Welcome to the Masculine Psychology Podcast, where we answer key questions in relationships, attraction, success, and fulfillment. Now, here's your host, world-renowned therapist and life coach, David Tian.
David: Welcome to the Masculine Psychology podcast. I'm David Tian, your host. In this episode, we tackle an invisible giant, an obstacle that undermines the depth and fulfillment that we all seek in relationships, and, indeed, in life itself.
What if I told you that there's a common barrier so ingrained in our daily life that it's like air? You don't even notice it, but it's choking off the rich experiences that you could be having. This barrier keeps you from connecting on a deeper level in your relationships. It keeps you from sparking true attraction with women that you're interested in and it keeps you from savoring the vibrancy of life. [00:56.8]
If you don't confront and overcome this hurdle, it won't matter how many friends you have. You'd still be plagued by loneliness. Achieving your most ambitious goals could still leave you feeling unfulfilled. You might climb the highest mountains, but the view won't stir your soul. This isn't just about dating or relationships. It's about the very essence of fulfillment in life.
So, what is this barrier? It's psychological repression. Specifically, for high achievers who are used to pushing and striving, repression can be the shackled ball and chain that you drag around in life without even knowing it. It's the process of pushing away desires, impulses or thoughts that your mind deems unacceptable, and it's insidious because it operates below the surface of our conscious awareness.
For achievers, repression often means burying emotions that seem to threaten your drive or your focus. Feelings of vulnerability, uncertainty, or a need for connection might be suppressed to maintain a facade of strength and independence—but here's the rub. These are the very emotions that make you human that allow you to connect with others, to feel attraction and love, to be present and truly alive. [02:16.8]
Okay, so let's break this down. In the last episode, I went into detail on presence. By way of review, presence is the ability to be fully engaged in the moment, attuned fully to the people around you and open to life's experiences. Presence requires access to your emotions. It's about letting your guard down enough to allow yourself to feel, but if you're repressing those emotions, you're cutting off the fuel supply to presence. You're like a car trying to run without gas. It's not going to work.
This repression doesn't just affect your emotional world. It seeps into your relationships. How can you be truly present with a partner if you're not even present with yourself? How can you generate genuine attraction in someone if you're disconnected from yourself from your own feelings? [03:06.5]
Okay, so that's presence. What's repression? Psychological repression is like a silent gatekeeper in your mind. Its job? To keep uncomfortable thoughts and feelings out of your conscious mind. You can think of it as a mental bouncer, tossing out emotions that could cause internal conflict or social disruption, and while this might seem helpful in the short term, over time, it creates a barrier between you and your authentic self.
Here are some examples. Imagine you're an executive in your mid-30s. You've climbed the corporate ladder and you've done it by being tough, decisive and unemotional. One day you feel overwhelmed by anxiety, but instead of acknowledging it, you push it aside. You tell yourself, “I don't have time for this.” You've just engaged in psychological repression. The anxiety itself doesn't vanish. It's merely forced into the shadows of your unconscious, where it quietly undermines your sense of well-being, and, indeed, your performance even in the long term at work. [04:10.7]
Or consider this. Let's say you're a successful lawyer, accustomed to arguing cases with logic and hard evidence. Feelings would be irrelevant in your work and in the courtroom, so you've trained yourself to set them aside. That strategy might win cases, but it won't win any hearts, especially not in intimate relationships where connection is key. By repressing your emotions, you've inadvertently put up a wall between you and your potential partners, and between you and important parts of yourself.
Here's the kicker. Repression doesn't discriminate. It doesn't just hide the so-called negative emotions that many people are afraid of, like fear or sadness. Repression also buries your joy, excitement and passion. You end up going through life with a muted emotional pallet, never fully experiencing the highs or the lows. [05:04.4]
Many men, especially achievers, often view emotions as mere distractions. They believe that to maintain control and achieve their goals, they must repress any feelings that could be perceived as a weakness. But here's the truth: emotions, all emotions are messages from the deeper and, indeed, the deepest parts of ourselves, guiding us toward our truths, our values and our deepest desires.
Let's say that you're at the top of your field, but you feel that something is missing. You might have a nagging sense of dissatisfaction or maybe you're experiencing burnout. These feelings are signals, signposts, but if you've spent a lifetime repressing them, you'll struggle to interpret what they're trying to tell you.
Repression also affects how you show up in the world. It can make you seem aloof or disconnected, or just distracted and not really there. In the realm of dating, it can be a total deal breaker. Consider James, a client of mine, an engineer in his late-30s. He is brilliant and successful, but he struggles in the dating world. [06:08.1]
Women tell him he seems distant, hard to read, and it's not that James lacks depth or emotion. It's that his repression has created a chasm between his inner world in his outward expression, and he's not even aware of it. The good news is that repression isn't a life sentence. It's a habit, and habits can be changed. The first step is awareness, recognizing when you're pushing feelings away. From there, it's about learning to stay with the discomfort, to listen to the emotion without judgment and to express it in healthier ways.
When we push our true feelings beneath the surface, we're not just hiding them from the world. We're hiding them from ourselves. We're distancing ourselves from those feelings, and this detachment is akin to walking through life with a blindfold. We might think we're protecting ourselves, but in reality, we're just stumbling in the dark. [07:00.0]
When we suppress those uncomfortable feelings, we're also suppressing parts of ourselves, because there's parts of us having those feelings, and if we do that often enough and long enough, we become alienated from ourselves. We become disconnected inside us.
Those parts of ourselves that we've been trying to repress, don't go away. They're just exiled in the basements of our minds. But we can only keep them there for so long before they break out or sabotage, or undermine our conscious minds. We're also unable to access the great power and potential of these parts of ourselves that we've exiled or pushed away into the shadows.
As a result, we force ourselves to live relatively one-dimensional lives, and thereby deprive ourselves of experiencing the richness of a more multi-dimensional life. These parts that we push into the shadows out of fear, actually hold not just the most intense pain of sadness or anger, but also the greatest sense of play in spontaneity, and adventure and sexiness, so when we are “dis-integrated” inside, we block ourselves from experiencing the fullness of a life of joy and fulfillment and happiness that can only come from an integrated life. [08:15.2]
Take the example of a client I’ve worked with named . . . let's call him Martin, a software developer whose dedication to his craft is extreme. He's driven, focused and relentlessly pushing toward the next breakthrough, but when it comes to his personal life, Martin is absent. He's physically there, but, mentally, he's still at work, mulling over code in upcoming projects. His wife feels like she's living with a ghost. Martin's repressed stress and fatigue don't just vanish. They pull his attention away from the present moment and rob him of genuine interactions.
Or consider someone else I’ve worked with, let's call her Sarah, a marketing executive. Her team respects her for her decisiveness and her unflappable demeanor, but what they don't see is the cost of that composure. Sarah has become so adept at repressing her frustration and her disappointment that she's numbed herself to her successes as well. [09:10.3]
At networking events, she's physically present, but emotionally distant, her mind always racing to the next task in the future, never fully engaged with those around her. The standard achiever’s M.O. is to focus on the future, and as a result, they're never really fully present with you in the present moment. That's part of the achiever’s curse, and if they don't know how to undo this curse, they end up experiencing life where they work really hard, but never get to enjoy the rewards of that hard work.
So, repressing these emotions and thoughts that we don't like and, indeed, repressing the parts of us that are having these emotions and thoughts, this is like a fog clouding our perception and judgment. It keeps us anchored to our past grievances, making us replay those scenarios over and over again, or it sends us hurtling into the future, as many achievers do, fraught with anxiety about what has yet to come. This state of preoccupation is the antithesis of presence. It doesn't just diminish our interactions. It depletes our experience of life. [10:11.6]
Let's take as an example, a client I’ve worked with, let's call him Alex. He's a financial analyst and he came to me with a successful career but a personal life in tatters. His relationships were superficial at best and he often felt isolated. As we worked together, it became clear that Alex's repression of vulnerability was a huge barrier to enjoyment of life.
He had internalized early on in life that emotions were a sign of weakness, and this belief had him locking away feelings of sadness, longing, but even joy. When dating, Alex could go through the motions, but he couldn't connect emotionally. Women sense this disconnect, as did I when working with him, and his relationships fizzled out before they could even start. [10:57.1]
Through the therapeutic process, Alex learned to acknowledge and express his emotions. He began practicing mindfulness and meditation, and worked through my presence modules in my Emotional Mastery program, learning lots of tools to bring himself back to the present moment. This shift didn't happen overnight, of course, but as Alex became more comfortable with his emotions, he started to experience a newfound sense of connection with others. He was finally present, not just as a spectator in his life, but as an active participant.
In our lives, particularly as achievers, we're often led to believe that to succeed, we must suppress anything that doesn't serve our pursuit of goals. But this repression comes at a high price. It costs us our presence, and without presence, we can't truly connect with others, nor can we savor the life that we're working so hard to build. [11:55.3]
Now, let's peel back another layer and examine this, what I’ve mentioned before, the achiever’s curse or the achiever’s dilemma. This is a trap that's so subtle but pervasive that it often goes unnoticed until the damage is done. High achievers are celebrated for their relentless pursuit of excellence. They are the ones who stay late, take on the toughest projects, and drive innovation. But there's a shadow to this light, one that can deeply affect their ability to be present and connect on a human level.
Take the case of another client, we'll call them Jonathan. He’s a top-tier lawyer. His ability to focus intensely and push aside distractions have led to him being a star in his firm, but the same ability becomes his undoing in his personal life. Jonathan finds himself unable to switch off the goal-oriented mindset. During a dinner date, instead of attuning to the conversation with his partner, he's strategizing his next career move. His presence is there in body, but not in spirit or mind or heart. His partner feels this and it creates a chasm between them. [13:04.5]
Take another example, let's call her Elena, an entrepreneur whose startup is a big deal in the tech world. It's really taken off. She has mastered the art through this period of emotional compartmentalization. This is a skill that has served her well in these high-stress environments, but at home, this compartmentalization translates to emotional unavailability.
When her partner shares concerns or seeks emotional support, Elena automatically shifts into problem-solving mode, bypassing the emotional connection entirely. The message sent, though unintended, is clear: “Your feelings are problems to be fixed, not experiences to be shared.” As a result, there's no real emotional connection that lasts very long between them. [13:48.6]
No matter their physical strength, for many men, emotions are too much for them to handle. It's why they can't give women the deeper levels of emotional intimacy and connection that they crave. It's why they fail to be the man that modern women desire most: a man with inner strength, a man who has mastered his emotions.
Find out how to master your emotions through David Tian's “Emotional Mastery” program. The Emotional Mastery program is a step-by-step system that integrates the best of empirically-verified psychotherapy methods and reveals how to master your internal state and develop the inner strength that makes you naturally attractive, happy, and fulfilled.
Learn more about this transformational program by going to DavidTianPhD.com/EmotionalMastery.
That's D-A-V-I-D-T-I-A-N-P-H-D [dot] com [slash] emotional mastery.
This achiever’s curse lies in the belief that emotions are hurdles on the track to success. This mindset might feel a rise to the top in the corporate world, but it acts like an anchor dragging down the depths of your personal relationships. Emotions aren't just distractions. They're messages from the deepest parts of ourselves. By ignoring these, achievers are inadvertently tuning out the very frequencies that make the music of relationships so rich and resonant. [15:13.0]
Here's another example, an investment banker, let’s call him Max, and his story is actually quite common. In his relentless drive for success, he has earned many accolades, but this has left him emotionally bankrupt. In his world, vulnerability is a liability. His relationships are superficial, marked by a lack of true intimacy, because he has lost touch with his own emotional self. When the woman he’s dating expresses the need for deeper connection, Max sees this as an inefficiency rather than as a genuine human need.
The achiever’s trap is the misconception that the same skills that propelled one to the heights of their career can be applied in the same manner to personal relationships. The focus and emotional suppression that might help you clinch a deal or close a negotiation are precisely what will fumble the ball in the game of love and connection, and even dating and passion. [16:06.3]
What's needed is balance, an integration of the achiever’s drive with the human need for emotional connection and presence, and, indeed, these are different parts of you that in most achievers are disintegrated. It's not just about learning to be present then. It's about unlearning the habits of emotional repression that has been mistaken for strength for so long. It's about recognizing that the very qualities that might be an asset in one area of life can be a liability in another.
So, what's the solution? It starts with awareness, with recognizing the patterns that we have fallen into. For achievers like the ones I’ve mentioned, the path forward involves a conscious effort to value emotions and presence as much as they value professional presence. It's a journey of relearning, of giving yourself permission to feel, to be vulnerable, and to see that the true measure of a successful life isn't just in what you achieve, but in the richness of your human experience. [17:06.1]
Okay, now let's go a level deeper, especially if you're the kind of person who's always on the move, always striving for more. Have you ever heard of Buridan's ass? The ass is actually a donkey, but I like to call it Buridan's ass to get people's attention. It's this thought experiment about a donkey stuck between two identical piles of hay. It can't decide which one to eat from, so it ends up doing nothing and then starving.
It's a bizarre story, but it points out something critical about us human beings. We need our emotions to make choices and get moving. Antonio Damasio, one of the biggest names in the world of neuroscience, uses this story to show how our emotions are the kick-starters of our actions. Without emotions, like desire or even preference, we're all just like that donkey. We get stuck at the crossroads, indecisive and inert, because rationality, pure rationality on its own, cannot tell us what to desire. So, emotions aren't just random reactions. They're the core of our decision-making engine. [18:09.0]
For all the high achievers tuning in, here's something more to chew on. We often think of our goals as these finish lines that we're rushing towards. But why are you running? What's at the end of that race? It's not just the accolades or the achievement itself. It's the feeling we're after, that if we get to the end of this race, we will feel happy or satisfaction, or fulfillment, connection, love, or whatever it is, you name it. And these aren't just nice add-ons. They're the whole point. They're the reason we're doing it really in the first place.
Our journey toward our achievement goals aren't just a logical process. Our journey itself is fueled by our emotions, the very start and end of everything we do. Without feelings, why bother starting anything? And once we reach our goals, it's the emotional reward that we're really seeking to feel that sense of achievement or joy, or pride or that sense of contribution. These are all feelings. [19:07.5]
What's at the end of all of our achievement goals, it's really that we're hoping to feel a certain way, as a result. What's the point of having all the creature comforts of modern technology if you feel nothing, if you're just literally a robot, or even worse, if you still feel like complete crap?
So, as we hustle towards our next big thing, let's not forget to check in with our feelings. They're not just passengers along for the ride. They're driving the car and they're the ultimate destination, the end goal. That's how we make sure that as we're ticking off these achievements, we're also soaking up the experiences enjoying the journey, and doing so for all the right reasons. That's where the magic of life happens.
Now, you might be thinking what's the big deal with keeping some emotions under wraps? Let me tell you, it's like trying to keep a beach ball submerged underwater. It takes a lot of effort, and eventually, it's going to pop up, usually at the worst times. [20:03.7]
Let's get real about how emotional repression shows up in our relationships. Ever felt like you just couldn't connect deeply with someone, even if you really wanted to? Or maybe you found yourself holding back from showing your true feelings. This isn't just about being stoic or strong. It's about a deeper issue where we've pushed our emotions so far down that they can't find their way back up when we need them. It's like we've got this emotional constipation, and it can really mess up our connections with people.
Here's the thing about relationships. They thrive on openness, vulnerability and emotional exchange. When we're open and honest about our feelings, it creates this beautiful space for genuine connection for the courage to connect. But when we're repressing our emotions, we're like a car trying to run without fuel. We might look shiny on the outside, but inside, we're running on empty, and that's a really lonely place to be. [21:02.2]
When it comes to personal growth, emotional awareness and emotional expression are like the bread and butter of growing as a person. It's about getting cozy with our emotions, understanding them and letting them guide us. But when we repress our emotions, we're basically shutting the door on a massive part of who we are. We're cutting off a critical source of information about ourselves and our needs. It's like trying to navigate through life with a blindfold on; you're bound to bump into stuff and it's going to hurt.
Our emotions are like signposts pointing us toward what we need to work on, what makes us truly happy, and what we should steer clear of, even if we're used to it. They're like the GPS system of our psyche, and when that system is off, we end up feeling lost, confused, and often in places that we regret and never wanted to be.
Think about the last time you felt truly alive and connected. I bet those emotions were flowing freely. Now think about a time when you felt stuck or disconnected. Chances are emotions were bottled up tighter than a drum. It's a stark contrast, isn't it? [22:08.7]
Okay, now let's dive into some hands-on strategies to tackle emotional repression and boost our ability to be present, especially for you higher achievers out there—and remember, I'm pulling these from a much bigger program called Emotional Mastery.
Okay, let's start off with mindfulness. This is a now trendy buzzword, but it's a lot more than a buzzword. It's about being aware of your thoughts and feelings in the moment and without judgment. Think of it like tuning into a radio frequency where your emotions are the music. Practicing mindfulness can be as simple as taking five to 10 minutes each day to sit quietly and notice what's going on inside you. You might be surprised at what you've been tuning out.
Journaling is another killer tool in this process. It's like having a conversation with yourself on paper. Pour out what you're feeling with no filters. You might start with something like, “Today, I felt really annoyed when . . .” right? And just let it flow. The act of writing itself helps you to process emotions and thoughts that you might not have even realized were bubbling under the surface, and when you're done, you can always shred it or throw it out, if that allows you to write more freely. [23:14.8]
And, of course, let's not forget about therapy or therapeutic coaching. Sometimes having a professional or expert guide you through your emotional landscape can make all the difference. A professional therapeutic coach is like an emotional equivalent to a personal trainer, showing you the ropes, pointing out blind spots, and encouraging you when things get tough.
Now, for all you goal-oriented achievers out there, I know it's easy to get caught up in the next big thing. The chase, right? The next promotion, the next whatever. But let's shift gears a bit. It's crucial to balance that go-getter attitude with emotional awareness. Think of it like running a marathon or ultra-marathon. Sure you need to keep your eyes on the finish line, but you also need to tune into your body, catch your breath, stay hydrated, pace yourself, or you'll burn out before you even see the finish line. [24:05.8]
Let's reiterate perhaps the most important point to achievers about emotions. As achievers, we're always gunning for that next big goal, right? We're chasing the next promotion, the next big business milestone, the next whatever. We think these achievements will bring us happiness, meaning, fulfillment, significance or a sense of self-worth. But here's the thing we often forget—all of these are, at their core, emotions.
Take a moment to think about it. Why are we working so hard to achieve X, Y or Z? We're under the impression that reaching these goals will finally unlock the door to our happiness. But happiness isn't a trophy sitting on a shelf waiting for us. It's a feeling, an emotion that we're all chasing. So is meaning. So is fulfillment. So is self-worth.
And here's another twist—when we aim to add value to others’ lives, whether it's helping them live longer or giving them more free time, or improving their health, what are we actually trying to give them? More opportunities to experience emotions, like joy, love, fulfillment and meaning. We often overlook this, but it's the emotions that make these achievements valuable. [25:16.3]
Think about it. Why is a longer life valuable? It's not just about adding years to life, especially if those years are really shitty. It's about adding life to those years, more opportunities for experiences, relationships, and, of course, emotional fulfillment. What about better health? It's not just about avoiding illness. It's about feeling good, both physically and emotionally, so that you can enjoy life more fully.
So, as we achievers chase after our goals, let's not forget what we're actually after, those rich, fulfilling emotions. It's not just about the destination or the accolade. It's about the emotional journey and the feelings we experience along the way. This realization can be a game changer in how we approach our goals and what we truly value in our achievements. [26:06.1]
At the end of the day, it's not just about what we accomplish, but how it makes us feel. That's the real price. You can start integrating moments of reflection into your daily routine. Maybe it's during your morning coffee or your workout, or right before bed. Take this time to check in with yourself. How are you feeling about where you're at? What's driving you and what's dragging you down? This isn't about changing your goals, but about understanding the emotional fuel behind them.
Okay, so let's do a quick recap here. We've been talking about emotional repression, a common trap, especially for high achievers. This is when you push down those nagging feelings and thoughts, because they seem inconvenient or distracting. But here's the catch: doing this can lead to a disconnect from what you truly feel and experience. It's like trying to drive with a foggy windshield. [26:56.3]
And let's remember, presence isn't just about showing up physically. It's about being fully engaged emotionally and psychologically. When you're present, you connect deeply, whether it's with a date or partner, or even in your day-to-day interactions.
But the achiever’s curse? You're so focused on hitting those goals that emotions take a backseat. Ironically, the very skills that make you successful in your career can trip you up in your personal relationships. It's a tough balancing act, but one that's crucial if you want to have a fulfilling life.
Now, let me end with a case study here of . . . let's call him John, and he's kind of your typical achiever. He's a 35-year-old tech entrepreneur. He’s successful. His personal life, however, is a bit of a mess. He came to me feeling isolated, despite being surrounded by people all the time. His relationships were surface-level at best. Why? Because John was so caught up in his work that he never really tuned into his emotions or those of others around him. [27:56.0]
We worked on integrating presence and mindfulness and meditation into his routine, simple stuff, like spending 10 minutes each morning, just sitting with his thoughts, no distractions, and journaling. At first, this felt awkward for him, but soon he was uncovering layers of thought and emotion that he didn't even know existed. He discovered parts of himself that he was repressing that he had exiled and that he had pushed into the shadows. It was like he'd been walking around with earplugs and suddenly had pulled them out. That's how he explained it to me.
The real game changer for him was the therapeutic process. John initially resisted. He's a self-made man, after all. But with some nudging, he gave it a shot, and it opened up a whole new world for him. He learned how to be present and practiced it, and staying with uncomfortable emotions, feeling through them, and he was able to be present, not just physically, but emotionally with others.
So, maybe you're something like that. Maybe you're always on the go. Maybe you struggle with forming deeper connections in your relationships or with people that you're meeting. Maybe you're always thinking ahead, never fully in the moment. [29:01.5]
Through presence practices and mindfulness and meditation, an honest reflective work in the therapeutic process, and taking seriously the importance of being present in life, you too can learn to slow down, listen more deeply, and open up courageously about your feelings.
The transformation in your relationships will be incredible. You'll go from quick, unfulfilling flings to meaningful connections. So, if you're constantly repressing your emotions and focusing solely on your goals, you're missing out on the richness of life. Being present, truly present, can change your relationships and your overall experience of life itself.
I hope this episode was rewarding for you. Thank you so much for listening. If you liked this, please hit a like or give a good rating on whatever platform you're listening to this on, and hit subscribe or follow. And if you've benefited from this in any way, please share it with anyone else that you think could benefit from it.
Thank you so much for listening. I look forward to welcoming you to the next episode. Until then, David Tian, signing out. [30:01.4]
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