Welcome to “Beyond Success”, the podcast for high-achievers seeking deeper meaning, fulfillment and purpose. Now, here's your host, world-renowned leadership coach and therapist, David Tian, PhD.
David: You might have heard people say you're stuck with your attachment style, that if you're anxious or avoidant, it's just who you are, that it's some hard-wired trait, permanent, maybe even stamped into your DNA. But here's the truth: that belief holds you back more than any attachment style ever could.
What if I told you, whether you're anxiously clinging to relationships, pulling away at the first sign of intimacy, or bouncing between the two, you can actually grow into a secure attachment style? You can break free from those patterns that have been silently sabotaging your relationships, and not just temporarily. You can fundamentally change your approach to love and connection in a lasting, transformative way. [00:58.3]
Let's bust this myth right now. You're not locked into anxious, avoidant or mixed patterns. Those are just strategies you developed to cope, often from way back in childhood. It might have been the only way to feel safe or get your needs met back then. But now, now it's different. Now you've grown with resources and tools ready to actually work on yourself—and here's the best part: moving into a secure attachment style means you finally get to succeed in a long-term relationship.
That doesn't mean hoping things magically work out. This is about getting clear on what's been in your way, those anxieties that surface when things get close, that urge to pull back or run when it gets too real. This isn't some passive self-acceptance, either. This is active, engaged change, because success in relationships isn't just luck or waiting for the right person. It's about showing up, secure, whole, able to lean in without losing yourself, and able to stay grounded when challenges inevitably come up. [02:00.0]
If you're not there yet, that's OK, because attachment styles aren't prisons. They're starting points, and from there, you can grow into something more, because here's another thing that most people don't realize: a happy relationship isn't just about emotional wellbeing. It directly impacts your career. Studies show that people in satisfying relationships tend to perform better at work. It's not magic, it's science. When you're coming from a stable, supportive home life, you're more focused, creative and resilient. Your mind is freed up for bigger things, not bogged down by conflict or emotional tension.
The Harvard Study of Adult Development, the longest running study in human history, has shown again and again that healthy relationships boost everything—your health, your longevity, even your success at work—because when you're happy at home, you're more effective in every other area of your life. You can go into each day energized instead of drained, inspired instead of stressed. In other words, creating a happy, secure relationship isn't just personal. It's professional. [03:07.7]
And who am I to be telling you this? I'm David Tian, and for almost two decades, I've been helping hundreds of thousands of people from over 87 countries attain success, happiness and fulfillment in their personal and professional lives—and welcome to Beyond Success: Psychology & Philosophy for Achievers.
In this episode, I've got five key points about attachment. These are the building blocks for understanding why we act the way we do in relationships. We're starting with Point No. 1 now, understanding your attachment style and where it comes from. This awareness is huge. It's the foundation for how we approach love, connection and intimacy. Let’s start by looking at where it all began.
John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, two huge names in psychology, researched how our earliest relationships shape us. Attachment theory, as it's often called, is all about how the connections we formed with our primary caregivers impact our adult relationships. Think back to when you were a baby or a toddler, those interactions with your parents or caregivers. They were already programming you, so to speak, on how to connect, how to love and how to trust or not trust. [04:13.6]
Now, Bowlby came up with the idea that attachment is a survival mechanism. If a child feels safe and connected to their caregiver, they develop a sense of security, and when that's missing, the child adapts. The child finds ways to cope, ways to stay safe in an environment that feels uncertain. Ainsworth built on this, developing what we now know as attachment styles—secure, anxious, and avoidant.
What do these look like? A secure attachment is when you had that stable, reliable presence early on. Someone was there to comfort you when you were scared, feed you when you were hungry, and reassure you when you felt vulnerable. That security allows you to trust people and feel comfortable in relationships as an adult. [05:01.6]
You're not constantly questioning whether someone loves you or if you're enough. You just feel it, and that's because you've got that stable base from way back, a secure base that you know you can count on so that you can safely venture out to explore in the unknown or in the edges of your comfort zone, or even your physical perimeter, because you always have a secure base to go back to.
Then there's the anxious attachment style. If you had a caregiver who was unpredictable, sometimes loving and attentive, but other times absent or indifferent, or perhaps angry and lashing out, then you might develop an anxious attachment style. As an adult, this often shows up as a need for constant reassurance. You might feel clingy, overly sensitive to rejection or terrified of abandonment. You want closeness, but you're always on edge, fearing it could be taken away at any moment. [06:00.8]
The third style is avoidant attachment. This can happen if your caregiver was emotionally unavailable or neglectful. The message you received early on was that you couldn't rely on others, so to protect yourself, you learn to rely only on yourself. In relationships, avoidantly attached people tend to keep their distance. They might crave connection, but they're afraid of getting hurt, so they avoid deep emotional intimacy. They keep their walls up, and if things get too close, then they pull back.
Now, there's also a fourth style, which is a mix of anxious and avoidant, and this mixed attachment style can make adult relationships even more complicated. People with a mixed style might want closeness, but then push it away as soon as they get it, or they might go back and forth, cycling between intense need and intense distance. It can be confusing, both for them and for their partners. [06:55.4]
How do these attachment styles actually show up in adult relationships? Each style has a unique way of impacting intimacy, trust and conflict. OK, let's look a little deeper at how.
By the way, I've devoted separate episodes in my old podcast, the Masculine Psychology podcast. One episode was on anxious attachment style, another episode was on avoidant attachment style, so if you want to dig more deeply into that or either style, do a search for those episodes. But don't do that until you finish this episode.
OK, so we're going to look more deeply at how each of these impact adult relationships. If you're securely attached, you're likely more comfortable being vulnerable. You don't feel a need to test your partner's love constantly. When there's a disagreement, you approach it calmly, knowing it's not a threat to the relationship. You trust your partner and feel safe enough to let them in fully.
For those with an anxious style, relationships can feel like a roller coaster. You're hyper-aware of any shift in your partner's mood or attention. If they seem distant, even for a moment, your mind might start spinning, wondering if they're about to leave. [08:03.5]
This constant fear of abandonment can lead to behaviors that actually push people away, like being overly clingy or demanding constant validation. You want closeness, but your need for reassurance can become overwhelming for both you and your partner.
Then there's the avoidance style, where the person keeps their emotional distance. In a relationship, someone with an avoidant attachment style might avoid talking about feelings or steer clear of any sign of dependence. They value their independence so much that closeness feels like a threat. When things get intense or emotional, they might shut down or withdraw. It's not that they don't want love. They're just afraid that it's going to make them feel too vulnerable.
The mixed style, as you might guess, combines these patterns. People with a mixed attachment style might cling to their partner one moment and then push them away the next. They might crave intimacy, but find it overwhelming when they actually do get close. This push–pull can create a lot of confusion and tension in relationships. [09:09.4]
Knowing your own attachment style is so important because if you're unaware of how these patterns play out, you'll just keep repeating them. But when you can identify your own attachment style, whether it's secure, anxious, avoidant, or mixed, anxious–avoidant, you start to see your relationship patterns in a whole new and more empowering way, and self-awareness is key here. This isn't about labeling yourself or boxing yourself in in a category. It's about understanding where you're coming from so you can consciously decide where you want to go.
Knowing your attachment style allows you to recognize your triggers, your tendencies and your default reactions, and once you know these, you can start working on them. You can start rewiring yourself toward a secure attachment style. [09:57.3]
So, here's where we are now. Understanding your attachment style and how it's shaped by your early relationships is point number one. When you can pinpoint your attachment tendencies, then you're no longer at the mercy of them. You can start to be no longer at the mercy of them. You can start making choices that lead to healthier, more fulfilling connections. This is not easy, but it is possible.
Now let's move to the second point, which is to dive into the inner work, the real, deep inner work, and it's about how self-compassion can play a major role in healing those attachment wounds, the wounds that hold us back from truly secure, fulfilling relationships.
So, what does inner work actually look like? A big part of inner work involves getting to know what Richard Schwartz, the pioneer and creator of Internal Family Systems therapy, calls our parts. Schwartz found that each of us has different parts within us, like distinct voices or versions of ourselves, or sub-personalities. Many of these parts were formed at different points in our lives in order to protect us, especially when our attachment needs weren't being met. [11:04.6]
Imagine you're a kid reaching out for love, connection or even just a bit of safety. Maybe a parent is there, but they're emotionally checked out. Maybe they're inconsistent, or maybe they're even harsh or overly critical. When that happens, when those needs aren't met, then we naturally adapt. We form protective parts that jump in to help us cope with that feeling of rejection or loneliness or fear.
Let's say, as a kid, you were constantly walking on eggshells, waiting for the next outburst, and to protect you, a part of you might have learned to avoid emotional closeness. Another part of you might have learned to be super attuned to others moods, constantly monitoring for any sign of conflict, and over time, these parts became our default responses to any emotional situation in an intimate relationship or a close relationship. [11:58.6]
IFS therapy is all about getting to know these various parts of you, understanding their roles, and, most importantly, healing the parts of you that have been stuck in these protective or neurotic roles for years, maybe even decades. Instead of just pushing through or ignoring these parts IFS therapy encourages you to approach them with curiosity and respect.
These parts aren't bad or evil. They're not flaws. They're not broken pieces of you. They're just strategies that you developed to survive, and they're still doing their best to keep you safe like they did back then, and they don't know any better—and this is where self-compassion really comes in, because once you start uncovering these parts, it might be easy for you to feel frustrated or even ashamed
You might think, Why am I still so afraid of intimacy? Or, Why do I always push people away when they get too close? But self-compassion lets you approach these reactions without judgment. You're not shaming yourself for being this way. You are accepting that there is a good reason behind each of these reactions, each of these defense mechanisms. [13:08.7]
When you hold your attachment wounds with self-compassion, you create a safe internal space for healing. Imagine speaking to those parts like they're scared or hurt kids who did their best to survive. Instead of trying to fix yourself, try accepting yourself. Self-compassion lets you stay grounded even as you confront painful memories or past patterns. It lets you explore those vulnerable areas without the fear of judgment or criticism from yourself or anyone else.
That kind of safety is essential, because healing attachment wounds isn't a quick process. It's messy. It's sometimes uncomfortable, but self-compassion keeps you anchored, allowing you to feel those emotions without getting overwhelmed or feeling like you're failing. [13:57.0]
Then there's the work of making peace with past relationships, and this is huge because if we don't come to terms with our past relationship patterns, we end up dragging them unconsciously into the present. If you've had a string of relationships where you felt anxious, always fearing that your partner would leave, that doesn't just disappear when you meet someone new. Or if you've always kept your emotional distance when things get close, in order to avoid being hurt, those walls don't just magically crumble.
Making peace with past relationships means acknowledging the patterns that you've been stuck in and recognizing how they're affecting you today. This isn't blaming yourself or blaming your exes. It's understanding the role that you played, the patterns that you brought into those relationships and the impact that they had. It's seeing how your parts were acting out of self-preservation, maybe even out of love, but in a way that didn't serve you in the long run. [14:56.6]
So, how do you do this? Start by looking at your past relationships without judgment. What patterns do you see? Were you always the one to initiate closeness or the one to pull away? Did you find yourself repeating the same arguments or insecurities with different people? Recognize those patterns, and then here's the critical part, bring in self-compassion.
It's easy to beat yourself up over failed relationships, but every experience has led you here to this awareness, to this moment of self-understanding. When you make peace with your past, you can step into your future without all that baggage. Instead of subconsciously repeating those old patterns, you have a choice. You're not automatically reacting from those old parts of yourself. You're choosing from a place of awareness, from a place of healing. That's the power of inner work and self-compassion in healing attachment wounds. [15:56.4]
This kind of growth takes time. It's not always smooth sailing, of course, but with self-compassion and a willingness to understand those protective parts of you, you can create the security and peace that you need to build a healthy, lasting relationship with someone else.
To recap this point, IFS therapy gives you the tools to uncover and understand your inner parts, especially those that developed from unmet attachment needs. Self-compassion provides the safe judgment-free space that you need in order to explore these parts and to heal.
Making peace with your past relationships allows you to break free from old patterns and move toward real, authentic connection. This is the inner work that opens the door to a secure attachment, to a relationship where you can finally show up fully and feel fully loved. [16:44.6]
Hey, if you're an achiever who's been struggling when it comes to managing your emotions or navigating your relationships, I get it. So many high-performers hit a wall when it comes to emotional mastery. Maybe you've noticed that stress, frustration or anger is seeping into your personal or professional life, or you feel disconnected from those you care about.
That's where my “Emotional Mastery” program comes in. It's based on peer-reviewed, evidence-based therapeutic methods to help you find happiness, love and real fulfillment. Learn how to break free from the emotional roller-coaster and start thriving in every area of your life. You can find out more at DavidTianPhD.com/EmotionalMastery. That's D-A-V-I-D-T-I-A-N-P-H-D [dot] com [slash] emotional mastery.
Now let's dive into the third out of five points. This is about emotional regulation and developing secure behaviors. Moving from an insecure attachment style to a secure one requires more than just awareness of your past. It's about building new skills and, most importantly, putting them into action. [17:58.2]
So, first up, emotional regulation. This is sort of the backbone of secure attachment. It's what separates knee-jerk reactions from intentional responses. When you're emotionally regulated, you don't lose yourself in a moment of stress. You don't check out when things get uncomfortable. Instead, you stay present. You stay engaged.
Here's the thing, nobody's born with perfect emotional regulation. We all have triggers, especially when we feel vulnerable. You might feel that wave of anxiety creeping up when your partner doesn't text you back right away or you might feel the urge to shut down when a conversation gets too emotional. That's perfectly normal, but the key to building a secure attachment is learning how to manage those reactions, not be controlled by them.
It starts with awareness, emotional awareness. Ask yourself, what's really going on here? Are you feeling fear or anger, or sadness? Most of us are quick to react without stopping to name what's happening inside us. But when you can pause and identify your emotions, when you can say, “Okay, I'm feeling anxious right now,” or “I'm scared of being hurt right now,” then you begin to take back control. You stop the emotion from running the show and overwhelming you. [19:13.3]
Then the next step is regulating those emotions, and this doesn't mean pushing them down or pretending they don't exist. It means accepting that they're there and then choosing how you want to respond. One of the simplest techniques is just to breathe deeply. Take a few deep breaths—in through your nose and out through your mouth—and let your body calm down. Bring your heart rate down before you speak or act. This gives your mind and body a chance to catch up and make a clear decision. It sounds really basic, but this can save you from saying or doing things that you'll regret later. [19:50.7]
Another great tool is self-soothing. Find ways to comfort yourself in moments of stress without needing someone else to do it for you. This could be as simple as taking a walk in nature or journaling, or even putting on some music that you like that calms you down. The more you practice these self-soothing techniques, the more resilient or, even better, antifragile you can become in emotional situations.
Now, let's talk about secure behaviors. It's one thing to know how to regulate your emotions. It's another to show up in your relationships with behaviors that build trust and intimacy—and the truth is, secure attachment isn't a personality trait. It's a set of behaviors that anyone can learn, and one of the biggest hallmarks of secure attachment is open communication.
When you're securely attached, you don't play games. You're not even interested in them. You say what you feel and you ask for what you need. You don't expect your partner to read your mind. You're direct, but you're also compassionate. You share your fears and vulnerabilities without demanding that the other person fix them for you or take care of you. It's about letting your partner in without making them responsible for your emotional state. [21:05.4]
Next, you can see closeness without falling into over dependence, securely attached people know how to balance connection and independence. They're not afraid to ask for emotional support, but they don't expect their partner to fill every emotional need of theirs. They're comfortable being close, but also comfortable being alone. It's a delicate balance and it could take practice, but the more you can trust that both you and your partner are emotionally independent, the stronger your bond will actually be.
Another core behavior is trust. Securely attached people trust their partners, but even more importantly, they act in ways that make them trustworthy themselves. They keep their word. They follow through on their commitments. They don't engage in behaviors that would undermine the relationship, like manipulation, dishonesty or passive-aggressive games. Trust is built through consistency over time. It's the small, everyday actions that add up over time, and if you're trustworthy yourself, it'll be a lot easier for you to be able to spot trustworthiness in others. [22:10.3]
Now, if you're not sure what secure attachment looks like in real life, don't worry, most of us didn't grow up with perfect examples of secure relationships, but there are ways to learn. One powerful tool is to look for examples of secure attachment around you or in the world.
Maybe there's a couple in your life who seem to have a strong, healthy relationship. Watch how they communicate. How do they handle conflict? How do they support each other without losing themselves in the process? If you don't have those examples in your personal life, that's OK, too, and this is where therapy or coaching can be a huge help.
A good therapist or coach can model secure attachment for you. They can show you what it feels like to be in a relationship where you're seen, heard and supported without judgment. They can help you practice those behaviors in a safe space, so when it comes time to apply them in your personal relationships, you'll be better prepared. [23:05.0]
So, here's the big takeaway from this point: secure attachment is a skill. It's something you can develop through practice. It starts with emotional regulation, being able to manage your reactions in moments of stress or vulnerability, and from there, you can begin to practice the behaviors that build secure relationships, like open communication, healthy closeness and trust, trustworthiness.
If you don't have any examples of this in your own life, don't hesitate to seek them out through therapy or coaching. Secure attachment is something anyone can learn, and when you do, it can transform your relationships from the inside out.
Onto the fourth point out of five, and this is something that most people overlook—the importance of a supportive therapeutic environment. This is crucial. It's key, especially if you're working to shift your attachment style. Whether you're coming from an anxious or an avoidant or an anxious–avoidant mixed style, trying to do all the work on your own can feel like fighting a battle with no armor. That's why having a strong, supportive space is so crucial. [24:09.4]
Let's start by talking about group coaching. Now, a lot of people think therapy or coaching is all about one-on-one work, and that's definitely valuable as a modality, but group coaching has its own unique power, especially when it comes to attachment issues. Why? Because attachment styles form in relationships. The patterns of closeness and distance, fear and trust, all came from how we interacted with others early on, so it makes sense that the best way to heal and grow in this is also in relationships, and this time in a supportive group setting where the stakes aren't as high and where you have a professional coach to guide the process.
Imagine you're someone with an anxious attachment style. You constantly crave reassurance and you're always on edge about whether people will stick around you. In a group coaching environment, you get to practice interpersonal connection in real time. You'll notice when that old fear of abandonment kicks in. [25:08.1]
But now, instead of panicking or trying to control the situation, you can bring it up and explore it, talk about it. You'll see that others share similar struggles, and together, you can learn that you're not alone in your experience. You get the space to express your feelings without the usual fear of being too much for someone.
On the other side, if you have an avoidant attachment style, group work can be especially powerful, too. Avoidants often struggle with intimacy and tend to pull away when things get too emotional, and in a group, you get to practice staying engaged even when things feel uncomfortable for you. You'll have the support of the group and the coach to push you just enough out of your comfort zone, but in a way that still feels safe enough. Over time, you build up your tolerance for emotional closeness and you learn that connection doesn't have to feel like a threat. [26:02.0]
Let me tell you about one of my clients to illustrate this. We'll call him Kevin. Kevin came to me with a classic avoidant attachment style. He was successful in his career, but in his relationships, that was a completely different story. Every time he got close to someone, he'd find a way to sabotage it. Either he'd suddenly become too busy for the relationship or he'd find fault in his partner and use that as an excuse to pull away. On the surface, he seemed calm and independent, but inside, Kevin was terrified of getting hurt.
He joined one of my group coaching programs, and at the beginning, he wasn't sure about it. He wasn't used to talking about his feelings, let alone in front of a group, but here's the thing, he started seeing people in the group open up, share their fears and support each other, and then something shifted. Kevin began to realize that everyone had their own version of these attachment struggles. It wasn't just him. That realization alone took a lot of the pressure off, and as the weeks went by, Kevin started participating more. [27:01.8]
Now, at first, it was just small, just sharing how he felt in the moment, acknowledging his tendency to pull away when things got real, and the group supported him. The group gave him feedback, held him accountable. Over time, Kevin learned to sit with his discomfort instead of running from it, and when he brought these new skills back into his romantic relationship, things really started to change for him. He was more present. He didn't pull away at the first sign of intimacy, and the relationship deepened, as you can expect, and so did Kevin's sense of connection in the relationship.
That's part of the power of group coaching. It's not just about learning new skills or getting advice from a coach. It's about witnessing others’ growth, supporting each other and practicing in a safe space. For people with attachment issues, it's one of the most effective ways to heal and grow, because you get to learn and practice the very thing you struggle with, relationships. [27:57.2]
Now, that brings us to the next point, the final point, recognizing when to seek help. Attachment work isn't something you just figure out on your own, especially when it goes deep into childhood patterns. Therapeutic coaching isn't a sign of weakness or failure. It's a sign that you're ready to do the real work, that you're serious about breaking out of old patterns and creating healthier relationships.
Kevin could have just kept going the way he was, sabotaging his relationships and telling himself that this was just the way he was, that's how he was wired. But he didn't. He sought out support and that decision changed everything for him, and the same could be true for you.
So, how do you know when it's time to get help? Look at your relationships. Do you keep finding yourself in the same patterns, no matter who you're with? Are you constantly anxious in relationships or do you find yourself pulling away the moment things get too serious? If so, that's a sign that it's time to get some professional support. [28:56.4]
The deeper layers of attachment work are really hard to navigate alone. A skilled therapeutic coach can help you uncover the roots of those patterns and guide you toward more secure, fulfilling relationships. At the end of the day, it's about giving yourself the best possible environment to grow.
Whether it's through group coaching or one-on-one work, having a supportive therapeutic environment is essential. You don't have to go through this alone, and with the right guidance, you can break free from those old attachment patterns and finally experience the kind of relationships you've always wanted.
Add one more, final piece of this journey, taking action toward a secure attachment style, and this is where it all comes together. Knowing your attachment style and understanding why you react the way you do is essential, but nothing changes until you start taking action. [29:47.3]
If you want to start developing a secure attachment style, you can start with small, doable changes. You don't have to dive into deep emotional vulnerability overnight, especially if that's way out of your comfort zone. Instead, you can start small. For example, if you usually hold back from sharing your feelings, practice opening up in little ways. If you're avoidant, try sticking around when a conversation starts to get uncomfortable, rather than cutting it short. These small actions may not seem like much at first, but they build momentum. Each secure behavior reinforces your confidence, shifting your mindset and rewiring your brain over time.
Let me tell you about one of my clients. Let's call him Mark. Mark had a classic avoidant attachment style, too. He was in his late-30s, successful in his career, and had a long history of dating, but whenever he'd get close to someone, he'd just pull back. It was almost automatic for him. The minute someone wanted more from him emotionally, he'd find himself avoiding calls, dodging dates, or making up reasons why the relationship just wasn't right. He had it all rationalized. “I'm just not the settling down type,” he used to say. But the truth was, he was really scared. [30:57.6]
When Mark came to me, he wasn't exactly enthusiastic about therapeutic coaching. He was a skeptic, but he was tired of feeling disconnected, of walking away from good relationships. He wanted something real, something he hadn't been able to find in his on-again, off-again dating cycle.
So, we started with small actions. One of the first things I asked him to do was to practice staying present. That might sound easy for some, but for someone with an avoidant style, it could feel like holding your hand over an open flame. I asked him to notice when he felt the urge to disconnect in a conversation, and instead just stay, stay in the discomfort, stay in the conversation, stay with his own reactions, no dodging, no excuses.
At first, it was really tough for him. Mark was used to checking out emotionally when things got too close, so he'd catch himself wanting to cut conversations short or shift the focus to work, sports or anything else. But he'd remember the goal—take it slow, build momentum—and over time, he could see the impact. He started to notice when he'd disconnect and he would choose to stay instead. At first, it wasn't dramatic, but each small decision to engage, to stay present, built up, and that built his confidence. [32:15.0]
The other crucial part of this journey is patience and persistence. Changing attachment patterns is a process. It doesn't happen overnight. Mark had to learn that he wouldn't wake up one day and suddenly feel secure. Progress was gradual and there were setbacks. There were days when he'd find himself falling into old patterns, pulling back from someone that he cared about or shutting down emotionally, and it's easy in those moments to feel like you failed, like you're back to square one. But that's part of the process. Real change comes from consistency, from staying committed, even when it feels like nothing's moving forward.
Healing attachment wounds and building a secure style is a bit like learning a new language. At first, everything feels unnatural and you're conscious of every little thing you say, but the more you practice, the more natural it becomes. You're rewiring years, even decades, of automatic responses, so you have to be patient with yourself. [33:10.0]
If you fall back into an old pattern, don't beat yourself up. Acknowledge it, learn from it, and move forward. This isn't about being perfect. It's about showing up day after day with intention and persistence, and here's the most important part—investing in professional help.
If you're serious about growing into a secure attachment style, having someone in your corner who is experienced in guiding this process can make all the difference, because it's really hard. Sure, you can make progress on your own, but attachment work goes deep, and it's easy to get stuck, feel lost, or fall back into old patterns. A skilled therapeutic coach brings perspective, support and accountability that is almost impossible to get on your own.
In Mark's case, having regular sessions helped him stay on track. There were times he felt frustrated, like he was putting in all this effort without seeing big changes, but having that guidance kept him moving forward. When he'd hit a wall, we'd talk it through. When he needed feedback on a specific situation, I was there to help him understand what was happening and why. [34:12.6]
Therapists and coaches can bring a level of objectivity that's almost impossible to achieve on your own. They can see patterns and dynamics that you might be blind to. They can give you strategies tailored to your specific needs and help you stay accountable when the work feels challenging.
Look, attachment wounds are tied up with some of our deepest fears and insecurities. Having someone experienced to guide you through that can mean the difference between feeling stuck forever and making real progress. So, if you're listening to this and thinking, I want that secure attachment, real intimacy, meaningful relationships, know that it starts with small changes, practicing secure behaviors day by day. [34:53.4]
But don't go it alone if you don't have to. Therapeutic coaching can give you the structure, the guidance and the accountability that you need to make this work sustainable. It's a journey, not a quick fix, but every step you take, no matter how small, brings you closer to the kind of relationships you truly want, the ones where you feel safe, where you can be yourself, where you're both fully seen and fully loved.
So, start today. Make those small changes. Be patient. Stay committed and invest in the support you need to see it through.
All right, let's bring it all together. We've covered a lot today, but if there's one thing to take away, it's that building a secure attachment style is possible. It just takes understanding, action and patience. Let’s recap the five key points that can set you on that path.
First, we started with understanding attachment styles and their origins. John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth showed us how early relationships shape how we connect with others. Whether you're anxious, avoidant or secure, knowing where it all comes from gives you a foundation for growth.
Second, we talked about the role of inner work and self-compassion. This is where IFS or Internal Family Systems therapy comes in. When we approach our parts with curiosity and compassion, we can understand why those protective parts are there and start healing the wounds they protect. Self-compassion is essential for this process. [36:11.8]
Third, we focus on developing emotional regulation and secure behaviors. It's about building emotional awareness, learning to manage reactions and practicing trust, openness and communication. Secure attachment isn't just a personality trait. It's a set of consistent behaviors that anyone can learn.
Then we moved on to the importance of a supportive therapeutic environment. Attachment patterns run deep, and having support, especially through a group-coaching experience, can make all the difference. Working in a group lets you practice relational skills in a safe, guided space.
Finally, we ended with taking action. You can start with small changes, staying patient and investing in professional help if you're ready for serious growth. This journey isn't about overnight transformation. It's about commitment, persistence and showing up for yourself. [37:00.2]
So, those are the five points. The path to secure attachment is real and it's open to you one step at a time. Thank you so much for listening. If this has helped you in any way, please share it with anyone else that you think could benefit from it. If you liked it, please give it a great rating on whatever platform you're listening to this on. If you've got any feedback whatsoever, I'd love to hear it. Leave a comment or send me a message.
I look forward to welcoming you to the next episode. Until then, David Tian, signing out.
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