Welcome to the Masculine Psychology Podcast, where we answer key questions in relationships, attraction, success, and fulfillment. Now, here's your host, world-renowned therapist and life coach, David Tian.
David: Welcome to the Masculine Psychology podcast. I'm David Tian, your host. In this episode, we're diving into a topic that's critical to our personal growth and happiness. I'm going to be giving you concrete steps to achieve true and lasting happiness, fulfillment, love, joy, and peace, and we're not just talking about temporary fixes here. We're talking about transformative changes that redefine your life.
The steps I'm covering here are so crucial, because there's a pervasive myth in society today, especially among high achievers, and that myth is that you can use repression as a reliable and sustainable tool for success, and this is when you push down your emotions in order to stay focused and driven. [00:01.0]
But here's the thing: if you believe this lie, you're setting yourself up for burnout and a lack of fulfillment, and a life of regret later. You won't be able to experience the highest highs of emotions or deeply connect with key parts of yourself, or truly connect with other people. Instead, you end up sentencing yourself to a life of deadened affect, where true joy and fulfillment remain just out of reach.
Repressing your emotions might seem to work in the short term. It might get you through that stressful project or that tough conversation. But in the long run? It's like trying to hold a beach ball underwater. It takes a ton of effort, and eventually, it's going to just pop back up, often unexpectedly and in ways that can be more disruptive than the emotions themselves and sabotage your long-term goals.
In the last episode of this podcast, I explored the dangers of repression, how it stifles our emotional growth, how it affects our relationships in many negative ways, and can lead to a sense of disconnection from both ourselves and from others, and in this episode, I'm building on that. We're going beyond understanding the problem to tackling it head on. [02:11.5]
Through the therapeutic process I'm outlining in this episode, we can start to address these repressed emotions and parts of ourselves. This isn't about lying on a couch and just talking about your problems or your childhood. This is about engaging in active, transformative work that aligns your emotional and rational selves. It's about rediscovering parts of you that maybe you've silenced or exiled and learning how to integrate them into your life.
Throughout this episode, I’ll be sharing with you not just theories or ideas, but real life examples and strategies. We're going to talk about practical steps that you can take to start this journey. Remember, this isn't just for those who are struggling. This is for anyone who wants to live a richer, more fulfilling life. [02:56.7]
If you've been following along in the last two episodes, you know that one of the biggest obstacles to being truly present, both with ourselves and with others, is psychological repression. This is something I’ve seen time and time again, not just in my clients, but in my own life, too. When we talk about being present, what we're talking about really is about being fully engaged in the moment, being tuned into our emotions, our thoughts and our surroundings.
But here's the catch: when you're repressing your emotions, when you're shoving down those feelings that are uncomfortable or inconvenient when they come up, you're actually cutting off a crucial part of your experience. You're not fully there. Think about it—if you're spending all this emotional and mental energy, ignoring or avoiding, or trying to push away certain emotions, how can you be fully present in a difficult conversation, or just even in day-to-day life? How can you truly listen to someone, empathize with them or connect with them on a deeper level? The answer is you can't, not fully anyway. [04:00.3]
By working through and healing this psychological repression, you're not just dealing with your past. You're opening yourself up to a more authentic and connected present. It's like removing a filter that's been dulling your experience of the world. Suddenly, everything is more vivid, more real. You're able to engage with people in a way that's genuine and deeply fulfilling, and that's where the magic of human connection really happens.
Now, let me present to you the step by step process. I’ll be walking you through the different steps. This breakdown of the process is slightly different from the seven-step process I’ve been referring to earlier and I’ve devoted an entire episode to before, and that seven-step process that I’ve outlined in a previous episode is more comprehensive.
However, from the feedback I’ve been getting over the past year since I’ve released that particular episode, I’ve realized that I needed to slow down and present in more detail the earlier stages, so in this episode, I’ll be focusing on the earlier steps and breaking them down into a lot more detail. [04:59.1]
The first step is awareness, awareness of the parts of ourselves and the emotions that these parts are experiencing that we have been ignoring, pushing away, disowning or exiling. This first step of awareness includes identifying and acknowledging these different parts within us, and in this episode, and I hope in future episodes as well, I’ll be pointing out places in which Asian philosophy can help us deepen our understanding of what's happening.
In many ancient Asian philosophies, there's this idea of embracing the whole self, including those aspects of ourselves that maybe we're not so proud of. It's about understanding that every part of us, even the parts that we try to hide or fight against, have a role and a reason for being there. In IFS therapy—Internal Family Systems therapy, of which I'm a big advocate and a certified practitioner—we call these parts of us. I’ve already been using parts language since the beginning of this episode, so this gives you the context for this special use of the term “parts.” These different parts of us are their own sub-personalities, each with its own desires, fears, and motivations. [06:11.4]
In case you're new to IFS therapy, let me just break this down really quick.
We've all got parts of ourselves that are just trying to get us through the day and these are managerial parts. They're the ones that make the decisions, keep us on track and make sure that we don't fall apart, and they're often very active during the workday.
But then there are other parts that we've pushed down or hidden away, and these are generally called our exiled parts, and these parts often carry the concentration of our pain or trauma, or emotions that we don't want to face. These exiled parts, though they don't just disappear, even if we want them to or as much as we try. They're like the shadow that follows you around, always there even if you're not looking at it, and the more we ignore our exiled parts, the more unconscious control they have over us in ways that we don't even realize. [07:02.2]
In this first step of awareness, how do we start recognizing and addressing these repressed parts of ourselves in our suppressed emotions? One great place to start is with the practice of mindfulness, and this is about tuning in to the experience of what's happening in our bodies, in ourselves, listening to what our thoughts and our physical bodies are telling us moment to moment, and you can do this through mindfulness meditation or through general mindfulness practices. In my online program, emotional mastery, for the first set of modules, about two and a half months, our focus is on mindfulness practices to develop a presence.
I recommend that you take this seriously, because a lot of people don't, take it seriously as a skill. It's a skill that you can learn and get better at and master. Just like any other skill, you're generally going to suck at it at first, but the more practice you get and the deeper you understand the different aspects of the skill, the better you'll get at it. So, it's a skill that you can hone to be present with yourself with the thoughts and emotions, and physical sensations that are going through your body from moment to moment. [08:16.5]
This is the first step to undoing the unconscious repression, and becoming truly present to yourself, to others, and to your experience of life. As you get better at the skill, when you feel a strong emotion that maybe you consider painful or negative, instead of pushing it away, sit with it. Ask yourself, “What part of me is feeling this? What is this part trying to tell me? Where's this part located in, on or around my physical body? How can I get closer to it to understand it better?”
It's also about honesty and courage. It takes guts to look at the parts of ourselves that we're not proud of or maybe that we have some shame around. But when we do, we start to understand why they're there in the first place. Maybe that anger or fear that you're carrying is actually protecting you from something. Maybe that part of you that you see as a weakness is actually showing you where you need to heal and grow. [09:16.6]
In pure silent meditation, which I highly recommend, the focus is often on observing one's thoughts and feelings without judgment, and this is a skill that I also teach and help people practice in my Emotional Mastery program. This is a crucial skill when it comes to dealing with our internal parts. It's about creating a space where every psychological part of you is allowed to exist and be heard.
Here's some hope for those of you who just want the painful or negative emotions to end. When you start acknowledging these parts and maybe even begin to send some appreciation to them for their positive intents and their hard work, they start to lose their power over you. They start to relax and not flood you with their feelings, and then there's more space and room inside for you to be there, and you'll experience a more natural state of calm and clarity. [10:10.7]
Once you begin to recognize your different internal parts, the managers, the exiles, and you discover the ones that have been carrying a lot of pain or the parts of you that you've been trying to repress, then the next step in this journey is all about cultivating curiosity and compassion—and this isn't just some feel good mantra. It's a crucial part of the healing process.
Think of it like meeting a new person that you're trying to understand and who seems to be uncomfortable or in some kind of pain. You wouldn't just start off by judging them harshly, right? You'd be curious about who they are, what their story is, why they're crying. It's the same with our inner parts. Each part of us has its own story, its own reasons for being the way it is, its own reasons for taking on the job that it has taken on. [11:02.3]
When we approach our own parts with curiosity, they often relax because they recognize that you're not there to force them to be different from how they are, but instead, you're there to understand them better, and when that happens, they begin to open up more and share more with us about how they got to be the way they are.
That's when we learn why exactly they've taken on their roles and why they're feeling what they're feeling, and how they're trying to protect us in their own way, which makes it a lot easier for us to feel compassion for them, which allows them to relax and trust us more, and then the virtuous cycle continues. More trust leads to more revelation leads to more trust, and so on.
Now it's important to introduce the concept of the true self from IFS therapy. The true self isn't just another part. It's the core of who you are. The true self is characterized by qualities like compassion, curiosity, calmness, clarity, confidence, and courage. [12:00.8]
When we're in a state of self-leadership, that is the leadership of our true selves, we're able to be with our parts without getting overwhelmed by them. We can be compassionate, understanding and curious, even when dealing with parts of ourselves that aren't hurt or scared. When we are in the state of our true selves, our parts are able to relax more because they can trust us. As you cultivate more curiosity and compassion for those parts of ourselves that we might have been repressing, you will naturally enter into the state of your true self.
Many ancient Asian philosophies emphasize the idea of radical self-acceptance, accepting every part of ourselves, the good and the not so good. It's about understanding that every part of your journey, every aspect of yourself, is essential to who you are. In practices like meditation and mindfulness, there's a focus on observing without judgment and being present with what is rather than what we think we should be. [13:00.8]
Cultivating this kind of radical self-acceptance is a game changer. It means not just tolerating the parts of ourselves that we don't like, but truly accepting them, and even further, appreciating them. It's about acknowledging that even the parts that might have caused us pain or embarrassment in the past, even they have a role. They were trying to protect us to keep us safe, even if their methods are now outdated. They were adaptive back then when they first started doing their jobs, but they're maladaptive now.
Again, the next time you're feeling a strong emotion or find yourself reacting in a way that you don't like, take a moment and ask yourself, “Which part of me is driving this? Can I approach this part with curiosity instead of judgment? Can I offer it some compassion?”
Remember, these parts of you developed for a good reason. There were solutions to problems you faced at some point in your life back then, and by understanding them better, by approaching them with compassion and curiosity, you begin this process of healing and integration, and becoming stronger and growing. You start to move from a place of fragmentation to a place of wholeness. [14:15.0]
No matter their physical strength, for many men, emotions are too much for them to handle. It's why they can't give women the deeper levels of emotional intimacy and connection that they crave. It's why they fail to be the man that modern women desire most: a man with inner strength, a man who has mastered his emotions.
Find out how to master your emotions through David Tian's “Emotional Mastery” program. The Emotional Mastery program is a step-by-step system that integrates the best of empirically-verified psychotherapy methods and reveals how to master your internal state and develop the inner strength that makes you naturally attractive, happy, and fulfilled.
Learn more about this transformational program by going to DavidTianPhD.com/EmotionalMastery.
That's D-A-V-I-D-T-I-A-N-P-H-D [dot] com [slash] emotional mastery.
Now let's get into the third step, and this is an incredibly vital step, and this is where you deepen and develop the relationships with your protective parts, and these are the parts that have been working overtime, like the managerial parts I mentioned, and they often, for adults, have been working for decades to keep our vulnerable exiled parts hidden away. They're like the guards at the gate, ensuring that the pain, the trauma, or any unwanted emotions stay locked away. But here's the thing: as much as they're trying to protect us, as we get older, they often cause more harm than good.
Here's an example. Picture a guy named . . . let's call him Jack. Jack is a high achiever, always pushing for success, and on the surface, let's say he's got it all, the career, the car, the condo, the cash. But Jack has a protective part that's always on guard. It’s constantly telling him, “You can't show weakness. You can't let anyone see that you're not perfect.” This part of Jack is terrified that if he shows any vulnerability, he will lose respect, lose his edge, and then everything will come crashing down. [16:16.0]
What does Jack do? He ends up keeping everyone at arm's length. Yeah, he's got some friends, sure, but they're never really that close to him. He's had relationships, but they never go very deep, because every time someone gets too close, that protective part of him slams the door shut on his hearts or in the vulnerable parts of him. It’s scared to let anyone see the real Jack, so to speak, the one who isn't always confident or the one who has doubts and fears, the one who's more than just his achievements.
This protective part isn't the enemy. It started off as a way for Jack to cope with a world that seemed to demand perfection in order for him to be accepted, but the problem is, this part is stuck in a pattern. It's like software running on an old operating system. It's outdated and not serving Jack anymore and he gets stuck in this loop. [17:08.4]
In working with Jack, the first step was to acknowledge this protective part, to say, “Hey, I see you. I see how hard you're working to keep him safe,” and we take the time to not just acknowledge, but to appreciate the hard work that this protective part has been doing for decades. We take the time to understand its fears and reassure it that allowing vulnerability in isn't going to lead to the world blowing up.
It's about gently negotiating with this part, showing it that it's okay to lower the guard sometimes, that the world won't end if Jack shows his true self, including his vulnerability, first and foremost to himself, and then possibly to other people who he can trust at the right time and in the right context. But the most important and crucial step is Jack being there and sending his compassion and understanding, not only to the parts of himself that he's discovered that are vulnerable, but also to those parts of himself that have been in these protective roles. [18:12.3]
Through the therapeutic process, Jack is able to develop a relationship with this protective part. He starts to understand its fears and reassure it, and gradually, in his life in the real world, Jack begins to let his guard down, first with close friends and then in his romantic relationship, and something amazing happened. The more Jack opened up, the deeper his connections grew.
Now we move on to the fourth step in the process I'm detailing here, which is to gain permission from these protective parts to go to and work with our exiled parts. Again, let me use an example to illustrate that let's take the case of Mike. We'll call him Mike, a man in his mid-30s, a successful entrepreneur.
Mike had this part of him that was always pushing him to work harder to achieve more. It was one of his protector parts shielding him from feeling like he wasn't enough, but deep down there was another part, an exiled part that was really tired that wanted to just be, to enjoy life, to play and have spontaneous adventures and not have this constant pressure to perform. [19:17.3]
When Mike first tried to address this exiled part of himself, he hit a wall. His protector part was like a bouncer at a nightclub, not letting anyone near the vulnerable part of him, like a bodyguard. It was saying, “No way, we can't let our guard down. If we do, everything will fall apart,” and this is why it was so important to gain permission from his protector parts to go to his exiled parts.
It's not about bulldozing over our protective parts. It's about acknowledging their importance, thanking them for their service, and then negotiating with them, like telling these parts, “Hey, I appreciate what you've done for me. You've kept me safe. But now I need to check on this more vulnerable part to see if he needs anything. Can we do that together? Or would you give me permission to go to him?” [20:05.8]
In Mike's case, this approach changed everything for him. It took some time, but eventually, his protector parts began to trust him and to ease up, and to believe that it was going to be okay to let Mike's true self explore these exiled emotions and parts. As Mike connected to that part of him that's more vulnerable and held so much pain from being punished by his parents for wanting to play like a child, when he was finally able to connect with that part of him, he began to understand his need for balance, for rest, for acknowledging that he was more than just an achiever, more than just his accomplishments.
By gaining permission from his protective part, Mike was able to work with his exiled inner-child part without causing a full scale internal revolt. He could explore his need for rest and relaxation, and play and adventure, without feeling like he was betraying his drive for success. [21:03.8]
As he did so, he found a more sustainable way to live, one where achievements and wellbeing, and fun and adventure, could all coexist—and this is a crucial lesson for all of us. Our protective parts have been running the show for so long and they need to know that it's safe to allow us to heal and to grow, and to transform. When we approach them with respect and understanding, instead of trying to just get rid of them or get them out of the way, then we open the door to profound interchange.
Now we move on to the fifth step that I'm going to be covering here and the final step of the process I’m detailing here, and that is working with these exiled parts. When I talk about engaging with these exiled parts of ourselves, those parts carrying our deepest pain and the biggest wounds from our past traumas, it's very important to handle these exiled parts with care. This isn't something you should just dive into solo or by following a book, or some online course. [22:04.5]
There are a few people who are selling courses on how to work with your exiles. I've known people who have taken those courses and it's never ended well, so I recommend very strongly that you only work with your exiled parts under the guidance of a trained experienced professional. Why? Because if you don't handle this part of the process right, you end up risking retraumatizing these parts, and even more, you risk backlash, which is where you go too far in the process and you circumvent the protective parts and go straight to the exiles.
Then later, what will happen is the protector parts start to freak out, because you went too far and their very fears are confirmed. The vulnerable parts of yourself that they've been trying so hard to protect all of these decades have been let loose and now they've got to corral them back in, and this will often lead to more extreme behaviors like cutting or self-harm, or addictions. [22:58.8]
Here's an example. Imagine you've got a part of you that's carrying some deep-seated pain from your past, maybe something from childhood. This part has been buried so deep because it's just too painful to deal with, but now you're ready to face it to heal, so you start trying to engage with it on your own.
But what happens if this part gets scared or overwhelmed? It might cause other protective parts of you, what IFS therapy calls the firefighter parts, to jump into action. These more extreme parts might try to shut the whole process down, leading to behaviors like substance abuse or other self-destructive actions, anything to keep you from feeling that pain again. This is one of the reasons why it's so crucial to work with a professional who can guide you through engaging with these exile parts safely, someone who knows how to navigate these tricky waters, and help you approach these parts with the right balance of compassion and courage. [23:56.4]
Now let's talk about the process of unburdening these parts so you understand what's going to happen. It's not just about acknowledging the pain. It's about releasing it. You're not just crying for the sake of crying. That can just be retraumatizing. The tears are only healing when in the presence of your true self. Again, in IFS speak, this true self is your true essence, calm, curious, compassionate, courageous, creative, and connected. It's from this place of strength that you can help these parts of yourself let go of the pain that they've been carrying for so long.
An important part of the unburdening process that's often forgotten is the integration, which happens towards the end of the process of working with that part. As parts release their burdens, they start to transform. They're no longer defined by their pain or trauma. They can now take on new roles, healthier roles within your internal system.
This is true, not just of the exiles that are letting go of their burdens, but also the protectors that have been protecting them. There's an internal shift that happens where all of these different parts rearrange themselves in roles that they enjoy more, which leads to you enjoying life more, and this leads to a greater sense of inner peace, a harmony that maybe you haven't felt in a really long time, and instead of inner conflict, you experience more and more integration inside. [25:19.2]
But remember, this is a delicate process. It's not a DIY project. It requires the guidance of someone who's trained in navigating these emotionally-challenging landscapes. So, if you're thinking about doing this work, make sure you're doing it with the right support. It's like trying to climb a very high mountain. You want an experienced guide leading you to the summit. So, seek out a therapist or a coach who is trained in these methods and has a lot of experience, someone who can help you do this work in a way that's safe and truly healing.
Okay, so let's connect all the dots here. We've talked a lot about dealing with our internal parts, especially those exiled ones that carry a ton of emotional baggage. Now let's link this back to the original themes of the previous two episodes to undo repression and to be authentically present with ourselves and others. [26:09.7]
If you think about it, when parts of us are in exile, when we're suppressing and repressing these emotions, we're not able to be fully present. There's a part of us that's always hidden, always holding back. It's like trying to have a deep conversation with someone while you're also texting under the table. You're not fully there, and both you and the person you're with can feel that lack of presence.
By working through these internal conflicts, by acknowledging, appreciating, unburdening and integrating these exiled parts, we start to lift the veil of repression. It's like clearing the fog that's been clouding our view. We start seeing ourselves and the world around us more clearly. We become more present because there's less of us hiding in the shadows. [26:57.2]
Here's the really beautiful part about this—when you're more present with yourself, you naturally become more present with others. It's like a ripple effect. You start listening better, understanding deeper, and connecting on a level that you might not have thought possible. Your relationships start to transform. Conversations become more meaningful. Bonds strengthen. Why? Because you're bringing your whole self to the table, no more hiding, no more holding back.
This journey to undoing repression and being present isn't just about self-improvement. It's about self-transformation. It's about discovering a version of yourself that's been waiting to come out and play, to live, to love. It's about finally meeting yourself and the world around you with open arms and an open heart and an open mind.
Remember, the journey starts with facing those parts of us that we've kept in the dark. It's about shining a light on them, understanding them, and bringing them into the fold. That's how we start to live a life of true presence and authenticity. [28:00.8]
Let's do a quick recap of what we've been diving into in this episode.
We started by recognizing how psychological repression can create barriers to being truly present, both with ourselves and with others. This repression isn't just about bearing negative emotions. It's about disconnecting from parts of ourselves that we don't want to face or feel.
We talked about identifying and acknowledging these different parts within us, especially those protective parts and the exiled ones. It's about understanding why they're there and what roles they've taken up in our internal world—and this isn't just some psychobabble. It's about getting to the heart of our true selves.
Then we moved on to cultivating curiosity and compassion. This isn't about being judgmental or fearful. It's about exploring these parts with an open heart and an open mind. We discussed how this helps us gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and start the healing process. [28:55.8]
We also covered the importance of developing relationships with our protective parts. These parts have been working overtime to keep us safe, but sometimes they're a little overzealous. It's crucial to acknowledge their efforts and understand their fears.
Okay, then, we discussed how to gain permission from these protectors to work with the exiled parts. This step is vital, because it ensures we're not diving into something that could overwhelm us later psychologically, and we touched upon engaging with these exiled parts in the process of unburdening and integration. Remember, this should always be done under the guidance of a trained and experienced professional. It's not a DIY project.
Okay, let's bring this home with a case study. I once worked with a man, let's call him John. John was a high achiever, a real go-getter in his professional life, but he struggled with deep-seated feelings of inadequacy and loneliness. On the surface, he seemed to have it all together, but inside, he was a mess. John had this protective part that was all about keeping him safe from rejection and failure. It did this by pushing him to achieve more and more. But there was another part, an exiled part, that carried a lot of pain from his childhood, feelings of not being good enough, of always being on the outside looking in. [30:11.0]
Through our work together, John started to acknowledge these parts. He approached them with curiosity and compassion, not judgment. He developed a relationship with his protective part and gained permission to work with the exiled part. As John engaged with his exiled part, he began to understand its perspective and started the unburdening process.
This wasn't easy for him. It brought up a lot of pain and vulnerability, but as he worked through it, as he integrated these parts back into his internal system, something amazing happened. John began to feel more whole, more at peace. He started being more present in his relationships, both professionally and personally. His need for constant achievement lessened and he began to enjoy his life more. He was no longer driven by a fear of failure or a fear of rejection, but by a genuine desire to connect and to share who he truly is with others. [31:06.3]
This transformation didn't happen overnight. It was a journey. But it was one that brought John to a place of greater authenticity and deeper presence in his life. So, working through our repressed emotions and parts isn't just about feeling better. It's about becoming more authentically ourselves and being truly present in our lives, and to truly experience our lives, and being truly present with others.
Thank you so much for listening. If you have any feedback whatsoever, I'd love to hear it. Send a comment, send a message to me. If you liked this episode, hit a like or give a good rating on whatever platform you're on. Hit a follow or subscribe, and if this helped you in any way, please send it to anyone else that you think would benefit from it.
Thank you so much for listening. I look forward to welcoming you to the next episode. Until then, David Tian, signing out. [31:56.0]
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