Here I was, on the edge of the building again.
It must've been twenty or thirty stories in the sky.
What was I doing on that ledge? How did I get there? And why can't I get back in the window?
I try shimmying over to the next window and that one is locked too.
What do I do?
Maybe I can climb down?
I start slowly working my way down when I loose my grip and I'm free falling.
As a kid I had a recurring dream of falling to my death. I used to wake up in a cold sweat with my heart pounding every time I had the dream where I fell off the building.
And last year I decided to do something to help me get over that fear.
I got into a tiny plane, flew up to 15,000 feet over the Kennedy Space Center and then jumped out.
It wasn't that simple though – when I was up there I didn't want to leave the plane. My instructor walked me to the door and as I looked out at what appeared to be a map of Titusville Florida I wanted to do nothing more than turn back and tuck my tail.
My instructor wasn't letting me go back.
We jumped out and when I smelled the gas fumes from the engines I knew it was all over.
I couldn't collect my thoughts and all I saw was my life flashing before my eyes.
After 45 seconds of free fall I finally gave in and started enjoying my “flight.”
And when we landed I kissed the ground and swore not to do that again.
So why am I telling you about this?
It's because for the last week I've had that feeling I had when I was at the door of that airplane not wanting to jump out. A sheer terror that made me wish I could get out of my skin and be somewhere else far far away.
You want to know why I've been so terrified? Because in a few short days cupcake and I will meet our son for the very first time. The adoption process has taken nearly three years and we're on the cusp of having the baby boy we've wanted for so long. And I'm scared out of my mind.
The one thing that makes it better is that I know me and cupcake are a great team and we'll make it through anything.
And that's the way it is with anything scary. If you've got someone by your side to help you get through it then it makes it just a little bit easier, right?
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