Being complete as you come to the relationship. For the most part, there's that even exchange, almost that equalness, that true energetic equality of saying we're both here. We're both showing up. We're both 100% and we're both going to grow from this place.
Hey, I'm Christy and I'm Ray. And our passion is to inspire entrepreneurial couples to cocreate the life and business of their dreams and enjoy the ride. Together, we built three successful businesses. We have a beautiful three year old daughter and we pride ourselves on living a life by design. And our goal is to help you do the same. Are you ready to take your relationship, your health, and your wealth to the next level? If so, let’s do this.
(00:48): All right, so we're back. We have an amazing episode for you guys today. And last week we had our first, I didn't tell this word to Christie, but I just made it up last night in my sleep last week we had a HERposode, get it her, her episode. So it was a ladies' episode. We're going to do more of that in the future where Christie would ask me questions. And again, just a great episode, great Herposode and how about a sheep? A sewed a shepa episode, a lady's episode and it was wonderful. So this week on the topic of that, now we're going to do a both episode and on the both what we really want to get clear on and we've gotten clear on over time, so we're going to go over where we started, what it used to mean and what it means now. What does it mean to be both onboard?
(01:38): Well, I think we get that question a lot. M as far as, you know, the basics of how do we spend so much time together or how do we, you know, not kill each other in the office or how do we compartmentalize and stop talking about business. And we've, we express a lot of different, I guess, examples of what we do throughout our days. Obviously through our, through all these episodes that we've been sharing with you guys. And it's very important for us to, to just really see how much we've evolved and how much this whole concept continues to evolve. And so one of the things that we just want to touch on and just really get clear on is what it means to be both on board and, and, and also what it doesn't mean, right? Cause once you realize what it doesn't mean their space to create what it does mean.
(02:25): And again, it's constantly evolving just as we are, we're always learning, we're always growing, we're always finding new ways of doing things. And that's what we love about this platform, about being able to share this with all of you is just really being vulnerable and raw and real. And know that things shift and things change. And I remember when we first started recording these, these podcast episodes, I would kind of get nervous. I'm like, well what if I say something I don't really, you know, believe in anymore. I don't mean, or you know, it's changed, right? I changed my mind on something like, then it's, you know, it's etched in stone forever. And I think that's part of what I love about this part of this process is, you know, one of the things to be both on board is that we're constantly learning and growing and evolving and getting better and better.
(03:06): And you know, just being different, right? Is, is learning to, to be with ourselves, be with each other, be with our business, be with our daughter in a way that feels as authentic and as powerful and as amazing and any adjective that you want to add in there alongside each other. So I think that we can start with that whole what it means and then we can get into maybe what it doesn't mean just to get some myths out out in the open and debunk them. And then also for you guys to start, like Ray said, and when we started talking about this, this specific episode was what does it mean to you guys? So as we are talking and as we are explaining our are our sides of the story and as we are, we continue to evolve. How does this play into your lives? Right? The people that are actually listening, the people that you know respond to, to, to things that we say and, and send us amazing text messages and, and, and comments and, and really just we see them growing with us. And that's what we wanted to create with this community of, of both onboard is being able to have those kinds of interactions with people and continue to grow and evolve together.
(04:15): And I love what she said cause it is going to shift because what both on board meant to be to us when we started has been very different. Now one of the great things about this, this podcast is we can go back and say, Hey, you know what? I used to think that way and I no longer think that way. So we're going to share with you where we're currently at, but in this episode we're also going to share with you what it used to mean are other perceptions even up until recently. So because we, Christie and I are on the path of always growing and always expanding. And most of our listeners are, or all of our listeners are really on that path as well as one of the things let's you want to start getting into it in terms of what interview mode.
(04:54): Let's not overthink this Ray. What does it mean for you to be both on Lord? So today I had a dramatic today. That's why this episode came up. I had a dramatic change. I thought that what I did was kind of some of my own things just because she's not all with me. And in the past we used to do everything, not everything, but we used to do most things together. She was a more of a critical part in the business and just today I was like, you know what? She's always with me and she, even though she may not actually be there doing some of that stuff with me. So what it's transitioned to, because again, remember we had the fix and flip business, the buy and hold business and we used to be with each other in the office the whole day in both working in the same business as that has grown. I have other passions. She has other passions. So what it means to us right now is no, I just need her full support and emotional support that she's on board with whatever I'm doing and I can come and talk to about whatever idea I'm doing and she's going to back. She's going to first check if it, if I really want to, if it really makes sense. And then if it, and we're both in alignment, she's going to bank Romy emotionally.
(06:00): Right. So that's what I wanted to, I wanted to jump in and say, okay, so support. What does the support side mean to you specifically?
(06:07): So the support side to me, great question. Maybe the support side to me specifically means really it's mostly emotional. Hey babe. Yeah, I look, I know baby that tonight for example, Hey, you're going to have this great call with these great people and you've been excited about this for a while and you really want to make an impact. All right baby. I know this is important to you. I won't be a thousand Valentina, but also porks you and I'll even ask you as you're telling me about it and she sees that I'm excited. Hey baby, what do you need from me? Do you want me to be here for you and like not have out Athena, just be here in the background or do you want me to kind of, you know, again, really just really support me. So the biggest support she's doing for me right now is really emotional support and checking in with where I'm at and, and really, who knows him better than her other than myself.
(06:49): She's the one that knows me best. So when I'm talking ideas out, she can tell if I'm inspired by or not. If it's really an alignment, am I doing it because I have to or am I doing it because it excites me and I get to, so that's where right now it's transition where her supporting me is more of a coach, check-in, cheerleader role. Yeah. That's what feels really good. So that's what it means to me. Me, to me, both onboard. And it still means on sometimes with the finances, you know, support what the accounting and support with other more X's and O's tactical day to day stuff. Right? So that's what it means. What else does that mean? I think the biggest thing it means is having a life partner to pitch and catch with on the personal growth journey. So if I had to nail it down on one thing, what it absolutely means to me, and I wish that all our amazing listeners would get to experience this is having an amazing life coach with you where God chose her for me for a reason and he chose me for her for a reason and how can we use that iron sharpen iron.
(07:46): That to me has been the greatest gift. And then being able to grow these concepts together where I'm learning something new, I can talk to her about it and she gives me a different perspective because even though we might be reading the same book, we're learning things differently or we're reading different books, but it's all along the growth path and we get to share that with each other. That to me is where the magic is.
(08:08): Cool. Good to hear. So for me, what it means to be both on board is probably similar, maybe a little bit more skewed in the direction of definitely support. I would say support is, is is, is a big one. And really feeling understood and heard and acknowledged and just feeling like no matter what, he's got my back and also mixed in with the, he's got my back and he's also going to be there to challenge me and not challenge me but like in a negative way, in a positive. Right. But not just to say, okay, yeah, sure that, that sounds like a great baby. Whatever you want, kind of thing. Like that's not right. That's not the energy, right. That we come from. Which in some cases it might be like in some cases like he wants to do, you know, the 75 heart again, share Bay, that sounds great.
(09:03): I'm not doing that again. But you can go ahead and do it in some cases where it's not, you know, detrimental to me or to our family or to our business. And he just wants to run with that. Okay fine. But when it comes to the big things, when it comes to commitments, when it comes to travel time, when it comes to new directions and new things, it's, it's that happy medium of saying, I am fully in support and I also want to make sure that I feel heard and understood on my side, on my perspective, on my opinion, on things so that you can make a better educated decision. So it's that little push back of almost, I'm says, I'm going to say it's challenging, it just challenging it and not from a Debbie downer, like I'm going to just rain on your parade kind of way, but in a way of like, are you sure this is what is best for us?
(09:51): Are you sure this is what you really want to do? Are you sure that this is where you want to spend your time? Are you fully committed to this cause it's gonna usually she said this to me today. She goes, Ray, are you committed to this? Because usually I'll make commitments and I'll underestimate what the commitment requires. She's much better at estimating what that commitment is, but sometimes her too, and the excitement and the passion. Forget what, okay, do I really want everything that comes along when it's not right or wrong and yet do I want all of it? And just something that comes up for me as he's speaking and as I'm speaking and I'm saying it out loud in my head or out loud and in my head is this is something that we have grown into. This is a place that I can know pretty much by being, I'm in the kitchen doing something and I hear him in the background and I can come in and say, and I can redirect him because we've spent so much time together because we've done this for so long, whereas 99% of the time I am, it's beneficial for me to say what I'm going to say because he is wrapped up in his world and he doesn't see it.
(10:48): And I can see his blind spots, but, and vice versa. And that takes time and practice and, and there's some times where I'm off, right? There's some times where he's like, no, I'm in a good place. And then they say, okay, well it didn't sound like it, but, and vice versa. Like he comes to me with certain things and I'm like, no, that's not what I want and need your support. And, but that is built through time. So that is where we are currently at now and that's what we want to share with you. And not that we're better or worse or anything, but it's just that's, that's what it's become. And when we talk about getting into a little bit of what we want it to mean for the people who are listening, right? For the people who want to be both on board, who are committed to being both onboard is this is a process, a never ending process.
(11:34): Because I, I know there's layers, right? And there's levels and there's, you know, ups and downs and there's, it's a very roller coaster. If they want to be both on border, both on border, what do they got to do to onboard or what do they get to do to onboard if, if they want this. So think that's, that's part of it is really that onboarding process too for, I like that term. The onboarding process, especially at the beginning when you're, if for example, like we said, there's levels that maybe you're not feeling understood, maybe you're not feeling supported, maybe your communication is off. Maybe you know, things are just not going well, right? Those are like the, the worst kind of case scenarios of our, of our listeners. Then there's certain steps that you can start to take and that's what, why we pour our heart and soul in cities episodes that you can start to get better at it. And then there comes a time when you're saying, okay, well things are going pretty well. What can we do next? And then that next level and the next level and the next level and it's going to look very, you know, different and unique for each person. Ray or each set of people
(12:40): For each relationship. I mean, what's most passionate about this, and this is, I didn't think I was gonna be this passionate about this is this is your, this is the magic of your relationship. Like this is like, this is why it's so, and I wish I could describe the feeling of having a life partner that's helping you grow and you're both passionate about growth and you can connect on it and not only have, you know, it's not only a game where, where, where I'm throwing balls one way, but she's catching and throwing them back and only she throwing them back, but she's throwing them back with different color. What I mean by that is she's given me a different perspective on how to understand something very similar we're talking about, so I get to understand a deeper and soda sheet. It's amazing.
(13:20): And then I think that's where the levels come in too because it's, it's, and why the whole both like that word is so big for both of us is, is that both mentality of how do we do both? How do we make both people happy? Because you've got one person coming to the relationship with a certain perspective, you've got the other person and showing up with another perspective, then you're uniting those perspectives, then you're growing and building on those perspectives. So it's unique and it's very, very layered. Right. And I think those two things is what continues us to come back every, you know, every day or every week and keep talking about this and keep building on this because it's so layered and it's so deep and it's so just amazing to, to have these,
(14:02): Yeah, it's fun and fulfilling. We take it for granted, but most people don't have these talks. One much less with themselves, but too much less to have a partner to have and with themselves. So you don't loop in your head. One of the things that is being both on board is I come to her with something versus is looping in my head. Right? So that's been, you've just been able to share open and vulnerably what it does mean to be both on board sharing the winds, like just being there for like when she, when my wife, he had this beautiful event on Sunday and she had a bunch of women here, beautiful women. And I just like, she called me on the phone, give you an example. She and she, you know, she said hi to my daughter. Right. Obviously that comes first. I'm just kidding.
(14:37): But like that's what you know, and then she goes and then she stopped, the concert goes, not baby, I need you. And then she started to get teary-eyed. Right. And I looked at her and I'm talking to her on the phone, right. And I'm like, nice. She goes, baby, I need you. And I told her, baby, you got this, like you were made for this, you got this. I love you. And the same way she was there for me when I had the Miami millionaire mastermind event. So I'll cherish that moment till the day I die. The fact that she knows I'm there, but it wasn't that I told her the words, it was in her soul. She's like, okay, he's with me. Come thick or thin, come hell or high water. He's not rolling anywhere. And not only is he here with me, he's all in emotionally with me. Like he's here with me and, and if we can give you that magic, you guys can make it through hell and back and enjoy the ride. Yeah. So that's where the power, that's what it means to me.
(15:27): And I think one of the other things too, and you made me teary eyed sharing that story again, but I am okay with you sharing it, is that it's also complex, right? And complexity doesn't necessarily have to be, I'm all about simplicity and making things essential and simple and, and minimalist and, and all that. But there is a complexity that can be beautiful too with two people coming together and really, you know, thriving and, and, and getting to a place of, of, you know, we're, we're, we're currently at right now and also like not making it so hard on ourselves either. I feel like we're really hard on ourselves and then we come sometimes together and then we're hard on each other and then that just builds extra, you know, chaos and, and, and discomfort that that's not necessary. Right. And I think that that's something to look at too. There is complexity. You know, there are hard times, there are moments that you're like, what the heck am I doing? And right
(16:23): Guys, we had a hard time last night, and ended up with a good time. But what I'm sharing with you guys is relationships are forged. The bad times, like the bad times will make you strong. And we've been through so much and I'm sure, so I'll have you guys that like those are moral, like when we fired these employees, when the contractor stole money from us, when like when all of this stuff we've been through, like that's what makes it Epic. It's not just the wins. So what I was sharing with you before that is not just to share the lens, but also share the lessons as we grow, right? Because we don't believe in failure to an illusion. And yet there are some magic nuggets and we learn more from those lessons than we do from the wins. Now we celebrate the wins, which was phenomenal and we learned from the lessons too so that we can really grow and get better and just continue this journey. Right? So
(17:14): And so what we want it to mean for you guys, right for you, you,
(17:17): Before we go on what it wanted it to mean cause we, we do want you guys to walk away with that exercise. Let's go over maybe what it doesn't mean because I think equally important before they asked that question is the question of, Hey, let's get clear on what it doesn't mean. Because it used to mean something that it now doesn't mean. Let me show you what that is. For example, on both on board, it used to mean that we did everything together. It no longer means that I have given the car and it's taken me time and we've evolved for this place I have given the crib. So the best way I can give you a metaphor for this is we're both going towards the ultimate destination. Her and I, and I've allowed her and not allowed her in a controlling way, but I've allowed myself and her to have a different path so that she can be her own self and I could be my own self so she could be her own son enlight and I can be my own sunlight.
(18:15): And then together we just lighten up an even bigger, bigger place because there's more contrast within that light. Now there's more, it grows because she's growing in her own direction again, we're going the same direction. The biggest thing for me lately is allowing her to have her own path and not wanting to hug her up all to myself. It's the truth. I mean guys, I'm gonna just keep it real. Like there's so much goodness to that. I wanted to keep all of it and it's not fair to me or to her or to the world, much less, well you say permission, but I think it's, it's more like the energy that entered genic expansion on, you know, what, we can both be separately and then together. So what doesn't it mean? It doesn't mean control. It used to mean control. When we were both working together earlier, I meant I control her and not on purpose.
(19:04): It was just, look, we both work together, we work hard. And there was a very controlling energy and I got that. Just, just, it's what I modeled is what I learned growing up as a child. Right? It's, it's, it is what it is. No judgment and just that's what I saw. So that's what I modeled. And that's been one of the hardest things to let go over the control baby. For sure. What else does it not mean? You know what, recently, yesterday we got into it and she said a couple of mean things to me and I deserved it. There's no, we're not, I'm not accepting responsibility. It deserved that. But I like we said the podcast earlier, Hey, play that movie 24 hours from now and see where you end up. If you did, if you react, which means to act again the way you did before.
(19:46): And I did that at that moment. And at that moment I said, you know what baby? I went to meditate and I said, I'm not taking up arms against you. You can throw all the knives, you can throw all the words on me, you can give me attitude. I am not at all going to react to you. Much less be mean to you. I'm going to be loving. And that's the only game I played. Now saying that and actually living that are two very different things. And yet the moment I said, I'm only going to love this woman, I don't care what happens. All of a sudden I went to, you know, just say good night to her and, and, and I got a very different reaction. So I'm sharing with you guys how a simple change in perspective and energy and energy of like, I'm only gonna love this woman.
(20:26): That's the only game I play. You want to hate, that's your game. I'm going to love you more and when you play that game and love is the only game in town and your partner knows it and feels it. It was amazing what happened like this, that fight we had yesterday could have lasted two or three days or more, much less ended the way it ended. Right, so there's power in first going back and I hate to be redundant because we're looking at creating more clarity guys, but both on board doesn't work if you're not on board with yourself first. I'm not going to, I learned this recently, I'm not going to her to get one half to one half because one half and one half is equal to one quarter. I'm coming full and complete myself and she's coming full and complete myself and we shine our light brighter together but it's not one half and one half equals one one half and one half equals one fourth. You got less. If you, if I'm looking for you to fill me up on both on board, you, I'm actually going to diminish myself because I'm relying on you and that's not fair to you. And it's not fair for you to rely on me. And, and nor no one in our listeners wants to be that person that your spouse relies on you for their emotional support maybe to maybe to enhance it up to bring it to a higher level. Yes. And then hold on. What, what does it not mean to you?
(21:41): If you'd let me speak, I could get there. So what it does, it means to me is that whole just similar like that that let me check with Ray. Let me, let me, like there is no like subordinate energy. There's no, and it's more energetic and that's why it's so interesting to explain it as we explain it, but it's, it's that energy of equal whole plus whole. So it's, it's, there's no lack, there's no lack right there, there, it doesn't mean that like I'm handicapped without him. Like there, there is no handicap. There's only expansion and extension and, and, and betterness for lack of a better term. So it's, it's, it's, it's even hard to explain what it doesn't mean, but it doesn't mean constantly being together. It doesn't mean attached at the hip. It doesn't mean, you know filtering, right? It doesn't mean having separate lives either, which is like the opposite extreme. Like there's, there's also for us, it doesn't mean that, that like, okay, we're not talking about this. Like we're not going there. Like everything's fair game. Everything's an open book. So it's, there is no
(22:50): Freedom to call each other out whenever and not in a bad way. Hey babe, look, here's what you did. All right, cool. I own it. Right. So, but that requires both to be growing, right? Yeah, definitely. So I guess one of the questions for you guys is as you explore it on your own, this doesn't work. Maybe correct me if I'm wrong, if you're not both committed to growing individually and then as a couple, if that's not your co, your one commitment, this is not going to work.
(23:15): Yeah. One of the things that I find beautiful about a lot of our listeners are people that are actually not in a relationship because that's kind of where we start, right? We start with us coming whole and complete to the relationship before we can both be on board, right? So it's bringing 100% of you first. And so we have many, you know, listeners that that tell us, I can't wait to have a spouse because I have so much to share and I have so much to, you know, and, and, or we have the, that only one person that sends it and we have the ones that both listen, right? So we've seen it all throughout these 40 something episodes that there's, there's something in here for everyone. And that's probably the first golden nugget in the principles of, of being both on board is being a hundred percent filling your own cup first being complete as you come to the relationship and whatever that looks like and means and it, and it changes, right? And it, and it can shift, right? This week I've been really sick and it's like you've got like 30 40% of Christie and Ray had to fill in the rest. Right? But for the most part there's that IX that even exchange almost that equalness, that equality of the true energetic equality of saying we're both here. We're both showing up. We're both 100% and we're both going to grow from this place.
(24:29): So two things. One that showed up this, this recently criticized, Hey, Hey babe, I'm going to this event at the end of March. She goes, Hey, here's what it is. Give me all the details, whatever the investment is. And my immediate would know this. Again, there's levels to this. My immediate reaction was like, babe, like seriously? Like how amazing, how can I help? Do you want me to keep balancing it for a few? Like what? What? What support do you need to make that happen? Cause I know where you're going, I know where you're going. It's an alignment with everything you've been talking about. Like yes. And then also means if she had said something and it wasn't what she said out, I may have questioned that because I go, babe, that's not, you know, like do you really want that? Like not in a bad place. I would've still supported her though. Hey Dave, great job. Let's go there. Okay, but is this baby, is this what you really want? Like are you, are you, so again, that's what it means.
(25:20): So what we want it to mean for you guys with them would be, or for the people that are listening would be then that that permission, right? Having this platform gives us a chance to become an example, right? Or an inspiration to others. And that's why we chose to do it this way. And then it gives you permission to explore and that's what we want it to be like. That's the point of this whole episode and this whole community, everything that we're doing with this is the permission to explore and figure out what it is that that looks like for you. What it is that you want that to look like for your spouse and for, and for you as a whole and for the, you know, your business and your family and your community and everything that can ripple out into that. So it's, it's really getting that clarity. It's, it's, it's starting with yourself, starting with filling your own cup, starting with becoming, you know, the, the best version of yourself that you can possibly become. And then building on that strong [inaudible]
(26:13): Well, let's start there. So are you committed individually to everyday put rituals and practices in place so that you show up as your best self, as your best dad, as your best husband, as your best provider, that you show up at your best and then she, what would she be need to be committed to? Well, one the same thing. Okay. So we have that. So she's committed to the same thing. So you're both committed to growing now. How does that look like for both of us to grow together? Because in some seasons of some onboarding
(26:44): Process and may look like when we started, they may need to be spending much more time together and doing everything together because that's where you're at. You're starting to matter of fact baby. I think that's where most people would need to start. Well I think that and then really it's the clarity. I think that would be the foundational pieces though. What do you actually want it to look like? Because when we ask people, you know what, what do they want or why or where are they interested in working with us or why, why have they been listening or what have they gotten? There's this and we get there from time to time too. It's that lack of clarity that really makes it difficult to move on to the next step. So if you're not clear on where you are and where you want to go as you know, not not step one, step two, step three but like a big vision picture, a feeling, an emotion that you want to feel a way of life that you want to start living, like get clear on those things first before you start to build on the foundation.
(27:39): The foundation is the clarity I think I agree with. I mean one of the things, clarity, clarity, commitment and then collaborations. So clarity is always the first step. Clarity and Hey am I for clarity on the commitment that we're both, we're both going to show up at a high level and we're both going to do that individually and we're both going to come to the relationship to expand and sharpen iron of each other. Now day to day, what does that look like? What season of that growth part of our relationship are we at? That's what you guys want to figure out as a couple. Right? And that will be step two, step three, step four. So I think that for me it would be that is really getting clear on what that means for you and your spouse or even just you in, in, in the case of of the singles out there is what do you want it to look like?
(28:22): What does it mean for you to be both on board? Cause we stand here, you know, every week and just give examples and give you know, wisdom that we find and, and, and, and we're kind of the, the sounding board to each other, right? And at the end of the day, the message is get what you want. Like what is it that you truly want, not what your parents told you to get and now what your friends are getting, not what you think you should get. And now what you're reading a book, not what rain Christi are doing, but what you truly want. And that's the most difficult and most magical question that you can ask yourself. Getting clarity on what you really want is ultimately where it's going to get you there. And when we say what you really want, 99% of the times it's going to be who you want to be. Not so much I want this or what or that thing. It's again, the things we get are a function of who we need to become and who we get to become as a function of going after him. Never that thinks himself. So I hope you guys got some clarity
(29:20): And good insight on what it is that we really want this to look like and feel like and what we want to build on moving forward. So we're, we're really excited to connect with you guys and we hope you have an amazing day. We love you, we appreciate you and happy onboarding. Thanks for hanging out with us and listening to the bolts on board podcasts. Go to our website, both onboard.com to receive your free special report on seven game changers for highly effective entrepreneurial couples. You can also connect to this on Facebook and Instagram at both on board. If you got value from us, please subscribe to our channel and leave an amazing five star reviews. How we can help others get on board to cocreate the life and visited the dreams and enjoy the rug. We hope to connect with you soon.