Welcome to “Beyond Success”, the podcast for high-achievers seeking deeper meaning, fulfillment and purpose. Now, here's your host, world-renowned leadership coach and therapist, David Tian, PhD.
David: Welcome to the Beyond Success podcast. In this episode, we're diving into something that might be the most important shift you'll ever make. This episode is all about the path to inner peace and personal reinvention. If you're in a season of life where success feels hollow or even like a weight around your neck, then this episode is for you.
By the end of this episode, you'll know how to begin transforming your life from the inside-out. I'll be sharing tools and insights that help you not only break free from burnout and dissatisfaction, but also step into a life filled with clarity, connection and genuine fulfillment—because let's face it, if you stay stuck in the same cycles, chasing external markers of success, without addressing what's happening underneath, then it's like running on a treadmill that's speeding up every year. Eventually, you'll trip and fall. [01:04.7]
Maybe it looks like burnout, so intense that you can't work anymore, or maybe it's your close relationships that quietly fall apart, because you're never truly emotionally or psychologically present. Or worst of all, you wake up one day realizing that life has passed you by and you never felt fully alive.
If you've been following along the last couple of episodes, then you already know that success doesn't automatically bring fulfillment. In the past two episodes, we explored how fulfillment comes through different pathways entirely, paths that many high-achievers miss because they're too busy chasing the next milestone. This episode builds on that foundation. Today we're going to go deeper. This is about discovering who you really are, healing what's been holding you back and creating a future that excites you in a way that mere money or status never could.
In case you don't know who I am, I'm David Tian, and for almost the past two decades, I've been helping thousands of high-achievers attain success, meaning and fulfillment in their personal and professional lives. In this episode, I've got three points. Let's dive into the first. [02:06.6]
The first one's about self-awareness. It's the foundation of every meaningful transformation, and I don't mean just knowing what you like or what you're good at. That's surface-level stuff. I'm talking about the kind of self-awareness that changes how you see the world and how you show up in it. Leaders, especially high-achievers, can get stuck easily, because they don't understand what's really driving them. They might be crushing it in their careers, building empires, making big moves, but underneath it all, they feel disconnected, burnt out, like something essential is missing.
Why does this happen to high-achievers? Because most of us haven't been taught how to make sense of our internal world, of our unconscious. We go through life reacting to situations without realizing what's happening beneath the surface in our minds, those automatic reactions, whether it's like the relentless drive to succeed or the anxiety that might keep you up at night, or the voices in your head that say you'll never be enough. [03:08.3]
These aren't random. They're coming from parts of you, and this is where IFS or Internal Family Systems therapy can come in really handy. IFS therapy is an evidence-based psychotherapeutic practice that teaches us that our minds are made up of different parts, each with its own feelings, needs, like a personality. Some of these parts are helpful, but others are stuck in old patterns that may have protected you in the past but are now holding you back.
As an example, take the inner-critic part, or it's a category of parts that many people have, especially high-achievers. Most people hate that inner-critic voice in their head. They experience it as judgmental, harsh and relentless. But IFS therapy invites you to get curious about it. That critic isn't just there to make your life miserable. It's there because, at some point, it believed that criticizing you would keep you safe, safe from failure or rejection or humiliation. [04:04.0]
Then there's the wounded child that is protecting and this wounded-child part carries the pain of the past, the moments when you felt unloved or unseen or not good enough or abandoned. It's the part that gets triggered when someone else dismisses your ideas or when you hit a roadblock and suddenly feel like giving up.
What IFS therapy does is to help you connect with these parts of yourself. Instead of fighting them or ignoring them, or trying to push them away, you build a relationship with them. You become their leader. As you do, something amazing happens. The parts that once felt chaotic to you or overwhelming, begin to trust you and calm down. They trust that you can handle things.
This process creates what IFS therapy calls self-leadership. It happens when you lead your inner system of parts with clarity, compassion and confidence, because you're no longer a prisoner of your unconscious patterns. [05:01.3]
Now, let's layer in another tool, existential therapy. This therapeutic approach dives really deep into the big questions, questions about meaning or mortality, death, freedom and purpose. These bigger questions might feel heavy, maybe even overwhelming to you, which is actually why many people avoid them. But the truth is, until you face them, they'll keep showing up in subtle ways, through your dissatisfaction in life, your restlessness, your search for something more, the never-ending search for something more.
Existential therapy encourages us to confront these questions head-on. What does it mean to live authentically to yourself? What would it look like to fully embrace your freedom and take full responsibility for your choices? How can you make peace with the fact that life is finite? These aren't questions that you can answer in simply one sitting. They're going to be ongoing explorations through your whole life, but as you wrestle with them, you can start to clarify what really matters to you. You strip away the distractions, the noise, the things you've been told you should care about, and you end up reconnecting with your core values. [06:14.8]
Here’s a simple exercise from IFS therapy that you can try out today. You can start by noticing a part of you that's been active recently. Maybe it's that inner critic, or maybe it's a part that feels anxious or frustrated or overwhelmed. Close your eyes and focus on that part. Where do you feel it in your body? Or maybe it's a voice that you hear, or maybe it's an image or a visual that you see when you close your eyes.
Locate that part, and once you've located it, hone in on it. See if you can hold it there in your awareness and try to get a little bit closer. As you do, notice that you can see it as separate from you. It's a part of you, but it's not all of you. If it helps, you can picture it as a character, like a person sitting across from you. [07:03.0]
Now you can ask this part of you some questions. What does it want for you? What is it most afraid of if it can't do the thing that it's trying to do? Here’s the key: you must listen without judgment. You might be surprised at what comes up. That inner critic might say, “I want you to succeed, and I'm afraid you'll fail if I don't push you.” Notice that's not the voice of an enemy. That's the voice of a part that's scared and trying to protect you, a part of you that has good intentions, even if its methods might be maladaptive now.
By doing this exercise, you're starting to build a relationship with your parts, and as you do so, you'll notice something shift over time. Those parts begin to trust you, because you're coming to them from a place of interested curiosity and not trying to change them or judge them, and from that place, real healing can begin. [07:59.7]
This is the power of deep self-awareness. It's not just about understanding your strengths and weaknesses. It's really at a deeper level, about uncovering the hidden dynamics that drive your thoughts, feelings and actions, and then learning to lead yourself with compassion and courage, and when you pair that with existential philosophical reflection, when you start asking the hard questions about what truly matters to you in life, then you lay the foundation for a powerful reinvention of yourself that feels authentic, grounded and much more meaningful.
We've really just scratched the surface here, especially with IFS therapy. There's so much more to explore, and I just simply mentioned existential therapy. That's just opening the door to a lifelong study. But for now, I'll leave you with this. Transformation starts with curiosity, so be curious about yourself. Get to know the parts of you that you've ignored or pushed aside. They hold the key to the peace and clarity that you've been searching for. [09:00.4]
Okay, so the second main point I want to cover here is emotional regulation and antifragility. If you're navigating a big transition or facing mounting pressures in your life, then this point is essential, because the reality is stress, chaos and uncertainty aren't going anywhere. You can't outachieve or outsmart or outwork the unexpected curve balls that life will inevitably throw your way. What you can do is develop the tools and mindset to not only withstand those challenges, but actually grow stronger because of them.
So, we begin with emotional regulation. This is your ability to stay grounded no matter what's happening around or inside you. This is about handling intense emotions without getting swept away by them. Think about a leader that you admire. Chances are that leader doesn't panic under pressure. They're steady, measured, composed, and that's emotional regulation from the outside. [10:02.2]
Emotional regulation isn't some superpower that you're born with. It's a skill, and they can be learned, developed, honed, and mastered. One of the best frameworks for this comes from dialectical behavior therapy or DBT. DBT might sound like it's only for people dealing with extreme emotions, but it's actually pure gold for anyone who wants to master their inner world. In fact, my Emotional Mastery program incorporates a lot of the best of DBT therapy.
In my Emotional Mastery program, I cover one of the core DBT skills, which they call mindfulness. I use the term “presence.” Emotional presence it's not just about sitting on a cushion meditating for hours. Emotional presence is about paying attention to the present moment without judgment. When you're present or mindful, you create a space between what's happening and how you respond to it, and that space is everything when it comes to success and fulfillment in life. It's the difference between reacting out of habit, often in ways that make things worse, and responding intentionally. [11:07.7]
Here's a simple presence exercise that you can try the next time you feel overwhelmed. It's called the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique. I'll give you the classic version of it and I'll give you a simpler version. Okay, so the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique, look around and name five things you can see, then four things that you can touch, then three things you can hear, then two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. This takes less than a minute, but it anchors you into the present. An even simpler version of this is to notice one thing from each of the five senses. This will help anchor you in the present, and when you're anchored, the chaos feels a lot less overwhelming.
Now let's talk about the skill of emotion endurance. By the way, once you have gone quite a ways into practicing emotion endurance, then you'll have laid the groundwork for building the skill of emotional resilience. Both of these skills are also covered in my program Emotional Mastery. [12:06.3]
Hey, if you're an achiever who's been struggling when it comes to managing your emotions or navigating your relationships, I get it. So many high-performers hit a wall when it comes to emotional mastery. Maybe you've noticed that stress, frustration or anger is seeping into your personal or professional life, or you feel disconnected from those you care about.
That's where my “Emotional Mastery” program comes in. It's based on peer-reviewed, evidence-based therapeutic methods to help you find happiness, love and real fulfillment. Learn how to break free from the emotional roller-coaster and start thriving in every area of your life. You can find out more at DavidTianPhD.com/EmotionalMastery. That's D-A-V-I-D-T-I-A-N-P-H-D [dot] com [slash] emotional mastery.
Let's first go back to emotion endurance. This is about getting through tough moments without making them tougher. As an example, let's say you're in a heated argument and your first instinct is to yell or it might be to shut down completely. Emotion endurance gives you the tools and the endurance to ride out that wave of emotion until you're calm enough to respond constructively. [13:25.4]
One of my favorite techniques here is called, simply, self-soothing, and it's exactly what it sounds like, using your five senses to calm yourself down. You can light a candle with a scent that you love or you can wrap yourself in a soft blanket you like, or listen to music that you like that relaxes you. It sounds really simple, but achievers far too often default into beating themselves up more. This is the opposite way. Being able to treat yourself compassionately in the moment speeds up the healing process to bring you back into a more effective, constructive state. [14:02.4]
It's like if you've broken your leg, the thing not to do is to keep standing on that leg. Instead, what you need to do is to treat it with care, put it in a cast and go through physical therapy with it, and that's like a self-soothing effect on your emotions, on your unconscious.
Self-soothing might sound simple, but these little acts help your nervous system to regulate itself. It activates your parasympathetic nervous system, which is a natural, biological process of self-regulation, and when you're better regulated emotionally, you can thereby make better decisions. So, emotion endurance is about surviving the storm and antifragility is about thriving because of it
If you're not familiar with the term antifragility, I first learned about this in Taleb’s wonderful book entitled Antifragile. This is the idea that some things don't just bounce back after stress or adversity. They actually get stronger. As an example, think about how muscles grow after lifting weights. The stress of lifting breaks them down, but as a result, it provides the opportunity for growth when you rest afterwards, and that's a great example of antifragility. And guess what? Your mind works the same way. [15:10.0]
Positive psychology gives us some powerful tools to cultivate this kind of antifragile growth. One of the most effective tools is gratitude. Now, I know gratitude gets a lot of hype these days, but there's a reason for that. Gratitude shifts your focus. When you intentionally look for what's good, even in the midst of chaos, you start to see opportunities instead of just obstacles. What you appreciate appreciates.
Here's a quick way to build gratitude into your daily routine. Before you go to bed, you can write down three things that went well that day and why they went well. These don't have to be anything huge, like maybe a colleague complimented your work, maybe you enjoyed a great cup of coffee. Whatever it is, just write it down. Over time, this practice rewires your brain to notice the positive. [15:55.0]
Another tool from positive psychology is identifying your character strengths. These are enduring qualities that have stayed with you through time that contribute to making you who you are, and these might be things like creativity or resilience, or kindness, and when you focus on using your strengths, you tap into what's most authentic and energizing for you, and when you do that, challenges feel less like obstacles and more like opportunities to grow.
Okay, so let's bring it all together with an actionable takeaway. The next time you feel overwhelmed or stuck, you can combine presence with gratitude and start with the 5-4-3-2-1 technique to ground yourself. Then ask yourself, “What's one thing I can appreciate about this present moment?” It could be something really small, and often, the smaller things are more effective, like the fact that you're learning from this challenge, or it could be something big, like the opportunity to prove to yourself how capable you are.
The bottom line is emotion endurance and antifragility aren't just about surviving tough times. They're about becoming stronger, more centered and more resilient because of those times. When you develop these skills, you don't just weather the storm; you emerge from it transformed, and that's how you can set the stage for your own personal reinvention during transition. [17:13.1]
Okay, so the third and final point is redefining purpose and creating a vision for the next chapter of your life. Okay, we're going to bring everything together here. You've done the work to understand yourself on a deeper level. You've built the emotional resilience or antifragility to handle challenges and grow from them, and now it's time to take all of that and channel it into something bigger, something more meaningful for you.
Why does this matter so much? Because transformation isn't just about letting go of the past. It's about building a future that feels worth waking up for. A lot of leaders get stuck here. They think success will automatically bring fulfillment, and you would know by now, if you've listened to the previous two episodes, that success on its own is empty if it's not tied to something intrinsically meaningful, something that genuinely matters to you. [18:01.8]
One really helpful way of thinking about purpose is in terms of alignment, alignment between who you are at your core and how you show up in the world. A lot of leaders in transition overlook this, because realigning your life with your values can often feel like starting over, and starting over feels risky and scary, but it's only risky if you don't know where to begin.
Let’s start with some wisdom from early Daoism, specifically the concept of wu wei, which I've covered in earlier episodes, and a good translation of wu wei is effortless action. Wu wei doesn't mean sitting back and doing nothing. Instead, it's about flowing with life. Instead of forcing things, it's taking action, but in a way that feels natural and aligned with your deeper purpose.
Think about a time in your life when everything just clicked. Maybe you were immersed in a project or activity where time seemed to disappear while you were doing it. That's an example of wu wei. It's the state you enter when your actions are in harmony with your True Self, and this is a powerful reminder that fulfillment doesn't come from grinding harder or chasing external validation. [19:10.2]
Fulfillment comes from aligning your life and your day-to-day activities with what feels authentic and meaningful to you. But now there's a catch. To get there, you need to know what actually matters to you, and a helpful way to think about this is through Joseph Campbell's The Hero's Journey. The Hero's Journey is a timeless framework for transformation.
The Hero's Journey starts with a call to adventure, something that shakes you out of your comfort zone and sets you on a path of discovery. Along the way, you face all kinds of challenges. You confront your deepest fears and you shed your old identities, and eventually, you emerge through the other side transformed with new wisdom and a renewed sense of purpose and meaning. [19:52.2]
If you look at your life as your own hero's journey, what are the challenges that you have faced? Those were your trials. The moments when you questioned everything were your call to adventure, and the work you're doing now, getting to know yourself at a deeper level, building antifragility and redefining what success means to you, all of this prepares you to step into the next chapter of your hero’s story.
But reflection alone isn't enough. Transformation happens when self-discovery leads to action, and this is where a therapeutic coaching approach becomes invaluable. Therapy helps you uncover the layers of your past, your wounds, your patterns, your limiting beliefs, and coaching helps you take what you've uncovered and turn it into forward momentum. Together, they can create a bridge between self-awareness and purposeful meaningful action.
For example, let's say you've realized that one of your core values is connection. Maybe you've spent years prioritizing your career at the expense of your closest relationships and now you're ready to change that. Therapy can help you understand why connection feels so important to you. Maybe it's tied to a deep longing for intimacy or belonging from childhood. [21:08.0]
Coaching can help you map out what prioritizing connection will look like in your daily life. Do you schedule weekly check-ins with your partner? Do you set boundaries around work to be more present with your kids? Do you build a community around your shared values? The key is to turn your insights into action. Insights alone don't create change. They're the fuel, but action is what gets you moving.
Okay, let's make this practical with an exercise. This will help you identify a core value or purpose that can anchor the next chapter of your life. Take a moment to think about a time in your life when you felt truly alive—when you were doing it, it felt like to you, This is it, this is what life is about. It could be a big moment, like achieving a long-held goal, or probably something smaller, like a quiet walk in nature with someone that you really care about. [22:01.5]
You can ask yourself, once you've got one of these moments in your life when you felt truly alive, ask yourself, what was it about that moment that felt so fulfilling? What values or qualities were present? Was it freedom, creativity, connection, contribution, or something else? Now take that value and ask yourself, “How can I bring more of this into my life? What's one small step I can take today to honor this value?”
For example, if the value is creativity, maybe you set aside 30 minutes a day starting today to write, draw, or brainstorm or whatever that creative outlet is for you. Maybe it's connection, so maybe you reach out to a friend that you haven't spoken to in a while. The goal isn't to overhaul your entire life overnight. It's to start weaving your values more deeply into your daily actions. [22:56.2]
In my courses, Purpose, Lifestyle Mastery, and especially, Freedom U, I have a meditative process that walks you through this purpose exercise at a much deeper level, paired with music and all kinds of really emotionally moving material that will get to your purposes at various layers of your unconscious. If that's something you're interested in, I have courses that will do this for you. Again, they are the courses “Purpose”, “Lifestyle Mastery”, and especially, “Freedom U”.
Again, when you live in alignment with your values, then your deeper purpose becomes clear. It's not something you have to chase. It's something that emerges naturally from your unconscious, like sunlight breaking through the clouds. Redefining your purpose and creating a vision for the next chapter of your life isn't about finding a single aha moment. It's an ongoing process of aligning your life with what really matters most to you, and when you do that, you don't just reinvent yourself. You become the kind of person who inspires others to do the same. [23:59.0]
Okay, let's recap the three main points that we've covered in this episode.
First, self-awareness. This is where transformation starts. You need to know yourself, really know yourself. That means understanding the different parts of you, the ones that drive your decisions and sometimes even sabotage them. Tools like IFS therapy help you get there by creating a dialog with these parts, uncovering their fears and leading them with clarity and compassion.
The second big point was emotion endurance and antifragility. Life throws curve balls at us, it's inevitable. Some of these are small and some of them are life-changing. Building emotion endurance allows you to handle those challenges without losing your balance. Tools from DBT therapy or the ones in my Emotional Mastery course, like emotional presence or emotion endurance, can ground you when things feel overwhelming. By cultivating gratitude and tapping into your character strengths, you can turn even tough situations into opportunities for growth. [24:57.6]
The third point was on redefining your purpose in creating a vision for your next chapter. Transformation isn't just about healing the past. It's about looking forward and building a life that feels aligned with your core values. Philosophical concepts like the early-Daoist wu wei remind us that fulfillment comes from Harmony, not forcing it, and combining a therapy and coaching helps you to turn insight into action so that you can live a life that's both meaningful and exciting.
Now, let me bring this to life with a client case study. Let's call him Alex. Alex was a high-powered executive in his early-50s. He'd built a career that most people would envy, a very high salary, very respected in his industry. He had a beautiful lifestyle, but he came to me for leadership coaching, feeling empty. Despite all his outward accomplishments, something felt off in his life. He couldn't name it, but he knew he was burned out and disconnected from his family and those he really loved, and he was unsure of what came next. [25:57.4]
We started with self-awareness. We leaned on IFS therapy here, and Alex discovered that a part of him, let's call it, the performer, was constantly driving him to overachieve. The performer was terrified of failure rooted in early childhood experiences where he was only praised when he excelled at school or in athletics.
Once Alex started to recognize and understand the performer, he felt a huge sense of relief. He no longer saw his constant drive as a flaw, but as something that he could lead with compassion. From there, we worked also on emotional regulation and endurance. When Alex felt the urge to work late or push through exhaustion, we instead used presence or mindfulness techniques to help him pause and check in with himself. He practiced grounding exercises during moments of stress, and over time, he noticed his reactions slowing down. He wasn't running on autopilot anymore. [26:55.4]
Then finally, we redefined his purpose through reflection and coaching, Alex realized he deeply valued connection, especially with his now teenage kids. He admitted that his relentless focus on work had created a large distance that he wanted to repair with them, and together, we mapped out a plan for him to spend more time at home, mentoring his children and building relationships with them.
For the first time in decades, Alex felt clear about what truly mattered to him and how to live it every day, and that's part of the power of this process. When you combine self-awareness, emotional regulation and antifragility, and a clear purpose in life, then you have the foundation for a life that feels fulfilling and not just successful.
Thank you so much for listening. If you have any feedback at all, leave a comment or send me a message. I'd love to get your feedback. If you liked this, leave a positive review on whatever platform you're listening to this on or a positive rating, and if this has helped you in any way, please send it to anyone else that you think could benefit from it.
Thank you again so much for listening. I look forward to welcoming you to the next episode. Until then, David Tian, signing out. [28:02.2]
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