It's time to rip the cover off what really works to ditch addiction, depression, anger, anxiety, and all other kinds of human suffering. No, not sobriety. We're talking the "F Word" here - Freedom. We'll share, straight from the trenches, what we have learned from leaving our own addictions behind, and coaching hundreds of others to do the same, and since it's such a heavy topic, we might as well have a good time while we're at it.
Alright - welcome back to the Alive and Free Podcast for Part Two of the Addiction Myth. Today, priority number one - wild, unbridled joy. Last time, we brought up a serious conundrum, which is the way that you see the world is going to dictate the way that you operate in it. Now in Episode 5 when we talked about the mind, the way that you see yourself in the world, and the root issue we're talking about is going to control all your behaviors, thoughts and emotions. [0:01:03.8]
Now, last time we talked about the way that you see what you're dealing with, your situations in life also will control how you behave and think and feel about it, particularly addiction as this incurable disease that's all around them. Some people see it as a spiritual problem. Some people see it as a physical problem. Some people see it as a neurological problem. It doesn’t matter how you see it. The way that you define it is going to determine the way that you approach it, and if you believe that it is real, one, then you're going to approach it as if it's a big problem - two: If you believe that it's incurable, then you're not even going to try and cure it. You're going to try to find ways around it to try and mitigate it. You're going to build up other things to try and contain it and all the other stuff. So when I asked these Facebook groups to define it, I put in my own, and this was the definition I was working with at the time, maybe I could define it a little bit better now, but this is the definition I put up with addiction. Now, we know it's just an idea and a concept, so it doesn’t really matter how we define it, because it's just an idea anyway. [0:02:04.3]
But this, the whole point of having a definition is so that you know how to function with the thing. There's no point in defining something as a problem and then leaving it like that - addiction, now a problem. Okay. Cool. Because then people are just going to avoid it like the plague, which is great until you've got one or people diagnose you with one or there's a possibility there, which is why so many people are like, "Oh, I don't know if I'm addicted." Let's define it really clearly. Addiction is when your body takes over and does something to feel better because you haven’t figured how to see and shift the things inside your mind that are making it feel bad in the first place. Period. Now, consider that. Now obviously, there are physiological problems - for instance, addiction often flares up, especially addiction to pornography, when a person is physically ill because again, the body is undergoing some problems and so it is still looking for a way out. So, setting those aside for now, we're just going to go straight into the mental side of things. [0:03:03.0]
Remember, we have talked about how the, every emotion you experience is really the body's reaction to what's going on in the mind. Now, I'm not going to, I'm not talking about pregnant women. Okay? They've got hormones and stuff going on. Again, that's a physiological thing that's chemistry that can effect your emotional, your experience of life as well. So I'm not talking, again, about physiological stuff. Now, even in puberty, people can go through mood swings and stuff and not all of it is psychological. A lot of it is, but not all of it is, for sure. Okay? So you’ve got this emotional state that's happening because there's something going on in your mind that you're not aware of or that you are aware of and can't shake, and it's negative. It's creating toxic, poisonous chemistry in your system and closing off how you can breathe and oxygenate your body and all kinds of other stuff going on. And so addiction is when your body just overrides and you no longer have conscious control. You're like sitting there watching it happen, like, I need to stop, but I can't stop. I need to stop, but I can't stop. [0:04:02.2]
And I've experienced this time and time again, to where it was like I'd be close and I could just feel myself shaking. My hands were cold and shaking. I was trying to click on the mouse to see these videos and stuff that I was binging on, and like, my hand would go shake and like my heart would be racing and I'd have adrenaline pumping and I'd have this super hyper focus and I'd be telling myself "no," and I couldn’t. There were times that I could willpower my way for a while. Everybody knows this who has dealt with addiction, but after a while, that just wore down and then I couldn’t. Something else took over, and I was stuck in that place. And there were times, where literally hours would pass and I wouldn’t even notice I was in such a trance-like state. This has happened with alcoholics, porn addicts, all kinds of people. It's because the body took over. It said, "Nope, I'm sorry. I want to survive so whatever you're doing up there and creating such mayhem, bro, Bob - I'm sorry. I'm going to take over for a second. You can have another shot once I've fixed your mess," and then off it goes. And it just goes to the simplest thing that it knows how to go to in order to solve the problem. Boom. End of story. [0:05:07.0]
So that's the definition of it. The beauty of the definition that I have there, and maybe every psychologist and counselor on the planet is going to tell me, "No, that's not the definition of addiction. The American Psychology Association defines it as this," several paragraphs long, and they're going to tell you whether it's an obsession or a compulsion or an addiction that's degrees of the amount of the behavior that's happening, how often it's happening and what kinds of maybe medication or other interventions need to happen and all kinds of other stuff, but that's being informed by their definition of what addiction is. What if there's a better way of looking at it, that's simpler? And what I found, not just with myself, but with the hundreds of guys and women that we have worked with to help them find freedom from not just addiction but all the anxiety and the depression that precedes and accompanies it - the suicidal thoughts, the shame and the guilt and all the other gunk that comes with it - what we found is that this definition works really, really well. [0:06:02.2]
Because it tells you where to start, which is, you haven’t been able to see and shift the things in your mind that are causing it in the first place. So there we go. There's something going on in my head that I'm not aware of. All I know is life sucks, and so now I got to become aware of what's going on in there, and once I've become aware of it, I have to develop the skill sets and capacity to shift it. Some of it just means solving a root issue. Others, it means literally skill sets. Well what do I do if I suddenly feel sad and I don’t want to feel sad? Well, you change it. That's a skill. Freedom itself is a skill, at first. It's never a pill. You can't take a pill and call it freedom. You've just changed what you're dependent on. That's all. Okay, I'm not dependent on porn anymore. I'm dependent on this pill. And a lot of people use programs as pills. They use affirmations as pills, and I'm not saying pills are bad. Sometimes you need an intervention, so like, right, but if you're dependent on anything, you're not free. [0:07:01.0]
You're a slave to it. And people most want to know that they're in control. They want to know that. So having to take a pill doesn’t make a person feel in control necessarily, and it messes with their chemistry and all kinds of other possibilities for them. Now the same thing with all these other programs. So here we go. People are treating it like that. At first, freedom is a skill; it's a skill set. You know, how can I see and shift what's going on in my head and in my body so that my body doesn’t override? Because learning to approach and clean things out of your body too, the reality is - look, your, all these thoughts have been creating this stuff over the years and so your body has been marinating in it and it actually stores these emotions and these other things in different places in your system. So it's not just, oh go exercise a bunch and it'll clean it out. Exercise helps, for sure, and it'll help put you in a really positive state. But actually, weeding it out of your body as well as what's going in your head and stuff so that now your body doesn’t have to do an override switch. That's the key. [0:08:00.3]
Now here's the cool thing. When I did this, like literally, the emotions went away, and they didn't come back. It was absolutely amazing. They didn't come back. That doesn’t mean I never experienced fear or anger or anything like that again, but all of the worries around pornography, the thing I was running from, it, like it went way, to where it doesn’t faze me anymore. Like, it's just, okay, yeah, people look at pornography. It's fine. So in the very first episode, when I was telling you the realization I had, like, "Oh, my gosh. I like porn," here's another even cooler realization that sits on top of that. "Yeah, I like porn, for sure. Like if I sit and look at it, it'll do things inside my system that arouse certain parts of my body that change the chemistry and it'll definitely give me an experience. For sure. But there are so many other things in my life that I love so much more, that why would I ever stoop to that?" [0:08:56.8]
If you, or someone you know, is looking to drop the F Bomb of Freedom in your life, whether that's from addiction or depression and anxiety or just anything that's making you feel flat out stuck, but you have no clue how to shake it and just want help doing it, head on over to LiberateaMan.com and book a call, where we can look at your unique situation and give you the roadmap you've been missing.
So when we're talking about how to get out and out of addiction myth and into real life and what's the way out, it starts by committing to live a life of wild, unbridled joy. Now a lot of people that we work with don’t believe that they deserve joy. That's guilt and shame, and that has to be worked through. And they can say out of their mouth, "Oh, yeah, no. I, no, I know I deserve it," but like their body doesn’t feel it. They don’t believe it. That's just one part of them - their mouth is saying one thing, but their mind is going like, okay, I'll say this just because it makes me feel like I'm doing something, but I'm, I don’t believe it's true at all. [0:10:04.6]
How many of you have ever had that happen, where you're like, yeah, yeah, this is true, but inside you're like, dude, not even a chance. And so you have to work through the root issue. You have to work through some of the stuff that's been carried into there. It's not just as easy as an affirmation - like okay, I'm going to be joyful from now on. On top of that, there's the skill sets. On top of that, there's understanding your natural strengths. Right? All of the stuff we talked about in Episode 8 when we looked at the Freedom Formula. Okay? But the commitment to joy is one that people just miss. They're so busy fighting - again, we talked about that in Episode 1 - they're so busy fighting the thing that they don’t have time for anything else. War is not a good state for your body to be in, and it's going to need a release at some point. So instead, having the shift of focus to where you can literally go and create a life of joy - that, my friends, is absolutely beautiful. [0:11:00.3]
That is amazing because it shifts what you're trying to do. Instead of me trying to combat something, what if instead I pour so much good in that there's no room for the bad. I'm going to give you an exercise to do today, just to help you out with this, that's simple. It's one I've been doing with clients for a number of years now, maybe four or five years, a long time. But it's an exercise I've been doing with clients for a long time to just give them something to work toward. Okay? But the commitment is now joy and not anything else. What is cool about this is that if you're constantly filling your body with joy, your life with joy, it changes your chemistry, and it makes you, in a certain sense, resilient to things that would naturally bring you down. If I'm happy, think about this - if you're struggling with addiction or if you're struggling with depression or if you're struggling with your kids never obeying you - if you're totally happy, like in those moments where you just laughed at something, like Ellen DeGeneres was on YouTube or something, and then your kids start doing stuff and you're happy, how do you respond to them? [0:12:00.7]
Now what happens if they do the same thing and you're irritable because of you're paying bills or something? How do you respond to them? And if you're anything like most human beings, especially like me, if I'm in a low state, then my response is very, very negative a lot of times. But when I'm happy, it's a really good response, like I can handle it. They can be screaming and yelling and punching and hitting each other. Sometimes I'm chuckling at it, but I just go and handle the situation. I can do what's needed. No need to go to a coping mechanism like pornography or video games or drugs or anything, because I'm good. No need to go and like inhale four bags of chips, because I'm okay. I don’t need to just stimulate my tongue in order for me to feel better. Okay? Same thing - happiness. So a lot of times on the phone, what I'll ask, and this is the first thing I want you to ask, and be honest with yourself is: On an average day, on a scale of 1-10, how happy are you? And you know, the most common responses I get are somewhere around a 5, five to six. [0:13:01.8]
I get people on the phone that say 2-3. I get people on the phone that say, you know, I wish it were, I'd like to say it's like a 7 or an 8, but I really, if I'm honest, you know, people might believe it's a 7 or 8, but if I'm honest, it's like a 3 or a 2 or 4. I get some people who have really convinced themselves that they're happy, but they're really not and later on, they discover like, oh yeah, I was lying to you. There are a few people that are genuinely happy, but if you look around, most people are just putting on a front - meaning, on the outside, they're happy. They have the smile or they have moments of happiness because we fluctuate, but underneath that, there isn't an abiding sense of happiness. Look, a 5 - if we have that as an average, a 5-6 are the most common responses I get, that's like a D- to an F in the American Grading System. People are like, "Well, it's a 5 or 6 - that's like halfway, it's good." Are you serious? Like, you're okay with that? How long do you want to stay that way? Such a powerful question. That's the second question to ask yourself. [0:14:00.4]
First - on an average day, how happy am I? Second - how long do I want to stay that way? Because there's skill sets that we could teach you, if you want to learn and want to know how to really handle this. Just go to LiberateAMan, sign up for a call, and we'll see if, look at your situation, and see if we can help you out. But for now, I'm helping you right now. Ask yourself this question: How long do I want to stay this way? You have a choice, and if there's anything that I'm trying to teach my kids it's they have a choice in how they feel. "My brother hit me." "So and so hit me." "Oh, okay. So he hit you - how are you feeling?" Like "Well, like, you know…you know; it hurts." "Okay. So it's hurting right now? Like, okay, cool. Besides the pain, anything else?" "Well, I'm mad." "Okay, so you sound like you're mad. Okay, cool. Well how long do you want to stay that way?" "Well, he hit me!" I'm like, "Cool. He hit you. We'll deal with him in a second. How long do you want to stay mad?" "Daddd!" My kids hate me when I chase them down. But if there's any service I can give them before they leave home, it's the awareness that they can actually choose what their emotions are because the emotions are created inside you, not from the outside. [0:15:00.3]
They're inside you. Even your hormones are inside you, and you have some say in how you experience life - a lot. Everything inside you is 100% your kingdom, your domain. Outside - that's up for grabs. Sometimes you get what you want. Sometimes you don’t and you got to work a different way for it. And there's skill sets and determination and all kinds of stuff on the outside that are needed. On the inside, you can own it, 100%. So, average day - how happy are you? How long do you want to stay that way? And allow yourself to make a decision - "I don’t. I don’t want to stay that way." Once you've made the decision, now you can start going down the road of helping, of like really solving it. Now for a lot of people, they have some stuff that they've inherited over the years that it is just consistently in the background about the way they see the world. The reason these root issues are there are not because you guys are not smart enough or not because we're all like duped and dumb. It's because it feels like such a fact that we don’t even think to challenge it. It's like a stage prop, you know, or like movie props. It looks like the truck is exploding and what not, but I've talked to people who do these kinds of things for movies, and like a lot of it is just pure fabrication. [0:16:09.2]
Like it's made of cardboard and made of all kinds of other stuff that you wouldn’t think - it looks like it's really happening, but it's not actually happening. Your body feels like it if you're at a movie. Your heart is pumping. You're (gasp, gasp), you're breathing heavy. You're tense. You're grabbing the people next to you at scary parts. Right? And your eyes are like wired open, like all kinds of stuff happens because you believe, to a certain extent, that it's true, and you're having the experience. Okay? But you actually have a choice in how you experience your life. Okay? So, because we believe it's true, it's not because like we're dumb. It's just that these root issues are stuff that just feel like a fact of life. That's why it takes help to really get to the bottom of it and ferret it out and dissolve it. Not because you're not capable of it. You have the capacity. You just can't see it. So, you're just swinging in the dark. Somebody has got to turn on the lights and show you. [0:17:02.5]
Like my wife one time, when she was pregnant, she had some mustard on her shirt, a little below her bellybutton, you know, below the equator, so she went all day long with mustard on her white shirt below the equator. And later on that night, I was like, "Hey honey, you've got some mustard on your shirt." She goes, "Are you serious?" At first, it looked like baby poop, because you know how it's yellow too, so she was worried for a second. But she was like, "Are you serious? I went all day with this and nobody told me." It's not that you can't fix it, necessarily. It's going to take a little bit of scrubbing and some other stuff. It's just that you can't see it. That's why these root issues are there. So for happiness, there's some of those. But then on top of it, you know, there's just skill sets. How do I shift from being unhappy to happy, any time I want? So that emotion can become an adventure, instead of an accident. So you can actually choose how you want to experience life. Do I want to go into sadness, to meet my friend there, who's mourning, so that together I can kind of, we can connect and I can build the relationship and then I can come back out of it and as I come back out, maybe I can help draw them out of it too, so that the two of us can leave it behind, be clean of it, and move on? [0:18:09.7]
Do I need to use anger and determination sometimes in order to get something done, and can I set it down when I'm done? Like emotion can be a very, very powerful asset in life, if it doesn’t control you - if you're having the emotion instead of it having you, which is most of the case, most of the time. So where to start. Ask yourself those two questions and then here's my invitation for you. First order of business is sit down and make a list of everything that just makes you smile and laugh, just something simple, just a list of everything in your life that you just love doing just because it makes you come alive, because it lights you up. They can be little things like, you know, I really love sticking my head in the freezer. I don't know - when I was a kid, I used to go into the freezer section of the department store, at the grocery store and my mom was there and I loved the smell of the stale ice and the feel of the cold steamy kind of air condensing and the sound of the like whoosh generator. [0:19:06.2]
I really loved it. And so, I still love sticking my head in the freezer when I can. Now we have a drawer freezer, so it's a little harder than just opening up a door, but I really still do. Maybe it's because I'm hot-headed; who knows, but I like it. I like walking barefoot in the grass. I like doing simple things like that - watching the sun set from the roof, but then I also like going on long hikes and there's foods that I like and there's other types of things that I like. So whatever it is that really lights you up, put it down on the list. Keep the list on your phone so that you always have access to it, and then, do something from that list every day so that you have at least one thing to look forward to, every day, that's just purely for you, just to experience joy. And this may start small, but it's time that you understood how powerful it is for you to be joyful. Because here's the truth - just like they've studied negative emotions, they've studied happiness, and what they found is when a human being is truly happy, creativity rises like subitisly - is that a word - really fast. [0:20:11.4]
I'm thinking Portuguese now. Creativity rises really fast. Intelligence skyrockets. Your physical stamina increases. Your physical strength increases. Your immune system gets stronger, and you're generally nicer to be around, so you're going to have better relationships. All kinds of things start to happen when you live in joy. So if you feel like you don’t deserve it, take a second thought. If you're joyful, guess what kind of gift you're giving the planet? Guess what kind of gift you're giving your children? How much you show up better as a husband, father; as a wife, a mother; as a child, a brother, a sister; as an employee or an employer; as a friend. If you have more creativity, more physical stamina, more strength, a better immune system, what might you be able to give the world if you're not willing to give it to yourself? And consider that maybe the highest service you could give to the world is finally to give yourself permission to be happy, because what kid wants to grow up looking at their parents thinking, "Well, when I get older, I'm going to be miserable and have no time to have fun, except what I steal away on vacations." [0:21:16.5]
They don’t have anything to look forward to. It's no wonder they're like every time we tell them about their future, they want to shut their ears. But what if they can see that it's joyful on the other side? What if they can see that it's something really worth looking forward to, a million times better than anything they're living then? Then won't they be excited for life, and isn't that a great gift?
So your number one priority has to be joy. Are there skills that need to be learned? Yes. Are there maybe some root issues that need to be tackled? Absolutely. But there's definitely the commitment and you can start with something as small as tracking it and then doing something, a little something, every day that puts you in a place where you get to feel it, just a little bit, so that bit by bit, you finally change your chemistry and your experience of life.
And that's it for today's Alive and Free Podcast. If you enjoyed this show and want some more freedom bombs landing in your ear buds, subscribe right now at wherever you get your podcasts from, and while you're at it, give us a rating and a review. It'll help us keep delivering great stuff to you, and plus, it's just nice to be nice.
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