Welcome to “Beyond Success”, the podcast for high-achievers seeking deeper meaning, fulfillment and purpose. Now, here's your host, world-renowned leadership coach and therapist, David Tian, PhD.
David: If you've ever asked yourself, “Can I trust my judgment again?” or “How can I trust others after what I've been through?” then this episode is for you. By the end of this episode, you'll have clear answers to those questions. You'll know how to rebuild trust in yourself, how to open yourself up to others with courage and move forward with confidence.
Trust isn't just something you stumble upon after a certain amount of time has passed. It's something you can actively rebuild, step by step, starting today. If you don't figure out how to rebuild trust, you'll stay stuck—stuck in fear of making the same mistakes, stuck in anxiety about whether someone will backstab you, stuck in the loneliness that comes from keeping your walls too high to let anyone in. [01:00.6]
I've seen people waste years, in some cases, decades, in this stuck space. They tell themselves they're just being cautious, that they're protecting themselves, but really, they're trapped in a cycle of second-guessing and isolation. Many people have bought into this harmful myth that time alone will somehow fix everything. They think if they just wait it out, the fear, the pain and the mistrust, will magically fade. But the truth is, time doesn't heal emotional wounds. Active work does. Time alone doesn't lead to growth or maturity. It just creates distance between you and the event that hurts you, and if you don't do the work, that pain stays right there, waiting for the next moment it can resurface when you get triggered again.
Trust, whether it's in yourself or in others, isn't something you just wait around for. It's something that you have to build, and it starts with clarity—clarity about what caused the breakdown in trust in the first place, clarity about the patterns or beliefs that might still be holding you back, and clarity about what you need to move forward in a way that feels grounded and secure. [02:07.3]
By the way, in case you don't know who I am, I'm David Tian, and for almost the past two decades, I've been helping hundreds of thousands of people from over 87 countries find fulfillment, meaning and happiness in their personal and professional lives. In this episode, I've got five points, and the first point starts where rebuilding trust always begins with yourself.
Before you can trust anyone else, you have to believe in your own ability to navigate relationships, and if you're fresh out of a breakup or divorce, that can feel like the hardest thing in the world. After all, you might be questioning everything right now, your choices, your instincts, even your ability to tell when someone's good for you. That's totally normal, but it's also the first thing that we need to address, because the truth is self-doubt after a breakup becomes like quicksand. The more you let it pull you under, the harder it gets to move forward. [02:57.4]
That's why the first step in rebuilding trust in yourself is clarity, and I don't mean vague self-reflection. I mean getting crystal clear on what went wrong in the previous relationship, what role you played in it and what you could have done differently. This isn't about beating yourself up. It's about learning from the experience so you can grow and make better choices moving forward.
Here, already in the first step, is where most people get stuck. They try to do this analysis alone, this post-relationship analysis, and while self-reflection is important, there's a reason professional guidance is so valuable here. Therapists and therapeutic coaches are trained and the good ones are experienced in helping you see the patterns and beliefs that are sabotaging you, patterns that you might not even realize are there. [03:50.2]
Maybe you've been choosing partners who reinforce an old narrative from your childhood. Maybe you have a habit of avoiding conflict, which then leads to resentment. Or maybe you're drawn to people who seem exciting but aren't emotionally available—and all of those examples are just scratching the surface of the underlying patterns that will definitely be there. Whatever the case is, an outside perspective can help you connect the dots in a way that's almost impossible to see on your own, because they're like blind spots for yourself.
Once you've done the post relationship analysis, the next step is getting clear on what you really want in a partner in a relationship now. For a lot of people, this is actually much harder than it sounds. We're so used to chasing society's expectations, like someone who looks a certain way or has a certain job or status or fits into a specific mold, and we forget to ask ourselves what actually really matters to us. What are your values? What kind of connection do you want to build in a lifelong partnership? What kind of person aligns with the life that you want to live? [05:00.7]
This clarity isn't just about avoiding bad relationships. It's about having a clear set of guiding principles that help you decide who to invest your time and energy into. When you know your values and your non-negotiables, it's a lot easier to spot red flags for yourself early, and to be able to walk away from potential relationships that don't serve you and to not waste time. One of the best benefits is the more you act in alignment with your values, the more you trust yourself. Every decision becomes a reinforcement of your own integrity, which rebuilds your own self-confidence one step at a time.
Now let's focus on intuition. After a breakup, many people stop trusting their gut instincts. Maybe you ignored warning signs in the relationship or maybe you misjudged that person's intentions. Whatever the case, it's easy to fall into a pattern of continually second-guessing yourself, but the thing is, your intuition isn't broken. It's just been clouded by the pain and confusion of the breakup. [06:02.7]
Rebuilding your intuition starts with awareness. Pay attention to how people make you feel, both emotionally and physically. Does someone's energy leave you feeling uplifted or drained? Do their words and actions align? The more you tune into these signals, the more you'll start to notice patterns and how you respond naturally to people, and over time, those patterns will help you trust your own instincts and intuitions again.
One of the best ways to strengthen your intuition is to take small risks. Start by making low-stakes decisions based on your gut feeling—really simple cases like choosing a book to read or deciding who to sit next to at an event, or saying yes to a coffee date. Every time you trust your judgment and it works out, you build confidence in your ability to navigate bigger decisions down the road. [06:54.6]
Finally, don't underestimate the power of self-awareness in this whole process. The more you understand yourself, your triggers, your values, your patterns, the easier it becomes to trust yourself, your own judgment. When you know what drives you and what lights you up, and what holds you back, you can make decisions from a place of clarity instead of uncertainty or fear.
Now that we've looked at rebuilding trust in yourself, let's explore the second point, how trust and vulnerability work together, because the truth is, you can't have one without the other. If you want to rebuild trust, whether it's with a new partner, a friend or even a colleague, you have to be willing to show up with some degree of vulnerability. Here's why: trust isn't built on perfection. It's built on authenticity.
People don't trust you because you're flawless. They trust you because you're real. You can't trust flawlessness. We all suspect that there's something else that they're hiding. We're not seeing the full picture. When you're vulnerable, though, you let others see you as you truly are. That honesty creates immediate connection, and connection is the foundation of trust. [08:02.7]
But the catch is, if you're still questioning your own judgment or you're carrying fear from your past experiences, it's almost impossible to be vulnerable. You'll hold back. You'll instinctively protect yourself and stay closed off, because deep down, you don't feel safe, and you don't know how to feel safe other than just closing up, and this is why trust starts with trusting yourself.
When you trust yourself, you're not relying on external factors to feel secure. You don't need someone else to guarantee that they'll never hurt you. Instead, you trust in your own ability to handle whatever comes your way. You trust your judgment to spot red flags. You trust your resourcefulness to navigate challenges, and maybe most importantly, you trust your own antifragility, your ability to not just bounce back but grow stronger from setbacks. [08:53.0]
Trusting your judgment means being clear on your values and boundaries. When you know what matters most to you, you can assess whether someone's actions align with your principles. Trusting your resourcefulness means knowing you have the tools and resilience to solve problems as they arise, and the creativity and ingenuity, and the stick-with-itness. When you can trust yourself in this way, vulnerability stops feeling risky, and instead, it becomes a strength. You can open up to others without the fear of losing yourself, because you know that no matter what happens, you've got your own back.
This is where emotional intelligence comes into play. Emotional Intelligence isn't just about understanding your own emotions. It's about understanding the emotions of others as well and how they interact with yours. It's the ability to read subtle cues, navigate interpersonal conflicts, and respond in a way that strengthens relationships instead of eroding them. [09:50.2]
The key is emotional intelligence allows you to build trust without naiveté. Building trust without being naive means you're not blindly handing over your heart to the first person that shows interest. It means you're observing, listening and paying close attention to whether that person's words align with their actions. It means you're clear on your own boundaries and you're respecting them, and it means that you're observing the other person closely to see whether the way that they are showing up in the world aligns with your own values and principles.
One of the best ways to start building trust in a new relationship or repairing trust in an existing one is through clear, honest communication, transparent communication. Vulnerability isn't just about sharing your feelings. It's about expressing your needs, fears, your boundaries, in a way that invites connection.
For example, if you're feeling unsure about someone else's intentions, it's better to address that openly than to let it fester in your own mind. You could say something like, “I've been feeling a little uncertain about where we stand. Can we talk about this?” That kind of honesty creates space for understanding, and understanding is what trust can grow from. [11:05.2]
At the same time, emotional intelligence helps you recognize when someone else is being vulnerable with you. Maybe they're sharing something that they've never told anyone else before. Maybe they're asking for help in an area where they usually pride themselves on independence. When you respond to their vulnerability with empathy and respect, you reinforce the trust that they're extending to you and it becomes a two-way street.
But here's an important distinction: vulnerability doesn't mean over sharing or dropping all your walls at once, or vomiting your emotions and needs onto the other person or requiring the other person to meet your needs. In another podcast, I've made an episode on how vulnerability is often weaponized to manipulate others to try to get them or someone else to meet your own needs. [11:56.0]
In many other episodes, I've explained why a successful relationship requires being able to meet your own emotional and psychological needs yourself. Then in a successful relationship, the partner is a secondary caretaker of your own needs, but you've got to grow to the point where you can become or where you are the primary caretaker of your own emotional needs and psychological needs.
Okay, to recap the second point, trust and vulnerability are two sides of the same coin. You can't build trust without taking the risk of vulnerability, and you can't truly be vulnerable without trusting yourself first. When you develop that foundation of self-trust and combine it with emotional intelligence, you create relationships that are grounded, balanced and authentic. [12:40.0]
Hey, if you're an achiever who's been struggling when it comes to managing your emotions or navigating your relationships, I get it. So many high-performers hit a wall when it comes to emotional mastery. Maybe you've noticed that stress, frustration or anger is seeping into your personal or professional life, or you feel disconnected from those you care about.
That's where my “Emotional Mastery” program comes in. It's based on peer-reviewed, evidence-based therapeutic methods to help you find happiness, love and real fulfillment. Learn how to break free from the emotional roller-coaster and start thriving in every area of your life. You can find out more at DavidTianPhD.com/EmotionalMastery. That's D-A-V-I-D-T-I-A-N-P-H-D [dot] com [slash] emotional mastery.
The third main point is something most people avoid, but can't move forward without: forgiveness and letting go. This isn't easy to talk about, especially when you're still carrying the weight of a breakup or a divorce. Maybe you feel betrayed, wronged or even humiliated. Those emotions are valid, but holding on to them can quietly sabotage your future. [13:57.0]
Bitterness and resentment might feel like armor protecting you from pain, but they're actually walls that block love, connection and peace. Forgiveness isn't about saying what happened was okay. It's not about excusing bad behavior or pretending the pain doesn't exist. Forgiveness is about choosing to release the grip that resentment has on you. When you hold onto bitterness, it's like carrying a heavy bag of rocks everywhere you go. It drains your energy. It clouds your vision. It makes it impossible for you to move and live freely. Forgiveness is how you put that bag down, not for the other person's benefit, but for yours. [14:39.0]
Thich Nhat Hanh, the late Vietnamese Zen master, said that forgiveness starts with understanding. He wrote, “When you understand, you cannot help but love.” Now, let's unpack that. I have to explain this. Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to rekindle love for the person who hurt you, but it does mean seeking to understand, and this is that clarity that I was referring to earlier, to understand where that person's actions came from, to understand what their own struggles might have been that led them to those actions, understand how their pain might have influenced their behavior. This understanding, this analysis of that other person, doesn't excuse what they did, but it will humanize them, and when you see someone's humanity, it's a lot easier to stop clinging to resentment. [15:26.4]
Here's another way to frame it. Nelson Mandela once said resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies. When you hold on to anger or bitterness, you're not punishing the other person. You're punishing yourself. Mandela understood this better than pretty much anyone. After 27 years in prison, he could have emerged consumed by hatred for the people who put him there. Instead, he forgave them, not because they deserved it, but because he refused to let them control his mind and his heart. He recognized that forgiveness wasn't a gift to his oppressors. It was freedom for himself. [16:03.4]
So, how do you start forgiving when the pain feels so fresh or so deep? It begins with a choice. Forgiveness isn't a feeling that magically arrives one day. It's a decision that you have to make to stop letting the past dictate your present. That decision doesn't erase the pain overnight, but it opens the door for healing.
In my courses called Heart and Rock Solid Relationships, I have two meditations that are meditative processes that are between 20 to 30 minutes in length that help you to go through that, that guide you through that process of letting go of the bitterness and resentment in your mind that you're unconsciously carrying around. It's a really powerful and enjoyable and beautiful [course]. I think, if you go through it, you'll experience the beauty of it. Of course, I am biased because I made those, but I highly recommend them as the most powerful way that you can on your own go through this process of moving into forgiveness and letting go of the burdens of resentment and the burdens that you've been carrying from that previous event or experience, or relationship or situation. [17:12.1]
I also highly recommend a meditation practice, a daily meditation practice in general. Both mindfulness and mantra are very helpful. I recommend that you eventually learn to do both of those. Meditation, when done properly and daily for a period of time, will help to train you to sit with the feelings that come up, feelings of anger or hurt, and being able to make space for them and endure them without trying to push them away or fix them. You'll be able to notice how they feel in your body. Often, when you give those emotions space to be felt, they begin to lose their intensity and they shift.
In my program, Emotional Mastery, which is currently on the 2.0 iteration, I release new meditations every week in that program that will help you to do all of this. [17:58.5]
Here's something else to consider. Forgiveness isn't just about the other person. It's also about forgiving yourself. Maybe you're carrying guilt for mistakes that you made in the relationship. Maybe you're replaying moments where you think, I should have seen that coming, or, I should have done more, and beating yourself up like this won't change the past.
So, forgiveness is how you let go of self-blame and embrace the lessons instead. When you forgive, you create space, space for new possibilities to emerge, new experiences, new connections. That emotional clutter that you've been holding on to blocks your ability to fully show up in the present moments. But when you release that burden, something shifts. You start to feel lighter. Your heart opens. You become capable of connecting in ways that you couldn't before.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that you forget. It doesn't mean that you let toxic people back into your life. Boundaries are, of course, always and still important, but forgiveness does mean that you stop letting the past control your future. It means you choose freedom over bitterness. [19:04.8]
As Thich Nhat Hanh has said, forgiveness will not be possible until compassion is born in your heart. Compassion doesn't have to be for the person who hurt you. It could be for yourself. Forgive because you deserve to live without the weight of anger. Forgive because your future relationships deserve a version of you that's whole and open, and not stuck in the wounds of the past.
The next point is about something that can feel both exciting and terrifying after heartbreak: opening yourself up to new relationships. If you've been through a painful breakup or divorce, the idea of letting someone else get close to you again can feel really risky. There's that nagging fear in the back of your mind. “What if I get hurt again? What if I open up and they let me down again?” That fear, of course, is totally natural. It's your brain's way of trying to protect you from more pain. But the problem is, if you let that fear take over, it doesn't protect you. It isolates you. It keeps you from the connection, intimacy and joy that we as human beings require and that relationships can bring. [20:07.8]
So, how do you move past that fear? It starts with reframing how you view vulnerability. Again, vulnerability isn't about opening yourself to just anyone. It's about showing up authentically while also using discernment and not naiveté. Discernment means you don't rush to open every door. You take your time. You get to know people over time, observing their actions and patterns, instead of jumping to conclusions based on surface level chemistry. Discernment also means being clear about your values and your boundaries, what you will and won't accept in a relationship, and if the boundaries are crossed, what you will do and then actually following through.
But discernment doesn't mean shutting yourself off from connection. That's where vulnerability comes in. Vulnerability is the courage to share your authentic self with someone else, even if there's a chance they won't reciprocate, and the key here is that it requires courage. But courage doesn't mean that you're not afraid. It means you move forward despite the fear, because you know the reward is worth it. [21:11.0]
Let me illustrate all of this with one of my clients. We'll call him James. James, when he came to me, was a Senior VP at a multinational company, and he had a messy divorce and he felt completely broken. He didn't trust his own judgment. He was terrified of letting someone else in again personally, and he was afraid of facing rejection and betrayal. He told me, “I don't think I can go through all that kind of pain again.”
When James and I started working together, we focused on building his self-confidence. He identified his core values, what really mattered to him in life and in relationships, and what he really wanted in a relationship. He set clear boundaries around those values, which helped him feel more grounded and less anxious about dating. Then, over time, he started putting himself out there and at first he held back, afraid to be vulnerable, but over time, he began to share pieces of himself, not all at once, but in a way that felt safe and authentic. [22:06.8]
The more he leaned into what he felt as vulnerability, the more he realized something really powerful, that vulnerability wasn't as risky as he'd imagined, because he had become stronger and more courageous, and it actually strengthened his connections. With his newfound discernment, he could spot red flags early on and this allowed him to walk away from people who didn't align with his values. Instead of feeling like he had failed because of that, he felt like he was moving forward, because this was saving him time and he had made progress in filtering out one more person.
Eventually, James met someone who turned out to be really special to him, and he tells me that they don't just connect, but that he feels like he's in a partnership and that there's trust and respect, and they share a vision for their lives together. Today, he'll tell you that learning to balance vulnerability with discernment transformed not only his relationships, but also how he leads his teams at work—which brings us to the final point, imagining your next chapter with optimism. [23:08.4]
When you're still recovering from a breakup, it can be hard to picture a brighter future, but this step is essential. Your mind needs a vision to work toward. Without it, you're more likely to repeat old patterns or settle for relationships that don't truly fulfill you. Take some time to envision the kind of relationship that you want moving forward. What does it look like? How does it feel? What kind of person do you want to share your life with?
In my courses, Drive, Purpose, Invincible, Rock Solid Relationships, and Freedom U, I have meditative processes that will help you to access from your unconscious the vision that would excite you and inspire you to move forward. If you want to make use of those, those are an amazing way of doing this sort of vision exercise. [23:54.0]
As you create this vision, get specific about your values and your non-negotiables. Honesty, growth, and emotional connection, maybe those are at the top of your list. Maybe you need a partner who values independence as much as you do. Whatever it is, write it down. Writing it down helps you to see it more clearly and having clarity around your values doesn't just help you attract the right people, it helps you show up as the kind of person who aligns with those values.
Here's something that most people don't realize. Opening yourself to love again doesn't just enhance your relationships; it impacts every area of your life. When you allow yourself to connect deeply with someone, it unlocks parts of you that might have been dormant, and you start showing up differently at work, in your creative pursuits and in your leadership.
James told me that after he met his current partner, he became a lot more empathetic as a leader at work. He found himself listening more, connecting with his team on a deeper level, and approaching challenges with a greater sense of collaboration—and that's the power of openness and connection. It uplifts everyone. [24:59.7]
The truth is, opening yourself to a new relationship will require work, and it's, of course, not always easy, but when you balance vulnerability with discernment, and when you build relationships on a foundation of shared values and principles, then the rewards go far beyond the relationship itself. You grow as a person. You live more fully and you create a life that reflects the best of who you are.
All right, let's recap the five main points we covered today.
First, we talked about rebuilding trust in yourself. This means recognizing and overcoming self-doubt, gaining clarity about what went wrong in your past relationship, understanding your values and guiding principles. Without this foundation, it's nearly impossible to trust others or to move forward in a meaningful way.
Next, we explored trust and vulnerability. True trust isn't about being naive. It's about balancing openness with discernment. When you trust your judgment and develop emotional intelligence, you can be vulnerable without losing yourself. [25:58.2]
Then we tackled forgiveness and letting go. Resentment isn't protecting you. It's blocking you. Forgiveness isn't about excusing bad behavior. It's about freeing yourself from the emotional chains of the past. As Mandela said, resentment is like drinking poison and expecting it to harm someone else.
Fourth, we focused on opening yourself to new relationships. By overcoming the fear of being hurt again, balancing vulnerability with discernment and setting clear boundaries, you create space for authentic connection. It's not about rushing into something new, but about stepping forward with courage and clarity.
Finally, we went into how to imagine your next chapter with optimism. When you can define your values, your vision and your non-negotiables, you don't just attract the right kind of relationship. You become the kind of person who can thrive in one.
Now, if you ignore this work, the consequences aren't just bad; they're life altering. You'll carry unprocessed pain into every future relationship, repeating the same patterns that led to your heartbreak in the first place. Resentment and fear will keep you isolated, disconnected and unfulfilled, and over time, the walls you've built to protect yourself will only create more loneliness. [27:10.1]
But if you take this to heart, everything we've covered here in this episode and in this podcast, then the possibilities are endless. You'll rebuild trust in yourself, allowing you to connect with others authentically. You'll attract relationships that align with your values, and beyond that, this growth will ripple into every area of your life, your leadership, your creativity, your overall fulfillment. The next chapter of your life can be one of purpose, connection and joy, but it starts with a decision to do the inner work, to face the fear with courage, and to open yourself to what's truly possible.
Thank you again so much for listening. If this has helped you in any way, please share it with anyone else that you think could benefit from it. If you like this, give it a good rating on whatever platform you're listening to this on, and if you have any feedback whatsoever, I'd love to get it. You can leave a comment or send me a message.
As of the recording of this, we're moving right into Christmas, so Happy Holidays to all of you who are listening to this when it comes out, and I look forward to welcoming you in the new year in the next episode. Until then, David Tian, signing out. Happy New Year. Happy holidays. [28:13.1]
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