Welcome to “Beyond Success”, the podcast for high-achievers seeking deeper meaning, fulfillment and purpose. Now, here's your host, world-renowned leadership coach and therapist, David Tian, PhD.
David: In this episode, we're diving into a topic that can make or break your life, but so few people recognize it. I'm talking about the responsibility to choose. By the end of this episode, you'll understand how to finally take control of those decisions that you've been avoiding, decisions that have been quietly eating away at your confidence, your relationships, and maybe even your sense of purpose—because here's the truth that most people miss: not choosing is a choice in itself. It's just the most dangerous kind. It's the decision to let someone or something else decide for you. [00:48.7]
It's how great leaders find themselves trapped in mediocre relationships. It's how smart, ambitious people wake up one day and wonder how their lives became so small, so disconnected, so stuck, and the stakes couldn't be higher. Avoiding choices in your relationships is a surefire way to build resentment, create distance and lose the chance for real connection. Hesitating at work chips away at your clarity, your leadership and your edge. The freedom to choose is where transformation can begin, and in this episode, we're going to break down how to make that happen.
In case you don't know who I am, I'm David Tian. For almost the past 20 years, I've been helping high-achievers from over 87 countries find fulfillment, meaning and happiness in their professional and personal lives. In this episode, I've got three main points that we're covering today, and the first one is the hidden cost of not choosing, and this is not what most people expect.
We all know that feeling of relief when we avoid making a decision. You're sitting at the edge of a tough call, whether it's about your career, a relationship, or something deeply personal, and instead of acting you decide to just let it sit. Feels good in the moment, right? Like a weight off your shoulders. But the catch is that that relief is temporary, like a sugar rush before the crash. [02:03.8]
It feels easier to stay in your comfort zone, of course, but that zone quickly becomes a prison. Avoidance might save you from short-term stress, but it comes at the expense of long term clarity, progress and your peace of mind. Greg McKeown, in his really great book Essentialism, says that choice is an invisible power. It's your most valuable tool for shaping the life that you want, but when you refuse to choose, you give that power away. Suddenly, it's not you steering the ship anymore. It's other people, external circumstances, or whatever momentum happens to carry you. Then that's where the anxiety creeps in.
Avoiding decisions doesn't mean you're free from the consequences. It just means you're stuck waiting for someone else to decide for you, and the longer you wait, the harder it becomes to feel like you're in control, and the anxiety builds and builds, regret starts to creep in. You start questioning yourself, “Why didn't I act sooner? Why didn't I take control when I had the chance?” [03:09.7]
Let's not overlook how this plays out in your relationships. Indecision in dating or a relationship is a slow poison. You don't define what you want. You don't commit or maybe you're avoiding a tough conversation that needs to happen. That avoidance creates stagnation. It's like being stuck in neutral. There's no growth, no depth, no forward movement, and when that happens, trust erodes, intimacy fades. The other person senses your hesitation, even if you never say it out loud, and whether they pull away or start pushing for answers, it creates a gap between you, a gap that's hard to bridge the longer it exists. [03:51.5]
Let's take this even further. As a leader, whether you're running a company, a team, or even your family or household, your indecision doesn't just affect you. It creates a ripple effect. People look to you for clarity, for vision, for decisive action. When you avoid choosing, you send an unspoken message that “I'm not ready to take ownership or leadership,” and that affects how people see you, how much they trust you, and ultimately, how effective you are in that role.
Maybe you're stuck in a relationship that's not fulfilling, but you're scared to leave, or maybe you're afraid to fully commit to someone because it feels risky. That hesitation doesn't stay isolated. It spills into your work, your friendships and your mental health. The brutal truth is not choosing itself is a choice. It's just a passive one, and passive choices come with massive costs, costs that you might not feel today, but that will show up down the road when you least expect it. [04:49.5]
So, what's the alternative? It's not about always making the right decision, because, let's face it, that's pretty much impossible. Instead, it's about having the courage to make any decision to take ownership of your life into relationships, to be decisive. The act of choosing, even imperfectly, keeps you moving forward. It keeps you learning. It keeps you failing forward. It keeps you alive.
Now, I know what some of you might be thinking, What if I choose wrong? We'll get to that later, but here's a spoiler: making an imperfect choice is almost always better than not making a choice at all. When you make a decision, even if it's imperfect, you're taking control. Even if the decision is to wait, you're deciding. You're taking control. You're owning it. You're reclaiming your agency. You're saying, “This is my life, and I'm not handing the reins to anyone else.”
When you start making choices like that, whether it's in your dating life, your marriage or your business, you'll notice something really amazing. That anxiety starts to fade. That dissatisfaction starts to shift, because now, instead of being stuck in uncertainty, you're actively shaping your future. [06:00.0]
So, that's the first point, the hidden cost of not choosing. Avoidance might feel comfortable now, but it erodes your agency, your relationships and your ability to lead.
All right, let's dive into the second point, radical responsibility. This might be the hardest one to hear, but it's also the most empowering. Taking radical responsibility means owning your life, not just the parts that are easy to claim credit for, like your wins or your successes, or the times you crushed it, but also the times that you didn't, the decisions you avoided, the mistakes you made, and maybe most importantly, the ripple effects of those inactions.
Most people avoid this level of ownership. Why? Because it's uncomfortable. It's far easier to point to external circumstances, like your workload or the timing, or other people, and say, “That's why things didn't work out. It's not me.” But here's the uncomfortable truth: avoiding responsibility doesn't make those problems disappear. It just hands your power to someone else. [06:59.8]
Let me tell you where this hits hardest. Your relationships, whether it's dating, marriage or something in between, the biggest problems usually come down to one thing: people not taking ownership of their own role in what's happening.
Let's say you're avoiding commitment because you're scared of making the wrong choice, or maybe you're already in a relationship, but you've been dodging the tough conversations about boundaries, about expectations, about your needs, about the stuff that really matters in a relationship. You convince yourself that staying quiet or staying passive is better than rocking the boat. But the problem with that is that that avoidance is not neutral. It creates distance. It breeds resentment.
When you fail to step up and take responsibility for your own part, your own choices, your own silence, your own hesitation, you're leaving the other person to carry the weight of your indecision, and that weight eventually crushes the trust that's there. [07:55.4]
Now, this isn't about beating yourself up. It's not about looking back and saying, “I screwed up” or “I should have done better.” That's just another way of avoiding responsibility, by focusing on the past instead of what you can do now. Taking radical responsibility means saying, “This is my own life. These are my own choices, and I'm owning all of it, the good, the bad and the messy.”
Let me share an example. A client of mine, let's call him James, came to me after his marriage had fallen apart. He'd been blaming his ex-wife for years, saying she was the one who refused to work on things. But as we dug deeper, James started to see something really uncomfortable for him. He'd been avoiding tough conversations for years.
He didn't want to talk about his feelings. He didn't want to admit when he was unhappy and he definitely didn't want to hear what she had to say when she was upset. Instead, he just stayed quiet. He kept his head down, grumbling about it, of course, but silent. He thought he was keeping the peace, but what he was really doing was avoiding responsibility. [08:57.3]
When James finally started taking ownership of his actions and his inactions, something really shifted. He couldn't go back and fix his marriage, but he started showing up differently in his life. He rebuilt his relationship with his kids. He started dating again, this time with clarity about what he really wanted and the courage to put it out there, to express it. That's the power that comes from taking radical responsibility for your own life. It's not about being perfect or never messing up. It's showing up fully, honestly, and without making excuses.
Now let's talk about how this applies to leadership. When you're in a position of power, whether it's at work or in your personal life, people look to you for clarity, for direction, for confidence, but the thing is, if you're not owning your own choices, no one else will either. If you're dodging responsibility, your team, your family, your partner, they'll feel it, and they'll start to lose trust, not just in you, but in the vision that you're trying to lead them toward, so they won't be driven to pick up the slack. [10:00.0]
Radical responsibility means saying, “This is my own decision. I own it, and I'll own whatever happens because of it.” It doesn't mean you have to know everything or never make mistakes. It just means you're willing to take the lead even when it's hard, and that kind of ownership is magnetic to other people. It builds trust. It strengthens relationships. People don't expect perfection. What they want is integrity. They want you to show up and take responsibility for what you can control, even when things don't go as planned.
So, how do you start? First, stop blaming others. Stop pointing fingers at your circumstances, at the people around you, at the past. None of that is useful now. Second, take a hard look at the areas where you've been avoiding responsibility. Where have you been passive? Where have you been waiting for someone else to make the call or for the circumstances to force you into one or the other decision? [10:56.7]
Third, take one step toward ownership today. Have the conversation you've been avoiding. Make the decision that you've been putting off, even if it gets messy, even if it's imperfect, because the truth is radical responsibility isn't about control. It's about freedom, the freedom to live your life fully on your own terms without waiting for anyone else to decide for you. When you start taking ownership like that. You don't just transform your relationships, you transform yourself and your life. [11:26.4]
Hey, if you're an achiever who's been struggling when it comes to managing your emotions or navigating your relationships, I get it. So many high-performers hit a wall when it comes to emotional mastery. Maybe you've noticed that stress, frustration or anger is seeping into your personal or professional life, or you feel disconnected from those you care about.
That's where my “Emotional Mastery” program comes in. It's based on peer-reviewed, evidence-based therapeutic methods to help you find happiness, love and real fulfillment. Learn how to break free from the emotional roller-coaster and start thriving in every area of your life. You can find out more at DavidTianPhD.com/EmotionalMastery. That's D-A-V-I-D-T-I-A-N-P-H-D [dot] com [slash] emotional mastery.
All right, let's get into the third and final point, the unconscious resistance to choosing. This is where it gets really deep, which I love, because while on the surface it might seem like we avoid choices out of laziness or indecision, there's actually a much bigger story playing out underneath psychologically.
Here's the reality. Every choice we make carries weight. With the freedom to choose comes responsibility, not just for the outcome, but for the fact that we had the power all along. That realization can be terrifying. Irvin Yalom, one of the greatest figures in psychotherapy, especially in what he calls existential therapy, calls this the existential anxiety of freedom. [13:03.1]
On the surface, freedom sounds amazing. Who wouldn't want to be free to choose their own path? But when you dig deeper, freedom comes with a price—responsibility. If you choose, you're accountable for what happens. If things go wrong, there's no one else to blame. For many people, this responsibility feels too heavy to carry, so instead of embracing freedom, they push it away. They convince themselves that circumstances, other people, or the universe, are calling the shots. “It's not my fault,” they tell themselves. “I didn't have a choice.”
This mindset creates a comforting illusion that we're not really in control, so we're not really responsible. But here's the truth: the more you resist your freedom, the smaller your life becomes—and let's talk again about where this shows up most powerfully, in your relationships, your intimate relationships, or your close relationships. [13:59.3]
Have you ever avoided a decision in your relationship because it felt too risky? Maybe you stayed in a relationship long after you knew it wasn't working, or maybe you avoided fully committing to someone you cared about because you were scared of what might happen if it didn't work out.
Underneath those fears is what Yalom calls death anxiety. This doesn't mean that you're consciously thinking about death every day, but that it's there in the background, shaping how you live and determining your life because of that fear of death.
When you make a big choice, especially in an intimate relationship, you're facing the possibility of loss, the death of the relationship, if it doesn't work out, the death of an idealized version of your future, even the death of who you thought you were before you made that choice, and for some that's way too much. They'd rather stay stuck in indecision where things feel safe than risk facing the pain of that loss. [14:57.1]
But the irony is avoiding choices doesn't protect you from loss. Loss is inevitable. Whether you choose to act or stay passive, things will change. Relationships will shift. Opportunities will pass you. Life will keep moving. The only way to overcome this fear is to confront it head on, and this is where therapeutic coaching can make a huge difference.
One of the most powerful tools that I use with clients is internal family systems, therapy or IFS therapy. It's the best overall evidence-based therapeutic method that I've come across, and I am now a Level03-certified practitioner in it. If you're not familiar with it, it probably means you haven't been listening to a bunch of my episodes, because I often mention IFS therapy.
IFS therapy helps you explore the different parts of yourself, the conflicting thoughts, the conflicting emotions or beliefs that shape how you act. For example, you might have one part of you that's desperate to commit to your partner, but another part of you that's terrified of getting hurt, and maybe a third part of you is screaming, “Don't make the same mistake again.” Through IFS, you can start to understand these parts of yourself, where they come from, what they're trying to protect you from. [16:07.2]
Often the fear of choosing comes from a wounded part of yourself, like maybe a younger version of you that experienced rejection or failure and decided never again. When you work with these parts, something really incredible can happen. You start to see your fears for what they are, not roadblocks, but signals with positive intent. Instead of letting those fears control you, you can listen to them, process them, open up to them, welcome them, embrace them, and then move forward with clarity and confidence.
This kind of self-awareness completely changes everything for you. It allows you to reframe the act of choosing as an opportunity, not a threat. Let me explain what I mean by that. When you choose, you're stepping into growth. Every choice you make, whether it works out perfectly or it blows up in your face, can teach you something valuable. It helps you discover who you are, what you want and what really matters to you. [17:07.5]
Avoiding choices, on the other hand, keeps you stuck in the same patterns. You don't grow. You don't learn. You don't move forward. This reframing is crucial. Instead of seeing choice as a source of anxiety, start seeing it as a gift, a chance to take ownership of your life and to experience that freedom that comes from it, a chance to create the relationships, the career and the future you really want.
So, how do you put this into action? I'll give you three simple steps. The first step is to cultivate self-awareness. Start paying attention to where you're avoiding choices in your life. What decisions have you been putting off? What fears come up when you think about making those decisions? Write them down. Name them. Awareness is the first step to breaking free from unconscious resistance. [17:56.7]
Okay, the second step is to process your fear. Don't try to push away your fear or to repress it or suppress it. Instead, sit with your fears. Ask yourself, “What am I really afraid of here? Is it the fear of failure? Is it the fear of loss? The fear of vulnerability? The fear of what?” Once you identify the fear, you can start to work with it, and this is where tools like IFS therapy would come in really handy. By exploring the parts of you that are resisting, you can start to heal those wounds and make decisions from a place of strength, not fear.
The third step is to choose growth over comfort. The next time you're faced with a decision, ask yourself, “Does this choice move me toward growth or does it keep me in my comfort zone?” Then choose growth, even if it's uncomfortable, even if it's messy, because the truth is, growth is rarely comfortable, but it's the only way to live a life that's truly yours.
When you start embracing your freedom to choose, you'll notice something incredible happening in your life. The fear that once held you back starts to fade. The indecision that kept you stuck starts to dissolve, and you begin to feel a sense of clarity and power that can only come from owning your life. [19:11.0]
By the way, I have a free masterclass on how to make intelligent decisions, how to make wise decisions. If you go to my web page, DavidTianPhD.com, there's a quiz, an assessment that's five questions or something like that. If you go through that quiz assessment, it'll give you access to the suite of free masterclasses, which will include how to make smart decisions, which includes a really powerful meditative process.
All right, let's take a moment to bring it all together. We've explored three powerful ideas today.
First, the hidden cost of not choosing, how avoiding decisions might feel like a relief in the moment, but over time, it erodes your confidence, your relationships, your ability to lead.
Second, we talked about radical responsibility, taking full ownership of your actions, your inactions, and the ripple effects that they can create. [19:59.6]
Finally, we uncovered the unconscious resistance to choosing, the deeper psychological barriers like fear of freedom, fear of loss, and especially the fear of death that keeps us stuck in avoidance of life.
Now, let me illustrate how all this plays out in real life. I worked with a client. Call him Alex. He was a successful tech executive, and from the outside his life looked perfect, wealth, status, respect, all of that, but on the inside, he was struggling. His personal relationships were falling apart. His marriage had ended in a messy divorce, and even though he was dating again, nothing seemed to stick.
Alex came to me because he felt trapped. He had been avoiding serious relationships, telling himself it was because he wanted to focus on himself, but the truth was deeper. He was terrified of making another bad choice. He was still suffering from the pain and disappointment of his divorce, so instead of choosing anew, he stayed in limbo, keeping things casual and never really committing. [20:55.0]
As we worked together, Alex started to see how his avoidance was costing him, not just in his dating life, but everywhere. His hesitation showed up at work, delegating key decisions to others, avoiding tough conversations with his team. It even showed up in his friendships, where he kept people at arm's length, afraid to let them in.
Through our sessions together, we uncovered the unconscious resistance driving his behavior. He realized he wasn't just afraid of making the wrong choice. He was afraid of the responsibility that came with committing to any choice. It was the existential fear of freedom that Yalom talks about, the weight of owning your decisions and their consequences.
With this awareness, Alex started to shift inside. He stopped blaming his past, his ex or his circumstances. He started owning his own choices, no matter how small. He committed to one relationship, and for the first time in years, allowed himself to be vulnerable to her, and surprisingly to him, his personal growth spilled over into every part of his life. His confidence grew. His relationships deepened, and his leadership at work became sharper and more authentic. This is what happens when you take responsibility and embrace your own freedom to choose. It's not easy, but it is transformative. [22:12.1]
Thank you so much for listening. If this has helped you in any way, please share with anyone else that you think could benefit from it. If you have any comments whatsoever, I'd love to hear your feedback. Leave a comment or send me a message.
I look forward to welcoming you to the next episode. Until then, David Tian, signing out. [22:28.0]
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