Welcome to the Masculine Psychology Podcast, where we answer key questions in relationships, attraction, success, and fulfillment. Now, here's your host, world-renowned therapist and life coach, David Tian.
David: Welcome to the Masculine Psychology podcast. I'm David Tian, your host. In this episode, we're going to unravel a key factor in dating, social interactions and relationships that can dramatically shift how you approach dating and relationships. It's about the only reliable way in the current moment to significantly increase how much someone values you.
We all know the long-term plays to increase what researchers call our mating value or social value, like wealth building or personality development, or therapeutic work. But what can you do in the present moment on a date or when meeting someone to elevate your social or mating value right there on the spot? That's what we're diving into in this episode. [01:01.3]
If you're not paying attention to this factor, you're going to hit a ceiling on how much and for how long someone else is attracted to you or cherishes their time or relationship with you, and not just a ceiling, but a hard limit. By tuning into this factor, you unlock the door to a balanced, harmonious and happy partnership, where both parties feel deeply fulfilled.
Okay, ready to know what this big factor is? It's investment, and specifically, I'm going to be cashing this out in terms of the cost-worth connection. Obviously, I'm not talking about financial investments in the stock market. I'm talking about how much time and energy someone, including your date, invests in you, the interaction or your relationship. [01:48.4]
Let's first clear up a very common myth that is pervasive among men who have trouble with women, and I fell for this myth when I first started dating, too. This is the misconception that women are most attracted to or happiest with a man who does everything for them. It sounds chivalrous, right? You take care of everything, and she just shows up. But here's the truth. That's not a recipe for long-term happiness.
Human beings have fundamental needs for contribution, for competence, and for the joy of accomplishment and for autonomy. If she doesn't feel like she's earned you or earned the relationship, if she doesn't feel like she's contributed to the relationship, she won't be able to fully enjoy or be happy with you for very long. This is about balance. Everyone wants to feel like they're bringing something to the table, like they're a part of the team. When one person is doing all the heavy lifting, it disrupts this balance, leading to dissatisfaction and, eventually, disconnection. [02:51.7]
I'm going to be unpacking this in the rest of the episode, but I want to mention that the bigger picture is about mutual investment. It's about creating a dynamic where both partners are actively contributing to each other, where both feel that they're an integral part of the relationship’s growth and success. This isn't just about equality. It's about fostering a deeper sense of connection and appreciation for each other.
I mentioned the concept of the cost-worth connection. Here's a thought experiment to illustrate this concept. Imagine you've worked hard for many months, maybe even years, saving up for your dream car. You've spent countless hours researching, picking out all the details, the extra features, the perfect finishings in and on your car. You've even hustled to get the best financing deal. Finally, the day arrives when your dream car is delivered to your home. [03:45.6]
Okay, here's the twist. On the same day, your little brother tells you he's won a new car in a raffle that he entered, and out of his love for you, he's given it to you as an early birthday present. And guess what? This car, it turns out, that he won is the exact same make and model as your dream car and it's exactly identical down to even the special finishings you chose, and it's being delivered today, the same day that your new car that you worked hard for is being delivered. By the end of this day, you will have two identical cars in your driveway.
Now fast forward a few months. Your brother calls you at work asking to borrow your car to run some errands. You agree without giving it much thought. Later though, he calls back and is panicked, saying he's been in an accident. He says, “I'm okay. But the car is totaled.” Okay, now pause here and ask yourself, which car do you hope he totaled? Is it the one you worked tirelessly for or the one you got for free? [04:52.5]
If you're like most people you'd prefer he totaled the free one. They're identical cars, but the effort you put into acquiring that one makes it that much more valuable to you, and this illustrates the cost-worth connection. The more time and effort you invest into something, the more you value it.
So, how does this apply to dating and relationships? If you want your partner to value you more, it's crucial for her to invest time and effort into you, your conversations, your interactions, and your relationship overall. It's not just about what you can offer or how much you can do for her. It's about creating a dynamic where she's actively contributing, investing her time and energy.
This isn't about keeping score or making her work for your affection. It's about building a relationship where both partners are equally invested, where both feel that they have a stake in the relationship's success. This concept extends well beyond romantic relationships. It applies to friendships, family bonds, and professional relationships. When both parties are actively involved and invested, the connection deepens and the value that each person places on that relationship increases. [06:08.7]
Now let's explore another angle of the cost-worth connection. What happens when someone isn't given the opportunity to invest time and energy into something, like an interaction or a relationship? It's crucial to understand that attraction, appreciation and enjoyment in a relationship, or even having a conversation or interaction, are closely tied and almost directly proportional to the investment that the person makes in it.
If you're always the one putting in all the effort, if you're not making space for the other person to invest, you're actually robbing them of the full potential enjoyment of being with you. It might seem counterintuitive, but by not allowing them to contribute, you're inadvertently causing their attraction and appreciation to diminish over time. [06:59.0]
Now, for those of us who have parts that lean toward being people pleasers, this concept can be really challenging. I totally get it, I struggled with it at first as well. It's not easy to step back and let others take the lead or contribute more, especially if you're used to being the one who always does the heavy lifting in relationships. Or as a child, you were raised to believe that your worthiness for connection, appreciation, attention or love was attached to how much you pleased the parent or your caregivers.
So, I totally understand if this is a really foreign concept for you, or maybe even a shocking or repulsive suggestion. But this is a journey, not a sprint. It's about gradually learning to balance giving and receiving to create a dynamic where both people feel fully valued and invested.
There could also be this cognitive dissonance that can come into play, especially for men who have been conditioned, with certain premodern attitudes toward women, like the old school notion of putting them on a pedestal, treating them like princesses who can do no wrong, who are pure and delicate. [08:04.6]
This mindset can be a real stumbling block when it comes to allowing women to invest in the relationship, or even the date or interaction or conversation. It's not about seeing women as vulnerable dolls made of glass. It's about recognizing them as equal partners, capable of contributing, of putting an effort of being a significant part of the relationship’s growth, not just in showing up and looking pretty.
This shift in perspective is essential for a successful relationship and even in maintaining or sparking attraction. When you open up the space for someone to invest in you and in the relationship, you're not just enhancing their experience. You're also enriching your own. It's about moving away from a one-sided dynamic, to a more fulfilling reciprocal interaction, where both parties feel they're part of something meaningful.
Remember, relationships and healthy and fun interactions are a two-way street. It's about creating a balance where both parties can invest and reap the rewards for their contributions. It's a journey worth taking and it starts with acknowledging and adjusting our own behaviors and perceptions. [09:13.0]
Now let's look more closely at some of the empirical research that backs this up, and I'm going to be referring to the work of the eminent social psychologist Robert Cialdini. There are so many connections, but I will focus here on his principle of commitment and his principle of consistency. These principles are the cornerstones for understanding how investment in a relationship or even in a pursuit, an investment in the form of time, effort or emotions leads to stronger commitment and a tendency to value it more deeply.
Cialdini’s concept of commitment is about the decisions we make, the stances that we take and the actions that we engage in, and once we commit to something, the research has shown, whether it's a belief, a relationship, or a goal or an identity, there's a powerful draw I have within us to stay consistent with that commitment. It's like signing a kind of invisible contract with ourselves or others and setting the course for our future actions and attitudes. [10:11.4]
Then when it comes to consistency, it's about aligning our actions with our commitments. It's the drive to behave in ways that are congruent with our self-image and the commitments that we've made. Okay, for example, if you've ever decided to get in shape and then told your friends about your new workout plan and goals, you've likely felt a stronger urge to follow through, just because you've voiced that commitment, to get that accountability, and that's consistency at play.
James Clear, in his Atomic Habits among many others, has shown how our commitment to an identity, such as someone who enjoys working out, naturally and automatically encourages us to be consistent and to behave according to that identity that we've committed to. These psychological principles aren't just abstract concepts. They're powerful forces in our social lives, our dating interactions, our relationships. [11:05.1]
When the other party invests time and effort into you, or into your interaction or the relationship, she's making a commitment, perhaps not explicitly or consciously, but definitely psychologically, and once this commitment is in place, there's a natural inclination to stay consistent with it, and this is where that magic happens in deepening bonds unconsciously automatically and naturally.
Encouraging your partner to commit, whether it's through shared experiences, joint projects, or emotional investments, sets the stage for a more profound relationship. It's not about manipulation or playing games. It's about creating opportunities for her to genuinely invest time and effort. As your partner stays consistent with this investment, her evaluation of the relationship naturally increases, and the more she values the relationships that she's part of, the more it'll be satisfying and meaningful to her. [11:58.8]
Remember, the principles of commitment and consistency are a two-way street. It's equally important for you to make and keep commitments in the relationship. It's about being a role model of consistency, showing your partner through actions, not just words that you're equally invested and committed.
Now let's explore another fundamental aspect of human nature that ties back beautifully to what we've been discussing, the cost-worth connection. Think back to when you were a toddler, or I'm picturing my own toddler right now, who is reminding me, who has been reminding me of this concept with his fierce, determined little face that he makes while trying to put on his own clothes or when insisting on eating by himself and not being fed, even though it can all become a messy affair. This isn't just child's play. It's a manifestation of a deep-seated and healthy human need for autonomy, and for competence. [12:51.2]
This desire to do things for ourselves doesn't just disappear as we grow up. It evolves, becoming a core part of our life satisfaction and happiness. Whether it's like assembling a piece of furniture or cooking a meal from scratch, or working hard to achieve a personal goal, there's a profound sense of fulfillment that comes from doing something ourselves as opposed to having it done for us or cheating, and from struggling with it long enough to attain competence at it, which can only happen when it isn't being done for us.
Let's break it down even further. We all know the feeling of earning something through hard work. The sweat and effort we put in makes the achievement so much sweeter. Compare that to receiving something on a silver platter without any effort just like the example I started off with the cars. Sure, it's nice to get things easily, but the satisfaction, the value that we attach to it, isn't the same. [13:49.0]
This isn't about pride. It's about a fundamental aspect of human psychology. We're wired to value what we work for more highly than what comes easily. This principle extends to how we learn and grow as well. When you actively participate in learning something new, engaging fully with the process, you not only understand it better, but retain it more effectively than if you were just like a passive observer. This active participation, this investment of effort and attention enhances the value of the learning experience.
All of these aspects of human behavior support the cost-worth connection. They show us that investment, whether it's in learning a new skill, achieving a personal goal, or contributing to a relationship or interaction, increases the value that we place on the outcome. It's a powerful concept, one that can transform how we approach an experience, not just our relationships, but every aspect of our lives.
In relationships and dating interactions, encouraging and allowing your partner to invest time and effort into you isn't just about creating balance. It's about tapping into this fundamental human need for autonomy and competence. It's about understanding that your partner will value the relationship or interaction more if they're actively contributing to it, just as you will. [15:10.5]
No matter their physical strength, for many men, emotions are too much for them to handle. It's why they can't give women the deeper levels of emotional intimacy and connection that they crave. It's why they fail to be the man that modern women desire most: a man with inner strength, a man who has mastered his emotions.
Find out how to master your emotions through David Tian's “Emotional Mastery” program. The Emotional Mastery program is a step-by-step system that integrates the best of empirically-verified psychotherapy methods and reveals how to master your internal state and develop the inner strength that makes you naturally attractive, happy, and fulfilled.
Learn more about this transformational program by going to DavidTianPhD.com/EmotionalMastery.
That's D-A-V-I-D-T-I-A-N-P-H-D [dot] com [slash] emotional mastery.
Now let's dive into a really fun and practical concept that's related, which I call value flux. It's a fascinating element in the dynamic of dating and relationships, especially when we consider it in the context of the cost-worth connection. [16:19.5]
Okay, so remember, the cost-worth connection is about how investment affects perceived value, how investment has an upward pressure on value. The more investment that you're getting, the higher you're valued, so the more she invests in something or someone, the more she values it. If you're looking to increase your value in her eyes, one potent way to do it is by boosting her investment.
Now, many guys understand the concept of value when it comes to dating, but they often get fixated on value as the be-all and end-all and then they fall into this trap of trying to ramp up their value. They end up puffing themselves up trying to look wealthier or higher status, more muscular in the moment, but here's the thing—any discerning woman will see right through that facade. [17:04.0]
This kind of fake posturing actually lowers your value in her eyes. It screams insecurity and neediness, and neediness is the biggest psychological turnoff for a woman, remember. Yes, in the long term, you can genuinely increase your social or mating value by actually building real wealth, attaining real higher status, maybe by more career progression, or building real muscle. But these are long-term plays. They take time, months, years, possibly even decades.
But what about in the present moment, in that moment right there and then? How can you increase how much she values you in the moment? We’ve all seen those guys who try too hard, bragging about their expensive possessions or trying to impress her, maybe throwing down his Lambo keys on the club table there. But if she's an attractive woman, she has likely seen all this before. It raises the question, “Why is he trying so hard to impress me?” It just shows a lack of genuine self confidence in himself. [18:01.1]
Okay, now let's talk about value flux here. It's those moments, those windows of evaluation, where she's unconsciously gauging your social or mating value based on how you respond to the opportunities for investment.
Okay, let's take as an example, a bar scenario. A guy tries to impress a woman by talking about his wealth and possessions. She interrupts him to hold her drink while she runs to the restroom. “Hey, I’ve got to run to the restroom real quick. Can you just hold my drink?” This moment, it’s value flux. How he handles this request is actually crucial. Imagine that he actually just takes her drink after talking big and just answers while she runs off to the bathroom, and there he is, holding her cold drink, making his fingers really cold and he's just holding it there, not talking to anyone else, just waiting for her for several minutes until she returns. When she gets back, she sees this. She sees him holding her drink like a butler and his value plummets in her eyes. [18:57.3]
Now, a lot of nice guys who have been conditioned into being basically the slaves of women and handing them their balls in a box—I'm saying all this with a smile because I've done all of these things. I've made all of these mistakes—guys like that who don't understand the psychology here might get really angry about that, and then you can see how the red pill and manosphere might get “Take this” and multiply it by, I don't know, maybe 10 or 100 such interactions and create this bitterness and resentment that she doesn't value his effort. Then they turn into these raging incels, not realizing that a woman doesn't want a slave. She doesn't want to marry her butler. She wants a man who respects himself and has self-confidence.
Now, the one exception is if this man really loved holding cold things in his hands for several minutes at a time, in which case her request dovetails with something that he would have wanted to do anyway. I can't imagine anyone like that. But also keep in mind that the scenario I'm painting here is one in which they've just met. She is not his wife and she is not his daughter. There is no other prior relationship. [20:03.7]
This scenario of these types of compliance requests happen all the time in social or dating contexts between men and women and she is unconsciously trying to gauge your true value, because players lie and talk big and exaggerate all the time.
So, let me just reiterate that a man of real wealth wouldn't feel the need to keep talking about it or trying to impress somebody with it, or throw his fancy car keys on the table. If the person is self-confident and has self-worth, you'll only find out they're wealthy when you walk out of the bar and he says he'll give you a ride to the next bar that you're going to together. He doesn't mention what car it is or that he has a driver. You only discover this when his driver pulls up, I don't know, in his Bentley to ferry you all to the next location and he acts as if it's just the most common thing in the world because he's not trying to impress you with it. You realize it's genuine. [20:56.0]
Okay, so let's return to the example of the guy in the bar. At the moment of her request, he was in value flux. It wasn't clear what his actual value was, because it's all just said that he could be lying and it's already to kind of making him look bad. She’s going to give him the benefit of the doubt and do a compliance test to check, and depending on how he deals with the request, she will unconsciously determine his value, if she feels that even, but that's part of the unconscious aspect of it.
Keep in mind that she's had to develop this sort of B.S. meter since the time that she grew boobs and creepy older men were eyeing her sexually, a way of seeing through a man’s B.S., and these types of compliance tests were a natural way for her to get past the B.S. In this example, the big talker kept standing there for several minutes holding her cold drink until she came back and his value was about the same as a waiter who deserved a big tip.
A man with a genuine value would have put her drink down on the table and covered it with a napkin or coaster for her safety, and it'd be waiting for her upon her return. But he'd spend the time talking to his friends at the table or getting on with his night, not having his world stop revolving until her return, and then bonus points if he sees through her little compliance hoop and smiled at her knowing what she was doing. Through his actions and decisions, he shows that he had his own life and value independent of her approval. [22:12.8]
Okay, so as we delve deeper into the intricacies of human psychology, especially in the realm of dating and relationships, it's crucial to insert a vital caveat here. Understanding these psychological truths about how investment and perceived value work doesn't give us a free pass to manipulate other people. It's one thing to know the facts and it's quite another to decide how to apply this knowledge in a way that aligns with your moral values.
Remember, in our previous episode, we laid the groundwork by exploring the importance of morality for your life. It serves as the bedrock foundation for living a good authentic life. This is where the ethical dimension comes into play. It's like how guns can be used. They can serve good purposes or be wielded for harm. Similarly, the principles of investment in dating and relationships are powerful tools that can be used to foster genuine, meaningful connections, or they can be misused in manipulative ways. It's going to have to be left up to you to use these psychological truths for good. [23:15.2]
Okay, now as a listener, you're probably pondering, How do I increase her investment in me? Okay, so there are numerous principles and techniques, including concepts like imagined investment, implied investment, dirty investment, and ways to enhance mutual investment in long-term relationships. Each of these concepts is multilayered and can be incredibly potent in the realm of dating.
However, some of these concepts, much like guns, can be used for both good and bad. This is why I reserve the deeper dive into these techniques for my more comprehensive dating-skills courses. It's in these settings that I can provide the hours of context needed to explain and for the listeners to understand the proper use of these tools. I do this in my courses Limitless and Invincible, and in future dating skills courses, like one that's tentatively entitled Primal Attraction. [24:05.4]
All of these will be accessible if you are a Platinum Partner. If you're curious about that, you can head to my website, DavidTianPhD.com, and go to the top menu navigation and look up online courses.
It’s important to us the psychological truths and ways that respect both your own moral values and the autonomy of others. When it comes to increasing investment in a relationship or in an interaction, it should always be about creating a balanced, mutually-satisfying and fulfilling connection, not about playing games or manipulating emotions.
In our next episode, I'll go deeper on how some of these principles can be used the right way. We'll look at how to foster genuine investment in a way that's healthy, respectful and aligned with the kind of man that you aspire to be. We'll explore how to build a relationship that's based on mutual respect and genuine connection, rather than one that's built on manipulation or deception. [24:58.6]
Now let's look more closely at the downside of the cost-worth connection and bring in another term from human psychology that plays a huge role in how we perceive our relationships and interactions, and this is called effort justification. This concept deeply rooted in psychological research is something that can make or break your understanding and experience of relationships and dating.
Effort justification is a form of cognitive dissonance that occurs when individuals rationalize the effort they've put into something like a relationship, leading them to overvalue the outcome regardless of its actual worth. It's like telling yourself that the juice is worth the squeeze because it took so much effort to squeeze it out, even if the juice isn't nearly as sweet or as good-tasting as you expect it.
In the context of dating and relationships, this phenomenon explains why people might remain committed to a relationship that they've heavily invested in, even when there are clear signs of trouble or diminishing returns. It's not just about love or loyalty. It's about justifying the effort they've put in. It's the idea that since they've invested so much time, effort, emotions, maybe even finances, then they need to see it through no matter what. [26:14.5]
This concept connects closely to the concept of sunk costs in economics or being pot committed in poker. In economics, a sunk cost is money already spent and permanently lost. My economics professor explained it to me really well when he said sunk costs are like when you've saved up and waited a long time for the Stanley Cup finals and you've got tickets to the Stanley Cup final, and that night, there is a horrible ice storm in Montreal where the Stanley Cup final is.
The natural inclination is to force yourself out onto the ice dangerous roads. Let's say the city says don't go out into the roads for several hours until their trucks can salt all the ice carefully so it’s safe to drive on and they say stay home until then. But you will brave the icy streets, because you've already paid for your tickets to the Stanley Cup final, and if you don't go, then it's a waste of money. [27:08.8]
So, risking your life on the icy streets is somehow a way of recouping the money that you've spent. But that's actually a sunk cost. You can't get back that money that you've already spent by getting out onto the icy roads and risking your life. The money and time that you paid for the tickets to the Stanley Cup final that night are a sunk cost. Don't make the sunk cost the reason for taking on more costs. That would be irrational. So, a pretty foundational and basic concept from microeconomics.
For some, it's easier to understand poker. Being pot committed in poker means you've already put so much into the pot that you feel compelled to stay in the game, even when the odds are against you. It's like when you've already put so many chips onto this one hand and then you feel like you’ve got to get all those chips back and you risk even more in an effort to get back what you've already put on the table. Your judgment is clouded because your pot committed. [28:07.4]
Now let's apply this to relationships. Imagine you've been in a relationship for years. You've invested time, effort, energy, emotions, and money, and maybe you've even made significant life changes for this relationship, but things aren't going great and it doesn't look like they're going to be getting any better anytime soon. There are constant conflicts. Your fights are so bad, the cops are called in. But you keep telling yourself, “I've invested so much, I can't give up now.” That's effort justification at work. You’re pot committed to the relationship. Your judgment is clouded. You ignore the fact that the best decision might be to fold and walk away.
It's crucial to recognize when effort justification is clouding your judgment, particularly in unhealthy or abusive relationships. It's about taking a step back and evaluating the relationship objectively, or more objectively, without or as little of the bias of your past investments. Are you staying in because it's genuinely good for you, or are you just trying to justify all the past effort you've put in? [29:11.6]
Understanding the psychological concept is vital because it can help you make more rational decisions about your relationships. It can empower you to recognize when it's time to work on the relationship, and when it's time to walk away.
Remember, your past investment should not dictate your future decisions. Just because you've invested a lot so far, doesn't mean that you're best off sticking with the decision that's no longer serving you. It's about making choices that align with your current needs, values and wellbeing.
Okay, let's take a moment to recap what we've covered today because we've delved into some deep psychological concepts, and these are crucial for understanding dating and relationships and for succeeding in them. [29:57.0]
Okay, first we explored the cost-worth connection revealing how the more someone invests, be it in time or efforts or emotions, the more they value what they're investing in.
Next, we navigated the concept of value flux, understanding those critical moments where someone's perception of your value is being assessed unconsciously, based on the investments and the responses. Remember, it's not about grand gestures, but the subtle interplay of give and take.
Then we dove into effort, justification and cognitive dissonance, where we examined how the effort we put into a relationship can lead us to value it more, overvalue it sometimes even when it's not in our best interests.
Okay, so when investment is one sided, when all the effort, time and energy come from just one person, this leads to a dangerous imbalance. The person investing heavily will feel unappreciated, undervalued and eventually resentful. On the flip side, the partner who doesn't invest ends up feeling disconnected, less committed, start taking the relationship for granted, and is less able to appreciate the relationship and enjoy it. [31:04.7]
This imbalance leads to a spiral of dissatisfaction, where both partners feel unfulfilled, leading to the potential downfall of the relationship, and that's just in relationships. In looking at an imbalance in the initial interactions when it comes to attraction, it won't even get off the ground, because the partner who is not investing or who is investing a lot less won't feel attracted as a result.
But it doesn't have to be this way. In our next episode, we're going to look at how to build a successful relationship, and that starts with successful interactions where both partners are mutually invested. It's about creating a balanced dynamic, where both of you are mutually investing, mutually contributing. Both of you are investing in each other and both of you are reaping the rewards of a deeper, more meaningful connection. [31:51.3]
Thank you so much for listening. If you have any feedback whatsoever, please send it over. Write a comment. Send a message. Let me know what you thought of this episode. I thrive off your feedback. If you liked this episode, hit a like or leave a good review or a good rating on whatever platform you're listening to this on. Subscribe or follow, and if this benefited you in any way whatsoever, please share it with anyone else that you think could benefit from it.
Thank you so much for listening. I can't wait to welcome you to the next episode. Until then, David Tian, signing out.
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