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In this episode, you’ll learn…

  • How bitterness and resentment cause complete chaos to your best relationships and business ideas (2:40)
  • The insidious “C-word” that seeps into your life and causes utter destruction to your relationships (8:04)
  • Why the devil loves when you’re sulking in bitterness and resentment (11:48)
  • The subtle mindset shift that helps you get over any argument without sabotaging your relationship (12:42)
  • The dumbest mistake you can make when you see others succeeding (15:56)
  • The single best thing you can do to avoid falling into an endless trap of bitterness and resentment (17:42)

Make sure you follow Nicki Koziarz on Instagram and Facebook to get your fix of wisdom you won’t find anywhere else.

If you have zero energy to focus on yourself and need extra support and accountability from women who know what it’s like to juggle a crazy busy life, then go to https://befitandfierce.com and become unstoppable with us.

Or, if you want to join a sisterhood dedicated to growing our faith, join our Just Breathe Facebook Group.

Read Full Transcript

Hi there. I'm Jill Allen and this is find your fierce, the show designed for women to discover your fierce, unlock and unstoppable mindset. Build unbreakable courage and completely transform how you show up every single day. Each week I will bring ideas, methods and strategies that will inspire you to step into your greatness and live life on purpose. Let's be fit, fierce and unstoppable.

(00:33): Hey there everyone. Welcome to find your fears. This is episode 15 and we are continuing our series called find your peace and once again, Nikki is back with us and I'm just super excited because we're going to continue the conversation when it comes [inaudible] bitterness and resentment and how we can let go of that and soften our heart a little bit. So welcome back, Nikki, how are you? Oh, one thing. Go and like and subscribe to her Facebook and Instagram. I know she doesn't want me doing that, but I so appreciate her insight in all of this. So guys, be sure and follow her. You'll absolutely love her stories, her farm, and her life if she shares that with you. Thanks. Super fun topic for today's episode. Yeah, it'll be good. I'm excited to hear that because I think we, I'll have some little piece of our heart that we hang on to, especially women that we hang on to.

(01:33): Any problems, issues, things that we just need to let go of it because it's stealing what we have right in front of us. Right here. Why is such a topic that I know I wanted to include in that when it comes to living with peace. Definitely. Yeah. Then nothing will steal your piece. Like some bitterness or resentment towards somebody. Yeah, I know. So, I mean let's, you know, we had done a Bible study. Why her one of your [inaudible] awesome, amazing books. You know, why her and we really focused on the truths on that and, and the comparison and how we can really let go of those things. Yes. And it's a struggle. I think that so many of us face and half and we think we're good one day and then it rears its ugly head again and again and again. So I know we all live with it.

(02:22): We all have some sore, a story, a past. How can we move forward from all of that so we can live with peace. Yeah. So I am going to make you feel really good about yourself right now. Okay. Everybody listening cause I'm gonna this is confessions of Nikki. Okay. I'm going to share with you a time in my life where bitterness and resentment absolutely ruins me and we can kind of, we'll piggyback off this later, but I think it's important for us to be honest about this because not many people are. I want to preface this by saying this was 15 years ago and the deal hurts and muscle a little bit. Okay. And I want to be kind of vague with the details because not that I think this person would ever listen to this podcast but I just want to be careful to honor the situation. But I do want to say and show you that the Lord has grown me a lot in the last 15 years. So gel once upon a time I had a little business called sweet pea Haribos and such a name. Right?

(03:31): So, I don't know about the girls up North, but in the South, big bows were everything. When my girls were little, and I'm, I'm talking about the ones as big as your head. And I had three daughters and so buying Haribos was very expensive, right? So I was like, I need to learn how to figure out how to make these Haribos. And so I did and all my girls every Sunday would have matching dresses and matching hair buzz. I was that mom, I'm sure my Instagram feed would have been popping at that time. They were so cute. So eventually though, friends started coming to me and they were like, Hey, like can you make this bow? And then before I knew it, I had a whole cheerleading squad coming to me, asking me to make their hair bows and had a really thriving business. And so I was really surprised one day when one of my, at that time, very best friends had reached out to me and asked me to make some bows for her.

(04:27): And so I gave her the pricing game or the friend discount, all the things and never heard back from her. And I thought it was really strange because we had such a great relationship. Wow. This was back before Facebook and Instagram, like this is when we did blogs. Like, do you remember these days? The blog? Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. What was your blog called? Well, the blog is that while I have one with Jill Allen coaching. Oh, 15 years ago. No, now, but I don't have a blog 15 years ago, but emails. Right, okay. I know. Well, okay. So that's, well, it's really where like social media got started. [inaudible] Community where you would do like blog hops and all this thing. It was such a thing 15 years ago. Okay. So I was very surprised though. It was a wait, what was your blog called? My blog?

(05:16): Yeah. Oh, Jill. It's really tad when it was called, it was called three girly girls and the S was the Z. It was, Oh my gosh. Yeah. With the heart eyes [inaudible] as fufu Southern girl as you could get. Okay. Yeah. So anyways, I was really surprised though because one day I hopped onto my friend's website and lo and behold, she was selling the same bows that I was making and I was like, it's happening now as a grown woman. 15 years later, I can look back on this situation and I can see things a lot differently. But can I tell you that I so hurt, I was so better. I was so resentful. The friendship totally ended. I never spoke to her again. I mean, it was, it was not pretty. But here's the really bad side of this. Okay. So for a couple of months I continued on making my hair bows.

(06:14): And the thing was, is that this friend, like had she come to me and said, Hey, would you want to like go in on this together? I would've been like all for it. I would have been like, yes, let's take this business to Walmart. Like, you know, let's two are better than one. That's just kinda how I run my life. But the fact that it just felt like it was so sneaky and how am I back and asked her my pricing and again, one of my best friends, it just really hurts. So for several months when I would sit down to work on these hair bows, all I would feel would be bitterness because you're sitting there for a long time with nothing else to think about. And it got to the point Joe, where I could no longer, I knew in my heart I needed to let that business go because I couldn't do it with a good heart anymore.

(06:57): And I'm so ashamed like, and just sad to even share like that I let a dream like that die. I mean I really did have dreams of being in Walmart one day. Like that was my hope and everything. You know, I wanted it to be the big, big Haribo woman. God had a different plan for mine, but it ruins me and it destroyed something really good, a source of income for my family. And the thing is, all these years later, like I tell you this story and I say that it's still hurts. Not because I have bitterness and resentment towards her, but because I think about how much it hurt my heart and nothing will steal your peace faster then somebody who it feels like stole something from you. Okay. So we all have relationships where we feel like we've been taken advantage of where they lied to us, where something was done in a way that we perceived one way.

(07:49): And maybe maybe, maybe there was a perfectly good explanation for her business. I don't know. I never gave her the opportunity to share it, but it did become a place where it compromised. And so that's one of the things that we talk about and why her, the book was that comparison that stems from bitterness in our lives. Because obviously I was sitting there going, well, how much is she charging for her purpose now and what is she making and who's buying from her? And so comparison starts to slip in and write this really yucky story. And ultimately your soul just becomes so unwell that eventually become compromised and you can't do what you were created to do. So there's my confessional. Okay, well wow. Yeah, I know. It's a really sad story. Well, and I think you get caught up in the moment and we don't see those things.

(08:38): You can look back now 15 years later. Okay, what did I learn from that? And again, we go back to our assignments. Maybe that was not your assignment that you were meant to do. Okay. That path had shut down. And I think sometimes God uses, if we don't shut the door, I should say, he may shut the door for us. So I look at that story and as I, as I hear what you've shared, but that's not what you were meant to do. But at that time that's not what you were seeing healing. No, at the time. I mean, I could not make the bows because I was so bitter and resentful. I'm like, it just triggered. Yeah, those emotions over and over and over again. And so there does come a point where, you know, if we can't get ahold of our bitterness or resentment, it's going to get ahold of us.

(09:27): And so sometimes we do have to make drastic changes like cutting relationships off unfollowing people on social media if they make you feel unhealthy and if that bitterness, like there's nothing wrong with like, you don't have to explain yourself to anybody. And I think that's in our culture today, like especially with social media, there's this whole like, well if I follow you, you got to phone me back and you got to be an all my life. No you, no you don't like who told you that you got to guard your heart because that's where your peace is. And if something's making your soul unwell, you gotta you've got to get rid of it. Right? So I mean, what did you do? I mean you stopped making the bows, but I'm going to assume, correct me if I'm wrong, that it didn't just end by, you stop by stopping the bowl making no, you know you've stopped the boat now.

(10:18): That just adds more fuel to the fire that now I stopped the [inaudible] my business. That was just one more thing to be better about. Yeah. I don't think I was so much better about having to stop it. I was bitter, I felt like it was ridiculous that I couldn't not get over it. Like I'm just going to be totally transparent here. Sometimes we go through like it's kind of like with losing weight it's kinda like why can't I just get over this? Like why can't I just do what I know I'm supposed to do and follow through the plan and not give in bitterness can do the same thing to us. Like there's just some times when we've been wrong by somebody, we just cannot get over it. And I do think that it comes that the grace in that situation for yourself comes with time.

(11:00): The reality was I was hurt as a friend. I mean my, my soul was crushed from what happened [inaudible] honestly, it took me finding kind of the next thing in my life, which actually ended up being writing with what you're talking about because shortly after that I started writing for a Proverbs 31 ministries and then develop that passion and saw that as you know, my gifting where I needed to focus my energy and effort on, but until I found a new place to shift my focus, it was really hard to, to kind of move past it. But one of my favorite Bible verses when it comes to this idea about bitterness is actually in Ephesians six and it's about the armor of God and it says that I'm fine. It says, finally be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power, put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes for our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against rulers and against authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

(12:03): My friend was not who was attacking me. It was the enemy who was using that to destroy a beautiful friendship and it, and I like to tell stories about victory, like this is a time I defeated Satan, right? This is a time that I did not defeat and the more I came to understand that win, my husband and I get into an argument or when I get into an argument with a friend, especially a friend that loves the Lord most of the time it's not God doing something like that. It's the enemy trying to wedge in and cause division and cause hate and cause bitterness and cause people to step away from their assignments because they've been hurt or wounded. But if we can shift to a place of remembering that we have to put on this armor, this invisible armor, because we're fighting in an invisible world that we can't even see, we don't even know it's happening.

(12:54): That was a huge game changer for me when I stopped seeing people as my enemy and people as my discouragement and understanding that it was coming straight from the pit of hell, not from God. Right. Just so happens they use people to work through to drive that one wearable to it. Right? I mean I'm sure I've caused bitterness since and I, I'm sure you have to. I mean that's the reality is we all fall short and so we're all under this place where we can be. I mean that's why we have to guard our hearts so much. We gotta be careful that we're not being that person. No, I can guarantee you that somebody has thought that way about me before and I hate it. Nobody wants to admit stuff like this. I know. Takes a lot of maturity to be able to take against, take a step back and to realize as the enemy, not an individual person because our human nature, we just want to go back and attack the person, which is exactly what the enemy wants us to do is to continue to drive that wedge.

(13:57): So how did you, I mean, so how did you, you put your armor on and I mean, well I mean, were you good at that point? I mean, we have to put it on every day, every day, right? Because if you're going to be faced, but triggers constantly. Yeah. Well and I think also looking back on that season, you know, that was 15 years ago at this point, not even 15 years ago. Maybe it was, I can't remember, cause Kennedy was just little at that point. I think also it's helped me in moving forward in conflict today. Like whenever I feel like somebody has done something that is wrong or unfair. I know and I mean obviously like, okay, I'll give you an example with my book. Find habits of a woman who doesn't quit. I had somebody who took my title, somebody that was very good friends with and used it in a way that was not a good way to use it when I had this book coming out.

(14:51): Okay. So thinking back to the Bose situation of who I was, then at that point I could've just went, Oh my gosh, it's over. Like she stole my title and she didn't even do it on purpose. Like she, she didn't even do it. Like it was nothing intentional but just I could have gone in this spiral place or I could've said, this is the enemy trying to slip into this assignment, this book coming out and being released and I need a step back right now and remember who I'm fighting against. I'm not fighting against her. I'm not finding, it's the book title, I'm finding it's the enemy who's trying to steal this assignment. So that was an example of how I knew, like in my heart, I didn't want to go back to that place of bitterness and resentment and I was able to move forward very quickly.

(15:32): Yeah. That situation, having to work it out. I'm writing notes on this. I really am this, this is good. And then armor. Yeah, I've got it. So, so far. One, we need to be honest and, and, and look at the truth. Two I put, I acknowledge that is the enemy. Yes. Not the individual. And three we need to put our armor on to shut that door to live with. I think the last thing that I would hit on goes back to the last truth and why her success does not Britain, yours. That you should let you know the success of others encourage not discourage you. And I think that that's really important to remember as business owners, as leaders, as women who are trying new things, owl is that if somebody else does what you're doing, it doesn't mean that they're suddenly a threat to you because that's a poverty mindset.

(16:24): And that's a mindset that's, that thinks small, you know, five habits that the article that that woman wrote went to a very small percentage. And then I look at what five habits has done and I really believe God blessed that book because I was willing to step into humility in that situation and not go back to the Haribo thing and have that been her heart. And so God, the, in Psalm it says that God is always looking at the heart, not the outward appearance. And so to our friends, you know, we can put our makeup on and look pretty and happy. Everything's fine, but God knows what's happening in our hearts and God knows if we're feeling threatened by them and if we're feeling insecure and bitter and resentful and all the things. And so we have to remember that he's always listening and looking for hearts that will honor him.

(17:10): So doesn't mean that, you know, we don't ever struggle with like, gosh, it really seems like she's getting [inaudible] and ahead right now. Or it seems like you know, this is just wrong, or it's unfair. It doesn't mean that. But being a woman who lives by Ephesians six it means we see the enemy as it is, but then we don't let it threaten us and we just, we continue to move on. We let them be them and we let us be us and trust that God has enough to go around, that there's enough people to help and serve and bless that it's not just this little slice in the pie, that he's akin and I think too [inaudible] for us to be able to get to that spot is to surround yourself. I mean, that's where the connection comes from and surround yourself with people that can help us get through that.

(17:55): Yes. Because if we're trying to do it on our own, naturally, we're going to go back to bitterness and resentment and fall into that trap of lie. So we have to get to a point to where we commit to working on ourselves by leaning in to the word and to the truth and surround yourself with people who we'll speak that. Yeah. So in that season of the hair by business, obviously other friends caught onto what was happening. Okay. [inaudible] I had to be really careful because I did for a while. I allowed them to be like, this is so wrong. This is not right. She shouldn't be doing this. Blah, blah blah. Yeah. Like throw all the oil on the fire and I'm sorry for the gas, not the oil. I knew what you meant though. Yeah. Yeah. Cause I could just, I could see the fire.

(18:44): I can see the fire because we're just loading that up and find it. That would buy into that. We need people like what we're doing right now that can sit down and say, this stinks. This is not fair. It's not right. You're hurt. But it's going to be your choice of how you choose to let your heart w where it's going to land. And ultimately it's going to be God's decision. How he's going to bless your obedience through this. And so at this point, like I'm more concerned about what God thinks about me than I am about anybody else thinks about me. So my heart is to please him and the things that I do and say, not in the world. When you asked last week of how, who is it that you want to become through all of this? Yeah. And I have said multiple times when I get triggered or how I could feel that bitterness take root, I go back to that who is it that I want to become and that's not who it is.

(19:36): And so that helps me with my response and what truth I'm aligning myself with. You got to go higher. Yep. Absolutely. So the truth, acknowledge the enemy, put our armor on and I do. I find that connection, find that community for us to be able to, to speak [inaudible] and shine that light. I think with all of us. So I'm so happy that you are able to share that story, be transparent and be vulnerable by opening that up. I think so many of us can relate to that and for us to be able to let go so we can thrive. So I cannot thank you enough for joining us on this series. I'm so blessed for you to have that. Remember to go to Nikki, cozy ours, follow her Instagram, Facebook and check out her books. I am a top fan when it comes to especially why her, you said your new one is dude, what?

(20:29): June 1st it's titled flooded. Okay. I knew you had posted the vote and the poll and I wasn't sure what you had chosen. Flooded but I don't have to subtitle, right. It's like it's like fine decisions to make when life feels hard and doubt is rising. I think that's where we landed my brush. Oh, that's going to be good. I love it. I love it. Ladies, I want to invite you in. If you have zero energy to focus on yourself and need extra support and accountability from women who know what it's like to juggle a crazy busy life and go on over to befitandfierce.com and become unstoppable with us or if you want to join a sisterhood dedicated to growing your faith, join our just breathe Facebook group heads up. On the next episode we are diving in to marriage kids and all the family fun stuff, how to build a strong relationship and thanks so much for joining us today. Please subscribe. Share this episode link on your social media as we all know, someone that can

(21:25): Benefit and I would love it if you would give some feedback and a review as well. Talk with you next time. Be fit, be fierce, be unstoppable. See ya.

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