Welcome to the Masculine Psychology Podcast, where we answer key questions in relationships, attraction, success, and fulfillment. Now, here's your host, world-renowned therapist and life coach, David Tian.
David: Welcome to the Masculine Psychology Podcast. I'm David Tian, your host, and in this episode, I've got something extra special for you. If you're tired of the endless, swiping, awkward small talk and dates that seem to lead nowhere, then you are in the right place. I promise that by the end of this episode, you'll discover a natural, efficient and effective way to find good prospects for intimate partners that's authentic to who you are.
I get it, dating apps can be a real grind. They often feel like a second job with no guarantee of success. Forcing yourself to go on countless dates can be demoralizing and exhausting, and let's be real, it can feel pretty soul crushing when you're not making meaningful connections. Some couples do get married after meeting online, and that's great, but for most people, it's not an efficient or effective way to find a suitable long-term partner that truly resonates with who you really are. [01:11.0]
If this is your first episode listening to me, let me tell you who I am. I'm David Tian. I've spent over 17 years helping people from all walks of life develop deeper emotional connections and lead more fulfilling lives. I've been a university professor, a dating coach, a therapist, a speaker, but most importantly, I've been where you are. I felt the frustration and the disappointment. I know what it's like to feel like you're putting in all this effort and getting nothing in return. I don't have all the answers, but I've learned a few things along the way that I'm eager to share with you.
Okay, so today we're going to talk about a different approach, one that aligns with who you are at your core. We're going to explore how to optimize your lifestyle in a way that naturally brings potential partners into your life who are well-suited to you. No more pretending to be someone you're not, no more exhausting games, just genuine connections based on authentic mutual interests and shared passions. [02:06.6]
We'll dive into identifying activities that are meaningful and enjoyable to you, and how to incorporate social aspects into those activities. We'll also cover how to align your activities with the interests of your ideal partner and build a balanced, attractive lifestyle. Plus, we'll discuss the importance of consistency and patience in this process.
But before we dive into the first point, I want you to understand that this isn't a magic bullet. It takes time, effort and willingness to step out of your comfort zone, but I assure you, the rewards are well worth it, and if you don't do it this way, you'll be wasting years or decades of valuable time and effort. By the end of this episode, you'll have a roadmap to finding intimate partners in a way that feels natural and authentic.
Okay, so let's dive into the first of five key points that will transform how you find romantic and intimate partners, and to do so in a way that aligns with your True Self and creates genuine, authentic connections. The first point is on how to identify meaningful and enjoyable activities. [03:08.7]
First, let's talk about why self-awareness and self-discovery are so key in finding these activities. Knowing yourself is the foundation of building a life that's fulfilling and attractive to others. If you don't know what makes you happy, how can you expect to find someone who shares your interests and values?
Self-awareness is about understanding your likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses. It's about recognizing what lights you up and what drains you. This level of self-understanding allows you to choose activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. When you're engaged in something that you love, you naturally become more attractive to others because you're in your element, exuding confidence and enthusiasm. [03:52.6]
How do you figure out what activities are meaningful and enjoyable for you? It starts with exploration. Think of this as a fun, ongoing experiment where you try out different things and see what clicks with you. The goal is to discover what genuinely resonates with you.
One way to start is by brainstorming a list of hobbies and interests that you've always been curious about but have never tried or haven't prioritized. Maybe it's like rock climbing or painting, or learning a new language or playing guitar or music. Write down everything that comes to mind, no matter how random it seems. This is the brainstorming phase.
Next, take one or two of those items from your list and set aside some time to try them out. Don't worry about being good at these activities right away. The point is to see if you enjoy them, and this process is all about trial and error. Some things you'll love, some you won't, and that's perfectly normal.
Another useful exercise is to reflect on your past experiences. Think back to times when you felt truly happy and engaged. What were you doing? Who were you with? These moments can provide valuable clues about the types of activities that bring you joy, authentically. If you're still struggling to come up with ideas, consider these solo experiments. I'll give you five. [05:08.8]
The first is to take a personality assessment. The one I recommend the most is the one by Jordan Peterson on his website. I think he calls it “Understand Yourself,” and at the moment, it's 10 bucks, and it's based on the most rigorous personality-profiling assessment, which is based on the Big Five Personality Model.
Out of all the personality modeling, this one, The Big Five, has the most rigorous evidence behind it. You'll get a report on your preferences and your tendencies and a real insight into your natural makeup, or at least the part of you or subpersonality that answered the questions on the assessment. While any personality assessment will not be definitive, it can give you a good starting point for exploring new activities that align with who you are. [05:56.4]
Okay, here's a second suggestion. Journal your interests. You can spend 10 to 15 minutes each day just writing about what interests you, to yourself. This could be anything from a book that you enjoyed or a topic that you're passionate about, or a skill that you'd like to learn. Over time, you should see patterns emerging that highlight what you're naturally drawn to.
A third suggestion is to attend workshops or classes and subjects that intrigue you. This could be anything from cooking to coding. These short term commitments give you a taste of different activities without a long-term investment.
A fourth suggestion is to volunteer. You can find causes that matter to you and get involved. Volunteering can introduce you to new experiences and new people, helping you uncover interests that you might not have considered.
A fifth suggestion is to set aside time for meditation or quiet reflection. Focus on your feelings and thoughts about various activities and interests as you let your mind roam. This practice can help you tune into what truly excites and fulfills you and helps you access that from your unconscious. [07:03.8]
Okay, remember, the goal is to have fun with this process. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to find the perfect activity right away. Enjoy the journey of discovering what makes you happy. By identifying activities that are meaningful and enjoyable, you're not just filling your time. You're creating a lifestyle that reflects who you are at your core, and this authenticity will naturally attract others who share these passions and values.
Okay, let's move on to the second point, incorporating social aspects into these activities. Once you've identified the activities that bring you joy and fulfillment, the next step is to tweak these activities to include other people, social elements. This way you create opportunities to meet potential partners naturally. The idea here is to take the things you love and make them more social. This does not mean that you have to then join a dating club or attend singles’ events, thank God. Instead, you want to engage in activities that naturally involve other people who share your interests. [08:02.8]
This is really important if, for example, you've discovered your passion is playing guitar, but now you find yourself playing alone in your room, practicing guitar for hours every day. This will not help you meet your potential partner, so you've just got to tweak it so that it involves other people and brings you into the orbit or brings into your orbit potential partners.
Let’s say you've discovered, for example, that you love hiking. Instead of just hitting the trails alone, look for hiking groups or clubs, hiking clubs in your area. These groups often organize regular hikes, which not only gives you a chance to enjoy the activity, but also to meet others who enjoy it, too. It's a relaxed, natural way to connect with people over a shared passion. Or another example, maybe you’ve found that you enjoy painting, so instead of just painting alone in your room, check out local art classes or workshops. These settings are perfect for meeting people, because you're all there to learn and create together. Plus, having a common interest gives you an easy conversation starter. [09:01.8]
If you're into fitness, instead of just working out alone all the time with your headphones on, being very antisocial, consider joining a group fitness class or sports league, whether it's yoga, CrossFit, soccer or tennis. These environments foster camaraderie, teamwork, and make it easier to build connections naturally while you're doing the thing that you enjoy. You'll get fit and expand your social circle at the same time.
Okay, let's make this more concrete with a client example. Meet Alex, we'll call him. He was a software developer when he came to me in his early-30s, and Alex was passionate about cooking, but had been doing it solo at home this whole time. He loved experimenting with new recipes and techniques, but he found it hard to meet new people through cooking, so we talked about ways to incorporate social elements into his passion for cooking.
First, Alex started attending local cooking classes, and these classes were a total game changer for him. Not only did he learn new things at the class, but he also met people who shared his interest in culinary arts. The environment was relaxed and friendly. He had a good time, and it made it really easy to strike up conversations. He even made a few friends from each class and found out about other cooking-related events in the area. [10:15.7]
Next, we had Alex join a cooking club that met about once a month. Members would take turns hosting dinner parties where everyone contributed a dish. This club became a significant part of his social life. He enjoyed the shared experience of cooking and dining together, and it gave him a really natural way to meet new people, including potential romantic partners.
Alex also started volunteering at a community kitchen that prepared meals for the homeless in his area. This not only aligned with his passion for cooking, but it also allowed him to give back to the community, to fulfill his need for contribution. Through this experience, he met likeminded people who valued both cooking and contribution, and it added a new layer of meaning to his passion and to his life, and greatly expanded his social network in very meaningful ways. [11:07.0]
By incorporating social aspects into his solitary cooking activity, Alex created multiple avenues to meet new people and he ended up building a vibrant social life around something he genuinely loved, which made him happier and more fulfilled. And guess what? He eventually met his current girlfriend at one of the cooking club's dinner parties, and obviously, they connected over their shared love for food and a lot more.
The key takeaway here is to look for ways to make your activities that you enjoy social. You can join groups, clubs or classes that align with your interests. You can attend events or meetups related to them, to your hobbies. You can volunteer for causes that matter to you and involve group work. The goal is to engage in activities where you can naturally meet and connect with others who are also interested in those activities. [11:58.2]
All right, now, let's get into the third key point, align your activities with your ideal partner's interests. Okay, so this step involves envisioning your ideal partner and understanding what activities that person might enjoy. By doing this, you can integrate these activities into your routine, increasing your chances of meeting someone naturally, who shares your interests and values.
Okay, so first, let's talk about this concept of envisioning or imagining, or visualizing your ideal partner. Take a moment to picture the kind of person you'd love to spend your life with. What would that person's hobbies be? What passions would drive them? What kind of activities would fill their days? This isn't about indulging in a fantasy, but rather getting a clear picture of the goal of the traits and interests that would align with yours.
Okay, once you have this vision clear, the next step is to see if those activities genuinely interest you. It's important to be honest with yourself here. If you're not genuinely interested in something, it will come across as inauthentic, and that's not what we're aiming for. The goal is to find common ground that feels natural and enjoyable for you. [13:12.4]
For example, if you envision your ideal partner loving the outdoors, activities like hiking, camping or kayaking might come to mind, and ask yourself if these activities appeal to you. If the answer is yes, great, start integrating them more into your weekly routine. If not, that's okay, too, but it's going to be something interesting to discuss and explore with your therapist or therapeutic coach for why you would want your ideal partner to do that, but that you aren't personally interested in it. Or maybe there are other outdoor activities that you could explore that feel more aligned with your interests and are adjacent to the ones in your vision of your ideal partner.
Okay, so let's say you picture your ideal partner being passionate about fitness. You can check out different fitness classes or sports leagues until you find one that excites you. It could be yoga, martial arts, dance class. The key is to find something that you enjoy for its own sake, so you'll naturally be more engaged and enthusiastic in it. [14:11.8]
Okay, let's get even more practical with an exercise to help you align your activities with your ideal partner's activities or interests. Here’s what I would recommend, and I'll, again, suggest, five things.
The first I would suggest is to create a vision board. Just get a blank piece of paper or you can start a digital board, or you can just create an album in your photo album in your phone, and start gathering images or words or ideas that represent your ideal partner and your ideal partner's interests. This could include pictures of activities or places, or even quotes that resonate with the kind of person you envision. You can also look for images of couples of the kind of couple life that you would want. Stick those onto your vision board or your vision album. The visual representation will help you solidify this vision of yours. [15:01.4]
Second, based on your vision board, make a list of activities that your ideal partner would enjoy. Include a variety of options here. Don't get too narrow. You can include from outdoor adventures to creative pursuits, and don't limit yourself. Let your imagination run wild.
Now, the third step is to rate your interest. Go through your list and rate your genuine interest in each activity on a scale from one to 10, and be completely honest with yourself. You're looking for activities that score at least a seven or preferably higher. These are the ones that you'll want to spend some time to explore further.
Okay, now the fourth step, which is to experiment and then reflect. Choose one or two of the top-rated activities on that list and explore integrating them into your routine. Try them out for a few weeks and keep a journal to reflect on your experiences in them. Ask yourself how you feel during and after the activity. Did you enjoy it? Does it energize you? Are you meeting new people who share your enthusiasm? Are you liking those new people? [16:08.2]
Then the fifth step is to adjust and calibrate as you go along. After a few weeks, review that journal. Review the list. See how you feel about these activities. If you're still enjoying them and meeting interesting people, then keep going and maybe double down on it. But if not, don't be afraid to tweak your approach or try something completely new from that list.
By aligning your activities with the interests of your ideal partner, you're creating natural opportunities to meet likeminded people in environments where you naturally thrive and enjoy. This not only increases your chances of meeting someone special, but it also ensures that you're engaging in activities that already bring you joy and fulfillment, and are already worth doing for their own sake. [16:52.6]
No matter their physical strength, for many men, emotions are too much for them to handle. It's why they can't give women the deeper levels of emotional intimacy and connection that they crave. It's why they fail to be the man that modern women desire most: a man with inner strength, a man who has mastered his emotions.
Find out how to master your emotions through David Tian's “Emotional Mastery” program. The Emotional Mastery program is a step-by-step system that integrates the best of empirically-verified psychotherapy methods and reveals how to master your internal state and develop the inner strength that makes you naturally attractive, happy, and fulfilled.
Learn more about this transformational program by going to DavidTianPhD.com/EmotionalMastery.
That's D-A-V-I-D-T-I-A-N-P-H-D [dot] com [slash] emotional mastery.
Okay, now let's get into the fourth point, which is building a balanced and attractive lifestyle. This step is crucial, because creating a well-rounded life not only makes you more attractive to potential partners, but also enhances your overall sense of wellbeing. When you're leading a balanced life, you naturally radiate confidence, happiness, stability, all qualities that naturally draw good people in. [18:14.6]
Okay, first let's talk about what a balanced lifestyle might look like. It's not just about having a packed schedule or being busy all the time. It's about integrating key aspects of your life in a way that promotes harmony, fulfillment and longevity. These aspects include health, fitness, personal growth and social engagement.
Okay, so let's quickly look at each of these in a little bit more detail. Starting with health and fitness, taking care of your body is fundamental. It's the foundation. If you're not healthy and fit, you can't really do or enjoy anything else. When you're healthy and fit, you feel better. You have more energy. You exude vitality.
This, of course, doesn't mean that you need to become a gym rat or obsess over your diet. That's no fun either. It's about finding a sustainable routine or regimen that works for you. Maybe that's hitting the gym every day or a few times a week, or going for regular runs in nature, or even taking up a team sport or group sport or paired sport that you enjoy. The key here is consistency and longevity. [19:17.8]
Eating well is another crucial aspect, of course, to health and fitness, and fitness. Maybe even more important now, you don't need to or probably shouldn't try to force yourself to follow a strict diet, but aim for a balanced diet, balanced meals that nourish your body. Drink plenty of water. Get enough sleep. Don't forget to indulge yourself occasionally, though, because it's all about balance and longevity.
Okay, the next area is personal growth, and under this category, I encompass emotional intelligence and mental and emotional health, psychological wellbeing, under this big category of personal growth. This could mean in terms of activities, reading books or taking courses, preferably group courses that put you in touch with other classmates, or developing new skills. [20:02.5]
It's about continually expanding your mind and your heart, and improving yourself in these areas. When you're committed to your own personal growth, to investing in your own self, and the payoff of investing in yourself is your whole life, then you become more interesting automatically and you'll experience a more dynamic life. Plus, it gives you a lot more to talk about and share with other people, and hopefully, if you tweak it, as you’ve followed one of our earlier suggestions, if you tweak your personal growth, it will bring you in touch with and naturally connect you with people with shared interests.
Okay, the third area is social engagement. We, human beings, are social creatures. Building and maintaining relationships is essential for a fulfilling life. This doesn't just mean romantic relationships, but it also includes friendships and family connections, too. Make time to socialize, whether it’s joining clubs, attending events, or simply hanging out with friends. Social engagement enriches your life and is a natural human need, and it provides a support network that can be invaluable. Out of all the different areas, this one may be the most impactful on your longevity and your lasting fulfillment in life. [21:16.6]
Then the fourth area is simply balancing, balancing all the other areas. How do you balance all these elements? It's about prioritizing and being mindful of how you spend your time. Create a weekly routine that includes time for fitness, personal growth, and social activities. This might mean scheduling workouts in the mornings, or dedicating an hour in the evening for reading or learning, and maybe setting aside weekends for socializing.
The benefits of living a balanced life extend well beyond romantic or intimate pursuits. When you're taking care of your personal health, growing as a person, staying socially active, you will automatically feel more fulfilled and happy, and this inner contentment radiates from within outwards and makes you naturally more attractive to others, and naturally a lot less needy. [22:07.8]
On top of that, a well-rounded lifestyle provides a much needed sense of stability. It shows that you're grounded and have your life together, which is incredibly appealing to potential partners. Now, it's not about being perfect, but about striving for a life that's fulfilled and balanced.
Okay, let's take an example. Let's take Sam, one of my clients. Sam was a successful lawyer, but he felt like something was missing. He worked long hours and had little time for anything else. His social life was almost nonexistent, and he was feeling completely burnt out. We worked on incorporating balance into his life.
Sam started small. He started with exercising and then exercising regularly, taking up a sport that he enjoyed, and he eventually settled on tennis, which is a great sport for its social dimensions. He had to join a club for it so that he could get tennis partners, and it was also great for, obviously, fitness. [23:08.0]
He then made time for personal growth, reading books on topics that he was naturally interested in, and he was taking online courses that had a live element that would put him in touch with other students in small groups. He reconnected with his friends and made an effort to socialize more, even offering to host gatherings. He made thorough use of my Lifestyle Mastery online program, and over time, Sam ended up feeling more energized, happier and more fulfilled.
Plus, he expanded his social network and social circle tenfold, and it created the conditions to naturally connect him with attractive potential partners, and it made him more attractive to these potential partners. Eventually, he met someone special at a social event that he attended through his tennis club. [23:58.0]
The takeaway here is to strive for balance, focus on health, fitness, personal growth, social engagement. This will not only enhance your life, but also make you more attractive to others and bring you in touch with other people who are attractive.
All right, let's dive into the fifth and final point, which is consistency and patience. This might be the most important part of the process, because it's the one that makes it work. It's about sticking with the plan, with your activities, building your life, building your lifestyle, and being patient as you meet new people.
Building genuine connections and friendships necessarily takes time. Rushing them or getting impatient, or getting needy about it won't get you anywhere. In fact, it will always backfire. Consistency is key here, so when you commit to an activity or a new habit, you need to stick with it, give it a chance, right? It's not about doing something once or twice and expecting immediate results. [24:50.5]
Real growth and meaningful connections come from regular engagement. Whether it's joining a club, attending a class or volunteering, make it a part of your weekly routine. Show up regularly. Be present. Participate fully, and patience is especially crucial. Meeting new people and forming deep connections doesn't happen overnight. It's a process that requires consistency. You might not click with everyone right away, and that's normal. The goal is to build a network of genuine connections and a lifestyle that puts you in touch with the type of people that you want to meet naturally, just by you doing these activities, and this will eventually lead to meeting good potential partners for you.
Let’s look at another case study to illustrate this. Let's meet Jake. Let's say his name is [Jake], a 35-year-old marketing exec who felt stuck in his dating life when he sought me out. He was tired of the dating apps and wanted a more authentic way to meet people, so we worked on identifying activities that he genuinely enjoyed and then helped him integrate them into his monthly routine. [25:55.3]
It turned out, Jake loved photography, but he'd always done it by himself alone, so I encouraged him to join a local photography club and attend meetups and workshops on photography in the style that he was really into. He started going to these events regularly, and at first, it felt quite awkward for him since he didn't know anyone there, but he kept showing up, participating and engaging with others.
Over time, Jake built friendships within the photo clubs. He began collaborating on projects and going on group photo walks. Through these consistent interactions, he got to know people better in these clubs and they got to know him better, and one of these connections turned into a close friendship, and eventually, then turned into a romantic relationship with a woman that was the sister of one of the guys that was in his photography club, and his sister also shared his passion for photography and art. [26:50.0]
Jake's story highlights the importance of consistency and patience. He didn't meet his current girlfriend on his first day at the club. It took months of regular participation and building trust within these groups, but because he stuck with it and was patient, he was sort of vetted by the brother of his current girlfriend, and ended up forming genuine connections, not just with her, but with a lot of other friends that have turned into genuine friendships.
It's essential to approach this process with an open mind and a focus on building genuine friendships. Don't pressure yourself to find a romantic partner immediately. Enjoy the activities for their own sake and get to know the people that you meet along the way. Be authentic. Be yourself. Let the connections develop naturally.
Building genuine friendships first creates a strong foundation for any potential intimate relationship. When you form connections based on shared interest, shared passion, shared values, they will transition to something more intimate or romantic, and will feel organic and natural. Plus, these friendships will enrich your life, regardless of whether they turn into anything more, like anything more romantic or intimate. [28:00.0]
So, how do you stay consistent and patient? Start by setting realistic expectations. Understand that meaningful connections that you're hoping will last and stand the test of time take time to develop. Don't get discouraged if you don't see immediate results, focus on the journey rather than the destination. Create a schedule that allows you to engage in your chosen activities regularly. Make it a priority in your life. Remember, the goal is to enjoy these activities for their own sake and the people that you meet for their own sake, not just to find an intimate partner.
Finally, keep a positive attitude. Celebrate the small wins along the way, like new friendships, fun experiences, or any personal learning or growth. Each step forward is progress, even if it doesn't immediately lead to an intimate relationship.
Okay, let's wrap things up by recapping the major points that I've covered so far. I laid out a natural, efficient and effective way to find good prospects for intimate partners that's authentic to who you are. [28:59.6]
First, we talked about identifying meaningful and enjoyable activities. This is about self-awareness and self-discovery. Spend some time exploring different hobbies and interests and passions and reflect on what genuinely resonates with you. Try out new things and see what sticks. Remember the exercises that I mentioned, taking personality tests, journaling your interests, attending workshops, volunteering, meditating. These can all help you pinpoint what you truly enjoy.
Second, I discussed incorporating social aspects into these activities, about tweaking those activities to involve other people. Don’t just do things solo. Join clubs. Attend classes. Participate in group events. This makes it easier to meet people who share your passions.
I mentioned the example of Alex, who took his love for cooking and turned it into a social activity by attending classes, joining a cooking club and volunteering at the community kitchen. These changes made his passion more social and led him to meet new people, including his current girlfriend. [29:59.0]
Third, I talked about aligning activities with your ideal partner's interests. Envision your ideal partner. Think about what they might enjoy. Assess your genuine interests in these activities, and then integrate those into your routine, starting from the ones that you're most interested in.
The exercise here involved creating a vision board, listing the potential activities, rating your interests in each of them, experimenting with the top activities and working your way down, and reflecting on your experiences along the way. This helps you engage in activities that not only attract potential partners, but also bring you joy intrinsically.
Then, fourth, I emphasized the importance of building a balanced and attractive lifestyle. Focus on health, fitness, personal growth and social engagement. This not only makes you more attractive to others, but also enhances your overall wellbeing. Balance your routine by integrating regular exercise, eating well, investing in your own personal growth, and maintaining a social life. This approach creates a fulfilling and well-rounded life that naturally attracts others to you. [31:02.4]
Finally, I stressed the importance of consistency and patience. Stick with your activities and be patient as you meet new people. Building genuine connections takes time. Remember Jake's story. He consistently engaged in his passion for photography, built friendships within the club, and eventually, met his partner. Approach this process with an open mind and focus on building genuine friendships and connections first. This foundation will then lead to romantic relationships naturally.
So, there you have it, five key points to help you find romantic and intimate partners in a way that's authentic and fulfilling to you. Start by identifying what makes you happy intrinsically. Make it social. Just tweak it to make it social. Align it with your ideal partner's interests, and then create a balanced lifestyle, and then back it up with consistence and patience. This journey is about enjoying the process and letting these connections develop naturally. [31:58.7]
Thank you so much for listening. If this has helped you in any way, please share it with anyone else that you think could benefit from it.
This might be the final episode of the Masculine Psychology podcast. It is as of this recording in terms of the schedule, so if it is, I thank you so much, for those who have been following along. It's been over three years that I've been making these podcast episodes every week. Now my work has evolved in a big enough of a way that it necessitates a new podcast focus, so look out for that coming up. Again, I thank you so much for listening to this episode and supporting me in this podcast. If this has helped you in any way, please share it with anyone else that you think could benefit from it.
Thank you again so much. This is David Tian, signing out. [32:41.8]
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