than their feelings, even their feelings about you. So how can we flip the script? You can't demand respect, but we can require that our kid acts respectfully no matter how they feel about a situation. And one great way to do this is when our kid is behaving disrespectfully. We can tell them, Hey, you don't have to like that rule, but you do have to comply with it just because you're irritated.

(21:45): Doesn't mean you get to call me names and then walk away. Don't engage. Remember stay focused on their behavior and leave the feelings alone. The irony is that in the long run, our children will respect us more. If we remain calm and enforce our rules consistently, and I have to share the story with you real quick. I saw the story actually unfold a couple of weeks ago, right in front of me at a baseball game. And I'm sharing this without any judgment. It actually prompted me to reflect on times in our parenting journey of when I wish I knew what I knew now. And it was a teenager about, I don't know, 15, unless he was a really tall for his age, but it was a high school game. So I'm thinking he was around that age. And I heard him tell his mom, go get me this, this and that from the concession stand.

(22:32): Okay. And she went and got it. But I guess she got the wrong thing. Okay. And this kid yelled, I kid you not yelled and screamed at her and shoved the hot dog back at her and told her to get him what he said. He wanted the first time. Now she just calmly started eating the hot dog herself, began looking through her purse for more money and turned around and got him something else. Now again, no judgment. As I have stopped saying like not my kid, because we all have had encounters with our kids that make parenting so much fun. But a question that came to mind was as I hear all the time, man, kids are not the same as they were when I was growing up. Kids are much more disrespectful nowadays. If I ever did that, when I was a kid, I would have been blah, blah, blah or so I began to flip the script or the kids much more disrespectful or as parents are we the ones that have changed?

(23:25): Are we the ones that allow kids to control the show? Have we changed our expectations? Are we the ones that have not set the boundaries and have actually, you know, followed through or not followed through? Are we leading differently? Do we let things slide in a different way? Do we do everything for them? Have we set rules followed by praise and love or with consequences that don't make sense? Or are we inconsistent? Have we slowed down to actually teach and coach our kids? Have we showed them how to act, to respond, to forgive, to be grateful, to give grace when they mess up, when people mess up or poor choices have been made, because we all have to know that our kids are gifts from above. They're going to be tempted. They're going to be swayed. They're going to push our buttons. They're going to fall short.

(24:11): They will test the waters and all because they are human yet they need, our guidance are in conditional love. And to say, not my kid, guys, nothing shocks me anymore. When it comes to raising a family, something to think about here and reflect on, I want you guys to do the same. So just know that you're not alone. Remember don't take everything they do or say personally, you know, be prepared and ready. Don't fall into the battle trap. Don't take their side on everything and allow them to be a victim and to create a victim mindset, be their guide and know that respect cannot be demanded. I hope these tips have helped you. Some would love to know your favorite one. So leave your comments in a review. I would so appreciate it. And I know I mentioned this at the beginning, but I have to tell you again, that my book set free is a woman's guide to freedom from confusion, control, worry, fear, and stress by letting go and saying yes to God's endless love. And it is now available on Amazon. So check that out and join us for the set free book club. As we walk through the journey together, you can find that link at Joel Allen, coaching.com. Also you are being called rise. We want to invite you to the just free sisterhood, a 12 month mindset and accountability experience rooted in biblical truth for Christian women like you, who are ready to rise up, headed the just brief link@joeallencoaching.com heads up on the next episode, we're going to continue the, not my kid series.

(25:33): So be sure to check that out next week. Thanks so much for joining us today. Please subscribe, share this episode, link on your social media. If you felt encouraged or inspired, as we all know someone that can benefit, I would love it. If you would give some feedback and a review as well, talk with you next time. Be fit, be fierce, be unstoppable.

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