Welcome to “Beyond Success”, the podcast for high-achievers seeking deeper meaning, fulfillment and purpose. Now, here's your host, world-renowned leadership coach and therapist, David Tian, PhD.
David: Have you ever reached a high point in life, a major win, a big breakthrough, only to feel like the rug has been pulled out from under you? Maybe you start second guessing yourself, procrastinating, picking fights with the people closest to you, or maybe it's just that sinking, uneasy feeling, like you're carrying something you can't quite shake. This is what we're diving into today. It's called the upper-limit problem—and here's the twist. Some of what's holding you back might not even belong to you.
In this episode, we'll uncover how this invisible force operates in your life, and, more importantly, how to break free from it, because when you do, you don't just hit the next level. You expand into a life with no ceilings. Imagine waking up with clarity, purpose and the confidence that your success won't collapse under its own weight. Imagine letting go of that quiet fear that things are too good to be true. [01:07.0]
Removing these invisible limits opens up more than just opportunities. It unlocks a deeper sense of joy, love and fulfillment that lasts. But the flip side is, if you don't address this, it doesn't just go away. That tension, that shrinking back, it compounds. You end up sabotaging relationships, missing out on opportunities, and staying stuck in a loop of frustration. Worst of all, the longer you let it linger, the more convincing those limiting voices become.
Here's the myth we've all been sold, that success is a straight line. Work hard, meet the right people, climb the ladder, and voila, you're there. But if that were true, why do so many of us trip ourselves up just as we're about to hit the next level? There's more to this than effort or connections. Fulfilling your true potential requires confronting the invisible barriers inside you, and sometimes they're ones you didn't even put there yourself. [02:00.3]
In case you don't know who I am, I'm David Tian, and for over the past almost two decades, I've been helping hundreds of thousands of people from over 87 countries find fulfillment, meaning and happiness in their personal and professional lives.
I've got three points for this episode and the first is about the roots of the upper-limit problem. This is where the upper-limit problem starts. It doesn't just appear out of nowhere. For most of us, it's rooted in the messages we absorbed growing up, especially from the people who were supposed to guide and protect us.
Let's say you got good grades or you scored big in sports, or you accomplished something that made you feel proud. Maybe you wanted to celebrate it to share that success with someone who mattered to you, but instead of applause, you get a dismissive, cutting comment, like, “Don't get too full of yourself,” or a shutdown, like, “Who do you think you are?” It's subtle, but powerful. [02:53.1]
What's really being communicated to you? The idea that success makes you a target, that if you shine too brightly, people will resent you, or worse, they'll leave you, and for a kid, the fear of being rejected or exiled can feel almost life threatening. So, you adapt. You learn to dim your light, play small and avoid standing out too much.
Those messages might have worked to keep you safe as a child, but the thing is, they don't go away just because you've gotten older. They stick around. They fester. They grow, shaping how you think about yourself and what you're willing to pursue.
Here's where it gets deeper—those early experiences don't just create beliefs. They also carry emotional energy, like fear, shame and rejection, and this energy doesn't always attach to a specific memory or a specific part of you. Sometimes it just hangs in the air like a heavy cloud, vague but oppressive, and in IFS therapy, Internal Family Systems therapy, this is what we call an unattached burden. [04:00.0]
Unattached burdens are different from the voices in your head. They're not a part of you saying, “Don't screw this up,” or “You're not good enough.” Unattached burdens are more like an invisible ceiling pressing down on you. You don't know where it came from, but it's there keeping you small, and the wildest part is these burdens probably aren't yours. They could be inherited from your family system, generational fears about what it means to be successful or cultural stories about staying in your lane.
For those of us who have parents who are from Asian countries that became communist or close to becoming communist, standing out or being successful, or being in the elite, could bring with it lethal consequences, and when these generational burdens are passed down, mostly unconsciously, it's like carrying a suitcase full of someone else's stuff, except you don't even know you're carrying it. All you know is that it feels heavy, and this is where IFS, Internal Family Systems, gives us a way to break it down. [05:02.6]
IFS therapy is all about understanding the different parts of your internal system, the protectors, exiles, and even these unattached burdens that don't belong to any specific part of you. Protective parts might hold on to the belief that if you succeed too much, you'll be rejected. These parts have a job to keep you safe, even if it means sabotaging your own happiness. Exiles are the parts that carry the deepest wounds, like the pain of feeling dismissed or shamed as a child for being proud of yourself.
But unattached burdens are actually different. They don't have a personal story. They're just energy sitting there, creating this low-level resistance that makes you hesitate or pull back when things start to go well. You might not even realize they're there until you start asking the right questions. [05:54.6]
Here's an example. A client once told me, “Every time I get close to a big opportunity, I just freeze. It's not like I'm hearing a voice in my head. It's more like this weird heaviness, like I can't move forward, like I'm stuck.” That's a great description of an unattached burden. It's not tied to a specific part of you or a memory. It's just there, weighing you down, oppressing you. The good news is that you can release these burdens. Whether they're tied to parts of you or free-floating energy, they don't have to stay, but first, you've got to recognize them.
Now, if you don't address these burdens, whether they're tied to a part of you or unattached, they'll keep running the show in the background. You'll hit success only to pull yourself back. You'll find happiness only to feel guilty about it. You'll tell yourself you're ready to grow, but then something will always hold you back, and the worst part is that it happened so subtly, you probably won't even realize it's happening. You might convince yourself this is just how life is, but it's not. These limits aren't real. At least, they don't have to be yours. They're inherited, absorbed or created, and they can be released. [07:09.8]
So, where do you go from here? It starts again with awareness. Start noticing those moments when you shrink back or hesitate. Ask yourself, “Is there a part of me trying to protect me right now, or am I feeling something bigger, heavier, something that doesn't actually come from me?”
Next, create space for curiosity. If you sense an unattached burden, sit with it. Don't push it away or try to fix it. Just notice it. Sometimes, even acknowledging its presence is enough to begin loosening its grip over you, and this awareness is required to finally free yourself from the invisible limits keeping you from fulfilling your full potential.
Now let's get to the second point and this is about how the upper-limit problem shows up in your adult life, because it's not always obvious. It doesn't walk in the door and just announce itself. It sneaks in through small, seemingly unrelated behaviors that hold you back in ways that you might not even notice at first. [08:10.8]
Okay, so one of the most common ways this shows up is procrastination, like you've got a big opportunity or an exciting project, and suddenly, you're scrolling your phone or reorganizing your sock drawer, or just basically putting it off. It's not laziness. It's fear hidden in plain sight. Or maybe you’ve found yourself in unnecessary conflicts, a heated argument with your partner the night before a major presentation, or a passive-aggressive comment to a friend after they praise your accomplishments. These aren't coincidences. They're your internal system stepping in to create chaos, to pull you back to where it feels safe.
Then there's the energy crash. Everything is going great. You hit a new milestone. People are celebrating you, and out of nowhere, you feel drained, like the air has been sucked out of the room. It doesn't make any sense to you, but there it is. [09:02.7]
Then there's the more subtle stuff, the ways we dim our light. Maybe you stay quiet in a meeting, even though you know you have the best idea in the room, or you downplay your achievements because you don't want to make someone else feel small. On the surface, it might seem noble, but underneath, it's often fear, fear of rejection, fear of being too much, the fear of being alone. Sometimes these patterns come from parts of you that are trying to protect you, like a critic might say, “Don't speak up or they'll think you're arrogant,” or another type of protector might whisper, “Stay small. It's safer that way.”
But not all resistance comes from a part with a clear voice or role, remember. Some of it will feel or might feel heavier, vaguer, like an invisible weight pressing on you and again, this is where unattached burdens come in. Unattached burdens can amplify those feelings of being stuck, anxious or off balance, and what's tricky is they don't give you a clear story to work with. You might say, “I don't know why, but every time I get close to achieving something really big, I feel stuck,” or “I can't explain it, it's just this nagging feeling like I shouldn't be here.” [10:11.6]
These burdens don't belong to any specific part of you. They're like an energetic fog that seeps into your system, creating resistance without a clear source. It might come from your family, generational fears or beliefs that were never yours to carry, or they might come from the culture around you, the messages you absorbed growing up about what's acceptable, what's safe, what's possible, or how you had to be.
IFS therapy gives you a way to work with this. It helps you to look at the resistance and ask, “Where is this coming from? Is this a part of me or like a critical protector trying to keep me safe, or is it an unattached burden, an energy that doesn't even belong to me?” Here’s how you can start. First, get curious about the resistance. The next time you catch yourself procrastinating or shrinking back, or feeling drained, first to pause. Notice where that resistance shows up in your body. Is it in your chest, your stomach, your shoulders, in your head, around your face, or your temples? [11:11.7]
Okay, then ask, “Is there a part of me here?” Parts of yourself will often speak up when you ask or you're searching for them when prompted. You might hear something like, “I don't want you to get hurt,” or “I don't want people to think you're selfish.” This is actually coming from a positive intent, and if you hear that, great, you've now identified a part of you, and now you can do the standard IFS work with it. But if there's no clear voice, if it's just a heavy, stuck feeling, that might be an unattached burden and the key here is not to fight it. Instead, just sit with it, notice it—again, simply acknowledging its presence can often start to shift it.
Unattached burdens often respond to visualizations, so you might imagine the heaviness as a dark cloud that slowly lifts and dissolves or as a weight that you set down and leave behind. It doesn't need to belong to you anymore and there's a whole process that a good, experienced IFS therapist or professional can lead you through to help you let go of the unattached burdens. [12:16.5]
Understanding the difference between your own parts and unattached burdens is really important. If you treat an unattached burden like a part of you, you'll end up spinning your wheels, trying to reason with something that doesn't have positive intention or doesn't have your best at heart. If you ignore the parts, you miss the chance to unburden them and let them step into healthier roles as part of you.
When you can make this distinction, you unlock a lot of clarity. You stop feeling like success is a fluke or that happiness will slip away. You create, instead, space for expansion, for growth, for stepping fully into your potential, without the old fears pulling you back. A truly fulfilling life is not just about success, but also about freedom, freedom to be who you actually are, to shine as brightly as you can, to embrace everything that comes with it. [13:11.1]
Many high-achievers struggle when it comes to managing their emotions or navigating their relationships, and they hit a wall when it comes to emotional mastery. Maybe you've noticed that stress, frustration or anger is seeping into your personal or professional life, or you feel disconnected from those you care about.
That's where David Tian’s “Emotional Mastery” program comes in. It's based on peer-reviewed, evidence-backed therapeutic methods to help you find happiness, love and real fulfillment. Learn how to break free from the emotional roller-coaster and start thriving in every area of your life. You can find out more at DavidTianPhD.com/EmotionalMastery. That's D-A-V-I-D-T-I-A-N-P-H-D [dot] com [slash] emotional mastery.
Now we get to the third and final point, how to heal from the upper-limit problem, how to actually move past these inner limits, because identifying them is only half the work. The real transformation happens when you release the burdens that have been holding you back, whether they belong to specific parts of you or they're unattached, lingering in your system. [14:23.8]
But before I go any further, here's something I want to make crystal clear. This process, especially when it comes to deep, lifelong patterns, is best done with an experienced professional, a therapist or coach, or better yet, a therapeutic coach, someone who knows how to guide you safely. Self-exploration is powerful, but some of these wounds and burdens run really deep and it can be very delicate work, so I highly recommend that everyone get the right kind of support to work through them.
First, let's look at the parts of you carrying the old messages. These are the ones that picked up beliefs like, “If I succeed, people will leave me,” or “If I shine too brightly, I'll be rejected.” They're not bad or wrong. They're just trying to protect you. They're doing the best they can with the tools they've had. [15:13.8]
The IFS process begins with curiosity. When you notice a part of you holding you back, maybe an inner critic or some other kind of protector, pause and turn toward it. Ask, “What are you afraid might happen if I were to succeed?” Often, these parts will respond with fears rooted in the past and show you specific memories. Maybe they're afraid you'll be abandoned or humiliated or judged.
The next step is reassurance and this is where your True Self is required, the True Self in you that is calm and compassionate and wise, and from the state of your True Self, let that part of you know it's safe now. Success doesn't mean rejection anymore, and they don't have to carry that belief around any longer or do this protective role for you anymore. [16:02.5]
Unburdening happens when the parts of you that are carrying these burdens are ready to let go and this could look like imagining the belief as a weight that they set down or bury, or seeing it as a dark energy that leaves the body and dissolves into the light, or any number of ways really, and when this happens, you'll feel a shift. It's subtle, but powerful, like a knot finally loosening after years of tension. Again, once you get to the unburdening process, I highly recommend that everyone work with an experienced professional to do this.
Okay, what about the heavier, vaguer type of burden, the kind that doesn't seem tied to a specific memory or voice in you? These are more likely the unattached burdens and they require a different approach. Start by noticing where the energy shows up in your body. Maybe it's a tightness in your chest or heaviness in your stomach, or weight on your shoulders. Don't try to analyze it. Just locate it first. [16:56.8]
Once you've found it, witness it. It might just show up as a visual image in your mind's eye. Imagine yourself sitting with this energy, almost like you're observing it from a distance. What does it feel like? What does it look like? Sometimes unattached burdens appear as shapes or colors, or as physical sensations you feel.
Now gently invite it to release. One way to do this is through visualization. You can imagine the energy leaving your body and returning into the earth where it can transform into something neutral or even positive, or picture it dissolving into light, like fog burning off under the sun. The key here is not to force it. Just create space for it to go.
Again, having a professional guide you through this can make all the difference. These burdens often have roots that you can't see on your own, and someone skilled with the right amount of experience can help you unearth and release them fully. [17:54.6]
Once you've released these burdens, whether they belong to parts of you or they were unattached, something really amazing can happen. You start to feel lighter, freer. The resistance fades, and in its place, there's a sense of openness. But the thing is, nature abhors a vacuum, so when you clear out those old beliefs and energies, you need to replace them with something new so that that burden doesn't come back in, and this is where you expand your capacity for joy, love or success.
Again, one way to do this is through visualization. You can imagine your future self not just succeeding, but thriving. Picture yourself stepping into rooms with confidence, celebrating your wins, being proud of yourself and unashamedly so, and embracing every opportunity without hesitation. It's not just about imagining it. Then you can move into embodying it. Practice holding joy in your body. Notice how it feels. Let yourself stay there a little longer than you're used to. Over time, you'll train your system to handle more success, more love, more happiness, without having to default to old patterns. [19:01.8]
If you're ready to start this work, here are a few practices you can try now. The first is journaling. Take some time to write out the messages you grew up with around success. What did your parents or caregivers say about ambition or achievement, or standing out? How do those messages show up in your life today? Just free-write. Brainstorm. Just keep the pen moving. Then when you're done, you can read it over, and then you can throw it away. You can shred it up.
A second tool is guided meditation. Find a quiet space and imagine the burdens you're carrying, whether they're tied to parts of you or unattached, and picture them leaving your body in whatever way feels natural. Just let them go. I have a very powerful and life-changing guided-meditative process for letting go in my courses, “Rock Solid Relationships” and in the course Heart. [19:57.4]
The third tool, really simple, is reflection. Spend a few minutes each day noticing when you feel this inner resistance. Ask yourself, “Is this coming from a part of me or is this something else?” The more you practice this, the easier it becomes to distinguish between the two. If you ever feel stuck, consider getting a coach specifically focused on removing these invisible limits. Of course, there's no shame in seeking support. In fact, it's one of the most powerful investments you can give to yourself.
So, where does that leave us? You're no longer stuck with the belief that success has to come with guilt, fear or resistance. You're free to grow, to shine, to embrace the fullness of your potential, because when you stop caring what was never yours to begin with, you're finally free to create a life that's entirely your own.
Let’s pull this together. The upper-limit problem often starts in childhood, planted by the well-meaning but misguided messages we absorb from parents, culture or society. These messages teach us to fear standing out, to downplay our success, or to shrink ourselves to fit someone else's idea of what's appropriate. [21:06.8]
Over time, those beliefs turn into internal parts or unattached burdens, creating resistance that blocks our growth—but the good news is, none of this is permanent. Whether it's a part of you carrying a fear of rejection or it's a heavy, unattached burden weighing you down, both can be released. When you do this work, whether on your own or with professional guidance, you create space for greater joy, success and freedom than you ever thought possible.
To bring this home, let me share a story from one of my clients. I'll call him Jason. Jason was in his late-30s and incredibly accomplished. He'd already built a successful business and had a supportive group of friends, and he was respected in his own community. But no matter what he achieved, he couldn't shake the feeling that he was holding himself back. [21:52.8]
Every time he thought about taking things to the next level, whether that meant growing his business, speaking publicly, or even upgrading his wardrobe, he would freeze and go numb and go blank. Then he'd feel guilty for wanting more, and when he did push through, he'd hear his parents voices in his head. “Who do you think you are? A celebrity? Are you showing off?”
Jason explained that, growing up, his parents believed in the sort of false humility. Their version of humility, though, was really about control. If he dressed too sharply or took extra care of his appearance, they'd scold him. If he celebrated a win too loudly, they'd remind him not to act better than others. Over time, he learned to associate success with danger. Standing out meant rejection.
Through our work together, we uncovered the parts of Jason carrying these fears. One was a protector that stepped in whenever Jason thought about standing out. It believed that if he became too visible, he'd lose the love and approval of the people he cared most about. Another part of him carried shame rooted in the messages from his parents that told him success would make him arrogant or selfish. [23:03.0]
We also found an unattached burden, a heavy lingering sense of dread that Jason couldn't understand. It wasn't tied to any specific memory or part, but it felt like a cloud hanging over him whenever he thought about taking a big leap forward.
We worked together to unburden these parts over the weeks and months, and Jason's protectors learned that it didn't have to keep him small to keep him safe, and the shame that his exiles carried was released when his Higher Self reassured that little boy inside him that it was okay to shine. It was safe. The unattached burden, through guided visualization, Jason led it to leave his body and dissolve into the light, returning to the
Earth where it no longer had power over him.
The result is that, today, Jason feels lighter, more confident and embracing his success more fully. He has made bold moves in his business. He has taken the stage at many events as a keynote speaker and he has revamped his fashion in a way that reflects who he truly is. [24:04.7]
The best part is he reports that he no longer hears those old voices telling him to stay small, and of course, he reports that his business has grown more than 50 percent since we began working together. This is what's possible when you address the upper-limit problem head on. You stop shrinking. You stop holding back and you finally step into the life you are meant to live, into fulfilling your true potential.
So, what’s holding you back? What messages, voices or invisible weights are keeping you from stepping fully into your potential? The time to release them is now, because your future, the one where you're free, thriving and fulfilling your true potential is waiting.
Thank you so much for listening. If this has helped you in any way, please share it with anyone else that you think could benefit from it. If you liked it, hit a like or give it a good rating on whatever platform you're listening to this on. If you have any comments whatsoever, I'd love to get your feedback. Leave a comment or send me a message.
I look forward to welcoming you to the next episode. Until then, David Tian, signing out. [25:02.7]
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