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In this episode, you’ll learn…

  • The 3 biggest mistakes you’re making in your relationships that’s depriving you of living life to the fullest (1:28)
  • Here’s exactly what you have to do to improve your marriage (4:31)
  • Jesus’s greatest miracle that nobody ever talks about (6:07)
  • How high-quality friendships help you avoid making humiliating mistakes (8:34)
  • The trick for living a life of massive growth and achievement (12:21)

Are you crushing it at work but struggling at home? If you want to learn how to win at home, then go to https://CoryMCarlson.com and download your free copy of “10 Ways To Win At Home.”

Read Full Transcript

Welcome to the win at home first podcast. I'm your host, Corey Carlson. This podcast is where we talk about how successful business leaders win, not only at work, but also at home. On this podcast, we will go behind the scenes with great leaders to hear stories of how they win. Thank you for listening and on to today's episode.

(00:24): Who are you investing in and who is investing in you? Hello, welcome to the winning home first podcast. I'm your host, Corey Carlson, and today I want to unpack the second capital of the five categories. First one was spiritual capital and now we'll talk about relational. As Jesus says, the first command is to love God. The second is to love others as ourselves and as we look at that and unpack it more we need to be doing life with other people, not just ourselves, not just our work coworkers, but to actually go a step further. Having friends, having companionships. The devil loves when we don't have time for friends. The devil loves the lone Wolf because the lone Wolf can get taken out, can get discouraged, disappointed, all of a sudden becoming isolated and then all of a sudden becoming vulnerable to be taken out.

(01:19): There are three common excuses and mindsets I want to share today to help us all break them because I know we experienced them at different times in our life. The first one is we feel guilty spending time with friends. Number two, our relationships with men are too shallow and three, it's a phrase we're all commonly heard of if you are the average of your five friends. The first one to unpack is that we feel guilty spending time with friends. I know that this rings true in my own life. A few years ago I was president of sales for a national contractor. Every week I was traveling Monday, I would hop on a plane, go somewhere to spend time with the sales team. At the time I had 30 different direct reports who were salespeople throughout the country, so I'd travel, spend time with them, see their customers, help develop them, discuss their business development plans.

(02:21): Then come the weekend, I'd come home and I'd want to be a super dad and super husband. So it was to make sure I went on my dates, nights with my spouse, make sure I was spending time with the kids and what was in a patent. He comes Sunday night, I pack the bag guy ready for the trip the next time. And as I went through this I, my cups started to just run dry. I just felt I didn't have much to give it. And when I got on the plane I wasn't energetic as I was taco with some, some other people. It just hit me. The fact that aye had no friends and I wasn't doing life within you. So I was coaching a lot of different individuals. I myself kinda forgot my own life and a lot of it was out of guilt because I felt bad that if I traveled all week then Oh, I can't go see friends.

(03:10): I can't go spend time with them. My wife needs me at home. The kids need time with me. But that's not true. That is a lie. Yes. My family needs time with me, but they need a happy me, a thriving me in order so I have more to give to them. Yeah. A few years ago when we were going through some classes at a church that we lived in Denver gonna calendar, this idea is that you need to go on dates with your spouse. You need to go on dates and your kids need to go on dates with your friends. [inaudible] when you hear it on the surface, it's so overwhelming. It's like there's not enough time to do that, but as you started to look at the schedule, they would overlap with each other. So if I got to go out with buddies, does that mean my wife could be home with the kids?

(03:57): Therefore we can kind of check two boxes at one time. If she went out with her girlfriends, then I could be home with the kids. Sure. You said you started seated. It wasn't as intimidating. It was on the surface. And knowing that exercise that we went through and had success in the past, it was time I revisited it to actually start to do it. And me not going out with friends was the guilt I was putting on myself. Matter of fact, my wife loves it when I go out with guys because when I come back, I come back energized. I come back with ideas of what to do with our family, places to go out on dates. Now if I was hanging out with a bunch of dirt bags, obviously my wife would not like that. You know, if I'm going out with guys who are staring up and down at, you know, waitresses or they're talking about how their wives, you know, suck, whatever it may be.

(04:45): Yeah, wasn't the case with me. Instead I was surrounding myself with guys who love their wives talking about how to grow and so when I came back to the house, my wife would be excited. Same goes for me is I love when she goes out with some of her girlfriends cause they're not man haters, they're having fun, they're pouring into her, she comes back, she laughed a lot that night. She's had fun. And so I knew I needed to have friends because I knew it would give me live. And so I went out and found some friends who started doing life with and now I'm in a men's group on Monday nights. I went on a great hiking trip with a bunch of guys in the fall. And so now my orbit of guys in my life is totally different than what it was about four years ago when I hit that low.

(05:31): So if you are in that boat, I encourage you [inaudible] press forward and find those friends to do life with. Jesus is a great example of this as he is with everything. If you look at Jesus' life it has a couple of different orbits of friends that he spent time with. He had his three closest friends and Peter, James and John. Then he ended his 12 disciples that he did live with. And then in Luke nine and 10 and is the 70 that he spent time with. And so Jesus models that well for us, there's a quote that I saw when I was writing the book and went home first that I incorporate in there, but I just love it. It's no one ever talks about Jesus' greatest miracle and it's the fact that he had three close friends in his early thirties and what I love about it is we all can relate because we all have our great buddies in college.

(06:20): Then we graduated from college and they start to kind of fall away because we get married, we have [inaudible] kids, we start getting promoted up the corporate ladder. And so jobs are more time consuming. And as we get through our thirties and our forties [inaudible] all start to lack friends. And so if you are feeling that way, you are not alone because we all need to make good friends and it can be hard. It can absolutely be hard. And so I encourage you to depress in to find out who those friends are. There's this visual, I think we've all seen before where there is a jar and when it's filled correctly, the big rocks go in and then the small rocks go in and they start to fall into the voids and then here comes the, the the sand and it can fill all in to the very top.

(07:11): Well, if it's done the other way, it doesn't work right? If you put the sand in at first, then the little pebbles and then the rocks, the rocks won't fit a professor, it's a video on YouTube that you can see a professor did it where he put in the big rocks like, like you're supposed to. Then you put in the pebbles and then you put in the sand and it filled up to the top and he [inaudible] all the students involved and is it full? And everyone's like, yes, it's full. He reaches down underneath the table, he can't see any, pulls out two beers and he pours two beers into the jar and it doesn't overflow the liquid of the beer. The beer fills all the voids and crevices, so it does not overflow. And I love that it's so true in our own lives where no matter how busy we are, we do have time for a beer with a buddy.

(08:05): Number two, so often I will see this in my own life as well as other people's lives is our relationships with men are too shallow. The reality is the depth of our friendships, the depth of our relationships really go to the depth of what we talk about. If you just have friends, you're just talking about football or the stock market, sports, golf, whatever it may be, that's going to be the depth of your friendship. I shared in a previous episode that I had an affair and I believe that if I had friends that I was talking of things of great [inaudible] talking about Jesus, talking about my strengths, my struggles, it may have caused me to, to not go down the path of the therapy, not blaming, blaming my friends at all for that. But as I look back and reflect, what I saw happen a lot is the friends that I was having at the time, you know, we had, we had a lot of fun.

(09:06): We were, we were going out and having a good time. Well, we weren't necessarily talking about the challenges that we were having. Matter of fact, Holly and I were having arguments or disagreements at time when I talked to my buddies. It seemed like everything was perfect in their marriage. They were having amazing marriages and so I was the only one having a disagreement. And as this kind of continued to wear on, I started a fuel. Maybe I'm the only one in a bad relationship because all the other relationships are going fantastic. So if I would have had friends at that point where we're talking about things of depth and our challenges and our frustrations, then it may very well have been what I needed to course correct. Cause when I moved to Denver, as God started to work in me, he started to surround me with great, cool Christian men because up until that point, the Christian men that I'd ever been exposed to from being a kid up til until that time in Denver until I met some new individuals, it was that perfect Christian veneer like life is great.

(10:09): I go to church, work is good, and my family's good. Life is amazing. And when I started to have my own brokenness, having the affair and just my own different challenges, I almost felt like a, Hey, I D I didn't belong in. And so when I got put around these neat men in Denver, we were talking about their challenges with their marriage or with porn stresses with the boss at work or a coworker, whatever it may be. I started to relate to see they have their challenges, their brokenness, but yet they're still trying to get better. They're still trying to grow and get closer to Jesus. And that's the message that I needed to hear. And at the time God was using that to start to break down my hardened heart of how due to my brokenness, I didn't think I could get close to God again. And he started showing me that it was in fact possible. So we need to have friends in our lives that know our challenges, that know our breakthroughs, that we're praying for them, they're praying for us. And so I encourage you, if you've already found the friends in your life, awesome. Make sure you're getting beers with them like we've talked about in the previous point, but as you're talking with them, ask what do they need prayer for? Be vulnerable. Share how they can be praying for you.

(11:31): you're unstoppable at work at home. It's another story. Sound like you. Good news. I'm here to help. If you're ready to win at home, then go to Corey M carlson.com and download your free copy of 10 ways to win at home.

(11:50): The third limitation or mindset that I see holding men back from doing life with others of significance is a quote that we've heard before from Jim Roan is you are the average of your five friends. I've heard it said differently as well as show me your friends and I will show you your future. Yeah. Idea behind this is who we surround ourselves with. Well, bring out the best or in some situations the worst in us depending on the type of individuals that they are and if we are going to achieve greatness, we have got to surround ourselves with people that are pursuing greatness and not just mediocrity. A couple of examples just to share with you that we've seen before in either our own lives or other people's lives, if you've ever wanting to lose weight, more than likely the group of friends that you're with, you're probably going to have to find different friends.

(12:47): If the current group of friends you hang out with, it's all about pizza, beer and wings. If you start to want to lose weight and do more exercise, eating healthy, then you will have to do some pivoting to find new friends that you believe. All of those lifestyle changes. It is very difficult to try to be the fit person in a group of unhealthy individuals. It's swimming upstream very, very difficult. If you are trying to improve your financial wealth, you can't spend all your time around these different spenders as opposed to those that are investing and stewarding their money well. Similarly, if you are walking in your life without a relationship with Jesus, then all of a sudden you begin a relationship with Jesus. There's going to have to be a change and those that you walk with so that you don't get tripped up again into bad habits and so it's going to be finding people in your life that can help grow you spiritually.

(13:48): And so we know it applies to that in those different areas. We've heard that we've been a part of it. So same thing for where you're at right now. If you are wanting to grow in different areas, you're alive to another level, then you're going to have to surround yourself with those friends that can help get you there. You know, for me it's, I need to have a few people that are way ahead of me spiritually to keep me growing, to teach me more about the theology, teach me how to live a life closer to Jesus. And so I love being challenged by my friends that are further along spiritually. I have friends that they continue to have great ideas and disciplines around how they do time with their family. I have a buddy that just started Tik Tok channel with his daughter too. Work on, you know, being more engaged and I love that.

(14:38): It's an encouragement to me to continue to, to look, to win at home first. And so finding my friends might influence how to continue to bring home those good ideas financially, surround myself with those that are ahead of me financially. How can I learn from them? And so looking to surround yourselves with people that are ahead of you so that you can learn. And so praying for God to put those people in your life to help you grow. We also need to be discipling and growing others. So I also encourage you to pray about who is behind you that you could be investing in and spending some time with. Obviously they've gotta be willing to grow and want to spend time with you. I love the idea of having a mentor is 10 years ahead of you that you can learn from.

(15:28): It'll be pouring into them as well, but you're also learning from them. And then a mentor is 10 years behind or a mentee obviously on Oh, as far as the conversation. And so for you, if this is a, a roadblock at the moment where you're not getting good traction [inaudible] because you are somewhat surrounded by a group that is not interested in growing. And I encourage you to pray for people in your life and maybe you could have a closer orbit with. So we talked a little bit about Jesus had his three and he had his 12 he had that group of three that really good help him move along. Then the greater group of just a 12 and so for you in your life, what does that look like in order to achieve greatness? In order to be a great leader and contribute well at home as well as at work, we have got to be filling our tank up and who you do life with and making sure that you're investing in people, but people are also invested in you.

(16:30): Well keep that cup full, overflowing. I love the sane. Are you a river reservoir? [inaudible] reservoir? Does it have anything? Inputs it just sending out water. Not much inputs where a river, it's got inputs, it's got creeks and tributaries coming in and making it stronger. So as it gets further downstream, it's wider and stronger and just more velocity and force. Much like our own lives. If we don't have people pouring into us and we don't have much to give, it's just gonna be a small little trickle on the stream [inaudible] people are pouring into us and we're doing live with it, then it can be a stronger force. So I encourage you to overcome the guilt that you have [inaudible] of spending time with friends in working with your spouse, to schedule that time to be with your guy friends. I encourage you the relationships that they're too shallow to take that step and go for depth in the last is you are the average of your five friends and me praying is who can help you take your areas of growth spiritually, relationally to that next level. Excited to see how each of us grow in the relational capital space. And until next time, keep winning at home. On the next episode we'll be talking about physical capital, it how are managing your time and your energy. Thank you.

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