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In this episode, you’ll discover…

  • The single greatest trait to develop to be a better leader at work and in your home (2:57)
  • What men get wrong about asking for help and why it damages all their relationships (6:09)
  • Life-changing lessons every man can learn from Michael Jordan about the power of coaching (11:38)
  • The surprising way humility makes your business infinitely more valuable when it’s time to sell (12:42)
  • Why getting your identity from achievement makes you miserable no matter how successful you are (20:50)
  • The A.D.D. formula for a stronger relationship with your loved ones (33:41)

Are you crushing it at work but struggling at home? If you want to learn how to win at home, then go to https://CoryMCarlson.com and download your free copy of “10 Ways To Win At Home.”

Read Full Transcript

Welcome to the win at home first podcast. I'm your host, Corey Carlson. This podcast is where we talk about how successful business leaders win, not only at work, but also at home. On this podcast, we will go behind the scenes with great leaders to hear stories of how they win. Thank you for listening and on to today's episode.

Hello, this is Corey. I'm excited to share this episode with you with Jeff Kemp. He's a former NFL quarterback, and now he is a coach for executives, and he's also very, very strong in his faith. So a lot to learn some of my favorite parts were where we talked about humility, how we need to ask for help from our family, from coaches, from those that work for us. We talk about the difference between star players on teams and in companies versus the actual team effort. And now the team is better when it's serving each other.

(00:57): We talked about his book facing the blitz and how impactful that book is even today when we all facing a blitz with coronavirus in COVID. And we always talk about how to serve your spouse, how to serve your family members. So it's a fantastic episode. I hope you enjoyed as much as I did on to today's episode. Thank you very much. Hello. This is Corey Carlson. You're listening to the win at home. First podcast. I'm excited for today's guest is Jeff Kemp. Jeff played in the NFL for 11 years, with four different teams, the Rams, the 40 Niners, the Seahawks and the Eagles. And he also wrote a book facing the blitz. That would probably, it would be so applicable even to this day, because it is about turning our trials into triumphs as the subtitle. And right now, as we know, we are going through some serious trials and so how this book could help.

(01:48): And then Jeff is a strong man. His faith after his NFL career, then went to work for family life, a ministry in that's headquartered in Arkansas, but does work throughout the globe. He was vice president and catalyst for helping others. During that time, married has four kids, him and I were introduced by a couple of different people. And we had a chance to talk for about an hour and a half, a few weeks ago and just hit it off. And I'm excited to have Jeff on the show to hear his perspective on what it takes to win at work and win at home, but also just his walk. And what has been like as he's further understood his identity as a son. So thank you Jeff, for being on the show today. I greatly appreciate it. And with all your listeners. Yeah. Well, well thank you. Well, we're just going to start out. What do you see to be a key trait in what it takes to win at home first, the single greatest thing to win at home, the single greatest thing to be a significant influential leader in the world, be it business or anything else. And that is humility and Philippians, it says have

(03:00): The same humble mindset as Jesus Christ. And then it goes on to describe how humble he was. He didn't grab for his position as God in heaven. He came down to earth and humble themselves to the point of serving and eventually death. So humility, it's worth kind of defining that word. It's crucial at home because it's the key to all relationships. And there's nowhere in the world where relationships matter more than with your spouse and your children. And that's where it's also hardest because you see each other 24 seven, and you start to expect more of them and offer less of yourself. You kind of take some things for granted and the little personality quirks start to frustrate you, you wouldn't just pipe up and say something to your boss about their personality, quirk, but you would to your wife, or you might do your husband.

(03:50): So humility is needed at home. And Philippians two describes the nature of it that don't do anything out of pride or selfishness, but in humility, consider other people more important than yourself. And don't just look out for your own interests, look out for others. Okay. So what is humility? I got a great definition from a coach that I I contract to help me with my mission these days, Mark Leblanc. He said, I think of three words. Ask for help. That's humility. Ask for help. Ask for help from God. Ask for help from your spouse. Ask for help from your kids, not like, Hey, will you wash my car? And do I do the taxes for me? No. Ask for help understanding their life, their feelings, their interests, their perspective. Hey, babe, helped me understand how yesterday went and why you were so disappointed and frustrated helped me understand son, why you and I have been connecting so well, what's bothering you about me lately,

(04:56): Man. It's good,

(04:57): Sweetie. Help me understand. What's it like going to that new high school and you know, not, not knowing anyone what's it like as soon as you ask that question for people to help you understand, then you have validated their feelings and you've proved they're more important than you. And you just gave yourself a whole lot more information to operate with so that then you can be a good lover leader and coach.

(05:24): No, but I know I just, I love that humility of ask for help. You know, especially as we talk a lot, the audience is business leaders and sometimes we don't want to ask for help. We don't want to show that we lack competency in an area. And maybe even at home, I don't want to ask for help because I don't want to look like I can't get it all done on my own. I should be able to be the man of the house, plus be a great husband and grow my business. I should be able to do it all, but instead having the humility to ask for help. So it's so key.

(05:58): I think you're onto something that the script that's gone through, our head, the software in our head, naturally as it's weakness to ask for help, we've got to figure this out on my own. And so we failed to do number one, tap into God because he never wanted us to separate from him. He always wanted us to live as dependent sons and dependent daughters on him. No, you may graduate from being the son or daughter of your father, but you never graduate from being the son or daughter of our heavenly father. You actually become more dependent on him and you find out you'd love the relationship with him more. So number one, we need to ask for help from him. Okay. And then number two people around us and business leaders, like you said, Corey, the leader, thanks. I can't, I can't ask this executive team for help. I just need to ask them to do their job and I need it to help them. Well, you can't figure out how to do teamwork. If you don't ask them about the culture, ask them for their ideas, ask them to debate, ask them for input on how you're coming across as a leader. And then the same applies to customers. You better ask them for feedback or you'll never figure out how to be a great provider.

(07:04): You seen that as you say, go from the NFL where you're used to people who have coaches, whether it's a strength coach, it's the actual position coach. It's a nutrition coach. They live in a world of coaches and people submitting under someone else's authority to, and then you come to the business world. And it's a lot of times this it's not just that that's not the case. People are like, I'll figure it out myself. I'll listen to a podcast. I'll read a book. I don't need help. How have you seen that as you transitioned into what you do now compared to say the rest of your career,

(07:36): Right? Essentially. Correct. Kind of feel like some of the most valuable things in the world are paradoxes that we apply in one area, but we don't apply it in other areas. You know, I'd like an in pro football or in basketball, golden state warriors. Humility is the key to teamwork, right? Everyone's differing to one another serving one another, making everyone else look good, do the assist, sacrifice yourself. But then do you take that off the field in the way you treat women in the way you court a young woman, the way you married, the way you stay married, the way you serve your wife, it doesn't translate that well. And interestingly in pro football where there's like 25 coaches per NFL team on every area, assistant tight end coach. And like you said, nutrition and strength training. They have enough character coaches. Guys don't tend to take that coaching off the field, that much into their family relationships.

(08:28): And many times in business, people don't think that we need coaching. We're our own business. So I guess I just wake up all of us and say, you need coaching in every area and it helps you a ton. So why would you not do it? Coaching is wisdom. It's learning the mistakes that someone else has made and the successes they've made and a best coach is going to pull out of you, your unique design, your unique strengths help you overcome your blind spots. And I literally don't do that well on my own. I need good coaching. I was a good enough quarterback in college, good quarterback for the Rams. We went to the playoffs, but I was kind of average. And then I got traded the Niners and all of a sudden I'm leading the league in passing six weekends of the season while Joe Montana Montana's injured on the bench.

(09:15): How did I go from average to leading a league, amazing coaching, better coaching than I've ever had anywhere in my career from bill Walsh, my Congress. Okay. But then I went to the C for the next five years and I went back to back up an average coaching. It was never as good as Washington hombre. And I wished that I'd taken that intense desire for coaching and brought it off the field right away. Frankly, my wife and I did get a lot of it in marriage because we needed it, but I've needed it in every area. And I encourage every business leader, every husband, every wife, every father, every mother, every leader of people to get mentoring and get coaching. And don't be afraid to spend money for it. It's worth it.

(09:58): Yeah, man, especially now at this time with everyone's happening with different crisis, he's taking place. You've mentioned the golden state warriors at the very beginning of that, when you're also talking about getting coached and humiliated serve others. One thing that I thought was so fascinating with the Michael Jordan series that just came out was that moment where they talked about the coach before Phil Jackson was all like, just get the ball to the Jordan, just get the ball Jordan. And then when Phil Jackson comes in, does the triangle on offense, which is about getting the ball to everybody and then actually allow Jordan to thrive even more, which made him go on. They went on to championships. He became, you know, Reed defined himself as that best player. But even in just that, that sports comparison of when one person does all the work, man, they don't lead to the greatness of that triangle off it's, everyone's touching the ball, everyone's got their key roles and right. There's that example of just even serving others in that sport example, you have,

(11:01): My uncle had to, Michael had to loan from Phil Jackson, that if you will submit to my system and find a way to bring out more of the strengths of everyone and not be the whole show yourself, we're going to become stronger as unit. And we'll actually win championships instead of just getting to the playoffs. And Michael Jordan was humble enough and driven enough that he wanted championships. And I remember him early in his career, but you shocked me in that last dance documentary. He, he said, when he came to the bulls, he goes, you know, the next, the Lakers, the Celtics, they have legacy organizations, they built greatness over decades. I would like to see this organization build that kind of culture and that kind of legacy. That was amazing that he was speaking then about the team. So when Phil Jackson finally brought him the coaching to get them to play more of a, everyone helps us win rather than just serving Michael.

(11:56): He bought in and it changed things. And so this is a lesson for every one of us. Do you want your business to depend totally on you for the next 20 years? And you make a nice profit and get to do a bunch of entrepreneurial leadership things, but when you die or when you want to sail off into the sunset and retire or do something different, your business isn't worth very much because you just left it. You're Michael Jordan, you just left it. Or are you willing to hire a Phil Jackson who will take you from being the star? The leader at the top of the pyramid, to being the developer of people, the shaper of culture, the team builder, the one who makes other start increasing and isn't afraid to decrease that is the power of coaching. And then that business will be worth way more when you want to sell it because you aren't so integral to it.

(12:53): You're not, you know, the only Cod that can make that wheel turn that is humility. It's also long term thinking. And those actually are keys to facing blitzes Corey, the three strategies for beating blitzers. And we can go through this later, but I'll just mention them since I touched on number one, take a long term view of things. Don't just look at this moment in time, the circumstance COVID 2020, don't just look at the economy down or the lot one loss customer or this illness of cancer. Look at the long term and build your team and your strategy for the long term. Number two is be humble and willing to change. That's just crucial to everything. Be humble, willing to learn, willing to change, try a new play call an audible site, adjust you can't stand in the pocket with a seven step drop thinking, Oh, this player that I call it is really good.

(13:44): It's got to work. Even though they're sending a free safety and three linebackers at me, no you're going to get killed unless you change the play side, adjust change your drop of receiver changes as route. You get the ball to him and you know, 1.5 seconds instead of 2.8 and then the ball is down the field for a touchdown on that blitz versus you laying on your back with a fumble and a crush set of ribs. So be willing to change. And third is take the focus off yourself and focus on investing in others, take the focus off self and bless others. Reach out to others, build others. I call it, lift, lift others to be their best. So that always wanting them to lift you.

(14:25): Yeah. And I liked your questions very beginning of w what does it depend your business depends on you or just the team you're building in that book. Founder's dilemma. I like where they talk about, do you want to be King or do you want to be rich? Like, are you going to, do you have to control everything or will you release control, equip and empower those around you to do greater things?

(14:45): Yeah. Do you want luxury of being in charge or do you want a legacy? We mentioned the view. I think a lot of our listeners would probably like to remember right now that long term isn't five years or 10 long term. Isn't 20 years from now. When I cash out. It's not, it's not the perspective I have with my investments in my Schwab account. Long Term is eternal long term. As you are not a body with a soul, you are a soul with a body and God made you in his image to live forever and ever in a paradise that he will recreate when Jesus returns. And he's going to reward us for loving people, sacrificing people, caring for the poor, doing justice, proclaiming his name, getting our ego out of the way, advancing his kingdom, stewarding our business well and loving people, not money. He's going to reward us in heaven for eternity, where things are going to be cooler and better and Wilder, and more fun, more creative, more joy than anything down here with no tears or hardship or problems, right? How many of us actually make our decisions with attorney in mind? We don't, we don't. We did. We pay attention to the soul and we'd be quicker to apologize and quicker to forgive and more committed to relationships than just success.

(16:06): Hello, this is Cory Carlson. Thank you very much for listening to this podcast. I greatly appreciate it. If things that we're saying or you're hearing what the guests are talking about, and you want to see how it can apply to your life, and you want to dive deeper into the content. And I invite you to visit my website at Corey M Carlson, to learn more about my coaching program, what I'm doing for clients like you and how it can help you start winning vote at home and at work and living in life to the full. So thank you very much for listening and back to today's episode. Thank you.

(16:43): Well, yeah, thanks for bringing it. I was going to ask this question a little bit later, but as you just talked about now, I want to discuss it in this moment when you and I talked a few weeks ago and just had a great conversation, fantastic conversation around the idea of identity of our identity is being a child of God. And we discussed how well, my story time, identity, corporate America at different times, identity of success or not success with coaching business up and down, whatever it may be. And we both talked about that. And you shared some really neat things about the identity tied to your earthly dad, Jack, and just for the listeners to understand, you know, who your dad was and what he did is, and you can expand further, but a politician and was well known. And you lived under that identity.

(17:37): And I love how you explain what the challenges with that, the headaches with that, the frustrations, the limitations with that, and then you broke free of it. And I think this is, I was so inspired by just your story we talked about because that's what corporate America can be. Just so many people, or maybe it is an earthly father, identity, earthly parent, but it's this, we were chained down to this identity of what we think we should be. And if it doesn't work out, it, it crumbles. So I would love if you could just share a little bit of that,

(18:09): I'll try to try to frame it up. Identity is kind of what the feelings we attach to ourselves that we think others think of us. And that's why our dad matters so much. You know that our dad think we're going to be a good man, that our dad, they were successful. Did we please our dad? Did we see him share for us and clap for us? Was he, was he proud of us? A lot of us live for that. You know, you see a lot of pro athletes it's hi mom, hi mom, because dad wasn't there, but they're competing like crazy to prove themselves to their dad. Same, same happens in the business community. Okay? So we fall into the false assumption, the trap. And I think this originated with God's enemy. The devil that our identity is earned. It's do we succeed? What's our status?

(18:55): What are we on? What do we drive? How are the profits in our company? What kind of followership do we have? Where do we rank in this world? Success identity that is earned. If it's being a pro quarterback and you blow your knee out, or your cut, you lose it. All of a sudden you have a business and the economy shifts and you lose it, or you built your identity. I'm talking to a leader right now who unbelievable pain in his childhood. Didn't get his identity affirmed by his dad, earned it through achievement and built his whole identity on amazing, amazing, amazing achievement. But also it just got knocked out from underneath him. And he's really, he's in depression. He's despondent. He doesn't know what to do. It's like he's needing minute to minute coaching and calls and encouragement and care. He's got to take a sabbatical to rebuild his whole life because he builds his identity on what he could achieve, what he get around.

(19:58): So the truth of identity is that it's received. Identity is about your faith, your character, the way God made you, your worth comes from him, not from the economy. All right. And yes, your mom and dad matter a lot in shaping your identity. But even if you have a great, great dad, like I did, who encouraged me to praise me was all my games hug me. He'd say way to go. Even if I didn't play good game, Jeff, I saw yellow. Great. I said, dad, I didn't know the game. I was all frustrated. And he said, Oh, I know I saw you're warming up. You're really throwing the ball. Well, he find anything he could. He said, you're a camp. Be a leader. I believe in you. Your day is going to come. I had all this great encouragement, but largely it was about performance and significance and leadership in a future day.

(20:46): And since dad was such a great NFL quarterback for 13 years championships with the Buffalo bills, a great Congressman ran for vice president was secretary of housing and urban development was an amazing speaker and inspire our people. An awesome leader. I always figured that I had to be that big to be significant. So I D I told you about this, this thing about two months ago, Corey, I went to the beach and read a book called father God, daring to draw near and treating God like your father, like your daddy. And I kind of read the book and I said, God, teach me some things. And re father me, helped me understand my identity and any of the problems I've had. And I learned some cool things. Number one, I learned that I've listened to a lie that my present Jeff isn't enough. Even though I've had a lot of success, I was NFL quarterback.

(21:34): I've led ministries. I know I have a, a talent and a gift for speaking and inspiring people and casting vision coaching. It's not enough because I'm comparing it to future Jeff. The one that I crafted in my head that would be as big and excellent as my dad. So then I've developed this idol, Cory in my life. I realized as in this process with God, talking to me, my idol was future Jeff, future achievement, future circumstances. How many of the people listening right now are successful, but not successful enough. They're not quite satisfied. They want more someone else else's doing better. Some else's companies, someone else's marriage looks happier. Oh, their wife is so thin. She's very affectionate. You have no clue what's going on behind the doors of their home and in their hearts. Everyone's got trouble. Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides. It's not a fair comparison.

(22:26): So true. So many times clients will tell me, I think I'm the only one that says this. It's like, no, you're not. Everyone is saying, is everyone who's having troubles with their team or at home or in their marriage. I mean, it's, and that's, what's been fun about having conversations, you know, and hearing from you. It's across the board. No matter the amount of success you've had,

(22:48): No, we all feel it insecurity insecurity as a human disease and dissatisfaction with the present is the very thing that Satan used in the garden to make Adam and Eve think the garden wasn't good enough. They could have an extra Apple that's right. That was the biggest deception ever. But we all fall for that thinking. So, as I was kind of in this week of reading this book and praying to God, I was at the beach and I really felt like God was guiding me to figure out my lie was at present. Jeff and circumstances are enough. My idol was future Jeff and future circumstances. And the sin I'd fallen into is just contentment and a lack of gratitude. God's blessed me, Jesus forgave me. I relationship with my heavenly father. I'm going to go to heaven. And that should be enough to be grateful.

(23:37): But then, gosh, he's blessed me with Stacy. One of the most amazing wife and four sons now married grandkids coming. I have so many things to be grateful for. Okay. So I kind of confessed all those things. And the light bulb went off and I realized that my identity can't be based in things that I do to achieve or to, or to impress. Even if it's done in a Christian ministry, significant way, you can mess that stuff up to my identity. And here's where it is. Corey, your identity in mind, and anyone who's listening to us who has actually put their faith in Jesus Christ instead of themselves, for their eternal hope. They have been given the righteousness of Jesus. God made Jesus who never, ever sent to be sin for us so that we could become the righteousness of God. And if we're the righteousness of God, then God looks at us like he does Jesus.

(24:28): And what he said to Jesus list, you are my son and who am I? Well pleased. You're my beloved son. So Jesus heard those things. Even when he was transfigured he heard, this is my beloved son in whom I'm well pleased. He is the chosen one listened to him. So God said for amazing things to them that we all need to hear and you won't get it all from your human dad. That's why you need to get it from your vertical. Number one, your identity is as a son or as a daughter. Number two, you're loved, incredibly loved unconditionally, loved number three. God's pleased with you because of Jesus. He can credit your account and he can even see who you'll be in heaven and smile on you for that right now. Okay? He's not measuring just the wins and losses of this life. And then lastly, God gives you a place, a calling, a mission for Jesus.

(25:24): This was the chosen one. And he said, listen to him because he was the one that was going to show the path back to the heavenly father. He was the Messiah where you and I, and all of us who believe in Jesus are called ambassadors for Christ. We're citizens of heaven. We got a mission of reconciliation. We got a message of reconciliation. We're supposed to go shine a light whenever you do it, hardly do it the best you can and give all the credit in a, in a subtle or appropriate way to God. Okay? And definitely make disciples because disciples are people that figure out, wow, Jesus is the way. And you show him the way and how to stick with the way, what the word of God says, and then they can go help others find that way. That's what the disciples are. So I am receiving those four things

(26:09): During quarantine with COVID. There's been things that we have implemented newly as families or individuals, to make sure that we are kind of building from this as opposed to allowing it to be a battle zone and just waiting for the times to pass Jeff, what have you been doing in your life differently now during quarantine than you did pre quarantine?

(26:33): As soon as the shutdown came in early March, I actually was about to get on a plane on a Saturday morning for a men's conference in California mate before is when the governor made a statement about not having large gatherings. And the church called me the night before and said, we're going to cancel. So right then that retreat, the next retreat, and three more speaking engagements, all canceled. And there was suddenly nothing on my schedule. And you have to believe that blitzes are opportunities. They're dangerous, but they're also opportunity. That's what a crisis is, danger and opportunity. At the same time, it depends on whether or not you have an opportunity mindset. And my wife's got a good opportunity mindset. She's a good coach. And she immediately said, Hey, Jeff, you know what? This is the opportunity for you to stay home and focus on writing the book because I'm writing a book called real good man on the journey to, to relationships and identity and purpose and good friendship, being honest and real as men.

(27:36): And I wasn't making as much progress as I should cause I'm add. And lots of things get in the way. So she said, take this time and focus on that. I've talked to other business leaders who said, you know what, there's things I should have been working on the mission instead of working in the mission. And I started to work on some important things that I delayed for a while. So for me, the biggest changes have been relax and accept this as a gift, a sabbatical, almost to focus on writing the book, get rid of my financial projections. They're expected to make money this year as a speaker. I won't make any money unless I'm out speaking or coaching. And there hasn't been that much of the coaching and zero speaking lately, I'm doing lots of zones, but they're all free.

(28:24): And so I just kind of accepted the season I'm in. And that sets an opportunity to write. Secondly, many people are accepting the opportunity to leave church at home dads who don't ever really lead church or leave their family spiritually. They're leading their family. Hey, let's, let's get the video on let's go around and say some things we're thankful for. And let's share some prayer requests. Dads can lead church at home. You don't even need a video. You can read a short passage and let the family comment on it or let them comment on it. That at the fatherhood commissioned that I'm on the board of a, we put together a great resource for dads to lead their family spiritually. And because church got shut down, it's almost like an opportunity for us to take church and live it as people versus trusting some team or some hired gun or going to some building, we should really know that that isn't church churches, the team, the body, the people interacting.

(29:17): And then I've also had the chance during COVID to talk to a number of people. Personally, especially once the racial unrest came, I've called a lot of my African American friends. And I just asked questions and listened, and I've discovered a whole lot more depth of unfairness and justice, disrespect, pain hurts. And those things don't turn quickly, but to hear it, to listen to it, I've deepened relationships. I've honored them. And it gives me more perspective. So I can share with people that haven't been through a minority experience. So those are some of the things during COVID that has happened. Plus Corey, we had a son and daughter in law and grandson who left New York city because of the chaos up there. And they were nomads for awhile. They ended up living with us for two months. So we had two months of amazing time with a married family in our house, grandparents and my three year old grandson like crazy. So I have to say, this has been the best two months of my life, even though coven was a big pain in the butt, God had a better opportunity for us to see,

(30:22): Man, that's such a perspective to see the blessing in it, as opposed to maybe the burden or a house was crowded or there's too many people in here, but it said to see the blessing. And that's just, that's so powerful. Is there anything in particular that you are learning or hearing from God that you haven't mentioned yet, that you would love to share with us?

(30:42): Okay. I mentioned two family related ones. Cause I love your mission when it's at home first. And I believe in that and I've been in family ministry ever since leaving football. But the reason I went into it is because my wife and I have such opposite personalities, other than dominant leadership, that our marriage wasn't easy. And because it wasn't easy because it wasn't easy. We needed a ton of help, a ton of coaching. So that's really helped us, but I didn't realize that my wife carries so much load all through the years when I get traded, I'd go to the new team and learn the system. And all I'd worry about is football. And she'd take care of the kids, the move cars, rental house, unbelievable, the stuff she carried the load. And she frankly has continued to carry the load because I'm add and forgetful and I'm a disorganized her and she's an organizer.

(31:31): And I don't think I've always appreciated or recognized it adequately. And so I'm in a season of waking up and trying to appreciate it and even realize that she's probably weary from me depending on her too much and not sharing a load or even honoring her enough for that. So maritally, there's two keys that are helping me right now. And they're little acronyms that I use to coach myself. My wife's love language is service. Mine are touch and words and never the two shall cross she's. She speaks Russian and I speak Italian. So I don't, I'm not naturally a servant. So I wrote myself a little thing and said, SST, sir, Stacy today. And I put the little note on my bathroom mirror and my closet so that I see it to coach myself. But then I found that she tells me something, I hear something I could do.

(32:26): And I'd say, Oh, just a minute. I'll finish it. I'll do that later after this email and I'd forget it. So I had to change the phrase from SST today to SSN. Now, sir, Stacy, not right now. So Corey, what I'm trying to do is put my phone down, put my computer down, click off the TV, stand up and serve and do the things she asked right now. Okay. And then the other one is add, which is interesting. Cause I'm add, and I get distracted the other day. She, we were talking in the kitchen, she started telling me some stories. She says it was a silly unimportant story, but she said, Oh, you didn't take the trash out. Can you take the trash out? So I went over and grabbed the trash and started walking out and I walked right out the kitchen that minute while she was talking to me and she said, I noticed this is a dumb little story, but can you stay here?

(33:15): I'm walking out the door. And I felt bad about myself. Cause I thought she was saying I did something wrong. And I said, you told me to take out the trash. So I made it about her. I didn't just apologize. No. Okay. I'll wait a minute. So I made it about her. So my add means apologize. Don't defend. So I always appalled. I always defend and I excuse or I minimize, cause I don't want to feel bad about myself. I'm basically a good husband, but in the little things I'm selfish and prickly. And so that's my, those are my coaching points.

(33:48): All the listeners they're right there with, with you. Even as you're saying, I got to think, Hey, how can I serve Holly Moore? I mean, how can I do that? And so for the listeners to hear that, how can we be better towards all of our spouses? And it is incredible how often I'd posted something the other day on social media about not all questions are attacks on us. They're just more preparing the individual to have what they've got to do. Kind of like how far left do I need to go? How far right do I need to go? If I'm going to follow you, we always take the questions to be an attack on us. So that's, that's fancy.

(34:20): I think that's, that's especially true to men because our biggest fear is failure. And we really don't want to feel like a failure as a husband or at home. So unfortunately we are insecure because our identity is still grounded in how we perform, what we earn rather than from the heavenly father. The other thing I'm learning over this last year is I'm the father of grown children. Now they're men, they're married once your kids are 18. You're definitely switching from the old, you know, dictator to coach, to mentor. And now you're kind of a cheerleader and a friend, right? You don't have the same authority. It backfires when you try to teach them and correct them, or even ask a question too much. Cause it's making them feel like a little kid. So what I've been learning Corey, which isn't easy because I have so many ideas. I'm such a coach. I have so much, I want to share with them. I'm learning that I need to learn about myself and share with them things. I'm learning about my weaknesses. And then I look at the things that I've done improperly or in perfectly or frustrated them. And I need to apologize. So my very best parenting these last couple of years has been the things I started learning about my own personal convenience selfishness. Some of my quirky ways of bugging them like over coaching. Yeah.

(35:45): Yeah. You can write to me right now, I'm in trouble for probably all of these things. Right.

(35:48): And then I actually assessed myself and I apologize to them. And then for specific instances of what I've done that selfish towards them or, or has bugged them or kept them in that little boy role, I've apologized specific Linus today. If I do this again, you can remind me. So I've made myself accountable and well the other day I just went out for appetizers and a beer with one of our sons. I'm not a big drinker. I didn't drink all through the years. We raised, our kids are playing pro football, but we're just sitting there and he said, you know, this is what I've always just wanted to be able to sit down and chill with my dad, have a beer and just have a conversation as a friend. Oh my gosh. How could I have missed that? And how have I crafted an image different than that.

(36:32): I'm trying to repair that right now. So listen, go ask for help from your kids and say, is there a town? How's our relationship? What would move it closer to a 10? What are the things about me that kind of bug ya? And what would you like to see different from me? And then acceptance say thank you to whatever they say. Don't argue with don't defend. Don't explain yourself, just soak it in and take it as your game plan and start working on that. So ask for help from the people you want to relate to on how to better relate with them and how to change a few of the things that you're blind to that have been bugging them.

(37:12): Oh, that's fantastic. Well, I can keep going. I'm already finding a look at the time, how long we're going to talk, which is great. Last time you and I talked to him for a long time. I, I enjoy it so much. How can listeners get ahold of you? What's the best way to follow you? You talked about writing a book, real good men. So how do listeners follow you, reach out to you?

(37:33): Well, if they want that blitz message, how to turn trials into triumphs, how to have an opportunity mindset. There's a website facing the blitz.com and it has a a hundred videos and a one minute videos, short devotions. And then you can purchase the book on there and read some other stuff about that message. But, and there's also a free download of a PDF of a, of a group study for small groups or, you know, dad and the signs that want to go through it. It's called huddle up. So you can find the book, those in the bloods and the huddle up resource, and these one minute encouraging, facing your blitz videos@facingtheblades.com and then relative to all the rest of my speaking and my CEO soul coaching, where I dig in deep to the relationships and identity of CEO's. So they then can build a family life and the company life that they really think God wants them to build, but they haven't been able to do it on their own, be integrate their life with their faith, the soul coaching, and then my team training. And my speaking

(38:36): To men, I call it men for others. That's all. Jeff kept teen.com Jeff camp, teen.com. Great. Well thank you very much for being on the, when home first podcast. I greatly appreciate Jeff and continuing to love learning from you. So thank you very much. Yeah. Good to be talking to another coach and appreciate your coaching towards me and everyone else. Cool. Thank you. I want to thank you for listening to my podcast. When at home first, I am so grateful to hear from listeners like you, that this content has been helpful. So now I would love for you to pay it forward. I want to get this message in the hands of more listeners. We need leaders to be winning both at home and at work, especially during this time. So please take a minute to share this episode with somebody you think would find value in it, as well as rate and subscribe as a thank you, please visit my website@ corymcarlson.com to download a free resource that people are finding value in. Thank you very much.

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