You're listening to Financial Advisor Marketing, the best show on the planet for financial advisers who want to get more clients without all the stress. You're about to get the real scoop on everything from lead generation to closing the deal. James is the founder of TheAdvisorCoach.com, where you can find an entire suite of products designed to help financial advisers grow their businesses more rapidly than ever before. Now, here is your host, James Pollard. [00:31.7]
James: Financial Advisors, welcome to another episode of Financial Advisor Marketing. I have another guest episode for you this week. This is actually a guest that I wanted to have on the show because I read his book, ‘Achieving Balance’ and loved it. I actually just finished it last night. So, we're going to dig deep into some of the topics in that book. It's actually Dr. Travis G Parry, he is the author, the number one bestselling book that I just mentioned achieving balance. He's earned several degrees in family and social science. I believe in one of his interviews I listened to has a master master's degree in psychology and then a PhD in Family and Behavioral help.
Travis: Human Development.
James: Human Development, yes.
Travis: Yeah, Family and Human Development. Hmm.
James So Dr. Parry founded the Make Time Institute to help financial professionals and business owners achieve work-life balance, we're going to talk about that in the show today. And more importantly, he is a homeschooling father of six incredible children and the husband to one amazing and talented wife of 18 years. So, let's get this thing started, Dr. Parry, why don't you introduce yourself, tell us what you do, how you help advisors and a little bit more about your story. [01:35.7]
Travis: Yeah, sure. You know, I was an advisor for several years who after my father passed away, he was 49 years young. And I actually, he was my very first death claim and I was standing in front of a group of thousand people giving the final talk at his funeral and it all kind of hit me there. And, and by helping my mom, you know, getting, getting things, all situated, that there was other things I should be doing. And I looked really deeply introspectively at my own obituary as I helped to write his and realized I need to make some major changes. So, I left the industry thinking I'd never come back and I'd go and explore how I can help people do, you know, achieve all of their goals. Only to realize that I think a lot of advisors have the, the, the issue, you know, workaholism finding themselves really stuck to their businesses, their practices. And I wanted to come back and serve this industry. And so that's, that's why I'm here. That's what I'm doing. And that's why I wrote the book. [02:43.9]
James: And it is a great book. Like I said, I finished it last night. It's a quick, easy read. It's broken down into different sections that are manageable and digestible. That's the kind of thing I like to read where you have section one, I read it in one sitting, kind of meditate on it a little bit. Think about it. Then you have section two and section three and you can all take it in because your book has some pretty heavy stuff. There are a few people that I read their books, their materials, their blogs what have you. And I can tell that one paragraph in their book, it's really another book in the background. And you mentioned something like that off air, but it's titled, ‘Achieving Balance.’ And financial advisors, according to you, they're three times more likely to be workaholics or work a lot. So, what exactly is balanced though? I know that phrase gets thrown around quite a bit. [03:34.8]
Travis: Yeah. FDA in 2014, I think did that study on workaholics and financial advisors. Similarly, the DSM-5, the diagnostic tool that psychologists used to ascertain and diagnose what's going on with individuals and their psychosis have found that when you're working more than 50 hours, plus you neglect your relationships, you work more when you're stressed, you know, a lot of these different criteria that add up would then say, you could be diagnosed as a workaholic. So, advisers are three times more likely, but there's also another stat out there that business owners are five times entrepreneurs, five times more likely to be workaholics. So those financial advisors who also double as a business owner, you know, you're three to five times more likely to be kind of in that zone. I've spent this last year or so before I wrote the book interviewing over 125 advisors, and I've found that balance is much more of a feeling, an emotion, a state of mind than anything else. No one gave me this concrete example of this is exactly what balance is. But what I got too, is that balance really is living your highest priorities. Most of the time when you're in that zone, when you're feeling like no life is good, it's typically because those things that are most important to you are working really well. [5:08.2]
James: And I know in the book that you break down the priorities into different categories, like spiritual, family, health, business, can you talk a little bit more about that? Why it's important to get clear on what you actually want? Because I mean, when I help financial advisors, like I want to make more money. Yeah. But like what, why, what does that mean that you do it in a way that I've never seen it's it's really cool. So, can you explain that?
Travis: Yeah. Well, I appreciate that. And thanks for that compliment that there's a, you know, everybody breaks this down differently, but I found there's really 10 areas of life. And as you break these down to these various areas, I actually, because of that experience of writing my father's obituary and having this really spiritual experience where I realized, man, I am not doing what they should be doing right now. And if I made it to 49, could I, that I have lived up to the kind of life that my father did. And the answer was no, right now you're not. And so, I went through and I wrote my own obituary. It sounds morbid. And some people maybe have done this experience because they've been in a psychology class or something like, but you know, I actually, instead of writing about my accomplishments, I went through each 10 areas of life and found, you know, what would I want people to say about me in each area? [06:25.1]
And then what about my family, my friends, God, and you know what I want people to know and what was my legacy that I've left in each area. And then I would circle each of the characteristics of those things that describe me, not, not the achievement, not the accomplishment in an area, but what describes me. And those became my values that I lived for. Those values are really our internal motivation that become our lifelong goals. Once you do that exercise, you really never have to set a goal again. You set your life, go everything from there. If you look backwards, just a step to get to that goal or to become that person that you would like to become. Putting it in that direction, then it becomes a little, how do you prioritize that? And you know, I, I learned this actually from Doug Carter. Doug has served the financial planning you know industry for a long time. I've seen him at Bill Bachrach. I met him there and he actually gave me this prioritization exercise where you ask yourself a question, if I could only have one. And you worked through every single area until you come up with all 10 areas prioritized, and you've heard that saying, get your priorities in order. Well, you can actually do it. And, and that's what I show in the book is actually the step by step on how to do that. [07:48.3]
James: Is it ever okay to be all business, all the time?
Travis: This is such a good question. So, I I'm a firm believer in a time management philosophy that I actually learned from Dave Crenshaw, he's the author of The Myth of Multitasking. And what he taught me is I went through his coaching and training is he taught me that, you know, life, time management, very similar. You need to have the big rocks in your life. Kind of like the Steve Kubby put the big rocks in first, right? And then the pebbles and then the sand and the water. Well, the, the rocks are need to be stable. They need to be firm and they need to be fixed, but you also need to be like water. In that, there are times where you need to be flexible. So, I see it as a continuum James, I see it as if you were just rocks all the time and you were so rigid. And I tell people I'm not the time management Nazi. I'm truly not like I can be more productive sometimes. But if you, 80% of the time, that pareto principle, 80% of the time that you were rigid and 20% of the time flexible like water. I think that is a really good place to be. When you are too flexible, then your calendar is everywhere, right? And nobody knows how to get ahold of you. You're constantly dropping appointments, rescheduling, double scheduling, not scheduling, forgetting, letting things fall through the cracks. And then people wonder why they're not successful. But at the same time, there are times when times and seasons, when, especially with like an accountant, you know, tax season almost destroys them every season. It's, it's probably okay for a period of time to overwork. But if that becomes the norm, if that becomes your 80%, that's when it's easily you know, a justification to slide into becoming a workaholic. [09:44.8]
James: So financial advisors, if you're listening to the podcast now, Dr. Travis Parry, and I talked for a little bit off the air about how, before I read his book, I thought I was a workaholic. That's how I would describe myself because I was wrong on the definition of work of workaholic. I thought it was just someone who worked all the time and just maybe enjoyed it. Maybe didn't enjoy it. But the, apparently the definition of workaholism is it encompasses a lot of symptoms, a lot of traits that aren't just working a lot and enjoying it. It's actually things like relieving stress through work and feeling compelled to work and neglecting your health and family relationships. When you just described the ability to be rigid and flexible at the same time, a light bulb went off in my head because I think that's actually why I'm so effective at being a “workaholic.” At least that's what I thought it is, because what I actually do is, I work like all the time and love it. And I love helping financial advisors. However, I have the option to, at any point in time drop, whatever I'm doing and just go. If my wife is like, I want to go on vacation to this part or this part of the country or Vegas or something, I'm like, when do you want to go? And I can just drop it and we're going, there's no question. I think that is why I've been able to do so well is because I know I have an escape hatch. I, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that people get, they get so locked in and it becomes unhealthy because they don't have something like that. I don't even know what that's called, but that's the light bulb that went off for me. [11:16.2]
Travis: You know, there's a friend of mine has a tag, ‘Take More Vacations’ and I've done some study on vacations. I have some articles on my vlog travisparry.com/vlog, where I've actually put some stuff up about vacations. Business owners, advisers, you take vacation, paid time off, you know, your escape, James, that’s your out, right. You're able to do those kinds of things and really escape work. Turn the cell phone off. Don't take the laptop, you know, tell your assistant to cancel everything while you're gone. If you can truly separate and being a different place, it allowed your brain to relax. And it allows you to calm down and actually your subconscious, a lot of times will work on some of those issues that you'll come back to work and be like, Oh, I had this awesome idea. And that doesn't mean you have to go and think about work. There are work retreats, which that's, that's great. That's why we go to conferences, don't we? We want new ideas. We want to connect. We want to learn. We want to have that time to come back and make changes to our business and our practice. Well, when you truly go on a vacation, that's not work-related at all, you allow your mind to really just kind of reset and you're able to come back a lot more creative than if you just work, work, work, work, work all the time. I like to do this weekly. I like to do this daily. I work out, I ride my mountain bike at four o'clock yesterday. I said, see you later to a clubhouse group that I was on. And, and I, I went off and went my mountain bike with my son. And I don't necessarily think about work, but there is always something, okay [12:55.6]
And on the way back, you know, there's typically ideas that come to me about this problem or this problem. And yesterday that happened to me again. And I wasn't even thinking about it, but it's, it's crazy how that creativity will work. It'll also help you as you're out James, as you talked about, like being able to feel like you can escape. It's the ones that are too afraid who don't think they can, even though they're successful that if they left their business would collapse, right? Their marketing machine would turn under. I know you help them with those kinds of things. And that's a problem. They can't disconnect at all. That's when you know, there's, there's some, some serious issues and, and maybe workaholic as part of it. [13:37.8]
James: You have to get to a point and it does take work to get to a point where you can do what I just described. I feel as if not being able to turn off the brain for a lot of financial advisors has gotten worse because more and more advisors are working from home now. One of my hobbies is I know that one of your earlier podcast episodes on the Make Time Podcast is, it was about sleep. And that's actually my hobby, something that I enjoy doing. This ring actually tracks my sleep and I'm super into it. Advisers, if you want to learn more, go to TheAdvisorCoach.com/sleep, and I give you sleep tips. Anyway, the reason I bring that up is because when someone has insomnia or trouble sleeping, one of the recommendations is to avoid doing anything but sleeping in the bed. No watching Netflix, no watching TV, no reading, none of that other stuff, just sleeping in the bed. Now that advisers are working from home more. They do the work in the kitchen. They do the work in the living room. They do the, their work in the basement. So, wherever they go in their house, I feel like there's this association with work. That's just constantly seeping in working home. Working from home is a beautiful thing. I love working from home, but I don't work anywhere else except where you see me now on camera. Advisors, you don't see me, but in my home office, I don't work anywhere, but this. So, I don't really have that problem. Have you seen advisers have more difficulty now that they're working from home? [15:08.7]
Travis: I think you nailed it. And I think you really know your stuff in your sleep. I've studied it from a psychological perspective. In fact, I do, usually in my psychology classes when I was teaching adjunct would spend an entire week talking about sleep, dreams and how this all affects us. And so many students would come up to me and these are, these are students who are likely also on that workaholic spectrum where they're they're, you know, they're trying they party because they that's, that's their only out right, otherwise they're studying and everything. And they had so many issues. And I said, stop doing anything in the bed other than sleeping. And you know, it's, this is a thing for, I talk to my married couples all the time like, you shouldn't have your phone, you shouldn't have books, you'd have to do these. You should not have a TV in your room. I'm a big believer on that because it, now you're associating those activities and so sleep, sex, that's what you should do in bed. Everything else, you know, your brain is going to start associating with, you know, if it's work now or people that have their cell phones right next to them by their bed, they wake up and they turn to their cell phone. What are they doing? Now, they're checking email in bed. [16:17.6]
James: Oh God, no. That’s a good one.
Travis: Please right. Please so I 100% agree. Now, coming first into the pandemic, this, this whole thing brought people home really fast. I know a lot of advisors remodeled found, you know, a way to make a room into their office. I've been working from home for years, but have an office in the city. And so, I just kind of, you know, would trade off. But what we need to do is create those boundaries. I love the analogy of your home office as a fortress, your office should be a fortress and it has castle walls and a moat and a drawbridge. Like you need to have these things that are preparing you. So, some of the things I do, you'll make sure it has four walls, make sure someplace that when you're done with work, you can close the door on it and say, I'm done right. Be done with it. I don't take my computer and bring it out into the kitchen. I don't have the laptop open. Anything that's, work-related stays in this office until the next day. Otherwise, it's too easy for me to come in. Then I’d train, you know, I'd say the kids, we home school. So, I've trained them that when our doors closed, you can't even knock unless like somebody is dying, unless there is an actual emergency, don't bother me. And I've created everything else around that. So, these boundaries, these walls, even this drawbridge and moat so that it's very difficult for me to get back in as well as other people. So that I can focus and then when I leave, right I go back out to them, home, outside, I'll go on breaks. I'll take a walk down the street and it can be very healthy to work from home because I eat better. But it can also be, I know for a lot of advisors difficult, if they don't have this space, if they don't make those boundaries because of the association, 100% agree. [18:08.2]
James: What is very interesting? I'm probably going to get an email from at least one advisor like, you need to have Dr. Parry back on and talk about how he has six kids who don't interrupt them. That's the real magic. That's what they want to know. So again, this is an audio podcast, financial advisors won't be able to see, but if you've ever seen any of my videos, financial advisors, me and my home office, the home office is the one that has a Rick Flair the NWA belt in the background. So, on my left is there are three, well, there's six, a section of three and a section and three that you can't see. There's six seats, big leather seats and there is a computer screen, well a monitor sitting on the wall. I've actually partitioned that space for just writing. So, what I'll do is I will have my laptop and I will mirror to the screen because I mean, I write emails, I write the scripts of some of the podcast, I have outlines. It’s just nonstop stuff, even the products and the newsletters and whatnot, it's a ton of writing. So, I actually, I get a level deeper where I have a space just for one task and it's a nice big screen so I can see it better. So, I, I definitely, I can agree with everything you've just said about having those separate spaces like that. It is, it has changed my life. I'm on my main computer now. I can't confidently say that I would put out the same level of work if I try to have the interview with Dr. Parry on this computer, delegate tasks to different people and manage a team and do work with The Podcast Factory, and then write on this in the same space. I don't think I could do it. So that's a very astute observation on your part. [19:39.9]
Travis: Yeah, and it is interesting that you brought that up. I couldn't write the book and you know, and I'm holding this up for you, but I couldn't write this book at this main computer. I had it actually do it on my laptop in a different setting, in an, in another office and, and, and really early hours of the morning where no one else was awake with my earphones on, with good music or something to keep me kind of focused because otherwise I was, it's a tendency to go to work things, right? Cause we associate those tasks. So, you're exactly right. I think that's really smart and a great example of keeping those things separate. [20:18.6]
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James: So financial advisors, I want to get back into the achieving balance thing. So, advisors always ask me about productivity. And I am not a productivity expert. I'm significantly more productive than the average human. And I figured it out kind of the hard way, which is not the best way, but at least people can learn from my mistakes. You have a section in the book, which is about the ideal calendar. So, what does that look like and how can advisors use the ideal calendar to improve their lives? [21:13.4]
Travis: I think this is something that the industry is pretty familiar with this concept of a, you know, an ideal week or an ideal calendar, but few actually use it. The few that do, you know, obviously can see the benefit. So, an ideal calendar is not just work, but it's personal and work. And this is what I found is the productivity myth. And that's in the book that if we just become productive, then a lot of times workaholics, if you go from, I'm working 80 hours to now, I'm just as productive in 50, you're likely able to take those 30 and just re partition it to some other aspect of work.
James: That’s exactly what I do.
Travis: You'll add more to the load.
James: I did that exact thing and I still do. So exactly [22:03.7]
Travis: Exactly. So, you can be productive or one can be productive, but not be balanced. And I found this as I was working with the E-Myth author, Michael Gerber's coach, who trained me on how to teach people productivity. And when I was doing this, I found there was a mortgage broker his name is Jeff. Jeff, he started this business; they were killing it. They saw 1800% in one month increase in business. They had just, they found their market. And once they did that, you know, he was working 80 plus hours a week. He had five kids at the time. I understood his pain and as frustrated, not being with his family and he loves them and everything, but yet he asked me the questions like Travis, you've taught me how to be more productive now, how do I prevent going back? And I didn't have the answer. I didn't know what to do. And that's what got me searching. And ultimately made me do a Master's in psychology and PhD in Family Science so I could understand it cause I worked with the psychology behind it and realized this is great, but really keeping balance in this ideal week really requires that outside of work, that you're loving all aspects of your life. [23:15.6]
You know, that you're excited about being there with your family, or why would you want to come home right. You’re, excited about, you know, helping out in the community or things you do with your friends or your physical health, your you know, your exercise, et cetera. So really the make time method that I implore is be productive at work, but then reinvest that time into you and all the other nine areas of your life. So that, that can help keep you balanced. And the, the my secret sauce is then the accountability, not just in a coach, can, I can teach you these principles and personalize them for you, but it is really your spouse, your spouse, your family help to keep you any, even coworkers and part business partners can help keep you balanced and really provide that accountability that's needed so, you don't go back and not utilize that ideal calendar of what you hope to use each week in, you know, Sunday or Saturday and those 168 hours on your calendar. [24:17.8]
James: Yeah, I think it was like 2018. I think it was well, December 31st, 2017. Around that time, I was setting new year's resolutions for 2018 and I realized, Holy crap, I'm working 11 hours to 12 hours per day. Seven days per week says 77 to 80 hours a week. And I set a goal to do less your work less, but make the same amount of money, that kind of thing. And I, it was just me at that point. And my wife was like, well, why don't you hire a team member? Great idea. That's something I could do. So, I did. And it freed up a lot of time. So, the way I did it, I track all my time in an app called toggle. So, I know, I know every single task that I do and I know all that. So, it was very easy for me to hire the first VA because I could go through my list of tasks and I could see I did this, I did this, I did this. Somebody else could do these things. So, I hired, but then my brain immediately went to, this is awesome. I've got another 40 hours a week that are well 30, that I could work. And I took those those hours. And I was like, well, let's put more high value tasks into that. So, I made a lot more money, but if I could go back in time, I would just try to take the 40 hours a week or go from 77 to 40 hours per week. And just make those 40 hours way, way, way more productive instead of just stacking on the same dollar per hour task. I’d wish I could change that, but I mean, things turned out okay, but it is what it is. [25:54.9]
Travis: Well, number one, you have a good wife who loves you and wants you to be successful, right. She's you know, it sounds like she had some great ideas to use toggle. I actually really liked toggle and actually that's the app that I tell people to use when they first track their schedule before they create an ideal calendar, it's track what you're already doing. Tell me what you are already are working with now, just like changing, you know, your diet exercise, routine, your finances, right. Advisors do help people track whether that's their investments or their budget or whatever their deck, all of those things are so important. So why not track your time? Do that first, find out what you're up against. Most people come and they talk to me, James, and they say, Hey, I worked 55 to 60 hours a week. And I know that they're miscalculating because they'd never tracked it. You're probably working 75 to 80, easy, easy. They just don't have any idea. [26:52.4]
And essentially, they say, is that also working at home or when I check my email? Yeah. All of that. Right. That's the point. So, I love that. And then from there you can take those 10 areas that we talked about and plug them in, in priority. And that doesn't mean that if physical health is number one, that it's going to take a hundred of your 168 hours, because work does take, that is one of the biggest areas of life that we spend our time in. It just means that these other things should go on your ideal calendar first. And that, that should be one of the last things that you move, unless there's an emergency, unless there's something that needs to happen. So, you know, that that's, that's kind of what the ideal calendar is meant to be. And then you'd have an appointment calendar that you can overlay with technology, you know, Outlook, Google, and everybody had an overlay now, and then you can kind of see, how am I stacking up? Are the colors in this area the same as the colors in my employment calendar? Am I doing okay? Or am I still way off? [27:55.8]
James: Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. And we could spend a ton of time on that, but I want to move on to something that I know this is the Financial Advisor Marketing podcast. And I know that we talk a lot about business and marketing for financial advisors, but I think this is very important and I'm trying to stack as much, much advice, much “value” for advisors. And one of the things that I really like seeing in your book, you share the idea that most successful marriages have couples with shared values and goals. They're headed in the same direction and they tend to be happier, healthier, and even wealthier and research has found that the number one or the most important factor in improving a marital relationship is time spent together. So even though that has nothing to do with marketing or business, or it seemingly nothing, I mean, it has everything really, if you think about it, but so financial advisors, if you have someone in your life like a spouse and you want to improve that relationship from Dr. Parry himself, it's spending time together. And that's kind of why you want to go to get a grip on your time spent working. [29:02.4]
Travis: Absolutely. Time is it. And then it's what you do with it. Some, some people go to therapy, right? Because they have some marriage problems, but some have even told me it's even just the time in the car that they spent together going to the therapeutic intervention that was, made all the difference in their marriage. They can talk about stuff; they can work through things. And James, we talked about this pre you know, interview that you and your wife, you do these things just naturally, you're helping each other. In, in reality, we marry someone with this great expectation. It is the great expectation in America that this person will complete me. This person will fulfill all my needs, and that is an unrealistic expectation of marriage, but we should work together to reach these goals. And great research has shown us that when couples do that, they are healthier and happier and wealthier. [30:00.6]
My dissertation was all about that topic. And it really focused in, on, on values if they have similar values, which goals should be, you know, based on. So yeah, When, when, when you are then working on your goals outside of work together as a couple, you're unstoppable, it almost ensures that you will have balance from here on. I interviewed a guy who had been in business 30 plus years. He'd been at several different, you know, big firms been working at a bank and he has his own independent you know practice. And he said, I said, what is balanced to you? And I, he said, my wife. Is it, wait, what that's like golden. That’s exactly my point. Like tell me, is it my wife and I, because we see eye to eye on everything. And because she helps me, she is why I have balance. And I think that is so crucial. Hearing a person who's been in the industry for three decades plus, seeing just about how the industry has changed in every, which way it could and been able to say, it's his wife. [31:05.9]
James: Yeah. I put something similar on LinkedIn, maybe a month or so ago. I don't even know where I would be. I not, I don't really talk about my personal life, that much on the podcast. But for those of you who are curious my wife and I actually met at age 16, we had a long-distance relationship until we went to college. So that's tough to do, especially at a young age, right. But we made it work. We actually went to college together, chose the same college cause we wanted to go to the same college together. That was, that's a, that's a ballsy move because it looks like young love, like, Oh, we're going to go to the same college, cause you're going to be together or whatever. I would never recommend that, I would never recommend that to people cause that would be like yeah the chances of you being together are slim to none, but I can't even talk because like, we are still together. We lived in different dorms the first year, the second year, the third year we actually lived in this like a split dorm where I had my own single and she had her own single and I graduated early. She did not graduate early. And that was a long-distance relationship again. And that was tough. And then we, we, when we graduated college, we had another like long-distance relationship. We, so we went from living together in college for a year to like not living together again and having a long distance again. Then, you know, we moved in together and got married. So that's like the only real, like serious relationship I've ever had and we've been together and my something must be working. And like that, I'm the only like real relationship that she's had. [32:38.7]
So, I don't know if I'm like the best person to ask for relationship advice or the worst, but this stuff just comes naturally. I mean, it's, it's almost as if, I guess I just got really, really, really lucky and like won, the relationship lottery, because like we do all this stuff and like talk about the staff and communicate and spend time. And I know a lot of our friends have struggled with working from home because they, they, they found out that they don't really want to be around their spouses this much, but this has been really cool. And like it's made our relationship even stronger. Like I don't know what it is, but it now advisors know. Cause I've, I have had some advisors ask me, like you given some hints about this and like your Valentine's day email was like pretty cool. So, they, they kind of want to know, but so there it is, we have been together that, that way in long distance.
Travis: Great.
James: In college and all that. [33:31.5]
Travis: That's very cool. And you're right, James. I mean, if you guys are on the same path, go in the same direction, like you're, you're going to be, you're going to be there for each other. And those that spend more time together, they really figure this out, Oh man, we either really need to work on things if we are really aligned. They call it the gray divorce, when couples who have become empty-nesters divorce, there's actually a high blip in divorce rate right there, because now they're spending more time together. And if they haven't built that relationship through their marriage, and then all of a sudden, they've got to figure out, well, what do we do now? Who are you? You know, that type of thing. And so, I, I agree that this can be really good this time and be good to reevaluate your relationship and how important that is. And I will tell you, there's, there's so many examples of people where couples have, have been able to work together. That that is the reason why they're successful, right? That's the exact reason that they're successful because their spouses is such a great support. Now for those that don't, that don't either a, we're not married or don't have a supportive spouse, you can have someone, if you're not married and be an accountability partner and it, and it can be a family member, it could be a coworker kind of on the same level as you at work possibly, or a friend or a coach for a period of time. If you're married and you're struggling with that, you know, you don't have the relationship that James has with his wife, then I wouldn't suggest that this is a great time to work on that. Work on the communication, work on the values together, find out what you really have in common. Most people get together not because opposites attract that whole book of how Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus is bunk is never, is not based on true science at all. It was a great marketing book, it sold more than any other relationship book ever, ever. [35:27.6]
James: Yeah.
Travis: But it has done more damage actually. Research has found that it has done a lot of damage in how people view relationships. The reason why they're different is because we focus on those little differences and those can be big, but they're still they're they're little in the, in the, in the case of we value most of those things together. So, you, you and your wife likely have met and stayed friends and work that relationship until through marriage because of how similar a lot of your goals and inspirations are or were, and continue to be. And that's why you have such a good relationship. [36:02.6]
James: I think that's actually dead on. The people have asked us like, what's your secret or whatever, cause we are like just really cool together or whatever. And I say, and I thought about this a lot. Cause I, I don't know. Like I just, sometimes I do feel like I just got super lucky. I mean, I don't know. They ask them, what's your secret? Oh, I got an, I received an inheritance. Okay. Like I don't have any control over that. So maybe it's something I don't have any control. I end up telling them it’s because our values are the same, but our temperament is different. And I have noticed because she has family members who have, have had different relationships. I've got friends who have gone through girlfriend after girlfriend, after girlfriend. And none of them either the values are off or they have the same temperament. You have two like type A people will like go get her, go get her and they just, that one person is off pursuing a career and the other is pursuing a career. They never spend any time together, it won’t work. So, in my experience, just like no science backing it up whatsoever, no research, no facts, it's just my observation. I think that is one of the reasons why it's worked so well. I mean, I'm obviously the person who's like driving, like I'm cracking the whip. Like I will be, my foot is on your neck if you're an employee or something, but, and then she's like, Oh, so nice. How are you feeling today? That kind of temperament. [37:23.0]
Travis: It's I think I if I was a university, I could bestow upon you an honorary doctorate in family relations, right there. The thing is you nailed it. Temperament or personality is such a big player in psychology. And I know we're getting a little bit off track here, but it's okay. I think this is a great place to go. And the psychologists want to talk about personality differences all the time. The reality is if goals, values, religion, culture, all of those things align up really well, you have a really good fit. But temperament, there's only been a small amount of research that shows that temperament differences you know, somebody who, who, who may be a little more calm, you know, one person is a little more of the driver that that is, that does have some additive to the relationship, but is not the main reason. So, it's the values and goals and the temperament can be worked out. Now, Dr. Gottman has found that most of arguments, most of the things that get people, married people off track, and some of them are these reoccurring problems that may actually never get solved ever. And there are, there's a few, like it was like 31% of those problems, they can be solved. And as people can recognize that there are things that usually can't be solved is because of the personality temperament, that things that you'll always, you'll always be like that versus the things you can change, the things you can improve in your relationships. So, kind of knowing the wisdom between or having the difference between the two is it comes with wisdom, comes with age, comes with experience, but also allows that relationship to improve so that you can work together. And then the research likes to go into, well, let's improve communication, not so much if communication only improves, but your heart is, is, is cold to each other and, and you're critical or, or, or compulsive or abusive or neglectful or any of those things, right. Then communication really just becomes a battleground. And we only really taught people how to argue really well. [39:39.7]
James: Hmm. Wow. That's like mind blowing. It makes sense. It's just things that the average person is never going to dig deep into the research like that.
Travis: Yeah. I hope that's helpful. I mean it, but I think you're onto something. It's, it's the values and goals like that, that was my whole dissertation emphasis, but then those, those personality things, we're not going to change that about our spouse. We can learn to deal with them and, and really the size is something that we're going to have to just live with in our life, or is this something that we can change and, and kind of move forward. But what I have seen is when couples are able to do that, and they're on the same team that they're, they're just really unstoppable in every area. And that's how you have it all, how you have at all is by being on that same thing together. [40:22.5]
James: Alrighty, this has all been an amazing interview. This has been wonderful information. If financial advisors want to get in touch with you, how can they do so?
Travis: Best thing right now is my book is being released March 24th. It's on a Kindle right now on Amazon. It's on the website though, if you want to get it for free at achievingbalancebook.com. When it comes out in paperback and I'll ship it to you for just the cost of shipping. So, go ahead and grab that there. Otherwise connect with me on LinkedIn or go to Travis Parry with an A .com (travisparry.com) and learn more about me there, but look, to get that book out to you so you can learn about these myths that we've uncovered today and, and and really be able to learn how to set your ideal calendar and work together as a couple to gain balance. I've also got a whole bunch of bonuses there too James, I've got three hours of time management training. They'd like to sign up and do a discovery call with me and go deep into what is maybe keeping them stuck by not getting an understanding balance. They may be productive, but really there's something that's getting them stuck where they can't move forward. I'm happy to schedule that as well as, as part of the whole book launch. So, I direct you there achievingbalancebook.com. [41:41.9]
James: Financial advisors, you heard the man. And a lot of times I know I do it too. Sometimes I'll listen to a podcast episode where an author is the guest and the host and the author will talk about some of the book content and I will have this little thought, this fleeting thought that says, well, they just discussed a lot of stuff. I don't need to read the book. This is not one of those episodes. You still need to read the book. We have, we have barely scratched the surface of what's in there. Like I said, it's a quick, easy read. You can get through it. I advise you to get through it in sections, like pay attention to the sections, read one section the next section, the next section. But it's not one of those episodes where you can think to yourself, Oh, the author talked a lot about these topics. I don't need to read a book. You do need to read the book. So financial advisors, I will catch you next week. Best of luck to you. [42:28.0]
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