It's time to rip the cover off what really works to ditch addiction, depression, anger, anxiety, and all other kinds of human suffering. No, not sobriety. We're talking the F-word here: Freedom. We'll share, straight from the trenches, what we have learned from leaving our own addictions behind, and coaching hundreds of others to do the same—and since it's such a heavy topic, we might as well have a good time while we're at it. [00:27.6]
Bob: All right folks welcome back to The Alive and Free Podcast, today, I want to talk to you, you about the question of “HOW.” How you have been like, oh man, now I see what the problem is, I just got to figure out how? And all the time, when we see something we're like, well, how do you do that? How do you do this? How do you do that? And we get stuck on this question of “HOW.” I know I did and still do on occasion, but especially a lot in previous years, get really stuck on the question of how do I do this? How do I get rid of addiction? How do I get out of depression? How do I deal with anxiety? How do I build my business? How do I deal with relationship struggles or have a hard conversation with my wife? How do I raise my kids? How, how, how, how, and we're constantly running around looking for solutions to something that feels like a problem to us. And we're looking for step-by-step processes that will enable us to finally get out of it. And while sometimes those work, have you noticed how, when you have an answer that sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, and you're never really clear why. And you're like, I'm trying, I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do and it's not working. Have you noticed that? Do you want to know why? [01:34.9]
The reason why, is because the actions you're taking don't match what's actually happening. They don't match reality. You can't see that. I can't see that. And when we can't see that when we're just flying blind and we're swinging in the dark and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. So, it's not bad to learn from other people to ask for their how, but ultimately the only thing that will ever solve any of the struggles you may be in is to actually be able to see what's going on. And then here's the trick. When you are finally in touch with the truth of what's actually there, there isn't a how. There isn't a five-step process, you'll just go change it. Now I know that, that sounds like a big claim, so, I want to give you an example. [02:18.0]
Recently, a client of ours, he he sent me a message saying he was struggling. Now this is a guy who had been through some really traumatic events in his life. Yes, he'd had some compulsive behaviors. But the biggest thing that he was dealing with was, was honestly that he he'd been divorced. His wife had left him in the middle of all these things, despite all of his attempts to try things out. And despite all of the years that he had spent learning how to be a good communicator and all these other things that wife has still left him. And that left him with some bitterness around women and men left him questioning his own wellbeing and his own goodness and whether or not it was worth it to try. And at some point, in time, he sent us a message and he was like, look, I don't really know what's going on. All I know is that I feel like it's not worth trying anymore, right? And he sent, that kind of message. Now I want to read some bits and pieces of the message he sent, because I want to show you a way to break this down. Now, what I had him do was write just stream of consciousness. For those of you who don't know that it means just whatever comes to mind. So, no editing, just give me a solid paragraph of all the things going on. And then I told him I was going to show him how to cut through all that clutter to see what's actually happening as clearly as we could from his words. [03:31.1]
See, because the trick is everything that is true about you and your life, all the problems that you're having, all the struggles you're having. They, they come out in all kinds of ways in your actions, in the way you breathe in the way you move and your behaviors in the words that you say, and you don't realize it. But the like Darth Vader said, you know, your thoughts betray you, so do your words. So, do everything you do. Everything in your life is trying to just shale or share with the world the honesty of what's really going on and we just ended up hiding from it. So, I had him write a paragraph. Now I'll probably edit out a couple of things here and there. But he's like, okay. I feel so conflicted and confused in the romantic sector of my life. I don't feel like I want to try, like in part I'm happy, the way things are and the way I am. Because he'd come a long way, and now he's like totally happy in his life and he's joyful. And he's, you know, doing things that he hadn't been done before. So much freedom and stuff from all the pain he'd been in, right. [04:25.6]
He says, but another part, I still don't know what to do with my dream of being a husband and father. I want to be loved what's to say, I won't just get thrown away again. There's the fear, right? Why would I even put work into this? I hate it. I just want a deep and lasting relationship. And I don't know how to have one or find one. Obviously, I can't keep one. Obviously, right? How can I help people if I'm still stuck here? How can I help other people save their family, if I can't even maintain a family of two, how can I ever find a partner when I'm not marketable? Like, I feel valuable and know I am, but I don't know how to convey that. And part of that crappy marketing is I'm not manly. Like I like me, but I don't have those qualities to market. I also hate when I tie my happiness to this. Sometimes I still miss her and I hate myself for that. Like, I don't experience it as pain, but why do I continue to choose to keep her in my mind. End of thing, okay. [05:23.8]
Can any of you relate to this? Can any of you relate to ruminating over and over and having questions like this? Like, why is this happening? What's going on and feeling like, oh, if I could just get down to the root of the problem, everything would be okay. Here's the deal though. Getting to a root issue is very, very helpful in the beginning stages of being stuck, stuck in addiction, stuck in depression when there's literally nothing, you're just stuck there. But once you've gotten some momentum, once things have started to clear up in your life, chasing root problems is not the way out because the circumstances in your life are being created by the actions you are taking. Some of those actions are emotional, sure. And emotions definitely drive actions. But when you can really look down to the center of the actions that you're taking, the choices that you're making, those are the things that'll change your life. And so, what I did was a basic process that I was taught a long time ago, called a brain software upgrade, right? It was from my mindfulness teacher that I spent some years training with and learning from. And he basically would have us write a stream of consciousness like this. And he would have us go through a couple of different passes, where we were eliminating things and introducing a little bit of chaos into the text by juxtaposing certain phrases and sentences because we've cut out all of the intermediate stuff. [06:42.5]
The first thing that we had to do was get rid of anything that was talking about who he was as a person. Does that make sense? Because that's not, what's actually happening, right? Who you are as a person is not what's taking the, is not the actions that are being taken. That's just your feelings about yourself. And ultimately, while those feelings can be disintegrated and dismantled and let go of what's more important is to recognize what are the actions being taken. So, any to be verb or anything that's talking about you as a state of being like, this is just the way things are. That's the first pass you're going through it, and you're like, okay, we're getting rid of anything that is just the way things are. So, if I go through this and I go, Hmm…I still feel so conflicted and confused in the romantic sector of my life. That's, that's about how he is right now. So, I get rid of that one. I don't feel like I want to try. That's a feeling state. That's a being thing, right? Like in part I am happy, gone, the way things are gone and the way I am gone. But another part, I still don't know what to do with my dream of being a husband and father. [07:47.2]
Now, I still don't know is a state of being, and that's what it sounds like here. This is a very subjective process. If you're doing it on your own, you can, you know, there's other ways you might disagree and you might do it differently. But the way it came across here is that I still don't know what to do with my dream of being a husband and father. So that's a state of being, there's another reason that I would take this out, but we'll get to that in a second. I want to be loved. Okay, cool. To be loved, I want. I'm in a state of desiring, I would get rid of that. What's to say… Now, now I wouldn't always get rid of an, I want statements, but this one feels like it's just like, this is where I'm at. What's to say, I just won't get thrown away again. That one we'll leave for now. We'll take it out later. Why would I even put work into this? Right. I hate it. I just want a deep lasting relationship. That's a state thing, that's all I want. And I don't know how to have one or find one. I don't know how again, state of being, so we're getting rid of that. Obviously. I can't keep one. That's talking about him as a person on inequality. So how can I help people if I'm still stuck here? [08:52.9]
All right, I'm still stuck. That's gone. But the first part of the sentence I would leave for now, how can I help people save their family, if I can't even maintain a family of two. The last part I would get rid of in this stage, the first part we'll leave for now. How can I ever find a partner I want when I'm not marketable? Like, I feel invaluable. I know I am. These are all, all of these different pieces, and so the, how can I ever find a partner I would stay for now, and then I get rid of, I'm not marketable, but I don't know how to convey that, all that stuff. Part of that crappy marketing is I'm not manly. Again, that's an I am thing. There's another reason to take that out, which we'll get to in a second. Like I like me again, state of being, but don't have those qualities again, talking about himself. I also hate when I tie my happiness to this. I also hate feels like an active verb here. But there's two clauses, we could get rid of the hate and we could just leave. I time my happiness to this. And then sometimes I still miss her. And so that we can leave for now, if you want, you can also leave it out if you want. It's fine because it's, it could be a state of being there. [10:01.4]
And then there's the, I hate myself for it, right? That feels a little bit active, but it could also be something you take out. I don't experience it as pain. That again is questionable, but why do I continue to choose to keep her in my mind? Right. I get rid of the question there a little bit, but we can leave. I continue to choose to keep her in my mind. All right, so that's left us with hardly anything left. Can you see that? First pass, all the things talking about just this is the way things are. This is just the way things are. Have you noticed how, when you are fixated on this is just the way things are that you lack the ability to do anything because, well, that's just the way things are, anything. There's nothing I can do to help it. You amplify your helplessness, when you are busy talking about this, as the way things are. Stop amplifying your helplessness, cut through the crap and just start looking at the actions that are being taken. [10:53.8]
If you or someone you know is looking to drop the F-bomb of “Freedom” in their life, whether that's from past trauma, depression, anxiety, addiction, or any other host of emotional and personal struggles, but they just don't know how or wants some help doing it. Head on over to thefreedomspecialist.com/feelbetternow and check out some of the things we've got in store for you or book a call so we can look at your unique situation and get you the help that you're looking for. [11:22.0]
All right, the next pass is to get rid of anything that's talking about other people or phrases or ideas that came from other people, if that makes sense. So, one of them is ideas. Well, these are two different passes, one talking about other people and then phrases or ideas that came from other people for the sake of brevity I'll keep it short. So, as we go through, most of the first step was gone. Dream of being a husband and father is a vague thing, and I would submit that that's another reason to get, to get rid of I don't know what to do with my dream of being a husband and father. The person wants definitely a relationship with a person in moment-to-moment happiness with him, but the whole husband and father thing Ummm it's a concept. It's an idea, it's not really a static, it's not really an action that's being taken. And it seems to be about like an idea that's just in his head that he probably grew up with. So that's another reason that I would take that out. [12:15.7]
He's like, okay, what's to say, I won't just get thrown away again. Those were questions that were in there. That's about himself, like about the future. But this is an idea that he's got in his head. It's not actually actions being taken, right? Why would I even put work into this? This I would keep, right? Both of those you could say, but why would I even put work into this? I hate it. That feels like a very active thing. Right? So that's definitely a nugget. And then he went on and then he's like, how can I help people? All of those, he's talking about other people. We cut it out because that's not what we're after. And so, then we come down to him finding a partner, all that other stuff. I'm not manly. Manly! That's another concept in the world. So that's an idea. What manly is, is an idea that you got from other people is not relevant here. Right? I don't have those qualities, all that stuff. And so, when it comes down to it, all we're left with is why would I put work into this? I hate it. I tie my happiness to it. And I miss her and hate myself for it. Although sometimes I would just say, hate myself for it. Why do I continue to choose to keep her in my mind? So, we're left with that whole paragraph is here's a guy who is choosing to keep her in his mind and hates putting work into trying to find someone else. [13:30.2]
And so, when I shared that with him, it was like, wow, that was pretty incredible. I didn't realize like, that's all I was doing. And he's like, I guess I just need to figure out how to stop choosing to put her in my mind. Because you know, the, when I sent him the message, I was like, look, the more you fixate on a donut, the more it's in your mind, the more all of your life will be around the donut and you learn something and it reminds you of the donut and the donut will just fill everything in your mind. I know it's a stupid example, bear with me. The more you fixate on anything, the more it will infiltrate every facet of your life. Because he's choosing to keep the old woman in his mind, it is now poisoning or infiltrating all the other areas of his life. That's the action he's been taking. And as a result, he hates kind of going to these other ones, cause it reminds her of that and it reminds him of everything else. And there's yeah, judgements about himself that are coming up. But the actions he's taking is to choose, to keep her in his mind and number two, tying his happiness to it. [14:30.1]
So, he says, how do I get rid of it? And I just said, there, isn't a, how, when you can really honestly see the truth, automatically your body and your mind create a different relationship to what's going on and you will naturally take actions that just change things. But if you're saying, oh, I keep choosing her and I don't know how to get up to not it, that second part and I don't know how is a lie. That's not a truth. The truth is you're choosing to keep her on your mind. Anything you're adding on and I can't stop. All of those things are lies. They might feel true, but they're not. And every root issue a person has are, is something that feels true, but actually isn't, or only was in certain circumstances, but not in all of the rest of their massive, vast existence. It feels true, but it's not only the things that are actually true, those are the things that will liberate you. And as soon as you can see just that just, oh my gosh, wow, right now I'm choosing to keep her in my mind. Huh? And that's doing all of this stuff. What happens if I just change gears and go someplace else? [15:37.2]
And when you do that, when he does that, he's like, wow, that's pretty amazing. Do you have a podcast episode on that? So, I figured I would record one. Now, here's what I want you to, let's recap really quickly stream of consciousness, or just write what comes to mind, a paragraph or two, a couple sentences, usually doesn't work. But if you've got, you know, a half a page or a third of a page, a paragraph or two, just really, wow, this is what's on my mind about what's going on here. And this is my situation. This is what I'm struggling with. Then go through, and first order of business, get rid of anything that's talking about the state of being of things. And so, it's not always to be verbs, linking verbs like that, to become, to feel things of that nature, I don't know. When you're talking about a state of being versus an action, you're getting rid of all of those. [16:24.1]
Second pass. You're getting rid of anything that's talking about anybody else, but you. That may make the text really disjointed and not make sense, and that is okay too. Because it'll end up sticking things next to each other that you wouldn't normally stick next to each other and it'll bring light bulb moments to your mind. The third pass is that then you get rid of any ideas or concepts that are social ideas or concepts, things that came from other people, things you've read, concepts you like, scripture books you've read, movies you've seen, what friends say, common aphorisms and sayings, ideas in the world, all of that stuff. Anything that is, ideas that came from elsewhere, you're going to get rid of as well. And what you'll be left with is just actions that are about you being taken by you. And when you're reading through that, then you'll start to get a glimpse of it. And sometimes it takes going through another path like, oh, wow, okay. Let me write again now that I've seen that and go through again. And pretty soon, what you'll start to catch is a certain pattern of the way that you're choosing to behave. [17:28.9]
And when the truth of it dawns on you, not the truth, plus another judgment about it. Oh man, that's so bad. Or I shouldn't. No, just the reality of the action taken place. When that dawns on you, there isn't a, how something inside you will start to naturally shift, its relationship to that. And possibly slowly, possibly very quickly you'll automatically start changing what the behaviors are, if you want something different in your life. And you wouldn't be doing this, if you didn't want something different, okay? So, pass number one, anything about states of being. Pass number two, anything about anyone else. Pass number three, anything that is an idea that you got from somewhere else, even if it's scripture, even if it's something that you believe, if it's not from inside of you, not your words and your actions, it doesn't count. We're cutting it out because we want to see what's going on with you. We don't want to see what's going on with scriptures here. The scriptures can help you sort that out later, we want to see what's going on inside of you. [18:27.0]
What this brings us back to is something that I've talked about a few times, the idea of realization like these enlightened cultures and these people and these other people around when they talk about enlightenment or they talk about self-actualization, it sounds like something you achieve. This is why I like the word realization. Realization is just you realized it. It's been there the whole time. The truth has been there the whole time, but when you finally realized it, oh, everything changes. And that's what we're after. We're after taking all of these reactions, these habitual reactions that are inside of your life and transforming a reaction into a revelation because once a reaction transforms to a revelation, you no longer are angry or emotional about the reaction, because suddenly you see a new path, the lights are on, you're not swinging in the dark anymore. And there's possibility for a new future. And there is no how. It will automatically start happening. And then obviously adding actions to it, to help with that can speed things up. But even just seeing the truth, just realizing what's there, that is sufficient to finally get the ball moving in a completely different direction. [19:36.9]
And that's it for todays “Alive and Free Podcast.” If you enjoyed this show and want some more freedom bombs landing in your ear buds, subscribe right now at wherever you get your podcasts from. And, while you're at it, give us a rating and a review. It'll help us keep delivering great stuff to you. Plus, it's just nice to be nice. [19:55.1]
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