Have a podcast in 30 days

Without headaches or hassles

Working well with your spouse can often be enough of a challenge, but what happens when you try to offer them advice as well? Have you ever been in a situation where your partner resented the coaching that you tried to give them? There’s a good chance that it’s because you made some small but significant mistakes in your approach.

In this episode, Ray and Christy go over the tactics and techniques that will help you be more effective when trying to coach your spouse or significant other, while still maintaining your relationship.

Show Highlights Include:

  • Why the small difference between being a good coach and a great coach can save your marriage from disaster (8:55)
  • Avoid marital catastrophe by not attempting to coach your spouse in these specific areas (10:14)
  • Before you lash out, ask yourself this question when you begin to get frustrated at your partner’s decisions (15:40)
  • The subtle way you strangle your spouse’s potential even though you think you’re helping (17:58)
  • This simple question will help you reveal the right time to take that next step you’ve been considering (19:37)
  • To be a good coach to your partner, avoiding this one relationship-killing mistake is crucial (29:21)

Ready to co-create the perfect life with your partner? Head over to http://bothonboard.com/ to get your free special report on “7 Game-changers for Highly Effective Entrepreneurial Couples” and level up your life, business, and relationship.

Read Full Transcript

Being open and vulnerable to what you're committing to. And even if it's scary, even if it's maybe painful, even if it's something that you don't really want to deal with, but you know that it's for the best of the relationship, go there. You know? And sometimes that's scary.

Hey, I'm Christy and I'm Ray. And our passion is to inspire entrepreneurial couples to cocreate the life and business of their dreams and enjoy the ride. Together, we built three successful businesses. We have a beautiful three year old daughter and we pride ourselves on living a life by design. And our goal is to help you do the same. Are you ready to take your relationship, your health, and your wealth to the next level? If so, let’s do this.

(00:46): All right, so a couple of episodes ago we went over what both onboards means To us and a lot of the feedback we got from thinking about it and everything else has been all right, well then how do you guys get there? Cause if, if your partner is the ultimate personal development tool and you guys and, and for you guys what it means to be both on board, the Epic gift of a relationship is really being able to pitch and catch with each other and see different perspectives and code each other and iron sharpening iron and that what it means to us like playing this game of life and love and full vulnerability. All right, well then how do you get there? And guys and ladies, it is a process. We didn't start here, we didn't start anywhere near here. So what you're looking at as a level eight or nine or 10, now please don't compare yourself. The goal is to eventually decide what being on board means to you guys as a couple, as a relationship. And then once that gets there, then here are some do's and don'ts we're going to share with you about coaching each other so you can go from a good relationship to a great relationship.

(01:46): So I think a little background just on recapping what our story has been re is actually the one that introduced me to all things personal development. Oh, I think within what, two months of us dating, he handed me a Tony Robbins 30 day, what was it called? 30.

(02:09): What was a 30 day? No, yeah, ultimate power to what was a great course,

(02:13): 30 day course and CDs back then. Back then there was CDs and CDROMs and I would come home from school, from teaching and I would do, I would do the assignments and I was,

(02:28): And hashtag guys I may or may not have bribed there with hashtag number 24 Colby, Bryan lifetime Lakers tickets. I don't remember that. But whatever you remember going.

(02:42): So I was actually a psychology major before I decided to, to, to go into education. So I was already kind of interested in this stuff, but I really didn't even know that this field of study existed. So I immediately loved it. And the rest, as they say is history when, so a Tony Robbins event, I decided to quit teaching. But I think the reason why I'm bringing this up is because early on in our relationship, we already started what we like to call speaking the same language. And I think that is one of the, you know, blessings that we've had since the beginning was that we were both onboard with growing and learning and healing, right. Going back into our childhood and, and doing all this stuff. And one of the things that I love personally about relationships is how you really, if it's a good one, right?

(03:41): It how you can mesh two very different lives, very different upbringings, very different life experiences and create something beautiful and then from there then create something beautiful for your children or for your business or for your, you know, just life in general. And one of the things for me that was huge was actually being able to have such a strong foundation with, with our, our just our growth and our self mastery and our, and then within the relationship as well. So it's, it's definitely an ongoing, like race that is an ongoing process and it continues to evolve. Right? And you know, once we started the business, things changed. And once we close the business, things change. And once we had a baby, things changed. And, and it's constantly growing and evolving. And I think that's a whole nother topic is being okay with change. Like knowing that change is always going to come and we're always going to grow and we're going to learn new things.

(04:36): So long story long, that for me is probably the foundation for why we are in such a great place in our relationship and in our business and in our lives in general is because we had that foundation that, that really strong foundation from the pretty much the very beginning on personal development and learning and you know, being real and raw and vulnerable. And so yeah. So what comes up for me when you talk about coaching is like, you want to be that person's biggest cheerleader and number one fan supporter and all this stuff. And you also want to let them run their own race. And I think for us, for a while things got blurred because the business consumed us to a point where we didn't know anything else. Like we didn't even know where the relationship started and where the business ended. And, and, and we just got really, really consumed running her race.

(05:31): She was running my race. We were like, we were just, we were just we definitely need a smell for sure. Yeah. And I think that that, I mean, we can go down that rabbit hole, but let's, not for lack for sake of time. But we started, we had we had that, that great foundation. And then we also had that not so great foundation in that business was running our life and what both on board has become now is being able to be amazing. Me by myself, him by himself. And then when we come together we are even more awesome. So it's, it's been a transition and it's been a learning process and, and it continues to be, right? Because we still continue to evolve and grow and learn and, and figure things out and, and change, right? We, we, we want different things at different times.

(06:17): Sometimes we want the same thing. Sometimes we want very different things and we have to, we get to figure out a way to compromise and figure it out together. So for us, that's just been, I guess the premise of, of what we've decided to create with this whole both on board thing, especially in the last two years. I'd say we've kind of just cleaned things up and really gotten clear and gotten onboard with each other and saying, look, this is what I want. He says, this is what I want. And then how do we do that together? How do we, how do we make that happen together no matter what? And so that's where this, this topic has come about because a lot of people that we, you know, people that we speak to on this is, is just that. It's like, and it's, it's sort of communication, but it's also, you know, just how you, how you show up for each other, how you treat each other, how you work together, how you spend your time apart. Like it's, it's such a synergistic thing.

(07:07): Well, I mean, I think as I'm listening to you, what you're saying is like really everything affects everything.

(07:11): Yeah, exactly. And when we stopped being consumed by business, then it, it, you know, the, the, the light was shined on all the other aspects that were missing. So that's what our goal has been the last few years, has been getting all of it back on track at the level that we wanted. And everybody, again, we always talk about it. Everybody wants different things at different times and a different, you know, we come across the people that say, I can never work with my spouse. I personally don't understand that because it's like you're running a household, so you are always working with your spouse. And if you're not able to work with your spouse in your household, then what's the point of being together? But that's another subject. But I think it's just really the most amazing and interesting dynamic. And the better you get at it, the easier things become and the more things fall into place. And also it's constantly evolving. So those are my 2 cents on it.

(08:09): All right. So we're going to go over a little checklist of the do's and don'ts of coaching each other. And again, the goal is iron sharpen iron. How do you, how do we get better together? So we put a little list of things. I'm going to just go over the list and that way you can have some tips and then we'll, we'll, we'll talk about these and maybe if one really resonates with you, let's talk about that before I proceed. So I'll go over the list clearly. Let's start with the don'ts. Okay. Don't give advice. So actually, let's first define what a good coach is. Excuse me. A great coach, a good coach tells you what to do and gives you his feedback on it. And very looking at one side, a great coach asks amazing questions and gets you to answer your own questions by listening to you talking it out.

(08:51): And then if he's got the capacity and the wisdom that give you some of his own personal advice of what he's seen from other students and everything else. So they develop an a, an a, an a and a great coach has tools, right? They've developed these tools over time. So, and then again, one of the things that you want in your relationship is we both have outside coaches. We've always had outside coaches right since the beginning. So again, how do you coach someone if you don't know how to be coached, you're not able to, right? So one of the don'ts, no, give advice if, if it's not in their strengths. So not give advice if not in their strength. Right? So if I don't have a core capacity and that strength, so if example, Christy's not coming to me for parenting advice, I, I have no competency.

(09:32): I can listen to her. Oh, well I'm a dad, but I haven't read any books. I haven't studied it. So she's going to read it, she's better at it. And then I'll stop her. I have, I have no, you don't know real X's and O's. No real strategy. Now here's what I always can do for her. I can always listen to her. I can always see how she's feeling and I can always tell her I love her. I can always emotionally support her, but sometimes I don't have the tools because I'm still figuring something out. Like this is like the blind leading the blind. Don't, don't do that.

(09:57): Right. I think that it comes to like competence, right? Like how competent are you in that field? Like when I was looking to get my health back on track, I came to Ray because he clearly knows what he's doing when it comes to health and nutrition and fitness and that kind of thing. So I knew that this was one of his strengths. So I was able to really approach him and say, look, I need your advice. I need your feedback. I need your, you know, your, your, your guidance in this. In other areas. I kind of know that, you know, like if I want to learn more about social media or branding or running a retreat, I may or may not want to come to him and ask him for advice on that because he, it's not his strength. So I think that there is a level and vice versa, a level of awareness. Like he comes to me sometimes and I'm like, I have no idea what you're talking about. Like one time he came to me with life insurance stuff and he wanted to talk about it and I immediately glazed over and I said, I don't know, figure it out with someone else because I don't know what you're talking about. I don't even understand.

(10:58): Because then it was created. So that was a great insight because then it created a space for me to hire a consultant. So guys, if she doesn't have the competency in your relationship, go get the help. Does it mean figure it out yourself? Please go get the help.

(11:10): And then there were some times where he would just say, look, I want to talk this out and I want to practice like T to like when you, you know, when you explain something to someone, you get it better. You teach her, you get better at it. So sometimes I would just sit there and he would, you know, paint diagrams on the, on the

(11:26): Let's talk about a, do their do their, you know, do their, do you want to do is, Hey babe here, I just need your, I just want to talk this out with you so you can kind of see what I'm an emotional about and like read my body language and I wanna I want to explain this to you so that I get at a deep love. And also I want your advice. I want you, I want you to, you know, poke some holes in it and ask some questions so that I really get it. And then, you know, give me your thoughts. But she's not there to give you advice. He's there to listen and more really there for a year as a sounding board. So you can own it at a deeper level

(11:56): And finding that balance too when you come. Right. So we're looking at both, right? We're, we're, we're wearing both hats on both sides. Also, when you come to them, it's, you're not there for like an answer or for, for, for them to tell you what to do. It's just you can figure out how to maybe explain it better or understand it at a deeper level versus I don't know what to do. Give me your answer. And that's a very different energy. It's more for you than it is for them and becoming good at can we be a good listener, I think is the other part, right? Being just being able to listen and I think that that's

Well and not just listen, but also feel what they're feeling. Cause sometimes the answers and what they're feeling and how they're communicating it. If I'm, if I'm, let's say I'm pitching her for a deal, babe, this deal, yada, and she's looking at my energy and she's seeing my concerns, she goes, why are you doing that? And then like, so she might ask me like a big question I got and she has, why are we doing that? I'm going to have, you know, like eh, and then done it dies. Right. So she's a great coach because she can ask great guys, great coaches, don't know everything and they're great at asking great questions.

(13:00): And I think when you talk about the energy too, I think that that's a, that's a a big thing, especially within just in your home, right? If, if, if one person is feeling off and then the other person comes to kind of either save them or, or Hey, but I have all this ideas and all these things like, like make sure that you're getting good at gauging where that person is. Like where your spouses are. Like I know recently we had a, a pretty big deal happen and I remember coming, I walked into the room and I saw him, Ray was like on fire and sending out emails and you know, dotting his I's and crossing the season doing and stuff. And I was petrified and I turn right back around and I went into my room and I was like, I'm going to leave him alone because my energy right now is gonna just probably, you know, shoot down his energy. And so having that awareness of yourself and of the other person to where they're at and what they're doing and get and being honest with like we have bad days and we have bad moments and we have bad weeks even. And being able to, to, to have that awareness of saying, look right now I'm not in a good place. I don't really want to hear about

(14:03): The baby took time for you to get there. I mean, I mean she's been working on herself like, like guys. That to me was a game changer because I had done all the work. I already had everything written out, everything was organized, but more importantly she saw that I was acting from a place of faith and not fear. Has she seen fear and me stressed about it? She would've said something, but she saw that wasn't the case. Like, look, you've done your homework. You've asked all the questions that you've journaled this out, you're in a good place emotionally leave you alone. Like the heat, you know, the best thing she could've done is either leave me alone and say, Hey baby, I'm here for you. I love you. You're doing the right thing. Keep, keep going. You got this spade. And that's all I needed to hear.

(14:39): And I think another, another big one for everybody. I think either giving or receiving coaching is, is that whole like having expectations or judgments or feeling you need to control the other person or save the other person or having attachment to what, to what the, you know, what's, what's going on, right? Like being as objective as possible in and still, you know, thriving off the fact that you guys are in this together. That this is something that is, is something that you're doing together and you're, you're creating this life together and also being as objective as possible so that it's what's best for everyone, not just what's best for me. And I think that for both of us, we've, I'm sure we can think of examples, but like when I thought, no, I don't want you doing that, like that's silly, like that's a waste of time. But it might've been what's best for him. And vice versa, like being giving, saying he's, he's planning on, you know, going on a trip or something and I'm just like another trip. Like really? So gauging that energy

(15:37): And then the or partner whenever you'd like to judge it, like whenever you like, Oh, you're doing that like now. Now that being said, I've done that. I'm up to the bad side and sometimes I've done under the good side. Meaning if she says, Oh, I'm going to go to this, this event, I'm going to support her 100% and sometimes I'm reading her energy, Oh, I'm going to do this. And if I have a couple of tests and go, Hey, do you really want to do that? Like, like when she said something else, I'm like, babe, do you really want to do that? Or you're just doing it because you think you should be doing that. So again, it's a delicate subject, but I can also look at her and like look at the smile and how she's telling it to me. I gotta get better at that too. So really like not instilling doubt, but really like, Hey baby, are you sure you want to commit to this? Like just, just knowing her and is the commitment and alignment with what she wants. While this last commercial made about going to a seminar for writing a book, total alignment, some other ones, they had been thinking about going to this event, it's about this and that and, and here are the people running it. And I, and I hear like, eh. Then I'm questioning, Hey babe, do you really want to go to this?

(16:36): Yeah. And I think that that's where that whole energy comes from and getting really, really good at that, within yourself and within your, within your partner. Because that's where we talk about every outcome is created by the energy is created from, is determined by the energy is created from, and that is huge when you're having, especially these big conversations, right? These fully-loaded conversations of commitments and where we're going next and how we're going to do it and who we're going to do it with and all that. You know, stuff that comes up and making sure that one, you're checking your energy and then to you that you're, that you're as detached from it as possible in what's a win, win, win for everyone, not just a selfish,

(17:13): Can I just switch to the meeting? What's convenient for Ray and Ray's ag times guilty of like what's convenient for Ray. And then I think one of the things that also to do is don't make their path, your path. They have their own path. As long as it's a path towards personal growth. Within that they can have their own path, they can have their own business, they can have their own thing. So again, it really goes back to letting go of attachment and control to have an Epic relationship, right? You want to be in love, you don't want to be in control, right. Love and control are two different energies.

(17:40): And I think one of the things that was big for us, which we just want to mention too, and I think that this happens a lot, is like putting, putting your partner in a box, right? And, and, and I of creating these, these boundaries that you set because you, what you think are their limitations or what you think are their quote unquote strengths and weaknesses or what you think they're good at and not good at. Like we talk about that a lot, getting, getting really clear and getting good at what each other's strengths and weaknesses are. And at the same time, like we are constantly growing and evolving and changing. So

(18:11): My old perception of her isn't, may not be their reality right now. So at times I have to even tell her, Hey baby, don't look at me the way I used to look to me cause I'm different. But sometimes they're so used to like, we as humans do this baby. It's just easy. Like we could we say, Hey, it's easy to meet, Hey, I know who this person is and I put her in a box. But then there's your limiting and there's no room for growth and then you're always seeing her or that or him from that same perspective. And that's not right to your partner because they're always growing and evolving too.

(18:36): And that's what for us is like the past does not equal the future. Like that's the key to having these conversations too is knowing that if you're both on board, you're on this path of growth and of evolution and of change, right? That's just coming. It comes, right? It's part of the, of the field of saying, you know what, this is, this is next level, this is the next thing we're doing. This is what, what comes next? And being open and aware that we have all the potential that we need inside of us. So if I come to him and say something like, I'm going to write a book or he comes to me and says like, I'm going to become a passive investor or anything in between, it's like, okay, so how are we going to get there and still bring your inquisitive nature and still question it and still poke holes in it and do it, you know, what would you do as a, as a, as a partner?

(19:24): Well, hold on, a great question just came to me as you were talking about that. And one of the things that we both are asking each other lately, maybe do you want that and do you want that right now? This idea of timing is a great question. So like, like it's just, you know, when you said that, that, that came, that came through me, I don't know why, who might be listening to it, but that's a great question. That's one that we're asking each other. It's not, no, it's not a yes, and maybe the timing's off. Right. So one of the things, expectations, I learned a recent video from Cal seas. He goes, no one ever broke your heart. They broke your expectations. And it was so true, babe. They broke the, you were attached to an expectation that you had. And then you, and then the weird thing, at least for us sometimes I know me in the idea of control and love, I will attach my love to my control. Like it, it just became twisted like that. Like I was loving her if she did X, Y, and Z, that's not love guys. That's, that's fear guys, that's not love. Love doesn't have any strings. Love doesn't love, doesn't care. Love just cares.

(20:27): Right? So and that's a big Matt con thing too. It's, it's like it's not unconditional love. It's just love. Because if it's conditional, then it's not love. It's something else. And that that is

(20:37): Love just is like, like for example, like one of the things that we want you guys to and ladies to listen to is your kids. Do you have to have a reason to love them? Like I look at my daughter, like it's just, there's no, there's no restrictions there. She could do or be whatever she wants and I'm going to love her no matter what. That's the kind of love we're talking about.

(20:56): Think. You know, saving them. Initially when I first met Kristi, like I was really attached to her being in personal development. People like, Oh, one of my friends yesterday or a couple of days on Tuesday asked me, you know, how do you find, you know, great women then into their personal growth. How do you make them, how do you and uncle you don't make them. You just see if they're open to growing and that's the commitment they want to make for the rest of their life. Where do they hang around? I dunno, Tony Robbins seminars. They're already on the path, right? They're already doing that work. So you just want to see if they're going to be open to it. You can't make anybody do anything. So going back to this thing is, and no one's here to say you're not here to save anybody. And ladies, a lot of ladies like to change in there, man, you're, you're here to change anybody you heard to accept them for who they are. And more importantly, not just accept them, love them for who they are. You chose them. You might as well love them. Like she knows certain things. Christie has said, look, I'm not going to change that about them. He's going to go to the gym, he's going to work out and, and he's always going to have some little mic neck injury cause that's, that's who he is. But I think over time she's learned to love that and admire that about me.

(21:59): And that's where the acceptance comes in. And also what you were saying before too is like that that non attachments and things like, like not being attached, right? But it's like what's best for them? Like what's there that you said like their path, what is their way of life? Like what, what is it that they're here to learn and what did they, that they're here to do, right. And, and, and getting better and better at more and more clear on that is what's gonna get you detached from the control on, detach from, Oh, I know what's best for them and wanting to save them or wanting to have the answers I get. Being a good coach to your partner is not about having all the answers. And I think that's a big thing for us as entrepreneurs or as high achievers that it's like we want to know what's the right answer, what's the right. There is no right answer. Like it's just information and you can choose to go to this events, right? It's just information that gets just maybe this was good and if you did that, that might be good too. And having that in that, not just insight, like that energy that, I forgot the word I'm saying, having that buy by. Yes. That vibe to say, you know what? We can figure this out and if this is what you think is best, then let's go with that and let's see what happens.

(23:12): The energy of what I'm listening to is more than you. You'd be like, yo babe, I got you and you got this and we'll figure it out. That's, that's really emotionally bankrolling your partner. That's what it sounded like, what you were saying. Okay. So one of the things, Christie recently had a, a women's event here and I had some mighty millionaire mastermind events in the past and as she would come to me for advice and some of the things that she was, you know, challenged with, I wanted her to give her my answers and it kind of how I went through because you know, for me it was that first of them was really challenging. I had a lot of things come up and come up for me, but then I tried to kind of like teach her all that and make my experience her experience.

(23:46): I'm like, what am I doing? Let her have her experience, let her charge whatever she wants to charge or not charge. And ultimately it freed me up to like, when she called me and it was beautiful, she's like, Hey, I needed you. I knew exactly what she needed. She didn't need me to, she figured it out. I bank on her all day and twice on Sunday she'd do, she had this, what she wanted is to know that I know that she had this, she wanted validation, she wanted support, she wanted more, she wanted a moral support shoe. She wanted an emotional bank role and that's all she wanted and needed a, I didn't have to make her. And then what was great after the event, a lot of she could really feel and understand a lot of things I went through through my event, right?

(24:28): So when I did, you know the event we did here before, I did it on my own and then she did this one on her own and a lot of things that I had went through. She's like, wow, I see what he went through now, but she couldn't do it otherwise until she had gone through. So why would I interfere in her journey enough? I can make some things easier or maybe culture. But the coaching for me was coming more from a place of like, Hey, I don't want to see her get hurt or I don't want her to hurt her to make the same mistakes and really relive my experience. Like let her have her own experiences. Let me completely different. I'll give her some coaching and advice here and then when she needs it and then, and then and then let go.

(25:01): And I think one of the differences too between advice and wisdom, and we can, that's a whole big topic, but really like wisdom, meaning this is what I think is best for, for, for Ray, for example, to hear right now. Like this is what I feel is going to really help him and not advice, like telling them what to do kind of thing. So I think that's a big differentiator in, in how you speak to each other is, is this wisdom, is this something that I've come from and I've learned and I've, and I, and I really have embodied and I understand that I really deep level or is it or am I just going to tell them what to do because I think they want, this is what they want to hear. Or this is the answer that I think they should, you know, this is what I think they should do. Right? So figuring out that, that difference and it's a, it's huge, it's an art, right?

(25:41): Oh huge difference. Yeah. So, so, so one thing on that that have some insight, some insights on wisdom. You know what wisdom is guys? It's your heart's truth. It's true knowledge. Guys. Your soul, your heart already knows the answer. So the best thing I can do as our partner is get, get her back to that place. Get her back to feeling that. Get her back. Because she knows all the answers. I don't have them. So can I ask amazing questions where these answers come up from her heart and let's go that. Or I can give her wisdom. What is wisdom? True knowledge. Like, like when we speak about, Hey, loving yourself and then sharing that love with others. That's true knowledge. That's unit. These are universal universal spiritual principles. They're not going in her. So if I can give her that kind of advice and it's not even advice, it's more true. Knowledge is more of a reminder of what your soul already knows. You just forgot for a moment.

(26:29): I feel like we focused all on the don'ts mostly. But let's get to the dude

(26:33): We wanted the don'ts because, because those are more, if you can avoid those, the rest is a lot easier. Almost like, like when you're doing a deal, if you can mitigate the risks and upside takes care of itself.

(26:44): With that. We talk a lot about accountability, for example, in, in, in supporting each other and really being each other's number one fan and supporter and really feeling like no matter what, that person is always going to be there and that no matter what they got me. And that is like, you know, it's just huge for us. It's fusion in the sense that once you feel that then you can pretty much, you can pretty much take on anything and

(27:14): Well hold and, and, and now as you do that, so emotional bank bankroll, I think a lot of that baby comes from yet like, Hey, I know you got me. And also being through some things together, like, like going through those hard times together and growing through them. So like we've been through so much stuff that, that that grow is strong. So I guess maybe when we say emotionally bank only to each other, what are some deposits that they could begin to kind of grow? Cause I, some of our listeners maybe might not have one, they might not have any bankroll for each other too. They might not know how to make deposits.

(27:46): Well, I think it's, it's having these kind of conversations on an ongoing basis for us just really taking off our mask, taking off the filters, being honest, but not hurtful. I think that that that is, you know, there's a very thin line there and we talk about, you know, communication within, within couples, right? Within relationships. And sometimes you can say something because it's your truth, but it can come off as, you know, not very nice, right. Or, or, or hurtful to the other person. And so really like knowing that boundary, like still being vulnerable, still being truthful still, you know, speaking your truth in a way where it's beneficial to both parties and also, like we were talking about knowing that their path is their path and they're going to do what they're gonna do and you're going to love them anyway and support them no matter what. So there's times where I think, you know what? I don't think this is a good idea. He does it anyway. Once we had the conversation and I say, well, if that's what you want to do, I stand behind you. Then fully following through with that and not throwing in it like that's a big one for us is like throwing things, throwing the past in each other's faces. So saying things like from the past into the present or or, or you're having grudges or doing those things. All that just leads to really crappy communication. Right?

(29:03): I saw that that person, if they made a mistake like that, they're already beating the sums up. They're already being the critic. The last thing you want to do, another don't, is don't criticize your partner when you're coaching. Like it's not love. You want to do all this in a loving place

(29:16): And having, so having that accountability with each other, it just, it can, it can go deep and, and, and seeing, you know, this is what I want this to look like. And then them saying, okay, well this is what I want this to look like. And having those conversations and we talk about this, I mean, we can go for for days on this with, with, with how we create accountability within our relationship, but just really being open and vulnerable to what you're committing to. And if it's scary, even if it's maybe painful, even if it's something that you don't really want to deal with, but you know, that it's for the best of the relationship, go there. You know? And sometimes that's scary, but still, you know, effective and useful if you want to get to that.

(29:57): Yeah. We, we both agreed as we were discussing this podcast is vulnerability is key. All of the dues, you have to be open and vulnerable, otherwise you don't make any real progress, right? You've got to be willing to play his game all in and commit to it. So those are one of the dues. Again, we spoke about no filters, a team player, right. No matter what. I'm Wendy, I may disagree with you, but once you say, Hey, I'm doing this anyway, then I'm all in with you. Like we don't, we don't go fight the old fight. You're still in. Okay. I'm all in with you. Even now, even though I may, I may disagree. I'm still with you. Once someone makes a decision in that lane, then we go in together. Right? That's just, that's how we do things. So number one, cheerleader. Again, non-attachment.

(30:34): Sometimes we'll both ask for permission for feedback. Hey, do you, do you want a dicer? You just want to like to listen to me and Chris, he's much better at it than I am. I'm still improving her. She's a much better listener. But really sometimes they may not want the back. They just want you to listen. Yeah. So that's a great one. I love this question. Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right? I choose happiness and love all time. I'm not here to be right. There is no right and wrong. She's got a perspective. I've got a perspective. Neither one of us is right or wrong. How do we get to love? And whenever we do fall out of love or it feels like we've fallen in love because the truth is we never fall in love. It feels like that.

(31:04): And I go, babe, I just want to get back to love all eyes. All I said, babe, can we get back to love? I'll ask that question. I knew it often. Again, great questions. Get good at asking great questions and again, committed to growing together and speaking the same language. So go to events together, go to coaching events, go to Tony Robbins events together, go to go to grow the events separately so that you guys can have that amazing pitch and catch coach dynamic that, that, that, that it's, I wish it for everyone that I know.

(31:28): I think it's that foundation too, like setting, setting that foundation with time, right? Cause it does take time but really setting that foundation of, you know, speaking the same language of being on the same page of, of going in the same direction of giving and receiving of this is how I want you to show up for me. So this is how I'm going to show up for you. Right? Not tip, protect and not, Oh and when he does this then I'll be happier when he, you know, when she does this then that that's when I'll show her love. Right. And it's that you get to go first, right? Like that being the person that you want to show up as so that that person could show up for you in the same way. And taking that responsibility, which we talk about often taking that responsibility for how you want your relationship to look and feel like.

(32:10): Yeah. I think again, giving them space and respect their journey is their journey. Just love it and respect them and give them the space. Give them the give. You know that accountability with accountability is a sensitive subject. I'll hold her accountable only if she's asking for it. Right? Cause if she says I'm not committed to this and I don't, I don't, well I'll, we'll feel more literally say, babe, I am doing this. I need your help here. Hold me accountable. This doesn't mean beat me up. And then so there is a fine line that's more like I'm an art of like when to push cause it's pretty how much she wants to go to yoga in the morning. But if she's feeling sick and she's hurting the baby, that's let's go. Why know her, like she's more sensitive to sickness. So she's going to get more sick than that.

(32:48): But that's silly. So again, you have to know when to hold her accountable and when not within that being able to see things from their perspective. That's huge. Listen, feel what they're feeling and get into that. And again, one of the things I said earlier is kind of like really questioning, is this what they really want? If you, if you've kind of feel that's a little bit off. So baby, in terms of the do's and don'ts and transitioning from a good relationship to an Epic one, is there anything else you want to leave our amazing listeners with?

(33:12): Well, we just, I mean basically jotted down a bunch of of the do's and don'ts, but I think for me what comes up the most and it's different for everyone is like what feels good? Like what feels good for you to say to them that is going to make them feel good too and not good. Like you know, baby them or come from a place of, of you know, not taking responsibility or, or not. You know what I mean? Like it's not from a place of, of stroking their ego. It's more from a place of like what, what feels good right now to say, you know what? I know that you said you were going to wake up early and I still think that you're amazing and you'll, and you'll figure this out and maybe it's a different way, right? Like still having that, that holding that space for them to become the person that they want to be. Because any other thing, like any, any belittlement, any criticism, any complaining, any, anything that feels negative and the body is going to be taken negatively and it's only going to create more negativity in your relations.

(34:08): And then what'd you put out? You get back and like you love this person, so don't, don't put that out, right? So you're on this Tony Romo side is you're on this ship of relations and you're throwing, you know, you're on the ship, you're on this, you're onboard together. You know, I'm not able to throw a, you know, a dart or something and you know, I'm Pierce, I'll hold onto this bolt that we're both on without it, you know, killing the boat, right? It's going to think both of us. So again, just love, love that person, encourage that person. And sometimes that's where I was going to say one of the spiritual questions. So two things. One of the spiritual questions I'll ask myself is, what does her soul need? I'll ask my heart like, what is her soling to hear? Like what does, what does she need to hear right now with where she's at?

(34:47): Right? And then that's a great question cause then my heart gets to answer that question. The second thing is we weren't on a spiritual growth pasture. We were more on a, on a, on a personal development path, but not so much a spiritual growth, enlightenment path. This is manifested into ours. It has evolved into [inaudible]. She went first and I saw, you know, I had to, I had to find something where I was, it was close for me but not too esoteric, not too way out there right now to weigh the hell out there. Right? So I went into, you know, money in law of attraction and then I went to another spiritual book and another spiritual teacher and I said, you know what, I'm all in with this. Like once I saw the, once I saw what she saw. So I guess what I'm really sharing with you is that as she got to go first down the spiritual path, I went right after and I went all in, I went with coaches and everything else. So again, be the you, you can be

(35:38): Go down your path and, and leave it up to the universe for them to follow or not. But Chad saw, you'll see over time as you become the next best level version of yourself that other person's gonna want to come with you. And that's one of the top, I think five questions that we get pretty often as like, how do I get this person to do this? Or how do I get them to get on board or, or beyond this path or helped me with the business or you know, co-create this lifestyle. Like how do I get them to do it? And I think it was Jack Canfield to these say that like you come back from a, from an event or something that, well Jack says this and Jack says that, and you're making them wrong for how they're being right. You're making your partner wrong.

(36:15): Or you're pointing things out that, because you feel like you see from a different lens now, but really that's just adding more crap to the flame. Right. And you're judging them. Sorry, the you were talking, I'm going to lose my train of thought, but, and then that's where it comes in to say, I am choosing to live in peace. I am choosing to live in love. You can do whatever you want and this is how I'm choosing to live my life and being the example and leading by example and not from a, again, not from an egoic a whole way, but from a loving, compassionate, no matter what this, you know, no matter what I'm here for you. Whether you choose to have a tantrum or not, whether you choose to, to, to take this whatever way you want to take it, right? Taking the responsibility for the action, for the energy that you show up to and your relationship. It's what's going to make all the difference. So we can have long to do lists to do's and don't list, but at the end of the day, it's the energy that you show up to the relationship with and taking accountability and responsibility for that is just going to make the change. Amen. I love it. Let's leave it there. We love you. We appreciate you.

(37:19): Thank you. Anything else you want to say, angel? That's it. Thank you. Thanks for hanging out with us and listening to the both onboard podcasts. Go to our website@bothonboard.com to receive your free special report on seven game changers for highly effective entrepreneurial couples. You can also connect to this on Facebook and Instagram at both onboard. If you got value from us, please subscribe to our channel and leave an amazing five star reviews so we can help others get on board to co create the life and business of the dreams and enjoy the rug. We hope to connect with you soon.

Have a podcast in 30 days

Without headaches or hassles


Copyright Marketing 2.0 16877 E.Colonial Dr #203 Orlando, FL 32820