It's time to rip the cover off what really works to ditch addiction, depression, anger, anxiety, and all other kinds of human suffering. No, not sobriety. We're talking the F-word here: Freedom. We'll share, straight from the trenches, what we have learned from leaving our own addictions behind, and coaching hundreds of others to do the same—and since it's such a heavy topic, we might as well have a good time while we're at it. [00:27.9]
Bob: And welcome back to another episode of the “Alive and Free Podcast.” You know, I want to tell you a little bit today, we're going to talk about winning and losing. So last night, I was at my son's baseball game. Now he's been playing, this is his first year playing baseball. He's never played before, he'd never owned a glove before. He's never hit a ball, or he's never played catcher pitcher first basement, second basement, anything like that. And this is a city league, so we signed him up because he was interested in it. We bought all the equipment and he's been slowly, slowly kind of practicing things, all these last couple of months. Now, as all teenagers do, you know, they get into something and immediately they start talking themselves up as if they're great. But you know, me as the dad looking at all the other players that have been playing for years, some of them on a city league, some of them on more accelerated leagues, some of them in high school leagues, and I'm watching all these players that are pretty darn amazing at what they do and I see my son and it's not that he's bad. He's actually doing quite well, I think. For his first time playing, but in comparison, there's this discrepancy right? [01:39.1]
Well, last night we’re the second to last game of the season and my son is their team is up 14 zero. So my son is given a chance to pitch in the fifth inning or the fourth inning. And so he goes out and I'm super excited for him because Yo, he gets a chance to pitch and he's going in and I'm like, I don't know how this is going to go cause he doesn't throw as hard as some of the other pitchers and things like that. And so I'm watching and he pitches and he throws a couple of wide ones. I was watching him warm up and I was like, Holy COW where's his.. where's his aim? But he gets on and he strikes out the first batter and I'm like super excited about it. I'm like, WOW! You know, top of their batting list, he strikes out their first batter. He's excited. He later tells me, you know, this is really good news and I'm super stoked. And I happened to have caught it on video, thankfully. Well I put my video and I start watching and then every other batter he throws a couple of strikes, you know, and then a few, one of them gets on base and then another one gets on base and then another one steals base and then, you know, bases are loaded and then someone gets a hit and then there's an error. [02:39.6]
And basically three runs are hit during that inning and he comes back in. And this to me, not bad, I've watched a bunch of other pitchers over the, over the season on a variety of different teams. And you know, I mean, obviously the pitchers on the other team are given away runs, right? And so three runs for him, I'm like, wow, he’s first time pitching, he's never really pitched before, but he really wanted to try it and here he is. But the whole time I was watching, have you had this happen where you're just like, Oh my gosh, you better win. Like, Oh like my brain, if I'm honest, right? I'm not the kind of like honesty where I was like, Oh no, it was really good. If I'm honest, I was super excited for him and at the same time, thoughts were entering my mind that were like, Oh, why are they leaving him into pitch? They're going to lose their lead. You know what happens if they lose the game? You know, you should really just play your best players and make sure that you really, really win. [03:31.1]
And I started to watch as my brain was going through this rigmarole of how winning is the most important thing when it comes to sports and how losing is not okay. And that losing is really, really negative. And as I sat back and I looked at that, cause I do this quite often and I'm sitting there in the middle of this beautiful sunset with the very, very cold glue grass under my feet. It had just rained yesterday and so the air was still kind of chilled and the wind is the wind is not even blowing that hard. So it's a really kind of nice evening with a light, slight chill in the air. And there's people laughing and playing and the both teams are having fun and I'm in a comfortable position and nobody's hungry and life is happening beautifully. In the middle of it I get to experience turmoil because of a worry about winning and it's not even me that's playing it's my son. [04:26.4]
And I remembered years ago when they were playing soccer, how I would be upset when the Ump would call something against my son's team, that didn't seem fair or someone would play a little bit rougher and not so nice. And I would get all upset because they were like, my team, my son's team was going to lose and then that was somehow gonna affect or reflect upon like him and that's going to reflect up on me and my family name. And nobody thinks this way, I get it. You know, we just get mad and we say, Oh, it's the umpire's fault. And we'll talk about scapegoat society here in, in, in an episode or two. But the main thing that I wanted to note that I noticed was like how much I was taking this personally and how much it was not okay if things were going the way they were going. Now let me ask you this question in your life. Do you get upset if things don't go the way you want them to? Do you get upset if you're not winning? Do you get upset if you're losing? Is it okay to lose? And I don't mean, okay, intellectually. I mean, on the feeling on the inside too many of us intellectually are okay. [05:25.4]
And we say the slogans and intellectually we're on board, but deep inside, we are not honest with ourselves, about what we feel. There are times for instance, where I feel, and it doesn't mean it's true, but I have a feeling arise that feels like I am better than some, some other person and I've had that experience come up before. But when I'm not honest about it and I sit and simply say on the outside, no, it's not that I feel like I'm better than them. You know? And then I justify it with those words. What I'm doing is denying the feeling that came up. It's just a feeling, it doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean anything about me or anyone else. But if I've denied that feeling, then it stays in there hidden unacknowledged. And then it's going to come up later and so the same thing was happening here, where I was looking at this and I was like, not okay. I found myself like clenching my jaw a couple of times and I was like, not okay if my son's team was going to lose, just because he got put in his pitcher or something. And so I was torn between being the dad that wants his son to have an opportunity and wanting the coaches to only play the best players for the team can win. And in that moment, it became very, very clear to me, just how much all of our society is built on winning and losing. [06:39.4]
I want you to think about this. How many things do you win at? When you're a kid, obviously you win candy from someone or you win a game or you win a prize when you go to the carnival or the fair, right? And you win the girl's heart and you win at business. Now there's talking, there's a lot of talk about gamifying the business world and how, if you can turn it into a game, it's a lot more fun. And so you're trying to win at business. You win at life, so to speak, when you are like, when you do everything, suppose that God wants you to do, for instance, in a religious setting. And so then you win something or you earn something in an afterlife kind of thing. There's so many things that are built around winning, not just lottery, not just games of chance, but winning is this thing that everybody wants to do, not just sports, but everywhere in every aspect of life. [07:28.7]
And losing is also something that is huge. So as I was digging in, I was looking at myself and I was asking does winning…. have I ever seen that anywhere in my life I've actually won anything? Well, let's look at this question. What does it mean to win something? It means, it doesn't mean that anything using has changed in your circumstances, think about it. If I shoot a basketball into a hoop and it goes in, did I win something? No, I didn't. A ball went through a hoop, that's it, that's all that happened. But in my mind, I've created a situation that says, if this goes in a hoop, that means this other thing. And if that other thing occurs, then that means I get permission to be happy and I get permission to celebrate. You see where I'm going with this. Winning is something we made up as a, to give ourselves permission, to feel happy and excited about life. That's it, it's literally a game. [08:25.8]
And so winning, with that in mind, I looked back and I said, have I ever really won anything? And I went No! I've seen balls go in hoops. I've seen money come my direction, scholarships; we win scholarships at school, right? It's not, we don't earn scholarships, we win them or are awarded them and we get awards for stuff. And so I saw money come my direction. I saw, you know, celebrations happen, but I never saw anything materially change in my life. I've never actually seen myself win anything. And on the flip side, have I ever lost anything? Now this is a deeper question, but what does it mean to lose something? Okay. Now here's where we run into two different strains of thought. The first strain of thought with regard to losing is that you own something like a possession. And if you no longer have it around, when you're looking for it, then you've lost it. Now, if you're not looking for it, then you don't experience loss. Have you noticed that if you, if you're not interested in it, not looking for it or whatever or anything, you haven't experienced loss. [09:31.2]
So clearly it doesn't matter where the thing is. It's only how you're thinking about it that makes you experience loss. Furthermore, do you actually belong? Does anything actually belong to you only in your idea in your head? All that means is it's near you or it's close to you, or it happens to be in the place that you live in, or it happens to be in the room that you sleep in, or it happens to be in a car that you have a key to; you, you have, you happen to hold beholding a key to it, or keep a key to it and maybe nobody else has that key. But does the car think that it belongs to you? Does the rocks think, do they belong to you or the land that your house is on, is nothing material you die and like nothing happens, right? Does the material, the stuff is still there in the same place that it was before. It turns out that owning something is a made up idea. It's just like winning. That's why we love buying stuff, right? In a way it's kind of like winning because we've made up an idea that says, if this thing is near me and I have the key to it, or no one else has access to it, then somehow I get permission to enjoy that a little bit differently or to celebrate in my life, depends on what it is that you're owning. Obviously food is different than, than other things, right? And so this whole idea of possession doesn't really hold water. [10:46.0]
If you or someone you know is looking to drop the F-bomb of “Freedom” in their life, whether that's from past trauma, depression, anxiety, addiction, or any other host of emotional and personal struggles, but they just don't know how or wants some help doing it. Head on over to thefreedomspecialist.com/feelbetternow and check out some of the things we've got in store for you or book a call so we can look at your unique situation and get you the help that you're looking for. [11:14.0]
You can't own anything I mean, we may believe we do, the United States pretends they own the continent or this portion of the continent. They don't own anything, we happen to be on it and if the continent sneezes, off we go. Have you ever stood on the top of a mountain and looked down at how, just how tiny the homes are? It seems like humans are everywhere and human society is the most important thing on the planet. But when you get a different viewpoint, it's amazing how fragile life is. And it's no wonder like whether or not you believe astronauts went to the moon or not the ones that talk about this viewpoint of seeing things so tiny, it'll really put things into a different kind of perspective for you, right? So we don't own anything, the state of Utah doesn't own the land that it's around. We say, Oh no, this is government property. No, it's not. We're all making believe, we're playing this pantomime in this drama on top of the land. And it works, there's police that enforced the drama and everything else, but that's no different than rules in a game board. And you've got to go to jail card on, on monopoly or something like that, right? [12:14.6]
So it's no different. So if I can't own anything, can I really lose a possession? No, you can only create an idea in your mind that says, I need to have this and if it's not near me, then somehow I'm not okay to be happy. That's it. The other half of losing is with games and things. And again, that's just an idea. There were still hoops that went in a basket, maybe fewer on one side than another side, but there were hoops going in a basket, both sides were gaining and they're not possessing anything that is coming in the future. For instance, if you're winning a prize, the prize, nobody has a prize, right? So they didn't lose anything that didn't belong to them in the first place they gained experience. And even if all of your belongings somehow magically vanished, you're still gaining experience. You're still winning, you're still alive. In fact, the only thing that you really have, the only thing that I really have is life. That's it. [13:10.8]
I don't have relationships in the sense of belonging, them belonging to me. I enjoy them. I don't have belongings in the sense of them, belonging to me. I enjoy them and I try to maintain them and whatnot. But they're near me and if they disappear, it's not like I lost them, except when I say that to myself in my mind. So we've built up this entire culture around winning and losing when both of those are not even real. And I was sitting there last night, watching my son in the baseball game and I was having all of these emotional, like little, tiny, emotional roller coasters like stress and worry, Oh no, I hope he, he, he like pitches this guy out. And then at the same time relief when, when he gets a strike or something like that, and then like thought process is going on in my head saying the co…coaches only supposed to play the good players. And then the other side of my head saying, yeah, but that's not fair either like everybody needs a chance to play and everybody needs a chance to test it, test out their skill and whatnot. And it's only a city league anyway and I guess there's no tournament, so they're not really losing anything. So I guess that makes it okay, that entire dialogue. I know that if you're listening to this, this probably sounds like the stupidest thing a parent could be going through at a child's baseball game. [14:16.9]
And yet, how often is this same thing playing out in the areas of life that matter most to you? If you think about your marriage relationships, if they aren't going the way that you want them to, or the way that you think they should, all of these expectations, it feels like you've lost something. Hasn't it. And in many cases, especially with people who struggle with addiction and depression and anxiety, but this isn't just them. This is like in many, many cases, people feel that if I've lost something, then that means I am a loser. It isn't okay to lose. If I lose there, that means something bad about me. And that means bad things are going to happen. And that makes perfect sense, if you're thinking about survival, like if I don't catch this meal, catch the fish, then I'm probably going to starve, but that's not losing in the sense of a game. Maybe it's losing life and any other circumstance, there's no such thing as losing or winning. [15:11.2]
And yet how often in our relationships are we trying to make people meet our expectations? And when they don't happen, we feel like we've lost something. Or when they do happen, we go and celebrate. Like we won something when the reality is what if we celebrated all the time? What if instead of sitting here believing that I need external circumstances to match my expectations or exceed them in order for me to be happy about something or made me to feel excitement, because at the same time on that baseball pitch, when we were watching my four year old son was oblivious to the game, he didn't know what was going on. There was grass growing and he was in the mood to run. And he would look at me and say, Dad, watch say Green light so I can run. And I'd say Green light, and he would just take off and he would breathe heavy. And he had the biggest smile on his face and he had found all the reasons he wanted in the world to be excited and happy about life, which was, I want to be excited and happy right now, watch this. [16:09.3]
I'm in the mood to run and I'd say yellow light and he would like tip toe walk. And then I'd say blue light and then I'd say purple light and then I'd say red light and he'd ignore it and say, I turned into a red car that gets to go fast on red lights. And he was just making up his own rules in order to be able to have excitement. What if we could be like little kids? What if you needed no other excuse to be excited and to feel like you've won at life than simply to enjoy the fact that you have a life and can do whatever you want with it, no matter what the circumstances are? That you can always have excitement, no matter what's going on around you simply by conjuring it up from the inside. The same thing for sadness and despair. If you really want to feel misery, I mean, how many people go to really sad movies and cry their eye out eyes out and pay for it and love it. How many people want to feel fear? And they go to Tara movies and haunted houses just because they want to feel scared. None of these emotions are negative when we're doing them by our own choice. It's only when they're happening by accident and they're happening by accident when you and I choose to make external reality, the cause of our emotions, instead of us being the cause of it, our choices. [17:19.3]
Well, we choose to have expectations about what's going on and about judgments, about the way the world should work, about the way the politicians should run the country, about the way that the tax laws should work, about the way that the rich people should have their money or the way that the poor people should work harder, or the way that the, the, the border should or should not be open or the way that black people or white people or people of other of other races are treated or all of those things. I'm not saying it's bad to have an opinion. I am saying that your feelings about the world and your internal experience of life is dependent upon whether you believe that opinion should be the only thing that happens in reality. Now, if you want to have a cause like that simply have that be a cause that you're excited to work for and to help people in that arena, but getting mad about something only poisons you, and it makes you less capable of working for that cause. And so here we are in a society of winning and losing where everything feels like all the stakes in every area of life are put in those terms, you either win or you lose. [18:22.1]
And what if you and I could simply step outside of the game for a second and recognize we are not the pieces on the game board, we're the players using the pieces. So even if the piece lose, loses the game because of the roll of the dice, or because of the way the cards were drawn, whatever it is, the person playing the game still won because they got to play the game. They got to have the experience. You and I are the players, not the game pieces. And when we can figure that piece out, then every circumstance in life can be an excuse to have joy and excitement and pleasure and interest and curiosity and fun instead of being controlled by the game piece, because somehow we forgot that we are not the game piece and how many people, how many of you have ever played a game with somebody who's who forgot that they're not the game piece. And we say, Hey dude, it's just a game and yet they're really upset. And they're really mad and nothing has changed in their life. They're not starving, nothing has happened. In fact, they chose to play the game, but because they forgot that they weren't the game piece, their experience of it was miserable and they didn't want to play the game again. [19:25.4]
You're not the game piece, my friend, neither am I. And when we can see that, then we can enjoy both the “Winning and losing,” because all of them are gains for us. Until next time folks, this week, as you're going about your day, anytime you feel like you've lost something or gain something and feel the need to celebrate, I want you to celebrate either way even more because you're the one that created the feeling of celebration. You're the one that created that feeling of loss and that feeling of gain and what you have gained every time is experience. [19:57.1]
And that's it for todays “Alive and Free Podcast.” If you enjoyed this show and want some more freedom bombs landing in your ear buds, subscribe right now at wherever you get your podcasts from. And, while you're at it, give us a rating and a review. It'll help us keep delivering great stuff to you. Plus, it's just nice to be nice. [20:15.8]
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