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Have you ever been in a situation where someone else “triggered” you? It probably left you feeling angry or frustrated for the rest of the day. The problem with that is, when it happens, it winds up stealing all your time and energy from more productive tasks.

In this episode, Ray and Christy dive deep into what causes you to be triggered, questions to help refocus your emotions and the best ways to overcome that anger.

Show Highlights Include:

  • The surprising way that triggering events are actually the best thing that could happen to you (4:46)
  • Make this one quick mindset shift when you are angry, and you’ll never be frustrated with other people ever again (5:58)
  • Why being quick to label situations as “wrong” is keeping you from reaching your full potential (10:05)
  • How the judgments you make about other people reveal your own shortcomings and insecurities (15:18)
  • When someone sends you into a blind rage, defuse the situation by asking this one simple question (15:54)
  • The astonishing reason you can’t stop projecting your emotions on to other people, and how to break the cycle (17:43)
  • 5 steps you can take to show compassion to others and stop living your life in fear (28:40)

Ready to co-create the perfect life with your partner? Head over to http://bothonboard.com/ to get your free special report on “7 Game-changers for Highly Effective Entrepreneurial Couples” and level up your life, business, and relationship.

Read Full Transcript

Because you're judging that person, then that person in return gets to judge you and it becomes this energetic exchange that never feels good because that becomes just a battle. And we're looking at it from our perspective, but then we forget that that person has a perspective of their own.

Hey, I'm Christy and I'm Ray. And our passion is to inspire entrepreneurial couples to cocreate the life and business of their dreams and enjoy the ride. Together, we built three successful businesses. We have a beautiful three year old daughter and we pride ourselves on living a life by design. And our goal is to help you do the same. Are you ready to take your relationship, your health, and your wealth to the next level? If so, let’s do this.

(00:49): All right, so we've got a great episode for you today. I'm really excited and passionate And I'm going to do my best to make sure it's digestible and, and fun and simple and easy to understand. And yet it's been something I've been working on for a while. There's a book called the way of mastery and I've read this chapter, it's less than three, and it's about forgiveness. I read her like seven or eight times and it hasn't begun to fully integrate on up until recently. And I've had a few examples where I can share with you being open and vulnerable of how forgiveness has made a big difference in my life. So really, and triggers and judgements, we're going to go over all unpack all what that means and how you could use it to really, you know, be more at peace and love and joy. And we were talking about in the prior episode about taking responsibility and how this ties in forgiveness is once you take responsibility, that's the first commitment.

(01:42): Well then the second commitment. Then if you're going to be responsible and own all your reactions and own that, all things that all events are neutral is then begin to forgive those past things that you've done and begin to embrace them so that you can ultimately be at peace, love, and joy, which is what we want. How does that relate to both on board? If you're not at peace, love and joy within yourself, which is what you naturally are, how can you be at peace, love, and Jerome with your family, much less with your lovely spouse. So that's what we're going to unpack. We're going to keep it simple and there'll be some key takeaways here for you guys. So I'm really excited about the psoas, Christie, and where do we start?

(02:18): I spent the last hour listening to Ray colon Bray rants rants about forgiveness and about all this amazing stuff that he's been focusing on and learning. And what came up for me was what really shines through and what he's talking about, his triggers. So how we get triggered. And I recently went to lunch with a, with a friend who is also a listener of the both onboard podcast. And she pointed out a few different things. And one of the things that came up was being triggered by the people in your life, right? And then there's also the whole responsibility piece of, okay, well this is, there's something in me that's getting, it's not the other person. If I'm choosing and, and, and if I'm choosing to live in responsibility, then there's something here for me to learn, which is our belief. So when something gets triggered, we can react, which is what we talked about and, and blame and be the victim.

(03:15): We can say it's their fault, we can complain about it, right? Or, and, or cause sometimes we do both. First we do that, then we say, okay, well what is it? And this is one of our questions, like what is there for me to learn here? And especially in those recurring things that constantly come up and we all have different triggers but they usually show up in the form of some kind of reaction that you don't choose that just comes up in that moment. Right? So sometimes it's our spouse, sometimes it's our children, sometimes it's our, you know, other family members, our friends, our employees, our employers, those people which we talked about in the responsibility episode that trigger something in us. And a trigger is just something gets emotionally charged and usually not in a positive way.

(04:05): And talk about how you feel. How do you know when that gets it? Well, usually it's very in the body. You have to breathe shallow. You start to feel that that empty feeling stomach you, you start to tense up. Like that's how you'd know that that's coming up.

(04:17): And what is usually anger or you know, discomfort or some, some kind of thing that we relate like unpleasant feelings, usually peace anymore. You have fear, you're, you're not, you're in a negative place. Right? And then we choose, we can choose obviously to blame the other person and do all that. But while we're talking about when we say responsibility is we get to learn something in this, we get to be the quote unquote bigger person, even though it's not a comparison, but we get to come from our highest self and choose to learn something from this. And more importantly, which we'll get into further along the lines is forgive that part of us that had that experience that was negative and learn from it. And it's a process. So we're looking to kind of keep it, keep things as simple as possible, but, and it is a very complex conversation that we are choosing to have today. So stick with us. And one of the

(05:10): Things too, like I love that she said that there's levels to forgiveness. Guys, I've read this chapter eight times and it takes time. That's why we're in this physical plane because it takes time to actually learn something and then to actually implement it and actually live it and embody yet. So, but again, that's what time is for, right? So if you think of this as a big school, that's what this really is. That's what our life is, is a big school to learn. And then when learning is over, you're done, right? So again, just understand that except as wherever you're at and there's levels to this and like let's go back to responsibility baby. Cause this is level two was forgiveness. Like you know, once, once you accept responsibility, one of the things that got from the book is nothing you've experienced has ever been caused by anything outside of you. That's what it means. Take full responsibility that you are the cause that you choose every experience because you choose the meaning that experience

(05:58): And not the cause. Like, Oh, why didn't you like then you get into that victim mode like that, Oh, why did I do this to myself? Or why do I always, and we have those extremes, you know, within ourselves and we see it in other people. It's like, Oh, woe is me. Everything's my fault. All you know I do. I can't do anything. Right? Right. Those kinds, that kind of energy where it's like, that's not what we're talking about here. What we're talking about is that I am the cause. I am the reason why this is happening. And I get to learn from it and I get to use it for my benefit and for my betterment and for my growth versus Oh, what was me

(06:33): Or reacting to it. That's when you're not taking responsibility, right? Correct. So let's move on to the next step. So if you're committed to the path, right? Step one from the prior podcast here, we're going to be responsible. Then things are going to come up for you. These things are going to come up so that you can embrace them, right? This is a creation. You made this, this thing that's being triggered in you from somebody, whatever it is you created that the only reason you're feeling that is because you have done that. ULA had that energy in you. That's why you're feeling it. So when they are triggering you, it's something in yourself that's being triggered that you've judged, that you've made wrong.

(07:05): So that's where the judgment comes in. That's, that's kind of the, the, the next thing. Once you get triggered, you either react or you can choose to. In our case, what we want to promote more of is to be more engaged with it and be inquisitive. Like think like, what is this in me? That's, you know, getting triggered, right? And then once you have that awareness, obviously it may be difficult in the moment if you're having a conversation, but this can be maybe for later on after the situation happens, but then you become inquisitive. What is it in me that's getting triggered? And there's always, we always, we talk a lot about powerful questions. So you start to ask yourself those questions like why do I continue to get triggered like that by my mother in law? Or why do I continue to, to, to react this way when my child does this? And, and, and it's also a choice of saying, you know what? And it's that awareness of saying, I don't want to continue to do this or I don't want to continue to get triggered by this.

(08:00): And that awareness comes from taking responsibility. So one of the key questions I begin to ask myself is, what is this moment teaching me? But again, awakening requires discipline and vigilance. One, the commitment would be to deliver responsibility and to then as you live your, your ordinary life, day to day things are going to come up for you. Are you going to be vigilant and have the discipline to start to really question it or you're going to react that choice is yours. So maybe let's define judgment and then let's define projection so that they understand. And then from the negative standpoint, right? Cause this is what's coming up. So now, Hey, I've made the commitment to be responsible in my life and these things are coming up, these negative things are coming up. I'm reacting to them when really I sh when really I, I, I may want to embrace this so that I can actually learn and grow from. And so these triggers that are coming up for me. Okay. So let's define what it means to be in judgment of what's showing up. So

(08:51): In judgment, and we can obviously look at the tech, you know, technology, the, the, the, the definition of it. But we, when I, when I think of judgment, I think of I'm making something wrong. I'm making something not be part of, like I, I don't want it to be a part of my reality. So I am choosing to say that this is not right. This should not be this way versus allowing what is and being, you know, accepting what is right. It's a lot of acceptance for me. And it also usually is triggered, right? So we talked about the trigger and it's, and it's from something that somebody else is doing or saying or the way they're acting. And it's me in judgment of them saying, no, that's wrong, and what I think is right. And that is very, it lacks what we go for, which is love, right?

(09:40): It goes into, into fear-based, it goes into anger. It goes into all of these negative things that we're choosing not to live in. The more we learn and grow and evolve. So it's saying something is wrong. It's like I think that what you're doing is not correct and I want you to do it my way. And that can obviously lead to Oh, snowball, okay. Issues when we are constantly in judgment of other people. And then not just to mention that, then also judgment of ourselves sometimes. So sometimes it's within ourselves. So we get triggered by something and it's like I am judging myself because I used to do this or I did this in the past. And then so getting into that conversation. So with anything that you're making wrong versus accepting what is

(10:18): Amen and what you're making wrong. The only reason you can make a wrong or see that energy and another is because you've had that in yourself. Like you've had that energy in yourself. And if you really look within, it's something that you don't want to accept it and you, so you'd not only are you judging that feeling in yourself, so you're making yourself wrong for it, but then because you don't want it, you don't want to own it. You're not taking responsibility for it. You don't want to be with it. You project that out like you throw up on somebody else. So you throw that out, you, you disown what you don't want to own within. So you've got, you have to project that out, right? Cause otherwise it creates toxicity in the body, right? But now when you project that out, you're making the other person wrong. Now you're judging them. You're projecting what you don't want to see in yourself and now you're judging them. You're eliciting guilt in them, right? You're saying, Hey, this other person, they're wrong, right? I'm there. They're guilty.

(11:06): And I think what comes up to me when you, when you, when we say that as well, like what you were saying with the judgment side of things, it's also then becomes a like a PLA, like you open yourself up for judgment as well. Like you, you get you, you, because you're judging that person. Then that person in return gets to judge you and it becomes this energetic exchange that never feels good because that becomes just a battle. Like, Oh no, you're wrong. No, I'm wrong. No, we're looking at it from our perspective, but then we forget that that person has a perspective of their own and we only see what we, what's right in front of us, but we don't see the depth of, you know, what that person is.

(11:44): We don't even see what's right in front of us. We see what we perceive as what's in front of us.

(11:49): Right. And, and I think that happens a lot too. It's a, it's probably a clearer example. I, it gets more, I think it gets more triggered when it's people close to us, but when we see someone maybe cut somebody off in, in, in the line or is talking negatively to somebody else and you kind of have that feeling of like, Oh, that's not right, like why? Why is that person doing that? And we don't see the full depth of what's really going on there. And then that's like a good example I would say, of what that feeling feels like of, of, of Oh, that's wrong yet. I'm just looking at it from Christie's perspective. I don't see race perspective and I don't see them billions and billions of other perspectives that are out there because we all, we've talked about it before. We all have very different and unique experiences and pass and opinions and all this stuff gets kind of thrown into what judgment becomes, which is like, you're wrong and I'm right.

(12:37): And guys that right and wrong don't exist. We made it up. Really everything is neutral and yet we get so caught up at times. And what I've learned from a spiritual teacher that Christie was listening to you know today as well as, you know from this book is your family is really your journey to forgiveness, your journey to responsibility. Like, like they weren't chosen at random by the universe. Like they were a reason why these people are around you and why God chose to put them in your family. It's so that they help you grow and why are you getting triggered by them? So rather than looking at them as this person's wrong, why didn't accept it as an opportunity to grow and learn and expand and forgive and take responsibility. So I'm blessed that all these people are my family because they're here so that I can grow so that I can evolve, right? So that I can learn. That's why they're here. So there are no accidents, skies in the universe.

(13:23): And then once that judgment comes up in you, then the kind of, I could say third step would be then the projection of, okay, so since you did this, then this is how I'm going to react and how I'm gonna, you know, play out this, this back and forth game of making you wrong so that you know that I'm right. And I know we all can relate to that kind of conversation where it's like, no, there's no other way. This is the way to do it. And what you're doing is not correct and I need to correct it for you.

(13:51): Yeah. One of the, one of the things that books say that I've kind of highlighted 10 times is you judge harshly because you fear that energy in yourself and you've remembered, hi, how heartful you've been when you can, when you operate from that energy. So again, this idea of it takes one to know one. Yeah. Because you're operating from that same energy. You don't want to own it. So you're, you're throwing it up on somebody else. How does this affect both on board? Well, if you're kicking your own butt all day, all I have left to give my lovely Christie is whatever I've been doing on myself. So I ended up projecting this to her and then it triggers something with her and then she projects something back to me. And when we get caught up in this vicious cycle,

(14:26): And this is all like as Ray, every time Ray starts to speak, my mind goes off on tangents, but this is all based on depending on what you believe in and if you believe that that you can only love others to the extent that you love yourself, then that's where these kinds of things come into play, where you're projecting onto other people. Really just how you feel about yourself. And I've heard it many times and even as Ray is speaking at I kind of question and I'm like really? Like is that and but there's something in me that knows that it's the truth in the sense that when I think back to examples of when I've been triggered, when I've judged people, I, when I've projected onto people, my beliefs and my way of of seeing things, it's the truth. It's just all it comes back to is how I feel about myself and how and the reality that I've chosen to believe about myself.

(15:16): That is how I show up in the world. And that can be energetically, that can be through my words, through my actions, through my thoughts, through my feelings. And it's just that energy level like, like people, people, people like they, they resonate with that energy, with the vibration. And then the more you, which is what we've been doing for the last, I'd say year, year and a half, the more you get better at honing in that energy, in keeping it on my side. Like even though Ray is triggering this in me, I for example, I am choosing to figure out what is it in me that's getting triggered? What is it in me that's feeling lack? What? What? What is in me that I can love more so that I don't feel this way. Even if he chooses to continue acting this,

(15:57): It goes back to the Magcon hashtag love yourself more, not less. Right. It really, it's really true.

(16:03): It's all, it's all for us. Like it really is. And, and you know, one of our other beliefs that is one of the premises of both on board is that your, your significant other is your biggest, your greatest personal development tool. So I'm not saying that we, don't you know this by now, I'm sure, but we're not saying we're not perfect. We're not saying that we're perfect. We're not saying that we don't fight. We're not saying that we don't have issues and disagreements. And the more that we do this work and the more that we see that what he's thinking and feeling and saying and doing is all I'm doing is looking at that from my side. Like, I don't know what's going on inside his head. I don't know what's going on inside his body. I dunno what he's truly feeling. All I'm seeing is that my reaction or my response, whichever you choose to do, is all up to me.

(16:49): It's all my responsibility and that's what this super complex conversation is about. And really being aware of that and having that awareness and having that, that tool to say, you know what, I'm being, and that's not to say that I don't react. Like Ray loves to say that I'm super involved and all that stuff, but I have bad moments. Everybody does. And when I do choose that, when I do choose to say, why am I getting triggered by this? Why am I not feeling 100% on this, on this situation, or what? What is it that I'm projecting onto him or on to, you know, whoever it is that I'm, you know, relating to what is that? And then you, you bring those questions in and you and you, you, you become insightful to yourself. That's where the magic happens and that's what we want to get good at.

(17:32): Yeah. One of the things, as you were mentioning about projection, that that kind of like, I, I just got it now is when you project that to somebody else, not only, you know what's crazy that it's hard to get out of projection is because then baby, you become attached to that projection because you, you're there, it's so negatively charged that you're tied up in it because you want to disown it, right? You're not accepting it. So then you become attached to it and the other person, like it's, it's a vicious cycle. So it gets worse. I just made that realization now as we're talking. So it's, it's, it's something that's super, super interesting

(18:06): Again. So, and then just what comes from projection? Well, there's guilt. If you react a way that's not, you know, in an alignment with your highest self, you feel

(18:16): Well, hold on. Guilt in both people, right? Cause you're, you're making the other person feel guilty when the truth is they're innocent and you're innocent. But there's guilt being elicited within you and within them.

(18:26): And then that leads to grudges, right? And, and, and, and resentment and disconnection. And everything's negative. Yeah. And then the beauty of this is that once you start to become aware of it is that you see where this continues to show up in your life in different situations but in very similar patterns in, in, in very similar circumstances. And you realize that you are constantly reacting, right? We talked about that in the prior episode. Again in the same way expecting a different return or a different,

(19:00): Well let's, let's talk about that too. Cause like something in there when these things, these, this path, these things keep showing up for you because at a soul level, your soul wants forgiveness and wants to embrace it. So that's why it keeps coming up for you. And here's what really happens. If you're more hard headed like Ray, is it not like more gentle and Christy is you don't get the message and then the message comes to you another way and it will usually feel a lot more intense. Now I may not be in that intense and actuality, but it will feel like it's a lot more intense. Why? Cause you're not getting the message and you're hurting everyone around you and you're hurting yourself. Okay? So now that we've addressed what the TA, what, what, what it is now, let's create some processes and give you an example. Something I went through recently walking you through this process of forgiveness. So this is a process and again guys, we really wanted to share this with you and ladies, we want to share this with you from a place of like, we don't have all this figured out and we're practicing. We're committed to practicing this daily as things show up for us as things trigger us, right? So all right, so let's start with that process. Or unless you had anything else to say before we go there baby.

(20:05): Well I just think that w what we kind of breezed through it a little bit, but the question that becomes, you know, critical and essential and asking yourself when you do catch yourself in being triggered in judgment and projection is what is this moment teaching me? And that can be a loaded question. That's good for your soul. But sometimes it can be like, you can still be in that, in that fight or flight mode where you're like, nothing. Like they're just teaching me that that person's a jerk and I need to get them out of my life. Or you know, like that feeling of like, well, if that person just did this differently than I wouldn't feel this way anymore. So really going deep and asking that question again. What is this moment teaching me? Because there's something there for you to learn and once accept that and really embrace that.

(20:50): That's where all the magic happens and that's where you feel like you have some control and you have some ability to respond in a better, more productive, not better, but in a more productive, in a more health, healthy way where you can continue to live in joy and peace and, and, and abundance no matter what. Right? So that's, you know, figuring out what that goal would be for you. For me it's peace. For Ray, it could be joy, but like constantly getting back to that place and if something is disrupting that, then I asked that question, what is this moment teaching me?

(21:19): One of the other things I like to ask too is knowing that I am the source of my experience you know, Hey, I'm feeling disturbed. What is it in me that needs to be healed? Like same question, but then I have a little different perspective. Sometimes you ask the question a little bit differently. Like one in me is coming up to be healed, to be embraced. Guys, that's what's coming up. It's something in you coming up so that you can finally embrace it. What it really means guys and ladies is this is something that you've created. You've created, taking full responsibility. Nothing is happening to, you've created this judgment and this perception and this illusion yourself and it's coming back home to you so that you can embrace your creation with love, with light, with peace, and then make another choice. There is no right or wrong, but if you won't accept responsibility for your creations, the monkey Ponting you forever.

(22:03): And so with asking that question, what comes up for me is the curiosity and the awareness of saying, okay, well I don't want to continue feeling this way about this person or about this quote unquote problem or about this circumstance that we've got going on. So I'm going to get curious. I'm going to become aware of what's really happening here by asking that question and you know, similar ones to that, but like really getting clear on what what's coming up and maybe that's journaling, maybe that's, you know, talking it out with someone, meditating on meditation, just giving it silence, giving it space for us that can sometimes be talking to it with like talking about it to each other and there's so much power in going within and really either journaling it or even sometimes I'll like I'll do voice notes or just just breathing with it and being with it and letting it, let it, feeling it out, feeling out the trigger, feeling out the anger, feeling out

(22:59): Like it might as key. I remember one of our experts who just says, Hey look, I might this thing to T it's coming up for you rather than me. Don't judge it please guys. Cause if we guys, we've been judging this stuff that's coming, the guys and ladies, we've been judging up to stuff that's coming up for us and when we judge it, we go back to that vicious circle. Like nothing's changing. It's coming up for you again and again so you can embrace it. So what I'm sharing with you is let's do some different,

(23:20): The next thing that that for me is, was, has been key is, and it's acceptance but also and also like not taking things. So personally, that is huge for me because I am what some may call an empath. So I feel everybody else's pain. So even if I did react or, or I'd snapped at somebody or does it mean I would then go on and feel bad for them, I would feel bad for myself. I'd feel bad for the whole situation and the environment. [inaudible]

(23:46): Lonely duck, that's all the whole thing. And then she'd want to heal the duck.

(23:51): And so for me, my, one of my things like what is this moment teaching me is one of the things that I've learned throughout this process, especially this last, these last I'd say six months is like not to take things so personally. Like the reason why people show up and the reason, the way they show up and they act the way they act and they do the things they do is for their, their reasons and that's not my responsibility and that's not my place to correct or to take on, which is what I usually do is I take on their pain, I take on their, their, their, their feelings, their drama, their, their, you know, negativity

(24:26): For lack of a better term. You take on that you would actually in the past take on their projection, you would actually take it on and try it out and walk with it.

(24:34): And so, so really re reminding myself like, like don't take it personal. Like just because the cashier is, you know, in a cranky mood and doesn't say hi and, and, and throws your stuff. Like that's not my summary responses.

(24:47): Your responsibility is to accept it as what it is and not judge them,

(24:52): Does them right. Not be like, okay, well I'm going to match that. Right. I remember doing that one time with my and my grandmothers. We went to to to the grocery store with my grandma and she had like these, like she had a coupon and then the lady behind us started to just get really annoyed because the cashier didn't know what to do with the coupon and I was, I mean I was probably like 19 or 20 but I turned around and I just stared her down like to the point where I, afterwards I was like, what is wrong with me? Like the Hialeah came out and I was about to go, you know, take her outside because she was being so rude to my grandmother and my mom and the cashier and it was just, now I think back on my Holy moly, like talk about judgment and projection and being triggered and, and, and running with it.

(25:39): Like letting it be rampant and go wild and for what, then she gave me a bad look. Then I said something, she said something and then my grandma, and then not to mention my poor grandmother in the middle, like looking at me like calm down. But then those, I mean that's just a blatant example, but in any type of situation like [inaudible], and I'm sure you guys can think of something even just today or yesterday or last week where you've been in that place. And not that it doesn't happen to us, but boy do we just go deep on on getting curious on figuring it out and accepting it. And even if you do react, even if you do respond in a way that is not congruent with your highest self, don't even judge that. You know, just like let it go

(26:21): Except to, so one of the things that she had that I love, what she said is, guys, when you forgive, it's never about the other person. It's forgiving that judgment and misperception in you. But that's what this is about. This is forgiveness isn't for them. It's for you And you can still send energetic forgiveness to them for whatever.

(26:38): And when you send it to them, you're not responsible for them accepting it or not. That's their sole. Right. So the other thing that she said that it brought up a couple of things in me is all the venture really neutral. You don't know what that person's going on. You don't know what you don't know there. W you know what's going on and not just are they neutral. Everyone is innocent, like no one's out to get you. You know? So let's walk through the forgiveness process baby. Unless you have anything else you want to go over before that. Yup. So let's go through that. So, and then we'll give you an example of it. So let me walk you through this. First step is, Hey, step one, I am the source of my experience. I'm feeling this term so I'm just coming up. What does it in mean that needs to be healed.

(27:14): Journal that out. Feel that out. But breathe into it. Like feel. Remember these judgments lie in the body. They constrict the body. So this is very experiential. This is not like in your head. Whoa. Let me think about it. You know, know like this is coming up in your feeling body to feel. Remember the head is this numb? Pardon the word stupid servant of the awakened heart. Your goal is to feel it in the heart. That's not the only level it can be released. This is a feeling, not a feeling, an emotion. This is not in your head, right? Don't analyze this, don't analyze this. Get into your body with it. Once you've done that, Christie's beautiful question. What is it within this person's energy that is really causing my reaction? Like what is it? And then that's being, what is it in? What is it?

(27:58): What is this thing triggering in me? Right? So once you gentlemen feel that out, okay, cool. Once you know what the energy is, call it, whatever it is called, a criticism, call a judgment, whatever that is. Okay? Then step three, what have I done that have somebody else like feel it in your body? Like where have I been critical about it? There's one of one of, I did that myself. Right? Cause that's what's, that's what's coming up for you to heal. It's whenever you've done that and you're not accepting it, so now you're going to feel that memory come up with that is, and it's going to hurt your heart. It's going to feel like constriction. It's going to feel negative, it's going to feel heavy, it's going to feel dark, right? Once that energy comes back, rather than judge it, right? It's your creation coming back to you.

(28:34): So you can embrace it and transform it and say, wow, you know what? I've really been critical. I can be that. And then step four, forgive yourself, right? This is something I use. I forgive myself for being critical. I forgive my judgment of myself because I'm the, I'm the one judging that, that creation that I created and I'm responsible and then I choose to teach only love. I choose to be only love, right? That's step four again. And then as you forgive yourself in your own mind, you know, something that I, I've started to do is ask the Holy spirit to then replace my perception with the truth and see the innocent, like not only within myself, but within that other, the person. And then lastly, this is the game changer. When everything starts, the magic starts to happen. What is this critical energy in them masking?

(29:12): What are they really crying out for? What does this other soul really need? Right? And then what happens guys is you create a space because you're showing up differently. You forgiven yourself. So now you can see the whole story of what makes them feel this way, what's going on with them? And then you know what shows up guys, compassion, love for another. And then you can see that God, look at a situation. This is him or her. Look at what, look at what their world has been. Their life has been. And then you can feel nothing again. Compassion is not to feel bad for them or sorry for them, but you can begin to have coal sympathy with them, right? Not co suffering, but really understand where they're coming from and really love them and not judge them. Guys, you can't love somebody for judging them.

(29:55): So they're there. They're two opposite energies. And again, the last, final step is what is it that this action is mirroring to me? What does it masking within them? Like what does this like begin to get to, like what is this act? What is their action mirroring to me, what does it, what does it in that action that is marrying to me and what does it masking within him? Okay. So again, you, you'll begin to feel compassion. So that's, those are the five steps. We encourage you guys to do these five steps and then, and then I think an example of us walking through this with feel good. We're almost close to our time, but I think an example feels good. So I'm going to roll with it to give you guys a physical example. And usually these things come up in your family and baby, you know, give me some feedback as you saw it is normally I'm very attached to a lot of different things and, and, and, and the way I get and things like that.

(30:40): And I have a family member. We were talking about different things and, and I was attached to them, you know, taking certain actions, whether it be invest with us or do something with us. And they had the energy of over analyzing, overthinking, going back and forth. Hey, I have to, I have to see if my dog wants to invest and I got a C. But I was, I had almost like wanted it more than they wanted. I was attached, I was attached to them, I was attached to them doing whatever I had said. And it was just a negative energy me. And what was really showing up guys, when I asked myself that first question, right? You know, like what, what is it? Is it, what is triggering me is my old self. My 2005 six was being over, analyzed, overthinking things over critical and then living in fear.

(31:23): And I hadn't, even though I've transcended that behavior, I don't do that behavior anymore. At times I still do and I hadn't forgiven myself for that energy. So it keeps showing up for me because I hadn't forgiven myself, I haven't forgiven the old self. So because that old self I hadn't forgiven. That energy was coming up through me and once I saw the light and I forgave it and I accepted and I, I apologize for that, for that energy. Then I saw his plight, I saw his thing, I go, you know what, dang, if he doesn't do anything he's going to be working in this job for another 10 15 years. And I could totally see through his family history cause I know the family, how he could be that way, how he could think that way. And then we got into things about money and investing in how their family and our family did it and how some of our families were still in suffering that the money didn't really matter.

(32:09): So we were able to, because I mentioned to him and I asked for forgiveness, he totally got it totally accepted. We had the most heart to heart talk. I'm not attached to whether he does or does not, but I was more showing them, look, I'm compassionate with your situation. And I've shared things with him that I've never shared before because I hadn't accept that into myself. So again, it created, I'm so passionate about this guys because it created a whole new relationship and I've known this person my whole life. So to be able to have a different perspective, be at peace no matter what happens. And again, I'm not attached to it. And, and, and now we have a much better relationship and they forgave me. And, but more importantly, I forgave myself and, and my judgments of it. So again, I love it guys. That's, that's what I got it. I hope that you guys got value from that baby. Would you like to leave our amazing, our amazing listeners with anything else from that story that I shared with you guys, I share with you more in depth. I'm just excited now. But what did you get when I told you that story baby?

(33:06): I think for me is that is just really being aware of what disturbs your peace. And that's my new thing is like I don't want things for the most part to disturb my piece in it. They are disturbing my peace and I want to find ways to either eliminate them or having a relationship with them. And so I rather go through the kinds of complex and in depth and, and I'd say even a little bit

(33:32): Difficult and heavy emotional process. Like, like once I did this, like I was like, okay, I'm emotionally done for the day.

(33:38): And then gut through that. And then versus staying in that vicious cycle of the trigger and then being in judgment and then having that, that, that projection and then, and then the more you show up for it, the more it's going to show up to you. And so almost eliminating that as much as possible. And it can mean different things to different people. It might mean eliminating the relationship for a little while. It might mean, you know, exiting from a situation or a circumstance that you, you know, it's hard for you to, you know, like big doing the hard things so that it becomes easier versus staying in that vicious cycle that is never gonna [inaudible]

(34:15): And it's going to get heavier. So doing that, doing that work upfront, right, so that, so that you can release it and move on. And I think it's rather than not embrace it, embrace it, take it on. That's why it's coming up for you. That's what we're sharing with you.

(34:28): Right. And it's work. It takes, it takes conscious effort. It takes a stepping up to the plate. It takes, you know, being vulnerable. It takes being honest with yourself. Commitment, a big commitment. And, and, and again, then the vice, you know, kind of like the, the, the, the, the other edge of the sword would be to then come from a like, Oh, I'm a grandiose, I'm, I'm, I'm better than you. I'm bigger than you. Like not letting that take, you know, like that ego side take take. It's just, I choose peace and I choose love. And you can choose whatever you want to choose, but know that this is where these are my boundaries and this is what I choose and no matter what, I'm not going to let anything disturb that and just coming from that neutral,

(35:09): Calm, just peaceful energy. I choose. I choose to live in peace, love and joy no matter what and when it comes up, the opportunity to be disturbed, I'm going to, I'm going to fully dig in and commit to it so that I can get back to peace, love, and joy no matter what. And then that

(35:25): Actually it might sound a little bit challenging in the process, but once you get good at that, then that becomes so much easier and it becomes you. You become more relaxed and you become more open and you just become more of yourself, which is

(35:38): Our, you know the reason why we love talking about all this stuff, it's just you get to just be you and and nothing gets to disturb your peace. Last thing we'll leave it on is a little piece of the book. Judgment is contraction. Forgiveness is relaxation, relaxation, peace, trust, and faith. Love you guys. Thanks for hanging out with us and listening to the bolts on board podcasts. Go to our website@bothonboard.com to receive your free special report on seven game changers for highly effective entrepreneurial couples. You can also connect to this on Facebook and Instagram at both on board. If you got value from us, please subscribe to our channel and leave an amazing five star review so we can help others get on board to co create the life and business of the dreams and enjoy the rug. We hope to connect to these soon.

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