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As many as 90% of loving relationships transform into cold indifference. This is true even in intimate, long-term relationships.

In fact, the more intimate your relationship becomes, the more likely you are to sabotage it.


Because intimacy triggers your buried inner child parts—and they wreak havoc when they surface.

But don’t worry. In this episode, you’ll discover the 3 requirements for a successful long-term relationship.

Want to be one of the lucky 10% whose relationship grows each day, year, and decade? Listen now.

Show Highlights Include:

  • Why only 10% of people can succeed in a long-term, modern relationship (and how to join the 10%) (3:54)
  • How to increase the hot, sexy passion in your relationship over time instead of watching it fade (8:26)
  • The counterintuitive way intimacy in your relationships triggers your exiled neediness buried deep in your psyche (15:27)
  • How heated arguments with your significant other are a good sign for your relationship (16:23)
  • Why most loving marriages transform into cold friendships (and how to prevent this) (17:47)
  • The insidious “Tor-Mentor” trap long-term relationships fall into which can poison them from the inside out (18:56)
  • The weird way to ensure the success of a long-term relationship by playing with toddlers (34:22)

Does your neediness, fear, or insecurity sabotage your success with women? Do you feel you may be unlovable? For more than 15 years, I've helped thousands of people find confidence, fulfillment, and loving relationships. And I can help you, too. I'm therapist and life coach David Tian, Ph.D. I invite you to check out my free Masterclasses on dating and relationships at https://www.davidtianphd.com/masterclass/ now.

For more about David Tian, go here:

Get access to all my current and future online coaching courses by applying for the Platinum Partnership program today at:

Read Full Transcript

Welcome to the Masculine Psychology Podcast, where we answer key questions in dating, relationships, success, and fulfillment, and explore the psychology of masculinity. Now, here's your host, world-renowned therapist and life coach, David Tian.

David: Welcome to the Masculine Psychology podcast. I'm David Tian, your host.
In this episode, I’ll be getting into the three requirements for a successful relationship. One of the many reasons this is so important is because the success of your relationship is dependent 80 to 90 percent on your mate selection, your partner selection, choosing the partner. This is a very important point to pause on just to further emphasize that most people are not ready for a relationship. Most people are not mature enough to succeed in a long-term relationship. [00:55.4]

They don't yet have what it takes to succeed in a long-term relationship in the modern world, where in the modern world, there aren't the societal pressures that used to keep two people stuck in a relationship when it had basically already died, and nowadays in the modern world, you live a life of, quote-unquote, “quiet desperation”, or you just get a divorce or you just separate because it's really straightforward and easy, relatively speaking, whereas in your grandparents' generation or, depending on how old you are, maybe your parents' generation in the ’50s and earlier, it was harder, and especially if you go further back in time, it was almost impossible. You would be cast out of your community, if you got a divorce, and in many religious communities, it wasn't even an option.

Because of these societal pressures, you'd make it work or you'd just stick it out and that would be considered a successful relationship. I wouldn't consider it successful, but looking at it, the people who don't know or understand what a successful relationship is, looking at it from the outside, they're saying, Well, they're still married. Therefore, it must be successful. Let's give them a big [hand], clap it up because they've been together for 50 years, and we don't know the quality of that relationship. [02:12.8]

But in the modern world, because it's relatively easy to separate or divorce, relatively straightforward and it's so common, there are very few external pressures to keep you together and people would just separate, and in fact, it turns out, for those who aren't in relationships, it's very surprising for them, because they look around and see all these people coupled up and they think, Oh, there must be something wrong with me.

Actually, no, there's a very good chance that those people that you look around at and see in relationships are either at the early periods of their relationship or are one of the rarer, let's say, 10 to 20 percent of couples who actually have the maturity to succeed in a long-term relationship. But most people don't. [02:59.0]

Again, I haven't studied all the people in the world. I haven't studied all whatever 8 billion people in the world. This is based on the research that has been done in couples counseling, psychotherapy, that sort of thing, but mostly even just from looking at the internet, watching the content that's put out there about relationships, people talking about relationships, as well as people commenting on that content.

The vast majority of it displays an immaturity and these immature views that would guarantee that they fail in a long-term relationship, absent external societal pressures that would force them to stay together, on paper anyway, but inside, the love is gone or the passion is gone, or the love was never there in the first place. That infatuation has died away.

Based on the existing research and what I’ve seen on the internet, and the people I know and have come into contact with, I'd estimate that 20 percent, maybe as few as 10 percent of people, of adults are mature enough to succeed in a long-term modern relationship. [04:04.8]

Here are the three requirements. I'm going to get into the three requirements so that you can spot that minority of 10 to 20 percent of women, of adult women, who would have what it takes currently when you meet them to succeed in a long-term relationship. Again, not only is it that 80 to 90 percent of adults are not mature enough to succeed in a long-term relationship in the modern world, but also 80 to 90 percent of your chances of succeeding in a long-term relationship come down to the person that you select.

Again, addressing a big myth that a lot of single guys or a lot of immature guys have about what it takes to be in a relationship. The big myth is they think most women would have what it takes to be in a relationship and they're just mostly looking at the physical attractiveness, which is very important. It's hard to have passion and chemistry in your relationship, if you're not at least physically attracted to the person, and, of course, you would want to get somebody who you are physically attracted to. [05:04.8]

At some point you have to decide what satisfies your requirements, because if you're just always looking to optimize, there's always a new model. Just like for your iPhone or your car, there's always going to be a new model to come along. If you haven't figured out what the satisfying condition is, then you're going to be screwing yourself over.

But assuming that you already have this minimal requirement for physical attractiveness at this point in her life and your life for what it would take for you to commit for life, knowing that all this physical beauty, if you're just looking for the standard markers for physical beauty, will wither away over time, though with cosmetic surgery and just sort of taking care of yourself, you can delay that. Especially with modern technology, you can delay it further and further, but eventually you're going to have to look at inner beauty and, over time, inner beauty will definitely trump outer beauty. [05:55.2]

I just wanted to get that out of the way and dispose of that factor and put that caveat out there. Obviously, physical attractiveness is important. If that's something that you're obsessed about or that you're mostly focused on, getting a hot girl, then I recommend that you don't actually follow my channel right now because you're too immature for this content.
That's a sign that you're too immature for a long-term relationship, and this is actually a great way to make the point that most women, just like most men, are too immature for a long-term relationship. They don't have yet what it takes. They don't understand what it takes. They don't have the emotional maturity and maybe the moral fiber for what it takes to succeed in the long-term relationship.

Yes, most women, like most men, are not ready to succeed in a long-term relationship yet. They need to go through the therapeutic process. They need to understand what is actually at stake in a relationship in terms of vulnerability, meeting your own needs, unconditional love, and so forth—and I just wanted to point out that part of the motivation for this episode is in response to a comment on the last episode, on the last episode on how to create a healthy, intimate relationship naturally. [07:06.4]

There was a comment. I think his name is Eloy who asked to clarify or to confirm that most women would not be suitable for a long-term relationship, and I want to throw in the word “yet” because I always want to leave the door open for growth. God knows, I’ve done a lot of growth in my life and was pretty damn immature earlier in my life, so always allowing the grace for growth there, so we're saying “yet”. The person is not mature enough yet for a relationship and that person may never be mature enough for a relationship, but they might, so we're always leaving that as a possibility, though, as soon as I open that door of possibility, the White Knight fixers among many nice guys jump up and say, “Let me rescue this woman. I'll do all I can to help her grow.” Of course, he's blind to his own neediness and his own need for growth there.

But all of that aside, yes, it is true that most people, not just most women, but most men and women, are not mature enough yet to succeed in a long-term relationship in the modern world, and even depending on how you define success, regardless of the modern world, pre-modern as well, they weren't mature enough to succeed in the long-term relationship. It was just that they stayed together physically longer because of the external societal constraints. [08:17.2]

I define success in a long-term relationship, not just staying together, so that's a very superficial and immature way of looking at success, the fact that they're still together. A successful long-term relationship is one that's still passionate and where the couple still has chemistry. They still flirt. They still have lots of, of course, intimacy and love and connection, and compassion and kindness, and loyalty and support for each other, but also there’s a hot, sexy passion that can be sustained and grown over time, despite what researchers or despite what I might have said 10 years ago because I was speaking off the research. There is now new research and I understand it a lot better at a lot deeper level, what it takes to create that, and so I’ve put that into my courses, like “Rock Solid Relationships” and even some of my free master classes. [09:04.8]

By the way, I do have a free masterclass on “Is she relationship material?” Another name for the same masterclass is “Relationship Red Flags”, and in this master class, I not only go through the red flags, I also go through the green lights, what's required, the requirements for a successful relationship.

Here, in this episode, I'm going to be condensing some of those requirements into one, and so the actual number of them can change depending on what you want to emphasize. In this one, I'm going to be presenting three. It's a lot easier to remember than a long list and I'm also going to be responding to a comment, so I just wanted to point that out. If you comment, I read them. My channel or platform is small enough that I can read all the comments and I try to respond to as many as I can, so you make a difference. I love to get your feedback. [09:53.0]

Right now, I am on the road. I've been traveling, flying from Taiwan to Singapore, and then to London and now through Newark into Toronto, and currently recording this in my parents' home and my younger sister has her two sons here as well. We've got our one-year-old who's napping upstairs. I'm in the basement, in my dad's basement office, so you might hear some pitter-pattering of feet in all kinds of other background noise. Maybe the editors, the audio editors of the Podcast Factory will be able to cut that out, but just in case you hear any kind of background noise, it’s because I'm not in a studio. I'm in my dad's basement office, which is actually quite nice. It's all wood walls and wood ceiling.

But because I'm on the road and I do not have ready-made conditions for recording, I'm recording this much later than I usually would, much later in the week and I'm sending it to the editors. One benefit from that is that I get to see the comments from the previous episode before I record this current one and I'm able to respond and incorporate that right away. This is really great. If you write comments, I will adjust the next episode I record, which might be two episodes later, normally, but I'm able right now to respond right away. [11:07.8]

Let's get into the three requirements. Again, not only is the requirement going to be someone who is physically attractive for you, because, as a man, you're going to need to get it up and that will require that you're turned on enough by her sexually and aroused enough sexually, though, if she is a feminine woman, she can often arouse the masculine or a masculine man just through her vibe. Maybe just standing there, or if you're in the fashion industry and you are assessing her potential as a model, you might notice these imperfections or asymmetries, but if she's feminine, often she can become a lot more sexual to you and arouse you a lot more through her energy, her body language, her eye contact, the sound of her voice, how she moves her body and what she says, and how she arouses you. [11:58.8]

I mean, back in my day, back in my day, back in the 1980s and 1990s, before the internet, there was phone sex and just through the sound of a woman's voice and her describing a fantasy that was, I don't know, what, 9.99 a minute or some crazy thing like that that men would be paying for.

Okay, all that aside, the physical attractiveness, the sexual chemistry, that's just for starters. If you're immature, that's everything. If you're mature, that just gets your foot in the door. On top of that here, the three requirements for a successful long-term relationship, because, by the way, the physical attractiveness and the sexiness is like the requirement for, I don't know, a sex worker for you or a stripper that you choose to tip, okay. On top of that, we're looking now at a long-term, like 50-year relationship. What's it going to take beyond just titillation and sexual stimulation?

Okay, so here are the three and, like I was saying, 80 to 90 percent of the success of your long-term relationship comes down to the selection of your partner, mate selection. What are you actually looking for? Okay, here are three things. [12:59.7]

The first is that she's able to meet her own needs. Whatever applies to you is going to apply to her, so you've got to be able to meet your own needs if you want to succeed in the long-term relationship and you can't be doing all the heavy lifting. I mean, if you are doing all of it and she doesn't grow and meet you there, so let's say you're able to meet your own needs because you've taken my courses, and you've done quite a bit of therapy and you're far along in the therapeutic process. Then you meet this woman who you’ve got a lot of chemistry with, you're very aroused by and you're really turned on by, in other words, quote-unquote, “attracted to”, but she's immature and she can't meet her own needs.

You can probably take on that burden for a few years, but after a while, it's not going to work, unless she learns from you, models you, and starts to meet her own needs and grows in that way. But that actually is rare that now you're playing with fire.

Again, I don't want to activate or trigger the nice guy, White Knight fixer, who is going to say to himself, “Oh, that's perfect. This girl that I have a crush on or this girl that I'm in a relationship with, she's really immature. But if I play the White Knight, if I do the heavy lifting, if I do the work, then we can make this work and we'll stay together.” No, for the fixers, that's exactly what your fixer parts have been hearing since childhood that you're supposed to take responsibility for her needs, and that's not going to work in your relationship. [14:19.1]

First and foremost, you're looking for a woman who is able to meet her own needs most of the time. I mean, we're all growing. We're all in process, so you can't expect immediately all the time that she's always meeting her own needs. Obviously, same with you. Obviously, same with me. We all have stresses in our lives, lost luggage like we had as we were going through Heathrow. Luckily, we didn't lose any of our luggage, but Newark to Pearson Airport did.
Just having just little stresses like that, maybe lack of sleep, maybe a bad diet, or maybe you got Caved, all good reasons to be a little grumpy and short with people, and so more grace for yourself. But being able to meet your own needs most of the time or consistently or frequently, or it's increasing over time in frequency that you're able to meet your own needs, is really important. [15:06.6]

Why? Not only, for the man, a lot of it has to do with attractiveness—I've done so many podcast episodes on the importance of neediness and how your neediness is directly proportional to unattractiveness or inversely proportional to your attractiveness—but for a woman and for a man in a relationship, it's also important, and maybe this is more important than attractiveness.

It's more important or also important, because the more intimacy there is in a relationship and, over time, if the relationship is growing, you're going to become more and more intimate, which will require more and more vulnerability, which will necessarily begin to trigger those parts of yourself that have been hidden that maybe have been hidden so deep in your psyche that you're not even aware of them. But those parts that are buried deep, exiled as IFS therapy likes to call it, exiled in your psyche, in your unconscious, will become activated and will want to come out the more intimacy this relationship has. [16:02.6]

Over time, your needy inner child parts will be coming out, looking for love and connection, and significance and security, from somewhere else, from the other, from your wife or girlfriend, and if you're not able to meet your inner child parts’ needs, then that will be the end of that relationship.

You might have experienced something like this, where at the beginning of the relationship, it was all really smooth and exciting, and that's what we call the honeymoon stage. Then you get more and more intimacy, and now you have these big fights that become where it's like you can't even remember what you were actually fighting about. You just remember the effects of it, which are, I don't know, a broken chair, broken dishes, broken windows, words that were said that you completely regret in the cool light of day, when you've calmed down, and you can't even remember what it was about how it started. But what happened was you triggered each other and what was going on is parts of yourself that were vulnerable were not getting their needs met, and as a result, other parts of you jumped in and were the Hulk, right? Then these are what IFS therapy called firefighter parts that try to put out the fires and they do that in extreme ways. [17:13.2]

This will happen, guaranteed. This is actually a good sign because it actually shows that there's growing intimacy. However, this is usually the death knell of most relationships because the persons involved don't know how to deal with their own intimacy, their own vulnerability, their own exiles when they burst out. So, their normal way of dealing with it is ineffective that it is going to be quite extreme, and the more intimacy that is involved, the more extreme the protective mechanisms become.

It's actually going to be the case that the further along for most people, 80 to 90 percent, just based on what I’ve seen out there in the internet, plus the research, are going to get more and more triggered over time. Either they're just going to shut down and shut off their intimacy. [18:04.3]

You might see couples like that who basically are still together because of the kids and they're basically civil maybe, but they're cold. They're not opening up to each other. They're not going to each other for intimacy. They might just be in a kind of cold partnership, friendship maybe, I don't know, like a hi-bye type of friendship, like there's a truce, but there's no intimacy, no passion involved, and that's the majority of relationships, I don't know, 50, 60 percent of them.
Then the remaining 30, 40 percent of unsuccessful relationships, they just get a divorce and, for whatever reasons, they decide it's not worth it to stay together physically or logistically, so they separate. Maybe they still have a co-parenting relationship, which you hope they have for the kids. But that's how I would define an unsuccessful relationship that they had to separate, or even if they had to stay together, that the passion's gone.

This happens when you're unable to meet your own needs and she's unable to meet her own needs, because what happens in an intimate relationship is that you become the other person's “tor-mentor.” I borrow that term from Richard Schwartz, the founder of IFS therapy, and in fact, I’ve done a whole lecture, a seminar in person. [19:09.8]

There’s a video of me giving the seminar on what it takes to succeed in an unconditional love relationship, what it looks like between two true selves in an unconditional love relationship. It's on my YouTube channel. You can find it there, and there I go over Richard Schwartz's concept of the “tor-mentor”, the tor-mentor and the magical kitchen metaphor. These are really important concepts. I also teach these in a fuller version of them in my “Rock Solid Relationships” course in 2.0 version.

Okay, so the tor-mentor, what's this about? As I say, I can go into a lot more detail. If you want to read more about it, which I highly recommend, get Richard Schwartz's book, You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting for. “You Are the One You've Been Waiting for.” Just google “You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting for Richard Schwartz,” okay, and you'll find this book. It's a great book. I highly recommend it. [19:58.0]

The “tor-mentor” idea is that as there's more intimacy in the relationship, the other person will actually trigger your inner child exiles who are looking for love, because the other person, your partner in the relationship, you're kind of responding to them—these inner child parts are responding to the partner—as if they were your parent caregiver or your parent figure back in childhood whose love you crave the most, and as a result, you had to adapt or change how you were in order to get that parent figure's attention or approval, or connection or love.
Okay, I’ve covered this a lot in my other courses and in the podcast. This is where you tried out different coping strategies, like being a pleaser or an achiever, or a rebel or a loner withdrawing. These are all the different ways that you dealt with it as a child, you dealt with having to navigate, having to negotiate attention, love, connection with this parent figure or parent figures, and this gets transferred into your adult relationship the more intimate it gets. [21:05.2]

As a result, because these child parts of us that held the most vulnerability were repressed in order for us to get along in life, to get on with making money and getting all these adult responsibilities taken care of or even teenager responsibilities taken care of, we had to repress these childlike parts of us. They get dredged up again in intimate relationships and you'll go on in your life not even knowing these parts of you are there, but it's because of the intimate relationship that triggers them that allows you to discover them.
Hence, that other person becomes your mentor by tormenting you. That's the play on words, okay? Then your partner becomes your mentor. It allows you to learn more about yourself. It provides the conditions for you to learn more about yourself by triggering you, by tormenting you. [21:57.3]

If you can embrace that as an opportunity for you to learn more about yourself, for you to discover new parts of yourself that you might be aware of, but don't have a lot of familiarity with or haven't built a relationship with, then you are able to go and build a relationship with them, as a result of them getting triggered and brought out of the basements of your psyche so that you can meet their needs.

In order for all of that to happen, you’ve got to be pretty far along in the therapeutic process. You have to be able to get more access of your higher self so that you can access your confidence, your courage, the natural confidence and courage of your higher self, and the compassion and the care and the centeredness, and all those good qualities that I’ve covered before in my previous podcast episodes and seminars on the idea or the concept of the true self.

Only if and only when both parties in the relationship are mature enough to be able to meet their own inner child parts’ needs, their own exiles’ needs, when they come up, when they get triggered by the partner, by your partner, only then will you be able to succeed in a long-term relationship. [22:58.6]

Now, a quick caveat. Sometimes, especially earlier in the relationship, one partner may be more mature than the other and that more mature partner can also help to meet the needs of the more immature partner’s in our child parts. Okay, that can't go on indefinitely because that will be way too much of a drag on the more mature one.

You could have a relationship that I guess is sexual and intimate and romantic, where one partner is always emotionally dependent on the other, but this is not an ideal situation and I wouldn't call it a healthy one, especially if we're looking at a 50-year relationship. That situation could last three years. But if the immature partner is not growing, as a result, and able to better meet his or her own vulnerable parts’ needs, then this is really going to be a difficult situation.

The ideal is that both partners are mostly able to meet their own needs and they're mostly growing. In other words, each person is actually growing in their capacity and capability to meet their own parts’ needs for love, connection, security, significance, and so forth, because in an intimate relationship, guaranteed, you will trigger each other. [24:12.7]

This is actually a good thing because it's an opportunity. It's one of the only opportunities that will allow you to discover these parts of yourself and those needs that are not being met, so they are your mentor by tormenting you. They're your “tor-mentor.”

Okay, that's the first requirement that you're able to meet your own needs, because in an intimate relationship, you will trigger each other, and you're going to need to be able to go to those parts of you that are triggered and not require your partner to meet those triggered parts’ needs, because that will be the end of that relationship, if that were the case. That's how it is for most people. They don't know how to meet their own parts’ needs and, as a result, the relationship eventually blows up or dead ends inside and they're maybe physically together, but the chemistry is already gone. The passion is already gone. [25:02.4]

Do you struggle in your interactions with women or in your intimate relationship? Are fear, shame, or neediness sabotaging your relationships or attractiveness? In my Platinum Partnership Program, you'll discover how to transform your psychological issues, improve your success with women, and uncover your true self.
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Okay, so that's a super, super important requirement. That's why many episodes I’ve dedicated to what it takes to meet your own needs and this is what I’ve called the therapeutic process. The seven-step therapeutic process trains you to meet your parts’ needs yourself, because that's the first and most important requirement. [26:02.0]

The second requirement is that your partner values goodness. In other words, you have a moral partner. Okay, this is often taken care of when you start to meet your own needs, because a big part of meeting your own needs is meeting your parts’ needs for love, understanding, acceptance, and compassion. The therapeutic process guarantees that you don't end up like a Hitler. Okay? So, you can't actually meet your own needs if you're evil or if you're bad, or if you're a Machiavellian, seeing the whole world red in tooth and claw only, devoid of morality and goodness, as Red Pill sees it and as a lot of the men's dating gurus online see it.

She values goodness in and of itself. Right? Not just for what it can get her. She's not seeing the world and your relationship and you as what she can get out of it. She's not going into the relationship to get, not going into a relationship to get her needs met, but as a place instead to give, as an expression of who she is, of the love that's overflowing in her heart. [27:07.7]

Now, the reason it's so difficult for a lot of guys, because I’ve been talking about morality for years on my content and I get guys asking, “But how do you spot one? How do you find somebody, a woman, who's got integrity and compassion, and values goodness for its own sake? It's like this doesn't exist,” and I know why because I’ve met these men and I’ve been interacting with them online. I’m looking at their comments, what they actually share. I understand why it's so hard for you to find a moral woman, because you are not a moral man.
Okay, I'm going to let that sit. Most guys are not moral, just like most guys are not mature enough for a relationship. One of the reasons they're not mature enough for a relationship is not only the fact that they're quite early in the therapeutic process, not able to meet their own needs for connection and love, and significance and so forth in themselves. But, in addition, they themselves don't even value goodness for itself intrinsically. They're actually selfish and self-centered. They're just looking to get. “How do I get my sexual needs met by those hot women? How do I get a woman to meet my needs for love and connection?” [28:13.0]

They're only going to give if they can get, and as a result, your relationship is already doomed, because that's a relationship that's not founded on love. That's one that's founded on mutual interest. “As long as you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours. Oh, the minute you stop scratching my back, screw you, get the heck out of my house.” And all the red pillars are like, Yeah, of course, that's the way every relationship is.

No wonder you guys are so screwed up and you think all women are evil and don't have a single moral bone in their body. Part of it is because you don't, you lack integrity. Already, your agenda is one that lacks integrity, so that's pretty clear. But then, of course, you're actually seeing the world through the lenses that you have created. Those people who are actually morally good would just stay away from you. [28:55.8]

If I spot most guys are just using me, which is fine, because if they're paying me, I mean, this is a transaction. This is called business, so it's perfectly fine. I know the bargain. I mean, I know the deal. I’ve entered into this contract. It's an implicit contract and sometimes an explicit contract for what they want.

But in a true friendship, I can't just count on a contract, either implicit or explicit, because if it's just a contract, there might be ways of getting out of that contract or they might just say, “Screw the contract. I'm going to take the consequences and screw you over, screw you, David, over, and I'm going to take whatever I can from you and good luck trying to get it back or whatever, get revenge or whatever.” I just don't want to deal with people like that.
I want to deal with somebody I can trust. I want to deal with somebody that I can close my eyes around. I want to deal with people that have integrity, that have a sense of moral morality that love goodness for its own sake, because then I don't need to constantly monitor them or to read all the fine print in a contract that I have with them, because I can trust that they're good people. There actually are people like that, people who won't stab you in the back, even if they can profit greatly off it. [30:01.2]

Now, a lot of guys aren't good people actually. I don't think that they're yet bad people because a lot of guys just haven't even thought about it. Because they haven't thought about it, push hasn't come to shove yet, so they haven't been tested. They haven't been stress-tested. They haven't thought about what they would do in these morally-dicey situations. Therefore, they just revert to whatever is easiest, which is often just going along with whoever has the strongest frame or whatever most people are doing, or whatever will benefit them the most, and then they feel bad about it maybe afterwards. But because they haven't thought about it ahead of time, they're not prepared, right? You can't actually trust them yet. They're still naive.

I'm not talking about being naive. I don't want to surround myself with naive people. I want somebody who understands what evil and bad are and then has chosen not to go that way, even if it were to benefit them in the short term or maybe even in the long term in terms of worldly success, but because they value goodness, which includes, of course, integrity, loyalty, commitment, responsibility, love, compassion, kindness. [31:11.8]

As a result of being with somebody like that, it means I can relax. I can breathe deeply. I can close my eyes and be vulnerable around them and sleep, and have all my possessions around them and trust that they won't steal anything or do me wrong. That's a requirement in a long-term relationship, because if you're only in it because you can get something out of it, at some point you're going to torment each other, you're going to trigger each other, and it's not going to be pleasant for that moment.

If somebody isn't valuing morality, if it is a person who doesn't value morality, that person will take the easy road and quit or screw you over in a really nasty divorce. The reason it's so hard for most guys to find moral people is because like seeks like, okay. Moral people can tell or those who are not naïve. I’ve been defining morality, it means if you're just naive, then you're just not tested yet. I'm talking about being a moral person, you're somebody who is consciously chosen to do good, even when it's not to your immediate advantage or even to your long-term advantage. Somebody like that will stay away from you because they're used to spotting evil and bad. [32:24.4]

Actually each of these points, each of these three requirements, I could easily spend a whole semester or a whole year long course, a university-level course, a graduate-level course in each of these points, so I'm just going to move on from here. But just saying that the second requirement is somebody who values morality, values goodness, and understands what goodness is, and that requires that they understand what evil and bad are and they've consciously chosen not to go with the evil and bad directional route. [32:52.8]

They've consciously chosen integrity, compassion and goodness, because in a long-term intimate relationship, there will be times the more intimate it gets, when it gets hard, when it's not fun, when it's not pleasurable, and if you don't have the moral fiber to stick with it, then you will quit and you might even have so much anger and resentment towards your partner that got built up that you'll want to backstab them or make their life as torturous and difficult as possible, just to get your revenge, and all of that is just this anger. The more anger there is actually, the more love that these parts are actually wanting and not getting, so they turn into this evil version of themselves.

Okay, so that's morality. Then the third requirement is to understand unconditional love. Now, I believe, I'm going to say this is a controversial thing and it might even be surprising to many of you. I don't think a romantic relationship is the ideal place to find unconditional love. [33:53.8]

For most people, they have so much trouble understanding unconditional love in the first place and then they throw on the complexities of an adult relationship. Even in a true friendship, it's really tricky to talk about unconditional love and especially in a romantic relationship where there's even deeper levels of intimacy, including sexual intimacy. I don't think that the place where you should be, first and foremost, finding or looking for unconditional love should be in your romantic adult relationship.

The best place to practice and to first experience unconditional love is with a child. Now, if you can't, if you don't have a child, an actual person, a child, a physical external child in your life, the child is there really just to teach you also, I mean, obviously, that the child is valuable in and of itself, just as all people are, but the child is also there to teach you in terms of unconditional love and learning about it, what it's like to love your inner child, because for most men, it's hard to have love for yourself because of toxic masculinity that tells you to keep your emotions tampered down and it's unmanly to cry, and all that bullshit. Right? [34:59.4]

As a result, it's very hard for them to be vulnerable with themselves and even to find and be with their inner child parts, and to fully accept them for what toxic masculinity would call weakness, which is actually strength from a healthy perspective, but toxic masculinity has a very superficial, insecure, fearful view of what strength is.

As a result, I had to learn through loving first my goddaughter and then children that came into my life, including my son who is continuing to teach me how to love my own inner child parts, because it was hard as someone who was raised with a very tough mindset of just suck it up, fuck your feelings, just move forward, get shit done, and being able to turn inwards and find, first of all, and fully accept, second of all, and then, thirdly, fully understand and give love to my inner child parts. That inner child work is required in the therapeutic process and that's the best place to actually experience and get practice experiencing unconditional love in yourself, because then it's uncomplicated. [36:06.2]

Another proxy for a child might be a pet, a puppy, so if you're mature enough to love the puppy for itself and not just get a puppy so that you can grow, please don't do that. You're not going to be a good dog owner and you're going to traumatize this dog, so don't do that. But if you really have a place in your heart for a puppy, because you have so much love to give and you want to give it to an innocent and pure source, and you don't have like a nephew or a niece or a goddaughter or godson in your life, get a puppy. Okay? Specifically, a dog I think. But you can practice with cats, like a kitten, but they're generally more standoffish and more independent, so I would recommend a dog, but I'm a dog person. So, I’ll just say pet, okay?
It is not a good idea to be looking for unconditional love, first and foremost, in a romantic relationship. In fact, you shouldn't at all, because, obviously, that means that you're not able to meet your own need for unconditional love. You've got to be able to do that yourself for your own inner child parts that are craving it the most, being able to give them unconditional love. [37:12.8]

When they say to you your love, true self, is not good enough, this is a sign that you are actually not in the state of your higher self, but in the state of some protector part who has an agenda to grow or some self-help agenda, or some self-development, personal-development agenda.

I would recommend that you find a good IFS therapist and get to know these protector parts that have these agendas so that they can trust and allow enough room for your higher self to be there. You can also get really far along in the therapeutic process through my recorded courses, which you can get all-access to all of them through the Platinum Partnership, so I highly recommend that. Obviously, I'm a little biased there. But you can also get an IFS therapist. Get a good IFS therapist. [37:57.7]

Now, that's the third requirement that there is unconditional love, first and foremost, from yourself to yourself. When you are able to do this—okay, so this is also going to stretch credulity for a lot of single guys—when you're able to unconditionally love all of your parts, all the parts of you, including the parts of you that you might consider weak or that you're ashamed of, when you're able to give unconditional love, which is far more than just unconditional acceptance, but actually even more love for them, then you'll discover this unending eternal fountain of love inside you.

That's when you're ready for an intimate relationship, because there's so much unconditional love flowing from you that you've got so much that you want to give it. You want to give it to others, specifically. Not everyone, not the whole world, because then it dilutes it. That's sort of like I'm going to do a meditation on loving the whole world. Okay, that's cool. That puts you in a really nice state of mind and it feels really good, but you can't love somebody in—I'm going to name a faraway country from most people—Timbuktu or whatever, somebody in a village there. [39:02.8]

Most people have the time and the resources to unconditionally love and interact or engage with maybe half a dozen people, 12, 24. I’m picking nice round numbers, ballpark figures, right? This is unconditional love flowing from you. When you're able to meet all of your own parts’ needs and you discover you have a surplus still of an unending fountain of unconditional love, now you're ready to be in a relationship, because that's actually what's required.

That's actually what happens in a healthy relationship. Each partner is able to meet his or her own needs, him or herself. On top of that, they’ve still got so much love that they're able to also love their partner’s inner child parts fully, and then you have a whole other source of love. Okay, just like it's really great to have one loving parent, now you've got two, and that's what a loving, healthy, passionate relationship requires. [40:00.0]
Just to recap, first that each partner is able to meet his or her own needs most of the time and is growing in their capacity and capability to do so, so that when each of them becomes the others tor-mentor, they're able to actually learn from it and grow from it, because that is inevitable and actually a good sign of an intimate relationship. The second is that this person values morality, right, values goodness for its own sake. Third, this person has unconditional love for his or her own self, and as that person experiences that, they'll discover that there's a surplus of an unending source of it, and so that is the precondition for a healthy, romantic relationship that will last over time and grow over time.

Okay, and then, of course, I'm going to throw the caveat on there for all the immature guys. Of course, she's going to be really hot, blah, blah, blah, right? You’ve got to be physically attracted to each other. This can actually grow over time because it's subjective and relative. All right, so that physical attractiveness is one of the most minor and easiest factors to meet. The other three are a lot harder to find. [41:08.3]

And, yes, for all those immature guys out there, there are many immature women as there are immature men. I’m throwing their ballpark figure, right? But that's a pretty safe statement and that means that 80 percent of adult males, just as 80 percent of adult females, are not mature enough yet for a lasting, growing, intimate, loving, passionate relationship, maybe as high as 90 percent.

Yes, you are looking for someone in the minority, but as you yourself become more and more good and moral, and as you yourself get further along in the therapeutic process, giving love to yourself, as you yourself are able to meet your own needs, you will spot these other people. You'll have this radar that's naturally just going. You'll also have a radar that will have a kind of “ugh”, kind of like an “ugh” reaction to 80 percent of people. That's what my life is like, okay? [42:02.8]

Then you decide for yourself, why am I interacting with this person? Is it because they're my plumber and I need to get my plumbing fixed or whatever is the case? Then you decide this is a perfectly fine contract to be in, but what you don't do is get into a romantic relationship with them because you already understand what it takes, because you're actually going to be turned on by maturity, because you'll actually be spotting it because it's something that you are doing for yourself and it's feels so good in yourself, and then you find it attractive when you see it in others.

Immature people don't even notice it. It's sort of like radio waves, right? Like you're on the AM dial and you don't even notice the FM channels, but there's a whole other set of channels up there that are going along the way and your antenna or whatever, your device, you are not attuned to this other frequency or other set of frequencies, so it’s like that. When you are on the right road, you'll start to see them a lot more easily and you'll also avoid those who are on the roads that you were on, the roads of immaturity. [43:04.7]

If you get stuck in immaturity like most people or if you get sidetracked by Machiavellian game playing like you see in Red Pill and most of the dating advice for men online, your life will be guaranteed to be miserable in the long run. Maybe you'll get random sex and you get pleasure, and you might get narcissistic apply.

In other words, you’ll get your ego stroked and get validated for a little while, but you'll never be able to relax because you'll never be enough just by being yourself. You'll always have to earn it, which means you'll never be able to relax. You're on the perpetual backwards travelator. We say travelator in Canada. That's that walking … I don't know, in the airport that just keeps moving, but it's moving it backwards so you can never rest, and I’ve been on that. That's the achiever's trap and the achiever applies that to areas of life that you can't earn, like unconditional love, and they wonder why the world is devoid of love. It's just devoid of love for you and everyone who is like you who approaches life with these lenses on. [44:06.8]

That doesn't have to be the case for you. You can actually find lasting fulfillment, happiness, love, and joy in your life, just by you being you and just by you giving more love to yourself, choosing more love for yourself. If you invest in yourself for the therapeutic process, this life of a loving, intimate relationship, but even more importantly, for you being able to meet your own needs for unconditional love and acceptance, and being enough, that can be yours, but you've got to invest in the therapeutic process.

Okay, this episode was partly inspired by a comment, so please comment. Let me know what you thought about this episode. Give me any feedback on any prior episodes, too. Thanks so much for all of those who have been commenting and giving feedback. I appreciate it so much and all of those who have been liking it and given ratings and all that good stuff. Thank you on all the various podcast channels and platforms. I appreciate it so much. Thank you so much. If you know anyone who could benefit from this, please share it with them.
Thank you so much for listening. I look forward to welcoming you to the next episode. Until then, David Tian, signing out. [45:10.2]

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