Welcome to the Masculine Psychology Podcast, where we answer key questions in relationships, attraction, success, and fulfillment. Now, here's your host, world-renowned therapist and life coach, David Tian.
David: Welcome to the Masculine Psychology podcast. I'm David Tian, your host. In this episode, we're getting into the challenge that haunts many achievers, which is overcoming the neediness that stems from the belief that we have to earn every bit of love and approval in our lives. This episode is especially for you, the high achievers or those who strive to be high achievers, and we're going to expose the trap where the more you try, the more you find yourself sinking deeper into neediness, what I've called in the past the do-more trap. [00:52.5]
Okay, let's break down why this matters so much. If you're stuck in this cycle of constant striving for approval, you're setting yourself up for a life where unconditional love is out of reach. If your love has to be earned, then it's always conditional. What happens then? You're never really able to relax. You never truly enjoy life, because there's this underlying nagging belief that your worth, your love, your very place in the world has to be constantly earned.
This relentless drive doesn't just stop with you. It spills over, affecting every relationship you have, friendships, intimate relationships, relationships with your children. They all suffer, because you're never really open to just receiving love without conditions, because that's not the way that you interact with yourself. You can't love yourself without conditions. Therefore you're not present with others. You're too busy trying to prove your worth again and again, scared that if you stop, the love and approval will stop, too. [01:56.0]
But what if you could step out of this need to perpetually do more to earn your self-worth? What if you could just be and that was enough? That's what we're exploring today. How do you get there? How do you shift from earning to deserving, from seeking approval to affirming your own worth from within? This shift is crucial, because as long as you're caught in the trap of earning love, you're missing out on the rich, fulfilling relationships that come from just being genuinely present, secure in your worth from just being.
When you're always in the mode of proving yourself, even unconsciously, you can't truly connect with others or with yourself, and people who are mature sense that. They feel the barrier that you unconsciously or consciously put up, the one you think you need to maintain to keep them loving you, approving of you, liking you. [02:53.0]
But what if you could be worthy of love just for who you are, not for what you do? That's the freedom that we're aiming for here. So, in today's episode, we're going to dissect why high achievers tend to fall into this trap more easily and how we can begin to dismantle these patterns. We'll look into how these beliefs are formed, how they affect our relationships now, and most importantly, how you can start to change or transform or shift this narrative within yourself.
By understanding the roots of this neediness, you can start to free yourself from it. It's time to change the way you think about worth, love and achievement. Let's learn how to stop doing and start being. All right, so let's unpack this further so that we can understand this cycle of neediness, especially in achievers.
Why do achievers often find themselves caught in the web of needing to do more and more? It's rooted deeply in our identities, particularly the identity that was shaped during our formative years. As children, all of us experiment with different strategies to get the love, attention and approval that we crave from those around us, our parents, caretakers, even early teachers. [04:05.2]
Karen Horney, a brilliant psychoanalyst and one of the pioneers of psychoanalysis, mapped out these strategies into three types, moving towards, moving against, and moving away from people. I like to teach this in terms of the pleaser, the rebel, and the recluse. The pleaser is the one that moves towards, the rebel moves against, and the recluse moves away from people.
These aren't just random behaviors. They're survival strategies. When we were kids, we probably tried them all out, but, eventually, most of us settled on one as our go-to default strategy. Now, achievers tend to be a subset of the pleaser strategy, though there certainly are a minority of achievers who are doing it as a rebellion strategy, but most achievers are achieving in order to please. [04:54.6]
We figured out early on that by achieving, whether in academics, sports or even in social settings, we could please our primary caregivers and the people that we wanted to secure love, attention and approval from. It was effective way back then, but as we carried this strategy into adulthood, it morphs into a double edged sword.
Now, let's connect the dots to why this becomes a form of neediness. When our primary way to feel worthy and loved is tied to achieving, our sense of self-worth becomes entirely dependent on external validation. Every award, every accolade becomes a tiny hit of approval that fades fast, pushing us to seek out the next and the next. It's a relentless cycle where we're only as good as our last success.
Now, let's bring Karen Horney back into this conversation. She talked about neurotic needs, which are essentially irrational demands that we make on ourselves that can dominate our behavior. For many achievers, the neurotic needs for approval and affection are overwhelming. These needs drive you to constantly seek out achievements as a way to fulfill these needs. But the fulfillment is only temporary. It's never truly satisfying. [06:11.0]
Okay, let me give you an example to illustrate the point. I worked with a client, let's call him John. John was a top performer in his firm, a real star, but he was miserable. Despite every new success, every project he aced, the satisfaction was fleeting. He was constantly anxious, always looking for the next project, the next challenge. Why? Because his worth in his eyes was tied to what he achieved, not who he was.
John's story isn't unique among achievers. His behavior was a textbook case of moving towards people as a pleaser. From a very young age, he learned that his value was contingent on his performance. This realization didn't hit him until much later in life when he noticed that despite his successes, he felt incredibly lonely and disconnected. His relationships were superficial at best, because he was never really present with them. He was always partly thinking about the next achievement. [07:12.6]
As we worked together through the therapeutic process, John began to see how his neurotic need for approval had dictated much of his life. His neediness wasn't just about needing people to like him. It was deeper. He needed them to admire him, to see him as a success, and this need drove him to push harder and achieve more, but at the cost of his own emotional wellbeing.
Now, let's talk about how this dependency on external validation plays out in everyday life. Achievers like John often find that their relationships start to suffer. Why? Because when you're constantly seeking validation, you're not fully engaging or connecting with others. You're not authentically listening or giving, or opening up. Instead, you're performing, and those who are more emotionally mature will detect this instinctively as a kind of try-hard behavior. Relationships become another stage on which they can prove their worth, rather than opportunities for genuine connection. [08:18.6]
This realization is crucial for achievers who are stuck in the neediness cycle. Recognizing that you're striving for external approval is actually a deeply ingrained strategy, a default mode that has dictated your actions and reactions for much of your life. That's the first step in breaking free.
So, how do you start to dismantle this neediness? It begins with self-awareness, understanding that your actions are driven by these deep-seated needs. That alone is powerful. It allows you to start questioning whether this constant striving for approval and admiration is actually serving you. Is it making you happy? Is it allowing you to form meaningful connections or is it keeping you trapped in a cycle of temporary highs followed by inevitable lows? [09:11.5]
For many achievers, acknowledging these patterns is both liberating and daunting, liberating because it explains so much of their internal turmoil, daunting because changing these patterns requires real, often challenging work. But it's necessary work if you want to move from a life of conditional achievement to one of unconditional self-worth and love.
Moving forward, the goal for any achiever listening to this is to start reevaluating your relationship with achievement. Instead of viewing achievements as the source of your worth, begin to see them as expressions of your skills and passions. This shift in perspective is subtle but profound. It means you no longer perform for approval. You achieve because it's a true reflection of your interests and values and passions. [10:05.1]
This process is a journey. It's not overnight. It involves peeling back layers of long-standing behaviors and beliefs, but the end result, a sense of worth that comes from within, not from the applause of the crowd out there, it's worth every step of the journey. It's about becoming secure in who you are, not just in what you can do.
Now, notice how success can often serve as a mask for underlying insecurities, like a band-aid that covers up but never really heals the wounds underneath. This concept is often discussed in psychology as narcissistic supply. Narcissistic supply refers to anything that feeds the fragile ego of individuals who are dependent on external validation, and for many high achievers success is just that, a way to bolster self-esteem, but it only works temporarily at best. [10:59.2]
While these achievements can make you feel good momentarily, they're like sugar rushes. They don't last, and when the rush fades, you're left feeling just as empty, if not emptier than before. This is because continuous achievements act as a distraction. They keep you busy, so busy, in fact, that you don't have time to sit with and truly understand what's going on inside you, your emotional states, the thoughts and feelings that you're suppressing and, eventually, repressing. Instead of confronting and dealing with your insecurities, you're out there chasing the next big success, hoping that it will finally fill that void inside.
Okay, let's contrast two types of achievers. Those who have recognized the emptiness of their achievements and those who are still caught up in the cycle of seeking validation through success. The ones who recognize the emptiness understand that no amount of external accolades can bring genuine self-worth or happiness. They've begun the hard work of looking inward, identifying their insecurities, and addressing them directly. [12:03.5]
This not only leads to a healthier self-image, but also enriches their personal and romantic relationships. They're able to be more present, more authentic, and more connected with others, because they're no longer preoccupied with proving themselves.
On the other hand, achievers who haven't yet recognized this emptiness continue to chase success after success. They might seem to have it all on the outside, but inside, they often struggle with feelings of inadequacy and dissatisfaction. In their personal lives, this can lead to relationships that are superficial or strained. Since they're constantly seeking approval and validation, they can't offer the emotional depth and stability that strong relationships require.
In the end, achievers are among the loneliest people in the world, but they're often so distracted that they don't notice their underlying desperate loneliness and alienation. [12:56.6]
Let me tell you about another client. Let's call him Edward. Edward was a high-flying executive, always on the move, always ticking off the next goal on his list. On paper, he was a picture of success, but he came to me because his relationships kept falling apart. He felt disconnected from his girlfriends and each relationship ended with him feeling more alone than ever.
Through the therapeutic work that we did together in his sessions, it became clear that Edward used his success as a shield. He was so afraid of being seen as inadequate that he never let his guard down. His partners felt this distance and it prevented any real connection, and it took us a really long time to get through that shield or to win the trust of his protective parts so that they could let down, put down their shields. Working together, Edward began to realize that his relentless pursuit of success was a way to avoid facing his deeper fears and underlying insecurities. [13:56.1]
This realization was really tough for him. It meant dismantling the very identity that he had built and celebrated for most of his life, but it also opened a path to a more authentic, fulfilling life, and slowly, Edward started to step back from his unending chase for achievement. He began to explore his true interests or things that brought him joy rather than just accolades or approval.
This shift, of course, didn't happen overnight, but it made all the difference in how he related to others, and how he felt about himself and his whole experience of life. For achievers listening, take a moment to reflect on this. How much of your pursuit of success is genuinely about your passions? How much is it about proving something either to yourself or to others? It's a key question because the answer will determine the quality of your life and your relationships. [14:53.0]
If you find that your drive for success is more about masking insecurities, or compensating for them, consider what might happen if you started to address those insecurities directly. What if you allowed yourself to have the courage to be open and vulnerable to acknowledge your fears and self-doubt, to yourself first and maybe with a trusted friend or professional, without rushing to cover them up with some other achievement or distraction?
This process is not easy, yes, but it is required for a truly fulfilling life. Achievement can be fulfilling, but only when it stems from a genuine interest and passion, not from a desperate need for external validation. For those who make the shift, life becomes richer, of course. You start to enjoy relationships that are built on real connections, not transactional relationships. You engage with the world more authentically, and ironically, you often find that achievement comes with greater ease and less anxiety. [15:57.0]
Remember that uncovering and addressing your insecurities doesn't mean that you stop striving or accomplishing. It simply means you strive from a place of wholeness and self-understanding, and flow rather than emptiness and fear. It's about transforming the foundation from which you operate, which makes all the difference in your emotional wellbeing and the quality of your connections. This isn't just about achieving less. Instead, it's about living more. [16:25.5]
No matter their physical strength, for many men, emotions are too much for them to handle. It's why they can't give women the deeper levels of emotional intimacy and connection that they crave. It's why they fail to be the man that modern women desire most: a man with inner strength, a man who has mastered his emotions.
Find out how to master your emotions through David Tian's “Emotional Mastery” program. The Emotional Mastery program is a step-by-step system that integrates the best of empirically-verified psychotherapy methods and reveals how to master your internal state and develop the inner strength that makes you naturally attractive, happy, and fulfilled.
Learn more about this transformational program by going to DavidTianPhD.com/EmotionalMastery.
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Now shifting gears a bit, let's explore a transformative approach to this that can help high achievers break free from the cycle of neediness and this is the Internal Family Systems therapy model. If you have been listening to my podcast, you would know this model quite well. I've been mentioning it in pretty much every episode.
IFS therapy is a powerful, evidence-based psychotherapeutic model that allows us to better understand and heal our internal emotional landscape. It's especially effective for those who found themselves stuck in patterns of neediness, tied to accomplishments. [17:55.7]
IFS introduces us to an idea called the True Self. Okay, this is a concept of your core Self, unburdened by your sub-personalities or your parts, which are aspects of your psyche formed to handle various aspects of life. The True Self is naturally calm, curious, compassionate, confident, and courageous. These are qualities that are innate to your True Self and will lead to healing.
In the IFS model, the True Self is seen as inherently capable of meeting all of your emotional needs and knows how to manage each part of you, providing what's necessary for each of them to heal and how to integrate those parts into a harmonious whole, a harmonious balanced system.
Now, okay, what does this have to do with neediness? Okay, everything. Neediness arises when parts of ourselves feel insecure or undervalued, parts that are desperately trying to secure external approval or validation, or attention or love, because they believe it's essential for their survival. The IFS therapeutic process helps by identifying these parts, understanding their intentions, and then healing them through the compassionate presence of the True Self. [19:13.4]
Okay, so let me illustrate this by telling you about a client, let's call him Mark. Mark, who was also an executive, when he came to see me, he was struggling with feelings of inadequacy, despite his professional success. On the surface, of course, Mark had everything anyone could want. He’s got a career. He's got a beautiful family. He’s got his health and fitness. But, internally, he was a mess. He was constantly needing external validation to feel enough, to feel okay even.
Through the therapeutic process, we discovered several parts of him that drove his neediness. He had a striver part that pushed him to work obsessively, fearing that he'd otherwise be seen as unworthy, and he had a pleaser part that was terrified of disappointing others. Both of these parts were exhausted and were exhausting him, making it impossible to enjoy his achievements. [20:05.1]
Using the therapeutic process, we worked on getting Mark to reconnect with his True Self and allow the parts to trust his Higher Self, his True Self, more and make more room inside his psyche for his Higher Self to be present. This meant helping his parts to step back and trust his Higher Self to engage with the neediest parts of him that, in IFS speak, we call exiles, rather than dismissing them or pushing them away, which his protective parts often did. Instead, we encouraged dialogue with these parts of him that he felt were so needy.
Mark’s Higher Self listened to the fears and needs of the striver part and the pleaser part, offered them reassurance and support continually, and this internal compassion and understanding allowed these protective parts to relax enough, secure in the knowledge that they were not alone and that they didn't need to carry all of that burden themselves. [21:05.2]
Over time, Mark began to feel less driven to seek constant validation. He started making choices that were aligned more with his core values rather than just achieving to please. His relationships improved because he was no longer interacting from a place of neediness. Instead, he was more present, grounded and genuinely connected with others.
This transformation, of course, wasn't immediate. It required consistent effort, and a willingness to meet and understand these parts of himself, but the payoff was like night and day for him. Mark moved from seeking endless external validation to finding a profound sense of internal fulfillment. His neediness dissipated, replaced by a confident reliance on his own internal sources of validation and self-worth. [21:54.5]
For those of you listening, think about what it would mean for you to operate from your True Self, your Higher Self. Imagine interacting with a world, not as a collection of needy parts, but as a whole integrated person. This doesn't mean that you no longer strive to achieve, but that you do so from a place of fullness, not emptiness.
The IFS therapy model offers a path to this kind of transformation. It invites us to recognize and embrace all the parts of ourselves, all of them, providing them with a healing presence of our True Selves, and as achievers, this approach can change not just how we achieve, but why we do it in the first place. It moves us from performing to living authentically, from needing to sharing, from seeking approval to offering our presence.
Okay, so now let's get into some practical steps that you can take to cultivate self-sufficiency and your self-independence, and build a healthier relationship with your Higher Self. [22:56.0]
First on the list is getting to know the different parts of yourself. This is a foundational step in IFS therapy. Each part has its own perspective, feelings, memories, goals. They're like distinct sub-personalities with their own voices within your own psyche of this, the system of your psyche, each of these parts reacting to situations in ways that they believe are protective, or in any case, with a positive intent.
But to get these parts to relax enough and to stop overwhelming you with neediness for external validation, you first need to identify and communicate with them, and here's a great way to start. You can use some meditations designed specifically for IFS therapy, like those by Richard Schwartz, the founder of IFS therapy. Richard, his last name is Schwartz, S-C-H-W-A-R-T-Z, and these are available for free on the Insight Timer app, the free version. Insight Timer, it's a great app. These guided meditations provide a structured way to meet and interact with your own parts, allowing you to understand their fears and motivations, and reassure them with a compassionate presence of your Higher Self. [24:05.3]
In addition, I've developed tools in my therapeutic courses like Freedom U, and my program Emotional Mastery, as well as in my therapeutic coaching groups, which are designed to help you discover and build a trusting relationship with your parts, and to do so in a supportive environment.
We dive deep into exercises that help you map out your internal system, identify each of your parts’ roles, and learn how to self-lead as your True Self. It's about building a system within where parts don't feel that they need to scramble around for external validation, because they are heard and supported internally fully by you.
Next, let's get into the importance of values and authenticity. Are our actions aligned with our values or are we just reacting to external expectations? This is crucial, because when your actions are value-driven or grounded in your values, you're less likely to seek external validation. Your actions are inherently satisfying, because they resonate with your deepest core beliefs about what's important and good and right. [25:14.8]
So, how do you align with your values? You can start by identifying what truly matters to you, but not what you've been conditioned to believe is important. This will require reflection and digging deep, and I have processes that walk you through how to think about your values and how to reevaluate them in my course Freedom U, and we also do this in my therapeutic coaching groups.
Once you know your values, you can then consciously make decisions that align with them. For example, if integrity is one of your core values, you'll be more attuned and committed to keeping your word, following through and doing the right thing, especially being honest in your interactions with others. [25:57.0]
Integrating these practices can shift how you experience yourself and your world. Instead of acting out of neediness or desire for approval, you act out of a clear understanding of who you are and what you stand for. This doesn't mean you won't care about others’ opinions or feedback, but rather that this feedback won't define your worth or dictate your actions.
The more that you practice communicating internally with your parts and living according to your values, the more natural it will become. Over time, you'll find that the need for external validation diminishes so that you hardly feel it. Instead, you'll start feeling more grounded, more confident, not because the world sees you as successful, but because you're true to yourself, living authentically according to what truly matters to you—and this gives you real freedom, freedom from the exhausting chase for approval, freedom to be who you really are and freedom to connect with others authentically. [26:54.1]
Finally, let's address the elephant in the room, the challenges that you might face as you begin this journey of self-transformation, and for many achievers, this transition can stir up some deep-seated fears. Common among these is the fear of losing your identity, like, who are you if not the achiever, the success story, the go-getter?
There's also the daunting fear of not being good enough without your laundry list of accomplishments. Then there's the common fear that if you feel worthy through just being and not having to do, then you'll lose your edge somehow and no longer achieve anything. You'll just be a complete bum and eventually homeless on the streets.
These fears are not only natural, but expected for achievers. Navigating these fears starts with understanding that your identity is not solely built on what you achieve, but on who you are, your values, your passions, your relationships. It's about broadening the understanding of what defines you of who you are beyond the narrow confines of success and failure and accomplishment. [27:56.8]
You are worthy of love for simply being you, not for your next big win, not for your past successes, but just for being who you are at your core. This is a radical shift for most people, especially in a world that often tells us that our worth is dependent on what we can produce or achieve. Instead, embrace the notion that your worthiness for love doesn't fluctuate with your successes or failures. It's a constant, rooted in your existence, in your humanity.
You had this worth the moment you were born. When you start to accept this, you begin to experience true freedom from that relentless pressure of always having to prove yourself over and over. You allow yourself to engage in life, relationships, and work even, from a place of authenticity and joy and flow, rather than neediness or desperation for approval. Remember, you are already enough, right here, right now, just as you are. You’re already enough for love. Let that sink in. Let it land. Take it in, and let it guide you toward a life of true fulfillment and genuine self-acceptance. [29:12.1]
Of course, knowing what to do and actually doing it are, of course, two different things. The process of change is often slow and requires a heap of self-compassion and patience and persistence. It's okay to feel uncomfortable. It's normal to have days where you doubt the process. What's important is to keep going, even if it's just a small step each day.
One practical strategy is to practice mindfulness. This helps you stay rooted in the present moment and reduces the tendency to over-identify with your achievements, or the anxiety about future successes or failures. Mindfulness encourages you to experience life as it is without the constant pressure to perform or prove yourself.
Another strategy is to keep a journal. Documenting your thoughts and feelings as you navigate this journey can provide deep insights, transformational insights into your progress and challenges. It helps to reflect on these entries over time to see how your mindset has shifted and to remind yourself of the growth that you're experiencing, even if it feels very gradual. [30:16.2]
Finally, don't hesitate to seek professional support, whether it's through therapy, coaching groups, or even conversations with trusted friends. Having a support system and community can provide encouragement and perspective as you work through these challenges and help you to sustain your persistence and perseverance through the process.
Remember, the goal here is not to completely discard the part of you that strives and achieves. That is a beautiful part. Those are beautiful parts and they've accomplished so much, and have probably given you a more comfortable life than you would have otherwise had. So, lots of appreciation to our striving and achieving parts. [30:55.6]
But now they're probably really exhausted, and maybe long ago, when they first started doing their jobs, they might have enjoyed parts of that. But if you're an adult striver or achiever, those parts of you are probably pretty exhausted and tired of those jobs right now, but they don't know any other way out—so, now it's your job to build a trusting relationship with them so that they can lay down their armor, their shields or weapons, and actually have a rest and enjoy life. This is not about becoming less ambitious, but about becoming ambitious for the right reasons, reasons that fulfill you deeply and sustainably.
As we close out this episode, let's recap the major points so far. We started by exploring why achievers often fall into the trap of neediness, recognizing that this behavior is deeply linked to their identity as pleasers. This is a strategy developed early in life in order to secure necessary love and approval. We dove into Karen Horney’s concepts, and discussed how achieving can become an unconscious default mode to secure attention and affection, and that is now, as an adult, maladaptive. [32:03.5]
We then discussed how success often acts as a temporary mask for insecurities, a concept often referred to as narcissistic supply. We contrasted the experiences of achievers who recognize the emptiness and mere achievements with those who don't yet, highlighting the impact on their personal and romantic relationships.
From there, we introduced IFS therapy, emphasizing how it helps identify and interact with our different parts of ourselves, and that this approach, alongside the understanding of one's True Self or herself, shifts the reliance from external validation to internal fulfillment.
We also talked about practical steps to cultivate self-sufficiency, drawing on psychotherapy, IFS and deeper insights about living authentically according to our personal values rather than external expectations. [32:55.0]
Okay, so to bring it all home, let's consider the case of a client. Let's call him Larry. He was a former client who epitomized the high-achieving pleaser. Larry's career as a corporate lawyer was studded with accolades, but his personal life was a string of unfulfilling relationships and a pervasive sense of never being good enough.
Through our work together, Larry engaged with IFS therapy, and learned to identify and sue the parts of himself that were stuck in old patterns of neediness for approval. He also began to realign his actions with his new core values, such as compassion and integrity, instead of external approval.
This journey, of course, wasn't easy for Larry, but it was transformative. He moved from external validation to finding a robust sense of self-worth from within. He reported feeling not just more fulfilled, but also more present and authentic in his interactions and relationships. [33:53.8]
So, if you take anything away from today, let it be this. You are worthy of love just for who you are, not just for what you can do or achieve. This fundamental shift in perspective, it's not just about feeling better. It's about fundamentally changing how you see yourself and how you interact with the world and with yourself.
Thank you so much for listening. If you liked this, hit a like or follow or subscribe on whatever platform you're listening to this on. If you would like to be a guest on the podcast and work together for a session, send a message with your background info to support@auratransformation.org and let us know what issues you'd like to work on.
This is a limited time offer. I don't know how much longer I can keep taking in guest offers. We're currently trying to work out time zones and all that to schedule these appointments. Currently, that window is open, so send a message to support@auratransformation.org if you're interested.
If this has helped you in any way, please share it with anyone else that you think could benefit from it.
Thank you so much for listening. I look forward to welcoming you to the next episode. Until then David Tian, signing out. [35:00.0]
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