“When it comes to making wise decisions, a lot of people focus entirely on logic. They think, I just need to analyze the data and I'll figure it out. But the truth is, emotions are always driving the show. Whether you're aware of them or not, your feelings play a huge role in how you make decisions, and if you're avoiding those emotions, they'll end up controlling you from behind the scenes.
“Here's what I mean. Let's say you're thinking about changing careers. Maybe you're feeling stuck where you are, but you've been avoiding those feelings. You bury them under rationalizations, like, ‘The pay is good. The job is stable. I should be grateful.’ But deep down, those emotions don't just disappear. They sit there, building up frustration and resentment.”
David Tian, PhD
Welcome to “Beyond Success”, the podcast for high-achievers seeking deeper meaning, fulfillment and purpose. Now, here's your host, world-renowned leadership coach and therapist, David Tian, PhD.
David: Welcome to Beyond Success: Psychology & Philosophy for Achievers. I'm your host, David Tian. In this episode, we're diving into one of the most critical skills you'll ever need, how to make wise, intelligent decisions. [01:11.0]
Why? Because your life is a direct reflection of the decisions you make. Ignore this fact and you'll find yourself drifting, letting circumstances, or worse, other people decide your path for you, and the worst part is that you won't even realize how much power you're giving away until it's too late. You'll wake up one day, frustrated, stuck, and wondering how you got there.
But here's the truth, making wise decisions isn't just about logic or rational thinking. It's about learning how to prioritize what truly matters in your life. It's about emotional clarity, understanding what drives you, and knowing how to align your choices with your core values.
When you don't take this seriously, the consequences can be devastating. You can waste years on projects that don't fulfill you, relationships that drain you, or careers that leave you empty, and once you realize that it's often too late to undo the damage. That's why in this episode, you'll learn how to avoid these traps and make decisions that lead to a more fulfilling and purposeful life. [02:12.5]
All right, I've got five main points to share with you today, and we'll start in with the first one, which is about emotional awareness, acceptance and clarity.
When it comes to making wise decisions, a lot of people focus entirely on logic. They think, I just need to analyze the data and I'll figure it out. But the truth is, emotions are always driving the show. Whether you're aware of them or not, your feelings play a huge role in how you make decisions, and if you're avoiding those emotions, they'll end up controlling you from behind the scenes.
Here's what I mean. Let's say you're thinking about changing careers. Maybe you're feeling stuck where you are, but you've been avoiding those feelings. You bury them under rationalizations, like, “The pay is good. The job is stable. I should be grateful.” But deep down, those emotions don't just disappear. They sit there, building up frustration and resentment. The longer you avoid them, the more those emotions cloud your judgment, and that's when you start making decisions out of fear, frustration or avoidance, instead of clarity. [03:15.2]
What you need to do is to become fully aware of those emotions. That means sitting with them, understanding them and letting them surface. I know this can be uncomfortable. It's not always fun to face what you're really feeling, but that's where clarity comes from. When you stop avoiding your emotions and allow yourself to fully experience them, they lose their grip on you. It's like this—when you acknowledge and accept those feelings, they don't control you anymore. You're able to see the situation clearly and make decisions from a place of understanding, not avoidance.
Now, to clarify, this doesn't mean you make decisions based on your emotions. That's a mistake people often make. They think, I feel bad, so I'll quit. But, not, emotions are signals. They're telling you something about your current situation and it's up to you to interpret them and figure out what to do next, to decide what to do next. It's about using your emotions to gain clarity on what's really important to you so you can make a decision that aligns with your deeper values. [04:18.7]
How do you do this? The first step is to actually allow yourself to feel what's going on in you. Don't run from it. If you're feeling anxious, frustrated or even angry about something, sit with it. Let it come up without trying to push it away. The more you resist those emotions, the stronger they get. But when you face them head-on, they start to lose their power or impact on you.
Here's a practice that helps. When you're facing a decision, ask yourself, “What am I really feeling about this?” Don't stop at the surface level. Dive deep. Ask, “Why do I feel this way? What's really going on here?” Keep peeling back the layers until you get to the core emotions. [05:05.1]
Once you've identified what you're really feeling, the next step is acceptance. This is where a lot of people get tripped up. They think they shouldn't feel a certain way, or they judge themselves for feeling angry or scared, or frustrated or sad, but acceptance is a crucial step, because it allows you to stop fighting your own emotions.
When you can accept how you feel without judgment, you free yourself up to look at your situation more objectively and more clearly—and from there, clarity ensues. You've acknowledged what's going on emotionally, accepted it, and now you're in a position to see your situation clearly. That's when you can start making decisions that align with your core values and what truly matters to you, not out of fear, not out of frustration, but from a place of inner clarity. [05:58.0]
That’s the first point: emotional awareness, acceptance and clarity. Get in touch with what you're feeling, stop avoiding them, and use that emotional understanding to get clear on what's important to you. This is the foundation for making wise decisions, because when you're emotionally clear, your mind can focus on what really matters to you.
Okay, now let's move into the second point, making decisions from the state of your Higher Self. This is where we are going to bring in some concepts from IFS therapy or Internal Family Systems therapy.
If you're not familiar with it, here's a quick breakdown. IFS therapy is an evidence-based psychotherapeutic practice that has been proven through multiple studies. IFS looks at your mind as if it's made up of different parts, almost like a family. You've got parts that protect you, parts that hold pain or fear, and parts that want to push you forward. But beyond all of those parts, there's something deeper, your Higher Self, or what IFS calls your True Self. [06:57.0]
This True Self is different from any of those parts. It's not reactive. It's not driven by fear or anxiety, or even ambition. Instead, it's calm, confident, compassionate and clear. In IFS, they call these qualities the 8 Cs of the True Self, which are calmness, clarity, curiosity, compassion, confidence, courage, creativity and connectedness. These are the qualities that naturally emerge when you're in the state of your True Self.
So, when it comes to decision making, the goal is to get into this state as much as possible. You want to be making decisions from a place of calm and clarity, not from a part of you that's anxious or afraid—and that's where a lot of people get stuck. They let these parts, the ones that are driven by fear or pain, run the show. But those parts are often short-sighted. They're trying to protect you, yes, but they're not making decisions from a place of wisdom. The key is to access more of your True Self's energy when making decisions. [08:01.0]
Okay, so how do you do that? One powerful technique is to first notice what part of you is showing up when you're faced with an important decision. Maybe it's a part that's anxious about failure or a part that's always seeking approval. Recognize that part, and instead of letting it control your decision, engage with it from the perspective of your Higher Self, your True Self. You can say to it, “I see you. I understand why you're here.” But you don't let that part take over. Instead, you stay curious and compassionate toward it, and then, as a result, you can start to separate yourself from it.
This brings in a key concept from focusing, which is another therapeutic approach, especially that of Ann Weiser Cornell's work, and in focusing, you learn to be with, just be with your emotions or the parts of you that feel conflicted. You don't try to push them away or force a resolution right away. You simply acknowledge them. You might even say, “Something in me is feeling anxious right now” rather than “I am anxious.” By creating that bit of separation, you stop identifying completely with the emotion, and this gives your True Self more space to emerge. [09:14.2]
The more you practice this, the more you start to notice that the True Self isn't concerned with the small stuff, and from that state of calm and clarity, you can see the bigger picture, and suddenly, the fear of failure or the need for approval from others doesn't seem so pressing. You're able to focus on what really matters to you, and you can make decisions that are aligned with your higher purpose, not just reactive to the emotions of the moment.
When you make decisions from the state of the True Self, it feels different. It feels like there's more space, more openness. You're not rushing or reacting. Instead, you're responding from a place of clarity, confidence and courage, and the decisions that come from this space tend to be wiser, more thoughtful and more aligned with who you truly are. [10:01.6]
That’s the second point: make decisions from the state of your Higher Self as much as possible. When you access the qualities of calm, clarity and compassion, you make better decisions, because you're not driven by fear or the protective parts of yourself. Instead, you're operating from a place of wisdom and connection to your deeper values.
Okay, so let's move on to the third out of five points and this is all about commitment to action. Okay, so at this point, you've reached a point of clarity. You've explored your emotions. You've made room for your Higher Self to emerge and you've made a decision. Now what? This is where a lot of people get stuck. They freeze. They overthink or they hesitate waiting for the perfect moment to act. But the truth is, clarity without action is useless.
Once you've made a decision, you need to commit fully to it, no half-measures, and when I say commit, I don't just mean thinking about it or feeling good about it. I'm talking about taking immediate, decisive action, the kind of action that moves you forward and leaves no room for doubt. [11:04.7]
When you're in that state of clarity, it's like a window opens up. You have this brief period where everything is aligned and you need to take advantage of it, because the longer you wait, the more your doubts and fears will creep back in. You start second-guessing yourself. You start asking, “What if I made the wrong decision?” Before you know it, you're stuck in the same place that you were before.
What do you do instead? You take action right away. Even if it's a small step, you move forward. It's about building momentum. When you take that first small step, even if it's imperfect, you start to create a sense of commitment in yourself. You're sending a message to your brain, “I've made this decision and I'm acting on it,” and that action creates more clarity, more energy and more momentum. [11:50.6]
Now, a lot of people get hung up on the idea of taking the right action. They want everything to be perfect before they start. But here's the thing, perfection is the enemy of progress. If you wait for everything to be perfect, you'll never move. It's better to take a flawed action and course-correct along the way than to stay stuck in indecision and in action.
When you take action, you're committing not just to the decision, but also to the process. You're saying, I'm in this for the long haul and I'm willing to adjust as I go.” As you move forward, you get more information, more feedback, and you refine your approach, but none of that can happen until you start.
So, how do you build this habit of committing to action? Here's a simple trick. When you make a decision, identify the smallest possible step you can take right now to move forward. Don't overcomplicate it. Just focus on that first step, no matter how small. Then do it immediately or as soon as you can. Call that person. Send that email. Sign up for that class. Whatever it is, just take that one step, and once you've done that, focus on the next step and then the next. [13:01.8]
What you're doing here is to train your brain to associate clarity with action. The more you practice this, the easier it gets. Eventually, you'll reach a point where it becomes automatic. You make a decision and you act on it without hesitation, and that's where you'll start to see real progress in your life.
One of the biggest mistakes people make is overthinking. They get stuck in their heads, analyzing every possible outcome, trying to predict the future. But the truth is, you can't know exactly how things will turn out until you take action. Action creates clarity. Once you start moving, you'll see things from a different perspective. Opportunities will open up that you couldn't have predicted. Problems that you were worried about will disappear or become manageable, or you will rise to the occasion and become more resourceful to deal with them. But none of that happens until you commit and act.
The key takeaway here is once you've made a decision, commit fully and take immediate action. Don't wait for the perfect moment. Don't overthink it. Just move, because action builds momentum, and momentum creates progress. [14:09.7]
Hey, if you're an achiever who's been struggling when it comes to managing your emotions or navigating your relationships, I get it. So many high-performers hit a wall when it comes to emotional mastery. Maybe you've noticed that stress, frustration or anger is seeping into your personal or professional life, or you feel disconnected from those you care about.
That's where my “Emotional Mastery” program comes in. It's based on peer-reviewed, evidence-based therapeutic methods to help you find happiness, love and real fulfillment. Learn how to break free from the emotional roller coaster and start thriving in every area of your life. You can find out more at DavidTianPhD.com/EmotionalMastery. That's D-A-V-I-D-T-I-A-N-P-H-D [dot] com [slash] emotional mastery.
Okay, let's move on to the fourth point, how to manage fear and uncertainty. This is a big one. Fear and uncertainty come up in almost every major decision we face, and here's the thing, if you wait for fear or uncertainty to disappear before you act, then you'll be waiting forever. Fear isn't going anywhere, so the goal isn't to eliminate fear, but to recognize it and not let it drive your decision-making. It's not to get rid of fear, but to have more courage.
Let me illustrate this with a client of mine. Let's call him Eric. Eric was at a major crossroads in his life when he found me. He spent over a decade building a successful career, but deep down, he felt unfulfilled. He knew he wanted to switch industries, something that felt more aligned with his passions, but he was terrified. He was afraid of leaving behind everything he had worked for, afraid of failing in a new field, afraid of what others might think. [16:00.0]
Now, what a lot of people do in this situation is they try to avoid or push away that fear. They tell themselves, “I shouldn't feel this way,” or “I'll wait until I'm more confident.” But that's not how fear works. The more you push it away, the more it grows and controls you from behind the scenes.
In Eric's case, we worked on acknowledging the fear first, not trying to get rid of it, but just recognizing it for what it was. Fear is a normal part of any big change. It's there to protect us, but it doesn't always know what's best for us in the long run.
So, what do you do with that fear once you've acknowledged it? You give it a seat at the table, but you don't let it make the decisions. You listen to what it has to say. It’s probably warning you about the risks, the unknowns, and you thank that part for that, but then you bring in the rest of your inner resources. You make room for your Higher Self to guide the decision, not the part of you that's scared of failing or of being judged. [16:59.0]
There's a technique for this that's pretty simple but powerful. When you're feeling that fear, instead of trying to ignore it, instead pause and name it, say, “Something in me is feeling scared about this decision.” Notice how I didn't say, “I am scared.” By phrasing it as “something in me,” you create some distance between you and the fear. It's just one part of you, not all of you.
This helps you step back from the fear and see the bigger picture. You realize that, yes, there's a part of you that's scared, understandably, but there are other parts of you, too—there's a part of you that's excited about the possibilities. There's a part that's motivated by your values and purpose—and when you let all of those parts have their say, you can make a decision from a more balanced and grounded place.
Eric learned to do this and what he found was that once he stopped trying to fight the fear, it became less overwhelming. He could sit with it, acknowledge it, but not let it paralyze him. Eventually, he made the decision to transition into the new industry that he'd been dreaming about. It wasn't easy for him. There were moments of doubt and discomfort, but he committed to moving forward despite the fear—and now? He's thriving in his new career that feels a lot more aligned with who he is. [18:15.6]
The lesson here, or takeaway, is that fear and uncertainty are inevitable in big changes, especially when you're making decisions that stretch you beyond your comfort zone, but they don't have to control you. By acknowledging them, giving them space and then bringing in your higher qualities, like clarity, confidence and courage, you can make decisions that align with your true purpose, even when it feels uncomfortable, and that's a key part of managing fear, learning to act in the face of it.
Most of the time, the fear you're feeling isn't actually about the decision itself. It's about the uncertainty around it. “What's going to happen? What if I fail? What if people judge me?” all these what-ifs. They end up creating a cloud of uncertainty that makes it hard to see clearly. But here's the truth: certainty is an illusion. No matter how much you plan or prepare, you can't control every outcome. [19:10.0]
The best decisions often come when you're willing to step into that uncertainty and yet still trust yourself to handle whatever comes next, and that's where resilience or antifragility comes in. It's not about eliminating fear, but building the courage and strength to move through it.
One of the best ways to handle this is by taking small steps, just like Eric did. Start with a decision that feels right and take one small action in that direction. Then take the next small step and then the next. Each small action builds more confidence and reduces the grip that fear and uncertainty have on you. The more you act, the more you realize that you can handle whatever comes up, and that's how you create momentum by taking action in spite of the fear.
To wrap up this point, fear and uncertainty are normal, but they don't need to drive your decisions. Acknowledge them, listen to them, even appreciate them, but don't let them control you. When you act in the face of fear, you build resilience and self-confidence, and that's where true growth happens. [20:13.4]
All right, let's dive into the final point for today, how to leverage emotional momentum. When it comes to making decisions and sticking with them. Emotions play a huge role. But here's the thing, it's not just about getting clear on your emotions at the start of the decision. It's about using your emotions to build momentum as you go.
Once you've made a decision and committed to it, the next challenge is maintaining that commitment. It's easy to lose steam when things get hard or when the initial excitement wears off. That's where leveraging emotional momentum comes in. It's about tapping into the positive emotions surrounding your decision and using that energy to keep pushing forward, even when things get tough. [20:54.5]
Let me explain. Think about the moments in your life when you felt most energized and motivated. Those moments probably weren't just because of logic or a well-thought-out plan. They were driven by emotion. Whether it was excitement or passion, or a sense of purpose, that emotional fuel helped you follow through on your decisions. The key is to intentionally link those positive emotions to the decision you've made.
Okay, how do you do this? Start by connecting your decision to something that deeply matters to you, whether that's your values, your purpose, or a vision of the future that excites you. When your decision is aligned with something meaningful, it becomes easier to tap into positive emotions, like motivation and excitement.
Here's a simple practice. Visualize the best possible outcome of your decision. Picture yourself achieving what you set out to do. How does that feel? Let that emotion flood your body. Really lean into it. The more vividly you can imagine that, that dream outcome, the stronger the emotional charge you'll get from it. [21:58.7]
But don't stop there. Keep reinforcing that emotional link as you take action. Every time you make progress, no matter how small, take a moment to reflect on how far you've come. Celebrate those wins, even if they're small. Let them fuel your next step. Positive emotions build on each other. They create a kind of virtuous feedback loop where each small success generates more energy and motivation for the next.
It's also important to link these emotions to your reasons why you made the decision in the first place. Remind yourself of what's at stake and why this decision matters to you. Are you doing this because it aligns with your deepest values, because it will improve your life or the lives of those around you? Connect with those deeper reasons and let that emotional connection carry you through the harder moments. [22:48.7]
Now, there will be times when the emotional high isn't there. That's totally normal. You might feel tired or frustrated, or even doubtful, but that's exactly when you need to reconnect with the positive emotions behind your decision. Don't wait for motivation to magically appear. Actively create it by reminding yourself of your purpose and the outcome you're working towards, and why it's so important to you.
Now, this isn't about pretending everything’s perfect. It's about recognizing that you have the power to shift your emotional state and use that energy to keep moving forward. Even if you're not feeling great in the moment, you can still draw on those positive emotions to give yourself a boost.
Another powerful way to leverage emotional momentum is by sharing your progress with others. Whether it's friends, family or a coach, having someone who can celebrate your wins with you can amplify those positive emotions. It's like getting an extra dose of fuel to keep going. Plus, sharing your progress makes you more accountable, which reinforces your commitment to the decision. [23:52.5]
To sum this up, emotional momentum isn't just nice to have. It's crucial for maintaining the energy and drive to follow through on your decisions. Connect your decision to something meaningful to you. Visualize the best possible outcome and let that emotion fuel your actions, and then celebrate your wins along the way and keep reminding yourself of why this matters to you.
When you make it a habit to link positive emotions to your decisions, you create a powerful source of energy that will help you stay committed and take consistent action, and that's where real progress can happen.
Okay, let's take this to the next level, though. Here's something that a lot of people don't fully realize when they're making big decisions. The ultimate goal of any big decision is an emotion. Whether you're chasing a promotion, writing a book, finding a life partner, or anything else, what you're really after is an emotion. It's not the thing itself. It's the emotional payoff that you think that thing will bring you. [24:51.0]
Okay, let's break this down. Say, you're working towards a big promotion. On the surface, it might seem like the promotion itself is the goal, but it's not just about the title or the salary bump. What you're really after are the emotions tied to that achievement. Maybe you're hoping to feel proud or confident or respected or secure as a result. Or let's say, you're looking for a life partner. It's not just about being in a relationship. It's about feeling loved, connected or valued.
This concept isn't just abstract philosophy. It's backed by rigorous neuroscience. One of the most well-known neuroscientists, Antonio Damasio, wrote about this in his groundbreaking book Descartes' Error. He pointed out that emotions drive all of our decisions, whether we realize it or not. He showed that even when we think we're making rational, logical decisions, it's actually emotions that guide our choices.
His research included cases where people with brain damage lost the ability to feel emotions. And what happened? They couldn't make even small decisions anymore. They could analyze the pros and cons of a decision all day long, but they were stuck, unable to decide, because emotions are what ultimately push us to act, even if these emotions are just mere preferences. [26:03.6]
Damasio’s work highlights how emotions aren't just something to be managed. They're at the core of our decision-making. They're what give meaning to the choices that we make. Without them, decisions feel hollow and we lose the sense of direction.
The point is, whenever you make a big decision, it's crucial to ask yourself, “What emotions am I really after here? What's the feeling I'm hoping to experience once I achieve this goal? And how can I tap into that emotion right now, even before I reach this far away outcome?”
Here’s why this is so important. If you're only chasing the external result, whether it's the promotion, the relationship, or the book deal, you're setting yourself up for disappointment, because when you finally get it, you'll realize that it doesn't bring you the emotions that you're hoping for, or not for very long anyway, or worse, you get there and feel nothing. But if you understand from the beginning that your real goal is an emotional one, you can make more conscious decisions. You can choose actions that align with the emotions that you really want to cultivate in your life. [27:06.1]
There's another piece to this. Neuroscience also shows that when we make decisions driven by positive emotions like excitement, curiosity or passion, our brains work better. We're more creative. We solve problems faster and we're more resilient in the face of challenges. On the flip side, if we're making decisions from a place of fear or stress, our brains get stuck in survival mode. We become reactive, narrow-minded, and prone to making decisions that don't serve us in the long run.
So, the next time you're faced with a big decision, check in with yourself. Ask, “What am I really hoping to feel once I achieve this? Is it a sense of accomplishment, security, joy or peace? And can I find ways to start cultivating those emotions in me right now, before I even reach that far off goal?” That doesn't mean you stop striving for success, but it does mean you shift your focus from external markers of achievement to the internal emotional experience you want to create. [28:07.7]
When you approach decisions this way, you make choices that are aligned with your deeper emotional needs and values, and the process becomes a lot more fulfilling, even before you hit the finish line. Remember, the emotions that you're hoping to experience, they're already within you. It's not the promotion or the trophy or the relationship that creates those emotions. They're just triggers. The real source of those feelings comes from inside. When you realize that, you gain the freedom to make decisions based on what truly matters, instead of constantly chasing external validation.
Okay, let's quickly recap the key points we've covered in this episode, and then I'll give you an example from one of my clients that'll bring this all together.
Okay, first we talked about emotional awareness, acceptance and clarity. To make wise decisions, you need to explore your emotions fully without avoidance. Emotions give you insight into what's really going on, and once you have clarity, you can make better choices. [29:05.3]
Next we covered aligning decisions with your Higher Self. When you tap into your deeper, calm and compassionate True Self, your decisions are driven by wisdom and not by fear or stress, and that's when you can trust that you're making choices that align with your core values.
Then we move to commitment and to action. Once you've made a decision, take immediate decisive action. Don't wait for everything to be perfect. Take one step and then another to build momentum.
We also explored how to manage fear and uncertainty. It's not about eliminating fear. It's about acknowledging it and making decisions anyway. Fear doesn't have to paralyze you. Finally, we talked about leveraging emotional momentum. Use positive emotions, like excitement and joy, to fuel your follow-through. When you link your decisions to meaningful emotions, you create the energy to keep going. [29:59.4]
Now let me tell you about a client of mine. Let's call her Sarah. Sarah was stuck in a well-paying job that didn't fulfill her. She'd been thinking about starting her own business, but every time she got close to making the leap, her fear took over. She was worried about failing, about losing financial stability and about what others would think.
We started by diving into her emotions, especially the ones she was repressing. Instead of avoiding the fear, she sat with it and realized that the fear was rooted in her desire for approval. She had spent years seeking external validation through her career. Once she became clear on that, she was able to shift her focus into the state of her Higher Self, the core of her that was full of creativity, clarity and courage, and from that place, Sarah made the decision to start her business. [30:47.1]
Then here’s where things really took off for her—she didn't wait. She committed to immediate action. She signed up for a business mentorship program the very next day and started building her website that same week. The fear didn't disappear, but she acted despite it. She kept herself motivated by focusing on the emotions she wanted to feel, the excitement of building something meaningful, the joy of living on her own terms. Each small win gave her more energy to keep going and she hasn't looked back, and that's what happens when you apply these principles. You move from a place of fear and hesitation to a life of purpose and action.
All right, I hope you're able to take these points and put them into practice, and remember the ultimate goal of every decision is the emotional state you're hoping to create. Make decisions that align with that and you'll be on your way to a more fulfilling life.
Thank you so much for listening. If you liked this, give it a five-star rating on whatever platform you're listening to this on. Let me know your thoughts. Leave a comment or send me a message, and if this has helped you in any way, please share it with anyone else that you think could benefit from it.
Thank you so much again. I look forward to welcoming you to the next episode. Until then, David Tian, signing out. [31:56.6]
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