Hi there. I'm Jill Allen and this is find your fierce, the show designed for women to discover your fierce, unlock and unstoppable mindset. Build unbreakable courage and completely transform how you show up every single day. Each week I will bring ideas, methods and strategies that will inspire you to step into your greatness and live life on purpose. Let's be fit, fierce and unstoppable.
(00:33): Hey there. Welcome to episode 16 of find your fierce, so glad that you are with us today. I thought we could start a new mini series on relationships because there is so much we can dive into on this topic. I actually thought we could start off with how we can build a strong relationship with our spouses and boyfriends partners, how to build a strong foundation within a marriage. Full disclosure here I am certainly not a therapist or a marriage counselor. I just thought it would be fun to share what I have found that has worked and not worked for my husband and I, Rob and I had been married for over 20 years. We've been together for more than half our lives, which is so crazy to think about. It actually puts a smile on my face. But for those of you who do not know me personally, we have five amazing kids ranging from the ages of nine to 17 we have three boys, two girls, one dog named peanut, and we've also locked arms when it comes to our businesses that we run.
(01:25): So our life is pretty full. And of course with all marriages there are a ton of ups and downs. But the key is to find true happiness and to become stronger together. And I have to say, Robin, I have a pretty darn good marriage and I am so blessed for that. I'm proud of that. But we all know marriage is not easy. It takes work. It takes an intentional daily choice to show up for each other. Am I right? You guys agree? So to become a [inaudible] team that thrives, all I know is that when our relationships are right at home, everything else follows suit. Life is good, more good follows. It trickles into all areas of her life. And when it's not going so good. The same goes for every area of her life is impacted. So having a strong marriage or relationship has always been a top priority for Rob and I and I'm excited to share with you how we do it and most importantly how we do it perfectly.
(02:25): This is in no specific order of importance, the tips that I'm going to share with you today because each and every one of these points that I'm giving you, it's critical in building a strong foundation. So let's get started. Number one, communication. My friends, we got to talk. A lack of communication can quickly cause some serious problems, usually over issues that should not have escalated in the first place. We need to make this a non negotiable and truly connect with our spouse and it needs to be an open and honest communication. Talk about your faith, the kids, the careers, the daily finances, the day's events and your feelings. If you don't like something, open up, discuss and so together. Talk with kindness and patients and at the same time be okay with letting them speak their mind. I sometimes get on a roll and I don't let Rob get a word in edgewise, something I've had to work on over the years, but give your spouse a chance to say what they want to let them express what they feel about a specific situation.
(03:29): Allow them to be heard. Guys, we have a five to 10 minute daily rundown of everything, uninterrupted time to where we can talk and our kids actually know that if it's that time, not to interrupt, that they just have to give us those few minutes to regroup as a team. And that took intentional effort on our part to instill that. Hopefully that is going to continue over into our kids' relationships as well. And one thing I want to add, my favorite thing Robin, I often communicate about is our dreams and our life vision. We dream and we go set together and there is nothing more exciting than being on a mission to live life fully with your partner. And of course we have our individual goals that we encourage support and respect. But what about the goals and the dreams you have with each other? How can you move forward together and personally grow to where you can create a true strong partnership?
(04:26): We talk about those visions. We communicate, create a plan of action. We solve problems that come our way, no matter what. The key here is that we all need to communicate that we need to connect and we need to connect often [inaudible] we need to spend quality time together and I totally get it. Life can get hairy and the days get full. Kids' schedules dominate. The career demands to can take over, but only if we allow it to. We need to prioritize accordingly. We need to keep in our mind that our spouse came in our life before kids so we can't ignore a partner in their feelings and have it take precedence over our kids, above our kids. I know some of you are like, what? My kids come first. There's no way I can't do that. I'm not saying that you have to ignore your kids.
(05:17): Just take and make the time for your partner because guess what? We only get our kids for 18 years and then when they are spreading their wings, leaving you alone with your spouse and I'm talking all alone with your spouse, that connection, that relationship will be there if we continue to take care of it during the years we raise our family, we don't want to let that go. We don't want to let it slide or slip through our fingers, so spend the time and it doesn't matter where it can be at home in the morning, drinking your cup of coffee, taking a walk, a drive. You can have date, night plan, special activities, weekend getaways. Just go above and beyond to make sure you get that quality time. I know one of our go-to dates is a run or a workout. It is the best and cheapest date ever.
(06:08): I absolutely love it. Rob does too. I think maybe that's part of that compromise in our marriage, but I know we just have fun when we go on a run, a hike or we lift weights together, so no, it doesn't need to be extravagant. It just needs to happen. So spend that quality time together. Number three, love unconditionally. We need to be able to forgive. Forgiveness is [inaudible] truly a key component here in all of this. I know after 20 years of marriage he has been on my nerves at times and I can bet I had been on his, but we all make mistakes because no one is perfect. No relationship is perfect and we need to be able to forgive to help build that strong connection. Try to understand each other and realize when you are wrong. We got to keep our ego out of the way and apologize and take ownership for our part.
(06:56): No, that it isn't a you versus him or my way versus his way. It's both of you together versus the conflict versus the challenge and there's no sense in playing the I am right. You are wrong game. I know Rob always jokes and says he is right and I am less right. I just Chuck all witch breaks any tension, which kind of leads me to another thought. How fun. Loosen up, joke with each other, laugh with each other and always have each other's back unconditionally. You may not always agree on things but love them for who they are without trying to change them, accept them fully and love no matter what. Number four, appreciation and respect. Respect the relationship and what you have. Don't compare your relationship to others. I mean every human being is different so we have to understand the other style to express their love may be different than yours and that is okay.
(07:48): It is not wrong or a right situation. I mean just focus on understanding your partner's love language and stick with that. Another way to respect relationship, something Rob and I have always done is to keep things between you. Keep it inside the four walls of your home. If you had an argument, there's no need to blast it all over social media or say anything bad about your partner to your friends or family that would just be causing unwanted trouble. And of course this should go without saying, but I see it happen all the time. Don't put each other down, especially in front of others. It's not a good idea and I know for sure you wouldn't want your partner to talk about you that way to others. And when it comes to appreciation, we all want to be and feel appreciated. The same goes for our spouse.
(08:35): I think sometimes we can just go through the motions and the things our partner does for us can get so habitual that we forget to be grateful and thankful for the little things. It's a good thing to thank your spouse for everything they did to make you happy. I am so big on acts of service, so I notice when he puts his laundry away or sweeps out garage or unloads the dishwasher, I mean he thanks me for doing the laundry or making dinner or sending out emails for the greenhouse promotions, whatever it may be. Be thankful and speak it. Let them know, remind them how important they are to you. Notice them, compliment them. I remember one time, I think three days went by before I noticed Rob got a haircut and we were all going in different directions and I wasn't noticing at all.
(09:21): And when I finally did, he was like, Jill, three days ago. Wake up. So take notice and appreciate what you have right in front of you. And I can go on and on about this. But when it comes to building a strong relationship and a foundation that sets you up to get through all the ups and downs, I found that open and honest communication is key. Spending time together, intentional time to where you can connect will help you continue to grow together stronger than ever. And as well as loving each other, unconditionally, forgiving each other and apologizing. Let that ego go. Ask yourself how you can move forward and past all the challenges you face together and stronger and finally appreciate and respect each other. Take notice, be thankful and show patients love, kindness and support. No matter how hard it is. We were always on a mission here on the find your fierce podcast to be the best version of ourselves, to be better today than we were yesterday, and to always be working on ourselves.
(10:19): So if you have zero energy to focus on yourself and need extra support and accountability from women who know what it's like to juggle a crazy busy life, then go to befitandfierce.com and become unstoppable with us. Or if you want to join a sisterhood dedicated to growing our faith, join our just brief Facebook group heads up on the next episode. We're going to continue this relationship series, but this time it's going to be how we can be a rockstar mom and connect with our kids. Thanks so much for joining me today. Please subscribe. Share this episode link on your social media as we all know someone that can benefit and I would love it if you would give some feedback in a review as well. Talk with the next time, beep it, be fierce, be unstoppable.
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